The bowel movements that I produce are just too grand for the amount of paper you gave me and I need more. we go, welcome to Privy everybody. This week we are on location. I am not in my home, Privy, which is just fine. We're doing something different this week. um So, Privy is a podcast about toilets, bathrooms, and that type thing. And it's recorded from a toilet on top of a toilet. And like I said, this week I'm not at my home toilet.
I'm actually using a space that is at the church I work at. uh This one does not have a lid or a seat cover and so there is about eight to probably six to eight inches between my pants and water and so it's not that high stakes like no one's gonna flush this noise until the end of the episode but like There is it's kind of like mission impossible. I'm hanging ham or hanging covered ham over top of a lake right now and it's a little bit different.
you know, privy is recorded from a toilet and record from a toilet I shall. ah So, uh one of the things that has come up is I have never really talked about who I am. And who I am is going to come up a little bit later because we had an email from someone who listened to an episode last year and we never really got around to reading it. But just to give you a little bio, my name is Hunter Hoover. I grew up in Montana, now I live in Oregon.
Went to school to do ministry, work with teenagers, and working with teenagers is kind of my jam. And I found that potty humor never gets old. And so, um over time, I've had way too many, and as I'm talking to some of the people that I work with, I'm realizing that I have way, way too many stories about toilets and bathrooms. and the heinous things that go on in them. I'm also a janitor, which I've shared.
And so I also have the astute privilege of cleaning up after those terrible, horrible, awful things sometimes. And so the reason I started doing this podcast was because somebody had said something about it in or related to modern medicine and they had made a comment that they feel extremely um privileged and very blessed to live in a period of history where we have access to so much good medicine or medicine that is so effective.
And personally, like I equate that to, um yeah, us as a human race being allowed to make those discoveries. But I started to think about that in relationship to bathrooms and we live in a time in history where, I mean, I'm sitting here in this bathroom uh where I work and like I've got two rolls of toilet paper. There's a dispenser that literally will kick out paper towel at the wave of my hand and there's also a manual soap dispenser. Like we're living in the best times.
We don't have to bury our dookie. At least in this country. We don't have to do that. We have toilets. We have privies and we get to use them. We have running water. We are truly blessed. And so it's out of that thankfulness that privy kind of first got its start. And so today's topic actually comes uh as a recommendation from a listener I mentioned. This email came to privycast at gmail.com if you want to write in with your comments or even uh episode suggestions or just potty thoughts.
Everybody's got good potty thoughts. But this one was written in by a professor of mine when I was in school at Corbin ah and He wrote in actually to over almost a full year ago. So sorry Dr. Troll. Here I am a full year later getting to your email on the podcast. We'll get to the end here. So says, look forward to see how you will digest considerable research on water closets and pass on nuggets of knowledge to us all. Good alliteration. I hope you can squeeze.
Squeeze in the time for this extra work. It can be tough to be creative in a pinch Suggestions for future broadcasts and this would brings us up to our topic today uh Courtesy flushes not what we're doing today under the divider paper sharing That's what we're gonna do an appropriate bathroom conversation topic talking about what do you do when you run out of toilet paper. This is a survival guide for running out of toilet paper and it's this idea that what do we do?
There's nothing much worse than when you're out and about and you have recently dropped brown and now you need to wipe and there's nothing there. You reach for your paper friend and there's no paper friend to comfort you and you're sad and you're upset and what can you do about it? So let's set the stage. I want to set the stage and set some ground rules. We're assuming first that we are not barbarians and that you intend to wipe yourself after you have made leavings.
And the reason I say that is because if for some insane reason you think, well, you know what? I'm not gonna put in any effort to wipe myself. I'm just gonna, you know, hike those bad boys right back up and let Brown meet cloth and just roll out. um No, we don't do that. That's not an acceptable thing that we're going to tolerate. um I mean, I think... think you get there in a pinch if you have to.
But as we're gonna see today, there are a lot of different things that you can do that will serve as good options for you before you have to just sully yourself. um we're gonna assume that in the situations that we will be describing, you had toilet paper on hand and you started the process, and now for some reason, you have run out. and you were not done with the wiping portion of your bathroom trip.
