Hello, beautiful humans and welcome to the mental Wellness. Wake up, show a weekly podcast where growth minded creative people, come to learn, best practices from both spirituality and psychology that create lasting well-being. I am your host mental Wellness, expert improvised acting teacher therapist and Coach, Don McMillan. Let's get to it. It. All right, you beautiful humans. You thank you for being here right now. I really appreciate it.
I appreciate you so much. I appreciate you so much. Because these moments that we share are so meaningful to me in any number of ways. One, I feel honored that you trust me enough to listen to some of the ideas that I share in the accountability that I have. You reminds me to practice my principles to lean into what is true and what is helpful and to call myself up when I start to slip into Old patterns or unhelpful patterns. So you are a gift to me and I thank you.
I thank you for that. So there's been a lot coming up for me and my world. Both Professor professorson, Ali-A, speaks oneth profession. Optionally and personally it's been a lot of return to Basics lately and I think that's just the nature of any Endeavor, no matter how advanced you are, you got to do the basics. No matter how many years you're dancing, you still have to stretch out. No matter how many years you've been playing your instrument, sometimes you have to do your scales.
So I am allowing it to be okay that we're at Basics because that's just how Live shows up. So what Basics are we talking about today? The three choices that you have in life, the three choices that you have in life, the three choices that you have in life. All right, so if you're like me, I like it. When people tell me, there's a
limited number of choices. So there's Nuance within what I am about to talk about within each of those three choices is a beautiful spectrum of options for how to approach it, but this has been coming up a lot. With with clients and with me as I'm, as I said, I have to hold myself accountable for practicing my principles. So what are these three choices in life, right? I'm cutting to the chase except change or suffer. Yeah, yeah.
Don we know we know we know no one likes that when it's being brought up to them and they're in pain. And I get that, I don't like it, I don't like it. When I'm in that space of I've tried everything and nothing works, or there's nothing I can do or this is terrible. This is terrible and there's nothing I can do that. Space is so deeply and profoundly painful that having some knucklehead come along and don't let you need to accept it.
You need to change it, anyways, you're going to keep suffering. No, no, that is not the space from which were coming. And ultimately, it does come down to those three paths, those powders are wide, there's any number of ways to choose one of those three paths. But ultimately for most situations that's what's available to you, except what is change, what is or continue to suffer I'd like to give you an
example. Before I get into my good friend here, Russ Harris. Who says it much more kindly and extensively than I just set it here. All right, I am 5 foot 5. And a quarter. I'm five foot five. I have a couple of options about being five foot five. I can hate being five foot five. I can believe that being five foot five is one of the worst things that can happen to a person and it is ruining my life. And in that state of, oh my God, my life sucks. Because I am 5 foot 5, it's
making everything terrible. And if only, I were five foot seven, my life would be so much better. But no, I am 5 foot 5, and it's terrible, and it sucks. And I hate my life, and I hate myself and nothing is worth doing because I am 5 foot 5. And in that space, I am suffering. I'm suffering about being five foot five. And then Along Comes a knucklehead saying, well you need to accept it or change it or you're going to keep suffering. Not helpful, but let's look at it.
Let's look at it. I hate being 5 foot 5. And I think there's it's ruining my life and there's nothing I can do about it. Not true, there's a surgery, I could get that. Would I think you can get up to 4 inches, the essentially break your legs and put this machine device thing on it that holds the Bonaparte until your body fills in the space with extra bone and muscles and things like that. I could go get that surgery, but wait, who has the money to go get that.
All right, well, I could pull off a heist. I could pull off a heist to go. Get all of that money. Well, I don't have time off work. Well, as long as I'm pulling off a heist and might, as well lose my job. Who's going to take care of my family? Well, you know, it's more important to me to not be five foot five than it is to take care of them so they'll be fine, right? So it's a ridiculous example, but the point is, it is not
actually true. That I can't do anything about being 5 foot 5. I can't. I can. And I bring that up to point out that many of the situations in which we have come to believe that there's nothing we can do there is there are things that we could choose to do. What might be more accurate to say. Is there are not things that we are willing to do about the situation. There's nothing I can do about the war in the Ukraine. Hmm, you could get yourself on a plane.
You know, stop at the guns and ammo store by an AK, and take yourself to the Ukraine and start fighting alongside the resistance. Is that a reasonable thing to do? No. Okay. I'm making the point and being ridiculous. I'm making the point. You got it. Sometimes we feel as if there's nothing. Can do, and that's not entirely accurate. There are choices that we could make, but for whatever reason, those choices don't seem real, they don't seem true or they don't seem desirable.
