¶ Navigating the Complexity of Mother's Day
hey guys , this is sarah and whitney . Welcome back to preview lines podcast whitney , it's good to be back because we've been having to do some zooms because of life and life be life and my friends , it's just better though
I always love it when we're in person .
So in today's I would say it's a special one in some ways , but a hard one , yeah , and the title is why Mother's Day may be really hard .
There's so many , I mean it's a lot to unpack . It is multifaceted , I think you know . So often we do think of Mother's Day as it's a happy day . We get to bring mom breakfast in bed or get her her favorite flowers .
You know at least that's how it was for me growing up Like we would make construction paper cards for our mom , and it was always a happy thing .
Yeah , but now as an adult , after having gone through infertility , working with a lot of moms who have experienced loss and infertility maybe they had a strange relationship with their mom or their mom has died Different things of that nature . Mother's Day is not always this bright , sunshine and rainbows day that it is kind of promoted to be .
So I you know I love to deep dive and so I was like , why did Mother's Day even ?
come away . Oh , you went on the deep , deep dive .
I'm a rabbit hole .
And so what I figured out , so there is . Her name was Anna Jarvis , which , interestingly enough , she did not have any children of her own , Hmm , but her own . She really felt that moms and their children should have an intimate celebration , so the key here is intimate .
Oh , I love that In 1914 , president Wilson actually signed it in a bill that said that the second Sunday in May is Mother's Day .
Oh , that's really cool .
Now , as everything in life , right , sometimes we have an intention and it kind of spirals . Yeah , it gets twisted . Anna's intention of this me and you celebrating with our children appreciation bonding moment turned into a huge commercialization moment .
Well , of course .
So here comes .
Hallmark . We got to make a dollar off it , and that's what we do .
So she actually , at the end of the day before she passed , became against it because she said this is not what it was supposed to be .
It didn't live up to what she had intended it to do .
It is now over a $20 billion industry . Mother's Day .
I'm a little floored yeah .
So I'm a little floored by that . So if you take that in perspective of if it's hard for people and let's be real , like a couple of weeks leading up to it , maybe even a month , right , you're getting plastered with social media ads , floors start going .
I was about to say flower candy jewelry Spas .
So much of consumer market is coming at this holiday . That is triggering hard and that was not the purpose of it . And another thing that when I was diving into it is , even if you have a child right , you may be struggling and Mother's Day to you feels very blanketed , Like it's like really .
Again it's promoted as sunshine and rainbows a happy thing , which I mean . We want it to be a happy thing and I think Anna's intention was for happiness , for that bonding time with family , to make it this close , intimate experience . But again , let's look at a mom whose mom has died . Yeah it's going to be a very bittersweet thing because they hear it .
There is this like worldwide spotlight on this day and you don't have your mom , or you and your mom are no contact for whatever reason , and that happens a lot that may be . It does . You know you , maybe you didn't have a great mom figure in your life and so you're like , how do I celebrate this ? Because I never had that person .
Yeah .
Or on the flip side of that it's you're in the thick of infertility , You're in the thick of an adoption plan that maybe is just taking so many twists and turns that you didn't see coming . Yeah , Maybe you lost a baby , Maybe you've lost a child that you know was even in their teen years or an adult , and you're over there like am I still a mom ?
It is so intricate and multif .
It's multifaceted so hard I mean you mentioned it and like so when we so trying to get well okay . So back up , we got pregnant without purposeful intent with Ava , our first . For listeners who's new to this , it was a girl I miscarried at 13 weeks . Her name was Ava and I .
That following mother's day was horrific for me oh , I'm sure and but there hadn't been much time between the miscarriage there really wasn't and I was unprepared for it , so I felt like it was one of those things when you have a loss , no one says hey , mother's day , yeah , it's gonna be hard because christmas was really hard , right and I kind of expected that
, sure , but then Mother's Day , because then I did exactly what you said . Am I a mom ?
Yeah , am I a mom or not ?
Like you know , I knew she mattered and counted to me , but to the world it almost felt like no one recognized it Right . It was super uncomfortable .
And it made me feel very . I mean , I was just not in a good place right here in it .
And then it's really spotlighting your grief , gosh . It was horrible and it was a tricky grief , oh yeah tricky grief is sneaky they come . It comes at waves and layers , yeah , and then when we were trying because then we had to try we , we struggled to get pregnant with our oldest now will .
Yeah , that mother's day was super hard , right , because then it was like in my face I felt like all these people were like I'm a mom , I'm a mom . And then I was like , who am I if I can't be a ?
mom Right , what is my purpose if I can't do that ?
