¶ Making Friends as Adults
Hi there , welcome to Reclaim you , a podcast published by the Reclaim Therapy team . Join us as we share stories , tools and insights on how to reclaim you in the wake of trauma , disordered eating and body shame . Grab your coffee , tea or your favorite snack and get cozy , because we're about to dive in .
Hey everybody , welcome back to another episode of Reclaim you . Abby and I are talking all about friendships as adults today and as we were just chatting before we started recording , we were talking about BumbleBFF , an app to find friends . I was sharing with her how I got on it to kind of check out the lay of the land .
So we started talking about BumbleBFF and I started recording . So we're going to jump right into the episode , sort of mid-BumbleBFF conversation , so just to catch you up to where we are . That's where we're starting out and we hope you enjoy this episode .
It was like dating . It was like it is Having to keep up with all the people and forgetting who's who .
They disappear , right , and then they want to charge you .
Yeah , yeah . And then just the anxiety of like who talks first . It's just , it's a lot . When I sort of wanted it and was really invested in finding friends in a new location . It was great while it lasted . But , like any app , it does sort of become addictive in a way , like the swipe bang and the matching and like you know who's new and will .
I find , like my new BFF right , too much , so good , for a short amount of time for me at least . And then moving on , yeah , I love this topic . It's something that I mean I grew up moving around a lot as a kid so I had to make friends at different schools every couple of years .
Like new school , new friends , yeah , middle school moving around , yeah , three different schools in three years . Like lots of trying to make friends in new places . And that has not stopped in adulthood . And you know , growing up it was scary and intimidating and uncomfortable in a very different way .
Like friendship kind of came a little bit more naturally growing up , even though I was bouncing around a lot . But as an adult it's like 20 million times harder and I've heard that it's so hard from so many people . Why is it so hard to make friends as an adult ?
Yeah , yeah . I'm just so curious because I never moved as a kid , so I was never like the new kid . What was that like to be like ? I remember the new kids walking into lunch from every being like , oh , did you see the new , did you see the new kid ? Or like it's a new kid in your class or girl or whatever . What was that like ?
Oh my gosh , you saying the lunch from the cafeteria , walk in . Just hearing you say that , I'm like imagery , all this imagery coming back to me of all the different schools and me walking in from the new kid perspective of like I can't imagine what I sit with .
Yeah , typically , I've learned over time to really kind of figure that out before going to the cafeteria , kind of scoping out in the class , you know , is there someone who also looks like they're kind of looking around , like who am I going to sit with and asking a question , or kind of walking close to them ? I remember . But no , it was terrifying .
Being the new kid is so not fun , it's . And and in middle school , oh , kids are mean , oh , the hardest years , oh , yeah , yeah . But I will say I think it has helped me be more adaptive and find ways to find my people relatively quickly , but it doesn't make it any easier now as an adult to find friends Like it's still very hard .
So , yeah , yeah , yeah , being the new kid .
Yeah , as a kid , like you have like the whole lunchroom in a way to like choose from , if people are warm and kind , which , like a lot of middle schoolers maybe aren't , or high schoolers , but there is this pool , right , but as adults , there's not necessarily this pool of people to like try out , sit with , see if you're welcome .
Yeah , yeah , not only is there not a pool of people to kind of like , be like okay , who are my people , who do I think I vibe with and enjoy hanging out with , and even sort of the trial and error of let me hang out with these people today and then , like they're not , I don't mesh with them .
Well , so let me go and kind of explore hanging out with these people . We don't have that pool as adults . And then also we just don't have the time to invest in friendship .
You know , at school , yes , we're learning , we're like in class and all the things , but there's ample time to like , talk to people and socialize and there's no adulting to do afterwards . So just the amount of friendship takes so much time and energy .
You know , if you think back to I think back to like elementary school and really like the way you made friends then was just like hey , you want to play on the monkey bars or whatever , I'm like , I'm like wow wow , wow , yeah . You find like what others are interested on the playground and , hey , come join the game or whatever .
