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Learn more and shop now at DrRodgers.com. uh Just go to Talkspace.com and you'll be paired with a provider typically within 48 hours. And because you'll meet your therapist online, you don't have to take time off work or arrange childcare. You'll meet on your schedule. Plus, Talkspace is in network with most major insurers and most insured members have a zero dollar copay. Make your mental health a priority and start today.
If you're not covered by insurance, get $80 off your first month with Talkspace when you go to Talkspace.com and enter promo code SPACE80. That's S-P-A-C-E-8-0. To match with a licensed therapist today, go to TalkSpace.com and enter promo code SPACE80. uh Welcome to Privy, a podcast about bathrooms and the many things that we find in them.
I'm Hunter Hoover and I love bathrooms and am convinced that the more we look at the history and etiquette and culture around privies, the more thankful we will find ourselves. And in my time working around and in and on top of toilets, I would say that one of the senses like you use your visual sense quite a bit. But one of the senses that you often come into play when we start talking about toilets is that sense of smell.
And that makes sense because the things that we produce smell extremely bad oftentimes. And I'm a janitor and duty calls. I get it. I'm not trying to get anybody to feel bad for the things that they do in the bathrooms, but sometimes they smell. That's just fair. And that's just honesty. So There is one sense that those with any amount of social awkwardness are acutely aware of when it comes to bathrooms and privies and that is the sense of sound.
And so in short, the things we do in the bathroom to tell the truth, they create sound. And as with most things that happen, particularly on the toilet, those aspects and the sounds that we make when we're in the bathroom, They can be unpleasant. So too are the feelings of perhaps the people on the other side of the door or the other side of the stall or outside past the reaches of our uh potting space.
So today we enter stealth mode and we're going to talk about uh the ways in which the things we do in the bathroom can be made more quiet. uh And so these are going to be uh privy's stealth bathroom tips. And the most intuitive tip, we're going to begin. So the goal of this is to give you some things to help you uh bathroom more quietly if that is something that you care about. uh And if it's not, that's fine. Good for you. You just make as much noise in there as you want.
I ain't going to stop you. Mostly because I'm not going to accompany you. So the most intuitive tip for silencing our soil making. is to create as much space between ourselves and the toilet we're going to be using and where others are going to be. So the idea here is, is if you have a single toilet that you're going to be using, you are going to want to separate yourself from the crowd.
And what I mean by that is, is if you're in a home and there's a single bathroom, or let's say there's two bathrooms and there's an upstairs and a downstairs, and your guests are gathered downstairs, just go upstairs. Separate yourself farther from where the bigger group of people are going to be.
Or if you're in a public space, this means that if there's the choice to uh leave droppings or make spray that is farther away from where someone else is doing those things, choose the farther away option. The space in between is going to help you create less sound that is detectable by someone if they're closer to you. Yeah, so it's common sense. And the more footage, the more like actual space between yourself and others, the less they are going to hear the thing that you are going to do.
And this again applies to both single stall and stalled bathrooms. Just put distance. It's the most basic thing you can do. Create space. uh And you know, we're living in a time where we're being told that you need to have six feet and throw your elbows out and get a yardstick and have six feet. Same thing here. Create space. This time to keep you safe from embarrassment from the sounds that you could possibly make while you're doing your duty.
But it's likely if, if your bathroom uh making and time spent in your privy is long or aggressive or that type thing that just making space is not going to be enough. This is not going to get the job completely done. And so there's a couple of solutions to this problem. We're going to be discussing primarily the pooping portion of bathroom experiences. So this is when you are sitting, hopefully, and you are excreting.
