"Love, Lies & Algorithms: Navigating Modern Romance to Find Your Perfect Match"

So pop the bubbly because today's episode of Prosecco Queens podcast is all about dating smarter, not harder. If you've been tuning in, you know that this podcast is all about real talk, sparkling conversation and empowering queens like you and the kings that love and support us to live your best life. Whether it's in love, career, or just making sure your glass and your standards stay full. Over the past decades, I've explored everything from personal growth to relationships.

From these episodes, I've drawn from my own experiences, navigating life, love and everything in between. I started Prosecco Queens because I believe in open, honest conversations, the kind you'd have over a glass of bubbly with your best friends. And today we've got the perfect guest to join the conversation. Answer, Lauren Fandreist, dating coach, self-worth advocate and expert in helping women attract the kind of love that actually aligns with their values.

Lauren is an international coaching, Federation certified coach with the background in human organizational development from Vanderbilt University. And she's spent years helping women break out of toxic dating patterns, communicate with confidence and build relationships that last. Oh, and did I mention she brings mindfulness, manifestation and real life experience into her coaching? All the things that we know I love. Basically she's the dating fairy godmother we all wish we had sooner.

Lauren's philosophy is all about shifting your energy, strengthening your decision making powers and knowing when to go all in or when to say, thank you, next. And honestly, that's exactly the kind of vibe we are all about here, Prosecco Queens.

So if you're ready to ditch the dating dead ends and start attracting high quality connections, grab your glass and settle in because this episode is about to change the way you look at love. And again, it is my pleasure to have you on the pod, Lauren, welcome. Thank you so much, Teresa, and I'm feeling bubbly just listening to that introduction. Thank you. You're welcome and thank you. I love that. So I am very excited about our convoy today because I'm sure I will learn some things.

And I know our audience will. I think I smell a possible two-parter. We have lots to discuss. Lots to talk about, lots to get through. So I want to start with the most basic and that is your background. You know, I know I gave a little background in the intro, but what drew you to this line of work and what is the work that you do? Yes, so I'm a women's dating coach.

I help single women who are ready to find their dream partner and build a healthy, committed relationship, but dating just isn't working for them. So I help them bring joy, confidence and intention back into the dating process. And the reason why I am so fueled to help women date with more intention is because of how much I struggled in my own dating life when I was single and dating before I met my husband. When I was 27, I got out of a serious relationship and entered into the unknown.

The void. Yes. The void. Yes. The void. Yes. Being single, dating and not knowing when I was going to find my partner. And this phase lasted a little bit longer than I had hoped it would. And through that process, I was constantly finding myself in situationships and dealing with bad behavior from the people that I was meeting. And it really took a toll on my mental health. And I just wasn't receiving the type of love that I knew that I truly, truly desired. And deserved. And deserved.

Absolutely. And that was my first time. And, I was like, I didn't know that I was going to find the right partner for my partner. Yes. Quality love. And I had to ultimately take a step back and say, okay, we can blame it all on the men, but we don't do that here because I'm the common denominator where we can only control ourselves and I know that there are good quality men out there. How do I shift how I'm approaching dating in order to find them? That's unbelievable.

your focus is dating with intention. Can you put a little color on that for our audience? And for me, actually?

Yes, exactly. So often we go into dating, thinking we want chemistry, we want vibes, right? We just want someone. There's nothing wrong with that. All of those things are important. When I say dating with intention, I mean, what are you looking for in a relationship? Do you want to be in a committed, lasting partnership, maybe a marriage if that suits you? Not everybody wants that. But if that's what you want, date with that goal in mind, which looks very different than dating, casually,

just to have fun. It means getting clear with yourself on what you want out of a relationship. How do you want to feel with your future partner and having the confidence to express that and be able to identify early on dates one, two or three? Whether the person that you're seeing aligns with not only what you want in a relationship, but also do they match your value system? Do they want to build the same lifestyle that you do? So thinking about it from that compatibility angle.

Now let me ask you something because this is something that I struggle with as well. I do. I love chemistry. That's a drive of energy. I love chemistry. I kind of thrive off of that. Right. And unfortunately, that hasn't done me great really in the past. I mean, for a little bit, sure. But you know, after a while, sometimes that can also go astray. Right. And now you're left with sometimes feeling vapid, right? You're feeling kind of just like, okay, that was great for what

it was. And now I'm kind of seeing this person for who they really are. But do you feel dating with intention and based on your personal experience as well, once you start shifting your energy, once you start feeling people's energies, because I've mentioned many times on this pod that I love to meet people in person because I like to feel energy. You know, I told you about my situation and we can talk about that a little bit where I was like shaking from the energy, right?

And so for me, I wonder if you're dating casually and obviously you can meet your person that way. But if you're just thinking about chemistry and you're just saying, you know, I have to be super attracted to this person right away and I have to be super, this makes me super motivated. If you're not super attracted to somebody right away, right? For any reason. And a lot of us have a bad habit of only looking at that. We don't necessarily pay attention to energy or any of those other

things. We have to feel like we're super attracted. How do you get past maybe that fact that you might not be super attracted to somebody right away and actually get to the point that you can find out if you have similar values and beliefs and all that other stuff. So many good questions. A lot in there because it's like, it's like so much, so much to this. So first I'd say let's define the difference between chemistry, energy and compatibility. Chemistry, I would say is that

initial heat and attraction. It's the flood of all the neurotransmitters that are giving you those feel that dopamine man that had hit. Oh, I love it. Yeah, exactly. And I'm not discounting the importance of that. That can be very important in dating. That's what I led with in dating. But what I realized was when that was my primary factor in dating,

