¶ Summer Edition
hey guys , welcome back preview lines podcast okay , it's summer , we know this . We've asked questions . What do y'all want to hear ? We have jenny with us because you know let's add it's a party . It's a party uh-huh , it's's hey , whitney , summer Edition . That's right . All right , whitney , you're on the hot seat Ready , let's do it .
Okay , hey , whitney , finding myself struggling with oversimulation . Okay , that's all of us . The hot , constant noise , it seems , in my kids being home off routine . It's getting to me . Did they watch me at swim practice the other day ? They did . Did they see me like sweating and like wondering if I was screaming ? There was no .
Like I could jump from the pool to ground , whitney , but that wouldn't have worked out well . So help me out , help us all out .
So part of it is to realize you're not alone . Okay , your kids being home and being out of routine is going to lead to sensory overload . It just is . And regardless of however old your kids are , I am a big advocate of they have to have a rest time in their rooms doing something quiet . They can be playing , they can be reading .
If you want to give them an hour of screen time on a tablet , so be it .
We all do it .
But we all need a chance to kind of decompress , have that quiet time . You need that time for yourself . So , big advocate of make sure you're still incorporating some type of a quiet or a rest time , try not to forget about your tactile grounding .
So , whether that means that you're , you know , getting the wet washcloth or paper towel or you know something cold , put it on the back of your neck , put it on your face . If you need to Go outside with your kids , let them , number one , burn off some of that energy that is never ending .
But then you're out there barefoot , you know , putting your feet on the grass . All that kind of stuff , you know , do something that is like smell . So candles , lotion , soap , whatever it is . Don't forget your tactile grounding skills and while you're doing that , try to implement your deep breathing .
Yeah , I think what happens to me a lot is loading the kids Like I don't feel like talked about enough and like it's hot , we're okay , we're in Alabama , yeah , it's hot we're okay , we're in alabama , yeah , it's , it's hot , yeah , and especially if you're like out somewhere , yeah , and you're loading them and like you're sweating , they're hot .
You're doing the car seat battle . Okay , you get into the front seat . How it's like a two second vacation when you shut the doors of your kids I mean you're like yelling and you're like oh , and you look like oh that's , just that's me standing in the parking lot for one second , exactly , and then you get back in .
Yes , that is a hard like I struggle with that . Yeah , a lot sometimes .
And then because they're like I'm hot , I'm like mommy's hot , it's Alabama . Everybody hot , everybody's suffocating , yeah .
So what should I do better in that moment ? Well , remind yourself especially with baby james will comes at you too sometimes like will will be like more of my mental , like terrorist assaulter , like he'll just like come at me and be like mommy . You did that wrong or you should have done it like mommy , you forgot . Mommy , use your kind words , or ?
Mommy , why are you making that face ?
yeah , I'm like I need a moment sir charlie always reminds me mommy forgot to take your three deep breaths , because that's what we tell him before you react Uh-huh , take some deep breaths and he's like I think you forgot your deep breaths and you're just like Mommy forgot . You're right , let's take them together , uh-huh .
Mm-hmm . So remind yourself , the car seat battle is probably long from over . Yeah , so try to mentally prep before you get there . But once you're in the car , if you still need that time to kind of cool off , open the windows . Yeah , tactile grounding .
Let that air blow .
Yes , let the air in the sound . Sometimes the sound of the windows opening drowns out the kids . You know , multi-purpose here , yeah , what about ?
ring pops . Is that tactile yeah ? What about ring pops . Is that tactile ?
Yeah , because we've been buying them in bulk .
Yeah , everyone gets one .
It keeps their mouth closed for a minute . Well , sour candy too . It's kind of a shock to your central nervous system .
Look at you , big brown man . You don't even know it , I know .
That's why our road trips have been better , our ring pops are the secret to it .
That's right . Jenny has unlocked jenny's .
