Exploring Joyful Movement in Eating Disorder Recovery

We're back with Laura today , after her last episode talking all about bariatric surgery and the risks and the aftermath and the ins and outs and nuances . We're back talking about movement . It feels like a great launching point to talk about movement for all folks and for folks who have experienced bariatric surgery as well . So just looping that in as well .

Excited to talk about this , yeah .

So I'd love to hear your thoughts on what joyful movement is , how it can be really complicated and nuanced . I think movement can be one of the hardest parts of recovery .

It's not in any way grounded in I'm doing this so I can look different , lose weight . It's not grounded in those sort of negative beliefs about self that somehow I have to shrink myself , somehow I have to tone myself , so I have to change my body in order to be worthy .

That is the disordered movement that we struggle with as individuals , as a society , that people certainly who have had challenges with eating disorders , disordered eating , struggle with as well , and I would say it's also gentle movement .

Joyful movement is so it is hard to get into it because many of us , when we're in recovery , are coming out of a relationship with movement that has been pretty punitive and has been pretty regimented and like every day , day in and day out , hours in the gym for some people , sometimes twice a day , twice a day .

It doesn't help that there's doctors as well who , like you know , pontificate oh yeah , well , you just have to put out more than you take in . And if that means you go to the gym twice a day , you go to the gym twice a day . So , yeah , so I think this process of coming into joyful movement is really a process of discovery .

It's an opportunity to really look at what is it that I like to do in terms of moving my body , like when I used to run . Did I really like running , or was I just running because I knew that was the quickest way to lose weight ? I had to tone my body , or whatever was my reasoning , you know .

So it can be exciting that way , like trying new things , dipping our toes in , but always with a sense of I don't want to say non-committal like we're committed to exploration .

But once you find something a reminder that has come to me constantly , especially from my dietitian , is just because you go to one dance class doesn't mean now you have to sign up for all of them .

When it comes to moving our body , especially just with the narrative , I think that we learn , as like children in gym class you have to move , you have to be healthy , you have to do these things running the mile or whatever it is in gym class , it comes fraught with so much pressure and if you're not good or you're not fit , there starts this pathologizing of

bodies . So so much is wound up in it from such a young age for so many people .

We're so multifaceted in our giftedness and just because someone can't do 70,000 pushups in a minute or whatever the stupid test is , or ? Or ? I remember the bent arm hanging and the pull ups . I hated those .

My arms have always been a weak spot , like it's just how I was made , right , and I shouldn't even say weak my muscles just aren't as strong as my legs , right , yeah , but I was made to feel like there was something wrong with me because I couldn't do those things and no one was then saying , oh well , here's what you do to like , if you want to learn

how to do this , here's what you can do to learn . It was just , like assumed we should naturally know how to do that and I was like but now my father was a semi professional sports person . Like he played semi pro baseball . He played football basketball . Like it's not .

Like I come from a line of people you know genetically or or even environmentally , where I wasn't exposed to stuff , but school just really like had these ways of going about teaching us . That really caused me and , I think , others , to feel like , well , I'm not athletic , like I can never do this stuff and there's something wrong with me because of that .

But you know , we , as we , as adults , we don't play enough , we don't . You know our , our version of play is Disordered . Exercise , you know , is consumption of alcohol , use of substances is , you know , is doing things to like add to our list of Accomplishments , versus doing things for the joy of doing it .

Yeah , yeah and I invite people to get out of that mindset , like it is perfectly Acceptable and and I celebrate and give people permission Do something that you just love to do and to have a fact if it is , you know , in line with what you have to get done that day , or if it is , you know , something that is Blessed by others as appropriate for your age

or your body size or whatever , to heck with that . Now saying that you have to , we have to consider where our safe places and spaces that we do that right , absolutely .

But yeah , yeah , that that idea of play and joy and lightness and just letting yourself Experience movement , versus letting the movement dictate your worth , your value , what you're gonna do with your time , what have you .