I was missing out on the compatibility element. And these would be hot and heavy situationships that would fizzle out within a month because we didn't have anything else to back it up. So it depends what are you dating for, right? And you might not know that going in. But if you want to build a lasting relationship, you also have to look for that compatibility, meaning do they align on your values? Do they have similar worldviews as you? Do they want to live a similar

lifestyle? Do they compliment you? Do they lift your energy instead of drain your energy? Those are some of the things that are important in terms of compatibility, because chemistry could ebb and flow throughout any relationship. Compatibility is really what's at the foundation of creating lasting love and lasting partnership. I agree. And so let's say you meet someone and from a physical attraction standpoint, you're quite sure upfront, but you can tell that

the compatibility is there. Okay, so maybe just give it a few

more dates, right? And see if that builds over time. If it doesn't build, okay, then maybe it's not the person for you, but give a chance for that compatibility to outweigh the chemistry rather than leaving the chemistry. Yeah, I'll pause there and then let's talk about energy. I mean, you obviously have had, we had like a pre conversation and I happen to mention that I am big on energy and I love that you were like, Oh my God, me too. Right?

Because for me, energy is everything, you know, and I've had moments where the energy when we first met was so electric, I thought I was crazy, you know, until 10 minutes later, he texted me and was like, Holy crap, did you feel

that? And I was like, Oh my God, I've never felt like that before, you know, from someone that I've never met before, that I had never talked to before, you know, it wasn't like I had been talking to them and that we met for the first time, it was more like just this crazy, you know, pull. And then it turned into a situation ship and it kind of once I realized that's what it was about, I kind of decided out whatever, I'm not really looking for a boyfriend right

now, let it be. But that energy was something that shook me actually, because I would have thought that I would only have that energy with somebody that was like meant for me, right? Somebody that was supposed to be for me, right? Now we don't know what the universe has is for us, right? You know, and I still talk to him every once in a while. But in general, it's not even like, you know, we had amazing chemistry, amazing compatibility in other ways, right? And an extreme emotional

connection. But other than that, and then that's just it ended up what it was. But that energy to this day, we still we would talk still talk about that because it was wild. Yes, I love that you share this story because it illustrates what it feels like to feel someone's energy. So my motto is be the energy that you want to attract. Amen. And oh my gosh, and you know, you talk about this all the time, right? I love it. Energy meaning when you walk in a room, what does it

feel to be around you? Yeah, right? Are you giving people space to show up as themselves? Are you bringing positivity or authenticity into the room? Or on the converse, are you bringing your tension and your frustration and your road rage into the room? It's almost like they say that that thing that you know, you can have this gorgeous, attractive, perfectly fit teeny tiny woman walking a room and nobody pays

attention to her. And then you have you could have a regular woman like you know, ourselves as anybody walk in the street, and they walk in, everybody goes right to them and just is attracted to them. And the other woman's like, well, what's going on here? Why? And it's just because of that energy, you can feel when somebody drains the energy, or somebody is when you're just attracted to energy. Yeah,

exactly. That's why it's such a huge component in dating. And what you described when you when someone walks in the room and like heads turned, they're like, who is that? I want to know her, I want to go talk to her. That's what magnetic energy is. When people are just drawn to you, based on the essence that you

carry with you. And the best way to cultivate that magnetic energy is by living in alignment with yourself, meaning you are living true to your values, you deeply love and trust yourself. And you have that self confidence that whatever life throws your way, you can figure it out. And you take care of yourself, you feel supported. Those are some of the things to think about as you cultivate that magnetic energy. Love it. And

oh my gosh, yes. And why I talk about this so much with dating is because like tracks like meaning energy attracts someone with similar energy. Oh, okay, think about this on a negative plane. We all have heard the phrase misery loves company. It was the one I was going to say to. Exactly. Yes. So we know what that looks like, right? When someone's deeply unhappy, they attract more of that more bad situations happening in their life, more people that also have bad situations happening in

their life, right? So what we're aiming for is when you're living truly in alignment with yourself, you are shining and glowing, because you just feel good inside and out because you're living true to yourself. That then attracts someone who similarly is living true to themselves. And the way that I work on this with my dating coaching clients is I have them think about how they want to feel in a relationship, then

develop those feelings in their life right now. So for example, let's say you want to feel secure in a relationship, build that security in yourself, that could be as simple as keeping your promises and commitments to yourself. So if you say you're going to go work out after work, go do it. Honor that commitment to yourself over and over and over again, you're building security within yourself so you can attract someone who also has that level of security.

And you're right, I say that a lot and I talk about it a lot in the show how, you know, date yourself, get to know yourself. You know, it's not just always about just self care and face mask. Well, it's nice because it's taking care of yourself, but actually find out what you like. Find out how you are. Feel, trust yourself, feel worthy of yourself. First, you know, if you like to go to a movie, then just go to the movie. You know what I mean? Like you want to go and buy yourself a nice dinner,

go to a restaurant, you know what I'm saying? Take yourself on a vacation, you know, those kind of things. It's just kind of taking care of yourself so that you can attract somebody who not only may want to take care of you as well, make sure that they put, they put that effort into themselves as well. And then they can also put it into you. And they will understand how important it is that you do that for yourself. Yes. 100%. Yes. What you're saying is so foundational in

attracting a fabulous relationship. When you can love yourself and take care of yourself first, then anyone who comes into your life can see how important that is to you. And it invites them to step up to the plate to say, this is how I treat myself. So I expect anybody in my life to treat me as well as I treat myself. Love it. And that's how you build up the boundaries. It's really incredible. So setting boundaries is really important,

right? Like it's one of those things that you have to do. And the only way to do that is to learn yourself. Because you don't know what you don't know until you take care of yourself. And then when someone else comes in, you can say, whoa, I'm sorry, but I'm not going to accept that. And then at that point, then they can make the decision and you can make the

decision. Oh, she set the boundary. I'm not going to cross that boundary again. And if, and if they do, then that's on you to say, I told you, I made this very clear, and you make those right decisions for you based on having that clear communication of what you will and will not accept. Am I kind of on the right path there? Yes. That is such a good definition of what it means to set a boundary is deciding yourself based on what you will and will not accept based on how your date is showing up.

