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Love those. Bless you. For the UK's most personalised Mother's Day card, nothing beats a moonpig.com. Use code MUM20 to get 20% off cards. To verify, see www.moonpig.com. Welcome back to PSA Hate This Movie, a podcast where we take a realistic look into the unrealistic world of romantic comedies. I'm your host, Sarah Hunt. And my name is James Petrigallo. It's time to spice it up a bit. Yes, we are going to spice up your fucking lives.
today because we watched Spice World I've been over spiced let me tell you something listen there's no way that you can be over spiced I finally got my wish that I made James watch Spice World. I didn't ask him if he wanted to watch it. I just said, oh, do you want to watch Spice World? Like, we've discussed it many times. We definitely did not discuss it. One of the worst forms of deceit I've ever...
encountered in my life. That is impossible to say. An impossible statement. Indescribable movie. Anyway. But we'll try. We hope that you've had a wonderful holiday season. We hope that you enjoyed Hot Frosty. Gave you a Hot Frosty right there. We hot frosted you big. Wow. Take that. Right in your face. Hot frosted that chin. Yep. And so now we're going to spice up your life and we watched Spice World 1997. Yes, we did. Although.
James, you did say this has been going on for like three hours by now, right? Oh, this movie's three hours and 40 minutes. No, it's an hour 33. No, no, I don't believe that. I refuse to believe that. Absolutely not. No, it was not. No, it was. It's longer than Godfather 2, by far. Yeah, it is. It's way longer than Godfather 2, like a lot longer, like an hour. That's why I gave it like, I think Godfather 2 is about 240. I'm going three.
You are... 343 if I had to... When we were done with it, if you said, how long was that movie? I'd go 343. Well, your comparison to Godfather 2 was correct. Accurate and astute. It was not about the length. It was about that it was the best movie ever. Is that what you're saying? They were both shown in theaters. They do have that in common. Okay. Starring Melanie B. If you could say that. Melanie C.
Jerry Hallowell, Victoria Beckham, and Emma Bunton. Okay. Even though only like three of them are actually billed, and I was like, dang. Okay. Directed by Bob Spears. The IMDB description. Bob, Bob, Bob. We've got to have a chat, Bob. Well, you're going to have to get the Ouija board because Bob is dead. What have you done, Bob? Bob died in 2008. That is not surprising after doing this movie, honestly. The guilt must have really just... This will bring your soul down.
We're going to have to have a seance if you want to have a conversation with him about his... choices in life. For the first time I do. I'd like to have a seance. Who do you want to talk to? Your dead grandmother? No, not really. I want to talk to Bob Spears. Find out what the hell he was thinking. Okay, the IMDB description. World-famous pop group The Spice Girls zip around London in their luxurious double-decker tour bus, having various adventures and performing for their fans.
Yeah, a three-hour and 40-minute music video. No, it was not three hours. I wish it was three hours, and so do you, because that's how much you loved it. Okay, the taglines are dumb. They perform for royalty and entertain millions the world over, but now they're making a movie. Oh. You say you want a revolution? I was like, no, this isn't the Beatles. But they really wanted this to be like help.
So you've never seen Help, but as soon as it started, I was like, oh, they're trying to do Help. But I really don't particularly care for the Beatles, so that's why I haven't seen it. Yeah, but it's a classic movie, so I don't know where the hell I saw it. I've seen Spice World. I've never heard of Help. You've never heard of Help? No.
Okay, well, it's kind of a really well-known thing because the Beatles made this movie. And in this movie, they run around like idiots and they all sleep in the same room in different beds on different levels. The same thing. This is what they're trying to imitate here. I understand what you're saying. I'm part of the Spice Girls generation. Instead of ending up with help, which...
Like I said, not a Beatles guy myself, so whatever, but a lot of people love and consider a classic. This comes off way more in the cool as ice. Oh, I thought you were going to say this is a different kind of help. This is this needs help. This is more of a like if I had to put up like.
Two movies. If I had brackets and I was doing like a thing, it would be Cool as Ice and Spice World would be together. But Spice World would so win. No, Cool as Ice is way more entertaining. Two more. They don't just sing. Five girls, five days, one rocking world. Okay. Fun fact. This movie is listed among the 100 most enjoyably bad movies ever made in Golden Raspberry Award founder John Wilson's book, The Official Razzie Movie Guide. Fun fact, this is a movie.
You know what? I'll give it this. One thing I will definitely give it as far as bad movies go, it doesn't drag. Even though it feels like it's three hours and 40 minutes long. But I mean, there's no points where nothing's happened, where like there's no movement. Oh, yes. There's lots of movement. It's very much like you would put this for like a four-year-old child because there's a lot of movement. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's colors and movement. They run around. Just watch this. James. What?
You know who Gary Oldman is, right? Absolutely. Gary Oldman wanted to be in the movie because his sons were into the Spice Girls, but he couldn't because of scheduling. Wow. I'm sorry to hear that. Everybody else got in this movie. Yeah. Everybody. Everybody. The people in this movie, wow. They tried to make it like, I will say they tried to like parody it.
They tried to make it a parody of itself, and it's like a movie within a movie of the way they do it. So they tried to make it clever. They didn't try to say, okay, let's literally make the Spice Girls. You know, have dialogue. You know what I mean? So that's helpful because they're all not good at this at all. You're never going to believe this next fun fact. Oh, boy.
This movie broke the record for highest ever weekend debut for Super Bowl weekend with box office sales of $10,527,222. Which makes a lot of sense. Number one, because our small... how murder show in pittsburgh super bowl weekend is very difficult to sell and i think super bowl weekend's a tough weekend anyway and number two i can't imagine anybody that would watch this in the theater would have any interest in watching the super bowl correct yes exactly unless the spice girls were doing
the halftime show well maybe you should be more like the Spice Girls or get the Spice Girls to come to your small town murder show in Pittsburgh that's perfect yeah well they're invited attention Spice Girls you guys are invited Spice Girls are invited to any show that we're doing if you want us to
Stop by. Say hi. Yeah. Sure. Why not? Yes. Please come to one of our shows. I got a lot of questions for you at the Spice Girls. OK. And then also I saw I was Googling some more fun facts because I was like there has to be some kind of like weird. You know, whatever. Fun fact. Like, I don't know. Yeah. And so one of the other questions that popped up, you know, on Google where it says like, like, you know, other things.
One of the questions that I thought I might be asking were, what are some fun facts about allspice? So here are some interesting facts. Once upon a time, flowers were given as symbolic gestures. Bright yellow allspice buds were seen as a symbol.
Oh, that's terrific. Allspice was named due to its scent, which is a combination of cinnamon, nutmeg, and cloves. Of all shit I'm allergic to. That's perfect. Yeah, so anyway, those are some fun facts about the Spice World movie and also about Allspice. Also about Allspice. Well, I know I can't eat it at all now. Yeah. And then there's some fun facts about Old Spice. Nothing fun.
Nothing fun. Just deodorant. Smells like an old man's locker room. That's all. That's it. Smells like an old man's balls after he plays fucking squash or something. Pickleball now. Nobody plays squash. It's all about pickles. I'm a very old man. We've evolved from... From squash to pickle. So I had to think old, old, though. Really old. No. People would really be angry at pickleball. I was at the grocery store the other day, and there was these two women. They were older.
And they were like, I didn't see you at Pickleball the other day. And I was like, dang. Yeah. I'm like. But Old Spice Balls is a different level of old. Oh, for sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. So, James. Yeah. The movie obviously begins, right? But here's what I was thinking. Inside of every broad, remember, it's gender nonspecific to be a broad, there are two Spice Girls. Oh, yeah? Like on Mad Men? There's a...
You got a Marilyn and a Jackie? Yeah, but inside every broad is two Spice Girls, okay? So, like, for me, mine that I liked when I was a kid was Posh and Sporty Spice. Okay. That said, who are the Spice Girls inside of you, James? Oh, my God. If I had a Spice Girl inside of me, I would probably...
