¶ Introduction to the Episode
Hey guys , this is Sarah with the Preview Alliance podcast . This month , we are replaying our most downloaded episodes . These episodes are the ones that has resonated the most with you guys . So if you're a longtime listener , this is a great refresher . And share this with a friend who may be new .
If you're new , welcome , and we hope that these episodes are impactful to you like it has been for others . Thank you for being with us and stay tuned . Hey guys , welcome back to Preview
¶ Mom Bod: The Reality
Alliance . It's Sarah and Whitney .
Okay so today's topic is going to be mom bod . Oh yay , something we all love , right and when .
I say , mom bod , you know everybody thinks different things , so what we're talking about here is maybe just reality of your body if you're becoming a mom , how it has changed , how it will change . Right .
And after being a mom , yeah , and you can be 10 years postpartum and still feel like , oh , I've got a mom bod . Well you do because you're a mom .
Yeah , you're a mom , so , and it's embracing that your body created life . Yes , and that's a process in itself .
It is , and even to our moms that have experienced infant loss , whether it be a miscarriage , stillborn or IUFD you may have heard that term used in the hospital as well , or even you know neonatal loss after baby is born and baby passes away . You can experience that mom bod stuff too , because your body did change
¶ Miscarriage and Body Changes
.
Oh , and that's I'm glad you hit on that . So I remember it was the first miscarriage at 13 weeks . And 13 weeks was , you know , pretty I was showing .
Mm-hmm Hormones were already changing significantly .
And I looked that is she pregnant ? Is she not ? For a long time after , yeah , and then even going back to when I had Will so early and I'll never forget this , and you're still looking very pregnant for a long time .
No one really prepares you that you're going to leave the hospital looking about five or six months pregnant .
You don't go back to a flat stomach immediately . And I didn't have him with me , and so people would be like , oh , what do you do ? And that killed me .
Yeah , it's hard .
I was like oh my God , I have a kid in the NICU . People still think I'm pregnant .
Talk about grief , uh-huh . So to our moms who have lost babies you may hear us talking about this mom bod , it applies to you too .
And it's even harder . My heart goes out because I've experienced it in the sense of the miscarriage , but it's just the constant reminder that you don't have that child anymore or that child's situation is not what you wanted .
Oh , correct .
If it's in the NICU , if it's medically challenged and that your body's that reminder .
Yeah , and I've worked with women before who have experienced a miscarriage and they still leak . They still produce , you know , colostrum or breast milk , and they're like can my body not understand that this is no more , because you know it's one of those , they , those , they'll feel like okay , I'm making progress in my grief .
I don't feel as devastated as maybe I did two days ago or a week ago , and then something happens and they leak and they're like great , now I feel like I'm right back where I was .
I mean , I was still nauseous after both miscarriages and I remember , even with our miscarriages I had known that the heartbeat had stopped on ultrasound in my body . Your body doesn't recognize it . Sometimes they take a while and I felt like such a prisoner trapped in my body and I wanted my body to just be normal . It wouldn't happen that way .
So for our listeners , who this resounds with you , our hearts go out because that is so tough .
And .
I don't feel like people talk about it Agreed and you feel like you know you're grieving , but it's like you also are , just like I don't want my body to be like this right now
¶ Postpartum Body Challenges
Correct , and that's valid .
Yeah , oh yeah . Who would want that no ?
Nobody , yeah , oh yeah . Who would want that ? No , nobody . So to what do you say to your clients who are like that , what could help them if they're in that section of like feeling like I , I I've lost a child , my , my child's not with me , and like this is my body , like how do we , how do you even like process that ?
So realize it is going to be grief . We are going to have those physical reminders . I will say if it's one of those that you are leaking claustrum , breast milk , what have you ? There are ways to dry up your supply . Yeah , you know , there's the good old cabbage leaves . Yeah , cold compresses things of that nature .