And think about boundaries in terms of how you engage with them. So you can set boundaries on a few different levels. It could be a communication boundary. If they're not showing up with mutual energy and effort, maybe you stop communicating with them. Or if they're not showing up in terms of building a relationship the way that you want a relationship to feel, then maybe you no longer provide

access to yourself, right? Whether that be no more dates, right, cutting off communication, boundaries can occur on so many levels, it can be access to your body, it can be access to your emotional state. Yeah, even access to finances, right, like spending money to go out on a date. So you can set boundaries on a lot of different levels. But what enables you to do that is what you described, it's knowing yourself and knowing your own standards of how you want to be treated.

And the body one is big. I've noticed a lot these days. And maybe this is with the real influx of online dating since through COVID, right? That people this, I can't believe the amount of people, especially even around our age and old or this point that like, I'm just looking to have fun. I get those things, right? What I don't understand is how a lot of these people be on access just to a body a lot of the time. I almost feel like there's no conscious in it anymore. They

will waste your time. Literally, I've had men leave me some of the craziest messages. I'm like, you don't even know my name. I had one guy tell me, what do I need to know your last name for? Why do you need to know my last name? I'm like, you want to sleep with me. You don't even want me to tell you don't even want to tell me your last name. I'm supposed to allow you to cross. You know what I'm saying? So what is it about this crop? You know, and I speak for women too, because there are

women out there doing it too. It's not just men. But what is it with this crop? That's the nicest way I could put it that are just one, they're so damn forward. Two, they have no filter. And three, they have no interest. And I'm talking even young, the younger ones too, they just have no interest anymore in doing anything traditional. You know, what traditional could be what they consider traditional if it's a

couple that agrees, there's no whatever. I just mean traditional in the sense of actually wanting to get to know somebody before, you know, just saying, I want to hop in bed with you or all the stuff I want to do to you. I'm like, could you imagine something a stranger that and it's all the time. Right, right. And I feel like online dating has made that even more pervasive. And it's gross, like it can be really gross. So that's what it is. Is it just a generational thing?

Was it just because online dating is just such an easy way to say screw it? If they say no, I got 72 other options. Right, right. I wish I could say that I understood why people do that. And I look at it as, okay, many people are coming into the dating world, we'll call it as a as a big pool for a million different reasons. Right, right. I met my husband on Tinder, which surprised a lot of people because a lot of people think

of Tinder with a different lens. And I say, you know what, there were as many different reasons to be on Tinder as there are people on Tinder. And I use that as one of many dating apps that I was on when I was single. Two of my closest friends met their husbands on match. I definitely know for a fact it does work for some. Yes. Yeah. And to me, it was just to be able to find more people to be able to go on dates with. So let's look

at this from our listeners viewpoint, right? So really, again, at the end of the day, you're only in control of yourself, your own reactions, your own behaviors. And if that's a behavior that shows up from someone else, and that does not jive with you, do not engage. You don't have to engage with that unless you feel called to. That's your decision. Isn't it isn't a wild though that people have more balls than they ever would have? Nobody would ever. I mean, it's so rare

that someone would go up to you in the soup. And I say rare, because I'm sure it must have happened, obviously, that someone would go up to in the supermarket and be like, Oh, do you know what I would like to do to you? Oh, my God, do it. You wouldn't have the balls to do it. For some reason, it feels like online dating gave people more guts than they would ever than they would ever normally have. It's wild. It really is. Yeah.

And I feel like because so many women have experienced those kind of unwelcomed messages, people are really burning out on dating apps these days, not getting the results that they're looking for. If that's a relationship, they're spending a lot of time swiping often mindlessly because dating apps

are gamified. It's like a slot machine where you keep swiping and maybe they send a message or get a match and either there's no response or very minimal effort from the guys put into our response, very unlikely to actually pan out into a real live date. So it feels like return on investment of energy and time that people are putting into dating apps just isn't panning out. And so people I'm seeing women pull away from dating apps and really looking for other ways to meet

people to go on dates. So I've been advocating for finding singles events in your city. They there's a huge resurgence of singles events that I feel like you see my Facebook weirdly enough that you're saying that. Yes, there's a huge resurgence. And I am hopeful that they feel very different than they did 10 or 15 years ago. Yes, to go to speed dating. That's a crazy

story. Wow. I was 15 years ago. I'm seeing more of these conscious connection based communities hopping up that are giving people a space that's not an allowed bar to actually have conversation and build connections in a more safe space where maybe you know that someone there is going to be single.