Let us know that bulk on amazon bring pops would like to sponsor the podcast let us know we're good with it okay . So you're not alone . We're all having those moments and I will say I'm worse when I'm hurrying out the door . So that's , that's a sarah thing .
I like that's an enneagram , one type a where we don't like to be late .
I don't like to be late . And then I do this thing with nap time . I don't want to all do this where I try to use the most I can have my nap time in that last like two or three minutes or whatever I know and then I feel like I could just be Tasmanian devil and get it all done . It's like a challenge I put on myself and I make myself worse .
Yeah , so I need to personally work on that . It's self-admitting , but is that a thing ? Are you going to tell me something about myself ? Okay , tell me .
That's kind of an ADHD thing , yeah , where people with ADHD work great under pressure , yeah , and so they will put something off or procrastinate it into the last minute and then boom , they thrive under that pressure .
I can tell by her look , yeah , I thrive under that pressure . I can tell by her .
look , yeah , I was like do you want me ?
to say something the therapist is like and I'm like what is it ? Tell me , why do I do this ? It always takes a minute for me to process it . We'll talk about this later .
You're like to be continued .
Good to know . Okay , hey , whitney , my son just turned one . Our birth was traumatic . Traumatic to say the least I found myself feeling off around . His birthday is this a thing ?
well , of course it is . It's a trauma trigger because you know obviously your life and your baby's life was at stake yeah potentially he had a nikki stay . You know we can say that , and so when his birthday rolls around , you're reminded of that trauma .
You might even have kind of some flashbacks back to the you know labor and delivery room , back to the OR back to the NICU . All of those things are going to be kind of running through your head .
And if there was a NICU stay , or if you know , say you were on magnesium and so you were kind of out of it for a little while and unable to hold him , you're grieving what you lost .
Yeah , because you may not have gotten that golden hour of skin to skin , and so you're grieving that , and so it's very appropriate that you feel like his birthday is almost harder than it is celebratory .
I mean , it's the anniversary of your trauma . Yeah , exactly , You've been that .
Jenny's walked that road . I've walked that road Still to this day . I get weird around , honestly , both boys' birthdays and now my family's kind of recognized it , yeah , I recognize it , and it just was not .
It was not a happy day , yeah , for me , and I'll be real driving past the hospital sometimes I'm just like I don't want to see it um so the birthday , and I think you sometimes overcompensate or I did for the first birthday , for will I did this grand party to try to not think about it then post party .
I was like wow , okay , that is still really not okay . Yeah , like the balloons didn't make it better , exactly , I thought it did right . I would like I put an elephant on the cake . Why wouldn't that ? Solve my problem exactly but no one ever said to me if you had a traumatic birth , sarah , the birthdays would be hard .
So if this mom , if you're hearing that for the first time you're validated validated I would suggest therapy . Yes .
Something that a therapist told me , and we have the therapist in the room that can speak to this . But just on that day , start the day and give yourself five 10 minutes , however long you need to dwell on what happened to really think about it , because , if not , you're going to keep having those flashbacks all day .
So allow yourself to sit with that discomfort . Think about the things , give yourself grace , you know . Sit with it for a minute and then like okay , like , I have honored my feelings I have sat with it .
I have not dealt with it per se , but I have let it make space for it and then it just helped me to like okay , I can go and enjoy the good parts of this day . Now , Exactly I love that so that was helpful for me . I was like I love that , that I don't have to keep trying to push it away .
I can just sit with it . For this time . You're allowed to feel your feels , and then you needed that permission ?
Yes , absolutely .
And it's just like you just don't feel like you have that permission . That's right , but sometimes I find myself being like I wanted to talk about it to someone . But then I was like maybe they're tired of hearing it .
Well , this could be a good time setting a timer and voice journaling , yes .
