Shut The F*ck Up Kraig! Pt. 1

All right , we R2RO . Today we finally decided to bring in some special guests . Unfortunately , our first special guest is someone who does not have a face for radio . Right , I'm gonna give a little compliment you do not have a face for radio .

What does that mean ? I don't know . You almost had to go on a maze there to figure it out . Yeah , it was like the cheese was in the middle and you have to find .

Oh yeah , it could just say you're pretty , but he wants to be .

So apparently she needs to defend herself on her cooking skills and a couple of topics . So , um well , my wife's here Her name is Kristi , hey Kristi , hey Kristi hey your hair is lovely .

Thanks , I got it in today .

What color is that ?

We are transitioning from brunette .

I don't want to hear the word transitioning .

What Well , if you wouldn't have talked about it , you'd hear me . We're transitioning from the almond punch in the mouth . It's not called shut up Eric , it's called shut up Kraig .

What is called shut up , Kraig . The episode today's episode is gonna be called shut up . Kraig , did you come with some shit you ready to talk about ?

No , no , I just wanted to know . Everything just comes so natural .

Mm-hmm , she's just wanted to come on and say shut up , Kraig .

Oh .

What I want to know is the logic behind keeping it . That was stove on high , since we're gonna talk about the cooking and some burnt-ass mac and cheese .

I just want to know Did you ever eat the burnt-ass mac and cheese ? Then shut up , craig .

I don't know we're gonna fucking talk .

You see , guys , y'all isolate just that part and then add it to every episode probably gonna be a sound clip .

Yes , we can . I know somebody that can get some on it on a button . Okay so . And a t-shirt oh yeah , t-shirt . Hat cozy , all of it . So here's the story behind Craig thinks I can't cook . Well , I can't cook , I don't like to cook . Craig doesn't like to sit back and watch me cook .

You're a backseat cooker , I'm bruh . Oh wait , what wait ?

I'm teaching .

I hate back , I'm sorry .

Would you say Kraig ?

I'm teaching .

You know , I need you to back up a little bit . When Scott said you're a backseat cooker , what did you say ?

I said I am , that's , that's what you teach . No , it's not .

It's the passion , your fucking wife while she's trying to cook , because you say she doesn't fucking cook enough .

That's what it ?

is .

Guilt your bird in the cooking and then you tell her she's doing a shitty job at it .

I don't do the guilt trip . Oh , we've been together for 17 years . Let's get this shit straight . All right , I don't guilt trip her in a cooking . I've been cooking for us for 17 years , but I do mention that I do most of the cooking , if not all , and then so then every once in a while She'll want to throw some spaghetti down , or something like that .

fucking hijacking . That's what it is . That's what it is .

Hijacking .

Hijacking cooking .

From the backseat to hijacking .

I mean look my mom only cooked like three dishes . My dad cooked a bunch of stuff . My stepdad cooked a bunch of stuff . I think that's how we grew up too . Yep , my mom I mean , if you would ask her , she one she probably did that , cooked it real high . But the couple dishes she cooked that is my favorite of those things .

That's a camera , paris thing . My mom will cook a spaghetti . I'm talking about Magna Light .

Yep , when we're growing up . Every time there was no one . It was five times around me . She didn't know how to do less .

Yeah , shit , they had no plan to do any less , like there was a it's a camera Paris spaghetti recipe that they can only cook big , and I would eat spaghetti for a week or two straight and it is what it is , you know , but to this day I mean my mom can fuck up an arm .

Oh , so there was just a couple things , but those are some of my favorite dishes to this day is how good she cooked them . So I mean , do you have a couple of things you can cook ?

Yes , Like what ? Absolutely so ? The spaghetti , the Craig spaghetti can't . Is it spaghetti out of a jar ?

No , absolutely not so what you do like a cook it like you squish the tomato on high on high .

You squish it , is it good ? Do you eat it ?

Shut the fuck up , shut the fuck up . I cook eggs , I cook bomb breakfast . I am a master , I cook and breakfast . Craig doesn't like breakfast for dinner . What so , bro , I'm telling you divorce .

So that's why . That's why he's out of town . Yes , and you want to know why .

