¶ Introducing Whitney's Honest Take
hey guys , welcome back to preview lines podcast . This is sarah and I am back with whitney and whitney hot seat time not in a hey whitney way , which our listeners love different .
This is a little different , so you guys may have seen this going around on social media , but it's like what I would tell you if I wasn't afraid to hurt your feelings or offend you .
So , whitney , as a therapist , what would you tell us if you were no holds barred , in the loving , straightforward way , give us some truth bombs that we can go away with and kind of own some of our stuff that we bring to our therapist .
Okay , so I'm going to step on toes , so just be ready , people .
But you're still boots on . Here she goes .
Still toe boots . Because here we go
¶ You Contribute More to Your Strife
. If I could tell you anything and I wasn't afraid to hurt your feelings you probably contribute more to the stripe in your life than you realize 100% .
Whether it be pre-assumed reactions of another person , whether it is judgments that you have of other people not realizing that they are there , whether it's that you are the hyperactive in your ADHD , whether that is hyperspending , whether it is hypersexual , whether it is hypersleep , whether it is , you know , hyperactivity to the point where you don't allow yourself to
rest . You might actually be the hyper in your ADHD and you don't want to bring that down . So , sometimes we add more complications into our life than we are willing to take accountability for .
Yeah , I see that and I think a lot of people get familiar with . It can be toxic , it can be negative , it can be You're familiar with kind of cycles or you're familiar with certain ways and to break those Is difficult and it's hard Absolutely , and it's a way of controlling Right . You know Self-sabotagers . They will sometimes self-sabotage To control that Right .
One thing I've seen in themes too , is we're not broken right , but we are responsible for our healing . It's people being stuck in something that has happened to them that's not their fault . You know like we'll use me as an example of my traumatic births and my trauma .
Right , I was not responsible for what happened to that , but I had to take some responsibility for my healing
¶ Trauma Explains But Doesn't Excuse
.
Right . So with that I always say trauma can explain your behavior , but it doesn't excuse it . Oh yeah , yep , some toes were stepped on with that , but it is the truth .
Once we get to be an adult , we have to recognize that , yes , we survived trauma , whatever that trauma might be , but that doesn't give us a pass to be the martyr or the victim for the rest of our lives . Yes , it hurts you . I understand that it hurts you .
Let's heal it hurts you . I understand that it hurts you . Let's heal . Yeah , healing is hard and healing takes work , and I've done two full rounds of EMDR therapy for my trauma . And did I want to go back to those thoughts and feelings ? No , did I . Did I at some point get comfortable with knowing certain triggers ?
And that's how I acted , right , yes , and was I quick to say , well , that triggered me or that's that , instead of going , ooh , sarah , we got it . That's not an excuse for that .
Correct Yep , it can explain what you've been through .
Totally . And I think somebody is like , oh great , how do I move forward ? I think it is saying and I think somebody's like , oh great , how do I move forward ? I think it is saying , well , how can I ? What's one thing that I can do to take responsibility for that or what's one step towards that ?
Maybe that is calling that therapist and saying you know , I am still living this out and it's 20 years ago . I'm still reeling , my relationships are still impacted because how my father left me , or I'm still not able to move past X , but that is one that is going to cause some people to be triggered .
On the healing aspect , what's your thoughts of not taking time for truly healing and doing the work trying ? to still live our lives . I'm going to spend one hour of Whitney a week and that's going to be all my commitment to something that really needs a lot of work with Whitney , but I'm going to expect Whitney to be my magician and to fix me .
¶ Therapy Isn't Magic: Do The Work
So I hate to break it to y'all Social workers slash . Therapists are not magicians . If we were , we would have worked ourselves out of a job by now . That being said , therapy and healing takes a lot more intentional work and time outside the four walls of the therapy office .
And that is hard because initially , when a lot of people do come to therapy , they are looking to the therapist to help explain what's going on , maybe help them figure out kind of who they are , what makes them tick , help them figure out coping skills for what they have endured . And that is what we are here for . We are here to equip you .
However , if you don't use those tools outside of the therapy office , I basically just handed you a toolbox that's riding around in the back of your car . So what good is that going to do ?
When you walk into your house and you've got a broken pipe but you're like I don't want to go to the car and get the wrench out to deal with it you're going to have a leak and that leak will get bigger and worse over time .
Yeah , Ooh on to the coping skills . You're not a bad mom , but your coping skills might need some tune-ups .
Right and that's normal If you think about it , especially if we have gone through trauma , especially because I feel like we are just now really , as a society , getting to a point where we are more emotionally mature . We were probably taught not great coping skills .
I mean , honestly , alcoholism , overeating , overexercising , being a workaholic drug use as well , things of that nature . I mean getting addicted to your phone or to TV .
I was going to say doom scrolling .
Yeah , doom scrolling , all of these different things , gambling , all of those things can definitely numb what we're going through . Yeah , we talk about a dopamine hit . That's a dopamine hit . We talk about a dopamine hit . That's a dopamine hit . That is absolutely a dopamine hit . And dopamine is our feel-good hormone .