Yeah , so I think really too , especially you know , the aftermath of trauma . Trauma is tricky , trauma is like grief . Yeah , it pops up , it's very sneaky . It's very sneaky . So to this mom it's very validated . Unfortunately , it's a normal experience and you know too , sometimes I like to travel around the birthday , just even like a small little trip .
It kind of gives me something out of like the location , because we live where the traumas happened . To me that's one thing . So find your ways , Find your . Like we said before in different episodes , you're going to find your core , huddle people that you can share with .
We literally just talked about grief and joy can coexist .
Coexist . It doesn't have to be all bad or all good .
No , you can feel conflicting emotions Totally .
Oh , okay , I like these Family stuff . Whitney , here we go , let's do it . Aunt Brenda , hey , whitney , we have several large family gatherings , vacations coming up , it's summer , everybody's trying to see everybody School's out . I am not ready for the questions about us getting pregnant . We've had several miscarriages and currently do IVF . I just hate the pressure .
Okay , for starters , if we have just any , let's say support people listening to this . For the love of God , don't ask people when they're going to have a baby or when the next one is Exactly I'm surprised you haven't had another one yet .
You're not getting any younger Somebody asked me when the third one was , when I was leaving the hospital with baby James . I am not even kidding . What are you going to do for the third ? I'm like , okay . Well , I guess when you get the uterus that was taken on my body back in it's like ma'am , go get the biohazard bag .
And she's looked at me . I'm like that is inappropriate . Yeah , recently , you know , I had COVID and I had sent a picture of the COVID test to my friends and they're like you're pregnant . And I was like did you forget ? My tubes are in a biohazard bag and probably like gone . At this point , because it's been nearly three years , I mean no , it's wild .
I'm like no , I caught the plague , not a pregnancy .
Well , I tell you , I remember this happening , Conversations about when you get pregnant , when we were engaged I remember as soon as we were married , you know literally questions . And then when I had the miscarriage , everybody just thought a lot of people didn't know we had the first miscarriage . When are you trying ? When are you trying ?
Oh my gosh , I would cry almost every single time .
And then in the South a lot . People feel very entitled to that information .
And they just keep asking and I get this . I remember post-miscarriage not going to a holiday because I couldn't stand to ask the question . I could not .
And I did not go .
And I said I cannot do this . So I feel for this mom and for her .
I think a lot of times it comes from maybe an innocent place . People don't realize how hurtful it can be . They're not trying to be malicious . Like I can remember , the dental hygienist asked me don't you want more ? Are you going to have more ?
As I'm like actively miscarrying and I'm just like it took everything not to just ball while I'm getting my teeth cleaned , so I totally just feel for this mom .
And so for this mom , for ways to cope with it . You know , if it's one of those you're able to get away , please do that , you know , even if that means like oh , I got to go run to the store and you drive and you take that time for yourself to emotionally decompress . Do that .
Some really good advice is if it's your side of the family , have that conversation with them . If it's your significant other , they need to have that conversation with their family .
I get the sense from this . It might be his family , but I could wrong .
I'm just like and so you know , if it's one of those depending on how strong the relationship is to have that conversation of hey , we're going through IVF , we've experienced miscarriages . Please , no one ask us about this . This is not a good topic for us to have you know if , if or when we get pregnant . We will tell you when we are ready In our time .
But please do not ask us . And so setting up those boundaries even before you get there can be helpful and it can protect you , and then also knowing that you can get your out when you need your out .
Yeah , I mean I'm going to go get a drink . Oh , I need to go use the restroom . I mean I was also sassy
¶ Navigating Challenges of Parenthood
at times . You know Right , and just like well , when I could , you know , when are you gonna have the baby ?
well , when God gives me the baby you know , or like appropriate to just say like I'm just not comfortable having a totally , yeah , totally and you know I was just like , if you're gonna ask me such an invasive question , if I offend you , maybe you should be looking while you're asking me an invasive question here like it was it was a hard time .