So, you've begun the process, you have finished the drop, the package delivered, and now you need to wipe up that zone. And you reach for the toilet paper and it is there, and it's there, and it's there, and now it's not, and you're out. So this is a survival guide for when you run out of toilet paper. And the first and most easiest, that's bad English, I'm sorry. I started this episode kind of by saying that I had a professor in college and then I just used the phrase most easiest.
Anyway, ah so the easiest scenario is this. You're home alone and you're out of sheet. You're out of white. And I say home alone because if you are not home alone, like if you're at home and there's somebody out beyond the far reaches of the bathroom door on the other side, hello from the other side, obviously you're just gonna shout it out. Done. It's easy. Just shout out, say, I need an assist. Please bring me another role.
And you know, I'm assuming that the person that you live with presumably cares about you. They will come in for the save. They will bail you out. If they are good to you, they will bail you out. And if they don't or won't, may God have mercy on their souls. That's all there is to it. Like if, no. If you're not gonna bail somebody out when they're calling in an audible because they need an extra role, you're just not nice and that's not okay. That's unacceptable.
um But if you are home alone, meaning there is not a homie at which you can holler out to, and if you have more TP somewhere in your home, you need to figure out how to get yourself there and get it. And now this becomes kind of like you're in your own home, so it's, I mean, I think it's perfectly acceptable. to be naked, uh or not naked, but even just bottomless as you go find toilet paper. But the problem is, you don't wanna dribble drop some pluby plop. You know what saying?
don't wanna accidentally plop down some brown while you're on your way to grab some extra toilet paper. That's not great. um And so, if the absolute worst case scenario, if you're really worried about it and you're thinking, man, I've run out and I think there's still too much brown on my booty, to get to where the toilet paper is at. mean, in my home, we keep like a big Costco size bundle pack within arm's reach of my toilet. This ain't happening to me.
I'm not gonna get into this problem at home. It ain't gonna happen. No way. Not a chance. But if you're not that way and you don't have toilet paper in the home, God forbid, first of all, don't start the pooping process and not have toilet paper in your home. That's a recipe for disaster.
But not too bad of a disaster because we'll also assume that you have running water and there is usually a shower within a couple footsteps distance between you and it in the toilet and that's the most complicated way I can say just get in the shower and take a shower. Let the water do what the water does and run all that nasty foul mess away. Get it gone. But what if you're home and you're pooping? and you've run out of paper and you're in a time crunch and you don't have time for a shower.
To that I say, get a different paper product. Get a white bag. Use a garbage bag and flip it inside out and take that stuff outside. Whatever you do, you cannot flush it. Do not flush paper products that are not flushable toilet paper. Don't do that noise. But put it in a bag and remove it and take it out to the dumpster. Do not put it in a different trash can inside your home. That's disgusting. That's foul. Don't do that. Take it all the way outside and remove that.
You want to get rid of all the evidence of the shameful thing that you just did. So get rid of it. And I think when we run out of toilet paper, we aren't really concerned with what we're going to do in our own homes. That's not the problem. The problem is not happening inside the walls of our domicile. They're, they're concerned with what happens if we're in public and we run out of our essential toilet assistant, our paper friend who You know, I think of Mike Rowe on dirty jobs.
said, it's a dirty job and somebody's gotta do it. Like, that is our toilet paper. It's a dirty job and our toilet paper is gonna have to do it. So what do we do when we're in public? And usually in public, like I told you, I'm not at home right now, so I'm technically in public, but there's nobody else here. um Man, I can't imagine recording this with just people at hand. However, if we're lucky, we'll have somebody stumble on in, who knows? It could happen.
Assuming that you are in a multi-stall pooping center, this lends to two key scenarios, accompanied and unaccompanied. And both of these lend themselves to a world of awkward situations, risks, and potential scarring moments in your life. So prepare yourself because if you're socially awkward or if you have some sort of a barrier of social awkwardness around things in the bathroom, strap in because it's social awkward hour and we're diving into the deep end.
First, we're going to tackle the accompanied. This is you are in a public pooping center. And it has a divider or a stall and you are down in with a buddy. There's somebody in a different stall or even just outside the stall, maybe at the sink or at the urinal if you're in a restroom for people who need to stand to pee. And there's this first like almost rule that I want this whole like survival guide to keep in mind. We need to help one another out. 2020 was rough.