What I did to dry myself up is I would put those washable , reusable nursing pads . I'd stick them in the freezer and then put them in a sports bra and wear them that way . So it's a tighter compression . Something called peppermint essential oil can also help dry it up . That may help you feel like I can do something tangible .
I can do something productive , something within your control .
Yeah .
Because not a lot of what has happened to them has been in their control and so you know if it's one of those you're leaking . It's a breast milk kind of thing . Those are a few steps that you can do to drive your supply that might make you feel a little bit better about that .
Right .
If it's more so that you feel like your stomach hasn't gone back to pre-baby status . You know maybe the weight that you did gain during your pregnancy . However long it's not dropping as quickly as you would like it to . Remind yourself that you are still postpartum . Yeah , even though your postpartum is not the traditional appearance of it .
You know you don't have the six-week recovery at home with your newborn things of that nature . You are still postpartum , your hormones are still adjusting , so really try to normalize what you're experiencing right and say , and that it's appropriate for your body to still be in recovery mode .
Right , Because , regardless of a first trimester miscarriage , second or third trimester stillbirth or even neonatal loss or baby going to NICU because they were preterm and you're like I still look six months pregnant and people in the elevator at the hospital are saying , hey , what are you do do ?
and you're like actually my baby's in the NICU or my baby was born sleeping , or you know whatever , fill in the blank , and I think that goes back , and we've said this before it's never okay to comment on someone's body .
Don't ask if they're pregnant .
None of that . Okay , so we'll turn the conversation .
Yeah .
So let's say we are just in , everything has went . We'll say status quo , okay . So now we're mom , mm-hmm , we're newborn stage . Okay , I will never forget , looking at myself post C-section with Will , why they had a full-length mirror in this bathroom . Okay , I don't know , that was horrible .
And Bill had to help me use the restroom , Mm-hmm , because you can't really like move around . Well , right .
No , I mean after any delivery , but especially a C-section yeah , an emergent one at that .
I mean I remember we , but especially a C-section , an emergent one at that . I mean I remember we had like my little pain pup . We had the little Foley bag . At that time it was like a whole situation and I stood up in my stomach because you know it's used to . Having the baby in it Felt like my organs were going to drop out of my body .
But I looked at myself in the mirror and I was like , oh my gosh , I didn't even recognize her . Yeah , I mean , everything Was different .
Was different and I was like I don't want to look at it and I , you know , and I was just like I burst into crying and I still remember that , but it's like that's an extreme version of how I felt , but there's definitely been moments where you're just like I want my body back or I don't want my boobs to sag right now . I have stress marks now .
I have a mommy pooch right now , and then you're in the shower and you see the clumps of hair . And that lasts for so long or mine did so long my hair lasted for months and then , when you're growing it back out , oh yeah , the little wispy hairs or mine did so long my hair . Lost it for months .
And then , when you're growing it back out , oh yeah , the little wispy hairs , the wispies and , like I , have bangs .
but even if you know they turn into , like you know , cabbage patch , doll hair .
I was about to say I would just give a little fly away . It was real fun . It was like a little cow lick , but only with a few hairs .
Yeah , you could see them and I remember if you wear your hair up , it's like good luck , yeah . So it's like you have this whole other . So you're adjusting to motherhood , you're adjusting to your body , you're adjusting to new relationships now , because there's now , nothing is the same . There's now a person Like if it's you and your partner .
Now there's a third person , or even twins , fourth person .
Bless you if you are a multiple mama
¶ Bounce Back Culture and Expectations
no-transcript .
In the beginning you're like okay , I can rationalize , I've got , I gave birth , whatever . You start pushing it out a little bit and I feel like Instagram comes sneaking in and you hear all the bounce back .
I hate bounce back culture Can .
I just say that yeah .
It is . It preys on mamas at the most vulnerable time of their life yeah , when we are sleep deprived we are physically hurting . Our hormones are all over the place . Insane , oh , it's terrible .
You know how they always tell you like if we're going into surgery , hey , don't make a big financial decision or anything like that , until you're like 72 hours post-op because of anesthesia . Until you're like 72 hours post-op because of anesthesia .