And still people ask me and I'm just like , yeah , we're done . And then people , if you say you're done , for whatever reason you're done , they feel like you gotta say , oh , don't you want like I get ? Don't you want the girl ? Yeah , and I part of me goes well , I had the girl , but I lost the girl .
Yeah , and the other part of me is just like I'm very happy with the boys and I , depending on my mood and day , that's the response you're going to get . But it's like when you're asking , you don't know how many children we have lost Exactly and you're never going to know that .
Or the lengths that we went to to get the children that we have , yes , and that at some point , like for me personally , I was like I'm quit , I'm going to quit .
And we could try . There's women out there who try and try and try to get pregnant and it does not happen that way for them . So I think hopefully we're getting better in society and the more you can just say , I think the awareness is getting better . I'm not comfortable . You change the subject . You had the uncomfortable conversation .
I don't want to speak about this before it happens .
Yeah . That's our advice , but just know it happens to all of us , and we've walked that road .
It's hard , it's hard and you know , somebody always needs to get ice at parties , someone always needs to go get grandma a new drink . Take those outs . Yes , there's nothing wrong with it yeah and you know I always like to before situations where I feel like I'm gonna be pressured . I like power walk , I do my workout . Yeah , I like get my good head space .
Yeah , like fill your cup a little bit more that day . Mm-hmm and give yourself grace , absolutely . Oh , okay , changing topics . Hey , whitney , I see everyone taking these awesome trips , our mom's planning these perfect crafts and honestly , it makes me feel like crap . I'm right there with you .
I know social media is made for this , but if I'm the only one who's feeling like it , no , I'm right there with you . I am not a Pinterest crafty mom yeah , I would love to be . I am not . I have tried and failed . So , no , you are not alone at all in your courage . Social media is designed for us to fall into the comparison trap . Yep , it really is .
And so , with that , maybe you need to take a break from social media .
Yeah .
Or put a tight reel . Exactly it is . It is a highlight reel . People put their happy times on there .
Or maybe they're not happy . They're just posed to look happy .
Exactly . Oh my gosh , it's two seconds of happy for the picture .
This is so bad is for a second that there is sometimes in these posts when people put these extreme decorations of their happiness are perfect .
I'm like oh , you're just telling me how bad it really is in life or like we were talking about the , the moms who say they do it all . I'm like looking at your five children and you're like making homemade butter that you're churning and you say you have no help .
I don't believe you , I'm sorry , I'm not buying I'm thinking there's a sister wife there that I would consider exactly consider that's amazing . Let's let's talk about clean as long as she didn't love bill , I'd be fine , and there you go . You know exactly just give me like a good helper . But exactly exactly . I think you know . So listen , everybody .
You don't know too . I always had to reframe this . She's taking a trip . You don't know how long that mom has been saving for that trip . You don't know how that trip's happened . You don't know the effort she's done . You don't know if her kid was a terror that night before . She's had the worst trip of her life . But she's just like I did this trip .
Let's just post it . And you know every mom's got their own specialty of life .
We all do an exit job a different way , exactly .
So you're not the only one who and sometimes summer is hard because our kids are home . Yeah , and like we're trying our best to keep them active and engaged .
Yes , yes , it's hard and that looks like different for everybody .
Yeah , but take that guilt off and like pregnant I couldn't be on social media because I thought everybody was pregnant , yeah , so sometimes if you're just struggling with , like , your confidence and your comparison is really speaking to you , yeah , don't look at it .
Yeah , might be a time for a break from social media or at least to put like the screen time limit on there . Yeah , so maybe like 10 or 15 minutes a day , because it's a lot easier to look out and say everybody else is doing .
better the out and say everybody else is doing better . The grass is great on the other side but it's like if you sit with your own . Yeah , that's where it's at . Yeah , but you know I did it too . I remember if will was little . I feel like she's taking this kid here . She's doing this to the library . Look at her . She's done that .
I haven't showered today . How is she doing this ? She has five kids .