That's very cool. Like, you know, I think and I mentioned to you and I've mentioned to my listeners probably about a year ago, one of my episodes with my friend Jose, and we talked about how I went on Facebook dating, which I didn't know existed until I accidentally clicked on the little icon and it had a profile for me. I was like, is this single or is this always there for everybody? I wasn't sure. And I said, oh, I've never done any kind of I wasn't really even looking for

anything. I was curious, right? It was kind of like a social experiment. And within 24 hours, I was like, I'm done. I cannot do this. Like I cannot do it. And I was looking at it with my sister and it becomes very addicting. You're right, it's gamified. And I'm looking at all these guys and they all kind of look the same. And I said to my sister, this kind of guys are kind of my type. What's going on here? And she says, well, are you liking them? And she goes, well, it's the algorithm.

Well, this guy looks like this. And he's similar to this guy. And I'm going, oh my god, I didn't even think about the fact that they're not changing the algorithm to all these, you know, so I'm sitting there thinking on their side, I must just be one of a thousand faces that are popping up on their screen that look exactly the same as well. It blew my mind. And after 24 hours, I was like, I, it was too much. I tried it again, like a month and a half later, again, out of curiosity to ease my

way in. I haven't looked at it since I closed it off after 25 hours. Again, I was like, this is too much. It's almost like it becomes an addiction because you're just like, this is fun, you know, and then you start to get these messages and you're like, now I can't even, now I don't even know what to do. You know what I mean at that point. So it's really crazy. And I like the idea of singles events. Since our listeners, I mean, look in your areas because I did see on

Facebook stuff pop up. I'm not necessarily looking for anybody at the moment. So I'm not going to say I'm going to be at any of them in time soon. However, I have no problem, you know, accompanying somebody there for, you know, emotional support. Right? Oh, why not? I don't mind meeting new people. No. So I need something. We talked about how I was in a situation ship, right? Really decent guy, beautiful at first. And then after a while, I'm like, oh yeah, now I know you a

little more. You're just like everybody else, you know, and cool dude, really nice, good heart, but you know, got his own stuff going on. And and because of that, we didn't necessarily graduate into any kind of relationship, which in a way is good and for us, right? So for people that are not looking for a situation ship, and we know they're very rampant

these days, right? What would your definition of a situation ship be? And how do you think it differs from a traditional relationship? And what are some signs to realize that you're actually in one? Yes, it was such good questions because it's a term that's thrown around. So let's talk about what this actually means. When you meet someone, you start hanging out, you start doing the things that you

would do in a dating process, right? Likely, and you either don't have a conversation to align on where would you like to go? Meaning, do you want to someday be in a committed relationship? There are a number of reasons why people might go out and want to date and want to connect. So we never want to assume that they want the same things as we do. That was my mistake in dating. I knew that I wanted to be in a committed relationship and I just assumed, oh, we're we're going on

dates, we're spending lots of time together. The chemistry is there. It feels like we're really connecting. Oh my gosh, this must be going some place. Of course, and it's not abnormal. That's completely with a normal, warm, blooded person would think, right? Yeah, right. But I was operating under assumption. That they wanted the same thing that I did and I never stopped to actually ask. This is why people say communication is the most important thing in relationships. Agreed. You

assuming does not get you usually what you want. No. Right? You really have to ask and in a in a nice way, in a safe way that encourages dialogue and to understand what are they hoping to get out of this dating process? Because otherwise, I was building a fantasy in my head that never panned out and then a month in when I was ready to start, you know, taking it to the next level and they said, oh, wait, I don't want anything serious. I'm like, oh, I knew that four weeks ago where I

felt a whole fantasy in my head. Exactly. And you know, I love the good fantasy. I mean, in every Disney movie, in every couple that you meet somebody you fall in love, you have your night in shining armor, you know, and you don't have to be the damsel in distress, but you get your man, right? Eventually, you get your man who really ends up being shallow and vapid. If you look many of those princes, that's just what they were anyway, right? And I think that's my opinion. A lot of what

happens is situationships too, right? You do. You waste your time building this person up, building this relationship up, and then you wonder as well, well, is it because self-esteem issue, right? Why don't why would you be okay spending that time with him? We don't want anything with me. What is it about me that you don't want this with, right? It's never about you saying the other person just, it's really nothing

on me. And I think that takes a lot of that self-awareness that you have to learn to date with intention to realize that it's really not about you. Exactly. Exactly. And so many women try to convince themselves and they say, if I prove that I'm worthy of being loved, then he'll love me. Or if I just show up and I'm good enough, meaning I've bent and shaped myself to exactly what I think he wants, then he'll date me, then he'll commit to me. No, that is a recipe for disaster. I

learned that lesson way too many times. And it's heartbreaking when I look back at that woman and I say, who is that woman trying to be someone she's not for a man? And then sometimes you look at who the man was and you go, are you serious? Are you serious? Like, why? Why? Because we get into that mode where it's like, it has to be about me. So if somebody's in a situationship that wants to get out and they feel like just stuck, I mean, what is your advice for someone who's

like, I actually love them. I'm actually this relationship and this situation ship and I actually love this person, but I know I'm never getting anything out of it and I realize now I can't do this anymore. What would your advice be to them, to that woman or to that man? Yes. Start by pouring energy back into yourself. Really like, take the time to take care of yourself, hone into your own needs. Start building that self love back up because it's probably been

eroded in a situationship. You're right. And you've probably muted your own intuitive voice that's telling you what you need. So start listening to it again and then you can come back to your situationship from that place of more self worth and empowerment and say, actually, I deserve more. Right? I this is what I want in a relationship and this isn't giving that to me. So I need to cut it off or I need to