You have to go and you put that dreaded toilet lake and I'm talking about that, that just small pool of water that is just waiting underneath your hands for the tinkle of pee or the kerplunk of a turd breaking the surface tension and just, it just, I mean, it just sounds terrible. And there's a couple of solutions to this problem to keep the sound of just like, just suction blast turd hitting water. There's a couple of things. First, you can make what I call a landing pad for your waste.
um This takes the form of a couple sheets of, or a couple lines of toilet paper, folded or wadded, and put into the water. So, you're essentially just making a mini life raft for your dookie to land on to keep it from cursplunking into the water and creating the wonderful sound that will be avoided. Now, This will make a different sound. It is the sound of Dookie hitting kind of somewhat wet paper.
um But it's this, the landing craft of a white fluffy surface rather than crashing it, blasting it straight into the water. This serves as kind of like a toilet silencer made out of toilet paper. And it can save you some sound awkwardness. Now, if you are a person who stands when they pee, and you've ever peed onto a somewhat wet pile of toilet paper that's already existent inside the toilet, you will know that that creates some heavy, heavy sound.
ah More so than maybe just, um you know, super soaker and that thing right down into the water. And so the second of these areas gets you away from the landing craft and that is the area of what I call like super distraction or cover up. And it's simple. It uses a bit of other sound rather than a landing pad. So when you go poop or pee, it's just as simple as just giving the toilet a flush at the moment of release.
The sound of flushing, it's gonna serve as somewhat of a cover up and it should hopefully, unless you're creating... such vibrant and loud sounds that a toilet flushing is not able to overcome it, this is going to be pretty effective in all areas unless you're expecting what you are going to do to last a bit. if it's going to be a prolonged sound, a toilet flush is not that long.
The main initial noise is, you know, a few seconds and then there's a little bit of like weird toilet groaning sounds that you so lovingly enjoy at the end of every episode of privy. uh could cover it up, but it's not gonna be long enough. if you're expecting to make lots of long sounds and produce sounds over an extended period of time while you are bathrooming, the toilet flush is not going to do it.
So if the sound of the toilet flush is not long enough, not only are you going to know, like the people on the other side, they're gonna know that you're trying to hide the deed. They're gonna realize, oh wow, he or she just went into the bathroom and there was a flush almost immediately. I wonder... Oh, the sounds are coming. Ah, they're ashamed of the noise that they've made in the bathroom and they tried to cover it up, but the toilet has failed them miserably and now I know.
This for sure has happened to me. I sat down, knew it would be a particularly robust time and this never in like the confines of my home. If I'm doing my thing in my home... care what noise comes out of the bathroom. That's, you know, whatever. But like, if you're in a public place and you know that it's going to be a robust time, hit that flush.
And the worst is when you go, and it does the flush and it goes down and then you're at the tail end of the flush and you're still like, and then it's clunk, clunk, clunk. And nope, I think it was in Walmart. Who can know? Can't remember. But if the flush is too fast, there's another option which does not create as much sound. but it creates sound for a longer period of time if this is a concern to you. And that is that you can turn the faucet on before you go to the toilet.
And I don't know if it'll pick it up. see. Yeah, hit that faucet. The sound of running water, you know, it's not going to cover up as much sound, but it's definitely going to do a little bit to give a sound barrier between you and the outside world. The faucet is not going to be enough. Most bathrooms that are like private restrooms. Now, if you're in a public restroom, this one's not going to work. Sorry.
But if you're in a private restroom, most bathrooms have a lovely bathtub or shower right next to you. So if the water faucet is not enough, I like, I don't think it's going to be loud enough. Just hit that, hit that toilet or sorry, hit the shower faucet, turn that on, even get the like overhead shower going. If you're really worried about it, like get some sound, create some more sound. So Also, just a reminder that creating this sound is the most effective in a single stall bathroom.
If you enter a multi stall bathroom and there's a faucet and you turn that thing on and then you go into the little zone to do your business, someone may come in and they may be tempted to turn it off. And I personally think that that person would be wise and in the right to do so. If you enter a bathroom and there's a mysterious faucet running, it's okay to turn it off. And most places have the automatic on and off, so you're not even going to be able to get away with this anyway.
unless you bring some sort of piece of duct tape and tape it over the little sensor thing, which then you're MacGyvering this thing too far and it's really more complicated and you should probably just make some noise while you go to the bathroom. But you cannot expect the water to remain on the whole time if you are in a multi-stall public restroom. And as noted, you can use bathtub, that will be louder.
But whether you go with tap or bath water, make sure Make sure that you are running cold water. You do not want to be the person who uses all the hot water simply trying to cover up the sound of brown or yellow. And also, like that's a party foul. Like if somebody goes to wash their hands or do some dishes or even take a shower later themselves, you don't want all the hot water to be gone because you pooped and were embarrassed by the sounds you're making. Just run cold water.