I know this was like beat up Craig episode .

Here's the kicker . When Craig leaves town , we have a fucking party at the house with his favorite people me , lillian and Allie .

And they eat cereal .

No bitch we eat motherfucking eggs and bacon and toast .

They don't eat cereal , they don't cook .

Oh , lillian eats cereal and I can't cook when I don't feel like cooking Right , like every other night .

So cereal counts as a meal .

Fuck yeah , it does , he thinks it does .

Not dinner .

Does it count as lunch ? Cereal is not a meal .

Bullshit Cereal is perfect for any fucking child to eat and go the fuck to bed .

Yeah , but kids meals don't count , Like I mean a little bolt , like you can say cheerios .

I mean , you can eat cheese and it counts as meal .

No , you can eat your meals anytime you like a meal but not the milk you gotta throw the milk out .

Okay , I eat dry cereal .

Well , no you could put let the cereal be in the milk , but then you just eat the cereal .

Oh you don't drink like you eat the cereal with a fork . Well , I got that cereal cup thing , so like it separates the milk from the cereal until it enters your mouth .

So yeah , can you demonstrate how that works ? Dry cereal is .

Chexmix . That's pretty awesome . It's in the center , is a cylinder that's just the cereal and around it then it's sitting inside another cylinder holding milk .

Christmas present for Lily and Christmas present for Lily . So we can pour the dry cereal in your mouth .

There's a little hole right there that the milk comes out of . Yes , when you stick your tongue on it , you can actually control exactly how much milk .

Put your tongue on it . Oh my God , so you got it coming out of two different holes into your mouth .

And they don't drown you .

It's like DP he's got water for himself .

For sure .

So the other things I cook are we got spaghetti and you can cook cereal and what else Breakfast .

That's cereal .

No eggs bacon toast all of it .

No cereal and eggs and bacon are just two different things Toast , yeah , like in a toaster .

Dude , wait , lily , wait . I need your opinion on this shit .

Then Lily in here the podcast that she was in yes , what did she say ?

She thinks that we're gonna offend people who don't like sprinkles ? Or like sprinkles , I'm sorry , not the one likes sprinkles . Well , I have to say , and then the other time yeah , she doesn't think we're as funny as we think we are sometimes for sure , yeah , I don't know anybody else .

Yeah , but she does go after sprinkles . I think we are .

She does eat sprinkles on purpose now , knowing that Scott doesn't like sprinkles .

And she is just so flung as you are . So , to be fair , I don't think she's as funny as she thinks she is .

Yeah , I agree , and I tell her that daily . I don't think you as funny as you think you are . No , she'll get there though . She's going to get there . Yeah , she just keeps lobbing them out .

She's really good at trying to knock it out the parking lot . Oh yeah , she's really good at she misses a lot , but she's really good at it Sometimes it f**king smashes .

And we did . Now I told her . I was like , look , I'm trying to help you not cross the line . It's cool if you want to be funny and all that , but I'm just going to say line and you're going to know , bernie , it's about . You're about to get in trouble , like you could do . You can do that to a friend of ours , it is 20 .

Thank you for starting early . Because , somebody didn't do it to this dude .

I'm just trying to help out . He was a habitual line he was a habitual line . Look , she's got a pretty witty personality right y'all , but we got to keep that under control , otherwise she's going to get in a lot of trouble . So I'm trying to figure it out .

I mean that way she knows it worked in the moments .

Yeah .

It didn't work overall . Blaine said he would come on , by the way , but it worked in the moments for Blaine and that was the point of it , and then he found it funny .

So it really yeah , because then he started doing like Olympic level long jumping of that line . So he's just normal , normal , normal Woo . You're like whoa , what the fuck ? I'm like line and he's like where , I'm like way behind me .

Way back .

No , there was a , and I think I've had to say that to Lillian . It goes , I'm like the line's way behind me . Oh yeah , you mean that ?

There was a time whenever we were at your house and Becca was there and I had to call Lillian over and I'm in her ear and I'm like , look , you get into the point where we all about to slap the fuck out of you Because you're aggravating everybody in the room . We can come up with a safe word .

Fuck them , kids .