Well, I could do the world a favor and hang myself if I have a Spice Girl in front of me. One less Spice Girl. How dare you? One down, four to go. No, I don't want to murder the Spice Girls. They're fine. You're so invited to the show, ladies. I have no idea. I have no idea. I don't know what...
any of them bring to the table. They don't seem to bring a lot to the table individually or as a group really. I liked posh spice because i thought she was cool i thought she was pretty and i also like sporty spice because i thought she was cool and she did a lot of cool moves you were a 10 year old girl So I could see... So you're saying you resonate with zero Spice Girls. I was like a 19-year-old man when they came out. So at that point, I was thinking...
I wasn't thinking, I wonder what Spice Girls I am. You know what I mean? I know, but you can think about it now. I wasn't taking the what Spice Girl are you quiz. Well, if I had to choose, I'm not going to say who I'm like because I'm not like any of them, but I'm going to say if I had to say who I like the best.
She's different. They're all terrible. But I think, I don't know. I'm trying to think at that age who I found most attractive. Can we go with that? Sure. Because I don't know anything. I just watch them and go, Jesus, this is awful. Turn the sound off. Anyway, so...
I don't know. It's not a great grab bag there either. I'd have to go with, I guess, sporty if I had to pick one. So you would be sporty. It's great. I guess so, yeah. So we're starting off with credits. Going sporty because she's smart. She wears the most comfortable clothes. Yes, you did.
shoes she's in fucking nikes and warm-up pants no that's hot shit right there good for you that's let's talk about it i wanted those platform shoes but my ankles do not want me to wear those though okay so we start off with some credits And we are performing too much. It's in Cool as Ice fashion. This is how Cool as Ice opened with a music video. It's the same thing.
It's in true cool as ice fashion. The Spice Girls are performing this concert. They're singing too much. So we're introduced to these worldwide phenomenon of too much and the Spice Girls. And then we see. they meet their manager guy who's clifford their road manager guy yeah yeah and he's like tragically
Very, very high strung and girls need to stay on schedule. He's very high strung yelling at the phone. I don't blame him for being that high strung because Roger Moore is like, I guess, like the agency boss or something like that.
James Bond be a Bond villain essentially and he speaks in like riddles and like yeah like a Bond villain you know what and it was just like fucking crazy because i'm like just tell me what you want me to do don't do this like you know don't beat around the bush yeah yeah yeah the macaroni still cooks in the hot water it's like okay i don't know yeah i don't know what the fuck that means tell me just what you want me to do and i'll do it um okay so there's all these code
Then we also meet Alan Cummings, who is filming a documentary about Spice Girls. Yeah, nice to see him getting work, but at the same time, I'm like, Jesus, man. There are tons of celebrity cameos in this movie, and we start off hot with Elton John. Elton John is like first. scene. They wanted a really...
They want you to know the Spice Girls are fucking everywhere. They know everyone. Everyone knows them. Everyone knows them because Elton John is here immediately. Every famous English person is in this movie. Like Elvis Costello is there. Everybody. Yeah, you should play a drinking game or like a smoking game. Like take a hit every time you see a cameo. Because it's...
There's a lot. Yeah. Yeah. There's even Bob Hoskins in this movie. That was a weird one. Yeah, it was so funny. He pops out of the phone booth at the end and James goes, is that Bob Hoskins? What the fuck is happening right now? What is going on? This would be a fun movie to watch on mushrooms. No, it wouldn't be. I like to do things that are enjoyable on mushrooms. If this movie was more like Cool as Ice where...
They gave them the opportunity to be terrible actresses and, you know, deliver terrible dialogue and try to like do an emotional scene and all. That would be fucking great. I'd watch that a hundred times. No, this is just. the entire Spice Girls album over for an entire fucking four hours of movie. Six hours and 13 minutes of Spice Girls music. I can't take it anymore. I really can't. You can. I can't deal with it. Six hours, your ass.
It has not been six hours. I can't watch them do that same terrible, awful dance they do. They're just fucking terrible. Well, where were you to choreograph their dances? Oh, my God. I don't think that's what they're capable of, I think. That's it. That's what I mean.
guy says like okay don't worry there won't be any fans they'll all be around the front and then he kicks the door open the double door open impossibly because he doesn't even hit like anything but everybody's out there and then they're going into um so Clearly the fans have found that the Spice Bus, the giant fucking double-decker Spice Bus, they found it. 2,000 feet, square feet inside. And so...
We're seeing all the fans and the Spice Girls are waving to everybody and giving kisses and all that shit. And they're getting into the Spice Bus, the sixth Spice Girl. Something like that. Meatloaf Spice. Meatloaf is definitely... the bus driver um five spices and some meatloaf in that bus that's all i got listen cooking okay it all up i wanted to be on this bus so fucking bad when i was a kid
Didn't they already do salt? Okay, but there's already salt and pepper. They're spices. So wouldn't they be the Spice Girls first, technically? No. Salt and pepper aren't spices. Salt and pepper aren't spices. They are. They are spices. Yeah, I think. But these are.
I'm sorry. This is baby spice, posh spice, ginger spice, scary spice, and sporty spice. Not salt and pepper. These are the spice girls. It doesn't matter, though, but they're still spices, and those two are spices, and ginger is a spice. So don't tell me nothing about that. Ginger's also a spice. Listen, you're trying to distract. You're trying to distract, and I will not be deterred. I will not have you besmirch anything about the spice world for me. I'm trying. I'm trying.
We're on the bus, and we're seeing all their personalities, okay? So Baby Spice is on the swing. Why is she? Okay. Because she's a baby. Why is she on? Okay, I got it. She's got the dollies. This is where we got to explain and get this all out in the open. Yes. Why is this fucking brought a baby? This is creepy as fuck. Because she looks cute and innocent. No. No, no, no, no, no. It'd be one thing for that. had to be her look.
She's a baby. She acts like a baby. She's always sucking on a lollipop. Yeah, but that's not what she's really like in real life. But like a weird, precocious, like, fucking seductive baby, which makes it even creepier. Okay, okay.
I just want to know, is the goal here to make people want to fuck a baby? No. It's so creepy. So here's the weird part, okay? So this movie, it leads you to believe that the Spice Girls are like... like wwe wrestlers where like whenever they're on camera they are sporty spice and whatever because they like dress insane
I guarantee you that they do not actually do this. So I don't think that Emma Bunton acts like a baby all the time. I wouldn't think so. I think that is just her character. But the character does psychotic things. They present it. I'm not talking about it in the movie. I'm talking about when they...
were out they were like these are four adult women and then this adult who you can have sex with legally but she's also a baby it was fucking yeah she has a weird oral fixation yeah she dresses in like weird clothes and does that thing where like her ankles are
crossed and she's like I don't know what I've been it's like dude you are an adult this is disgusting Jerry Hallowell is always reading like the gossip column like she's reading the tabloids and stuff I don't know what her character is the others I get what they are ginger spice is like she's like sexy girl power like she's like that's it like the other ones I understand I don't get what her what her character is other than like kind of like is she supposed to be like the slutty one
Kind of. Kind of, because she's like a rack popping. Well, if your rack looked like that, you wouldn't have that. I would pop it, too. Yeah, that's what I mean. If your body looked like that. No, no, she does great on her.
I do feel bad because apparently she did have an eating disorder because she felt like she always needed to be very thin. And I felt bad because I was like, everybody thought you were super hot. I was going to say that she had the... judging from a guy's point of view like every guy would be like oh Jesus why is that one a baby blah blah that one's got a rocking body you know what I mean that's what people would say yeah okay and then Sporty Spice was like lifting weights she was like doing
Yeah, little dumbbell curls. Little dumbbell curls. Posh Spice is, I was like looking at different dresses because all she does is talks about clothes because she's so posh. And they do that fucking joke with the Gucci dress where you just, it's like. The little Gucci dress. The little Gucci dress. Or.
The little Gucci dress. It's like getting blasted in the face with a forearm repeatedly. OK, so let's talk about it. Horrifying. Because I've asked you, which shirt should I wear? And you said, uh, the black one, because that's all I wear. But they're all different shirts. But I didn't go the black one or maybe the other black one or maybe because I'm not.
