Coping With Weight Gain

Hey everybody , welcome back to another episode of Reclaim you . Today , laura and I are talking about a topic that pretty much mostly everyone we talk to could benefit from , I think , and that's how to cope with weight gain . So , hey , laura , how you doing ? Hi , I'm good .

Good to be here , yeah , so I was kind of looking at the back end of our website and I noticed that one of the blogs on the website that gets probably the most traffic is how to cope with weight gain , and it's quite a journey to cope with weight gain .

So I thought it would be just an important conversation to have , because those of us who are in recovery have to , for the most part , figure out a way to be with their bodies as our bodies change .

That's not recovery work , that's going back to old ways , that's giving into the diet culture , into the eating disorder symptoms and thoughts and feelings , and it's really . It's a process . I mean I don't , I think it's a continuing process . It's a daily process of saying , okay , like weight gain or my body changing .

You know , if that feels a little easier to accept at first , that as I heal , no doubt my body will change , because for years I have been in a relationship with my body where it's been completely neglected in a lot of ways , where it's been my enemy and I've wanted to do it harm , and so we don't .

We don't just one day decide , okay , I'm healed , right , yeah , like I mean those of us who are in recovery for a long time still , because we , you can't go out the door of your house . I mean you go out the door of your house , you step in the diet culture , you go on your phone , you step in the diet culture .

You turn on the TV , you step in the diet , you open a magazine like there's nowhere that is completely , I think , safe of diet culture . Besides , maybe , a really good support group , a really good therapist and dietitian .

We encounter these things each and every day and I think the part of the healing process is just creating a nice , creating an inner dialogue , sort of like a reminder to ourselves that this is part of this process .

And coming to a place of and this is okay , I can , it can still suck , right , it totally sucks , yeah , and I think it's a both and you know this totally sucks and it's okay because this is in service to my healing , which is most important .

And it's still really hard because of the culture that we live in , because of beliefs that we've been conditioned to hold on to that weight gain is bad , that fat is bad , all of these things , and you know there can be freedom around food and living your life on your own terms .

I think in working with others and certainly I could say my own lived experience has been that eventually , that part of us that continues to scream my body is own or I'm only good if I lose weight , I'm only good if my body is smaller , I'm only good if I'm thin Eventually , that part , you know , we do a lot of healing with that part and it's not that we

pushed it away and ousted it , it's that we come into relationship with it and honor that it's there . But there's this larger part of us that we develop in recovery that is able to respond with compassion to that part of us and to show up and to say , hey , I get it . However , this feels really good to not have to worry about food all the time .

It feels really good to not put my life on hold . It feels really good to wear clothes that fit me and not give a shit what's on the tag of them in terms of size , right To not have to squeeze myself into a pair of jeans because it says a certain number .

And it feels really good to have space for me and for relationship and for joy that used to be taken up by this weight , focused , thin focused part of me that never felt satisfied , no matter how much weight I lost I mean . That part's never going to be satisfied .

And at that point , looking back three years prior to that and saying , oh my gosh , I wish I had that body then . It's never enough , right , the weight loss is never enough . The body is never enough , which points us to a larger piece of the work of if it's not about the body , what could it possibly be about ? Right ?

In order , it's a way that we cope , it's a way that we survive . And , you know , in our practice , we really work at the intersection of eating disorders and trauma . It's not just bodily trauma , right , like it can be trauma on so many different levels , in so many different ways .

And eating is the one thing that I can control , exercise is the one thing I can control . And so , before I know it and without really even thinking about it much , you know , I don't think any of us makes the conscious decision to I'm going to have an eating disorder , like I decided , that's what I want for my life .

But over time , and with the encouragement , if you will , of diet culture , we find ourselves in the throes of starving ourselves , binging , purging , over-exercising , and you know all the symptoms that we talk about when it comes to this . Yeah , yeah , and sometimes I think and eating ourselves the whole time .

They disconnect us and this kind of invitation to feel more , whether that's feel more of your body or feel more of your emotions , can just feel so destabilizing that it's like I can't do this . And with the belief of gaining weight , as bad , fat , as fat , all of these things , it can be like I'm out , Like I can't do this .

I have to go back to not feeling , you know .

