¶ Exploring Boundaries
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We're chatting with Abby today . Hey Abby , hi Sarah , hi everyone , hey , so we are doing the who , why , how , what . All about boundaries today ? Yes , boundaries . Yeah , so hard , but like so necessary , right , but so important , and like I roll at the same time and all of the things , mm-hmm . Yeah .
Yeah , i think that I just actually posted on Instagram or Reel and from last week's episode with Casey talking about boundaries , and I was like , uh , and that's kind of like the reaction that I feel like a lot of us give , but boundaries are so hard .
Yeah , and we talk about boundaries all the time And it feels like it's sort of I mean in my mind I'm like , oh gosh , like I feel like I am constantly thinking about boundaries , talking about boundaries and still like , despite all the conversation about boundaries , like it's still so hard to put into practice .
It's such a challenge , yeah , why it's so important to keep talking about and to keep exploring , like how our boundaries showing up in my life , not showing up in my life , Where do I need to set up more boundaries ?
Yeah , yeah . So I guess , to start , can you like , when you think about boundaries or talk about boundaries , what does it mean ? Because we do , we talk about boundaries a lot And sometimes I think it's helpful to break it down , to like , what is a boundary ?
Yeah , being like more visual in my brain . I like I really think of boundaries as being sort of like the space between me and whatever else is in existence , like the boundary between me and another person , the boundary between me and diet culture .
For example , prentice Hemphill who like I'm going to have to read the quote exactly is a therapist , somatic teacher , founder of embodiment Institute has an amazing quote about boundaries . They state boundaries are the distance at which I can love you and me simultaneously .
And when I read that , heard that it just solidified my understanding of boundaries in a different way , like in a very embodied way , like it's the space at which I can love you and me simultaneously . That definition also helped me come to terms with the fact that boundaries are not just important for me but they're important for all of my relationships .
I think it's so easy to get wrapped up in like when I set a boundary on being selfish . it's all about me . This definition that they write about boundaries , this distance at which I can love you and me simultaneously , like I just I think it's so important to remember . Yeah , it's super relational , boundaries are super relational .
Yeah , no , that is a really wonderful quote And I'm curious how you just alluded to it , some of like how do you feel like it allows us to love other people maybe more deeply or more connectedly , connectedly is that a word ? We'll make it a word .
I mean , i know in my own life , if I'm in a relationship with someone , whether it be a family member , a friend , really anyone if I am in relationship with them and a boundary is not in place and I'm feeling resentful , i'm feeling frustrated , i'm feeling like they're overstepping , i'm not able to be as present in the relationship , i'm not able to connect with
them in the way that I want to . So I know , for me , like when that boundary is not in place but there needs to be a boundary in place , yeah , i'm just , I'm full of resentment , full of frustration .
There's tension there , Yeah , whereas , like when there's a boundary in place and we're both sort of respecting said boundary , all of that kind of dissolves or washes away and makes so much more space and room for , yeah , presence , connection , curiosity .
Yeah , And then if we flip it around , for you or us being able to love ourselves maybe more deeply , having the boundary , what like ? what's in that space That feels so important ?
When I first started learning about boundaries and practicing the application of boundaries , i think that sort of self-love piece was my focus , like when I set a boundary . This is a form of self-care . This is a form of self-love . This is me honoring my own needs , my own wishes , my own desires .
It's a form of showing up for ourselves that we don't really often get to do in many other ways . Like it's reaffirming for ourselves like this is a need that I have and I have every right to have it . And so when we don't , we don't just say that to ourselves .
When we actually send that message out into the world in whatever way through a boundary , we're reaffirming that for ourselves I am worthy of having my needs and wants and expectations heard and met . So , yeah , that's sort of that piece of Prentice's quote or definition of boundaries , like where I can love you and me simultaneously .
My initial understanding of boundaries was very much like the me , but I'm starting to really integrate the both . It's both you and me . This boundary is for both you and me and our relationship .
I love that , and I'm also thinking of how it challenges the difference between selfishness and self-care , right , like is it really selfish to set boundaries and to really focus and worry about your own needs , or is it really just you taking care of yourself in a deeper , maybe more connected way ?