So, let's, let's shift into those things that we can't change other people. For example, the past, for example, I cannot change that. I was born in Kansas City, Missouri! Like that happened. It's done. Nothing I can do about it, so when we get into the realm of things that we cannot change, we start to look into the realm of the other two choices except or suffer. Many, many, many times we choose
suffering, be to suffering. There's a situation that I cannot change and I hate it. So I'm just going to be unhappy and miserable and struggle and suffer and suffer because it cannot change the situation, and I hate it. I'm going to assume at this juncture that you are willing to stop suffering. So that puts us into the third option, the big wide path of acceptance acceptance is tricky. We don't really have great language for it.
A lot of time when we feel like acceptance is about resignation endurance and tolerance. So I want to spend a little time with a friend of my with the help of my friend, Russ Harris here about what are some options in the acceptance camp. All right, so we have to back up a little bit and we need to talk about what makes a life worth living. What makes a life worth living? So, Let's talk about our values. Let's talk about are our values values, says, rest Harris.
And I agree, Professor provide a powerful antidote to our suffering. A way to give your life purpose and meaning Any activity, we do will be more meaningful and fulfilling. If it's motivated primarily by our values he goes on, we can go to work and Obey mode hooked by rules. Like I have to do this job to pay the bills and we can go to work and struggle mode. Trying to avoid difficult, thoughts and feelings. For example, working helps me escape feeling like a loser.
Alternatively, we can go to work, motivated by our values, living my values being supportive. And caring for my family. So values are a way of making life more meaningful and fulfilling. Anything that could otherwise be dull, tedious, or stressful can be impacted by choosing choosing to live, according to our values. Instead of living according to these rules that make us feel out of control and helpless. So again, borrowing from Russ values are not rules.
So rules are basically commands orders and laws imposed by your mind, if you Ever worked with me for more than five minutes, you will probably have heard from me about that should rules are shoulds must have to. So, that's when your brain is being a tyrant, you must obey these rules and if you don't something very bad will happen. So if you're feeling heavy burdened trapped, your brain has hooked you into a rule. It's hooked you into a rule. I have to do this thing.
Subtext that I don't want to do. Or I will create some awful situation. So rules contain words, like, have to must ought should write wrong. Always never do this. Don't do that. Can't, until I'm going to repeat, that can't until I can't be happy until I have a hundred thousand dollars in my bank account. I can't rest until I finish this entire list can't until--. Won't unless can't because there are so many rules there. So many rules are so many rules
that are Tyrant brain. Inflicts Upon Us, many of those roles in programmed and inflicted Upon Us by our upbringing by our society. By the social constructs that we have been born into and, And there are always many ways to act upon our values even in difficult situations, but rules in contrast, massively narrow our options. The more strictly, we obey them. The less choice we have. So rules can be helpful, rules can be helpful. Right. God's good to stop at stop
signs. That's a good rule, but our self-imposed rules can keep us stuck. Those are the things like I have to put other people. First, their needs are more important than mine. That's a rule that keeps us stuck. It takes away our choices. So, if I believe, I always have to put other people first, because their needs are more important than mine that in any given situation, I no longer have choices. I know how longer have options.
And when I feel like I don't have choices when I feel like I don't have options, I have now in the land of compulsions, I have to do this thing or we create this suffering and and anxiety. When we don't follow the compulsion, So, part of the problem with rules in addition to making us feel stuck and commanded and compulsive and like we don't have choice, is it kind of sucked the life out of
our values? Because instead of I'm choosing to do this because it's based on my values and experiencing that that flush of purpose and meaning and empowerment and vitality. Instead, we're following this Rule and we feel heaviness pressure obligation or shame guilt anxiety. Do you feel trapped? You feel like you have no choices. Hear me now. Believe me. Now, there is a rule. There's a rule that's operating
in your life. There's a rule operating in your life, and the threat of a rule is, if you don't obey this rule, no matter how much suffering in a creates for you, something worse will happen. So, you'll remember an episode from back, right? From way back, when it talked about, you know, five ways of stopping your mind from beating you up. So that's about unhooking from these rules. You go up, there you go.
Mind. I know you're trying to help me by giving me some guidance on how to live going to take a different approach and see how that works. Thanks. So what do values do instead? So values, are directions? Their guidelines, they are ways of prioritizing how to behave. So for example, in and I'm borrowing from Russ here, Let's see, where is it? When it comes to close relationships. We might have values such as being, loving and caring.