And we don't have that now and then , and then also just the time that you can then spend every single day playing that same game , talking about different things and then going to hang out at friends houses . Now it's just like impossible to find time in the schedule .
Yeah , yeah , it's like you have to be so intentional about finding community , making time for community , making time for relationships . Yeah , just it's a lot of energy , especially when there's a million other things going on .
Yeah , yeah , yeah . Those are like two big reasons that come to mind as to why it's so hard to make friends as an adult . And I think , too , we live in a world that is very geographically like spread out . I don't know , I don't . I'm thinking about maybe generations prior to ours , where people sort of stayed in one area for longer .
Maybe I'm wrong on this , but I just feel like at least it's my experience that I've been in a certain community and made a lot of good friends , like college for example , and then we all sort of went our separate ways , geographically speaking , yeah , and I know , even as an adult , I've moved around a lot .
So I feel like that's happening a lot more , which makes it just that much harder , constantly like having to start fresh , if you do move around a lot .
Yeah , yeah . So as an adult you moved around a little bit . Tell us that experience , how you've navigated it , what you've kind of prioritized or how you've connected with people .
I mean , I think we could all say the like standards of , like the apps we were just talking about , or meet up groups or I don't know hoping going to a coffee shop and helping somebody or whatever it is , but what's been helpful for you as you've navigated moving ?
Yeah , I feel like I kind of there's like sort of IRL in real life meeting friends and then sort of online strategy I've also Google this before you know being an adult being like how to make friends when you move to a new city . As an adult , like give me the tips , give me the strategies yeah .
And so , like , even just from exploring that and thinking to myself okay , what are the ways people make friends , the sort of in real life ? I'll start with the in real life aspect . I had to do a lot of thinking about , like , what do I actually like , what do I actually enjoy doing as an adult ?
That would be sort of the equivalent of being on the playground and like do you want to play basketball or whatever ?
So for me it very much is like it's yoga , going to yoga classes , sort of being in a yoga community , and even that that's hard to sort of strike up conversation , but like at least taking the initiative to sort of go to the class and maybe sign up for like a workshop or something . That was always a strategy that I had in finding community .
And then so this is where in real life merges with online world . Meetup has been so helpful in many ways . So meetup just like a website where there's plenty of like people who create groups that you can join , whether it's a book club or a dance group or I don't know . The list goes on and on and on .
Yeah , anything , really anything . Workshops , yeah .
Yeah , yeah . So the and then I also , in terms of in real life merging with online worlds , I found it really helpful to think about , like , who are my network ? Like , what are my networks ? You ? know , so , whether it's like a college network , so maybe searching you know your call if you went to college in a different place , or searching like whatever .
For me it was UCLA's alumni group of Philadelphia . I feel like that was a really helpful way for me to connect with people where there's like a commonality , because it's so awkward to just be like so hey , what's your name , Where'd you grow up ?
Like there's already something to talk about with meetups with the alumni networks and just like doing the things you enjoy doing and maybe striking up a conversation when you're there , which is way easier said than done , that's for sure , that's for sure , yeah , yeah ,
¶ Overcoming Social Anxiety, Making Friendships
yeah .
I think about all the other challenges too that can go into it for folks . You know , when there's some overwhelm around like social anxiety , you know , especially after COVID right , especially after COVID coming out of that experience and being like , hey , how do I be in the world with people again , cause that feels overwhelming .
And then if people have experienced like bullying as children and are feeling left out or feeling like they don't belong , you know .
I feel like all of these things can really build and create some major barriers to building relationships and feeling confident even in your ability to build relationships , meaningful relationships , the depth of relationships you're looking for .
Yeah , yeah , the biggest barriers that I know exist , both for myself and for other people who I've talked to , who are struggling to make friends . As an adult , like that feels like the biggest thing that comes up around .