So it was very tricky and then I'll even add a different layer . So once I had Will , mother's Day came up and then I was so still hurt about Ava and that's something I think people are like . But you have a child .
But the thing is , if you miss Carrie , whether it's early on in a pregnancy , halfway , it's late term loss , it's a neonatal loss . Another child does not replace the child that died .
Exactly .
You know , I tell people all the time . You know what , if your child was 10 years old and died from whatever reason , no one would think well , if you have another child that replaces , so-and-so .
Yeah .
Because it doesn't .
No no .
It absolutely does not .
So that was layers of this that I never saw , and I think more and more we're seeing discord between moms and their parents and their mothers , and I don't know if it's we're a generation where we're trying to address things .
I wonder that because I do feel like millennials and generations behind us . We're so aware of generational traumas , patterns , whatever you want to call it , and we're over here like hey , hey , hey , we can do things differently .
Boundaries is a new concept for older generations .
Right , and so I do think that there is a big generational gap or difference in perspectives . I do think that we are becoming more assertive with our boundaries , we're more aware of okay , that's not an appropriate behavior
¶ Navigating Mother's Day Expectations
. And here's we all mess up . Absolutely we all mess up , we all say things that we don't need to say . We all parent in ways that we're like dang it , I shouldn't have done it that way . That's fair , but accountability for it .
Yeah .
Saying you know what I did screw up , that wasn't appropriate . I'm really sorry for it . Taking accountability and trying to change is different than saying oh well , I guess I was just the worst mom ever . No , no no , we're not going to play that passive aggressive gas that ?
gets me , and I think that that is why , again , if you go back to like this $20 billion industry of what a mother should be , what your relationship with a mother should be , how easily you should become a mother , right , it's like subconsciously pounding in our heads , right ?
And it makes it even harder when we all , yes , no one's reality is a hallmark , well , and I think it's a way of keeping up with the Joneses 100% . You know it's . You know we talk about social media comparison so often . I do think that when we have these holidays , there's a lot of propaganda involved . It is about marketing , it is about money .
It's pulling our heartstrings .
Yeah , and it's about keeping up with the Joneses of oh well , don't you want to get your wife this nice big ring ? Well , you know what ? Mary Sue , down the road , just got a big old ring or a big car , or whatever it may be , and so then we feel the need to keep up , keep up , keep up .
But you know what , maybe it's actually okay if we go back to the basics , maybe it's okay if we just get some takeout and just chill for the day .
You let her sleep in .
Kind of let mom call the shots and say I want X , y and Z . I will say you know , social media can be a trap sometimes . But I did see a really good video last year around Mother's Day where you had kind of the polar opposites of mom's . Like I don't want to have to tell them what I want for Mother's Day .
Well , I feel that on a certain level too , yes .
But there was one lady that said I understand like that is taking on mental load of saying I want this and this and this very specifically on Mother's Day , but what she told her husband is . I'm going to give you a guideline .
Okay .
Of . I want to eat barbecue that day , I want to spend some time outside and I want to sleep in . You have to pick the restaurant and make the reservations . You have to pick where are we going to go for a hike at , or go play outside at , sleeping in ? You already know that's going to be the front you give them some boundaries .
Right , it's an expectation , yeah , so let's keep that in mind too . Like , yes , we don't want to take on the full brunt of that mental load that we talked so often about .
I don't want to book my own spa appointment .
Right , you know you don't want to have to be the one planning all the things , but you can say I would really like to sleep in , eat at whatever type of food restaurant you would like a food restaurant you would like or get takeout , whatever that may be . Maybe you want a long bath .
Yeah .
Or , like me , maybe I want to go for a run and not have to worry about the house , maybe I don't want to do chores that day , you know , and just have that expectation of , hey , I'd like to do this , but I'm going to give you the reins . Now that I've given you that expectation and I felt like that was such a good , healthy balance .
It was because I mean it's like we all do it , because then you're not going to get let down .
Well , we all do it right , like in our heads we magically think our husbands or our partners or whoever in our life is going to celebrate us that day If that is not their baseline , that they're magically going to be empowered this day . So you're setting them and yourself up .
Oh yeah , Bitterness , resentment is going to come in .
We've all been there .
Oh , yeah , well , and it's different because you know , enneagram one , type A , I am the list maker . I do try to be on top of things because that's just how life be . But my husband , he is Enneagram nine , peacekeeper , keeper , not maker keeper . So he's going to be more of well , I don't want to rock the boat .
I'm just going to go with it .
Right , he's going to be more go with the flow , flexible , which is great in some situations because it calms down my type A Right . But I can't necessarily expect him to just fully take the reins on something , because that's not his personality .