Bruh , I'm telling you .

Is that the word ? Is that the safe word ? No , it was bananas , and then it turned into .

Poconas . I don't know where Poconas came from . Poconas ain't even a fucking word , but it worked for about five minutes and now it's not .

I could see I would . I would do it too .

I'm about to get braids , just to do that , and she's like I'm mad , I cut my beard down .

If I can go get a clip or something .

Bruh , we could totally put some beads in there .

Like for a nicodango over your forehead .

We got one day left . We got beads . They rattle around all day long as you can walk . That worked . You could come in bouncing around .

Oh yeah , she is a habitual line crosser Stepper jumper .

It's OK , we're going to get a right .

We're used to those , so yeah .

I know that's why she fits in so well with y'all she might be there because of a sssss .

Oh , I would say that ?

Well , definitely , definitely , eric and Scott , and that .

There's a very good possibility .

She thinks saying very rude and disrespectful things to your friends is funny and is OK . Yep , I wonder where she got that from Exactly .

Mm-hmm .

So we just look . We got to explain to her that sometimes you can make people mad and people ain't going to want to hang out with you . You can like Get to the line , let's identify where it's at and pull back If you care if those people get upset .

I mean it's cool and be funny and shit like that , but , like you also have to show that you have respect for the people that you're trying to also fucking insult and that you care about wanting to have them .

That's a really hard thing to learn .

You actually have to be more careful about the insulting things to people . You don't care what they think , right . Right , it's actually the opposite . Like the people I really care about can take it .

Yes .

Because they know don't really mean it . And then the people that I don't know very well , that's the ones that have to like not say that shit .

Yeah .

She probably doesn't know that long yet . Absolutely and then these people get mad . They don't like her , she doesn't care and she just keeps saying it because she thinks it's funny .

Yeah , especially that first impression kind of thing .

You meet someone , first impression is yeah , the beginning of school is going to be rough .

Yeah , or rough , she ends up like us , and it's the people that say she like that . I'm like oh , that's my people , that's my people .

She's going to find some good friends at some point , for sure yeah .

They're just going to be in their 40s and 50s and they do the same shit .

And we all meet each other in college .

No , I mean her being nine and her friends are going to be like 40 and 50 years old .

Well , whatever Find your people .

I'm not mad at it . Like I say it all the time , I would much rather Lily and me hanging out with this group than any other fucking group . I can't stand the way that the other little gremlins her age act and talk to each other and just fucking stupid shit .

So we're better than the alternatives .

So y'all are better than the other nine year olds out there .

At least it's real . I had to kind of give a disclaimer to Chrissy for when she agreed to come on like okay , so we have to agree that when we leave we're still married and it stays in there I was like everybody else in there , we say shit to each other and when we walk out the door is gone .

I mean so far , so good . He's trying to not have to sleep on the couch .

However well she doesn't , let me do that .

Like

He did that for a minute . He went go travel and we have the bed and the spare bedroom and I don't know why . But he would get up in the middle of the night and go sleep in the bed and I'm like what the fuck you doing ? And he's like , well , my back was hurting . Yeah , that's what I read .

Like 33% of Gen Xers say that , like in couples , sleep in different rooms .

Yeah , is that what the sleep divorce is ?

It's all the way up to like 40 something percent .

Oh , wow .

No no . That's what they call sleep divorce , like you're not really divorced , you just like sleep in different beds .

Like that's the beginning of the end Whenever one spouse is okay with moving to a different bedroom , but what about if one can't sleep because the other one makes noise .

The other one has bad sleeping habits , so the other one needs to move the bed . It's just all kind of factors . One of them needs a night light to . They have a fan that's really loud and that's loud , so I'm always done .

You get fucking used to it .

Well you deal and you learn to fucking love it , or you don't get enough sleep and then you become a gangry , grumpy person because you're never sleeping , and then that's really what caused the end of your divorce .

But marriage is about calm . No , that's right . Relationships and marriage is about compromise . You don't stay married for 17 years and 18 years Like . It's about compromise .

Craig Cook's . I don't compromise .

Jennifer and I don't have slain sleep habits .

We don't ?