And I think something in about play , like something I was thinking about when it comes to the childhood sort of school related introductions when you're doing these things in front of everyone , when you're being quote-unquote , graded on it right , like tested , yeah , is that , even if someone might have the ability to do these things or want to do these things or

Could you know , could work toward being able to do pull-ups if they wanted to do that ? The amount of pressure to perform in front of others and then the shame that comes in the wake of that . It's like I couldn't , even if I knew how or or was capable of doing Whatever the thing was the exercise was .

That shame was so heavy with me that I would get frozen . Like I remember playing kickball now at home we played with football all the time . Mm-hmm , we played with a ball at time . We played kickball all the time . I mean , I grew up in a neighborhood of boys .

I had two brothers and I and all boys , so I would always be out playing with them , playing baseball , kickball , things like that . But when it and I , I was fine , I did well , right , I hit home runs . I could run the bases . Was I the best ? No , but that wasn't what I was about . I was having fun right , you're having fun .

But like I remember being in gym class and like when it came my turn to be up at bat , I was so nervous that I had that freeze response and like I didn't , and then I would just miss the ball and miss the ball , and then that caused me to feel more and more shame , more and more , like I was just Unworthy , and then like the bullying that comes with

that , or like the ways that people respond to that being picked last , all of those things . Yes , yeah . And and who were the kids who were picked last ? Right , they were the kids who were either in In the larger bodies or the ones who were like super , super , like weak and small . Right , that's who got picked last .

So I mean , from a young age we have already been conditioned .

Even it was I don't know how many years ago , maybe like six or seven years ago , my husband and I were trying to figure out , like , what to do on Friday night and we like got a basketball and we found a basketball hoop and we just started playing basketball and we did it like every Friday night for for months and months and people started joining and it

was just so much fun . What a wonderful way to move your body and being community and do things that we , we really enjoyed it . I played basketball in high school and my husband didn't , but he thinks that he's good at basketball he actually is but it was just that , so much fun and something that we look forward to . That didn't have to be this rigid .

We have to go to the gym and do this thing and you know all of the routines that that we can get stuck in . It was just , it was joyful . It was joyful . That's so important .

Growing up with a father like my father who , like literally my father , was the guy who he was on the senior Varsity team for basketball and he would be there before the junior varsity practiced and he'd be shooting foul shots shooting foul shots doing it drills , like he was up at some ungodly hour every morning at the local community center doing it .

I mean he was just like push , push , push , push , push and it was all about being the best right and so to grow up with that was tough right . Yeah , I mean dad didn't do things halfway .

If it was raining out when dad was running , he would run circles in our basement To get in his daily run , so like in a way , and and we could do a whole nother episode on loss of ability and how that impacts us , because my father over time he's going to be 70 , is not able , because of various injuries and stuff , to do what he used to do .

But yeah , like to realize that like I don't have to be good to play , like I don't have to be good to enjoy this , I can just come into it and have fun and goofy and all that stuff . Like it's okay to be the kid in left field twirling around with the glove on your head right , like picking flowers and whatever .

That I think even more so can connect the emotions with the body , and things like that it can be a really wonderful creative outlet for people .

But so often when we look at dance , for instance , like especially you know , if I think about ballet , ballet is so restrictive , right , like you have to do this , this and this , and people often lose the fun in that thing that they used to enjoy doing , or the thing that as a kid it was great to dance around and twirl .

But once I get into classes , now , all of a sudden , if I'm not the best , if I'm not good enough , there's a consequence .

I remember my earliest memory of recognizing that my body was different than others and that was not a good thing was in dance class , changing with all the other girls and I mean six or seven years of age at the most , right , and just like , why do I have a belly ? And they're all , they all don't . And you know why do I have to wear the bigger size ?

You know why am I so much taller than them ? Well , you know , my mother was six foot tall . You know I was going to be taller . My dad comes from big stock too .

