>> Speaker A: Don't get poison oak on your ding dong. Like, you don't want that. That's zero out of ten bad time. I haven't had it. Thank God. But I'm speaking from, like, anytime anything interacts with your nethers, it's always bad. Welcome back to privy Rivy is a podcast about bathrooms recorded in my home bathroom. I'm your host, hunter Hoover. I love bathrooms, and, uh, I'm finding that I've spent a lot of time in them recently. I have a couple of, um,
bathroom updates at the top of the show here. I'll get them out of the way, uh, in case you don't listen to the show, to hear me talk about going to the bathroom. And the first is that Applebee's is definitely a zone for me know, people give taco Bell a pretty rough shake. Um, but it is not taco bell who is doing me dirty. Uh, it is definitely Applebee's. A few weeks ago, I would say about a week and a half ago, um, after young adults group, we like to go out on the town and get a
snack and a bite to eat. And often the only thing open, or the only thing worth eating at that is still open, that is also cost effective. Um, at the time, is Applebee's. Um, we're not eating at Red Robin right now because the red robin in our local neighborhood had the yucky maggot boys. And so we're not going there currently. And so one of the things that's happening as a result, one of the things that is happening as a result, uh, is, yeah, we're limited on where we are able to
eat comfortably. Uh, and so we went out to Applebee's again, as you want to do in the city of Albany here. And, uh, I didn't go crazy or anything. I got a humble tray of eight chicken wings and some waffle fries. And it's not healthy by any stretch of the imagination, but I didn't go hog wild about it. And later that night, I had a quad flush deluxe four flush job and was sitting, uh, on ye oldie recording throne for an hour and 40 minutes. And I know you hear
that and you go like, yeah, right. I stood up. The longest I stood up for was maybe three minutes, during which time I washed my hands and was deceived into thinking I would be able to return to bed to get some more slumber. Uh, nay, verily, I got absolutely roached and poached by my own bowels. And it probably has nothing to do with the pound and a half of cheese that Applebee's put on top of my waffle fries, but Applebee's is doing me dirty. Also, uh, there's these things called ghost
kitchens. Uh, essentially, from what I can tell is companies who don't have the stones to build a restaurant in an area or are just fiscally responsible not to, they will rent out kitchen use of an already established location, in this case, Applebee's, and they will make their wares out of the Applebee's kitchen and sell them. And so, um, I was out doing some doordash, and this homie's order pops up, and it's like, hey, y'all go on over to cosmic wings. Now, here's the deal.
Albany's not that big. Albany, Oregon's not that big. And I'm going, there is not a, uh, cosmic wings here. And I drive on over to Apple. Well, I punch in the thing, and it says, hey, here's your navigation. And I'm looking, I'm like, well, that's Applebee's. So I drive over there, and then it says in the. You know, you pick these up at Applebee's. This is where you do this. And, uh,
I go, uh. Ah, well, okay. And I go in, and she hands me this small tray of chicken wings, and I look down, and I'm like, oh, this dude's about to have a rough night. Because I sure did, because I ate the same thing, and I got, like, super chaz deluxe on this mess. So, uh, if you're out there and you had the tray of eight chicken wings from Applebee's and it did, you foul. Let us
know. Privy cast. But right out of the gate here, I want to share a brief hunter's anecdotes, uh, to keep you afloat to get us started. This hunter's anecdotes is called camp plunger out of proportion. Uh, so a few weeks ago, about. Actually almost a month ago now, I was, uh, helping out with a kids summer church camp, and, uh, I was asked to come out and speak. Had a great time. And one of the things about camp, especially when it's camp for little kids, is the food is just phenomenal.