She wants to sleep with the TV on . I want to sleep the TV off , so what I do is I hit home button on the TV and it goes to like a dead screen , where the TV is technically on but it's not playing . We have a compromise .

Yeah . Jennifer moves a lot for the light .

She has always slept with the TV on Like I'm talking about , on like something playing 24 seven . Me too , I still do . So I was like I can't sleep with this because there's some noise , and during the night , you wake me up and then , three hours later , I'm still awake . That's recovered . You know what I mean .

That's the current . Well , I say current Probably the last . What seven , eight months that me and Craig are trying to figure out ? I'm a night owl . He's not . He's a fucking early bird that wakes up , hopping out of bed like a little chicken . I'm not . I like to stay up late and I like to fall asleep to something .

If you'll make me be quiet for too long , I'm gonna be somewhere right here .

I don't hate him , I hate it .

So you want to punch him in the mouth because he's a good sleeper .

Yes .

Because I have to like .

I have to like yeah , I'm just jealous of those people , but I'm definitely not like wanting to fucking fizzle out of a sultan .

Because he falls asleep so easy and I'm comfortable .

Maybe you should work on yourself and not be too other . I am working on myself watching these fucking Facebook videos and I'm calm and quiet , don't you disagree ? With me and fucking attack my methods , eric , I'm just saying they're wrong .

Don't fuck you , Eric .

What is it about people that are in the military that , like I , have a lot of friends and they all have that trait ? I think I just spent the weekend with a dude and he was like man once he laid down .

he was out and he was like completely still . It was tossing .

They're turning just done .

And snoring .

For me .

for me , it happened to me I thought it was just a Benoit thing , like it was like genetic , because some people , it is . But my brother sits still , my dad , if we sit still , like you put it , in reclining chilling , I'm out , I'm taking a nap , I got time to sleep , I'm gonna sleep .

I stay still not out all the time . He'll not out sitting on the bar , still Just his head his chin touches his chest and he's snoring .

That's happened to me on the bar still , or two or two .

But the thing with this is , I guess with that I figured it was some genetics right , but I noticed that pattern that military people seem to notice can do it .

I was not like that my whole life . It happened for me during my deployment and it never went away . I was working night shift . We are 10 city was near the runway and during the day shift is when they would do engine tests and stuff .

That's much of the awesome , for when you got to go on a flight , a commercial flight- when I'm by myself . Yes , when I'm with my family .

They hate it because they're like he's over there , sleep waiting and took off yet so because of a jet engine is not that you're asleep on a ? Plane . It's like my , I don't know . It's like my fan , so .

Jennifer wants to TV on a night and Craig wants to have a jet engine start up fire one up near me .

I'm going dodo .

See , it's like a fucking lullaby . Why can't I fall asleep ? Yeah , we went to Europe .

One of the first things they teach you in the infantry is sleep now , because you're not going to know when you get to sleep again .

That's what my marine buddy had told me .

So your buddy was also marine infantry . So that's , I've slept on giant black rocks in the middle of a desert . I've slept all kind of places because of that , because they for real , because stuff might start doing something , and then that's Marine , do you notice ?

But they eat like the way that it's like they're inhaling food . Man , it's crazy . Well , it's just by the same thing , like you better eat now and you better sleep now .

Right , For even a basic . We had seven minutes to eat when it was time to eat . You had to sit with your feet at a 45 degree angle , you had to put your head down and look at your food and you had seven minutes to eat . And if you look up , you're done , holy shit , and then you're not getting more food . So , and you about ?

I mean I understand the purpose for all of that .

Yeah .

Wow , yeah , that's amazing , and you do that long enough .

Like you said , you can't break it .

Mine was six months .

I guess it's actually useful , so why would you want to break it ?

You learn what you don't have to chew . Hmm , okay , so there's things you don't have to chew , like Like rice , mashed potatoes , chicken , corn there's all kind of chew your chicken ? Not really , it just lies on . It's better if you do , because it'll break it up , but it just goes so you ever choke ?

I feel like there's a little big choking hazard .

No , ali fusses at me because I eat in bed laying down .

Oh my god , look it up at the ceiling . Oh .