So that's not a rule, that's a value, it's a direction, it's a wave, orienting our life. So to continue rest, as example, when it comes to close relationships, who might have values such as being loving and caring. But if we have a parent who is continually hostile and abusive to us, we might cut off all contact with that person. Because our values around self-protection and self-respect take priority. And here's where it's important. Because a value is a guide and not a rule.
He says this ever values around being loving and caring, haven't disappeared. We still have the value of being loving and caring. They're just in a different part of our globe of values. Who's in that specific relationship. Can you hear my stomach growling? I'm sorry. So values are not rules and they sort of shift and they flow depending. So we're still holding to the value of loving and caring in the relationships that are safe.
So one exercise that's it can be helpful to do is to know what your values are. Know what your values are. Know what our values are. So what that means is when we are in a situation that doesn't work for us, you have the following three choices and this is stated slightly differently than I shared it before. Leave right chain. Leave the situation, leave the situation or two and this is except land stay and live by your values.
Stay and live by your values, do whatever you can to improve the situation. Make room for the pain, that goes with it and treat yourself kindly. So in my ridiculous example, about being five foot, five that situation, I can leave the situation and I can leave that situation by virtue of no longer being five foot five. I can go get a surgery or I'm no longer five foot five. That's the leave. That's the Change.
Stay and live by your values option, the except option acce PT, accept, option is do whatever I can, to improve the situation. So, if I truly believe that being five foot five is ruining my life. Maybe I put lifts in my shoes, so I'm taller and make room for the pain that goes with it. Yeah, sometimes because I'm five foot five. There's a kind of suffering that
happens. And what I do is I make space for the pain that goes with it and I treat myself, kindly someone discriminates against me because I'm 5 foot 5. I recognize that there is pain. I'll allow it. I interrogate what do I need in this moment? How can I nourish myself? And I treat myself kindly. That's the acceptance piece. Or option 3, I stay but I do nothing to make a difference. Or I should make choices that make it worse. All right, except change suffer.
For in thrust is language leave stay and live by your values. Or stay and do something nothing to make a difference or make it worse. So if you can't leave or won't leave, then you're down to those two options and he acknowledges, and I acknowledge that three comes naturally to all of us. In challenging situations, we easily get hooked by difficult thoughts and feelings and pulled into self-defeating patterns of
behavior. That keep us stuck, her make things worse, I'm five foot five, it, I hate it, I hate it, and they hate it and I hate it. That's a lot of our default. So what I'm inviting us to is to look at that other option for those situations that we truly cannot or will not change. Let's own it. Sometimes we are choosing not to change it often If we're honest. Because there's some value underneath it that's being served there, so if we can find that value, that's underneath it.
We sometimes can help alleviate our suffering. So if I'm in a difficult relationship with a difficult parent and I am, Choosing to leave that relationship. It's because my value of filial loyalty is very high, right?
Okay. So now, rather than continuing to hate being in that relationship, I can lean into that value of philia, loyalty, I can lean into, I owe my parents respect and gratitude, no matter how they behave, if that's the value, and when it hurts Allow recognized that it hurts open up space Within Myself for that pain. Give it room investigate. What can I do to nourish myself in that moment? Does that sound like something
you can do? and those moments when you cannot or will not change a situation, lean into the values that keep you in that situation. And when there is pain, make space for it. And treat yourself kindly, and remind yourself that you are living according to your values, lean into those values. I'm making this Choice. I'm here because there's something that I value that is important to me and I'm going to lean into it and thereby create more meaning Fulfilling fulfilling.
We're meaning and fulfillment in this choice. Even though, sometimes it's difficult. Alright, I hope this hope. This episode is clear. This is one of those Concepts that is is a little fraught, little difficult, a little painful, a lot of the time. So I'm hoping that by taking a little extra time with it, you're able to receive it and if it didn't quite land, try listening to it again before you're like, oh, there's nothing in it for me, please and thank you also, please.
And thank you. Has anyone told you lately? How unbelievably you are? Oh my gosh, when I think about how amazing you are, I kind of want to do a happy dance. I kind of want to just run around going we because you are so amazing. You're so beautiful and inside of you is so much greatness. When I want to applaud you for every day that you get up. And do your life. You are so fantastic, your whole you're perfect, you're complete.
You're doing the best you can sometime life life's at you and you're like, I got you life, okay, you knocked me down for a minute. I'm going to Keep On Truckin. And right now with you accept change or suffer, you're still worthy and deserving of a life. So spectacular it surprises. Even you. hear me now whether you accept change or suffer, you are still Where the undeserving of a life so spectacular that it surprises even you. Okay, until next time.