It's just comfort food and food that they know that small children are going to eat without complaint and without anxiety. So we're talking pizza and chicken nuggets and pancakes, like all of the things that I thrive on as an adult man. And so we're out there, and camp food is really good. There's a lot of cheese involved, and there's a lot of Mac and cheese in the mix. Um, and one of the things that this camp food does, especially to these kiddos, is it kind of plugs them up, for lack of a
better saying it. Half these campers either are constipated and the other half are, like, on overdukey mode. And the camp that we were at, uh, they had a custodian guy, and I don't know if that was his official title. I think it was, like, other duties as assigned custodian. Because my guy was out here, like, doing all sorts of weird od jobs. But he didn't necessarily come to this task prepared because the report goes out to him, hey, the girl's camp bathroom is plugged again. And you
can kind of see this guy rolls his eyes. He's like, oh, my gosh, I am not believing this. Again. He goes out there and he's talking to me and a couple of other people describing how this toilet is plugged. Now, if you know me, uh, I'm all on board for seeing a good clogged toilet. I'm all about it. It enthralls me. And so this guy gets ready to take off on his little quad, like, four x four little buggy. And I, like, run up and hop in the buggy with him's like, I'm coming with you.
I've got ten, plus almost 15 years of janitorial experience. You say this is like a, uh, level seven clog. I'll be the judge. Do you know what I'm saying? And so we're going out here, and before we do that, he's, like, standing right next to where all the people are, like, loading up food for their dinner, like, talking loudly about this clog. And it's like, this guy is a champion. And so I involved myself with the clog, and we go
into the girls camp bathroom. After disclosing we were entering and shutting the bathroom down to avoid bad situation. And I go in, and here's the deal. The toilet was plugged, but it wasn't that bad, my dude. These little kids did clog this toilet, and it was clogged like woofie, but it had mostly clogged down the s bend somewhere. We're not talking, like, a surface clog. We're talking, like, a sub edge of the toilet bowl
clog. This is something that a basic plunger is totally going to be able to handle. But here's the trouble with the thing. I'm standing there, and I go, well, homie, where's your plunger? And my dude starts tearing through the closet in the bathroom. He's going all over into all the other stalls. Guy doesn't have a plunger, like, rolled out on this plunge job to unclog this girl's bathroom toilet with no plunger. He didn't bring his materials to class. He's not prepared. And so we go back
down, he goes, well, I bet there's a plunger in the kitchen. And I'm sitting here going, well, yeah, maybe, but you're going to want a toilet plunger. And somehow he procured a toilet plunger from the kitchen. That's another story. I don't understand why the toilet plunger was in the kitchen, but maybe they just bought a plunger and said, this will work for everything. But the toilet wasn't that bad. And we go back, and he's like, him and Han about getting how to do it,
and I'm like, guy, I just snagged the plunger. And I just do what I do best. Just getting that on that toilet and just really busting up the clog, and he's sitting there, like, trying to flush it while I'm doing it. I was like, guy, you got to bust this nonsense up. Like, you got to plunge it for a little bit to clear the line before you start hitting the flusher. Just. And so the toilet wasn't that bad. It took me, like, maybe two minutes plunging and flushing to get this thing dealt
with. But these little kids clogged the toilet so many times that week because there's too much cheese and chicken nuggets, which normally I'd say isn't a possibility. But for just pure concern of this camp's plumbing, uh, we're going to go ahead and say it was. We're going to dive right into our topic this week. It's privy summer. And speaking, uh, of summer, it's in full swing. It's hotter than a yak out here. And speaking of, you know, what is swinging in summer? Golf clubs.
This week on the pod, we're talking about making brown in the back nine. What's the history of bathrooms on the golf course? What's the etiquette for taking a deuce while hitting one off of the green or the fairway? You can tell how many times I've played golf. And we have a very special installment of poo in the news to round off the episode. But first, we got to talk about
bathrooms a little bit. That's why we're here. As with most outdoor summer activities, golfers use the revered Porta potty many times. So I got the astute pleasure of using a, uh, hymns and herms, uh, porta potty situation at the Oregon coast. They had a blue and pink one, and though not marked for his and hers, it was kind of implied. I did use the one that would stereotypically be considered the hers, and I will report it was full of poop. So that's fun. And was in the exact same condition as
the hymns toilet. So, like, ladies, you're doing just as awful stuff. That's all I'm saying about it. But what's the history of bathrooms and the golf course? Like I said, most m golfers today will use the revered Porta potty if those amenities are found on their golf course of choice. However, this landscape and this expectation of porta potties on the golf course,
things, uh, have changed. And we're going to take a brief look at the history of golf before we dive into where these golfers squat, their little golfers, you know what I'm saying? In short, the earliest mentions of golf are around the twelve hundreds in the Netherlands. However, this golfing air quotes golfing didn't look like the golfing that the homies are doing today. Uh, mostly they were hitting with a ball of varying
sizes. But all I would say, in the small category of ball, they're hitting it with various instruments, stick shaped and otherwise, toward an agreed upon goal. Now, if you've ever played, like, rudimentary disc golf, where you don't have the cages, but you're just like, oh, first to hit the trunk of the tree wins. That was like golf back then. Like, first person to hit it through the door of the clubhouse wins.