So , like it's tough , it's the things that we hope to instill a sense of love for , for our children , for ourselves , often become the very things that lead us down these roads of disorder , eating , of challenging relationships with selves .

I mean , how many of my clients have had to quit athletics dance , because it was more detrimental for them to stay in and it was for them to leave ?

Something that you said earlier that kind of struck me and and made me start thinking about other ways of moving that people don't even consider as movement is getting into your body and stretching , right . Just getting into your body and seeing what's there as you just move , naturally , right .

These are entry points into understanding what's there and how to take care of what's there and what your body is actually craving , because sometimes our minds lots of times , I think our minds are running with the shoulds you should be walking , you should be doing this or should be doing that , and maybe your body just needs rest , yeah , so so this process of

dropping in and just being with what is and stretching and seeing how that feels and seeing where the tension is , that can be enough .

There is this disconnect from body when our bodies are not a safe place for us to live for , whatever the reason is , and when we start to reconnect with our body . Gentleness is the name of the game , right , just being gentle . Okay , let's just like .

Let's just notice what's coming up , right , and helping folks to , sort of like , step into their bodies and listen in a way that feels safe in session or like through different exercises , but doesn't force them to stay there if it grows uncomfortable .

Right , right , like we have to work up to a sense of tolerance when we've been out of our bodies for so long or when our bodies feel that unsafe . Yeah , I think that the body is so full of wisdom and my relationship with my body started to heal , speaking of play , when I got involved with this movement that's called Interplay and it was .

It's basically this movement that's out there . They have a website online where they have like in-person and virtual sessions , but I remember my Interplay instructor .

She talked about it being sneaky deep where , like you're just playing , you're just hopping around , you're sort of like letting your inhibitions go in a safe environment with others and just like letting yourself express to the music , whatever's playing .

And then over time it becomes also about listening to other stories and expressing to them what you've heard and them doing the same back , so that movement has so much more impact . You know , movement can be such a wonderful way that we communicate with each other .

Body language we talk about is always that like other thing that we need to be looking for in therapy and other things .

But Interplay was just like oh , I'm just here , I'm playing with people who I feel safe with , and this is so much fun and I can be goofy and funny , and when I was doing that I was in my late 30s , right , and I was with women who were in their 70s and 80s doing that and women who were younger than I was .

But as the more that I played and the more that I sat in those safe spaces , the more that I was like , you know , what my body is worth listening to is worth listening to , giving what it needs to it , whether it's rest or food and nourishment , you know , or movement .

So that's been an important part of my journey , for sure , you know , but I think that the way back to movement , or the way to movement , if movement has not been a part of your experience .

It's not an easy road and I always encourage people to be kind to themselves , give themselves a lot of grace , a lot of space , and to also get the support that they need around it as they start to explore this . Whether in session , I sometimes will stand up with clients , let's just do some movement together , right ?

My clients all the time oh I should be walking , oh I should be doing this . Okay , let's stop shooting all over ourselves .

And what if I don't ? Then I'm a failing race . So , okay , what would it be on a commercial to just get up and walk around or just put your arms over your head and stretch them , just gentle , start small . And if on the commercial , you take a moment to sort of listen to your body and your body just needs to rest , that's okay too .

People fight me on that . They're like well , then I'll never get started and I need the . You know , we need the rigidity .

But in my own experience as a therapist and as a as an individual , it has been the path toward a much more healthy , grounded , joyful relationship with myself , with my body , with food , with movement . So we don't need to punish ourselves .

Whatever I was engaged in at that time , which was a whole wide range of things over time but the moment that stands out to me when you said that is when my dietitian .

It was the moment where I was like you know , I think I'm going to drop into a dance class and just like because I miss dancing , but I feel certainly about that and like , but I know someone who teaches dance , who is at a place where it's much more representative of the full scope of diversity and bodies and much more accepting and safe for folks .