She's driving back for target I'm like I hate to Sometimes kids start to raise the younger kids .
Yeah .
They do entertain each other pretty well . Yeah .
So I mean I did it , you know . So I think we all do it , but just know that we're all living this life together .
That's right .
Literally . I relate to our reels . We all post on Instagram .
Yeah , nobody has it all together .
Come on , if you would have looked on the opposite side of what I'm showing , y'all see a whole different version , and that's a snapshot of our day . Oh yeah , two seconds , and honestly , it's probably pre-recorded in a quiet time when we're children , yeah , okay . So do not feel this way . You're , you're not alone and let's mom yes . I would All right .
Last question hey , whitney , I love these summer questions because they're just like our life here . We just came back from the recent trip and I feel like all my husband and I did was fight or break up fights with our kids . Let's talk this out so I don't feel like I'm the only one .
I'd say this is par for the course . Yeah , let's normalize this . Yeah , because especially if you have younger kids . So , like I've said before , I have a two and a half , almost three year old and a six year old , and the two year old thinks that everything is hers .
And God forbid her sister actually pick up one of her own toys because then the two year old wants it . So it's this constant battle of note that is hers , she had it first . You don't just take things from other people , right , we have to share . If you can't share , share , I'm putting the toy away . We are referees all the time .
All the time , especially when they are in that younger , like toddler to elementary school age , we're constantly going to be refereeing , yeah , and then we're already kind of flustered and frazzled from that so y'all do one thing off to each other , then it's just like so then you know , my husband might I don know like tie his shoe wrong and it just grates my
nerves and then I , you know , get upset over that , and so it's like one thing starts another . It's a domino effect , yeah . And so you're not alone in this , I would tell you , as far as like trips and stuff like that , anticipate cranky , yeah .
Anticipate the crankiness . Expectations need to be low .
Oh , yes , Below the ground For yourself , your kids your spouse , different environments different centuries .
You know , even it goes back to like the toddlers right , they're all trying to kill themselves . So we have safety guards in our homes right . Like in our day-to-day life , we know where the stairs are . We know where the scissors are we put this away , they have their cribs or they have their bed rails , right , we go to a foreign environment .
We've lost that control of just normal safety . So , like you , could , you know , cook for two seconds without your kid killing himself ?
now that's removed exactly . So it's harder and honestly , you know our kids , they're going to struggle being in a new environment because it's new , it's exciting . And so they're going to struggle being in a new environment because it's new , it's exciting . And so they're going to be a little bit more hyper with that .
And here we are thinking dear God , I'm exhausted , how do you have more energy , kind of thing .
So we're dealing with polar opposites in that aspect too , and it's a mental low getting ready for trips .
It is .
It's a lot , so you're already coming into it . Like I always tell people like when you give birth , you're at coming into it .
Like I always tell people , like when you give birth , you're at a deficit , right , because you've probably not been sleeping well when your last week's a pregnancy , and like you're trying to get everything together and then you have this baby . Same thing with trips Like we're planning , we're running around . You know why does mom always run back out of the car ?
Because we're like we forget . We're the only part .
We got to grab that into a trip , yeah , and then say you have family involved , you have friends , who likes to go vacation together ? People parent different , people do things different .
Um , but definitely you and your spouse gotta realize a vacation with your children is not a vacation , it's a trip , and you're parenting in a different location a thousand percent .
yes , so whit yes .
So , whitney , it was so funny , we all went on vacation the same time . Yes , whitney had a true vacation . Yes , okay , me and Jenny took our children . Yes , so we parented in a different location yes . So did you have mom guilt , though , when you were away ?
Oh yes . Oh yeah , you know , talk about like tears on the plane , cause it was for a long time , yeah , and then it got extended because I got covid while we were out there . So then my parents ended up having to keep my kids for a few more days until I was negative .