Yeah , i think that I imagine that's one of the harder parts about setting boundaries . for a lot of people , feeling like this is a selfish act . I'm not considering the other person in this equation , i'm being all about me , me , me . Yeah , it really brings up that difference of like selfishness versus self-care . Yeah , honoring our needs is a form of self-care .
How do you feel , like you know when a boundary needs to be set , like what are some things to maybe look out for or acknowledge internally ?
Yeah , the feeling of like agitation in the body When I'm in relationship with someone and there's just a sense of agitation .
There's a sense of maybe I'm feeling drained after a conversation or being with a person , The resentment as I had mentioned earlier , like if I'm starting to feel resentful about a relationship , a person , a thing in my life , perhaps there's a need for a boundary to be set , Perhaps there's a need for more space between me and that thing , me and that person .
Those are typically my signs . I don't know if there's any others that come to mind for you . Yeah , mine are like the agitation and the resentment , feeling super drained .
Yeah , definitely , i think I'm with you on those . I'm thinking of those internal signs , no like , no , that's not okay .
Bringing another person into the conversation . Like Brene Brown talks about boundaries a lot too .
Another researcher , social worker , and says , like boundaries are very simply like what's okay and what's not okay , and what I heard you saying was just like that internal , this is not okay , like you being in my space in this way , physically or energetically , emotionally , is not okay , and so maybe that does manifest in that sort of ick .
Yeah , and even like time , right , i think about all the different types of boundaries , of like , boundaries around time and boundaries around personal space , boundaries around emotions , belongings , and there's all of these different places we can set boundaries to be more protective of ourselves , allowing us to show up differently in relationship with people and things ,
right , and I'm sure the need to set boundaries would be different in all of those different realms of things , of personal space , or items , or time , or energy or emotion or whatever it is .
Yeah , it can be really , I think , easy to just think about boundary setting in sort of one sense of the word , of like , okay , someone is like maybe like physically too close to me or they're not giving me enough space in the house , you know , or their stuff is all over my side of the room , like whatever it is , and to remember there are ways in which
we need to set boundaries in many parts of our lives . I think emotionally is one that I've like . The category of like emotional boundaries is one that I've struggled with the most because it feels really ambiguous , yeah , and amorphous , like it's like what exactly is going on here emotionally in this relationship ?
that's giving me that ick , that's making me feel drained and restless and agitated and resentful . It's hard to for me at least , it's really hard to get clear on what is the boundary I need to set in this sort of emotional exchange .
Yeah , Yeah , and as you're saying that I was thinking , for me part of what's hard is what's at risk , what could be at risk , at least in my brain , like the narrative in my brain is saying , or part of me is saying , like maybe don't set the boundary , because if you do , then what will they think ? what will they do ?
how will this impact future interactions ? It can go and go and go and go . So it can feel so scary to do that because it feels different , it feels risky , it feels vulnerable And if maybe you haven't been comfortable , like being in those places and feeling those things , it can feel just like really flooding to even consider setting a boundary .
Yeah , i was thinking about who might struggle with boundaries . The most people or types of people came to mind And I was thinking , like the people pleasers , the perfectionists , you know those of us and I say us because I wholeheartedly identify with perfectionism and people pleasing , lovingly a part of your crew . Right , right .
I feel like those sort of parts of me make it really hard to set boundaries , because we don't , like you were just saying , like we don't . The fear is like what will this person think ? how will this make them feel ? are they going to leave ? It goes so deep down to like am I then lovable ? right , like , am I worthy of love in this relationship ?
There's lots of scary things like scary and very real things that are underneath all of this .
Yeah , which is why I think , like you know the physical category of boundary setting , there's some things that are maybe more concrete of like time . For example , i need to set a boundary around the time that I'm spending doing XYZ with this person . what have you ? And then there will be for other .
you know other categories that are really challenging for people to set boundaries and because of those tendencies , the people pleasing the perfectionism Absolutely .
It's so funny because when you're talking about even just like physically setting a boundary , I'm thinking of when I was growing up .
