¶ Moms Putting Oxygen Mask on First
Hey guys , welcome back to Preval Alliance Podcast . This is Sarah With Whitney Whitney's with us . We are virtually together thanks to very appropriate topic that we're going to cover , and the title of this episode with me is why is it so hard for moms to put our own oxygen mask on first ?
Well , you and I have lived this for the past week and I have two weeks . Yeah . So my husband , a week ago , had his wisdom teeth taken out , was down for the count for several days after , and then , naturally , monday rolls around in . My three year old wakes up with a 101.1 fever , telling me her mouth hurts . And it was stripped .
Because why wouldn't it be stripped ?
Why not ?
Why not ? Why not Y'all overcame the stomach bug , so ?
it was literally the same , like minute . I texted Whitney a picture of baby James and she was like I was texting you and if her daughter and I was just like what is happening ? I literally was like what Whitney is occurring ?
But this is not like a one off in our lives and I know our listeners are probably like it seems the same for , like you get into a routine perhaps , and then it's a sporadic event the sicknesses , the work deadlines , the family life you know , we just recently had a death in our immediate family as well and it just seems that moms can't take a break and
that's why we can't put our oxygen mask on . And I had to fly for the funeral recently and I paid attention to this statement right , it's like case of emergencies . Right , air mask , we're going to drop from the ceiling . If you're traveling with a minor , what do they always say Please put on your own mask before helping them .
And I thought to myself have you thought about this , whitney , like this happened ? Right , god help us all . This doesn't happen . Do you think you would put yours on or the girls on first ? Like , realistically , what would you ?
do Just one percent . You know I'm going to dive over anything and everything to put their mask on first .
Uh-huh the same , and that concept is something we need to explore more . When it comes to , you know , obviously we're not talking about oxygen here , but we're talking about the things that give us mom , oxygen , life and breath , and you know , I got on this like tangent rabbit hole , like .
So let me hear the logistics of this airline mask situation , because yes , whitney , would be 100 percent . I visualize her leaping , her body Flying , what , probably yelling at her to man , put yours on first .
Whitney's probably going to have some security if we land safely , just because I was going to say Whitney's going to never fly again after this .
But you know it's saying that for people who are like , okay , let's talk about the why of this . Most minors they said this is what airlines are telling me cannot reach for their own Oscar mask , right ? It's too high , right ? Or not be able to do it , like the dexterity to put it on , and they get panicked , right ?
So the adult passengers needs our oxygen mask on first , then to help others , because if we are in this situation and we've put it on our kids , then they cannot put it on us , right ?
So we've lost the oxygen we pass out .
Yeah , it's cliche , it's uncomfortable , right , but it's like you have to , as a mom which we're learning how to do this prioritize yourself , literally , put your mask on , because I know that I have not , especially in this season of life of littles .
And then I hear you know moms in different stages it may be it's the sports , or maybe it's a child is having some challenges and now you're going to , you know you're bringing them back into the home . Whatever level that is , we feel guilt , right . It feels really hard to say I need to do something for me , and a lot of them struggle with that .
Well , yeah , well , and I think some of it is because , you know , when our babies are born , they're literally dependent on us for everything . They've been dependent on us to make it to labor and delivery . They're dependent on us to feed them , however we choose to feed them .
They're dependent on us to change their diaper , to bathe them , to clothe them , to put a roof over their head . They are 100% dependent on us . So , as moms , it's almost a survival instinct that we put them first , because that's how life goes in the beginning .
And so then you separate it out , like the sickness and the illness and all of that that's going through our families . You know , especially like my husband was down for the count , you know . So I'm doing school pickup , I'm doing homework , I'm doing separate time , bath time , bedtime .
I'm doing all the things because my seven and three year old aren't capable of that . You know they're not capable of getting themselves home . No , my seven year old can put a few things in the microwave , like they can grab an uncrustible or a gogurt out of the fridge . So technically , yes , they could get some nutrition if they had to .