Like how do you just go to a thing knowing no one and strike up a conversation out of the blue and we're comparing a lot to like what making friends was like as kids .
And I'm thinking , you know , as children we don't have as many inhibitions , right , we're so quick to you know , that part of our brain maybe hasn't developed yet and so we're not thinking , oh my gosh , what is it ? What if this person thinks that this , that the other about me ?
You know , we're just , we think it and then we , you know , maybe just go and say , hey , do you want to play this game with me ? But now as adults , and especially as adults who struggle with anxiety , social anxiety , have a history of , yeah , struggling with others , bullying , yeah , there's all of this . Yeah , yeah , yeah . What are they going to say ?
I'm thinking about my four year old and how he sees a little kid in Target , or like putting out of a car in a parking lot , and he's like hey , what's your name ? Do you want to see my sticker ? Do you want to come play with me , do you right ?
Like it's just like he just wants to connect and it's not like , oh well , they think my sticker is weird , or well , they noticed that my shoes don't match , or like whatever it is , but it's just this , like inherent drive to be in a relationship with someone .
Mm-hmm , mm-hmm , yeah , and there's less sort of thinking and planning happening beforehand of like okay , I have to say like the just exact right thing , so that this person doesn't think I'm like totally , you know strange or whatever , yeah .
Yeah , and so , yeah , when I think about I mean , I am not immune to the anxiety of reaching out to strangers or going to an event where I don't know anyone I think I thought a lot about what is sort of the one small step that I can take that feels accessible even with the anxiety .
So , knowing that the anxiety isn't going to be completely absent , and recognizing , okay , what are my limits I don't want to maybe go to this event where I'm talking the whole time to people , because that's just too much . But is there an outdoor ?
I don't know , I'm just thinking of a random example Is there sort of an outdoor movie showing that's posted somewhere where you just show up , you bring a blanket , you bring some snacks and maybe you don't have to talk to anyone at all ?
But that's just the way that you sort of dip the toe in to feeling what it is like to put yourself in sort of an uncomfortable social situation , but one that's not so intense , where it's like I can't , I cannot even leave the house . Yeah , that's like yeah .
I think that's where apps can be helpful to right Like if your end goal is to meet people in real life , to dabble in one of these apps like Bumble , bff , or if you're a parent or mom peanut , you know to , to get some of those jitters out of like , how do you introduce yourself and how do you ? They like hey , what's up ?
I saw that you like hiking and I love hiking or whatever . In a way that feels like there's like lower , lower stake in a way . I think maybe someone does respond , feels a little I don't know this feel great at all , but it feels maybe a little better than being like hey , do you want to get coffee ? And something like no , I'm good .
Yeah , yeah , and that that's why Bumble BFF was like such an . I did , you know , try out Bumble BFF and actually met some great people on it .
So it's like we talked about earlier this dating , a dating app that has now sort of expanded into other areas of life , and I found that to be really helpful in starting up conversation in a really low stakes way , because even before you even say hello , you know , you have a sense of what this person is interested in .
There's already like just sort of like the alumni network idea . There's already a foundation from which you can connect .
So if there is a lot of anxiety which they're likely will be , because I just can't imagine there not being any anxiety and sort of I can't imagine that either yeah , making new friends as an adult , perhaps , just like really noticing what you're , what feels like the sort of baby step in that direction , what feels the most accessible , whether it is sort of that
idea of like just going to an event or you don't have to feel the pressure of , you know , just striking up conversation left and right or going the sort of digital route . Facebook groups are great . Facebook is just like , at least for me , a space of just groups . I know that in Philly there's like lots of groups for just so many different things .
Like you know , philly women in their 30s or whatever , people who like plants , people who like to knit . Yeah , yeah , anything a way to sort of just post in there like , hey , I need some support around this one plant , and then maybe that you're striking up conversation around like a plant swap , get together .
I don't know , I'm just thinking of all the random things that like how to sort of feel from dipping the toe to like the next baby step , right ?