set a boundary around it. So there is a lot of courage that it takes because when we get stuck in these situationships, especially if it's been going on for months and months, it can feel like I'm never going to get anything more than this. You know, if I give this up, oh my gosh, I have to start from scratch again. I feel that that's upsetting. It is. Yeah. Really. It really comes back to

choosing yourself because you are worthy of more. You know that you have more love to give and you want to receive that back. So it's a reminder for every woman and every man, right? You deserve to be in a healthy loving relationship with someone who chooses to be with you everything. Say it again for the people in the back. Who chooses to be with you. Not someone you are begging to be with you and stay with you when they're just doing it because they feel bad or

they're trying to be nice or whatever. Right? Or if you're giving them the girlfriend treatment without the title of girlfriend, well, they're enjoying it. They're not going to cut you off. That's right. They're enjoying every bit of that side of the bed is mine and she don't have another man in there because she thinks I'm her man yet I'm doing God knows what when I speak to her every week, every two weeks, you

know what I'm saying? Oh my goodness. So you have to decide, you know, what are your boundaries of what do you, what are you only willing to give to someone if you're in an exclusive relationship? That's hard too. I've read a lot of self-help. I love self-help. I love love stuff. I mean, I read five books at a time. It's ridiculous, but all different types of genres, right? And I feel a lot and I've talked

about it again as well on my other episodes. I feel that a lot of times they say the first thing to do and I think I heard you mention as well is if you're not one getting something that you want out of it out of somebody, right? You feel like somebody is just not giving you the attention that you think you deserve, that you know you deserve, not think that you know you deserve, that for any reason that you're

just putting in more time than they are. So just pull to pull back your energy, completely pull back your energy, right? And you've set it to focus on yourself. So my question is when do we feel that that's worthy to do that for a person, right? Like how do we know in your opinion who's worthy of just pulling back or who's worthy of saying I'm done with

you? Isn't it a game to say I'm going to pull back my energy and then he's going to go, oh no, she's not paying attention to me and she's and he's going to come back and then now I want now we're starting something else and it's like, oh no, and now he's pulling back again. Doesn't it become like a weird game of cat and mouse in a way? Ooh, good question. Good question because I am not someone who advocates for games. I don't like manipulation in the

dating process at all. So I would say this is about regrounding in self love and being able to tune into your own intuition and make decisions based off of that. We so often have blinders on when we are caught up in that

chemical cocktail of all the neuro treatment. We love it. Come in that chemistry and so sometimes it's really hard to take those blinders off. So I think coming back to yourself tuning in and really sitting with yourself and saying, is this everything I want in a relationship? Do I feel truly loved, truly cared for, truly supported,

truly seen, understood and chosen by this person? And if the answer is no, then that's where you have to have the courage to say, I know it's scary to cut this off, but it is so worth it to be able to find someone who will give you all of that. That's that's what I had to do. I was single and dating in these situationships well into my thirties and I finally had to come to terms with myself and say, this isn't the type of love and relationship that I

want. I know deep in my soul, I want an incredible love in my life, an incredible partner and I had to like draw a line like for myself, for the universe. Yeah, the universe is yes. I energetic up level and say, I am no longer tolerating any kind of relationship that does not align with what I truly want, which means I say no to anybody that is giving situationship vibes that's not looking for commitment and I'm only available to the people

that want commitment. So of course, then I met my husband very soon after that because energetically, I was ready for that. I was right. Person who wanted to be in a committed relationship. That's right. I think about just

all over a year ago, I would say when I started in that situation, I had just been coming off of the the breakup of my of my marriage with the man I thought was the love of my life, right? So then I was kind of so in my wild oats for a while and even after that, it was more of a comfort to me, right? It was that feeling of I need to feel like I'm wanted, like I'm desirable because this man for so long because of what he was doing, I felt like I put all his crap on me and I

made it about me, right? Oh, I'm not active enough and all this kind of stuff. And then I went out and I was like, well, I'm gonna feel real good about myself and I'm gonna have fun and I did. When I wasn't looking for this situation ship, that's when it kind of popped up and that

energy popped up, right? And I would say like the first three months, it was very like hot and heavy, but there were times at that point too that I wouldn't speak to him for a while and I remember thinking to myself and again, I didn't even have the thought of situations in my head for me who had not dated in a very, very, very long time before even situations. I had a title, right? I didn't even realize that might be what it was and I used to dwell so much on why is he not calling? It's

gotta be me. Oh my god, you know, never once at any point, I was just falling back into that same rhythm I was in. Right. Instead of saying, you know what? Let it go. It's nothing on you. It took me about six months to say hell no.

No. And I know damn well I deserve better than that and I made that very obvious and I said it. Once I realized I made that conscious choice to stay in that situation ship meeting more of a friend when we hang out. We see each other great if we talk, but now I don't dwell on it anymore. It doesn't hurt me anymore. Right. You know, I shifted that energy to the point that I'm like, you do you, I'm gonna do me and good luck to you. You know that kind of thing. Yeah.