But I wouldn't dare trust my three year old to bathe herself .
No .
And you know like we have to do those things and it can do so much of us .
Well , and I think you hit the nail on the head right Like and it's just , I don't think we're ever fully Okay .
I want to say this we're never fully prepared to be a mom until you're a mom Like you know , you can try , you can listen to everything , but when it hits you and you hit the nail on the head that this little thing is so dependent on you , right , and even I struggled , knowing he was warm , fed , changed , perfect , little bundle of joy , swaddled up letting
someone else watch him . So mom does something else for herself . So for me it started super early on , right . And then I think , too , it's generational that we've heard , you know what is this picture of a perfect mom or a good mom ? Right , she sacrifices , she puts her kids first .
Or , you know , I put X on the back burner for you , you know , to raise you . You can see in generations now where their marriages are falling apart , right , because they never prioritized their marriage , it was always the kids . Or you see the midlife crisis where the kids grow and you know it's like they're trying to regain what they lost .
So the generation expectations of good women put other people first . That thing like that starts early . That starts early .
Absolutely . It does Absolutely Well , and in the South too , which I've only lived in the South . So let me just say that , let me preface that I've only lived in the South , so I don't have a great frame of reference .
¶ Prioritizing Self-Care for Moms
I think it is so conditioned into us that we have to be submissive , impressive to others and then that we're not allowed to speak up for ourselves , that we're not allowed to verbalize or vocalize our needs , our wants . You're being selfish , you're being outrageous , you know just all this different stuff and it's just wild . It's wild .
We wanted to put ourselves last . We kind of get this is probably a strong word , so I don't know that it's the greatest word , so forgive that , listeners . We almost get indoctrinated into thinking that we're not allowed to speak our needs .
We're praised when we don't right Rose .
And that is very toxic . It's very toxic . We are allowed to verbalize our needs , and so you know that being said again . Like my husband had surgery , but I mean that's a medical need , right ?
Like you're down for the count , you've got anesthesia , you're in pain , you can't eat real food for several days , like I understand , okay , I am going to have to go in the back burner because that's just the cards I'm dealt this week , yeah .
So when we know that it's a temporary thing , like that , I know , okay , you know , in a week and a half I'm going to say , hey , I need to go to Target by myself , or I need to go for a run , or I need to just do something and get a breather .
Yeah .
You know , maybe you know listeners , judge if you will , it's fine . I had judged myself plenty , so no worries there .
But you know , it was on the weekend and I was just kind of truly maxed out , Like I was just physically , mentally spent , had done , you know , all the things for our kids from like Wednesday through Sunday , including getting both kids dressed and ready and taking my oldest to her first basketball game . My brain was just kind of done .
See , you know what Whitney did ? Whitney charged up the tablets and I told my kids I'm like I need you to hang out and watch Disney in your room for 20 minutes while I get a breather .
I mean you're not seeing wrong with that ? There's nothing wrong with that .
Because that's the only way I could actually put myself first a little bit yeah , Just saying I need a break . I need a little bit of time where somebody doesn't need something from me .
Well , and you know what . Here's the reality too . And if you see a dad golfing , hunting , going to a sporting event , guarantee you knowing he's asking them who's watching their kids . But if we go right , so say , girls , weekend , you're at Target by yourself , you're your run , I'm doing my workout , what do people say , well , who's got the kids ?
And then if you say , well , they're dad , but like , why is that ? I mean , that still shocks me . Sometimes I'm just like , you know , sometimes I not so kind responses oh , they're watching themselves , you know , and they just look at me and I'm like , really Do you think ? like , do you think I'm letting ?
these two .
You got sassy ? I don't believe it . Do I get sassy ? Yes , because I sometimes it's like well , I know they mean well , but it's like . It's that back of like why ?
Why are we not allowed to prioritize ourselves ?