No , no , like waiting in , yeah .
I think , to like around the social anxiety piece , the other thing that really comes up for me and has for a long time , the way that we feel like we should be further along in the friendship domain .
So like , yeah , this belief that , is there something wrong with me if I don't have this like really solid core group of friends at this age when , like , I'm at the life stage or I should be at the age of you know I'm not at the age or I should be at the life stage where this is really solidified and you know I'm done with that . Now I'm moving on .
Like my friendships are solidified , I don't need to think about it anymore . I mean , social media and media have , I think , a lot to do with that . I'm not immune to seeing group photos on social media and questioning , like , well , what about ?
What about , like my group of people , wonderful friends , and you know I'm busy and doing all the things , it doesn't even matter , it still hits that nerve .
Absolutely , absolutely .
Which I think also increases the anxiety around doing the thing like me , putting yourself out there to meet new people , feeling like a pressure cooker in some ways .
You feel the pressure to like have a figured out , to have the community and have the group and have the .
You know you're like besties right , and yeah , it's a pressure cooker for anxiety and worry and then that can really interfere with your ability to put yourself out there and to find the people , the person , the group who knows you know that are the actual good fit for you , not just kind of like place folders .
Yeah , there's so many parallels to dating .
As we're talking about this , I'm just thinking there's so many parallels to dating around like I should be at this stage , I should be , you know , with someone , or I should have my best friends , and then when you feel like you don't , in comparison to everyone else , it becomes that much harder to you know , do it , scared , you know , like put yourself out
there . So that's really hard .
¶ Making Friends as an Adult
I love how you're like the categories of like , what do I love ? How do I find those things ? Because without that it can be hard to even know where to start right . Like you have yoga . You know another member of our team has gardening and books and things like that and it's like finding that , finding the niche or even the season of life that you're in .
I know you know , for me it probably is finding mom friends with toddlers , because I don't know that like a single person without toddlers wants to hang out with me a lot because I have toddlers and it just like takes up my entire world for the most part .
So it's like finding people who are in a similar season as you and who have similar I don't even like issues or passions and all of those things . That feels like the place to start .
Yeah , yeah . And that brings me back to what we were talking about earlier , which is making friends as an adult is hard for so many reasons , and I think too one of those reasons is we change throughout our lives , not only in terms of where we're at in the life stage sense , but also our interests and values change and shift .
So , you know , we may have a lot of really good friends from a young age and now our values and interests are shifting and that doesn't mean that those front . Maybe it means those friendships change , maybe it doesn't .
And it could mean that , you know , as we're looking to make friends as adults , by getting really clear on what our interests are , what our values are , where we're at in our lives , we can then kind of seek out people who you know fit where we're at or compliment where we're at .
So I think that's another hard part of making friends and I think that's a good thing to do , because we're also continuing to figure out who we are in this moment .
Yeah , yeah , yeah , it's so hard and just what's coming up for me , as you were saying , that is like the grief and losing friendships and , you know , having things look and feel different because you are in a different phase of your life . I can relate to that a lot , of .
A lot of my friends had kids much before I did , and so I didn't really get it and things that I value them or care about them any less .
It's just we're in different seasons and some of them are still my very best friends and you know we , our kids , don't like it together and like there is a lot of grief and things shifting and changing and being faced with like well , who are my people if these people aren't ?
And a lot of kinds of things can bring on feelings of like being left behind , which again can create that pressure cooker of like , well , I have to find something , what's going on for me , what's wrong with me that I don't have this or whatever , that you're going on vacations together and all of the things .
Yeah . Yeah , there's grief too . And okay , you meet someone who's sort of a potential friend . And yeah , the dating yeah , the dating connection Right . And there's grief then and you meet with them .
You're like we have similar interests , we're at a similar life stage and yet the connection is just not there , yeah , and so , similarly to the grief that you were just talking about as it relates to friends , you've grown up with friends that sort of you're just in different places in your lives for whatever reason .