2021, it's, you know, we're two weeks in and it's, you know, there's not a lot of confetti firing off so far. And so we need to help one another out. You've ran out of white and you hear the presence of another entity. someone outside your box of private leaveings and it's the moment of truth and if all goes to plan you'll get that sweet sweet TP and never have to meet that person in person. You'll never have to see face and they will never have to see this person that has ran out of paper.
They won't have to interact with you. So that's perfect, Rob. So you run out. It's the moment of truth. You say it, hey brother, sister. I've run out of toilet paper could you get me the roll from one of the other stalls or if they are also doing the deed on the the wall of secrets that divides you and they ask them to pass that noise under the divider it's totally acceptable to answer your question dr.
troll absolutely acceptable pass that paper under it's totally fine and if you make it weird if you you know if somebody and I'm talking to you now dr. troll you know I know you ain't gonna make it weird. But if somebody makes it weird, that shame on you. You're both pooping. Or if you're in the stall, you're in a place where somebody should or could or normally would be pooping. So it's totally fine. Let it be. Let it ride. I think soliciting this will almost always produce toilet paper.
Like, I genuinely don't believe... that there are very many situations where you run out of TP and you solicit from, I'm gonna make another side joke, from the other side, I don't know if I'm, you know, I don't think there's very often that you're gonna solicit that and the person on the other side just starts laughing maniacally and says, tough luck, bud, you're gonna have to scramble now. That's just not gonna happen. You're gonna get some.
Help a homie out, get him a role, because one day you're gonna need this So don't Don't withhold the toilet paper. And make sure that when you pass toilet paper, that you're passing enough paper that you would need to get the job done. Don't give them like a sheet of six pieces because then they're going to be barking at you in like 30 seconds, hey, can you hook a homey up? All right, you didn't give me enough.
And that's worse because now they have admitted, hey, the bowel movements that I produce are just too grand for the amount of paper you gave me and I need more. Anymore from you. It's also totally appropriate when you hand that under if you are the one who is doing the passing to just say, hey, hey friend, we're friends now, by the way, because if you're sharing toilet paper, that's friendship. Hey friend, is this enough toilet paper for you? Like, would you like more?
Can I, can I please assist you in getting more? Please tell me now. Hey there chap, I got you enough to wipe 10 more times. Is that enough? Like, no, I'm- Just kidding. So get them the toilet paper and feel free, I guess to judge, but keep it to yourself because everybody has their own problems that they're dealing with and you don't need to just, just give them the toilet paper. um Next is God forbid that tyrant decides that they are too good or too stuck up or too whatever to get you the TP.
Shame on them. And I would like to remind you of the golden rule, which says do one to others. as you would have them do unto you. If you just defecated and didn't have a sheet to wipe and asked someone to fetch it and they declined, you would be furious. You also have a dirty butthole, and rightfully so, because there's no reason for them to not help you. There's no reason for you to not help somebody else. Help one another out. 2021, help each other. Hook a brother up.
If you have received aid, There might be some apprehension to encounter your guardian brown wipe supplier angel. And that's totally fine. It can be awkward to have just received toilet paper under the super secret divide and now maybe have to face that person when you leave the area. And that's understandable. I get that. I mean, wait until you hear them leave. It's that easy. Like, wait until you hear them exit the bathroom and once you have... Flush and wipe and be on our way.
Alright, so it's cool. And if you do see them, a simple, hey, thank you. You really bailed me out. You really saved the day right there. That's enough. know, you don't need to pay them. It's toilet paper. Another social barrier could be having to handle something someone else in the bathroom has touched. But here's the trick. You're taking a poop.
So... If you're getting ready to place your hand mere millimeters from your poop hole and wipe feces out of it, if accepting just this salacious toilet paper from a stranger is a problem, you shouldn't be using public bathrooms. You just shouldn't. Because the reality is is what, you know, I mean, yes, they haven't washed their hands. Just don't touch your face. Don't touch anything besides the toilet paper. Your wiping system and the flusher and then go wash your hands. It's totally fine.
The next scenario here, so that is accompanied. The next scenario is unaccompanied. If no one is in the restroom, what do we do? Well, I hope you've seen Mission Impossible because you have just received your orders. You pull your trowel up as much as you can without getting near the poop and you shimmy to the next stall. Flush, first of all, before you begin your shimmy, flush before you leave. and then just stay in the new stall.