Yeah , I can't do that . Mine it happened over a six-month period . It would happen over a little bit less than that , but I had to deal with it for six months and it never went away . That was a poor baby turn that plane engine on , jet engine on . That's a rap dude . I'm going . I'm serious .

We sleep in the back of the Bradley in Iraq , full gear , full , everything on , and they got those low . They have periscopes so you could see out , but they have these low hand wraps that you stick your hand in to a hand guard to hold on , not a guard .

That's why I was wondering the eyes during the day , not so much that sleep with the light on , but man , it must have been in the day , because I mean that's ira access , probably hundred and some degrees already .

Yeah , I think it was like in the mid 120 , 118 and you're rolling around in a giant metal box .

It also has a giant diesel engine that's heating it up .

Yes , we bought a thermostat , but most of them stopped at 150 apparently shit so it got to 150 . Holy shit .

But then even think about that anymore in full gear .

With ceramic plates on the front , in the back , but they're in the flag .

Oh , so you're like a crock pot .

Yeah , yeah , your way , like whenever , like with all that shit on , how much extra weight did it add to you ?

I don't know , maybe just ten pounds .

Oh , that's it .

Yeah , you didn't . I mean , we didn't go with a lot of stuff , though . The jacket is just a jacket and the ceramic plates they're not that heavy .

I mean there they weigh some they were tainy and your rifle seven . I think , but they retain heat , like they stay hot oh yeah , they're not , they don't breathe .

I stay hot .

You heat up a piece of ceramic and hold the whole reason they use it for baking is it hold to heat ?

Yeah , it was when you'd open your vest , it was just .

Like you could feel it come through your face .

But we'd sleep back there . I would hold on , put your head down and you can hook your your kevlar Onto your hand some kind of way , and just so people are sleeping .

And holding on bobbing all over the place , so helmet on inside a box , the temperatures over 150 degrees You're fully loaded up with , with a crock pot on your chest and back .

Yeah , and then all of a sudden you hear a really loud explosion and then the track stops moving and they drop the ramp and you got to get out and go shoot stuff .

Oh , fucking the thing you do is get out of the car and run towards it and go while you were taking a nap with all that stuff .

Yeah , so yeah , I get it .

I have a hard time in the wake up , so easy too . Yes , that's , yeah , I can go to sleep .

I'm just not gonna stay asleep , right ? Oh , I got both problems .

Can't fall asleep . And I sleep pretty well . Can't stay asleep .

Dude , if it's quiet in the house at all , especially when I'm trying to go to sleep Like I dread bed done , because then it's like , oh , the wheels are gonna be turning and that's what the tv's for and especially with the sound on is gives my brain something to think about .

Sonos has a channel for on sonos radio . That's uh white noise .

Yeah , I tried that , but it wasn't enough of a distraction . Right , you got to focus on something else .

So you don't let your fucking brain tell you all kind of Crazy shit , like I was telling you that happened last night .

Put it .

Uh write it down , I type it out , a fucking writer on the board .

Stop being a backseat organizer , bro . I can't be a backseat cooker trying to help out .

Craig can't be a backseat anything . He's a fucking hijacker of everything .

A hijack . Well , there's also a hijack your life for 17 years .

There's a real thing about Craig .

You voluntarily did it , so you're bad .

I know , I know I don't regret it , but shit .

So when I fucking get into compromise , when you first sent over the topic sleep divorce .

I thought it was like oh , people dreamed about their spouse cheating on them , or something like that . That's when I thought , that's where I thought we were going with this . What's up shit . Craig D . I thought , yeah , something aw man , somebody cheated on me in my dream and I'm still pissed at him for three days . You know that kind of shit happens .

I was fucking cheated on me with his brother's girlfriend at the time Like fucking 12 years ago .

Hey , got up so mad Like we went to bed , everything was all good , whatever Got up in the next morning , but she was so mad at me . I'm like you did not sleep good , did I like hit you while I was sleeping ? You know like what's up ?

It was a dream , it's okay , but it did in my dream .

Well , a lot of shit happens in my dreams too . I'm like multi-millionaire , flying around the world in private jets , but that shit ain't really happening .