So , yeah , you're gonna feel good when you do those things because you're activating that hormone , but just because it gives
¶ Hyper-Independence and Perfectionism Traps
you the feel-good hormone doesn't actually mean that it's good for you or beneficial for you . Those coping skills are unhealthy and they are more harmful than anything , and so when you come to therapy , it's not uncommon to look for better coping skills .
That's very appropriate , and I will do coping skills with people till I am blue in the face , and I am glad to do it . However , you have to utilize those coping skills in the real world .
And eventually your children will cope the way you cope Correct , and that , I think , is the biggest thing that has been a mirror for a lot of people in this generation of moms is if we don't do the work , our children will never do the work . And it's again passing , that generational trauma . It's like at what point does the buck stop with you ?
And I think , on motherhood ? It doesn't erase your need for self-care , it amplifies it . And we believe in sometimes we are are the own worst enemy . Our own superheroes , our own . We're going to control everything .
We're going to prove to ourselves and Jane down the block , how amazing we are , and at the expense of ourselves , our connections , our needs , and we burn out , and we're burning ourselves out trying to be the Pinterest mom , trying to prove something , trying to find our identity . It's really messy .
Well , hyper independence is a trauma response , because at some point you've learned that you can't rely on others but you can rely on yourself . So feeling the need to be perfect kind of shields you from any type of negativity or shame or guilt or judgment that you could experience .
But what facilitates that perfectionism is also hyper independence , because , again , if you can't rely on others but you can rely on yourself . It's that old adage of well , if I want it done right , I have to do it myself . And it's actually a self-sabotage too .
It goes real deep . And then I think another one is something I've learned as being in therapy is what you come to therapy say X about your therapist . You have to be open and willing for your therapist to point out things that's come from your history , your family . You're doing is really the cause . You may think , oh , it's this apple .
And you're like whoa , whoa , we got to go back to orchard here , because this is the issue . A lot of us want to go into something and say just fix this problem , whitney , it's just this one situation , fix this . And we're not open to really digging deep and peeling back those onion layers .
Well , and you know so many people do come into therapy saying I really need some help with this specific issue .
So again , primarily a lot of my clients are moms that are either dealing with pregnancy anxiety , depression or they're dealing with postpartum mental health concerns that they are going through and I will absolutely do crisis intervention with them , I will do solution focus to get them those coping skills . But the thing is , once we get you kind of where that is
¶ More Capable of Healing Than You Think
settled okay , we've addressed this center issue that you came in for , but our lives are spider webs . So here's the thing chances are this that you came in for that we've gotten settled , is connected to something else that has created very similar feelings within your life and that is also connected to something over here .
And then at this point in your life and at a different point in your life , you can't touch any part of that spider web without it actually making the other parts move . Everything in our life that happens affects a different part of us in our lives . That's why we talk about inner child so much .
It could be inner teenager , it could be inner college kid , you All of those things . It impacts us and takes us back to something that has occurred to us at an earlier point in our lives .
Yeah , and a lot of us want to leave that behind , don't want to relive it , maybe never learn that those parts happen . And I think one thing that I've learned too , just in couples counseling , is your partner can't read your mind , just like your child can't read your mind .
Your boss can't read your mind your therapist may have a good idea about what's going on in your mind . But also too , if I come in and I just tell you my side of the story , whitney , and I really frame it to really just be me-centric me looking great . You only know what I tell you Right , and that's the thing .
As a therapist , we can only do with what we're told . I can assume that you're being dishonest with me and I can try to call it out in a nice diplomatic way . But if you continue to deny it , then I'm going to drop it , because at that point we get into a stalemate and then we're not going to make progress at all .
But you're only going to make the amount of progress in therapy for which you actually invest into it . You can't put in 10% and expect an 80% return . It doesn't work like that .
Well , Whitney , the truths are what we needed . What's one thing to leave us with If you could give an advice to someone who's like , okay , wow , Whitney , you've really blown this up here with me and called me out on all levels . What would you tell them ? Give a job .
Yep , you are more capable of healing than you give yourself credit for . You have the capability of it . It's in there , and there will be times where you feel like you need to slow down in a therapy session because it feels heavy . That's fine , that is more than fine .
Tell your therapist that if they're not picking up on that , but you're allowed to take that breather and pump the brakes a little , I love that .
Well , whitney , we're just going to replicate you . Maybe you'll say hi one day and just send you out to everyone and give us a Whitney version . But , guys , this was a fun episode to kind of again . We love to pull back the curtain of therapist and therapy and kind of just things that maybe you're wondering , thinking and bridge that gap .
But we're here for you , we're always cheering for you . We'll see you , guys , next week . See you next week .
Maternal mental health is as important as physical health . The Preview Alliance podcast was created for and by moms dealing with postpartum depression and all its variables , like anxiety , anger and even apathy . Hosted by CEO founder Sarah Parkhurst and licensed clinical social worker Whitney Gay , each episode focuses on specific issues relevant to pregnancy and postpartum .
Join us and hear how other moms have overcome mental health challenges , as well as access tips and suggestions on dealing with your own challenges as moms . You can also browse our podcast library and listen to previous episodes at any time . Please know you're not alone on this journey . We're here to help .