So I thought maybe that's the place to start and I was like , yeah , I was like so maybe I'll try it . And then like they have these packages and like I could sign up for the package and it's not that expensive . And my dietitian is like halt , stop , hang on .

Just because you go to one dance class doesn't mean , now you have to sign up to go there all the time . And I was like but this is how it works we find the thing that we like and then we just do it . We just keep doing it , we just keep doing it . Yeah Well , how does that work ? Yeah , I just keep doing it .

I just keep doing it until I hate it .

Where are these impulses to do more or to engage in things in a certain way , like , where is that impulse coming from ? Is it coming from a place of connection and actual desire to , you know , push a little harder ? Or is this coming from old patterns , old parts of myself that are getting a little like fidgety and itchy and want to be heard a little bit ?

It might have even been longer than that , but I had a lot of knowledge , I had made a lot of wonderful progress with food and body image and things like that but I went right back to the habit . I went right back to the belief that , oh wait , I have to do this all the time . Now , yeah , even just you know to have .

I want to say this I think it's important to say this for those for whom your body is not safe because you have chronic pain , some sort of illness that our bodies show up for us in these amazing ways each and every day .

And what would it be for us to , you know , to practice gratitude for how our bodies have showed up for us on a given day , wherever we're at ? However , it is Like my mother was ill . She struggled for years with a progressive debilitating illness . She was in bed the last six years of her life primarily , and could not .

I mean , that's such a loss of ability and such a grief or so much that goes along with that .

But one of the things she was able to do is sort of connect with her spirituality and like this idea of being an embodied soul and having gratitude for the body and what it had given her in life , like three children and the various other things , and in a way it , you know it did help , right . It still it doesn't take away the pain of loss .

It doesn't take away the pain of the illness or the condition . But I think those of us for whom that's not an issue , we often don't have that sort of dichotomy or that way to like . We don't have that way to be like oh wow , what would it be if I didn't have the stability until it's taken from us .

So what we see in our , in what we do , is the process of recovery will say no , you can't do this anymore for your health , and people freak out and it's really difficult and there's grief and we work with that .

But you know , for me , for instance , I had a knee injury recently and I was like freaking out because I was like , oh my gosh , like it took me forever to walk up a flight of stairs because of this injury and I was like I don't even know how I did this .

Like I just rolled my ankle and I was walking my dog , like , and it laid me up and I was in physical therapy for like two and a half months and yet and it really became this sort of trigger for me , like and I had to work extensively with my therapist and dietician , like to not get into old ways and habits because I was having to do physical therapy ,

but through it I came to this greater appreciation to see how my body was able to go from a knee that I could barely walk on to one now that is stronger than it ever was . But I did so in an environment where my physical therapist was completely amazing , like it was a .

It was an environment of no type of weight semenization , no type of you know , physical therapy is often a lot of folks who are older and they're in bodies that are already compromised , and so it was just a much more safe place to start that recovery than going to a gym by myself .

Eventually I , eventually I went to the gym , but I will tell you like I started to go back to the gym several times in this journey of recovery and I had to stop because I would . I would go in and I would feel myself getting sucked right back in to that mentality .

And some people I know just don't go back to the gym because it's it has so much of that like people places thing .

And I was like , whoa , like I have ability , I'm strong , Like look at me and really appreciate my body and what it could do for me , and it sort of like switched to , switched on a part of me that I knew was there and that I was working on , but like hadn't fully developed . And it was this idea of I can move my body because it feels really good .

Yeah , I can focus on joyful movement that helps me to strengthen my body , that helps me to have more stamina , and I can do all of that without any focus on weight . Yep , and I can set my own . Like you're not in competition with anyone . You don't need to be in competition with anyone , it's not necessary . Like I want to be strong .

For me , I might engage in something different than my husband , who's been working out for years , or you know other people who are , like you know elite athletes , you know their development of strength is going to be quite different from mine . But that's okay , I don't need to be that , Right , I don't want to be that Right .