They probably didn't have a clubhouse, but this was the essential state of golf until the Scottish came up with what looks a lot like what we have as golf today. The Scots took the golf c o l f golf that the Dutch were playing, and they made some minor tweaks to it. And here's the interesting thing. The early mentions of this golf, or kolf, are of it being banned
or frowned upon in Scotland. So, like, Scotland hijacks golf from the Dutch, and then, like, shortly thereafter, it gets banned in their country. James II, he's the king. King Jimmy prohibited the game, as it, quote, distracted from the military and archery practice. You've got these military and archery people out there, and they're supposed to be practicing, know, doing their warm ups or doing their procedures and
their marksman training. And my dudes are bored and they're smacking golf balls around like, you can't blame. But yeah, King James was like, you know what? No fun for you. Stop it. Later, when Mary Queen of Scots'husband was murdered, she was criticized for playing golf when she, quote, should have been mourning. Golf was included on a list of banned activities to do on the Sabbath in
Scotland. And within a hundred years, they transitioned from this idea of golf being this taboo and banned thing that you do, apparently when your husband dies to cope with it, to being the almost national sport. With golf tournaments being hosted in the country, golf became, uh, more widespread and became a national competition by the 17 hundreds.
And there have been a lot of changes to the game. Uh, most notably, wood clubs turned into metal clubs, golf bags using animals as carts, uh, prior to electricity, and other powered carts, originally, a lot of the holes were eleven whole courses that you played out and then back in reverse. They would have almost two holes per two courses per hole, I guess, is the way to think of it. And then they combined into short holes to form nine and later, 18, which is what they have to date.
But one development that followed the development of the rest of the world was how you went to the bathroom while playing golf. For those who don't play golf, like me, uh, I do play miniature golf. I will smack some mini golf right up and down. Um, I love mini golf. I think mini golf is real golf. And we should call not mini golf big golf. So for the rest of this, when I say golf, I'm going to try to remind you that I mean big
golf. So for those who don't play big golf, like me, you may be surprised here, the whole game could take two to 4 hours to complete. Hugh, that is a long, just time to be playing golf in general. In my opinion, maybe it's not. And before we talk about what you do for bathrooming during those two to 4 hours, back in the day, it looked a lot like most pooping and peeing did at the time. You went and hit the bush, you sprayed skeet into the street and you put brown in the bush like you dig a
cathole and let that joker fly. You're in the woods. It's golf. We're not talking about the prim and proper golf fairways that we have today. No, this was a different time. But again, the golf course was less groomed and maintained and now things are different. People are so hoity toity about their golf grass. It's like, oh, don't chip it. Um, so what do people do for the bathroom? And what was the progression from bushweed to where we are today. Like, how did we go from
getting sully deep in the poison oak? Don't get poison oak on your ding dong. You don't want that. That's zero out of ten bad time. I haven't had it, thank God. But I'm speaking from anytime anything interacts with your nethers, it's always bad. So, like, poison oak has to be bad. That's the logic there. In case you didn't understand, that's called privy splaining.
And, uh, uh, as you might guess, there's not a lot of information on this development in golf because most people, when they're going out to play golf, they're not like giving an insane amount of thought to like, I wonder what the turd making situation on this joker is going to be, huh? You know what, it'll be fine. I'll just go. In the late 17 and early 18 hundreds, they did start to care about the holes being dug and things being left behind. It's like, hey, cut
that out. And likely golf managers would dig their privy pits on site and at the beginning or end of the halfway point of the chorus for your brown deposits. So they would dig a, ah, centralized cesspit for you to go and put an outhouse out there for you to go like drop scoot in, really plop one in the fairway, you know what I'm saying? As time would progress, many courses would stick to the standard chemical portable toilet.