So then you have mom guilt because you have covid because then you and your head are like if I would have went away , then we got home and I was like we're home right , and my kids are like yeah I wanted nothing more than to have my kids back .
Yeah , yeah , totally yeah . Now we're all united and you know we're back in the routine and it's great , but yeah the vacations are hard , so just they are .
You know , again , highlight reel . People are gonna show . I showed the highlight reels . I didn't show you all the bad stuff on my instagram stories .
When we were melting down I told jenny was on vacation to live the same life , Jenny yeah , we're not surviving today . Well , the people that were in my like green circle , my close friends on my Instagram story they knew I had caught COVID . I was like go on vacation , get COVID , it's great .
So I mean , I think it's just expectations and as your kids get older it's going to get a different vibe , but the trenches right now set them low so we listen to us .
Have you seen this book ? It's written by a therapist . Um , we listen to that on audible on our way to the beach and all the way back , because it's really long and we don't listen to it the whole time but .
I feel like that was good , just to check in , okay , to be like okay , is everything coming out of my mouth , respectful it doesn't have to be you know I don't have to be happy with you all the time , but we do . Words leave my mouth . Need to be respectful .
Yeah , whether .
I'm talking about someone or to someone ? Yeah , that was just something he said in the book .
And so it's things like that .
That was very helpful . I feel like that was convicting , like it was fresh on our mind . Yeah , so maybe find a good podcast or a good book while you're traveling .
And that's a safe space , right Like you can listen to someone third party saying it Like nudge .
I mean , I was going to say , did you ?
just like across and just be like did you hear that ?
Are you listening ?
Yeah , Communication , you know I always do that , sometimes in church . I'm just like oh , did you hear ?
that . I know . I heard a pastor one time . That's like you have to listen to sermons for yourself . You cannot be thinking like this was written for you .
You know you're hitting all , but I think that's the thing , you know a good check-in before a trip ? Oh , absolutely .
And going to a trip , and you know .
I always say I know my parents went with us so we got a date night or two in there . Great , Check it . You can put the kids down , you can order takeout .
You can have their baby monitored . You can sit on the balcony .
Have yourself a little wine and a milk , check out and just do that check-in . I'm sorry I lost my temper with you when you know the swim diaper . They had a situation in the floaties and we were all hot , sam was in all places .
Is that the poop in the tub ?
situation again . It's similar but not as triggering . And you know , it's amazing too on trips what you can find the other person doing wrong , Right , it's amazing .
We have a heightened sensitivity , or radar , for it . Well , and that's what Matthew ?
pointed out graciously . He's like just because I do something differently than you would do it , it doesn't necessarily make it wrong yeah .
And .
I'm like that's true , it really is . It is it's true , but it's hard when you're used to doing all the things . You're like that's not the way we do it Exactly .
Yeah , it's not wrong . We got to relinquish a little bit of that control Like you dusted the sand off them wrong .
You know it's like did I really do it wrong ? Exactly no but you're looking at it going .
Why are you doing that ? That's not the most efficient way , right as .
Enneagram ones over here , 100% . So I think , just knowing everything's heightened .
It is for us all .
But this summer questions . They were so good . I love them .
¶ Maternal Mental Health Awareness Initiative
I hope you guys one of these have touched on a topic in your life . Keep sending us more and we'll answer them . Till next time , see ya , maternal mental health is as important as physical health . The Preview Alliance podcast was created for and by moms . Dealing with postpartum depression and all its variables , like anxiety , anger and even apathy .
Dealing with postpartum depression and all its variables , like anxiety , anger and even apathy . Hosted by CEO founder Sarah Parkhurst and licensed clinical social worker Whitney Gay , each episode focuses on specific issues relevant to pregnancy and postpartum .
Join us and hear how other moms have overcome mental health challenges , as well as access , tips and suggestions on dealing with your own challenges as moms . You can also browse our podcast library and listen to previous episodes at any time . Please know you're not alone on this journey . We're here to help .