>> Hunter Hoover: I think. I think Mr. Tumas Vibes is something we all ought to shoot for in 2025. Welcome back to Privy. Privy is a podcast about bathrooms recorded from my home bathroom. I'm your host, Hunter Hoover, and I love bathrooms. Welcome back, everyone. Thank you for being here. Happy Privy Christmas. Uh, this is our. This is our second episode of the season. Uh, we hope that your. Your holiday cheer. Your logs have been festive, your sprays have been holly and
jolly. Um, and yeah, we're just. We're just kicking off. You know, we tried something different last time we did our Mr. Hanky special. If you haven't listened to our Mr. Hanky special for the year, go back, listen to the last episode. It was an interesting time. You know, we're trying new stuff, trying this, uh, this format of the watch along. We'll see if you like the watch along. Let me know, maybe we'll do it again. But there's a hustle and bustle this season, you know,
and I really feel like. I really feel like Privy Christmas snuck up on us this year, and I blame Thanksgiving for being so late. As of. As of the point of this record, I still have not decked the exterior halls. The inside, you know, our inside halls are fully decked. I've decked my halls so hard inside, but outside they just. They. They remain but undecked. Um, um, part of that is. Is just the hustle and bustle, and part of it has just been wet and
cold. It's not been opportune. And so, um, um, we're trying to get into the holiday season and celebrate. And here on Privy for hour celebration of Privy Christmas, we always take a yearly look at Mr. Hanky's exciting adventures in South Park. And as I noted, we did that last time. You can go listen to that episode. But the other thing that we like to do every year is we like to take a. Take a little pause and explore some of the stranger Christmas traditions from
around the world. And while there seems to be no shortage of strange Christmas traditions, uh, we aren't necessarily concerned with why people are decorating trees with spiders, which is a thing, or why some cultures have Christmas witches, which is also real, or why in some cases, Santa seems to have strange ne'er doell counterparts. Uh, u. Here on Privy, those are interesting. And those perhaps are maybe their own show, maybe bonus
bonus episode. But here on m. Privy, we are specifically concerned with those. Those strange Christmas traditions that are concerned with the bathroom or find themselves in many ways very bathroom adjacent. These are the bathroom adjacent Christmas traditions around the world. And you know, the funny thing is here, you know what's weird? You would think that the list of things that are both a Christmas related and b like deal directly with the bathroom or poop would be an incredibly short list.
But as we've seen in years past and as we are going to continue to see this year, it's not. You would hope that those Venn diagram circles don't overlap, but it turns out they do in some pretty big
ways. In years past we've discussed everything from little men who sneak into the nativity scene to moon everyone and take a dump behind the stable, to a log that poops gifts looking at you, to d and all to people stashing a, ah, Christmas fish in the bathtub and the psychedelic qualities of reindeer urine. We've been there and we've talked about so many things here on privy Christmas and I want to be, I want to give you guys a little candid honesty here for a
second. Every year as privy Christmas rolls around, I start to wonder am I going to find it like is, is the bathroom magicnna happen for this holiday season? Am I going to be able to find the weird bathroom related thing to talk about? And, and sometimes like I think maybe this year is the one where we're going to have to come up with something else to do for the Christmas season. I mean, there's only so many stories and so many myths and so many folk tales that both deal with Christmas
and the bathroom. Right? Like that. How many? There's only a few. Right, Right guys? But I want you to know that though one day that might be in our future as a part of our traditions on the show. I'm here to tell you that it is not this year. This year we found another one. And this year we need to talk about the kiantt zaros. Maybe you are like me and you are fully into your adulthood and you've never heard the term, let alone the idea of anything called a kiant zaro.
The way the kiant zara are described, or I believe they're called kicant zaro. If there's more than one, it's one of those fun fish. And fish are plural. Well, this is colicontzaros and colicont zaro. U uh, but the way these are described and the way their name depicts them are two very different things. The name colicant zaros is somewhat debated in its origin and where it comes from. One less believed theory is that it comes from the Greek coloss And centaus or kentaus, meaning a beautiful
centaur. Based on this description, you would think these would be some handsome and beautiful four legged humanoid creatures. And it make. If a centaur is beautiful, is it the horse part of the centaur that is beautiful or is it the human part also? Are there women centaurs? I, I feel like every time I see any, like Harry Potter or like Narnia, you always read about male centaurs. Maybe the women centaurs are called something else. I don't know.