Why are you judging that ? And then , yeah , then I do the same thing , I judge myself and I'm like , should , I feel bad that I took this time ? You know ? No , you shouldn't . And I think too , it's like this culture as well that , like rest , is looked at as lazy .
Right the rest is productive Right , and I think moms in our head right , it's like we probably childhood on our worth and our productivity may have been tied together right . So it's like , oh , your house is clean , you've done this laundry , you've picked up the groceries , you're working , you got the kids , all these things right .
So I'm valued , I'm worth right , and I think , especially when I was a stay at home mom , I really struggled with that was I had to prove like what I was doing constantly , you know , right . So I think that comes into it to play . People don't talk about that .
And lack of support you know , we , this village , is that they've all said we need and is out there . It's not reality for a lot of us , I'd say most of us . And even if you do live close to family .
I think there's sometimes a shift in family of like I raised my kids , you got you , you know , I did it , instead of being like , no , if mom's healthy , if she has this time , if she's bettering herself or her working on her marriage , then the kids are gonna be better and life's better .
Well , and I think too , when you know we are getting older , so are our parents or distant family , if that is who your help is .
They tend to have more medical things going on , so they've got more appointments or obligations , procedures maybe things of that nature , so they're not as able to just be like , sure , let me , I can come on down and give me an hour and I'll be there , kind of thing .
So even the difference with my kids being three and a half years apart and then like COVID , kind of impacted that some .
My mom used to come down every other week on a Thursday , pick my oldest up from daycare , spend that afternoon with her , and so that was super helpful for me because , you know , if I needed to stay late at the hospital and get something done , I knew that I could . That safety net was there .
Or my husband said you know what , why don't we just do like a quick Chick-fil-A date or something like that ? We knew we had that safety net built in Within . You know , 2020 came along , I was pregnant with my youngest and then , bam , you know , march , april hit , and that's when COVID was such a big to do , so that pushed people away .
Well , and then you know a lot of people that listen probably already know this about my life . You know my grandfather's health started to decline . My mom lived 10 minutes from him .
So naturally she's a caretaker .
So I absorbed and I don't say this to be like me or anything like that , but I absorbed any of the hits of my kids getting sick , I was the one to have to call out and things like that , because that's just how life was .
That's reality , I mean if a kid's sick in my house . Who I call ? I mean I stop , preview Alliance stops there as personal life stops . I know majority of my friends majority it is them and even like , who does the school call ? They call mom , like it's just right , like and I don't know . You know the slack of support too .
When I say that it's not , I mean you have single moms , which I mean hats off , 100% right , let me tell you I have so much respect for them , my gracious , it wears you to . I mean it's a lot to carry . That like it's on you , like it's on you . And you know we have our military moms or their spouses are deployed .
Or you know when Bill , when we were in our previous location , his hours , I mean there was days that it was me myself and I and so taking that break to me also felt hard because , well , if I take time to rest or recover , that laundry is still there .
I don't have a laundry ferry .
No , those groceries are not .
You can find one . You let me know .
I'll send it to you an ever listener as a promo for whatever company has this and say here you go , here's our laundry .
but If the laundry ferry is listening . Just know we will . I mean job security over here .
We would love that .
But I think it's just . There is a lot of factors that come into play . So when moms , we hear this thing right , we'll just take a break , we'll just take time for yourself . It's simply not that easy For a lot of us . It means you're delaying a task that will have to be done .
If you don't have help to delegate that to and you don't have outside help , right , you have to sometimes pay for childcare . Oh yeah , we do , you know I do . If we do date nights . It's a babysitter which I have learned to . You know , I cried when I left , we moved and I lost some of our babysits . I mean , I cried .
They probably these wonderful college age girls were probably like is this woman off her mind ? Yes , I am , because I'm losing them but they allowed . You're a beautiful village Right , and it was something I was trying to explain to them and I said I prayed one day when you were a mom , you had a ? U for you to like , be able to feel comfortable to .