I have a twin sister and we shared a room forever for our entire lives And we are just like complete opposites And growing up I used to get duct tape and literally draw a line down the side of the room , So like a very physical boundary , And like my side of the room was very type A right , Like very like organized and put away . You can envision that .
And then my sister's side of the room was just like ship , was like everywhere , everywhere . So it was just this like very physical boundary of like no , your shit stays on your side And my side stays the way that I needed to stay .
That felt really easy , probably because it was like such a safe relationship and we were literally gonna live together for 18 years of our lives in the same room . So , yeah , I think that was probably like my first time setting very physical boundary .
I love that And I wonder too , like , even like an inch of clothing over that line ?
Nope , not a like thrown across the room Like why are you thinking Like , get it off my side .
That's awesome . That is awesome , yeah . I mean like what you said in there too was like that was such a safe relationship for you to set that really concrete boundary And I was thinking about who we have an easier time setting boundaries with versus who in our lives it's much harder to set boundaries with .
¶ Setting Boundaries in Relationships
in that relationship . It's like , all right , we're gonna be doing this for a long time . We're gonna be doing this for the long haul , yeah , and I feel really comfortable and safe with you , like just putting that line down .
And then there's other people in our lives where the boundary setting is not only harder but it's going to like look and sound very different . I often think about and I think people have like different words for this , but for me it resonates most to think about like internal and external boundaries .
Like I do feel like there are some people in our lives where , like external boundary setting , explicit verbal boundary setting or explicit like tape on the floor boundary setting may not be super safe or possible And so , like what does then boundary setting look like in those relationships ? Does it have to be a little bit more internal ?
initially , where we're kind of you know I'm thinking about diet , culture and how it's so pervasive and we hear conversations about bodies and food left and right . Once you see it , you can't unsee it .
And so , like I know , for me there's certain people in my life where I feel way more comfortable and safe to say , look , i'm not about that , that sort of topic is not okay for me . Let's talk about something else , like being really explicit , unapologetically so . And then there's other people whether it's just like distant relation .
You know , i'm not as close with them , so it's kind of like I don't really know how this is going to land . Where the boundary may be that I , instead of saying something explicitly , i need to sort of maybe step out of the room or change the subject or be a little bit more internal , like do more of the internal work .
As a boundary setting .
Yeah , i don't know how I went from sort of tape on the floor to that .
But I think about types of people in our lives who have to set boundaries with , Yeah , and even those people that feel I'm doing air quotes I don't know why I'm doing it , Maybe it'll make sense when I keep talking but that feel really safe to set boundaries , and then they don't honor the boundary .
So it's like , oh , I have safety here I can share , like this , please don't talk about food or your diet or whatever it is And they're like oh , okay , yeah , I hear you , I hear you . And then they do . Anyway .
That can feel really , really hard because you thought that they were safe and maybe they aren't as safe as you hoped they were , or they were before , or whatever it is .
It's so hard . Yeah , there's really like no formula or step-by-step approach of like okay , i set the boundary , they follow it , they need it , and then we move on in our relationship and everything is peachy . It's like setting the boundary in a way that feels aligned for us and for the relationship .
I mean , that's happened so many times where a boundary's been set and someone hasn't met it , especially as it relates to conversations around food , diet , culture , talk , body talk , And my guess in that is like it's so like , as I had said before , it's so pervasive , it's so ingrained .
There is a compassionate part of me that's like comes up and recognizes and remembers . This is hard for a lot of people to even recognize in themselves , maybe like , oh yeah , i'm talking about that diet again . I don't .
They may not necessarily realize , even though you have set the boundary , yeah , there may be a forgetfulness there , like an unawareness , and so the conversation keeps going . So there is like that aspect of me that comes up of like , okay , can I maybe be compassionate , and also I'm pissed , i'm angry .
You know , i had an expectation that did not get met , and so for me , like what I know I sort of try to do next , it is really fluid , like can I reset the boundary ? Can I speak up about that again ? Can I remind the person hey , again , this is something that really I don't want to talk about and see what happens .
And if that boundary continues to not be met , then the question becomes okay , now , what do I need to do to adjust ?