Also, If you're running hot water, and especially if you're making brown stink, and you're running hot water, that is going to add to the heat and overall water vapor content in the room, and it's going to produce uh a bigger stench and an end result. And then, honestly, you're moving from having a sound problem to having a stinky problem, and that's not better. Personally, I think a stinky problem is actually worse, and we'll probably have some sort of a guide to help you out in that.
at another time, but that's not what we're doing today. So let's say that you have uh run the gamut and you, you know, you've done your thing, you've run your water and let's say that that's not working. So an overhead vent uh or a fan in the restroom can create enough sound to mask the deed you are doing as well. I do not have my overhead fan vent or vent fan, I don't know what the word is for it. I think it's a vent.
I do not have it on right now and I'm not going to turn it on because doing so is going to produce a level of dexterity that I do not currently in my current form. I haven't leveled up yet. I cannot like dexterously get to the switch. I can see it. It's about eight, four to eight feet away. I'm bad at judging this, but also That sound when I am recording, when I first did this, like that was the biggest barrier. That was the biggest barrier to recording privy is the sound of the overhead vent.
And there's been a number of bathrooms that I've entered and said, man, I could record in this bathroom. This is a cool space. And I turned the light on and it's just... And it's not good. And it makes for lot of fun background noise that I'm sure that you guys would just love to hear all the time. So I've opted for this option and it works out well. But the overhead vent is going to create some sound uh that, you know, and also it's stink. It's pulling stink up and out of the room.
That's a good thing. Or it's a fan and it's pushing it around in the room, which I think also will help alleviate it a bit. I don't know. I'm not a smell doctor. One more, one more sound cover up. this is like, yeah. And one day we're going to talk about cell phone etiquette in the bathroom and it'll be good. But, and this one I think is actually kind of rude, but it's going to serve to cover up the sound of your bowel movement.
And that's to play music or play a video or, and I'm on board for this, play an episode of privy while you're pooping so it can cover up. The sound of the defecating that you're making. The media that you have chosen to put out. Like, whatever you decide to play as the media that you're playing to cover up your bathrooming. Yeah, I guess you just have to decide is that what you want people to hear over the sound of you bathrooming?
Both make a sound and you have to make a choice on which one you want. Yeah, you just got to decide. Are you more worried about someone hearing you poop or more worried about someone hearing your phone sounds? So, uh yeah, it is what it is. So the next tip moves away from the cover up area and moves into what we'll call preventative measures.
uh And I would say one of the loudest sounds in the known universe is the sound of a human fart being just blasted into the echo chamber of a toilet bowl as they begin to poop. There's so much reverb, there's so much echo, and it's one of the loudest sounds in the universe, hands down. And to avoid that terrible, awful sound, try and pass your gas before you pass your blast. See if you can Do the air portion of your bathroom visit before you sit down and do the solid portion to avoid the reverb.
Because if you sit down and you get into place and you start getting ready and you just... That thing is going to honk and it's going to project. And I don't know if any of the sound avoidance tips that we've talked about so far are going to help you if you start farting in toilet. There's one last... m tip and I will admit, so before I get into this, uh this maybe the number one tip for me personally when I have used the bathroom to keep a situation quiet and that is this, to aim better.
I want to note and I found online where people claim to be able to do this while pooping. uh If that's you, You're special and you are a specimen and I applaud you. But from what I can tell, to pull the aim off, you essentially have to maneuver your bungholio to be sort of half on half off. So the poop lands on the porcelain and it comes down like a skateboard coming into the bottom of a bowl and it just slides down perfectly. No diving zone. It's hitting the curb. I don't...
That takes a level of, again, dexterity that I do not have. While I'm pooping, I'm not going to be able to aim my poop towards the side of the bowl. That's just, I don't know. That's not a... You know, there's a lot of things on my table and that's not one of them. I'm not endowed, I don't think, the ability to do that. So, if you are, shout at us. yeah, that ain't me. So... But this idea of aiming can be a game changer when it comes to the area of standing and peeing.