Is that ?

really what you dream about ? Fuck yeah .

You have dreams every night . No Like is it common across . You all have dreams .

I have dreams , but my dreams are very abstract sometimes .

I don't think I've had a dream since like 1996 . No , I still have dreams .

I don't have them every night I had the same dream with two different conclusions .

You was playing them out .

For real .

You had . Your brain was AB testing dreams on you .

Yeah , seriously Like , oh , I'm gonna have a dream and then I'm gonna have an alternate ending to the dream . Send her this one .

Oh shit , let's send her that one . Yeah , oh , that works , that worked better .

In the beginning part of the dream , they stole money from me , held me hostage and he ended up being like super nice and we dated or whatever .

And then , the better dream , the better dream , the better dream , the one that I would choose .

But he stole money from me , held me hostage and I shot him in the face . That was the better dream .

The first dream was the hijacking situation that she was talking about .

Okay , this is from the person who had to have a surgery and has a scar on her neck . It got mad because it faded away .

I had two scars on my neck and you can't fucking tell I could tell Two . Where's the first one ?

I don't know , I didn't even see two .

I can see one .

Dose , don't you point it out I ?

know where it is .

Man . I watched a movie yesterday .

Well , that's nice .

It was amazing Yesterday Because a fucking bad guy no .

Sunday , because the bad guys got killed . It was awesome that happens in most of the movie , 99.9% narrowed it down to .

But here's the thing , the actress that killed them all .

Like you haven't even spoiled the movie for me .

No , I know Fallen might be the only thing , that's not .

Right , the actress that killed them all used to play on a show that me and Lillian watched , and we loved it because it was like super sweet and juicy .

Can you not just tell us the name of the movie ?

Oh yeah , it's Run High Fight . What it's fucking awesome Run High Fight .

And it's about oh yeah .

No , it's about this fucking school shoot , run , high Fight .

What did

High Fight Run Period Hide Period .

Fight Period Run Hide Fight . Yep Things to you have to do all three , yeah , so you , you were like .

I called Allie right after I fucking watched it . You were there , you like Hello .

Who are you fighting ? The people you're hiding with .

No , the people you're hiding from the school shoot . How do ?

you hide and fight at the same time ? Well , you don't , because if you start fighting , you're not gonna be hiding anymore .

No , so Run , High , fight . Those are the steps you take . If there's a school shooting , first you run , okay , if that doesn't work , then you hide . If that doesn't work , then you fucking fight .

So it's run or hide or fight . Then yeah , Motherfucker .

Why are you gonna run ? Why are you gonna run ?

You're gonna run from one room to the other .

Then hide , then you can hide , then you can fucking fight .

That's what she did . That's what she did in the movie , but at any point in time you have to pick one of the three .

Yes .

Yes , that's all I'm saying .

You're right Run or hide or fight , you're right , you know , scott's not , I mean Craig's not the only fun-runner in this room , right ?

now what ? Whoa , whoa , whoa . I'm having lots of fun over here for myself in my own head , nobody else matters .

Right .

True , true .

See , I won't even get mad at you for saying that Like because in my head you just gave me a compliment .

Aw , you're welcome , but that was a kick-ass movie because it was very gruesome . I saw a kick-ass too , she fucking put a gun and shot her through . Whatever this part of the face is , the neck .

You watched this with a nine-year-old no .

No , that thing was gone , oh my God no come on , I want my kids to watch this .

I thought you were trying to get her to learn what to do . Are we off the road ?

They need to know . Is it about a shooter or a school ?

The whole reason this shit happened was because it was these four outcasts like . One got bullied in sixth grade and this is their senior year of high school , so he held on to this fucking grudge from sixth grade to twelfth grade , and then another one had a shitty home life and then another one had some fucking bipolar disorder .

So their main goal you just aimed , like three of the people at this table .

Thank you for not shooting up , but the whole point of this was to gain followers on social media .

Once again three people at this table .

Maybe four , maybe four .

But it was a really good movie and I'm glad they all fucking got their face shut off . That was the best part , because it was she fucked them all up .

I hope she don't have to defend herself like that with me . I'm just saying