I think that can look lots of ways . That can in maybe more extreme or more intense cases . that means sometimes like ending the relationship or creating more space from that relationship .
maybe Other times I think you can mean other things , like maybe just spending less time or just shutting down talk right away or , like you said earlier , walking out of a room The span of all of that can be pretty fast of someone continues to cross the boundary , cross the boundary , cross the boundary .
Yeah , and , as I said earlier , i feel like boundary setting is there's no linear path , there's no formula , it's trial and error . If it feels safe to do so at the front end when you set the boundary , if it feels safe to say being really concise and clear like I need , i want , i expect blank from you .
And if that doesn't happen or I need us to not talk about these things when we're together and if that doesn't happen like this is what I'll need to do , kind of like setting it all out at the forefront .
If that feels comfortable , can be helpful And maybe maybe not initially , like maybe that's not required or necessary , but perhaps in that resetting of the boundary it's like hey , we talked about this , i really love hanging out , i want to keep doing that .
And when we start talking about diets and food and all of this stuff , as I had mentioned before , i feel blank or it's a lot for me . I need us to not talk about that And if we continue to find ourselves in this place , i need to maybe create some more distance .
Whatever it is , fill in the blank for what makes sense for you in the relationship Absolutely .
And you know , body talk to body comments I think is something that we talk a lot about of , not only diet talking , food talk , but also when people just like so freely comment on bodies and just like stop right , generally like everyone's just stop , but when people are communicating that it's , i think it becomes almost so second nature for people to talk about
bodies and hate on their bodies and talk about that right that they don't even realize it half the time , which again like a corner of compassion of like yeah , we get it .
You know , diet culture is real and we live in a really shitty society And there's suffering that's happening on the other side of these types of body comments and like pulling people back into really , really hard patterns and behaviors and self-beliefs . There's like a lot of risk in making those comments .
Mm-hmm . I feel like it's as common as like talking about the weather . in many ways It's so automatic , and I do feel as though there are many people that are just not aware that they're maybe even talking about it again or that it has the impact that it has . Yeah , it's everywhere .
And I'm just thinking about again , sort of like my menu of options not that I have the menu readily available in my brain all the time Like , sometimes I just it's hard to think about what do I want to say , what do I want to do in these moments . Sometimes we freeze and like that's okay too . It's hard to know what to do .
but sometimes , like , my menu of options does pop up and the menu is like can I change the subject ? Oh , you know , speaking of I don't know shorts .
Speaking of pants , i know Like what .
Speaking of like pants , have you gone to that new mall or whatever ? However , it makes sense , like I do find that to be sort of my most used menu item .
If it's too hard to set a really firm boundary in that moment , or it doesn't make sense in the situation or with the person , perhaps the best boundary to set is okay , we're going to change the subject now . Yeah , but the other menu options or items are really , like you know , leaving the space , leaving the room , if that's what you need to do .
And , of course , like setting a more explicit boundary when you talk about bodies And you know it doesn't have to be some long , convoluted thing Like I need us to not talk about bodies or diets or whatever , point blank .
Yeah , point blank Done . That's just what I need , because it can feel so overwhelming to consider Okay , how do I feel ? How do I communicate that ? What do I need ? How am I going to handle it ?
And going straight to the point of I just can't be around when you're talking about bodies , like I just need you to not do it , and trusting that whatever fallout happens , if fallout happens , you're going to be able to handle that And hopefully the relationship will be able to handle that .
¶ Exploring Boundaries and Self-Care
Some affirmations I think that are helpful . When setting boundaries is , i mean , i know for me is sort of however this boundary lands for this person is for them to process and figure out and take care of . I also think a lot about , like that's theirs , this is mine Back here in the fall . Yeah , it's really , really complex .
I mean , i've also heard before some people talk about or like use sort of an analogy of when setting boundaries around , this sort of diet talk , body talk , which I think can be helpful for some people and maybe solidify it more in their brains , which is , you know how some people don't like to talk about religion or politics , like you know , somehow some people
just kind of keep that out of conversation . That's how I feel about diet talk and body talk . I want for us to kind of keep that off the table . Moving forward , i haven't used that one in particular , but I think it could be helpful for some .