There's, there's people out there just screaming that I this idiot, you fool. Um, but they're described as beautiful centaurs. If this is the meaning of collei Kent Zaros, we digress. But the origin of the name is usually contested and it's usually believed that it comes more from the Turkish caraconallo. This literally means black or dark bloodsucker. What did he say? And as such, many have even taken them to have a werewolf or vampiric tendency.
Now I promise listener, I, uh, know I teased Christmas witches at the top of the show. I promise we are not getting ready to do Christmas vampires or Christmas werewolves. Although might not be the worst idea for our festive holiday season.
Either way. The picture I have in my brain, whether it comes from Kicantaros the Greek or um, Carak Conalos the Turkish, the picture that I have in my brain when I hear those words and the definitions of those words and I begin to read about them and the ones others have put into art and drawings are nothing like a centaur of vampire. Like both of those, both of those translations, beautiful centaur or you know,
black or dark bloodsuckr. As we begin to describe these creatures, you're going to hear that neither of those descriptions is fitting and we have strayed far from the course if this is how we want to portray them. The thing is, what these things look like, what the Kiontzaros look like is not
exactly agreed on. Primarily because these creatures are part of the solstice or Christmas season celebrations and traditions throughout much of Europe and Anatolia, also known as Asia Minor, because they are, they are a part of such a wide variety of cultures, solstice traditions and myths and folklore. The stories about them and the descriptions of them and the origins that that they uh, derive from are going to vary as, as often as the culture
varies. The appearance of the colicant zaros differs and varies between the Greeks that draw these little holiday weirdos, showing them to have kind of like animal parts, they have like hair and horse legs and boeks and they're honestly like kind of fawnish looking. They're giving big Mr. Tumness vibes.
You know, I think, I think on the regular, I think if, if you rolled up to me I think if you rolled up to me on any given Wednesday or Thursday and you just rando found o me you would find that I give probably level two to level four Mr. Tumness Vibes. I aspire to give people Mr. Tumness Vibhes. I think, I think Mr. Tumness VibES is something we all ought to shoot for in 2025. There's Mr. There a person. There's what I want to say. A person could do much worse than Mr.
Tumness. I'm just going to say it. And to. To be giving off the Mr. Tumness whole justtick like oh look, I'm a pranciful little goat man that lives in the lives in the rocks. Like it's not the worst thing. It's better than the like casually homeless sititch that I usually got going on. You know what I'm saying? But yeah, big Mr. Tumness going on here. Maybe that's what Mr. Tumness really is mil. Maybe the Narnia story
does take place around Christmas. Maybe Mr. Tumas was a colleague on Zaros fan theory M Some cultures depict the Ki Kzaros as huge towering monsters. Others depict them as small, tiny little impish creatures that sneak into your home. Some say that they are really just small humans and are depicted as such and are usually depicted as being primarily male. Others say that the Colleic k Zaros
are. Have. Have body parts that are normal size and others that are misproportioned to the rest of the body. You know, you got little douggie collie kzaros. He's just. He. He's totally normal except for he's got like a rat size body and like a machamp from Pokemon sized arm and it's right where his tail is. He's got a flippin muscle arm. Just scorpion out his buttsole. But butole don't. Not the butthole. It's the tail. I don't know. The tail doesn't come out this tail come out the butole. How
related is the tail to the butthole? It's for another day. Others depict the Ki k Zaros as small black demon looking humans with with long tails. In many stories they vermin. They stink, they smell real bad, they're blind and they are said to spend their days sitting underneath the earth. Now, I want to note the primary sources and the primary tales about the Colicontzaros come to us from Greek
folklore. And in these stories, the Greeks believe that the Colleic kzaros live underground where they spend their days, day in and day out, sawing on the trunk of the world's tree that holds the earth in place. They're chaotic. They want to destroy the earth. You know, classic Greek earth goblins. And to do so they spend 353 days of the year saw on a big old tree. We gotta grip rip this guy. Ca chica. Oh, that was a good one. Felt that one. You know, maybe if we. I'm back. I'm