And that's something I think we have to step back . I've had to step back and don't get caught up in the well , this is what her husband did , this is what he planned , planned , you know . It's just not worth it for you or them , right ? And I will say if this is , you know , if mother's day , let's , let's flip to a different situation .
you've lost your mom right and you dread this and especially if it's the first mother's day you know , and it's fresh .
It hurts your mom yourself , or even if you're not a mom , and it's fresh , it hurts You're a mom yourself , or even if you're not a mom , and it's like it's in your face . You know , everybody has this and I don't . Maybe you're thinking about things I should have said .
Maybe it's like you know , daily reminders of oh , I wish I could call and say this to her Right , and then it's just nationally , everybody's got a mom , but me feeling .
Right ? Well , because it is in your face , and so I would say , if you have lost your mom , whether it's been recent or not , if your mom has a terminal diagnosis or is in hospice care .
So you can anticipate .
Either this is the last Mother's Day with her or the first Mother's Day without her . Know that you're going to need to anticipate that that's going to be a challenging day .
Yeah .
It's not going to be the easiest thing in the world to deal with . Take time for that grief , you know . I tell clients often . You know , set a timer 15 , 20 minutes . Give those feelings space to be validated and felt and get out , because otherwise it's just going to get bottled up and sometimes Mother's Day can be a very busy day .
Again , you're going to these reservations . You might have to go see different sides of the family , what have you ? So it is one of those . You may have to kind of get up in the morning and say I'm going to get up before anyone can find me and have my time , that's okay . Maybe you have to do it the day before , maybe the day after .
It doesn't have to be on that day , because oftentimes , when we try to do it on that specific day , our brain dissociates as a way of protecting us , and so you may be sitting there thinking , okay , I need to cry . I need to cry when is it ? And it can't come because your brain's like this is just too hard and that happens .
I think more than not , and it can't come because your brain's , like this , is just too hard and that happens , I think , more than not , and people don't understand that . So I'm glad you mentioned that . Explain that . Because , I think there is situations that you're just ready for or you want it .
And then it's the next day after when you're , you know , in the drive-thru and someone hands you your food and says something and you just lose it Right and again , grief is sneaky . We never really know what is going to trigger a grief . Experience .
Like , for example , which a lot of our listeners know , I lost both my grandfathers , kind of back to back , at the end of 22 . Well , I was calling my dad one day just because my daughter wanted to talk to him on the way to school . The way my dad answered the phone sounded just like his dad and all of a sudden I was like oh , Super triggering .
It was one of those . For a split second I was like hey pop , and then I'm like no , no , that's dad , that's dad . Like my brain reverted to that's pop , but it wasn't . And so grief is sneaky . We never know or can anticipate the trigger or how we're going to respond to that trigger .
And that's the thing with grief and when we're talking in general , all these situations that we mentioned , is grief , like you cannot have something in grieving that and that is like not a child loss of child , loss of mother , not a relationship with a living mother .
Maybe you were adopted and you don't know who your biological mom is Right and or maybe your mom left Right . Well , all these reasons , you're not wrong if this day is not a happy day and no one's saying whitney , you have to be happy because you're a mother on this day and I think that just needs to say .
and if you're like , you know what , I'm not gonna even deal with mother's day , because I think mothers need to be honored and intimate , like Anna Jarvis said . Right , no one says you have to buy into this commercialized now holiday .
There's not a set standard as type A , as I am , and as much as I like to check my boxes and go and order a steps , we don't have to do that with holidays .
No , and that is . I heard someone say this other day I think it was about Valentine's and he was like I'm not going to let a national commercial marketing scheme tell me when or when not to celebrate the love of my wife .
Right , and I said the same for moms can apply . Oh , absolutely Well , can I tell you , on Valentine's Day I think I sent the simplest Valentine's with my children . I mean there was a little bluey Valentine's with a sticker in it , it which I thought for first grade and 3k that was appropriate .
Apparently , whitney is behind the times and I did not make the goodie bags and send all the things .
Welcome to the south , my friend .
I learned very hard to say but my children , we know we're gonna be buying the three dollar box valentines , because you know what it all ends up in the trash .
It really does , as I chuck some of those things . I refuse to buy into that standard . There is nothing wrong with it If this perks your love life interest on this little tangent we're off on now .
But I remember the very first time this happened , will was in K2 , I think Mom's day out a mom had monogram shirts sent home as valentine's gift and I had done the cvs walmart yeah and I was like I thought we were good yeah , same I .
I picked bluey because both my girls enjoyed bluey and I was like , hey , we're just gonna buy multiples of the same thing and then we share and so I was like I am not on the same level and that was interesting .