So let's go back real quick to some of like the internal work around boundaries . So we talked a lot about the external work and the how and all of that , and what about what you can do internally with yourself while or after setting a boundary ?
I , after I set a boundary , i find it really helpful to kind of check in with myself . How did that feel when I set the boundary ? Like in that moment , how did I feel physically in my body , if I can sort of tap into that . What were some of the thoughts that were sort of running through my mind ? How did that land for the other person ?
And again , that is not our responsibility , but just like noticing what came up for the other person and therefore what reaction did that stir up in me , just taking a moment to pause and reflect what was that interaction like ? And then , sort of after the fact , how am I feeling now , now that the boundary is set , how am I feeling again in my body ?
What are some things I'm thinking about ? Did that boundary feel aligned ? And it may be unclear , we may not know right away . I just think , taking a moment to check in And then also remembering and reminding ourselves a boundary is not finite , it's not final . You can have a do over , you can go back and adjust course .
Sometimes I've set boundaries that are way too rigid , more rigid than I had intended , and it wasn't actually what I wanted or needed , and that's okay . I set a really rigid boundary that felt right and made sense in the moment .
And then thereafter , after checking in with myself again , how is this boundary feeling for me , noticing , okay , perhaps I don't need it to be this rigid . There's the metaphor , like the visual , of like a brick wall as a boundary that's super rigid .
Can I then maybe sort of backtrack and get curious about what might like sort of a garden fence boundary , look like One that has a gate that opens and closes ? That's a little bit more permeable or flexible . And then , of course , going back to that person or whoever you set the boundary with , to continue the communication . I set this boundary .
It's not feeling super right for me anymore And you don't even have to use the word boundary , however , you communicate that .
We had this conversation , yeah .
I said I needed this space in this way And after taking some time to reflect on it and think about it , i'm realizing that may not actually be what I need And what I'm really hoping for . What I really want is for the relationship to look this way . I find that to be super helpful Taking in with myself how did that feel in the moment ?
How does it feel now ? And intermittently checking in with yourself How is this still feeling ? Do I need to change the boundary ? Because that's completely allowed Absolutely .
And there that is again that like taking care of yourself and taking care of the relationship . Right , that boundary does that and really honors that process of being able to show up in that way for yourself and in the relationship that you're in . And I'm also just thinking of practice , right , it can be really hard .
I have a hard time with boundaries a lot at times . It's a lot of my own personal work And so it's like this practice and practice and practice and practice . That makes it a bit more of a skill at some point , maybe still challenging , but it's okay if it's not easy at first .
Yeah , similar to this sort of post check-in . After setting a boundary . We can do any kind of post check-in . If we didn't set a boundary and we really needed to or wished we had , it can get . It can be easy to get down on ourselves .
I should have spoken up in that moment , i should have said something , should have done something differently , and sure we can honor that . Recognize a boundary would have been helpful in that moment .
I did the best that I could with what I had And next time , if there's the opportunity and also I can reach out to this person , there are options for moving forward . There's still potential to set boundaries , whether they are internal boundaries or external boundaries .
Love that . Yes , anything else you feel like you want to add ?
Yeah , the boundary setting is so hard and it's just a constant conversation with ourselves What do we need ? What do we want ? We are worthy and deserving of having our needs be known by others in our lives .
It can be really helpful to just consistently check in with yourself , whether it's through a journal , practice , through therapy , to just get more in touch with what are my needs , what are my wants . Are they being met by myself and by others And , if not , what are some ways I can take care of that ? What are some ways I can communicate that Beautiful ?
I love it . All right , everybody , we will be back next week for another episode And in the meantime , make sure you head to the website and check out all of our new merch that we just launched last week .
Let us know what your thoughts are around boundaries , what's challenging , what's helpful , even celebrating success in setting boundaries , because I think that's important too . Let us know your thoughts , we'd love to hear . All right , we will see you next week . Thank you so much for joining us on this episode of Reclaim You .
Be sure to like , comment and subscribe and check us out on YouTube at Reclaim You . If you're looking to start therapy for trauma , disordered eating or body image concerns , head over to our website at wwwreclaimtherapyorg to learn more about us and our work . We'll be back next week with another episode . Until then , take good care of yourself .