back to the orange vanilla. You know, maybe if we just gave all the cai k zaros in the world just, just a, uh, just an orange vanilla polar seltzer. Maybe they chill out on the world's tree. Really. Just, just, just muffin. The world's tree. Y all remember the. Y'all remember the 12 days of Christmas? Well, it turns out that those days are a bit sinister than we thought. And to really, to really appreciate the heart of the Collei Kzaros, we have to know a
little bit about the 12 Days of Christmas. The 12 Days of Christmas is a song about gift giving in the 12 days of Christmas extends from Christmas Day December 25th all the way to January 6th. I know, spooky, right? For those who are or it runs from the birth of Jesus Christ to the epiphany of the Three Kings Day on January 6th. And, uh, what I want to say is for all of those people that are triggered that my tree is still up in January, I want you to hear this. Take
that. The 12 Days of Christmas run December 25th to January 6th. It is totally acceptable to have your Christmas tree up in January. Now, did I have my Christmas tree up in November? Yes, of course. Did I have my Christmas tree up before Thanksgiving this year? Yes, of course. Was it because Thanksgiving was so late this year? Absolutely not. I would have. Anyway, so let the record show I'm not. I'm not sitting here hiding it.
It is totally acceptable and I would argue ought to be normal to have your festive holiday Christmas tree up for at least two months. Should be normal. Enjoy it. Now I got. Now I got a Christmas fake. And I know all the people out there, they're going to be like, oh, you need to have a real tree. It's not a real Christmas tree. Well, here I have a couple of things to say to you. Saving Money not lighting my house on fire. My allergies are a little bit better. So I uh,
got, I got a Christmas fake. It's great, it's pre lit. I plug and play and everybody's happy. It's all good. And, and it can be up for two months. I don't have to buy a replacement tree halfway through. But these 12 days of Christmas in the song the days are kept alive through gift giving and singing and uh, see the Grinch'note on this. But the 12 Days of Christmas are uh, uh, I mean really you're getting a bunch of
strange gifts like truly they're wild. But these 12 days of Christmas are the days where the Cayont Zaros are allowed to come up from out of the earth's depths to wreak havoc on the people up topside. Nothing says Merry Christmas or Joyous Festivus or a whatever holiday like a bottom dwelling Greek hobgoblin coming to the earth's surface to a real tricky surprise on you. And this happens on Christmas day. Usually right after they've spent all year trying to saw through the
trunk of the earth tree. They're allowed to come top side and as a result step away from their work for a little time. Take a little rest. The Kiontzaros have earned a rest. They've been trying to destroy the world for 353 days and they get 12 days off. Dang it. And they're going toa use them while on the earth. We really get to the heart of why we need to talk about these dudes in the show. Much like jolly old St. Nick. I'm sure he isn't mad at me anymore. Like Santa and I are good now,
right? We, we had a real good talk. Santa and I had a good chat a couple years ago and Mrs. Claus, you know, she set the record straight on a lot of things last year it was good. It was good and things are going great up north. And the Goblins sneaked their way into a home after, you know, on Christmas day through open windows, doors or in some cases sneaking down chimneys. The real question, not uh, is not worth thinking about is who did it first? Like who was the first one to slide their
backside down somebody's chimney? You know what I'm saying? That'that what the kids are calling it these days. But who? It's not as important to worry about if the Collei Kzaros did it first or if Santa did it first. Really what we ought to be to be wondering is who does it better and Then if they can find a way into your home, the Colleic co zoros are going to pull all sorts of
nasty tricks on you. Some are simple things like getting into the sweets, snacking down all my Oreos and dogging down my ice creams. Little runts, little pieces of mother. Oh, I. If I catch a colic k zaros just elbow deep in a bag of. A bag of any of my checks or checks or goodies'm I'mnna feed them to my dog. Like my dog's dumb and she won't eat them. But I'BUT I will attempt it. I will attempt it. They sneak down the chimney and eat my sweets. But yeah,
Santa's the problem. They'll get into all sorts of mischief. They steal things, they'll move stuff. They'll just. If they'll move your keys, they'll just grab your keys and take them from one area to another and just hide them. Just pure chaos so you can't find stuff. Some reports say that the Collei Kzaros will quote, just lie. And if they're lying to you, that would presume that you are interacting and interfacing with these strange folklori mythical creatures.