Terrible, and they are a comedy. How dare you talk about Sporty Spice like that? She's my favorite one. Okay, so Scary Spice is looking for her boots, and she sees that Ginger Spice is wearing her boots, and so then this big... giant pillow fight ensues which is of course what everybody thinks that when there's a group of girls together and they're all friends slumber party stuff oh my god and then there's a pillow fight if you were in your underwear it would be like oh
Okay, that's what every 16-year-old boy thinks that that's what's going on. And then there is a pillow fight. Okay. Yeah. It's hilarious. So they're on tour, and basically one of the shows at Royal- Is it a tour? Yeah, because they go to different places. They go to Milan. But that's not a concert, what they do in Milan. What they do in Milan is like a park gathering. I don't even know what that is, by the way. That's not a seated event. Well, that just says that you've never-
been invited to one. That is not a ticketed event in Milan. I'm sorry. You don't know that because you've never been invited. You've clearly never been invited. There was people just sitting at garden tables in the front and then people standing. You wish you were invited to that. That wasn't a concert. No. There was people behind.
looking out of windows. Yes, because they wanted to fucking see it. Is that a ticket from the, a window ticket? Is that part of it from behind? No. It's not a, it wasn't a concert. It is a blessing. Okay. They were doing like promotional things. So they are on like this like weird. tour, I think it's like five days or something, like a week, maybe. That's what Alan Cummings says. Five days in the life of the Spice Girls. The week ends with them at the Royal Albert Hall.
And then that concert is going to be broadcast to everyone in the world. Somehow this is a worldwide Spice Girls live show that they're doing. Yeah. Everywhere. You could just turn your TV on back in 1999 and it would come on. Spice Girls, you guys are invited to any one of our virtual live shows. We always do them on 420 and we always do them on Halloween. So if you want to, we can broadcast.
a live event around the world with the Spice Girls. We get super stoned. You have a good time. Don't bring baby though. I think she's underage. No, she's definitely of age. Okay. We already came up with the theme. We should have done Spice Girl theme. No, we shouldn't have. Yes. That's absolutely terrible. So then we see, now you're kind of meeting the chaos part of this, right? Chaos part? It's all chaos.
You're chaos. It's enough to fucking have the whole tour thing. You don't want me to get through this movie. You don't want to talk about it. You don't want to respect it. You hate it. You hate me. What's going on? This movie, I can't stop. It's crazy. It's not crazy. This movie broke me. Look at my notes. Over the course of this, I say.
What am I watching? And I say, why is what is happening here? And then it gets worse. I start to write it bigger and bigger. And by the end, it's in all caps. And there's a picture of me. Look, I'm hanging from a little tree. That's me, a little stick me with a hat on. Look at that. Why would you? I wrote that in my notes because I was losing my mind. That's why. This movie broke me. Look what happened.
It broke my life, man. It broke my whole spirit. I'm telling you, I don't even know how to react to this movie. It broke. It broke me. Okay, okay. George went. Oh, Norm, what are you doing? Norm. Okay. George Wendt is...
I guess, like... Watching the Spice Girls, as you'd imagine George Wendt is doing. Well, he's watching the Spice Girls, but he's like a movie producer or something. Because he's friends with this writer guy. They're doing a pitch, basically. They're doing a pitch for this movie. Yeah, he seems to be...
I guess a producer and the guy I don't know what his official job title is but the other guy is that it's like knock off like Tim Robbins he is on SNL for a minute yeah I don't remember 90s yeah I remember I don't remember his fucking name either so funny he's my favorite yeah he was hilarious okay so they're they're pitching a movie they're gonna pitch a movie so they're like oh my god the Spice Girls are the biggest thing in the world and we have to make a movie about them yeah
Okay. Obviously. Clearly. So then that's when we see Roger Moore. And they do a bunch of cheeky little things like this. Like he's shaking his martini. And he says, no need for any stirring. Yeah. A lot of references to whoever these people are. A lot of layers. There's a lot of layers to the spice world. A lot of James Bond jokes. Layers of flavor. Well, they're all spices. You're building. This is a soup. We're building a soup.
and the soup is Spice World. Salt and pepper out of retirement touring with the Spice Girls and it's just the whole rack you call it. That's my idea. Coming to your city, the entire rack. Okay, okay. Everything. We're changing it. Salt-N-Pepa and the Spice Girls. Otherwise, you're not invited. That's it. You've got to come together. We are getting together all of the Spice Girls. I gather all my spices. in one place. That's how I like to do it. Should we get bread?
The band Bread? Half of them are probably dead by now. Those guys were out in the 60s. Dead Bread? Dead Bread. Okay. So we're at rehearsal now and a lot of people have coats on. They have like double coats. Scary Spice is wearing a NASA pullover hoodie parka thing. She's got a fucking parka on. A full-on parka while Baby Spice is wearing nothing.
As usual. Yeah, but like, and then I think Posh Spice was wearing like a tube top dress. Yeah. Strapless dress. Yeah. And then of course, Sporty Spice is practical. But throughout. Warm up pants. But a t-shirt. And a t-shirt. Okay, but throughout. You could layer with that. Throughout the movie, what fucking temperature is it? What is the climate? What month was this in? I have no fucking idea. Everyone is just dressed. Is it cold in the summer?
Everyone is just... It's England, so I think it... And they're walking... When they go to that coffee shop at night, and they're all like...
They're shivering. And I'm like, hey, you left the house like that. What the hell? You could have put a jacket on. Why'd you leave the house like that? Then they're all going to get French fries together. Also, you have one of those great cardigans that's like floor length and you're wearing your gigantic boots. You look so cool. I wanted to dress like that.
that when i was a kid so why don't you just do that yeah that's also okay yeah work it out oh i begged for those platform boots i saw them at um like some like flea market or something like that in arizona oh my god i would have sold my away my life savings for like my inheritance girl boots oh my god if my just take my inheritance i will i will just please buy me these boots but my parents never did and i was like well
Thanks a lot. Take an inheritance, she says. Yeah, you can keep it. Whatever you're going to give me, don't give it to me. Just please get me these boots. It'll mean the most to me. Okay, so the Spice Girls friend shows up to... Their rehearsal. I thought they were trying to recruit an Asian Spice Girl. They're like, we're missing something here. Let's get an Asian one. We're missing a flavor here. Okay. So she's our like longtime friend and she's super pregnant, like overdue pregnant.
Yeah, she said she's five days late. Yeah, she's like a week late or something like that, Bill. She's like overdue because they make that abundantly clear throughout the whole movie. She's ready to give birth now. Nicola is going to... Pop lock and drop it out. It's happening. Yeah. And so the Spice Girls in this movie are kind of like...
wild toddlers because they're in the middle of rehearsal and they see Nicola and they're like, friend! And they all just run over to her. And there's a band behind them ready for the next take and there's no... And then another theme that I realized... It's very rude. Well...
There's a whole band behind them. Hey, guys, let's stay on schedule. What the fuck are we doing? Another theme that I realized from this movie is that because they'll be like ordered to do something. Yeah. And they'll be like. Let's do our own thing. And then they just do like this crazy. So they could be rebellious. Yeah. Against their business. It's so funny. It's like, you guys are in charge. What are you talking about? I know, but from what we learn about like Amy Winehouse.
and like Britney Spears and all that stuff, it does seem like the industry is like, nope, you make money now, so you are just like, bah, bah, bah, bah, bah, bah, bah. Well, yeah. If you want to have a career and have a business.
restaurant you can't just be like i'm gonna have fun today like you're fucking open you gotta have shit going you gotta prep like that's life that's what business people do no no but i i understand because remember when amy winehouse said that she was like i'm just gonna get drunk and then maybe they won't take me on the plane and then they just picked up and put her on the plane. I was like, oh man, Amy's so sad for you. That's terrible. That kind of shit's awful. That's abusive.
So the documentary crew starts like miking up the conversation and the Spice Girls are like, excuse me. We're having a private moment here. The pregnant chick is saying that her boyfriend left her. The one who knocked her up left her. Super sad. Trevor. Trevor took off. Was it Trevor or Travis? Maybe Travis. Either way, not good. Trevor and Travis is the same guy. Yeah.
True. Honestly. True. True. Yeah. Except for I feel like Travis wears the white Oakleys on the back of his head. Travis does, but not Trevor. No, I think Trevor wears them on top of his head or like on his neck, like on the back of his neck. Not like on his head. I think Trevor does that. That's fair.