You know, when you're dating and when you're online dating or dating in general, right? I know for me now what a lot of red flags are, right? So, in general, what would you consider immediate red flags and a caveat to that? We know that there's a lot of narcissists out there. There's a lot of serial daters. There's a lot of serial baby daddy's looking to knock up more women. There's all those things out there, right? And they will put on a show for a while. At that point, you

some people are hooked. So, how would you how does someone avoid serious red flags and once you see them, how do you break free of those and and decide what it is you will or will not accept? Yes. Such such an important thing to explore. I would say the the very base of it. Are they respectful to you or not? And if they're not respectful, it's

an immediate goodbye. A great flag. Agreed. Right. And then I would say, you know, for for some of those more long game things that you described like a narcissist or love bomb or

things like that. I think I'm gonna say the same thing that it comes back to that self love because if you have a rock solid foundation in yourself, right, then it is easier to say, hey, something might be off here because those type of daters, someone who's dating like a love bomb or a narcissist or whatever, they're looking for vulnerabilities to latch onto. Yes, they are. Yes. And so a vulnerability could be if you don't feel like you are worthy of full healthy love,

right? Then they'll they can latch on to that and make this show like they're giving you everything that you need. You can't get this from anybody else. But really what they what you want to watch out for is are they trying to distance you from your own inner truth? Are they trying to distance you from your friends and family who might be you know, outside perspectives, right? Check you on what's going on. So think think about that. Do you feel like you can fully show up as

your amazing unique self and feel empowered to do that? Or do you feel like you have to bend and shape yourself or shrink yourself? Drink yourself with this person. If you feel like you're shrinking and you start noticing you're you're holding your tongue on things or you're suppressing your needs, you're not asking for what you want. Those are all things to watch out for to say maybe or your gut is telling you something doesn't feel quite right. And I always say gotta listen to

intuition. That intuition we as women and again, I'll say I'll say for men. I don't really know for men, but I I know for a fact for women that is a superpower and we just have to tap into it. And it's not always easy to do that. Take self-awareness and practice and really listening to that gut feeling that you know can save people's lives. I mean, let's

be realistic. It can save your life. For our listeners, you know, if you're not sure what a narcissist is or if you're a narcissistic abuse relationship, I do have an episode about that. You can look and you know, check on my on my page and you can see that there. It's a long episode, but it is truly worth it because I survived that narcissistic relationship actually more than once. Please go and check that out because

it's really important. People out there really, I mean, there's genuine wonderful people out there of course that are in the same you know situations we are. Sometimes you just want someone to talk to a companion. There's nothing wrong with that, but a lot of us sometimes get just completely wrapped up in in these these situationships that some are narcissistic. Others are just opportunistic, right? So we have plenty of scammers out there. Be real careful online. Oh my

gosh. I say always that's just really a really a crazy thing. It's like some of the stuff on your people that DM you when you find out they're like in Nigeria somewhere, but they're they're pretending to be somebody, you know, somebody in the army. I've had a few since stuff to me and I'm like, yeah, okay, I've have had to prove to them. I know who you are. So there's a lot of stuff out there. Please do your your research

and be careful online. I really wanted to put that disclaimer out there because you know, as many good people as there can be in as much as you can find the love of your life as you were blessed to do so. You know, for the one you might find there could be 25 that are just opportunistic and really could hurt somebody. I think that's part of the reason we

talk about communication, right? And and red flags because the only way I feel and again from experience now that I've gotten past certain parts of my life and I've done a little

bit of the dating here and there. People can only fake nice for so long, you know, before little bits start to come through, old habits start to show up that you were like, that's new and I think it's really interesting that so many of our experiences and dating or relationships is just does so much shaping of who we are, you know, and our clarity sometimes, you know, and I think it's important for women and for men to really, really learn yourself. It just makes no

other sense otherwise and it's a process. It's painful. I'm not even going to pretend it's not painful. You know, I still have moments where I go back and a lot of times it's when I'm around my exes that all of a sudden I feel myself being triggered and getting pulled back and I thought about what you

said and that was today actually. We think I was talking to my to my daughter's father and I just all of a sudden I was in my twenties again married to this man who was just a mess and I couldn't stand and I was just trying to escape from and I was just like, why? Why am I letting you in my energy? Why am I letting you bother me? I'm the common denominator. That's my biggest problem. I'm the common denominator. So, it made me go

back and say, well, I know I wasn't the problem. Okay, let's put it that way because they have documented diagnosed problems, right? So, that wasn't on me but every single time to this day that they still gaslight me, they still make me look like I'm crazy because now I'm getting all excited because they're triggering me again. See it now. I can see it now and that to me is the hardest thing about being I think really

being self-aware. Once those rose color glasses come off, what I just talked about today's episode, when those rose color glasses come off, I am the poster child for regression. I really am. I really am because it depends who I'm around. I sometimes shrink back into this person and I go, oh no, no, no, no, absolutely not. You know for a fact who you are and I'll be that person and I think with red flags that's really important to have is that self-awareness enough to go

to go absolutely not. This does not align with me at all. Yes and that's why dating in your 30s, your 40s, beyond or dating after divorce, honestly I feel like can be so much more empowering because you know yourself better. Because you know what you're no longer willing to tolerate in a relationship and you can then open yourself up to what you do want in a relationship. You have more clarity hopefully if you've given yourself the gift of that

self-discovery. You can have more clarity going in to really again be more intentional about what you're looking for in a relationship. In your opinion, with somebody who's starting over, whether it's divorce, whether it's a death, God forbid, whether it's just a breakup in general, a significant breakup, right? How does someone rebuild their self-esteem? How does someone rebuild their confidence? Other than, I mean, we know that there are

self-love practices to do that because we know that's number one, right? That should always be. But even when you're so sunk in the ground, you're so defeated, you are grieving, you don't know how you're going to move on with your life without this person. All of a sudden, they could have been the worst person in the world but all of a sudden now you're going, maybe they weren't so bad. Maybe they weren't so bad, right? Your