Same thing with postpartum Same , but these Instagram influencers , this bounce back culture will prey on that vulnerability . And because it is a vulnerable time , we're like I do want to bounce back .
Yeah , I do want my flatter stomach . Well , for me too . It was like I had no control over anything . So I thought if I could control how I looked , that would fix me .
Yeah .
And like I remember everybody does this right Like , even if it's just your friend , or like an influencer or someone or celebrity , or like do at the same time yeah , you self-consciously check in on that person , even if you don't know .
You're doing it Absolutely , and you're like , oh , look at her , and it looks like she's in her jeans that she wore before she was pregnant . And look at me , I'm still pulling on my maternity pants . Yeah , which no shame Maternity pants . I wore them forever after pregnancy .
Absolutely , because , like it's comfortable and also shout out to Old Navy Jeans . They have some stretch .
Thank you . Just saying so it's hard because you do that , even if you don't know .
You're doing it , absolutely you do it .
And especially celebrities . We got to just like map it out here they have trainers , they have chefs , they probably have night nurses and nannies and their whole job .
All the things is dependent on , probably on how they look . Oh well , and not to like slam this show or these people , but we look at you know the female dancers on dancing with the stars who you know . Six weeks postpartum , it looks like they have their abs back already .
Yeah , well , for starters , that's kind of where their body was to begin with that was their .
That was their baseline people do have those like crazy genetics where they are so fit and able . Yeah , and I've seen that .
Yeah , and it's like good for you , but that's not me that's not reality , for I would say maybe 90 percent .
No , that's like a zebra of life yeah like that's that unicorn right there , which exactly good for them .
But again , those people have auxiliary help that your average mama doesn't have , because I don't know about you , but we're kind of paycheck to paycheck . We are a two-income household . I didn't know I have the money to do a salary for a chef a trainer and a nanny . We don't have that kind of income .
No . And then , if you go down to it as well , it's like pregnancy and postpartum . Right , that is the second time us women have experienced body changes with our controls . If you go back to puberty , that's our first one . Did anybody enjoy puberty ? no , so it's like we kind of forget , like look how hard that was and that was an adjustment for us .
Pregnancy , postpartum is the same thing . We don't have really control , we don't , so we have to just . And one thing that um kind of hit hard when I was prepping for this episode was do we have our identity and how we look ?
I think a lot of us do because , like I'm 36 , so I feel like like a lot of us millennials , we grew up in that 90s diet culture , in that early 2000s diet culture of Slim , fast and Dexatran .
Weight Watchers .
Weight Watchers and all of those things . So it was pushed on us to be a size zero , to be a size two . Don't you dare be a size six .
Yeah , that's not acceptable kind of thing .
And so it was , I mean , really shoved down our throats from such an early age , and that's all we saw in the magazine covers .
Yeah .
There wasn't anyone like Lizzo .
No .
Who was , you know ? A plus size woman who people loved .
Yeah . And people respected and people didn't body shame . So we're grown . We grew up in the . This is what you have to be .
Oh , absolutely , and so it was one of those . We didn't have anybody that was even average sized .
Yeah .
That was looked at , that was even respected not glorified , but just respected , respected . So we're always kind of beat down up . Should you really eat that cookie , should you ?
you need to go work that off you need to go earn your calories are still pretty hurtful of comments of like oh , you know , touching like . I remember one of my family members touched my mom pooch . It was like oh , you're working that off , aren't you ? And it was like a comment like that , and I was just like what you ?
know , oh and brenda yeah and there's just like you're supposed to be a mom who has your body back asap . You're supposed to be like on top of at work on top of it with your kids . Your relationship's supposed to be like on top of at work on top of it with your kids . Your relationship's supposed to be great .
You're supposed to be doing all this , um , but I feel like people comment on mom's bodies more than they should appropriately and I know I have . I mean I've had two c-sections and um two miscarriages , both required , required D&Cs . So my lower abdominal area probably it's probably never going to be what it was before . Kids and I had some .