Yeah , so you know , and that's that's sort of like , if we talk about nuance , that's like , as we go along , that this is gosh four or five years down the road .

You know , how is this feeling in me , what is it activating in me , and having the support to really differentiate and understand what you're needing .

That's something I know of some dieticians also work with people on , but that there are ways , there are safe places and spaces that we can discover .

And in this world of social media , like with Instagram and TikTok , there's some really amazing people out there who are just putting their content out there for free , like , yeah , you can do yoga regardless of the size of your body . Rightly available , you can do it in the comfort of your own home , without anyone else there .

If that's how you need to start , that's how often many of us need to start right . Absolutely no judgment , no judgment , no comparison . Yeah , and I'm not , I'm not obliged now to like do a 30 day yoga thing and I show up every day or else I lose my money's worth . Right , just try it , try different things .

Like , think about it as like I'm just going to sample , try things on . You know , if something doesn't go right but you want to go back to it , fine , if you don't go back to it , okay , maybe in a few years you do , maybe you never do . Yep , focus on the joy of it while you're doing it .

Focus , you know to , to really experience yourself doing the exercise , versus being in your head about , oh my gosh , I have to do 30 more minutes , I have to burn this many more calories , you know ? Oh my gosh , I have to get back to work .

Like I don't have time to do my full workout today , like that's the stuff that is often in our absolutely yeah , and start Get to know it .

A lot of folks I work with love nature and being out in nature . I could hike all the day long . I love being in nature , I love taking my dog out , and my husband and I often will take him to various places and experience them , and I can do that forever . And I'm not looking at the clock .

I don't wear an Apple watch anymore , like I got rid of that because that was just evil .

And I'm like my goodness , like , let's look at all of the people out there and all of the various bodies Like , even if you look at Olympic competition right Now , these are yeah , they're like high in athletes , but people who are doing some of those exercises are not what we would call a typical like toned athletic , elite athlete , body , right , they're in all

various places of body , the cultural narrative . Yeah , absolutely . You can be strong and still carry weight . You can have an amazing stamina and not be a size whatever , and just as much you know and this comes back to the medical model that we're in you know someone who's super thin and might look and appear to be really healthy .

Sometimes they're not sometimes there you know , you climb the mountain with them , you're outpacing them left and right or you do the blood work , and your blood work is much healthier than theirs .

So , you know , again , coming back to that idea , that looks themselves , or how our bodies are formed themselves , is not the beyond end , all of what we can do with them and how we can celebrate our bodies .

Even if you have to do it lying down , do it as you're able and with what's comfortable .

So it's just meant to be sort of an introduction into some different positions and connecting , like sitting in a particular position with them , listening to what are the emotions , what are , like , what's coming up in me around this position , to start that connection of body , mind , emotions , all of that . That stuff really made to be gentle for folks .

I start out slow , I teach you all the things and then eventually we put it all together and I say to folks in the video listen , if you can do this all at once and you want to do it , great . But if it's too confusing , don't . It's okay , you can just do one of the movements and that's enough .

Yeah , but yeah , we kind of , you know , rounding ourselves , being open to things . Where am I stuck in things ? Where do I need to surrender ? Where do I need to receive more ? So my hope is that it will be helpful for folks . So I encourage you to try it out and I hope to add other exercises . And this is movement , right ?

Yeah , you know it's not meant to be something where you're going to burn a million calories doing it . It's meant to be something where you can begin to appreciate that your body has all these wonderful abilities and all of this amazing wisdom within , and so let's have gratitude for that and start to listen to that .

But yeah , that'll be live next week , probably around around ish , the same time as this episode . So keep an eye out . Go play , go play . I love it , I love it . Thank you , laura .

If you're looking to start therapy for trauma , disordered eating or body image concerns , head over to our website at wwwreclaimtherapyorg to learn more about us and our work . We'll be back next week with another episode . Until then , take good care of yourself .