entire identity goes out the window. So for someone who's starting over after a significant breakup, how do they get themselves back? How do they find that deep place that all of a sudden they stop crying and they go, it's okay to miss this person because I miss what I thought we had. I miss what we did have but now I need to move on. And it's so important to do that before jumping back into the dating scene. So what are your opinions on that? Yes, and I love that you use the word

identity because I think when we're in a couple, right, that becomes a part of our identity. Oh, yes. And so it becomes an effort of reclaiming your identity as an individual. Let it be fun. Go explore who you are now because you're different than the last time that you were single. So, yes. Oh, yes. Like you said, listening to those little nudges of like, do you want to go to that movie? Okay, treat yourself. Go to the movie even if

it's by yourself. Do you want to go try out that new restaurant in town? Go try out that new restaurant. Go sit at the bar by yourself and have a solo date night. It's listening to all those little nudges of allowing yourself to be like, what would feel really good for me right now? What would I love to do right now? What do I want to explore? And just following them one by one by one, it's going to be a process. Yes. Right? Is this not an overnight thing?

Yeah. It's also like fine. So that's, you know, refinding yourself, but also refinding your support system. Often that might mean reconnecting with your friends or your family or even finding a new supportive community that you can explore more of yourself and expand more of yourself. I'm curious how have you worked through that process in your life? In the beginning, I was so lost. I was, it had me physically sick. I gained a ton of,

ton of, ton of weight. And I'll tell you what, you get to an age that is a lot harder to get off. I'm still struggling, but it was, it was, I made myself all about, I thought that I was about me until I lost that piece of me. And then I realized I'm only about him. And I was like, how the hell does, how the hell does that happen? And in the beginning, I was in such denial. In the beginning, I was like, I don't care what was done, what happened.

I'm not giving up on this relationship. I didn't want to get married the second time. I got convinced to do so. And now I have to fight this through. And I did everything from going to psychics. I'm a very spiritual person. So all those things to me weren't crazy. I had to remove him. I literally had to extricate him from my households because of what it was doing to me. And even then, I was like, I need, I need to know right now, is everything going to be saved?

Is everything going to go back? I did everything. And then one day I'm talking to my friend, Jose. And he said to me one time, and I'll never forget, he said, do you know the opposite of love and hate? And I said, what? And he said indifference. He said, as soon as you start to feel indifferent, when you realize you're giving everything and still getting nothing in return, that's when the pain starts to subside. Wow. That's when you start to come out of that show and

realize you have to focus on you. He said, when you can think about your ex and it's not that you, you may not, or may or may not love them still, you may or may not hate them. But when you can look at them and literally feel just completely nothing like indifferent, not numb because we know numb is avoidance, right? Just purely indifferent. Like, wow, I don't believe you mattered so much. Again, take off the rose colored glasses. That's when you can finally say, wow, I need to take

care of myself. And that's exactly what happened with me. And it took me some time. It definitely did. And now sometimes you ever see those memes that you, you ever see those memes that the woman is like, or someone says, my goodness, I ever look at your ex, I wonder what the hell I was thinking or why did this person make me so weak in the knees to begin with, right? Once you get to that point, to me, that was, that was the catalyst I needed. Him saying that was the catalyst I needed.

It's just the opposite of love and hate is just indifference. How powerful. Yeah. To love that shift and being able to work beyond the grief, because of course there's grief when you're losing a relationship. And I'm sure you're experiencing a range of emotions, right? Everything from love and hate to in between. And that that shift, it's almost a detachment to say like, they no longer control my emotion or my energy or how I'm showing up in the day. I get to decide that.

Yeah. It was, it was taking the power back. Yeah. It was so freeing. And that's something that I loved about it was taking the power back, saying, I don't need to anymore be about you because that wasn't enough for you either. Right? Like it didn't matter what I did for you. It didn't matter what I did to myself for you. It didn't matter that I nearly killed myself to get you help to do the things you needed. It didn't matter because you still were going to do what you were going to do.

And now you deal with the consequences. I'm not dealing with the consequences anymore. And you know, of course my situation was very traumatic, very, very traumatic. I think every breakup shapes you in some type of way. You know, like I know a lot of women that they've never been married, but they've been in relationship after relationship, significant relationships. Right. And it just, it really starts to shape your view of the next relationship. And it's really

interesting. And I'm so happy for you that you were able to find your person because Thank you. Really not easy out there to do. And I want so much, I think so much we need in this world, people who just want to give love, want to accept real love. Yeah. And it can really give themselves happily to somebody so that that person doesn't have to add anything else to them.

They can just be happy with them. I think, and I think that what you're doing for women is wonderful. I'm going to, I have one more question to ask you because I'm curious about the starting over for, for people that are again, just trying to start over or in general, just going out there, whether it could be the first time, you know, what are some serious pitfalls that someone should look out for or avoid when starting over or when dating or whatever the

case may be? Good question. Well, sort of the process that I lead women through in dating coaching, of course, starts with that, that foundation of self love, the energy, then the next piece is healing your past dating patterns. Oh, is right. Just like you're talking about when you're coming out of these really serious relationships, you're so shaped by those relationships. Oftentimes, we tend to seek out the same type of relationship. It's

unconscious. We don't even realize that we're doing it. So there really is a need to take a closer look at why did you attract those type of partners, right? Was it free relationship is a mirror? It's holding up a mirror to show us something about ourselves. So now I want to caveat, right? If you're in like an abusive relationship or a narcissist relationship, please do not take that as it's your fault. That's not the message that I'm

sending here. Agreed. But relationships can hold up a mirror to help illuminate things in ourselves to help us learn more about ourselves. So it's really important to look back and say, okay, how was I showing up that that felt like a good match at the time? Yes. And especially if you tend to date the same guy over and over again, just with different names, I still do. I love a bad boy. Right? Like digging into those patterns and saying, okay, what is it about

that that I was attracted to? Right? How can I shift away from that and do some healing around that? If that type of relationship wasn't serving you, right? Copy that. Then how can you show up differently to attract a different type of relationship or a different dynamic? I think that's an important pitfall that people tend to get back into the same type of relationship. Yes. Because it feels familiar. Our brains love familiarity, even if it was bad for us.