Some reports again say they're, they're lying. Other reports have them tormenting you, serving you, you know, like stuff that is just tormenting to the soul. Like serving you tea instead of coffee or giving you a brown sugar cinnamon pop tart when you asked for mixed berry or strawberry. We'like taking the tep off the roller and setting it just out of arms reach on, um, the floor.
Taking the bathroom. Oh, oh, you know the Collicont Zaros are going to yank the bathroom mat anywhere in the months of November, December, January or February. Here's the deal. And I know, and I know I, I know I got a little bit on this last week, but in the months of November to February, there must be a bath mat below the, below, below the toilet. There must be.
You have to keep the dogs warm. If you get up in the middle of the night and to shotgun splatter the buwl, you got to keep the dogs warm. Torment. The term, oh, the Collicont Zaros are going to torment me. That that idea seems a little too vague. But none of that, none of those reasons are why we're here. What puts these Christmas goblins as, as the star of our episode is some of the antics they get up to are very bathroom related.
One of the call. One of the reports tells of the Collic k Zaros quote, peeing into your drinks and urinating into your holiday cooking. So that sucks. You know, if I walk in the kitchen and I got a little hobgoblin, just it's got his we wiener out peeing into my soup, I'm gonna be very upset. And that's just the start. Imagine if you will put, put on your imaginary think little thinker cap here instead of Santa, jolly old
St. Nick on Christmas day. And for 12 days following, you had a small impish goblin sneaking in, takes a fat leak in your Christmas stew or whatever you got brewing. Where did this come from? Like who sat down and saidmm m. Oh. Oh yeah. And they steal your keys. Oh, that's good. Oh, and sometimes they'll lie to you. Oh, that's great. Oh, and I know, let's have them take a fat wee right into the Christmas dinner. No, no, Dave. For, for goodness sake, Dave.
Every time we pitch a new folklore idea, they don't have to pee something, you know, they don't have to peer poop. It's fine. Like, like was people's bakes and sweets randomly coming smelling out like you'reine mid Christmas. And they're like, uh, oh, I don't know what happened. It really smells like pee. Like my fruitcake really smells like somebody team rocket blasted off a fat urine stream into it. I. I bet it was. Oh, oh gosh. I bet it was those rascally Cali Cant Zaro. Right guys?
Yeah, I, I don't suck at baking. It's probably those guys, right guys? You guys seen them? You've heard that? That's. This is the least of it. Much like Santa depositing a lump of coal into a bad kid stocking. Which nowadays that could be worth something. First of all, that colal could be worth something. But these guys, the Collei Kzaro, are just dropping a fatty in the sack. Fatty in the sack. Tmtmtmtm Name of m. Name of me every time I go camping. Fatty
in the sack. Uh, and I know I've joked a few times about Santa leaving a little special brown bag deluxe in the bad kids stockings, but it's a joke. Like Santa, if you're listening, and I know you're listening, it's literally in the song. He hears you when you are sleeping. You know what? Actually Santa, can you chill the frick out? I don't want you to hearing me when I sleeping. First of all, I know I fart.