They're similar people. Trevor has like the different Oakleys, like the sportsy ones. Trevor and Travis, they hang out in the same circle, though, for sure. Oh, yeah, for sure. They're birds of a different feather. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay.
Or the same feather. Same feather. Yeah, I'm not different. Okay, so more rehearsal and then they do, so they're like done talking to Nicola and they're like, thanks for coming and hanging out. Sorry, you're overdue on your pregnancy and then they start rehearsing so that's wonderful. Yeah.
Pretty much this movie is let's do a movie and bang out some music videos for an ad for the movie. And then also maybe if we're like going to live shows. The plan seems to be fill as much screen time as we can with the, what do we have? Eight, nine songs to put in.
Okay, what's that? Fucking, you know, 35 minutes? All right. That's a third of the movie. Get that out of the way. Yeah. Fill it with, and then the rest of it, if you look at it, the dialogue in this movie is mainly delivered by everybody else. Right. They speak very little because they're...
Not actresses. Well, aren't we asking enough of the Spice Girls? To sing and dance poorly? I guess that's a lot to ask of somebody to make them also act poorly. They're a triple threat, though. I will give them that. We are going to have a fight. Okay, so. There's also a lot of very heavy anti-tabloid messaging in this movie. They're like, the tabloids love to... Yeah. And I watched this documentary... Very British. Yeah, I watched this documentary about the Spice Girls.
the other day I think it might have been Friday and it was it's on YouTube and it's from 2007 and it's called I'm Giving You Everything and it's about them like getting back together in 2007 And OK, so basically, Jerry.
Ginger Spice kept being in all the tabloids and stuff because like her out her dress was too short and she was wearing the Union Jack. And then they said that she was racist and then she put a peace sign on her butt. And then they were like, you know, whatever. And then like her boobs almost fell out, fell out.
One dress. People were upset about her boobs almost falling. At an award show. And then also, like, I guess she did, like, some nude modeling. And the Spice Girls all knew about it. And she was like, they're probably going to find this and leak it everywhere. And the Spice Girls were like, whatever.
Who cares? Wasn't she in Playboy or something? I don't know. It might have been something like that. But anyway, Jerry, she was like in every tabloid. And I'm sure that that drove her nuts. So I do like that they kind of gave it like a. Yeah. Like, Jerry, like, hey, look at what you're fucking, you're terrorizing this lady. Yeah, no, that makes sense. That makes sense that they were. Okay. So.
The tabloid company, they're also part of this, right? So then you cut to these like evil, weird guys who basically run like... The New Yorker or something like that. Like, it's like one of those fucking, like the National Enquirer. Yeah, like the World Globe or the World News. Those fucking, that's a big deal.
in british culture is tabloid stuff and that's but it's like one of those ones where it's like oh like you know controversy on the cover either that or like a bat boy or something yeah one of those things on the cover exactly so it's all it's one of those and they're The editor of it is like, I'm so tired of seeing the Spice Girls. And they're like, well...
That's what's popular. And they're like, well, so let's just say that they're breaking up or their shows are canceled or something. And so then they start like, we're going to do that. That's right. Yeah. I almost forgot. I'm like, what was the plot here? Yeah, that's right. It's so strange. to do that because then okay so let's say they break up and then they just kind of like what you won't have anything to report on anymore that's a good point
All your spice of mercy is gone. But they're helping you sell magazines. What are you doing? He said, I'm tired of these positive stories. Let's get some negative stories. So they're talking about how they're going to do that and they end up hiring this fucking creep.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's a creep. He's bald and like, you know, little round glasses and, you know, he looks like a... And he's a creep. He's a creep. Yeah, he pops up out of a toilet at one point. Yeah, that was weird. Covered in spice poop. Okay, George Wendt and the other guy are pitching the movie, the editor guy are pitching the movie to the road manager, Clifford. Both are bad ideas and Clifford hates them.
Well, they were bad ideas. They were terrible ideas. They were terrible ideas. They're like... like what if they did this? And it'd be like some traditional kind of plot line. It's like, well, obviously not. Now we're evolving into, because what I was talking about earlier is that like you are introduced to all the Spice Girls personalities. And now the Spice Girls are talking about their persona.
Baby Spice doesn't like to be known as Baby. She's saying, I understand what your eyes just did, but she's communicating. Put the lollipop down for five minutes maybe. That would help probably. Like Posh Spy says that she's so tired of everybody thinking that all she talks about is clothes. Yeah, yeah. And then, you know, everybody's just like... Doesn't they all switch places? Well, it's right before the photo shoot. So then they do that photo shoot with...
McNulty? Yes, yeah, and then they do. Jim McNulty from The Wire? McNulty is there. I'm like, of course he is. He's British, why not? Yeah, of course. Do you think he had sex with Jerry Halliwell? Probably. I hope one can hope. I would imagine you hope McNulty bangs. What's her ginger spice? There's something about that. They go, yeah, that works. I don't know why. So then now they dress as each other. Which one is Mel B and which one is Mel C? I have no idea.
Mel B is Scary Spice. Okay. Well, that makes it really easy, thank you. So Mel C, Caucasian. Mel B is the black one. Okay, perfect. Yes, that's what you just told me. Okay, Jerry, now that they're all dressing as each other. Yeah. Jerry is sporty. Now I know. Scary is dressed as Jerry. Sporty Spice is dressed as Posh Spice.
posh spice is baby spice and then baby spice is dressed as scary spice and that was really hard to put together i was like whoa yeah you probably had to pause that for a second yeah i had to like i was like okay which one is which one which one am i missing During this shoot, I have, I wrote down here. Okay, bring it. I have a little asterisk of when I need to, like, this is a personal note for my later self. Okay. I'm not doing well.
This is like from the field in the Civil War here. I said, quote, I'm not doing well. I feel like I'm on acid, but I didn't take it on purpose. Somebody slipped it into my drink. That's what this movie's done to me so far. No, it has not. And we were like, what? We were only like two hours, 20 minutes in at this point? No, this is like 38 minutes in. Oh, okay. That's different. So they're at some weird press party.
And, like, I guess all these people are dressed like the Spice Girls. And so the Spice Girls are bitter about this. They're like, why do they always dress like this? And it's like, because that's who your characters are. Like, that's what you guys look like outside. So, like, that's what we do. Like, we dress like... I know like Chapel Rhone has like a theme. So she'll put like this one. Moulin Rouge Zombie.
That's what she's going for. Okay. But she'll say like, oh, it's Midwest princess night or this one's a mermaid night. So like you go there dressed up like a mermaid. So like it would be weird if Chapel Rhone was like, hey. Why are you guys all dressed like mermaids? You told them to get dressed like that. That's a good part. Yeah. So...
There was this lady that was talking to Posh Spice about fashion. Oh, that's right. I forgot about this. They are all so mean to Ginger Spice. They are mean to her. Every time she talks. So she's like talking about this very interesting fact about manta rays or whatever. And Posh Spice is like, oh, and then there's this little fish that's the ginger one and talking about stupid facts about manta rays.
Yeah. And then Ginger Spice was like all quiet, like, okay, whatever. I guess they don't want to hear from you. And the Posh Spice has nothing to add. No. She's very boring. Yeah. She doesn't seem to. Well, she's supposed to be very vapid and like that whole thing. She's posh. I have a list of the characteristics and that's it. Posh is dull and bitchy. That's her. That's her character. Baby is just.
Creepy, creepy, creepy, creepy. If you ever knew a guy that was like, yeah, I like the baby spice one, that's a pedophile. Watch that guy. That's the one to stay away from. Sporty's like a cockney waitress. Love her. You know what I mean? Yeah, I love Sporty. She'll smash a beer pitcher.
over your head if you fuck with her because she's a sporty like in a soccer bar. Sporty Spice could work at Coyote Ugly. I was thinking more like where they play soccer matches and shit there. Oh yeah, I'm sure she would do that. More of a thing there. Ginger's the one that will blow your boyfriend. For sure. And if you're not careful. And I don't understand scary. I'm trying to figure out why the name. Why is she scary? Oh, because she said that her hair is big and sometimes scary.