Some , you know , someone dies , some trauma happens , there's major stress in ones like whatever it is you know can lead us back to those symptoms because they're familiar and we're so habitually , you know , we're habitually using them for so long that to slip back into them is a lot easier than we'd like to admit .

Yeah , yeah , I think over time there's a lot more space , there's a larger zone of tolerance and of insight and space and just awareness that we have to say , ooh , I'm feeling this , like this is coming up in me , but that's a long haul of recovery . Right Like that's .

You know , I worked in substance abuse counseling for years and you know this idea that recovery is not just a once and done thing . Recovery is a choice each and every day and I think it's here too .

We wanna help people with that and we're here because we all have worked on that in our own ways .

The first step in this is even just like accepting that you don't want to gain weight . Right , like , instead of warring against yourself like I suck because I can't accept this , or what's wrong with me , why can't I ? To accept , man , I really don't wanna accept that I'm gonna gain weight .

That feels really hard , that feels really uncomfortable and like sitting in some of the discomfort of that which , again like sitting in the discomfort , is uncomfortable and it's hard . And it doesn't mean anything about you , right , if there's no moral judgment against it . It's just that we live in an obsessed world and obsessed world with fitness .

Like you said , there's diet culture everywhere we turn . A lot of times , family of origins weren't safe spaces for bodies to exist in , so it makes sense why you wouldn't want to .

You know , I remember my own journey of recovery and just as a therapist and working with others in recovery whether it be substance abuse , eating disorders , what have you , you know , when people enter into the process , often the question is , well , how long is this going to take , right ? Like how many sessions ? Yeah , like especially how many sessions ?

Or like , especially if they're going into a higher level of care , like , well , how long do I have to be here ? Like and I get that , I've been there myself but this is not a process that we jump into and things happen quickly . This is an unraveling a lot of years of stuff that's been like .

You know that we've been wrapped up in and trying to make sense of it , and the first step is just being able to be in our bodies a little , and we might not be able to tolerate that for very long , but in the room when we're sitting with our therapist , we can start to create as therapists .

We can start to create that safe space for people to begin to drop into their bodies and just sort of okay , like I'm safe right now , and then , okay , when you're ready , let's move on out of it . And we have to build up that tolerance , yeah , and then the other work as well we do . It's a build-in .

much of that still kind of like remains inside and to do that with lots of grace and compassion for yourself , because , again , the culture that we live in just promotes it . To put some words to it of oh right , this is what this is .

This is some internalized phobia of , you know , being in a larger body , of being fat , of gaining fat , of being seen as fat , because that would mean X , y and Z to me .

You know we do a lot of parts work too , but like if you , you imagine this as a part of you that has been present to try and protect you , but in like this sort of you know this very dysfunctional way and how do we have compassion and like appreciation for the fact that this part was there for us at times when we were struggling , at times when we

didn't know any other way ? Maybe that's an easier way to begin to sit with that part and honor that it's there and then eventually being able to call it what it is right and see how it is no longer needing to act in a way that it once did .

You know , like you can have a break now and I get every once in a while you're gonna come and that's gonna be a little sign that I need to come back to my center and like find my way . But yeah , internalized fat phobia is so common and I think , too , it goes hand in hand .

You know , the one thing I thought about was , so often we're also working with like issues of perfectionism , right , and so that for me , even to admit that I have this internalized fear of fat , that's not okay , right , especially if I'm in recovery and I wanna be a good you know , a good client .

I'm not gonna bring that up when my therapist I'm gonna talk about that , like bring it up , talk about it needs to be talked about , because if not , it's lurking in the background and until we call that out and until we begin to sit with it and work with it , it's going to continue to get in the way .

It ties into worthiness and loveability and , you know , worthy of being with people in connection . So it can get so deep . But to acknowledge and to accept like , yeah , I do have these beliefs about what it would mean I do have these beliefs even about other people .

Sometimes , you know , In a safe space it can just there can be some like exhale around it of you didn't create this at all , this was planted . Yeah .

But I mean , that's like getting at a different level of this that maybe we don't need to . Yeah , let's just own it , call it out and let's sit with that and get comfortable with that and we'll make space for other healing and healed parts of us to have more of a presence .