So when you are shimmying, the goal is to get to where the toilet paper is. When you have arrived to where the toilet paper is, stay where the toilet paper is. Do not grab toilet paper and return to where you once ran out of toilet paper. That makes no sense. Just stay in the new one. Flush before you leave and stay in the new one. That new stall is stopped with TP and has all the same amenities as your previous stall. So go there and stay there. It's easy. I think that's common sense.
And I think there's this notion, yeah, just stay where you are. If, God forbid, someone sees you making the sunshine shimmy to the next doll, just hide until they're gone. Like, okay, so this is it. You've done it, you've flushed, you've got half ham, you don't wanna pull it up because you ain't got enough toilet paper. And you begin the shimmy with the pants half down. And somebody comes in the bathroom and they catch you doing this awkward, strange bathroom dance.
Just get into the stall, chill out there, and wait until you hear them leave the bathroom. And it's cool. It's fun. I mean, if you really want to be safe, I guess you can give it enough time to where you think they could have left the store. Because the awkward part is not seeing them in the bathroom. Sky's the limit in the bathroom. Anything goes. It's dealer's choice. But some things you can unsee.
The scrape comes when you encounter that person in the wild of the store, no longer half-trow, hams fully tucked away, and there's some things you can't unsee. Be cool. If you see someone doing the shimmy, you're sworn to secrecy, within the walls of the bathroom. If you've seen, just keep your eyes down. Now we enter the dark zone. The unfathomable. Un-fathom-um-un- The unfathomable has happened. You poop. No TP in your stall. No homie on the outside to assist. You do the shimmy of shame.
This stall is out too. No toilet paper. Assuming the bathroom does not have a paper towel dispenser, now you get to do what the folks in the biz call improvise. So, a quick note. If paper towel is available, Feel free to go for it, but you cannot flush that. I repeat, privy, hard stance. Do not flush paper towel. That clogs and ruins septic and sewer, and you're a fiend if you flush paper towel. You deserve whatever comes to you for it.
As a janitor, I've cleaned too much paper towel out of toilet to stand idly by and not have a stance on this. We do not flush paper towel. If there's a trash, go for that. If not, you should not use the paper towel. She'd be braver than that. So now what? No toilet paper, no homies, no paper towel. Say hello to your friend Mr. Sock. It's time to go barefoot and never look back. This is, this or just streak your undies and don't wipe.
It's your choice, but socks can be cheap and I vote use the sock. But I can't, I can't stress this enough. This is like, this is like privy running out of toilet paper pro tip number one. A pro tip that I myself, Hunter Hoover, do not follow. Take something spare. Bring some spare toilet paper, maybe some tissues in your pocket. You know, roll in there with that. I mean, yeah. Take something spare. In short, if you run out of toilet paper, consult your fellow bathroom traveler. It's fine.
Get aid from where aid is easiest to get. Then seek out toilet paper on your own, knowing... That being caught between the safety of two stalls could be a barrier for re-entering the store. It's just part of life. It's gonna happen. And finally, if all else fails, go rogue. Take the sock off. know, I... Streak it I guess, but that's like last ditch. Nobody wants mud booty while you have to shop. I hope this helps. It's always okay to ask for help. ah Just do it.
It's better than having mud crack and all the wonders that that brings. And this is by no means not a comprehensive guide. If you, fellow traveler of bathrooms, have your own pro tips for how to handle when you've run out of toilet paper, shout at us at social media at privycast. If you want a hashtag, can use hashtag like out of TP. That'll be fun. We'll see what we get on that. Thanks again to Dr. Troll for recommending the topic about sharing TP in a restroom.
And if you share your TP, you're a hero, plain and simple. That's all there is to it. If you share the toilet paper with a fellow bathroom traveler, you're a hero and you deserve to be recognized as such. If you're interested and you want to just look at all the garbage Pokemon Go stuff I'm doing, you can follow me. I'm at alet7 on most things. This has been Privy. Hopefully you guys have found some tips and tricks for surviving if you run out of toilet paper. I hope it's helped.
I hope you don't run out of toilet paper. Life's hard enough. We don't need to be doing that. Hit us up if you have any comments. Our new intro and outro music is Barroom Ballet by Kevin MacLeod. You can find his music on incompetech.com. He's licensed under Creative Commons by Attribution 4.0 license. Creativecommons.org license by 4.0. Thanks Kevin. And as always folks, don't forget to flush.