Oh. That's all. That, yeah, that's not really a, I don't get that. That doesn't work. But you don't, but do you like that? Do you like that more than baby? Yeah. No, she acts like an adult woman, which is great. Right. I just mean this. I don't know if the scary part. I don't know why she's scary. So objectively, one of the prettier ones, which is like, so I don't know why she's the scary. Because her hair. Okay. That's all.
She does it all big and crazy. You should have got a hideous one. Like one girl that was just fucking just hideous and then name her Scary Spice. She, you know what I mean? No. Okay. So this lady was talking to Posh Spice at the party about fashion. And Posh Spice was like, what do you know about manta rays? And I'm like, you should go apologize to Ginger Spice.
right now for being a jerk. That was not nice. Yeah, yeah. But the pregnant friend shows up for the party and she wants to ask the Spice Girls to be the baby's godmother, which I think... Girl, you're like a week overdue now. And then this is what you're thinking about now. Not like, hey.
Was thinking about going and eating some like spicy food. Her ankles are so swollen right now. She's not feeling good. And then I came out here. I lugged myself out here. Yeah. To ask you guys to be my godmother. And then you guys, like, I get it that they had like a photo opportunity and stuff.
but you don't come back. They're like, no, peace out. Yeah, and then she just leaves. They don't check in with her afterwards or anything like that. I was like, you guys are jerks. I don't get it. Yeah, I'd be like, I'm going to have somebody else be my baby's godmother. And later on, too, when we get to it, we'll bring it up.
I don't think they treat her right. No. Even though they do like that one thing in the hospital, I think that's just because they feel bad because they've been so mean to her. Well, they've neglected her. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. So...
The secret man hid in the fruit table thing, so they're doing this weird photo shoot thing, and they're asking them questions, and they're like, you know, blah, blah, blah. The tabloid's trying to get dirt on the Spice Girls. Well, the tabloid is hiding under the fruit bowl. Yeah, the secret photographer. Whatever. But like all the real photographers are. I didn't understand this. Why didn't he just act like.
One of the other photographers. Because nobody would have been like, what are your credentials? It sounds easier than hiding under the fruit bowl. He hides in public places where there's a hundred members of the press around taking pictures.
He could hide in plain sight, no problem, except for in the house. He doesn't have to hide. Just stand there. That's why I think he's a creep. He comes out of the toilet. That's wild. And he's hiding under their bed, and I'm like, yo, dude, this is fucking crazy. A lot of the times he didn't need to do that at all. No. He chose. He was like, let me go in the toilet. I'm going to go in the toilet and then hide under a bed. Which I don't even understand because the pipes are not...
I think that was... Is it like the Santa Claus? I think that was the... Where he goes through the chimneys? I think it is. He comes out all stretch. Wait, what does Charlie say? Yeah. And you get sucked in like that. Yeah, I think it's... He says...
Flush me. Flush me. I don't think this movie is supposed to be in reality. You know what I mean? That's not true. It's super real. I think it's supposed to be like a cartoon almost. Yeah, probably. So he comes out of the toilet like a cartoon, like American Dad. So one of the photographers asks Ginger Spice, hey, hey, Ginger, do you like boys?
and she's like come on is the pope catholic like she's being like whatever yeah so the the tabloid guy shit in the woods yeah the tabloid guy is like ha ha And it becomes this big worldwide thing. Like it immediately gets to the Pope. Yeah. And they ask the Pope to make a comment. And he says, I'd like to know what evidence the Spice Girls have. And I was like, you know what? That's a really good question that we can just always keep in our back.
I'd like to know what evidence the Spice Girls have. I always would like to know what evidence they have of who told them to do this. They're doing a performance in Milan, and they have these guys come out in these little hot pants. Yeah, little male stripper outfits. Yeah, and they have the bow ties and stuff like that. Fucking thong pants. And everybody's upset that there's male dancers, and they're like, we did not. Yeah. Like, okay.
this group of men dancing with us. And so they have to do this whole thing. But the Italian man... This part of the show was so offensive. It's very stereotypical. It's a lot to take in. The road manager... is yelling at this very aggressive unibrow man about, like, what's going on with these dancers.
And the Italian man is correct because he's like, yeah, like you asked me to provide dancers. Here they are. This is who I have. They're good dancers and like whatever. But instead they had to make that guy disgusting. They had to make the dancers greasy.
Greasy. Well, I mean, that's because they're all muscly and oiled up. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't think they were. I didn't even take that as offensive. Like, oh, God, with your pizza grease all over you. Like, I didn't take it as that. I took it more of.
you're all oiled up. Well, who knows? Because it seemed very crazy because they were like screaming about this thing and the Italian man's like, he goes, they're a beautiful man. Yeah, he's a beautiful man. You ask for the dancers, I give you the dancers. They definitely like... Like this movie is, it's obviously not, it's not made for me. That's the thing. I obviously, clearly, I don't know if you could tell or not. I didn't care for the movie.
I didn't like it that much. I don't think that I agree. But this movie was absolutely positively not fucking made for me. So, like, my opinion is worthless here. It really is. Can I tell you something that I would like to have made for you? What's that? Those purple suits that they wore with the butts. Those were nice. I actually have some of those.
You've never warned them for me. My goodness. You've never really warranted it. I'm waiting for a special occasion. How dare you? It's one of these days. We should do a smoking game of how many times I've said how dare you to you this episode. It's a lot. Yeah, it's like six. How dare this movie? That's the thing. How dare you? How dare this movie? So the Spice Girls are on the Spice Bus the next day after the Italian...
Oh, they have another performance. That's not a ticketed event. That's the one where it's just like someone's garden. The Spice Girls need to pull over on the tour bus ASAP. because they have to go to the bathroom. They got to drop a spice deuce out there in the woods. And James was like, 2,000 square feet, no toilets. No toilets. He was so upset. But once we found out that the toilets were clogged, which I don't understand how that happens. These girls are just...
taking giant dumps constantly. Unless they're like crazy toddlers and then they're just flushing so much toilet paper. Either that or they're just like flushing like mittens down there and shit. Yeah, they're just boop, boop, boop. But I really feel like these girls are just pooping a lot. I think that that part, the toilet's being... clogged was only so that we could get that meatloaf callback?
Because he said, look, I love the Spice Girls. I love them a lot, but I would do anything for them, but I won't do that. It's to get them in the woods so they can meet an alien party, which is also odd. Okay, so then they go in the woods. They're going so far, like just to go to the bathroom. Walk a half mile into the pitch black woods to take a piss on a tree. Traversing, and they were like, I think we're lost, which there's no...
There's no world where you would be lost because it would just be four of the girls around the one, and you're kind of away, and you have four people blocking, one girl pees, and then you alternate. Blocking what? You're in the woods. Just pee. It's not like you're at a party. We have to squat.
That's what I mean. Go do it. No one's stopping you. We have to find a place to lean up against. There you go. You're in the forest. There's a tree next to it. So this gigantic UFO appears, and now we meet aliens, of course.
The Spice Girls can communicate with the aliens, but the aliens know who the Spice Girls are. They're like, oh my God, you're the Spice Girls. And they said, they tried to squeeze Scary Spice's boobs. They're there specifically to get tickets. They tried to squeeze her boobs right away.
Everyone's like, you're supposed to shake hands. Yeah, we said shake hands. Not squeeze boob. But they want to go to the show at the Albert Hall. They want to go. They ask for tickets. And the Spice Girls were like... Oh, my God. I think we're sold out. No comps. Yeah. Which I can understand. Remember what we went through last year for comps on our sold out shows and for small town murder. We had tons of comp problems. So I get it.
It's understandable. You need extra cops. Yeah. I was like, for the Albert Hall, like the Spice Girls, they don't even get cops. You can't invite aliens. Spice Girls and Salt-N-Pepa, you are still invited to our show. Absolutely. Together.
Please come. Together. All the spices in one place. Small town spice murder. Girls. Do it up. Spice ladies. The spice women. The spice women. The spice people. Okay. So the aliens want... autographs and kisses and a picture that's the funniest weirdest picture ever so they told Clifford about that they saw these aliens and Clifford's like okay you guys clearly need like a day off because you're you're seeing aliens yeah
of your mind you're fucking hallucinating conversation and the five of you are having the same hallucinations yeah it's time to separate you guys we have to take a break and sleep yeah let's take a break yeah so The manager says no. So the Roger Moore guy says that they can't have a break. Yeah. But it's like if I was Clifford, I'd be like, no, they all said they had to. Our toilet is all fucked up.