It's not the same as it once was , and now you're in a place where you're trying to make new friends and find your people and that's not happening as easily . That's a lot of grief too . That's a lot of . There's a lot of disappointment in that frustration , anger , wanting to give up , loneliness , yeah , yeah , yeah .
And then you know feeling like is it me , is there any hope that I'll find my people ? That's where I come back to it , like reminding myself that it takes time , patience , and also there's an element of this that I think is really important of what is it like to be doing things by yourself ?
How do you do you feel okay with you know , doing something you love on your own , and maybe feeling all the feels that come up with that around , like is this awkward or I should have someone doing this with me , whether it's like going to the movies or going on a dinner date by yourself not to say that anyone has to do that but I think that's an
important part of considering how do I make friends as an adult ? The question how do I also be comfortable with myself , with myself ?
Totally , yeah , and I'm also thinking on the other side of this is , you know , when you have people you build connections with or you feel like you vibe with right , making sure that you cultivate and you make time for and you like tend to those relationships , because that's the other side of it of you know you kind of long for this and then adulting right ,
adulting can get in the way , but holding those relationships really sacred feels so important that I think we often kind of forget about okay , yeah , like I made these friends , and if you don't make the time for it , like anything , there's not going to be trust , there's not going to be the healthy foundation or all of those things .
So it's like making sure you hold those relationships sacred when they , when they're meaningful and they really hit , and you know prioritizing them as much as you can .
Yeah yeah , that's so huge and it's a great reminder for me too , because it's so easy to get swept up in the day to day and forget or lose sight of . Like wait , this is a really important part of my life as well that I want to nurture and cultivate . I've heard people doing really strategic and effective ways of doing this .
So like , whether it's , you know , finding a show that's super consistent , that you all like , even if it is just Zoom , or you're like getting together once a month on , like a scheduled time around a certain thing that can be really helpful . Yeah , just being more strategic about it with all of the adult schedules Totally , totally .
I think Emily was saying we had a meeting on Friday . Emily was saying how she like had a book club for a year , when they met for a year . And I'm like , oh my gosh , that's actually amazing that you've had a book for an entire year . Like it's built in connection . Why don't you talk about books or whatever it is ?
It's still this time to just be with each other , which is the name of the game , right ? We all want connection .
Yeah , like I think too I've had the thought of , oh my gosh , I found like having to schedule it . It feels really sort of just like work , but it really is important to schedule those things . Just says it's important to schedule in self care or to schedule in me time .
You know , sometimes we just have to in order to make it a priority and to nurture those things . It has to be a scheduled thing .
And also I know I need to do a better or I want to do a better job of spontaneous in addition to the scheduling right , like spontaneously texting a friend or a loved one when I'm thinking about them , if something comes into my mind and it's just it reminds me of them .
I'm often the person who thinks the thing and smiles or laughs about it and then walks on in the day and I'm like that's a great opportunity to just like connect . Yeah , you know it's a small thing , but it's a big thing .
Absolutely . It's like you think of someone . It's like , oh yeah , I wonder how they're doing and you carry on , you know , and you're right , just taking the extra five seconds to send a quick text or like a voice memo or whatever it is . Yeah , it can be so impactful and just make you feel that much more connected to the people you really care about .
Yeah , yeah , yeah . I keep thinking just how much patience is a key in all of life , but also in developing friendships , nurturing friendships . I often forget how much time it took for me to develop my friendships with people that I've been connected to for a long , long time .
Somehow my brain seems to think we did that in a day and it's like we know there's been so much there's just been so much history and so much time and energy put into those relationships that I sometimes develop the expectation for friendships in adulthood to be like overnight . We have an instant connection and we all have .
We have all these inside jokes and we just get each other and it's like well , this , not now , it's always going to work out Totally . Take some time and effort .