The beautiful bloom juice, uh, hopefully a little better kept than the ones at the state fair and public park. I went to the Lynn county fair. Um, not that many porta potties. Uh, they actually had good bathroom access. It was actually pretty impressive, but, man. And then I went to the Oregon coast, like I said, I used the hers Porta potty and it was in better shape than the toilets at the coast. So, like, step, um, know sometimes those porta potties are
good. Shout out to best pots for supplying the hymns and herms. There's something so poetic about this sport that has kind of taking on the Persona of the thing that rich guys and gals play or people do to get out of the house for a while. And it's kind of like what I would say, a high income sport. It's something so poetic about those group of people having to stack logs in the blue lake of a portable toilet. Like, it does your heart good. It makes you glad in your
soul. Yeah, my homie's sitting on a small fortune of generational wealth, but you have to take a deuce into the blue lake just like everybody else, bud. So it's the great equalizer. Does your heart glad. Other golf courses and, uh, clubs would put in outdoor plumbing to the bathrooms, uh, on the back nine. And as the golf clubhouse became a thing, it, too, would house a bathroom amenity, uh, of a standard shopping mall. Like, they're going to have
multiple bathrooms, that type thing. But others would put, um. And so the history on the golf course is just that. You used to use the sticks, and now there is at least one, but sometimes two bathrooms located on the course. One at the clubhouse at the beginning, and I guess, also the end, and one on the halfway point, the back nine.
But all of this history doesn't tell us anything about what golf etiquette says you should do to hit up those amenities, because you often don't go golfing by yourself. Think of it like this. You're watching the big game, the super bowl, and Mr. Farv, I think, is one. He throws a very long pass, um, which for some reason is called a catholic thing. He does a Hail Mary. Maybe he sinned, I don't know. Um, but he sins really hard and throws a pass very
far. And, um, right as my dude's getting ready to catch it, he just makes the tea with his hands. He's like, time out. I have to take a poop. And he just runs in the locker room. So when you're out golfing with your buddies and you're in the golf party, having to walk or ride a cart, five to ten plus minutes. Remember, you are way out there. If you're walking, it could be a 20 to 30 minutes walk back and then back from the clubhouse. If you're driving maybe five to ten minutes,
and then you got to make the stop. You're looking at, like, 30 minutes to an hour of delay. Big Tony has to get home to his wife because, you know, she's pissed that he's even out with the guys again. Like, you're going golfing again on a Saturday? We were supposed to go to the market. I have heirloom tomatoes I want to buy Tony. And then Tony's bud. Little Tony gets confusing to be, um, you know, he's out here. He's like, hey, big Tony, you remember
when we got those breakfast burritos on the way in today? He's like, yeah, uh, it was rad. He goes, yeah, I'm about to make a rad in my pants right now. I gotta go back. And big Tony's like, you've got to be kidding me? And you're like this schmo driving all the way back to the clubhouse because you had too much Applebee's. Or, I mean, sorry, m too much breakfast burrito. People who play golf probably don't go to Applebee's. That's my guess on it. That's just my optics on that
situation. So what do you do? I reached out to a buddy who I knew played some golf, and since I don't thwack balls, I had to ask someone who did, and he said, it's kind of an unspoken rule. Like, you go at the beginning or end, like, when you're starting your round or when you're ending the game, but you try not to go in the middle because you're delaying other people's games. And in the case of big Tony, their lives, if you have to pee, you can still absolutely hit the bush.