This is familiarity, even if it's chaos or whatever, rather than choosing the good. So we have to consciously choose something better for us. I love that. And you know what? I keep using the word choose here. And I want to come back to this because when I think about my marriage, I'm now I'm two and a half years in. So it's still pretty. Oh, you're still newly wed. Yeah, I still newly wed. But we both look at it as we choose to be in relationship with each other

every single day. And the hope is that we continue to choose for the rest of our lives. Right. But really, like this is a conscious choice. I never want to be in a position where we're just running on default or running on auto drive and taking each other for granted. Right. We really choose to show up in our relationship every single day. So beautiful. The point of that is so when you're making that conscious choice, nobody feels like they are in a situation they don't want to be.

Right. That shows that you can have that communication when any of you is not happy about something. All of that is a choice because you're like, this is who I want to be with. Right. People have choices to do stuff that they shouldn't do that ruin and destroy. And the fact that you and your husband are so keen on having that communication and choosing to do that. I pray for future blessings like I really do for you and you know what the form of marriage I really do. Let me,

I realized I did have one more question because again, I speak about this all the time. I live it. I do live it myself and it takes practice. I know in your practice of helping others, it says that you use mindfulness and manifestation within your practice. So would you mind giving

listeners just an idea of what that means for you? Yeah, absolutely. So with the mindfulness, it's actually a lot of what we've talked about here today around tuning into yourself. So I offer guided meditations to help women tune into themselves and be able to identify how they feel or identify what they want or need. And I think that's really again at the foundation of dating from a place of empowerment, mindfulness and self-awareness.

There are for the people in the back. Yes. And then from a manifestation standpoint, really the whole process is around becoming that energetic match to the partner that you want,

like we talked about. So how are you showing up? What energy are you bringing in? And of course, healing your past patterns and shifting your identity to open up your system, like your nervous system to say deserve to be in this type of relationship that you do want, that that is available to me, that is safe for me rather than choosing familiar chaos or unsafe.

It's rewiring, right? It's rewiring of your brain. If someone can be brainwashed one way, you can be brainwashed the other and you can easily brainwash yourself into being a better version of yourself. Why not take the power of that and turn it on its head, right? Do the opposite of everything you've been doing. If you're out there and you're doing all this stuff and you're like, I don't get why I'm not getting anybody good, it's because, okay, look internally first.

Say to yourself, I'm deserving. Pray for your future husband. Yes. Pray for the man that you already know is out there. You just have to find each other. Exactly. Because or your future wife, whatever it may be, pray for that person because that person could be anywhere. That person could be in the Dollar Tree and standing at the grocery line with you. Thank you so much. I'm so glad that you were on here.

Can I shout out the earrings? Okay. Lauren came completely prepared with the Prosecco earrings and I'm jealous because I need a pair. I'm going to go find me a pair. I love them so much and thank you so much for wearing them and looking lovely. I'm so glad that we're able to have this conversation. Yes. My Prosecco earrings, I actually wore on my wedding day at our reception because truly, I am a bubbly Prosecco queen myself and really just love it.

Everybody can be a Prosecco queen. If you're a queen, if you believe in yourself, if you out there doing badass things, you are a queen. If you're doing nothing but being an amazing person in the world, you are a queen and we share so much queen energy and we put that energy out there and I want to wish good luck to everybody in the dating world because I don't know when or if I'll feel like joining that again. But if there's still breath in my lungs,

I'm sure I'll try again at some point. I would leave that parting words for our guests that if you want romantic love, go find it. You deserve it. You are worthy of it and it is absolutely available for you. Sometimes you just need an example of it, an expander, a role model to show you what's possible. So keep the faith, keep going and you will find the love that you deserve.

And in those wonderful words, ask you where can our listeners reach out to you and I'll also put it in my show notes so everybody knows but where can they find you, get your services if they like, read more about you, etc. etc. Yes, you can find me on my website, laurenfundreast.com and on Instagram at Lauren Fundreist. Wonderful and that's a wrap on today's episode of Prosecco Queen's podcast.

So to our audience, if you're walking away from this conversation feeling more confident, more intentional and a little less willing to entertain situationships, then mission accomplished. Dating isn't just about finding someone, it's about finding yourself first, setting standards and honor your worth and make sure that every yes you give is one that actually serves you. A huge thank you to Lauren Fundreist for sharing her wisdom, your energy and all the game changing

tools to help us date with purpose. If today's conversation spoke to you, be sure to check her out for even more guidance on how to attract the love you truly deserve. And as always, if you love this episode, don't forget to subscribe, share and leave a review. It helps keep the Prosecco flowing and the conversations growing. Connect with me on social media and on YouTube at Prosecco Queen's podcast or at ProseccoQueensPodcast at gmail.com and let's

keep the discussion going. Until next time, keep your standards high, your energy magnetic, and your glass full. Cheers to loving yourself first and attracting the kind of love that's worthy of you. See you next time for Prosecco Queen's Fam. Peace out.