In here, they had to go. Shitter's full. Yeah, the shitter's full. They had to go in the woods. They're saying they saw an alien. I don't know if they went to the bathroom. Yeah, they might be holding it right now. I don't know what's going on. Yeah, they clearly need a break. But we need a break, too, because the bus needs maintenance. Somebody has to fix the toilet. We've got to get a plumber on here, and then we'll work it out.
The manager, the Roger Moore guy said that they can't have the morning off. Yeah, no. And so Clifford says, they're like, well, we might have to be with Nicola tomorrow, like our super pregnant friend. Yeah. And they're like, because, you know, like her overdue baby. And like, we're this baby's godmother. And he's like, a baby can be overdue. The Spice Girls cannot. You know what? The Spice Girls are a hot property right now.
So now they go to some dance training with a men in a military uniform? Don't know. The flaming Nazi. But we're doing... He looks like he's in a Nazi uniform, but he's... Is that what you're calling Adolf Hitler now? The flaming Nazi? The flaming Nazi, yeah. I mean, yeah, he was a little...
You never know. But I think so, yeah. I think he's almost like a Mel Brooks character, this guy. Yes, he is very Mel Brooks-y. Like a springtime for Hitler type of thing. Oh, my God. Yeah. I love that so much. That's what he reminds me of. So they're doing this like weird dance training, but it's also like military training. They do like their weird like karate kid. Yes, we are. Yeah. They're marching and shit. Yeah.
Strength and courage and a wonder bra. Yes, that's right. Iconic line. Loved it. I'm going to be saying it all the time as I'm doing my laundry. Oh. Okay. So Baby Spice is sleeping and everybody's sleeping in this crazy house, like this crazy old weird house.
Whose house is that? I don't know. That's where he pops out of the toilet. Yeah. But the creep is in the toilet here. Yeah. And so all the girls wake up because they had a terrible nightmare. I thought that they were going to start hunting this guy. Yeah.
Because at the end, it doesn't make sense. No, none of it makes sense. Okay, but anyway. So they all said that they had the same bad anxiety dream because they're like, what if our show sucks on Friday? Like, what if that sucks? Yeah, what if it all goes wrong?
The Royal Albert Hall. Yeah. So they're like, oh, my God. So the creep publishes some crazy, like, story about it. Spice Girls are scared to go on stage. Yeah, they're scared. Yeah. Oh, and also, Jerry Halliwell said... Scaredy Spices, I think it was the... No, it wasn't, but it should have been. I think it was Scaredy was part of it. I don't think that they were that clever in this movie. I think it was Scaredy Spices. Okay, maybe. Afraid to go on the stage. Anyway, so the...
The Spice Girls are all talking about the bad dreams that they had. And Jerry said, she's like, oh, maybe because we have an anxiety. you know about this because we want to do this and everybody's rolling their eyes at her and I was like you guys hate her no wonder she's not allowed to talk really anything that she says like oh my god I did a bunch of reading about delivering a baby and they roll her eyes I'm like she's not even
She's not even saying anything like super crazy. She's just talking. Oh my God. Is she the smart one? I think she's the smart one. Is that her role here? She might be, yeah. Oh, my God. She's the smart one. And they're, like, annoyed. What the fuck world are we living in? The spice world. That's the world. Never mind. You know what? You ask a question, it gets answered. I'm sorry. Okay. Asked an answer. So we're back.
To another movie pitch, and the pitch is now Spice Force 5, which I love. Which is just a ripoff of Tarantino doing... That's just Pulp Fiction, Fox Force 5. They even do the same characters. It's the same exact thing, which is fine. It's a parody, I guess. And Ginger Spice is the...
Ginger Spice is the shapeshifter, and this is where she turns into Bob Hoskins. She, yes, goes into a phone booth. I will say Bob Hoskins saying girl power and feminism and whatever is hilarious. Her voice came out of his mouth. Yeah. Well, not really. It didn't come out of his mouth.
Well, I mean, in my movie Spice World, it sort of did. If he is on TikTok, which he's not, I think he's dead. Yeah, so we'd have to get a Ouija board and a dead TikTok. I'm sure he does a terrible, bad fucking- Him and Bob Spears are off somewhere. Laughing.
burning in the fires of hell for this movie no it's only for this movie now they have these competition winners on the bus okay and there's their two little kids they're children tiny children so seven maybe right yeah the spice girls are like hey like let's fucking kidnap these children and go have some fun because they saw a boat. So they were like, okay, when I say go, go. Yeah. And then the bus stops and then they run and they go and commandeer this vessel.
With this very blonde man. Yeah. And they're on this boat. They're like, go, go. I mean, they do wear life jackets. They all have life jackets on. And they bring the kids on there, too. And at one point, the manager. The manager guy on the phone says, can you please explain what the hell is going on? And I was like, thank you. At least someone's asking that question. Thank you.
This goes to everybody. Bob Spears, what the hell is going on? Yeah, but this is a kidnapping. Oh, yeah. Their parents, this is not authorized. This boat trip is not. No, no, no, no, no. No. No permission slips. Nothing like that. No. This is crazy. Yeah. And honestly, holy shit, because they the driver of the they have a lawsuit.
Yeah. It has to be. The driver of the boat is not paying attention, almost runs over something. Because they're like gyrating behind him. So he takes a wildly tight turn. Oh, yeah. Launching. To avoid a log. launching two children and Posh Spice out of the boat. And then Sporty Spice jumps out of the boat to go and rescue them.
I'll jump in and just, there she dives off the boat. Yeah, not smart because she's got the tracksuit on. She's got the tracksuit. That's only going to weigh her down. The tracksuit, it's probably nylon. It's going to be pretty light, I think, under there. And then Posh Spice had a very small dress on, which is... fine, but her high heels are going to create some weird... They were gone when she popped out. I think the heels probably, as soon as she fell in the water, those heels shot off.
Okay, so Creep Boy was also in the water, so he published that. Clifford's mad at the Spice Girls for all of their front page bad behavior. Yeah, you're giving yourselves bad publicity. We've worked up to this point. Now you guys are blowing it. So the girls are fighting with Clifford, and then the girls start fighting with each other. Yes, obviously, yeah.
And so they're mad and they're like, well, we're not even going to do the show tomorrow. No, maybe we won't show up. Well, maybe you shouldn't show up. And she's like, all right, cool. Maybe we won't. Like, I don't care. Back and forth. So they're all fighting with each other. They're all fighting with Clifford. Clifford's upset. They go back to their houses and they're all kind of having introspective moments. This is the first time in the whole entire movie.
That they have gone to their separate spice layers. Yes. To. Their separate spice drawers. Separate little fucking containers to decide what the hell's going on. Separate racks. Yes. I would call this scene. So they're all sitting in like their little rooms and they're all talking about.
They're not talking about... This is a Spice Origins scene. They're all thinking about when they were younger and they used to meet at this coffee shop and they were just starting out and da-da-da. And they're trying to think about, has fame changed us? Are we... Don't skip over the scene in the diner now. No, no, no. I'm not going to. The coffee scene. Okay. But they're all having that, right? Yeah. So the whole thing is that they're at this coffee shop. I don't think...
ever paid for coffee. They said maybe you could, yeah, we'll pay you back when we're rich and famous. And he's like, yeah, I don't think so. Yeah, I don't think so. And he's like the guy from Beverly Hills 90210, like the Peach Pit guy. Like that's like, hey girls, how's it going? They're like, can we play our new song for you?