Yeah , any tips for folks who are struggling and building friendships or finding friends or are just feeling like discouraged as an adult with less connection than maybe they'd like ?
One other thing that I had been thinking about as it relates to finding our people . We keep talking about this comparison between making friends as a kid , making friends as an adult .
Making friends as a kid , You're very much in like a school setting often , where sort of people are abundant , the lunch room and also I have to remind myself to not sort of discount or disregard work spaces .
I've often had the tendency to really be strict about work life balance and not to say that that's not important , right , Like we all have our own definition of work life balance , what works for us , what doesn't , and also like we get you know , some of us really we get into careers , jobs that are personally meaningful , for whatever reason , and I am constantly
reminded of . Like the people that I work with have a lot of similar interests and values and I've like developed really strong connections with those folks I think about the work that we do . You know it's so hard to find people who get it in the sense of like not talking about diets and not talking about .
You know I'm talking about our work personally , but I think that can be generalized to a lot of people's work situations . If you're in a work situation that feels like it matches your values and your desires , I just had to remind myself don't discount that there's so much wonderful stuff happening in those spaces . Yeah .
Absolutely . It feels like in the work that we do , our values do very much so align , because we wouldn't be doing this work in this capacity if they didn't .
Perhaps that is a path to consider if you feel really aligned to the work that you do and the people that you work with .
Yeah , absolutely , if you can have that balance of doing it in a healthy way and not just commiserating about work all the time , maybe yes . That's what I want to do , but also space for more , space for more .
Yes , absolutely . I think it's a helpful reminder , for me at least , to know that there are so many people who are experiencing the same exact challenge , even if on social media it looks like the opposite is the case .
More people than not , in my experience , often feel a sense of loneliness or feel a sense of yearning for more connection than they maybe have or would like to have For me .
I'm consistently reminding myself that the way things look are not always as they seem , and we all yearn for authentic , deep connection , and it's really hard to find that and maintain that in the really busy , online , geographically dispersed world that we live in .
And so , being gentle with yourself if and when it's challenging to find and maintain connections , and holding on to hope that they exist , and so perhaps doing , in addition to sort of I love this like the do it scared , like doing it scared stuff to seek out connection and put yourself out there , continuing to like go inward too , and like we had been talking
about thinking about what are my values , what are my interests , how can I do all those things on my own as well , not to just sort of put that aside and wait for the right person or people to do it with . That was a lot of roundabout stuff .
Yeah , no , I love it . I think it's a great reminder for myself too , really , and I think a lot of people will resonate with that . And I'm just thinking you said values a few times and I'm thinking of the handout that we made about values maybe a month or so ago and I'll link to it in our show notes .
It's like a great list and some questions that Abby came up with in a blog of like what are your values and how do you know what your values are , and then how that through this conversation , why finding people who are in alignment with those things just feels so important .
So if that's helpful for anyone , I'll put the link in the show notes so that you have access to that . So hopefully it'll be supportive in kind of like knowing what you're , what you're looking for and what resonates for you and who you might vibe with .
Yeah , I love that . Yeah , I think the friendship stuff goes like interests are super important to find people who have similar interests . And also , on a deeper level , are there ways that we can find people who connect in similar values ?
Yeah , yeah , love this conversation . I think that it will really resonate . I know it resonates for me , so thank you . Thank you as always . Right , everybody . We will be back next week and if you have thoughts about friendships and like what's work , please , you know , message us on Instagram or should this an email ?
And if you're looking for support around building relationships , you know , certainly check out the therapist at the practice , be happy to support you in that . But otherwise we will be back next week with another episode . Yeah , excited . Thank you so much for joining us on this episode of Reclaim you .
Be sure to like , comment and subscribe and check us out on YouTube at Reclaim you . If you're looking to start therapy for trauma , disordered eating or body image concerns , head over to our website at wwwreclaimtherapyorg to learn more about us and our work . We'll be back next week with another episode . Until then , take good care of yourself .