Understanding The Roots of People Pleasing

Today , abby and I are going to be talking about people pleasing and everything the people pleasing tentacles touches . Maybe not everything , but lots of things that the tentacles of people pleasing touches .

It's something I've actually been working on a lot more in my own therapy lately , so it's just very on my mind and often in the work that I do with clients too , we may notice the people pleasing part really prominent .

So I've always been a self-identified people pleaser and I'm really really curious about it , how it shows up for me , how it shows up for others , why we seek to make everyone else around us feel good . Yeah , I'm very much in the people pleasing camp , so I'm excited to talk a little bit more about this today .

It just feels really messy and difficult and I , too , identify as a recovering people pleaser , probably still very much so a people pleaser . So I'm with you .

It just feels like we all and to some extent we all do strive to make others feel good and happy and I guess maybe there's a difference between doing that . Occasionally , if you're presenting something at work and you need to do a really good job , you're going to be worried about how are other people thinking of me in this moment compared to the chronic ?

What are people thinking of me ? Are they judging me Like sort of that voice on loop pretty often , if not all the time . So I just had this thought , and probably it's because of my own people pleasing of like aren't ?

Then it maybe feels like , yeah , well , isn't this just normal ? Isn't this what everyone has to do , or isn't this what everyone is drawn to do ? So I get that .

Oh , but this is the thing that , like keeps my loved ones around and it's the thing that allows me to do the best job that I could possibly do . So kind of I don't know . I often explore for myself and also with clients . Okay , there are helpful parts of this part of you . It's trying to do something for you .

And also , when does it become sort of all consuming , where it's really hard to just be present and to engage in an authentic way with others , with yourself ? When does it get to a point where you are no longer taking care of your own needs in complete service of everyone else ? That's where it gets a little bit tricky and complicated .

It's a little bit more tangible and concrete , but very simply , when I'm denying my own needs for other people's needs , so that could look like being in conversation with someone , you leave and you're like I barely spoke at all . I didn't get to talk about how I'm doing , like the conversation completely centered on them or even very tangible needs .

When you were saying that , I was thinking about a conversation we were having before we started recording about my haircut that I just got and how I think that the person who cut it forgot to cut the front of it because it's significantly longer , and I actually said I think I have to find someone new to go fix this , because I can't possibly go back and tell

her . So , like there I am , I'm falling into that of . I'm really worried about hurting her feelings . So anyway .

And he said to me he's like well , usually I really appreciate when people like talk the whole time about what's going on for them , because it takes all the attention and focus on the thing . And when he said that I was like me too . What are we going to do ?

Finally we came to like talking about lots of fun stuff , like you know , 90s TV and stuff like that . But it was just . It dawned on me and it's funny that you had a you're both people pleasing sort of tendencies came out in the hair salon for us recently .

It's like what a perfect example of preserving someone else's feelings . And like , yes , that feels kind of important in some ways , but also like you're paying all this money , like it's expensive to get your hair cut , and you have to wear it on your head .

So much comes up there the fear of making them uncomfortable , the anxiety of making them feel sad , or even like owning your own discomfort .

It can be a strategy that we use , not super intentionally or consciously , but a way to just all is good , we're feeling okay , we don't have to feel that anxiety or shame or being too much , whatever . Yeah , and it's likely a strategy for a lot of people pleasers maybe not all , but some that has been really effective throughout our lives .

So for some people pleasers you know , with folks that I talk to , it's like you know we may have grown up in situations where to kind of keep the peace or to , you know , to make sure we feel safe , we may just sort of people pleasing more overt ways , so like how can I help you ?

Literally like helping the person who is feeling really intense emotions , so like helping them to ground and feel okay , so then that we feel regulated and okay .

And then also in some like sort of more subtle ways , I think people pleasing can also happen in subtle ways of like all right , in order to keep the peace in my family , or in order to keep the peace in this situation that I'm in , I need to just be really good and stay quiet and stay small and not ruffle any feathers or rock the boat , and then from

that sometimes we're praised , explicitly or implicitly , for that behavior . You're such a well-behaved good girl , you know you . Thank you so much for just being so easy for me .

It's reinforced in both ways , like , oh , when I do these things , things feel a lot more safe , there's a lot more peace and ease , everyone's like a little bit happier , maybe like there's not these all these uncomfortable emotions flying around , and maybe even like physical safety is maintained for some so not emotional , but physical safety is maintained by the use

of that strategy . And then and then also , yeah , the praise that we get it's further reinforced .

I mean , I even think of like a words that some kids get in school yes , people pleasing tendency , which makes it just very sort of like a really Strong , helpful pattern to fall back on in many parts of our lives throughout our days , because it feels really safe , it feels like this is the thing that's gonna keep me and everyone else around me , okay ,

absolutely Absolutely .

them or doing whatever it is that they need because you've been told you're too much , or something like that . People pleasing just comes from so many different places , so many different places , and I came then shift and shape , shift into Other strategies .