Which I like that. I like that golfing like this kind of rich ish sport has the same bush wee rules as going on a hike. It's great. We agreed. He also noted, um, shout out to Josh. Stay tuned. That's all I'm going to say about that. He noted that there's something, like, so good about seeing some rich businessman or generational wealth golfer hose down a bush, just like common backwoods
campers. It's delightful. He also noted that, um, many times, golfers play under the influence of alcohol and that this alcohol often wages war on their tiny rich bladders. I should note, while this is the expected action, it could directly disparage the woman golfer. Um, like, you could go bushweed, but if you're a lady, you might not want to do bushweed, especially if you're playing golf with a bunch of
dudes. Sometimes the lady need to hit the loo for things outside one and two, and they probably aren't going to be leaving the spent product on the green. You know what I'm saying? Or maybe they should. Maybe they should just toss the spent feminine hygiene product right in the middle of the rough for these old rich dudes to find. Be like, hey, look what I deal with. Do you deal with this? Heck no, you don't. They make golf clubs that you
can pee into, so that's cool. It's mostly a gag gift, but it still exists, so it ought to be mentioned. But as we will see, golf club owners might be stuck between a rock and a hard place. Or, as is the case in this poo in the news, a meth lab and a nasty surprise. The first article in this poo in the news, uh, as with all good bathroom articles, is from nearly ten years ago, uh, and it is brought to us by a local Oklahoma news station. The article is titled Porta Potty. Meth lab found on golf
course. So, this takes place in Purcell, Oklahoma. And, uh, it says, undercover drug agents diffuse a miniature meth lab found inside of a Porta potty in the middle of a golf course. Tuesday. Again, ten years ago in Purcell, Oklahoma, the staff at the golf club noticed strange sports drink bottles with chemicals inside the Porta potty and called the police. Good on
you. Yeah, I mean, like, sports drinks already kind of look like strange chemicals inside of a bottle, so I would be interested to know what that looked like. But the officers arrived and realized someone had been inside making meth using the, quote, shaken bake method, um, that'll do Ricky Bobby's heart. Real proud to know that he's got a shaken bake method, um, of making meth named after
him. Three bottles were found. Two of them exploded before the detectives arrived, and the agents were able to neutralize the third bottle without harmful chemicals shooting out into the air and all over everyone. And one of the department corporals of the area, he said if someone would have been in the porta potty when that thing would have exploded, um, they would have been hit by flying chemicals and plastic and all other
sorts of things. Investigators said they have a lead on one suspect, but said they believe others could be involved. The inside of the unit was damaged, but agents were able to submit latent fingerprints to a crime lab. So that's fun. Some guy snuck onto a golf course to pull a full Walter white and make some toilet meth. Because why not do that on the golf course? You know, the article notes that one of the bottles exploded, and if someone had been in there, it would have been bad. So I guess.
Here's the public service announcement psa loading out right here at, uh, the middle of the poo of the news. If you go into a porta potty and you see just, like, bottles lying around, or you look down into the blue lake and you see, like, weird, strange looking bottles, maybe just don't use it because you could sit down and it could spray chemical meth up your bung holio. And that seems bad. Like, I'm pretty confident
that's bad. And I'm sure this happens on non golf porta potties, but it's just so fun that it happened on a golf course. It's so poetic. It's such a great commentary. But maybe you're trying to fight the power. Or maybe someone is making meth in the golf course. Porta potty. You just can't make it to the clubhouse because sometimes nature calls. And this brings us to our second poo in the noose. And this article is called mystery pooper targeting holes of norwegian golf course.
This article is from 2015, and it was originally sent to me by friend of the show Iron Snyder. Shout out, uh, Iron. This one's been sitting in my hopper for a while, and I just had to pair it with the right episode originally. So this article, again is from, uh, July 24, 2015. Uh, harfs Fjord, Norway. I love norwegian words because you get those fun j's in there. You get that? Fjord.