It was a friend one time and she was talking to me and it was about her stretch marks and she said her son saw the stretch marks and said , mommy , are those your tiger stripes ? Because you're so strong like a tiger ?
And I'm like , yes , that is Absolutely , it is we earn them .
We earn them . And so now , you know , for a while I think , when I had my you know , I had to work through EMDR therapy . I had a difficult time seeing my C-section scar . Oh , I'm sure .
That's not uncommon .
And it just constantly reminded me . But now I can look at it and be like that brought my boys into life and that saved our life .
Yes , well , and the thing is , we really shouldn't have an expectation
¶ Reframing Body Image
put on us , whether it's self-imposed or society-imposed , for our bodies to go back to what they were pre-kids , because it won't and it shouldn't .
And we're never going to be the same person we were before kids exactly , and that's part of growth yeah because we go from not a mom to a mom .
Oh so we shouldn't go back to who we were five years ago or you know , however long ago . We are postpartum right because that's not how it is , and and that's okay . We should , as hard as it is , embrace the new us . We are allowed to struggle .
Yes .
We are allowed to struggle , we are allowed to say , okay , I want to incorporate more exercise , or I want a more balanced variety of foods . That is fine , that is healthy , that is healthy .
But we should really try to reframe or use grounding thoughts when we see ourselves in the mirror pinching this , pinching that , being like oh , I don't like my stretch marks here , or my boobs really couldn't use a lift , or , you know , fill in the blank . Whatever we view is not what we want it to look like .
Yeah .
And that's okay . We're going to have those struggles , we're human . But that's when we reframe and say , okay , I don't love this part about my body Appropriate .
We can say that . Yeah , it's I think Pre-kids .
There were parts of my body I did not like A hundred percent . But we can say but you know what ? I have this , I have this , and now I have my daughters .
Right .
I have these stretch marks and now I have my daughters .
Yeah .
My boobs are flat because I breastfed my children .
Uh-huh yeah .
You know it's one of those . Yes , we're allowed to feel our feelings . Try not to dwell .
Right .
That's where we kind of tend to spiral and you know , intrusive thoughts and that whole rabbit hole Right , intrusive thoughts and that whole rabbit hole , right , but we can reframe and say , okay , I dislike this . However , this is the benefit that came from this sacrifice . Yeah , because motherhood is a sacrifice .
Oh , it's the ultimate and it you know . I remember someone told me they're like Sarah . It took nine , almost 10 months for you to grow this child . Why would you not think it would take that long or longer for your body ?
Oh yeah .
And your uterus alone takes like six weeks to get back to its normal shape .
If not longer , if not longer . One of my friends sent me a really cool image because I had texted her a picture after I had my second child and I had just worn one of those t-shirt dresses and I sent her a picture .
I was like it looks like I'm 12 weeks pregnant , but I'm not , and I was I don't know maybe a month postpartum could you still look pregnant ? she sent me this really great image , or graphic that said when you give birth , the wound in your uterus is the size of a dinner-sized paper plate . That is the size of a wound inside of one of our organs .
It's not going to heal overnight . And I will say and I've told people this , they're like how was your recovery from Will to James ? And you know , will , I saw him in my uterus . James , he took that on out with him and it was so I sell on my uterus , james , he took that on out with him and it was so much easier without my uterus .
Now my womb and everything started to go down , but like that uterus and I felt like my body got back to better shape without the uterus . So that just showed me again that uterus in there really well , really Well .
there's going to be inflammation .
Going to it takes a bit .
It does , and then your periods .
You're bleeding after for like a month or two , oh yeah , and then the first full period after . That's a whole nother thing . So I mean we're not saying here that you can't say I don't like my body after pregnancy . That's fine . We all have things that we don't like . That's normal . But don't get fixated that this is forever and this is who you are .
That it is also that the faults that you dislike or that you see is a definition of your character .
It does not . And , like you said , said when you're not sleeping , you're trying to figure out how you're even going to eat sleep function .