And then , yeah , and on that topic , you know we're not doing it for the kids . Honestly , when you get to that level , you're doing it for the other parents to see what you did yeah . Or you're just super talented and gifted , and that really is what .
Maybe your love language is gift giving . Yeah , I don't know . Yeah , again . That being said , like you don't have to buy into going big or going home . No , no , if you want to do a construction paper made card on Mother's Day , I would love that Do that .
Will sent me a Valentine in the mail that he mailed from his little school that he drew a heart and wrote mom in it Precious , I will cherish that .
Oh yes , that's a keeper , that one doesn't go in
¶ Navigating Mother's Day as a Parent
the trash .
But I would think what we could do for Mother's Day . And if you're like , okay , I don't want to deal with it , whitney , right , what can we do ? I would say biggest thing I've learned and you've taught me , whitney , and therapy sessions have taught me is knowing ahead of time what's triggering .
Right . If you know the day is already going to be hard , set your expectations low .
And maybe don't plan Like if being around a certain person Right Environment it's too loud , too much . You know it triggers you if you're running from place to place with your kids and constantly in and out and everybody's tired , not naps Right .
Transitions and change are hard anyway when it comes to young kids . So if you already know that's hard on your kids , therefore it's hard on you , but it's already a hard day . Maybe we need to eliminate some of that .
Maybe let's stay home more . Let's make sure , if you're in therapy , scheduling it close to would be very helpful .
Absolutely Before , after somewhere in that within a week , I would say within a week of it would be appropriate .
And I would say I love the fact that you say let's plan ahead , give yourself time that day . Oh yeah , wake up , set the alarm clock and you're like okay , my kids are up all night , so maybe it's during the day when your partner or spouse . You can just tap and say you know what ? I need that 30 minutes .
I'm going to go for a walk . This is when we play the Mother's Day card and say , tag , you're it . I'm going to go take some time .
I remember last Mother's Day we had got this obnoxious water bounce house thing . Costco was having this sale . Of course they did on Mother's Day , it works out . And I was like Bill , you can't complain , you have to put it up . I use that . I love it . But you know I am in a different stage where Mother's Days are not .
They're hard because I do think of Ava , but they're not as hard as they used to be .
It's not as consuming .
Yeah , Because I'm a little farther out , but definitely those early . I would get off social media . I didn't want to see Instagram .
Well , and that's a boundary , that's what we call a personal boundary , that is , knowing what you can take on and what you cannot take on .
So saying I'm taking a social media break , that's appropriate , that's fine . You don't have to see it and recognize you're again . If you're like , no , I'm fine with it . And then you're looking at it doing the comparison game yeah okay , that is a highlight of someone's life , right ? That is the grand moment that their child smiled . They smiled .
No one was having a meltdown right because you did the string trees wrong , or you cut an apple wrong , right , whatever that is . So don't judge your every day right to someone's highlight , oh absolutely not .
That is too much . They're going to show you snippets , and we're talking two to five seconds snippets of the good parts of their day .
Not the 24-7 . No , and they're not going to tell you that maybe they had disappointments , they had unmet expectations , right , they got in a fight with someone that day , right ? Because guess what , the days you want to make it and celebrate it , oftentimes something's going to come in like well , that again , life will life .
Life is not going to stop because , no , anna jarvis created a day for us . No , and then so if the dishes can wait .
The dishes can wait and chores can wait . Your house will not burn down if you don't vacuum on mother's day and I'm gonna say what some people are thinking .
Yeah , whitney , but who's to do it if I let it go that day ?
I know we do . I mean , because that has been me , I have paid the dues for that . But we are also allowed to give ourselves grace and a break and say , okay , I don't have to vacuum today .
Yeah , like really and truly , if there's not like an active spill going on that you need to clean up , like it's all good , it's an active spill going on that you need to clean up like it's all good .
It's and that it's all good because I feel that way , you feel that way . Yeah , right , if I'm not gonna do it , who , who will ?
well , yeah , or if they do do it .
You may find fault in how they do it okay , why are you ? Calling me out because we're the same person and it's just it , literally happens now ? Let's say you're going , you're going okay . That doesn't really apply to me . Everything's pretty okay , but you have friends . How do you support these friends ? That Mother's Day is hard .
So I actually have a very close friend . So she went through quite a bit of infertility treatment , got pregnant with twin boys through IVF .
They passed very shortly after their first birthday because of a very rare genetic disease that they had , and so in the mother's day leading up to her trying to get pregnant , I would just send her a text saying hey , thinking of you today , all that kind of stuff .
Because at that time my oldest was here , me and her were pregnant at the same time with our second kids , or with my second child and her twin boys . They were about two weeks apart in age and so when the first Mother's Day after their death happened so they died in August of 21 .