But so often people are like I just want this to go away , I just don't , I want it to not exist . Well , I mean , of course , that's why we've been numbing out all these years . Right Now we're not going to be doing that and it's hard .

I mean , to stop using symptoms is really hard , especially because now we're looking at stuff that is really difficult and I don't have the tools that I knew how to use all these years . So we have to create new ones . And I always say to my clients listen , like if we have a especially challenging session around .

You know , a topic that is really just triggering in a lot of ways . That's really causing a lot of upheaval internally . You know I always say to them listen , I don't want you to be surprised if you had the urge to use symptoms between now and next session and I want you to know that that's okay and we talk about why that is .

And you know this is where you can practice your tools , use some other interventions and , at the end of the day , if you use symptoms , okay , what I want you to do is I want you to be honest about that with yourself and with me , because then we have something to work with .

If you're not honest about that , you know that's going to always be taking away from this work you're trying to do here in session .

Will you think of me , knowing that I'm not like doing this the way I quote , unquote , should , or whatever that looks like for people . The shame again can be see stabilizing .

Right and , like you know , in recovery programs , in in one of the activities that's often a part of that is is some activity where we get rid of the scale right Like . Sometimes we're smashing the scale in some programs , sometimes we're repurposing it in some way .

But even if you're not stepping on that scale and it's still in your space , even if it's pushed under something where you can't see it every day , it's still lurking too . You know , I feel like there are times when my scale is like hello right , if I , when I had it , I exist , I exist I exist . I just know how to get rid of it .

When I was first in recovery and I was like , oh , and even now I'll be honest , I probably said this in a different podcast too Like you know , I go to a local gym and there's a scale in the women's room and there are days when it's like , hi , hi there , don't you want to come in ? Have , you know , sit down for a while .

And I , and , and how I look at it now in my healing space is okay , this is another opportunity for me to strengthen this muscle that I don't need that , because that does not determine my worth , my value , and like , frankly , if I stepped on that and saw a number that I wasn't comfortable with , it could potentially derail all this work that I've done .

So I think that , yeah , getting rid of the scale is part and parcel of you know what we engage in and that's a process . Some folks will just bring it to us and give it to us and we'll hold on to it to them . Sometimes they want to take it back . You know , sometimes they give it to us , then they go out and buy a new one .

And I say , folks , be honest when you step on the scale . Let's talk about that , like , and let's think about what was coming up in you , you know . Let's talk about , like , what led up to you stepping on a scale . What was , what was the thing that was ? What were the thoughts coming up , the emotions coming up , what were you feeling in your body ?

Right , because , like , once we get to understand the full scope of , of the ways that our bodies , our minds , our , our emotional centers , if you will , how they are showing up and have so much to tell us about how we're feeling and we've been so cut off from them , you know .

So , admitting to using symptoms , admitting to things that maybe you don't want to admit to , helps us , then , to be able to do the work around , okay , so let's look at the signs that came up that maybe we missed , and what can we do to give you support around them in the

future .

different cases , which we totally understand . And when you can find clothes whether it's just like sweatshirts and leggings for a while so that you can get used to what it feels like to actually feel comfortable in clothing , it can be really game changing .

? Right , yeah , yeah . But yeah , and you're right , it is an issue of privilege and I think this is this is a tricky area , right , because , like , on the one hand you know , most of us don't have this unlimited budget to go out and buy new clothes every time our body changes .

On the other hand , if we're just providing ourselves with clothing that maybe we wouldn't buy otherwise , what does that say , right ?

So I think , like it's finding that balance , and I talk to my clients too about , like you know , if you , if , if brand new clothes are not in your budget , can we look at things like a local park or a local consignment stores where you can buy some good quality stuff that feels good on your body and in your you're treating yourself to that and honoring that

. Your body deserves to wear nice clothes , regardless of the size . Right , yeah and thank God , now there's a lot more availability of a variety of clothing for people in all different sizes . But you know , there's still is the issue of accessibility when it comes to some of these extended size collections are expensive .

But when you get there thinking oh crap , every time I go up a size I have to buy a whole new wardrobe , Right it can that in and of itself can make you freeze and say like I can't do that , I can't afford that , and it's like just can we go one step at a time , Maybe ?