Fjord. Harfs Fjord, Norway. It says, the groundskeeper of a norwegian golf course said, quote, a mystery pooper has been targeting golf course holes, and they must be a man, because, again, this is part of the quote, the poos are too massive to be from a woman. First of all, how dare you? If women want to take huge, disgusting turds, they dang well can. Thank you very much. It's 2022. Guy or girl? I'm not going to tell you how to live your
life. Kenneth Tenfjord. So good. Yep, Kenneth, it's probably a guy. Groundskeeper at the Scavenger golf club said he has been finding human feces and toilet paper in golf course holes since 2005. Now, if you need to bring it back to memory, this article was written in 2015. My dude has been plopping beefers in golf course holes for ten years. So good. Tenthiord, the groundskeeper, says that he has a couple of favorite holes. Uh, I bet he does. And we know that it is a man, because, again,
the poohs are too massive. Sexist. He poos only on weekdays. At least he honors the Sabbath. Do you know what I'm saying? On weekends, he has never found poo ten. Fjord says that the fecal discoveries are usually accompanied by used toilet paper, and he's wiping like the dude's got it figured out. The managing director of the club, whose name I'm gonna go for because it's another fun conglomerate, norwegian name Steiner Flozvick, said the mystery pooper used to arrive
via bicycle. In the early morning dew, we would observe bicycle tracks on the course. Footsteps showed that he had done his business, and the bicycle tracks disappeared back the way they came. Dudes rolling up on a bike like stranger things season one style, and running out in the middle of this golf course to relieve himself just because Frod Jormland, can we get any more weird names on this article? It's not even that long. Like, there's so
many weird names on this thing. Another groundskeeper said the club installed high powered spotlights to discourage the defecation. And this is the article. This is not the bathroom jokes we make here at privy. But they call this man the poopitrator. Now, listen, it's not bad. It's really good. Uh, but they say that this guy disabled these spotlights. Got him. It says he climbed up a tree next to the lights and, quote, wriggled far out. Wriggled with a wr, by the way, on a branch, and
dismantled the spotlights. Like, how he managed to do that without electrocuting himself. This groundskeeper says he has no idea. And sometimes you hear a story and you think to yourself, uh, is this a simulation? Like, is this real? Is this all made up? Like, this dude, for ten years, frequented the same golf course in Norway and pooped in the golf course holes and in the green for ten years, and they never caught the guy. The kids I work with in the high school can't even devious lick a hand
sanitizer bottle without getting caught. And my dude took a crap in golf course holes for ten years. Scott clean didn't get caught. They need to figure out their security and get some better lights. Like, if this guy is able to just shimmy up and put him out of commission, they never got, like, could you imagine? You thwack your ball real good. You really just put some Scottish on that ball. Not English. It's
from Scotland, so we had to do Scottish. But you really just get some pepper behind that ball. You switch to donkey Kong, and you hit the power button, and you just kaplamo that golf ball, and it soars right down kerplunky. Hole in one. You're on cloud nine. You're thrilled. And then you walk up to the hole, probably with gloved, white gloved hand, and you reach into the hole, and there's just poop with your ball. Your ball is resting on top of a turd.
It's the perfect crime. I will note in 2015, it says that the guy just kind of stopped. And I tried to find any form of information. I couldn't. Some mysteries will never be solved. And if you have more information about this golf hole pooper, you got to send it our way. This brings us to the end of poo in the news, privy golf edition. And this also brings us to the end of another episode. If you're going golfing, this summer, remember, it's okay to go in the bush. Your
friends might actually prefer it. And if you're on the golf course and you see a picture of the old John, the old priv, send us a picture. We'd love to see that. Follow us on social media. We're at Privycast. We're posting lots of crazy stuff over there. Um, tread lightly on the TikTok. That's all I'm going to say about it. Sometimes things get out of hand there. You can send us an email, suggestion, topic, ideas, anything you'd like to send us, within reason, I tell you. Uh, to
privycast@gmail.com. We'd love to hear from you. Um, if you want to see the nonsense that I'm doing, I'm over at owlet seven. Uh, I'm doing Pokemon go and weird treats. That's kind of my thing. As always, we'd like to thank Kevin McLeod for the use of bar room ballet as our intro and outro music. You can find Kevin's music at, uh, incompetent.com. His music is licensed under Creative Commons license Attribution 40. Thanks, Kevin.
We would also like to thank Pottington Bear for the use of all the colors in the world as the hunter's anecdotes, intro and outro, and for the use of camp as the poo in the news intro and outro. You can find Pottington Bears music@pottingtonbear.com. Thanks, Pottington. Leave us a rating or review. We'd love to hear from you. Uh, we're going to read some of those on the show. The five star options are
preferred. And make sure you write us a review. If you want me to have to read that, I will read it. Uh, and so go to Apple podcasts. Leave us a review. It helps others find the show, makes, um, that show a little more searchable. We'd love for you to do that, and we appreciate it if you do. Thank you so much. This brings us to the end of another episode of privy. Thank you so much for joining us. And now, as always, don't forget to flush close.