Welcome to Nova Galactic Biotechs. How may we help you? How may we serve you? How may we change you? Your call may be monitored or recorded for quality assurance. For repairs and replacements, press 3. For all other inquiries, press 0. Please remain on the line to speak to the nearest representative We appreciate your patience Your estimated wait time is 27 minutes
Thank you for calling Nova Galactic Biotechs. My name is Ron. How may I be of assistance? First of all, I have been waiting on hold for so long. Yes, yes, I'm terribly sorry for making you wait so long, sir. Meanwhile, a black hole is devouring civilization as we know it. All right?
Yes, yes, yes. Okay, I see, I see. All I wanted to do, you know, my mom, bless her heart, she was like, hey, Johnny, go vacuum up the downstairs. And I'm like, ah, gee, mom, I gotta go vacuum the downstairs. Thank you. So I'm like, oh, goddammit. All right, so I go in the vacuum, you know. Oh, I understand. Okay. I get one of your guys' singularity vacuum cleaners. It's all on the TV. My mom couldn't help herself. She bought it. It was the best sucker she's ever had. Okay, okay, uh, yeah.
a black hole really okay that's wow how the hell did a black hole get stuck so i'm like oh gee so i try and get it out and what do you know i drop the vacuum and it cracks right And now, now I got black. Everything's sucking in my house. They got the furniture. You got the paintings off the walls. It's all being sucked into this black hole, right? And I'm like, geez, now my cat's being sucked into a black hole. Oh, God. I see, I see.
Yes, black hole vacuums do tend to be on the bit more of an unstable side, typically. Cat, get out of the black hole! What are you doing? Oh god, but yeah, so that's why I'm calling it. I'm calling it because of the black hole devouring civilization as we know it. All because of one of your stupid vacuum cleaning units. And now, it's eaten half my house because you had me on hold for that long. Uh, and what is the serial number on your product?
Uh, looks like it's, uh, Z27... Uh, that bit's a little bit scraped because the black hole ate a bit of it, but I think it's, like, a free? I think it's Z273, uh, fuck you, is what it says. Oh, oh, that particular model. Um, that was recalled seven months ago, uh, due to... Give me one second. Uh, let's see. Ah, uh...
internal fluids inversion. Real nasty, but you know, that's not your, that's not, that's not what's happening with you, so I wouldn't worry about it that much. What about my cat? Or do I get a free replacement cat? Next! Every one of our products comes with a warning label. that specifically states that if the protective pyro glass casing happens to crack and otherwise break, around the black hole, we are no longer liable for any of your damages.
Mr. Whiskas, no. He's in the black hole now. Oh, God. Mr. Whiskas. I am greatly sorry, sir. I truly am. I'm calling... This is from Dimension 14. Universe 32? Yeah, this is from the planet Mars 26. Which, you know, will probably be Mars Zero if you don't hurry up. Well, you can take the recall product to the nearest, uh, what is it? Uh, Ridley's, uh, Appliance Emporium. Uh, this is where you can be compensated. Oh, sure, let me just carry the black holder or a replacement center. Of course.
I'm sorry, but that's all I can suggest with a recall defective product. We have thoroughly advertised the recall as per interplanetary commerce killings prevention regulations. Oh! Screw your proper intergalactic regulations. Get your butt over to Mars and get this thing out of here. I highly recommend the new CXR 5200 Big Mouth. Its most useful feature is that it includes an incorporeal nozzle, which is made up for vacuuming up the supernatural.
And it's completely wireless thanks to the fact that it then converts that raw undead energy into fuel. which is shown to decrease your carbon footprint by 2.1%, and then increases your likelihood of poltergeists by 5.5, but that's not important. This whole thing is a mess. Plus, it comes with a two-year warranty, so you're guaranteed quality that will last. in case another black hole eats my planet. Okay, if you could stay on the line and answer a short survey real quick.
on the quality of your assistance today, that would be greatly appreciated. Oh, great. Now I gotta take a fucking survey. I just lost my cat. I've lost half my house. My whole world's gonna be destroyed. No, I'm done with this. Screw you. And I hope you have a lovely day.
yourself a wet blanket today when you're too hot and you don't feel safe without any colors to protect yourself from any spirits or creepy things trying to grab you by the feet at night to give yourself a wonderful night dream of sleep and slumber Sleep with an ultra-wet blanket, where when you wake up, you'll be pissed, sweat, or tears. Who knows? Wet blanket, because who are we to judge? We know you're not confident enough to sleep without anything. Your estimated wait time is? 32. Minutes.
and think more critically. Now down to only a 10% chance of causing immediate stage 7 brain cancer. for more information. Hello, thank you so much for calling Nova Galactic Biotech. This is Jazz speaking. How may I help you? My name is Montgomery Higginsbury, but my friends call me Monty, you see. Lieutenant Colonel, I am the current warden at the prison world of Flat Earth 13. Oh, yes, Flat Earth 13. I've heard of you, sir. You're a loyal customer of ours. And you see...