Second of all, uh, I mouth breathed. So like don't listen to that like and don't look at me. Don't look at me, Santa. You sick freak. I'm Santa. I'm sorry. You''a very nice man. Your wife's nicer, but you're a very nice man. But, like, don't poop in the bad kids stockings. Even though the bad kids don't respect their parents and they have vape at school and they call their teacher the F word, don't poop in
their stockings. Like, I know that it would be totally warranted and it would make perfect sense to drop the fattest stack in the bad kids stockings. Like, and I know that if a person did that, they would be totally justified. They would be celebrated. But even though it is it in all senses of the idea, all the bad kids having fat turds dumped into their stockings. Sounds good. We should not do it. So, yeah, Santa, leave the stocking stuffing to the Greek Christmas goblins. This is truly
deviant. They pop up, they ruin your food, they defecate all of your Christmas cheer and make the place smell weird. What? What a bunch of jerks. Should be noted, there's a number different types of ki kzaro. 1. The catachnas can't stop eating. They just, they're just pac man gobblin up all your food. They can't get enough eats anything in sight. And they stink while they do it. It's like they eat and they're
farting while they do it. The Mearas have a big fat drum like belly that leaves terrible filthy smells all over people's food. They're just ripping ham. They're just fully passing beef all over your food. You heard a pink eye. If these guys got a hold of your pillows, you have pink eye for sure. 100%. The mantraucose the chief. Stocky, short leg, clumsy, ugly and dangerous to no one. He hides away all day and night and goes out and
teases women. It's kind of a. He's kind of a pig, you know, it's kind of a man ho. You know, like he's, he needs to chill out. He's take a cold shower, a little polar plunge, chill him out. Next is the KSA Mecedes. These are all types of ki k zaro, by the way. Um, cops. Co cops. Some mecedes is like a lame hunchback with the weakness for pancakes and honey. This sounds like my type of dude. Like, just describe me in my mid-60s hunchback with a mean, uh, desire for pancakes and
honey. Heck, I'm halfway there now. Sign me up. This guy and I could hang if this guy wants to come on over. Pancakes and honey. Worst case scenario, I gotta make extra the malipera. If housewives forget to make sure lids are on pans, the Malapura will grab that chance to urinate all over what's cooking. So cover your cooking, ladies. Men. But it says waies. It says housewives. Call of Volnus is a long as is quoted as being as quote uh, along as
a string of macaroni. He has a tail that ends in an arrow and can pass through keyholes, sievess and colander holds. He is extremely agile and fast in his movements. Pioritus has a long soft nose like an elephant. He shows up shortly before the rooster growows and has a talent of mimicking people's voices. He's over here just doing impressions at 3am Just. Just an absolute annoying son of a gun. Catsipeds or Meg or Megas Calicnaros is a goat foot. Goat foot and he's the boss. He's vicious,
miserable, rude, lazy and bald with goat legs. Not a pretty picture. He is the one that people picture when they think of Kic k zzar. One of them looks like a big old frog. One of them has weird like bottom teeth that hang over his lips. He likes to make fun of priests, so that's kind of fun. And these delineations seems kind of senseless and more just like their variance on the same thing. But yeah, the two to watch out for. The ones that are peeping or
peeping, there's a peeper in there, you know what I'm saying? But the ones that are peeing and pooping all over your food, maybe the one that's going to fart in your cheerio is like you don't want him around. You keep him in here. The good news though is the Collei Kzaros, they only wr wreckak this Havoc for the 12 days of Christmas. That is because on January 6th they are forced via the sunlight somehow to return to the
center of the earth where they will have to start anew. Um, on sawing down the wood world tree. And spoiler alert. In those 12 days off, the world tree has repaired itself and it's back to normal. That's good, I suppose. 12 days of stinky Christmas is a small pie to pay to save the world. But just as these little little fart goblins exist in myth, as with all unwanted mythical and folklore creatures, there's always a way to ward them off and keep them at bay.
This year, if you're worried about the Ki kzaros. Taking a fat deuce in your stocking or farting all over your breakfast cereal. Here's some ways to keep them away from your home. The first is you can set a colander on your doorstep. Pretty smart, right? The reason that you want to set a colander on your doorstep is not so you don't look like a crazed mushroom smoking lunatic. It's because the goblins you see the kicant zaros, they can't count past the number two.