I could do work stuff , but I could also take time for myself and know my child was loved and cared for , safe , and they would clean up after themselves and my house would look better than when I left it . And it was just . I think they needed to see that too in a generational way .
So hopefully they get what being a mom's like right , so they're not so shell shocked With that . I think it's hard for us to have role models in this situation that goes hey , whitney's doing this , look how awesome Whitney prioritizes herself . Right , I want to be like Whitney .
You know like you need a cheerleader to cheer you on , to prioritize yourself , but you also need that person to kind of pay that way , and that's not really there right now because we're all kind of the same season of life , of like when you figure it out , you let me know , Right , yeah , absolutely .
Well , and I think there's generational gaps to with that , because at least in this economy , more often than not it is a two income family just to make ends meet , whereas when you were growing up in the 90s and even in the early 2000s , you didn't necessarily have to have two full time working parents .
You can have , you know , the dad that did work outside of the home . Mom may have stayed at home or mom may have done a part time gig , and so you know , she may maybe have the ability to have more flexibility of oh it's my off day from work , the kids are at school , I can kind of get the house together .
I can do things for myself , yeah , stuff like that .
Totally and you know , think , solve this real . And it was like do you feel I don't feel guilty running , I'm taking time for myself ? I feel guilty when I snap at my kids more , have less patience for my husband and I was like that's the reframe a Whitney word I love is there is consequences when we don't put our mask on first .
It's like on the airplane where we could pass out ourselves and our kids not be able to help us right . In this situation , our kids can't help us fill our own cups , fill our own needs , Right . So how that looks like to me . When I don't do that and I can say this very well because I live this well come a lot more than that is burnout .
I feel resentment , irritability . My patients is zero , I mean .
I'm not going to lie to anybody . You know , this past Sunday , when I got to that point where I'm like , okay , I need , I need 20 minutes without somebody needing me , I remember telling my kids and , like y'all , I'm starting to feel frustrated . I know that my patients is thin .
Please , unless you absolutely have to have something , don't ask for anything for a couple of minutes while I get your tablets ready , because I need a breather .
I mean it's harder self regulate . We talk about sensory . I mean I will feel like , even like my hair being down will bother me , like that little , like extra thing , or like hair on my legs if I haven't shaved TMI for everybody . But it's like I'll be like , oh , I don't like , it just would bother me .
But I'm like , because my whole has not chilled out , like I'm living at this level of burnout . Right and honestly , we can't be there for our kids , our job , our spouse , our family If we don't start with us .
Absolutely so . I can remember one of my really good friends when I was pregnant with my oldest , and it was actually rooted in something different . But what she said , I think , can be used in many different areas . She said if the mother ship goes down , everybody goes down with her .
Yeah , and so it's not selfish for us to have self care , to prioritize ourselves . Are there times , like I said me last week , when my husband had surgery and then my youngest got strep immediately after , where I'm like , well , I'm on the back burner , like that 's , that's how it is right now .
Yeah , there are times where you kind of have to accept Okay , life is life and it's just dulling out the punches here . But you say , okay , there's going to be a light at the end of the tunnel and I know that in maybe a week or two weeks I'm going to be able to say I need to go do something for me .
Yeah , what else do you tell your clients that really struggle with this , that every single day that you say struggle with it ?
You know , it makes me wonder , you know , do they have any village or childcare at all ?
Yeah .
If you do , let's just say that your child is going to a preschool or a daycare that is open five days a week . You're already paying that full tuition , like our daycare doesn't do a partial tuition .
Yeah , ours didn't either . It was all or nothing . You use it , you use it .
Exactly
¶ Prioritizing Self-Care for Moms
so . What I would say to that mom is you know you may be in the routine of Monday , wednesday , friday or two or three days out of the week , but you're already paying that full-time tuition . Go ahead and send your kid an extra day .
Yeah , you don't have to do it every single day .