Recently, we bought one of your products, the Genocide Class Meat Blender Mark IV. And, um, well, you see, one of the bone-dusting arms is stuck, and we appear to have a buildup of human femurs in the shower room. Oh, well, Mr. Monty, first, I just really want to thank you for your patience with this issue. Our genocide class meat blenders are tested extensively before they even make it into the market to ensure that they are able to pulverize any bone into the finest, most beautiful dust.
Yes. Well, luckily the wage time wasn't too long, but even if it was, it wouldn't really bother me that much. Um, I just require a little bit more information from you so that I can properly research and give you the best information possible. So, um... Do you happen to have the serial number for your product? Ah, yes, the serial number. The serial number is, let's see, 712, another two, another two.
Another two, another two, and a three. And another two. And a two, and a two, and a three, and one more two. Oh, well, Mr. Monty, I know exactly what your issue is. You, sir, are due for an upgrade. was having some bugs, meaning the bugs that crawl inside of the mechanism to eat the stray dust that is clogging up, were not doing their job properly. So we have since upgraded to the genocide class meat blender mock.
Five. And you, sir, are eligible for this. Oh, delightful. I would love to get more bodies in here ASAP. The more bodies, the better, is what I say. Get more of these flat earthers out of here. Yes, sir. And I really want to help you. Now, I just really have two options for you.
One, I could send out a technician over to you and have them replace the existing bugs inside of the machine with ones that we've stressed out a little bit more and given a little bit more push so that they should remain more consistent in eating that dust. Although there is... still the potential for them to, as time goes on, become lazy. Or, second option, I could send out a replacement model for you, the new and improved Genocide Class Meat Blender 5.
Oh, well, let's see. How much would a full replacement cost, you see? Now, I am all about efficiency, young lady. Yes, all about efficiency. Oh, yes, and we are all about efficiency here as well. Let me just take a look at the options for you. Okay, so it looks like to have a technician come out to replace the existing bugs is 2,500 credits. And to replace the entire genocide class meat blender with the newest model, it looks like...
3400 credits. Now before we even commit to any other options, I'd recommend just having a technician come out to evaluate the machine first. Perfect, perfect. Send a repairman or a mechanic or someone to evaluate the instrument right away. We can see what parts we can reuse. Because while I am about efficiency, I'm also all about saving money, you see.
And any way to get these human fevers out of the shower rooms, it doesn't bother me, but I've heard some complaints from the inmates that it might be intrusting their time or something. But you know, whatever's easier... to grind their bones. Oh, they're to human skull now. It seems the skull crusher might also be bent. Well, as fast as you can. Gotta grind more bones to feed the inmates.
okay so Mr. Monty I'm gonna send out a technician for you he's just gonna take a look at those bugs and you said the skull crusher I'm gonna make sure they know about that as well And all I really need from you is to see if you could just fill out a customer service survey for me just to give me any feedback upon my performance today. Ah yes, a short survey. Delightful. What's that? Now the blood matrix is off! Oh jeez, I can't have this time for a survey.
And he's gone. Mr. Monty, how many times am I going to have to talk to you when you not fill out my survey? Okay. Just, just, just focus. Focus. It's okay. Okay. Okay, you've handled the black holes of the first level, you've handled the craziness of the second, and you're on your way. You're on your way. You just need a hundred more surveys.
just 100 more surveys and then they're gonna bump you up okay just focus on your goal 100 more surveys 100 more surveys 100 more glowing surveys because you are a glowing wonderful customer service rep Oh my gosh. Okay. Okay. Just focus. Just focus on the positives. Just focus on the positives. Oh. I'm not focusing on the positives yet, Mr. Customer. Okay, you, sir, are going to have to wait.
Quality Assurance is a production of Athelian International Media, AIM, written and produced by Victoria Wood. Today's guest writers for this episode were Logan Sewell. James Aiden Stoltz and Caitlin O'Grady. The voice of our customers were Logan Sewell. Logan can be found streaming on Twitch on shanana underscore gaming or on Twitter at the ALCH.
960-66-038. The voice of our customer service representatives were James Aiden Stoltz at Stoltz James on Twitter and Caitlin O'Grady at Kat Mo'Grady on Instagram. The voice of Nova is Victoria Wood, known online as Time Hitchhiker. Advertisement for Brainstorm, voiced by Sean Williams. The voice of Mr. Whiskers was Eye on the Cat.
She's positively charged. On-haul music provided by Artificial Paradise, who can be found on Spotify and Bandcamp. Logos designed by Paxton Deckard, at Paxtraws on Twitter. and Emily O'Grady at elemi.art on Instagram. The voice of corporate is David Wood. For more information on our products and services, please visit NovaGalactica.com or find us on Twitter at...
Nova Galactica. Please remain on the line to fill out a brief survey on the quality of our service. Nova Galactica is a wholly unsubsidiary of Nova Galactica Biotechs. Nova Galactica is not responsible for the destruction of your home world. Please remember to have a nice day.