And so this number one, in my opinion, number one tip comes to us by way of a hunter's anecdotes to keep you afloat. So Hunter's Anecdotes to keep you afloats. ah When we were in high school, um we had... I'm trying to remember the time frame, but at one point we were visiting our youth pastor's family. And you know, we had stayed late. I think we were probably like watching a movie or something in the front room. And our youth pastor at the time, I believe, had two children.
And his children were younger. And as you know, there's a time... If you're interacting with kids, there's a time in the evening where the kids go to bed... and the adults do not go to bed and they stay up and they watch movies or they watch shows or they chat somewhat quietly in order to keep the children asleep.
And the goal in this is always to uh find a middle ground of am I making too much noise to ruin the slumber of my child or is it in the butter zone where I'm having a good time and not being obnoxious but I'm also making sure this child is staying asleep.
So they had already struggled to get their children in bed and asleep and it's a chore at times for sure when kids are younger and then right after they had accomplished that task and you know they're they're looking like emotionally a little little ragged from from but it's you know it's worth it my buddy announces that he needs to go down the hall and pee yeah so the the layout of this house again was a hallway
And at the end of the hallway, you know, upfront is like the kitchen and the living room where everybody's doing their thing. But at the end of the hallway, there was three bedrooms, all what seemed to be centrally located around the bathroom. And my friend has now just announced, Hey y'all, I need to go to the bathroom. And you know, it's like, man, surely he's not going to poop. And he was going to pee.
And so we're all sitting in the front room and we're panicking because We know it's going to be loud. And now looking back, I'm not convinced it would have woken the kids up, but we're all moderately concerned about this. And then he goes into the bathroom and we're all waiting to hear that sound that sounds like a waiter trying to get fancy when they're doing the water refill pour.
the, the, like the, the pitcher gets farther and farther away from the cup and the farther it gets, the more robust the cup splashing gets. That's the sound we're waiting to hear. And moments later, he comes out and we're all like, bro, did you even go? Like, did you even take care of stuff in there? And he's like, yeah, what are you talking about? And we're like, dude, it was that was silent. Not a sound was made. And he says, oh, yeah.
So and he shares with us and we're impressed with his silence. He tells us he's like, yeah, I just aimed the stream right along the curb of the bowl. So that way I'm not weeing all over the edge of the bowl. but it's like hitting it and running around the like inside of the bowl and it doesn't hit the water. And pro tip, with proper aim, peeing standing up can be almost completely silent. And he won that moment.
And he was a hero both to us for his revolutionary breakthrough, but also to my youth pastor and his wife for not waking the kids up. And that, that's it. Hunter's Anecdotes to Keep You afloats. And this is also the end of this episode of privy. I hope these tips have been helpful for you to decrease the amount of noise you make when you go. But remember, everyone poops. And the noise that happens in the bathroom, it's fine. Don't worry about it. You're good.
And if you have some some anxiety about the noise you're making. Use these tips, but honestly, you shouldn't you shouldn't have to be worried about. It's a bathroom. you should make bathroom sounds in the bathroom. It's when you bring the bathroom sounds outside the bathroom that it gets complicated.
As always, if you have a comment or if you have your own stealth strategy that was not discussed here, leave us a comment or shoot us an email privycast at gmail.com or you can follow us on social media. We're at privycast on all social media. We'd love to have you follow us. Leave us a rating or review. This is super big and helpful and I, I I appreciate you guys listening to me ask you to do this, but uh leave us a review and just send some out there.
We'll try to read some of those reviews on the podcast and it just helps other people find the show. I want to real quick say thanks to Kevin McLeod for the use of Bar Room Ballet as our intro and outro music. You can find his music on Incompetech.com and his music is licensed under Creative Commons Attribution 4.0. We also want to thank Puddington Bear. for the use of all colors in the world, can find the Puddington Bear and more of their music at PuddingtonBear.com.
And with that, we end this episode as we end all episodes and all trips to the privy. Don't forget to flush. You can't beat spring in the Willamette Valley. Flowers are blooming, the days are getting longer, and the grass in our lawns grows faster every day. All these changes point to the warm weather we all know is just around the corner. Not sure if your air conditioning is up for the challenge? Contact the local experts at Hendrix Heating and Air Conditioning.
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