You don't even have to do it every single week , but you need to do it for you . You're already paying for it . If that's the case for you , utilize it . Yeah , if you do have family that's nearby , ish say , hey , can we get together and figure out a time where you know maybe you can keep the kids overnight on the weekend or something . I'm really exhausted .
Yeah , I know enough that . I texted my mom on Monday and said , hey , I think my youngest has strep again . And she said , well , keep me posted on it . And then we went to the doctor long hauled . Of course it was strep , because why wouldn't it be and she immediately texted back do you need me to keep her tomorrow so you can go into work ?
Love your mom . Yes , not all heroes wear capes and she's one of those Often times .
for mayors too .
Yes and she . We live about an hour and a half apart from each other , so not crazy far , but it's still a distance .
Yeah .
Where you know , monday morning at 6 30 , I couldn't say hey , can you be here in an hour so I can go to work by 8 ?
Yeah , she ain't down the street , yeah .
Right . So you know , it's one of those . I knew immediately . Oh , my husband just took a week off of work for wisdom teeth surgery . You don't have another day .
No , it was one of those . It happens and I mean that's hot felt with the loss and the GI bug . It's like well , and you know , to any employers or bosses listening to this , I think you need to hear this message too . Is that when the moms call out and you're just like , well , how does this stuff keep happening to her ?
We are not making this up , we do not want our we do not want our children sick . We do not want to be navigating these losses .
You know and it's .
Sometimes it does feel like I can't make this up , what is happening , and that's hard , yeah . So please just realize in this stage she is giving her best to you as an employee , and grace , and it is not her choosing this and I think that's something people think .
Absolutely not , because it's one of those . I had texted my boss and I said hey , if I she woke up with a 101.1 fever , she can't go to daycare . We're going to go to urgent care .
I'm going to go ahead and reschedule everybody before lunchtime because my last two people today were virtual and I was thinking , okay , like I might could swing doing those , come after , yeah . And you know , when I got on virtual I said , hey , I'm at home with a sick kid .
You can choose to reschedule , that's perfectly fine , I will give you that freedom to do that . Or just know , my three year old's quite going to walk in here at some point . Want to be held .
And you know that's the thing is why I tried to have I did not have that perspective or give grace to you , to workers , or truly understand the weight that moms were carrying when they're at a job or they're caring for another person , like we're stay the , what we bring into . That is hard .
So when she does have that few minutes of break or she has that girls weekend that probably took a year and a half to plan because everybody's kid gets sick , or to arrange childcare , like don't shame her , don't add to her , like let her go , like handle it like you already have some mom guilt anyway .
Don't add to it , don't tell her no , and this is something I'm having to work on myself . Part of it is the work ethic that I have , part of it is people pleasing being real . Part of it is new . I booked two and a half to three weeks out . I hate pushing people out that far , especially if they've already been waiting to get in .
So it's one of those already feel guilty . If I have to call people , especially spur of the moment , say I'm really sorry , but my kid is sick , I can't send them to schools today . I'm going to have to call out . I'm like , please , as best you can like , understand , we're not doing it because we want to .
Yeah , I could have planned that day to be off instead . It would have been totally different . I would have been like well , balls are today anyway . Yeah , it is . But as far as me , I know that I struggle with that people pleasing .
I already internalize and feel that guilt as it is , you know , and what I've had to learn to say is you know what life happens to everybody . Nobody is immune from life .
Nobody has this bubble around them that keeps their kids from getting sick or keeps death from happening to their family , or the car doesn't start that morning , or whatever the case may be , nobody is immune or bubbled from life . Life is going to happen to everybody .
Yeah , but we would give that same grace and allowance to somebody else , we should give that to ourselves .
Which is hard , I mean , and I think stuff that has helped me and we talked about this is journaling our feelings . Whitney has taught me a lot about voice journaling and I think that's a huge thing for these moms who are like feeling overwhelmed . They want to start prioritizing themselves First . Get it out Like I think it's helpful .