Right , the strategy of people pleasing like it makes sense If we think about it and we track it back , and then it can , you know , shift into like body image stuff or perfectionism or disordered eating . We could go on and on , but those , yeah , those are some heavy hitters .

So like we may individually feel Like our emotions are too much or whatever , and our family is sort of reiterating that , and then our family is praising us for being Good and keeping things easy and all that good stuff and perhaps there's trauma , and so then we people please , as a trauma response , yeah , and sort of in our community , in school , that gets

played out . So maybe we're also then getting praised and rewarded for being really like , having really good behavior , being a good listener , being a good sharer , whatever the thing is .

And then culturally , like on the way outside of the circle , I think people pleasing is also Reinforced in some ways and maybe reinforced isn't the word , but even just when you talked about body image , we're sort of taught , the message is sent to us that to gain Approval and not just approval but like to be worthy and lovable you need to be pleasing to other

people and Culturally so not just interpersonally but culturally , because we live in the society we live in and it's also a very like visual Society with social media . Now , yeah , it kind of boils down to like , yeah , to be worthy , to be lovable , you need to be pleasing to the eye of whoever , you need to look a certain way .

So it kind of , yeah , I can't think it just builds and grows outward and the people pleasing is Reinforced , sort of every which way we look , if that's already a tendency that you have inside .

We go , those ripples like you , just , you're just like keep going . So it feels like a the perfect storm in some ways when someone has those tendencies to want to numb even more , want to shift For its other people's needs and away from there .

The message has been sent to me in many , many ways , culturally , maybe in my family , maybe in my school , you know , in my community , and then so I engage in behaviors to intentionally change , shrink my body To fit that .

So again , it's like denial of needs , yeah , further separation from being in tune with our needs in order to take care of Other people , even if taking care of other people it's just much bigger .

It's just it's much bigger than like taking care of someone's emotions by like patting them on the back and saying it's gonna be All right , at the expense of our own needs . Taking care of other people through intentionally trying to change our bodies in harmful ways , I don't know , it's just , it's so much bigger .

I was thinking of this earlier too , like what is the connection between people pleasing and perfectionism ? Because they feel so similar , but there is sort of a different energy to the two of them and I guess what I came to was that perfectionism is sort of a part of people pleasing .

So if people pleasing is the root of the plant , perfectionism is like a petal or like one of the flowers I'm getting into gardening , so I don't know all the Love it I love it .

And so something that I read also just before we spoke , because I have Brené Brown's Atlas of the Heart book and I love Brené Brown and I know she just like does such a good job of talking about perfectionism because she studies shame , which is sort of the other side of the perfectionism coin , and I like bookmarked this page because I thought it was just such

a great way of talking about it Healthy striving is self-focused . So how can I improve ? Perfectionism is other focused . What will they think ? And that stood out to me because I talk to a lot of people about perfectionism and often what comes up not only for them , but it's also come up for me a lot around .

Well , well , if I get rid of my perfectionism in any way , or if I like set it off to the side , I'm not going to like try very hard , I'm not going to make any moves in my life , I'm not going to work towards my goals , I'll literally just , you know , with her away , right . And so that to me felt so important to read .

You know , if healthy striving is self-focused , how can I improve so that I'm living in alignment with my values , so that I'm living in alignment with my soul's purpose , whatever that might mean .

It just feels very different from perfectionism , which is I'm doing this in order to gain approval , and so maybe it is , when you find yourself or when I find myself , in a perfectionist cycle and really trying to perfect the thing that I'm doing maybe perfect the way I'm looking , whatever it is getting curious .

Am I doing this that sort of like healthy striving , or is this self-focused ? Or is this other focused right now ? Is this sort of the flower that's connected to the people pleasing root ? And if that's the case , what can I do to take care of what's going on underneath the surface here ?

Because this isn't necessarily motivation that I need to keep moving forward . There's something else that needs tending to and perfecting the thing that I'm working on isn't going to do it because perfectionism isn't real . You know , it's not possible .

It's just going to make us fall back into a cycle of shame when we inevitably don't meet sort of that unrealistic standard that we've set ourselves up for . So again , more words . But yeah , brene Brown , I love the way she talks about perfectionism .

So am I trying to make someone else feel good , to then make myself feel a little bit more common , regulated . So noticing that and then eventually , over time , seeing if there's ways to start to experiment with or explore sort of small ways of challenging the people pleasing tendency

. So not transforming the tendency overnight , but if then this is just an example like if the tendency is when someone says , oh , where should we go to dinner , and your tendency is , I don't know , totally up to you , I've no preference , but maybe you do have a preference .

Maybe the challenge is to offer up oh , maybe I've heard of these few options , like , do you have any that you're interested in ?