The Asian one is there, by the way. Yeah, because she's one of their friends from way back when. Soy Spice. She's there. Oh, my God, James. That's what they would have called her probably. No, they wouldn't have. It's less offensive than scary.
hey we have a group we have one black one let's make her scary and the rest of us will be you know just normal names okay that's what the fuck are they talking about oh my god okay so they want to play this guy likes jazz music and stuff like that which i can kind of liked because it is super british because if it was like an american movie they would have said um
like oh my god this is amazing you guys are gonna be so famous or like whatever but like in this one they're like yeah it's gonna be good if you add jazz like you know that was fun but so they they start singing their whole group they start singing that song wannabe Which, wonderful, that's one of their first singles. It's a lot. No mics. No. They're like holding the pepper shaker.
singing into it for this guy. And they press play on the tape. They're like, Ricey Spice, hit it! And she fucking kicks the fucking play button and boom! They're off to the races. Why don't they let her in the group? Yeah, they should have her on the payroll at least. She was hanging out with them! Why is she not in the group? And then now they feel like bad friends. And then she got in a horrible situation with Trevor or Travis. Fucking Trevor Travis is a dick. She needs her friends.
I would say so. Now more than ever. Now more than ever. And she could use the income. And give her a job. If they're such a fucking force, what's going on? They're saying there's people all over the world working their butts off for these girls. Why not her? Maybe she has a great, fulfilling career. We don't know. I don't think so. It doesn't seem like it from her attitude. And she's always free, too.
Well, then again, she's just about to pop, so I would think you take the week off from work. Yeah, I think you don't work. Okay, so anyway, now all the girls are at the shop, and it's shut down now. It's closed. It's, you know. For rent, whatever. Yeah, it's all gone. And they're like, what are you doing here? The coffee shop. What are you doing here? They all pop up at the same time they walk up, too. They coalesce. I'm telling you, they're on some weird spicy hive mind. Yeah.
So their whole thought is they went to go get some French fries, I think. And they said they were acting like, oh, no, have we changed? Has fame changed us? Yeah, they're sitting by the water talking about it. Yeah, so Ginger Spice says, it used to be, where are we going to get our next meal? And now it's, where's our next single going? And it's like, okay, so yeah, you do have different, like, whatever. Yeah. You're adults now. They cut to a scene in court. Oh. Where a cameo from Stephen Fry.
Yes. He is sentencing them to being 179th on the charts before falling off completely. Their next single, yeah. Their next single will be that. I was like, damn, that's a tough sentence. That's tough, man. They're all like, oh, man.
So they decided to go out and go party, and they were like, oh, maybe we should go and hang out with Nicola. And it's like, yeah, but she's really worried about being pregnant and overdue and stuff. And they're like, yeah, let's go out. Yeah, let's go take her out and party. Every chick who's a week overdue, she just wanted to go out. She wants to go out and party. That's all she wants. I didn't know what was missing was dancing.
Yeah, she doesn't want the hemorrhoids to stop. She doesn't want the fucking swelling to go down. She doesn't want this fucking thing out of her goddamn body. She wants to go to the club. That's what she wants. She wants a Pepsi and go dance. Take me somewhere with no seats, please. That's what I'd like. And also, if there could be a lot of people that I have to squeeze through, that would be excellent. That would be terrific. Yeah, not a lot of oxygen, that sort of thing. Great. That'd be fun.
So the Spice Girls are all dancing and vibing at the club. And then they're like, and she's like, no, no, you guys go ahead. That's okay. I'll watch you. I'll watch you go dance. And then they just go. And they're like, all right, bye. It's the whole point of coming out tonight. Was to hang out with Nicola because you guys said you're-
Bad friends. Was to hang out with General So Spice over here. That's wrong. Oh, my God. I'm kidding, obviously. Jesus. These are their names, not mine. So this is defeating the whole purpose of hanging out with their friend. Yeah. The whole purpose. Yeah. They were like, we've really forgotten about her. She was at the coffee shop with us.
She's our sixth Spice Girl. She's the sixth Spice Girl. And then the boss is the seventh. But, like, she technically should be part of our crew. Instead, we have Deb and Clifford. Deb seems to hate her fucking life. Clifford said she went to school for some other thing. Clifford definitely hates his life. Yeah, he's miserable. Yeah, but you could have had Nicholas. He has a noose ready later. Yeah, that's my favorite line. He has a pre-tied noose. This man is on the edge.
Yeah. He carries it with him places. So they're at the club and they're all dancing. And then all of a sudden, Nicola, her water breaks. And so she's like, oh, it's okay. And I'm like, I'd be like, hey. Fuck you. I didn't want to fucking be here. So now they have to take the spice bus to the hospital. Yeah. Because there's no ambulance. Yeah, that's right. They got to fly to the hospital. They get the spice bus going. Friends in labor were going.
And then the Spice Girls are in the lobby. This woman comes up to the Spice Girls, and it's only ginger, posh, and sporty? Sporty, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So they're like, are you guys the Spice Girls? And they're like, some of them. And they go, can you?
Our son's in a coma, if you don't mind. And they're real. And the husband's like, Jesus. I can't believe you asked that. Sorry, she's breaking your fucking collions over here about this fucking kid over here. But if you could just take a quick look at our comatose. son, you know, whatever. Just, you know, a couple kind words. Hey, you know, you just come over, you know. Yeah. Which, by the way, did I ever tell you about that I think I killed this lady? What lady? Well, when I was in film school.
We were in a hospital and somebody was in the elevator and asked me if I wanted 20 bucks. And I was like, yeah. And so they're like, you only have to be like a witness to a signature. And I was like, okay. And I went in there and this lady had like a tube in her neck and all this stuff. And I had to sign as a witness. And then I got the 20 bucks and I left and I went and I was like in the elevator and I went.
What if I killed that lady? I think it just signed off on her DNR, I think is what happened. I don't know if it was. They said it was for power of attorney. Yeah, it's a plug color. That lady was, they were switching to a different power of attorney and this lady was like. You can sleep well tonight knowing you killed that woman. Yeah, absolutely. Oh my God. That's all right.
I'll tell you what I want, what I really, really want. It's cyanide. This is horrible. Okay. This movie. Okay. So they asked him to talk to the... They asked the Spice Girls to talk to that boy, and... Jerry's talking to them. And then Posh Spice goes, oh, why don't you take your top off?
And the dad's like, not a bad idea. The dad goes, I mean, couldn't hurt is all I'm saying. Yeah, because they're like, well, what did we say? What's he going to go deeper into a coma? Probably not. And then, of course, at the...
thought of seeing ginger spices. His eyes pop open. Yeah, his... Which is probably accurate. He's a young man. I mean, honestly, they look nice. Who wouldn't want to look at them? No, no, no. She's got a great body, that one. She does. She really does. There's nothing wrong with that one. Okay, so... One of the nurses has tickets to like for.
Nicola in labor like one of the nurses has tickets to the Spice Girls concert tonight at the Albert Hall and she's like oh good luck hope I see you there like no no you I better see you there I paid money for this I wouldn't leave till they leave probably that's what I mean or on my shift till you guys can't show start without you. Yeah, I'm leaving because I have tickets so I want to go home and get ready and stuff like that. That's true, Jim.
I know you'll be there tonight. I would hope. Because you know how this process is. I like that everything's going to be okay. Yeah. This hospital room, by the way, is... The most austere hospital room I've ever seen in a movie. There isn't even a piece of equipment. There's no heartbeat monitor. It's just a room. They didn't actually get a room in a hospital.
You got high gold. Please tell us if that is what your hospitals look like, England. A fucking room with no medical equipment in it? That's a weird hospital. Especially if you're having a baby. You need a bunch of medical equipment. Hey, everybody. Our house is a hospital now because we have rooms with no medical equipment.
equipment in them either. Oh, cool. Maybe we don't have to... Yeah. And this movie had a $25 million budget, so I feel like you could have got a hospital room. Yeah, probably. Yeah. The baby's out. Nice and clean. Bang, bang, boom. We got a show to do. Nice to see you. Her vagina cleaned that baby on the way out like a squeegee. This kid popped out. Great. Hair was like towel fucking. Crazy. Like towel wiped. Crazy. It was wild.
Okay, so then they have to go because they're running late for their show. So they're like, oh, God, Clifford's going to kill us if we're not there. I mean, they're like, we're at least a good friend because we are here for our friend Nicola. And it's fine. Yeah, we're good. By the way, the club scene is what made me say, what am I watching? And draw a picture of me hanging from a tree. That was the club scene is what did it. I couldn't take it anymore.