Just to say this is how I'm feeling , like I can't catch a break , like I feel guilty if I want to get my nails done . I feel guilty if I want to have dinner after work , not rush home to the kids . Find that role model . I'm that one friend or challenge .
Hey , whitney , I want you to tell me next time you do something for you and send it to me and I want to cheer you on . I think that's huge . Like what he said scheduling the me time . Take advantage of paid childcare or pay for that childcare , and don't just put it . Put a date . I am having a date with my husband .
I am having a date with my best friend . I'm going to take this time and block it like you would .
A meeting , just like this , is value and that the only way it doesn't happen is those emergencies like a sickness , death , like Protect it the same way you would your work schedule .
Which is boundaries , you know and remember . People don't have to like anything you do , like that really doesn't matter , Like what you do for you and your family is no one else's business . So that boundary , this is my time . This is because I , according to me , I also , according to my family , set that hard boundary .
Communicate openly how you feel , honestly , if that's with yourself or with your friends , family , like I love , how you said to your girls I need this time . This is how I'm feeling . So guess what , when they feel that way , they're learning early . Hey , ma takes care of herself .
So we're stopping that generational burnout , resentment , guilt , role dysmorphia here that we've got going on . And you know I too , like you know , I love one thing about our church is they have a really great Sunday school for the kids , and so I get to have my time . My kids love going to Sunday school class , but go a few minutes early to stuff like that .
Have yourself hot coffee , sit in the lobby , sit , take a minute , you know . You don't have to rush to their classroom when service is over . Speak to someone you know there , take a minute and pause . Nothing wrong with that . You can find piecemeal little little times during the day . And this is us challenging you guys that put your mask on first , whitney .
I'm challenging you on the next airplane to think about this and to just know that you're you're bettering , you're honestly bettering yourself and your family . It's hard , you have to be intentional , and nothing happens by accident . It only happens by intention .
Well , and one thing I saw on Instagram . You know , especially if you go to a gym , let's just say that you are a state home mom , you don't have pre-K , you don't have Mother's Day out , you don't have a daycare , but let's just say you do have a gym membership , because some gyms can be as inexpensive as $30 a month . So way better than daycare .
Yeah , yes , yes .
I mean way better than daycare .
Daycare is the second mortgage at times .
Oh , it's more than our . Yeah , we just got the receipt for the year and when I tell you , the palpitations kicked in . When you see it all together , it's awful . But this lady was very strategic , like she scoped out her gyms . Let me just say that , like she did her research , she toured , she did all the things .
She found a gym that offers free childcare and you know what ? She'll go there once a week and instead of working out while her kid is in that childcare , she goes next door to the cafe .
Yeah , I mean , I have a friend who lives in the school or uses the pool there . I mean , and here's the reality , and this is a harsh reality , but if you don't do it for yourself , no one else is gonna do it for you when it comes to this because they're gonna want to take , take , take .
And it's not that they want you to fall into this burnout or a simple mess , necessarily . It's that this is society's way that we take , take , take , and if you will give , someone will take . So we're challenging you to put your oxygen mask on first .
But I think this is a great episode for you guys just to take to heart and challenge yourself , make it a group thing , make it a friend thing and just know you matter , like this is us saying you matter , you deserve this , and maybe the airlines are right in the first place , maybe so . Okay , guys , thanks for being with us .
We will be back next week , but have a great week , all right . Bye y'all .
Returnal .
¶ Support for Postpartum Mental Health
Mental health is as important as physical health . The previous Alliance podcast was created for and by moms dealing with post-partum depression in all its variables , like anxiety , anger and even apathy . Hosted by CEO founder Sarah Parkhurst and licensed clinical social worker Whitney Gay , each episode focused on specific issues relevant to pregnancy and postpartum .
Join us and hear how other moms have overcome mental health challenges , as well as access tips and suggestions on dealing with your own challenges as moms . You can also browse our podcast library and listen to previous episodes at any time . Please know you're not alone on this journey . We're here to help .