So you know like I'm going to spill something on it even if it fits into your life right Like this .

Like you said , leggings , like some tunics or sweatshirts where you can kind of like move around in a few sizes and they're still going to work for you , and then you can add to it and , like you know , buy a couple of things that in that size that you feel comfortable in , that are affordable and , and you know , bring them into it .

So it's something as simple as like black pants , you know , or leggings , you know , if you want to have a nice pair of like dress pants that are pull on , like now they have yoga pants that look like dress pants , like just wear stretchy stuff .

I mean , hell , the pandemic , if it taught us nothing , you know , and if we remember what it taught us , which is more of the issue you know , it's that like I don't want to work feeling all uncomfortable .

Yeah , be comfortable in your body and for that reason , you know , buy clothes that are going to be comfortable , and I'm thinking too of just like doing things anyway .

It's hard , I get it and being able to acknowledge , like I want to just hide away and not do anything , and I'm going to do the things anyway . I'm going to move my body in ways that feel joyful and connecting , even if I don't feel comfortable moving my body the way that it is right . Or I'm going to you know date . I'm going to go on dates .

I'm going to put myself out there and I'm terrified that I'm going to be rejected and I'm going to do it anyway like not putting life on hold until a certain number . in each season , your body is going to be different , and if you can start proving to yourself that like it's okay in the here and now , that's really powerful .

This , every time we practice going out there and just claiming our lives for ourselves , regardless of where we're at , is an opportunity to reframe and rewrite that narrative . Yeah , and you do that enough times . And then the narrative comes .

You know , it's just like it's , it's written in you much more than ever , and first it feels foreign , it feels , you know , strange , it feels like you're speaking a language with which you're unfamiliar .

But , yeah , and we have to create safety around those exposures as well , right , and that's where , you know , work with a therapist , dietician , support groups can really help with those exposures , because it's going to take some time before , you know , let's not expect that you're going to walk out the door to go to this thing that you haven't gone to for years

and be okay with it in all ways , shapes , forms . It's going to suck , it's going to be hard , but the more we do it , the more we want to do it , the easier it becomes . Yeah .

Yes , it feels just like so important to to like remember that , to hold that because that's what's real right is coming back to why people are in my life , why people are connected to me , how they make me feel , how I make them feel right , what's in that is what's real , and that like critical voice in the back of your head saying no one will ever accept

me , no one will ever love me . This is bad , this is gross , whatever it is , can you hold both of like hey , little critical voice , check this out ? I just went out to lunch with Laura and we laughed and we talked for hours and it just felt so good Like , look at what's possible .

I probably said this on a different podcast , but like I remember my best friend , like once I got into recovery and like I was really into this work and like kind of woke up to , oh my gosh , my whole life I've been living in this nightmare , right without even knowing it . And she was like I never got people .

I never got people who talked about this stuff like extensively , like would want to talk about their food choices over lunch and like what diet they were on and what this and that and how they're cut . And she was like there are so many more interesting things about us women , especially . You know how many tables have we sat at , and I think that's .

And I know I think you and Abby talked about boundaries in a different podcast , which I certainly recommend to listen to that .

But it is also about , you know , finding a way to advocate for yourself , whether it's I'm going to step out of some situations where I know that people are going to be bringing that up , not because I'm depriving myself of it , because I don't feel strong enough right now .

You know , I feel , or I feel like I need a more supportive environment to make that to myself , but also then finding ways as well to find your voice and to be able to say listen , like this is not okay . Can we please not talk about this and move on to something else ?

Yeah , and I think Abby did a really good job of talking more about that , but that's hard too .

There's so much grief in losing a body that you felt held so much value and so much , you know , meaning to you to lose that and to lose , you know , like , the shitty comments that are actually really shitty about , like how good you look or what are you doing when really you're struggling with an eating disorder .

Right , there's so much wound up in that loss and the loss of looking at the culture and saying like , oh shit , this isn't changing anytime soon , like we're trying , but there's a lot of grief in looking at like , yeah , this resilience that you're developing internally , it's important and it really sucks that you have to develop it all at the same time and it's

okay to feel angry about that .