So then there's a movie pitch at the end where the writer and George Wendt are talking about- Yeah, this is where the stories converge. I guess it's actually happening. So he's like, okay, so here's what it is. He's like, then they do this and then-
They can't find the driver of the bus, and so then they're driving the bus, and then the bridge is going up. And it's Posh for some reason. Posh Spice is driving, and then the bridge is going up, so then they decide, like, should we stop or do we fly over the thing?
Then they fly. They jump the bridge. They jump the bridge. And then they get to the thing and they start running. And then the police officer pulls them over. And he's like, you know, you were. And then they send Baby Spice to act like a little girl. You had reckless driving. You caused damage to property. You were flying a bus without a license and frightening the pigeons. Yes, obviously. Very British. Baby being a baby to that.
That's frightening the pigeons. That came up earlier because she was complaining about this. She didn't like to be seen as a baby or whatever. Oh, it's because you have this cute little cherubic innocent face and you could get away with anything. Yeah, and you act like a baby.
And so they said, like, you can get away with anything because you're so sweet and innocent. Yeah. And that's like a callback to that. Yeah. And the cop was like, oh, the cop. But he also had a weird little horniness to it, too. It was weird. As that actor, I don't even know how you would direct him. Yeah, I don't know.
It's like you're like, oh, cute, like it's a baby, but also you want to fuck the baby. Yeah. That's a very weird fucking direction to give somebody. Okay. Okay, I guess. Let me try. Now we come to my favorite part of the entire movie. When the documentarians are filming Clifford and he says, OK, here's the plan. The band starts. The lights go on.
And I go out center stage and hang myself. And I hang myself. And he's got a noose ready. And I was like, yes. Can I have that? Can I borrow that when you're done with it, please? Brother, can you spare a noose? Yeah. Okay. I don't know how to tie. How'd you get that tied? Yeah, I'll just, it's fine. This is horrible. Hopefully mine's not so bad so you can use it after. But no, it's my favorite line in any movie ever. It is funny. Except for, I was just watching Waiting for Guffman.
yesterday. Oh, that's obviously hilarious. I could have my job back at the Dairy Queen. At the Dairy Queen. They always take me back to the Dairy Queen. I always have a home at the Dairy Queen. And she's fanning that wing. Yeah, the single wing on the sad barbecue. In Parker Posey. She was great back in the day. That is one of my favorite lines. But then also just that.
I go out center stage and hang myself. That was the only intentionally funny line that was actually funny in this whole movie. Yeah. So the Spice Girls show up. Spice Girls show up. The concert is happening. It happens. And then we do almost like a blooper reel type thing where you kind of see the inception. They close with another whole song. Yeah. Of course. They open with a video, close with a video. Spice of your life.
Vanilla Ice would be proud, ladies. You made him proud. What's vanilla, by the way? What's vanilla? It's a spice. It's a spice. That's right. God damn it. Holy shit, it's all coming together. Salt and pepper, the Spice Girls, vanilla ice, cool as ice. It's all one thing with Spice World. Oh, my God. We've cracked the...
A code. We are starting to get familiar with the spice world. This is the Da Vinci code, but with spices. This is what they don't want us to know. This is what they don't want you to know, everybody, and you need to know it. All music has to do with spices. Oh, no. That would happen. Jesus Christ, I would have never thought. Well, on our journey around the world.
Did you know that people used to travel around the world and go and find spices? Yeah, that's the only reason people were traveling. Because black pepper used to be gold. If you had black pepper... They said we have to find a way to get to Asia.
Easily because we need spices. That's why they did it back in the day. But, like, I mean, like, if you're on your boat and you're traveling somewhere and, like, you have black pepper, like, you have gold. Oh, that's the gold, yeah. Okay, yeah. Which it is. I love black pepper. Absolutely. What's wrong with that? spice journey yes we have to make a stop oh no over at the heigl meter oh boy where are we going here we're going to the heigl meter to the heigl meter
The Heigl meter is our unit of measurement. Measurement? Measurement? How much measure you got there? The Heigl meter is our unit of measurement, the way that we rate our movies on a scale from one Heigl to five Heigls. Five Heigles being the worst movie you've ever seen. So punishing. Painful.
Awful, terrible. One, not that bad. Not that bad. You went first last time, James. Yes, please. And I think that you are going to probably need to go off on whatever weird shit that you need to go off on. So I'm going to go first. Please do. I'm giving it negative five Heigles. Wow. Very enjoyable. Negative one for each Spice Girl. Loved it so much. That is. Still do. Always and forever. Really good. Leave up forever.
That's the best. I'll be waiting. I am a diehard Spice Girls fan. You can't touch me. Which Spice are you? Well, no. I just told you I'm Posh Spice and Sporty Spice. No, no, no. I meant like if you had to be your own Spice to come up with it. They were like, look, somebody quit. We need you.
Pick a spice. I'll be parsley. Parsley spice? That doesn't work. No, but I love it. I like parsley too. Yeah, that's not bad. It doesn't really do much. It's just like there. You don't want to be garlic. Never want to be garlic. I do want to be parsley because it's there. People are like, ooh, parsley, but it's like... It could be on the side. Yeah. Yeah.
Anyway, so I'm going negative five. Loved it so much. I'm actually a diehard Spice Girls fan because on the Too Much disc where it had like three different versions of Too Much and then it had a fourth song. It's Too Much, all right. How ironic. And then it had a fourth song, and it was called Outer Space Girls, and that is my favorite Spice Girls song ever. Oh, boy. Suck it, nerds. Okay, James, go ahead.
I am going to give it 100 million and five Heigls. Wow. Because that's one Heigl for every dollar this thing fucking grossed in the movie theaters. This thing made $100 million in the movie theaters. And then, obviously, what else? extra Heigl each for each Spice Girl. I should make it 100 million and six. There we go. I just promoted the Asian one to a full Spice Girl status. Nicola, congratulations. You are a full Spice Girl. Nicola, yes. You are a Spice Girl now.
All right. There are your little wings or whatever you get. I don't know. Enjoy. Your little spicy wings now. Your shaker. There's your shaker. Wow. That was an adventure. I hope you guys loved. The Spice World movie as much as James did. Five years off my life, everybody. I hope it's worth it. Five years your ass.
Everybody loves Spice World. Don't listen to James. It's the best movie. It's won many awards. And that's what's so funny because he was like, this movie is terrible. I was like, it's won an award. And he was like, what? And I was waiting for you to notice that it was a Razzie. They did win an award that is technically an award. Yeah, that's something. All right.
Anywho, let us know if you loved the Spice World or Hot Frosty or whatever. Whatever you want to talk about, let us know. Find out. It's a wonderful treasure to be with you. Yes, rate and review. Definitely five stars. Tell your friends and all that stuff. Listen to Crime and Sports. Oh, yeah. Listen to Small Town Murder. Thank you. Listen to your stupid opinions. Also, please listen to...
Book It, book podcast. Book It, a podcast about books. My friend Chrissy and I, we've been reading books. And then we also just watched the Lisa Frank documentary and we covered that. So if you want to hear about how much we were angry with... The Lisa Frank people. Find out about unicorns and trapper keepers over here. That would be great. And also, if you don't mind, please, if you are in the market for a children's book.
We have About Frankie on Amazon.com. So good. And it is, I think it's also at Barnes & Noble. Hilarious children's book about our dogs. It's a hilarious chicken book? It's a chicken book. It's a chicken book. I was just thinking about how.
I'm excited that we're eating chicken later. It's about our big crazy dog. It's about our giant crazy dog, Frankie. And if you have a child in your life that needs a fun book to read. Yeah. It's sarcastic and funny and good. Please consider that about our lovely dog who is not a dog. Yeah, a weird person. That's kind of what the book's about. But yes, please check out all of those things. Check out our other episodes. James, we still have to finish up the Fifty Shades series.
I know. I know. And... What little bit of life I have left in me, that'll... That'll fucking flog out of me, I'm sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So that's fine. But anyway, we thank you for joining us. Absolutely. Thank you so much. And we hope that you have a lovely rest of your... Absolutely. Have a good one and go Heigl yourselves, everybody. Go Heigl yourselves. Thank you.
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