You know , sort of a small , accessible way that feels like I'm starting to honor my needs in addition to this other person's needs , because the people pleasing is here's me , and then the less they ensign and then there's them , so kind of bringing yourself into the equation a little bit more slowly , slowly , over time , and then you know , of course , if therapy

is something that you're doing , kind of bringing that into sessions with your therapist . And then there's also lots of practices that I myself have engaged with over the years that have helped me to strengthen and develop my sense of self and to strengthen and develop my own intuition , because I think a large sort of outcome of people pleasing is that we do .

We lose our sense of self and we lose a sense of what do we actually want , what do we actually need and how can we honor that . And so you know , this might not be for everyone , but for some I love my yoga practice . It's a gentle yoga practice and I love it because it does .

The teachers that I work with often offer up , like here's sort of a wide menu , array of things that you can choose from and see what happens when you tune into your body and your emotions , tune into what's here for you today , and then you can make the choice to honor where you're at in this moment , and at first it was like I have no idea , but kind of

playing around with that , you start to learn what it is that you need and how you can honor that .

So it's not like maybe the quote unquote full expression of the pose just to look really like cool doing it , but maybe it's like no , I really need to rest today , so I'm going to be in the more restful version of this form , and that right there is challenging the people .

Please , I'm not doing this for anyone else but me , and that's just like one of many practices , like a journaling practice can be really eye-opening in terms of taking the focus off of everyone else and going inward , and there's so many more .

I think you shared last time you're on the podcast with Nick about like inviting the struggle right , and we invite that and we want to be with people in that .

People pleasing then again takes us out of that and I'm going to do this the way that you I think that you want me to do this and maybe trying to play with that a little bit in your sessions with your therapist if that's coming up , because I think it does come up for a lot of people I know it's come up for me in therapy before of like , well , I'm

just going to do this because I think I should and I don't know if it's helpful , but she thinks I should , so I'm going to do it and can you invite some of that struggle into session of like I'm feeling , like I'm trying to please you by doing these things and not share maybe what I'm really needing .

That even there , that dynamic of feeling safe enough to say that with your therapist , which hopefully you do , can be really , I think , supportive and altering in the way that you engage with other people on the outside , outside of your therapy sessions .

need and want Again , whether it is like texting , like here are some options for dinner places that we could go to if it's not the typical way . And then , yeah , certainly in therapy , I've also been a people pleaser in my own therapy as well , wanting to make sure that everyone else is taking care of , because then that suits .

But sometimes the comfort is important to lean into in efforts to yeah , like get to honor ourselves .

it is showing up again and that's just like such a common experience for people , because Intuitive eating and you know recovery from disordered eating is so intense and it's just such a different way of thinking about things that you know , when you disconnect from your needs to try to find containment , to try to settle into ways that felt comfortable before , and you

don't speak to that like we're missing a big piece of the puzzle , because short dieting is not the answer . But can we get familiar with the needs that are under the desire to diet ? And then what happens ?

Actually , I think I want to try this fill in the blank that would be Contrary or whatever like not as quote unquote aligned , to the work that we do , that that tendency is so real and it makes so much sense .

You know you want to again going back to like keep the peace and keep it okay , and knowing that , just like we talked about in our last episode , around like we invite the struggle .

It's sort of like we invite all parts of you , even and especially the parts that are maybe feeling ambivalent towards the process or Are not so sure that this is what you want , right , like . So that , too , is also a way to explore what it would be like to really state what it is you're thinking , meeting , wanting .

We care about our clients , whether they're on the same page of you know , intuitive eating , as we are not like , we care about them and we want Our clients to be able to feel honest and valued and respected and safe enough in the relationship that they can bring these things and start to challenge or understand or move with the people pleasing parts as much as

possible yeah , so well said right abby , anything you want to add as we finish up about People pleasing perfectionism , the only thing that I'm thinking about right now is it's my tendency and I've also talked to other people about this is okay if I start to kind of explore this people pleasing part .

Maybe that's for another time , but I do think there's a difference between people pleasing and sort of collective community care , so on the people pleasing and it's I'm focusing completely on your needs , totally disregarding my own , in order to feel safe and regulated , and that's not super helpful .

And on the flip side , it's not that like we're just then focusing all the attention and more than not caring at all about anyone the world , it's like no , when I'm taking care of myself , when I'm honoring my needs , when I'm listening to myself , I have way more space and I'm way more available to use really what those are , which are strengths , like the

people please are within us also has lots of strengths . And but the compassion attunement , so like when I take care of myself , I have more space to use those strengths in service of sort of like community care , in something much deeper than people pleasing for just kind of pushing down emotions .

If you're looking to start therapy for trauma , disordered eating or body image concerns , head over to our website at wwwreclaimtherapyorg to learn more about us and our work . We'll be back next week with another episode . Until then , take good care of yourself .