I think that at the end of the day , we can look at it as you know , we can get stuck in the anger and be like you know , this world fricking sucks because I have to do this , and like screw everyone and bup-up-up-up-buns Some of us are . I mean , the trope of the fat angry woman often comes up when I'm working with clients , and so they .

No one ever wants to in any way give anyone any ammunition around that , if you will like , any evidence that they fit that criteria , and so we don't talk about those , those parts of us that are angry or frustrated , and I think that we , at least in the safety of the therapeutic environment , need to address those things too .

All of the things are in place . We really need to be angry about .

But is there also a way sometimes to harness that anger in such a way to say you know what , I can take this energy and I can transform it into energy that is empowering , energy , that allows me to step back into my life and reclaim my life and to say you know what I don't need ?

I don't need to carry this anger anymore in that way , because that takes away from our lives too . But I still need to have the time to sit with it . And , yeah , I could sit here for the rest of my life and be like you know , this world fucking sucks . I'm brah-brah-brah-brah , why do I have to do this ? And like , yeah , but who's that hurting ?

I mean , it's hurting me , it's not helping anything . So , yeah , to be able to say you know what ?

I'm gonna just honor and accept that that's how this world is , that I will do what I can in my own ways , with my gifts , to change it as I'm able , whether it's my little , small corner of the world on a larger level , and I'm not going to let that dictate to me how I live my life each and every day .

I'm not gonna let it continue to steal life from .

It's terrifying , it's frustrating , but it's possible to be able to be able to live through that and to , in that process , find something much more meaningful a deeper value , a deeper belief in oneself , a deeper joy , and , you know , still , you could be living in your largest body ever and still live a life that's completely different than it was when you were

in your eating disorder , and all of that factors so much more into the quality of your life than the size of your body . And yeah , we're gonna encounter it .

There's gonna be seats that we can't fit in , or there's gonna be spaces that are too small , or there's gonna be people who are assholes and make comments , because people are assholes and make comments right .

Over time , we develop a flexibility within ourselves and a tolerance within ourselves and a strength within ourselves to be able to encounter that without letting it take from us that which we've worked so hard to build through recovery .

We're happy to engage in these discussions . If there's other topics that are on your mind as well , know that there are people here and elsewhere that get it and understand it and want to sit with you as you discern how it is . You want to enter into this process of healing when you're ready .

Right , there's such diversity in the bodies , and I think that it's so beautiful because the I guess the traditional expectation of eating disorder providers , of what you see on the internet , are thin white women , and while , yes , we all are white women , our bodies are all quite diverse , which I think is so cool , so our team gets it in different ways , each

individually , which I feel like is just really special .

But let me put it this way I had to work a sense of my therapist , my dietician , to come to a point where I could go and like , yeah , I am a fat provider and my body is still changing , because I'm still in recovery and , quite frankly , because that's what bodies do they change to adapt .

They change to situations , right , but the fact that someone can walk into a space and sit with someone who more accurately represents the body that they're in , whatever that body is , I think means a lot to a lot of people .

And some people are scared to say that , like , so they'll in the intake event , like they might not admit that , or like , if I have folks going into groups , they'll be . Like , is everyone just gonna be ? Like a skinny person who's talking about not eating ? Because that's not my issue , right ? And I think it's important that we're honest about that stuff too .

Like , listen , it would be really helpful for me to work with someone who looks more like me . Yeah , yeah , if that's possible , right , and that's not in any way to say that someone who doesn't look like you couldn't help you .

They would be amazing and phenomenal , but if that creates the safety and the security you need , okay , let's make sure that we take that no account .

It's about some really deep seated wounds within us that need a lot of time and a lot of care and the right , safe place to be able to begin to heal .

And , yeah , we can keep chatting about this , but we'll be back next week with another episode and until then , take good care of yourself . Thank you so much for joining us on this episode of Reclaim you . Be sure to like , comment and subscribe , and check us out on YouTube at Reclaim you .

If you're looking to start therapy for trauma , disordered eating or body image concerns , head over to our website at wwwreclaimtherapyorg to learn more about us and our work . We'll be back next week with another episode . Until then , take good care of yourself Later .