So we're talking May 22 rolls around I just sent her a text that said hey , I'm sure today can be really hard for you . I'm thinking about you , I'm praying for you . If you need to talk today , call me . And I just left it out there . I didn't force anything because maybe she didn't want to talk , maybe I'm not the person she wanted to talk to .
Very , very fair on that one , seeing as we were pregnant together at the same time my daughter was the same age as her son , right . And it's like you may love that person .
Oh yeah , but it is just hard , right , like it just reminds you , right , and so I didn't want to push boundaries with her and make her uncomfortable and force her into a conversation that she may not have wanted to have in the first place , or with me Again , very fair but I made myself available to her and was just like hey , I'm here , I'm thinking about
you , I'm praying for you . If you need to talk today , call me , I'm open for that . Whatever you need , I am here for today .
I like that and I think if someone's lost their mom , if someone's lost the child or they're going through infertility , I think it's the same thing .
People have a weird way of mental health topics in general , they think , okay , I don't want to trigger Whitney into getting more depressed or more anxious when the reality is talking about it and checking in on that person , you're saying I'm a safe space Right , well , and I'm validating that her sons lived , and that is something that she is a mom .
It is so tragic that her sons died yeah , especially given the year that they lived in turmoil , essentially in and out of the hospital , more days in the hospital than at home , yeah , but acknowledging that her sons lived , yeah , that they have names , yeah , that she is a mom , yeah , she is a mom , a hundred percent .
You know . And then you know on the flip side like say they've lost their mom , they had a mom there's , you know , Right , and that memory is their mom . Or loss of a mom , I just think anybody saying you know what , whitney , yeah , I'm like , I'm here for you . I'm sorry , right . I can imagine this you need me .
That is willing to talk so much further . Oh yeah .
And I think sometimes you feel like people ignore it because it's uncomfortable and give them grace .
But it really doesn't take much , just send a text or a call or just a thinking of yeah , absolutely , Because it's nice to be acknowledged .
And I think that's what we're all in this life looking for . And on a total different note , I will just say , with Mother's Day and I hear this a lot I call it active versus veteran Mother's Day celebration . Right , and when I'm talking about this is we have sometimes a push , pull of we're active moms .
Oh yes .
We're active duty In the trenches we are in the trenches of , we are actively mothering young children . Our lives are . It's not about us , right ? You know ? Sleep , food you know we sacrifice so much stage of motherhood and then there's , I call it the veteran moms who their kids have grown . They flew the coop .
Even I would say moms of high schoolers who they're self-functioning yeah , like they can get themselves dressed , they can bathe themselves . You know the supervision is a little . It's different , but it's a little less Right .
So you've , you're not doing your . I mean activities of daily life .
You know they don't depend on you .
Yeah , so I would put out a PSA here . It's about the active duty moms . It's about the active duty moms .
Yeah , meet them where they're at , however that may look , I you know , grandma saying we always go to this fancy or doesn't have to be fancy , but just not child friendly location restaurant that you're going to have to load your kids up , you're going to have to run around constantly , you're on edge because they're going to break something .
Not eat . Of course they are .
Not miss and , like your mother and you're just like what , this does not serve me . So I would say I would challenge our active moms to set a boundary , oh yeah . Or to say you know what ?
Self-care is a non-negotiable for me today and that that means not going right and traveling around the world to put me and my children in a situation which I know me and my husband's going to fight about . Or I have to hear for the 50th time how your mom walked to school in the snow with 10 kids on her back in the middle of July .
I think that's okay .
Yeah , oh yeah , we've gotten to where we go to my parents' house on Mother's Day , and it's really nice because my dad will cook out something on the grill .
You're not cleaning it back up .
I'm not hosting , but their house is childproof-ish enough for my children . Yeah , I've got backup . I've got extra hands to where my mom will even say Whitney , you need to go sit down and eat . I've got the kids .
Yeah .
You know , yes , so we're getting to that point . We're like you know what ? We don't have to go to a restaurant .
If you do takeout , fabulous , like whatever you want us to eat , we'll eat , but we go there because it works for everybody and I think that's something people not realize , so my mom gets something and I get something , and it's just nice , it's a good compromise .
It is a good compromise , so if Mother's Day is feeling hard , you're not alone and if it's a friend , reach out right and take time for yourself . But just know that you know what anna intended was an intimate celebration that you felt as a mom mom to be celebrating , loved and that's what we wish for you all right .
So happy mother's day to all our listeners and we will see you guys next week see ya , maternal mental health is as important as physical health .
¶ Motherhood and Mental Health Support
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