And so when they see the colander, how many holes does a colander have? 1. 2. Oh sweet lord and heaven. What do I do? I've hit a number that I can't utter. It should be noted. It's not that the Collei Kant zaros don't understand the concept of a number past 2. They understand that the numbers go past 2 rather, because the number 3 is viewed as holy. They believe that to utter the number would be to doom themselves to destruction. So yeah, colanders are a big line of defense. Here
you can paint a black cross on your doorstep. Though I doubt this is part of the Greek culture. Maybe part of the later Christianized or maybe Greek Orthodox defense against these little little crap goblins. Burning a smelly shoe in the fire or burning something stinky in your fire pit to keep them from coming in. This method is noted ties these creature creatures to the later idea, uh, of the Norse yule and yule log and yule tide. They don't like the sun and run
away and hide when it comes out. Seems pretty easy to defeat. Like keep your stews covered and check your stalking before you just go elbow deep into it. How do they count past two to stay above ground for the 12 days of Christmas? Maybe it's a movement of the sun thing. Kind of how my dog knows it's Sunday even though she can't count. It should also be noted many cultures have a variant of these goblins.
In Serbian folklre they're called the caraconza where it'll jump on the back of citizens walking in the dark on the 12 days of Christmas and hitch a ride to wherever the person's going to go. They do not treat adulterers well either. They do not like adulterers. In Bulgaria, they are more demonic and seem to come out any time of the year. As such, they have customs called the kuer to scare them
away. In Albania, these are undead zombie goblins, zomlins who move about in January and clang about in iron chains. To me this is a sounding A lot like the Ghost of Christmas past, you know, in the thing. Oh, and by the way, if your kid was born on one of those 12 days, uh, the 12 days of Christmas, or if your kid was born on Saturday, they could possibly become a Collei Consaros. Born on Saturday. I've been making that joke for a while, and it turns out has some
standing in this culture. These 12 Days of Christmas perhaps would be better off as the 12 days of Kiantzaros. On the 12th day of creepy Goblin Christmas, my enemies gave to me 12 courts of peup, 11 months of sawing, 10 stinky goblins, nine origin stories, eight hours of darkness, seven honey pancake, six stolen candies, five stalking turds, four small black crosses, three scary numbers, two stinky fire shoes, and, uh, a callander on my doorstep.
Just a thought. Maybe a regional variant, but what's the connection? Does how does this sneak into the solstice in the Christmas culture? If only. If only we had a large man who was also proficient at sneaking into people's houses, who also liked to leave things behind, who could give the Ki Kant Zaroy a, uh, purpose and maybe give them a means by which they can do good, such as making toys
or taking care of the reindeer. And he could give them a place to live where there is less sun, maybe one of the, you know, poles of the earth somewhere. And perhaps while they're there, they could live under an ice cave or wherever the elves live. I, uh, mean Collei Kant Zaro. Did I say that out loud? Next time you set up your elf on a shelf, think about it being a goblin on a noblin. You know what I'm saying? There's nothing great that rhymes with goblin. I shot
my shot. We do it. We do all sorts of things here, but with this theory in mind are the elves. Do the idea of Christmas elves possibly have some ties to the Colecont Zarro? The Greek Turd Goblins of Greek Christmas. That'll bring us to the end of another episode of Privy. Thank you guys so much for being here as always. Don't forget to leave us a rating or review. The five star options are pre. You can leave that review on Apple podcasts or Spotify podcast
for every rating and review you leave. Will donate some money to the Wounded warriors and Living Water International as a reminder to keep pooping in the free world. This free world was not always free. And there are parts of our world who have less access to clean water than we do. As a reminder to pursue cleaner water for all you can send us an email privycastmail.com follow us on social media @privycast. On all social media, you can follow me. I'm at Al at 7.
If you're bold and daring, uh, you can follow Randy Bolls at Randy Bowls on Instagram to check out those Randy Bowls. Uh, send us episode suggestions, comments, feedback'concern if you want to be a part of the show, if you have something you want to pitch, if you want to. If you have your own podcast and you want to like, do a little tradesy Swapsy, I would love to have you on Privy. Shoot me an email privycastmail.com we'd love to hear from you. This brings us to the end
of another episode of Privy. Thanks to Kevin and Poddington and all the other places that we got our cool sound effects and intro and outro songs. You can check them out in the Ding Dong below. Go look at those. Thank you all for being here. Keep pooping in the free world. Own your stank, wash your butthol. And uh, now as always, don't forget to flash.