Go to the bathrooms and challenge some days yeah and then if you have multiple kids , yeah , it's a whole balancing act here I am , five , five , nearly six years postpartum and then two years postpartum literally yesterday . I was just trying to go pee and both my children and the dog had to be in the bathroom with me .
I mean , how dare you try to pee and pee swimming ? I just needed 35 seconds and that was not allowed Butter's , like you're not doing that .
Oh , y'all just have to know audience listening . We have a bass hound , her name is Butter , and she's nearly earned herself a trip back to the multiple times .
Butter is going to be the Privy Alliance mascot , because Butter takes everything we say about self-care to heart , to the next level .
She's all about some indulgence .
And that's what we want your mom to hear . Now it's like listen , we get it .
And it's .
OK , hey , my body after baby . I don't like it in this moment , and that's OK . I'm looking at myself in the mirror . I don't like myself . Okay , this sucks . My hair has fallen out . My boobs are now saggy . I have this pouch . Okay , say it Voice , journal it . Yeah , get it out , get it out . Don't hold that in , don't try Mm-mm .
Be , real .
And if you want to do something to help yourself , let's take it small , let's set realistic . Yes , if that's going , we always take lots of for a walk . Walks can fix a lot of things . They really can . That sunlight , that fresh air , even if it's around the block .
It doesn't have to be an hour long , but doing something physical will help you mentally Absolutely Throw the scale away if that's a fixation .
Oh , absolutely yes .
I after James . I learned this the hard way , if will . I took my pre-baby clothes . I packed them away , yep . As you should , I was like I don't want to see them . I know I'll get there At some point , at some point . You know , if you are , you have a special thing you're like . I really want to feel good about myself . Yeah , there's a thing called
¶ Self-Care and Setting Boundaries
Spanx . Yes , there's tricks and tips . Oh , yes . Even getting up and getting dressed and like , taking that time to take care of yourself will make your physical body just feel better , even if you've not , like changed the way your boobs are hanging , exactly .
I mean for me with both my children . I would put them in their bouncy seat or swing and I'd pull them in the bathroom with me and take a shower that way , and you know what , most of the time it worked out well . Sometimes they cried the whole time I showered , but it's not like I'm taking a 30 minute shower .
No , those days are long gone .
Yeah , what is that that ? Does not exist , but you know I could see them . Yeah , and you know what if they cry for two , three , four , five minutes ?
that's okay , I know that they're safe .
Yeah , they may be upset or fussy , but it's okay that I also take care of myself .
And if that's too , saying to your partner , to your children and I do this now that , especially with Will , since he's older , if he wakes up earlier he knows mom works out in the the mornings . I do that not necessarily to change my mom , but I do it for my mental health and I know you run for you . Yes , and that's something for you .
So , making that time and saying , okay , it's walking , it's pilates , it's going downstairs into our , you know , and 10 minutes mommy's gonna do this workout online . You have so much free on youtube .
There's ways to get it back , yeah , so you're not always stuck in that , but we don't have to rush , you don't have to rush that no one's in a marathon , no one's . No one's competing against you but yourself correct .
And here's the thing too you also don't want to rush into exercise too quickly and hurt yourself and I did that with will because I was all just like I think my thing was , I was so triggered because people were like oh , how far along are you , or when are you due ? And I didn't have him .
So to me it was like I didn't want to face that , so for me , I was like I have to not look pregnant .
Yeah , I can remember . After my second one was born I was I don't know three , four weeks postpartum and I just got on the treadmill and I just did a couple of miles jogging , not like full out run .
Yeah .
And I was like oh , I feel so good . Let me tell you , the next morning , when I woke up , literally my insides hurt and I thought oh , I started .
I did too much . Too soon I started bleeding again . You know when I do too much . And that might be TMI , but it's like your body's like inside trying to heal and it's like you've done too much yeah .
It's like , hey , pump the brakes , no more of that . And so that's when I realized ,
¶ Relationship Dynamics and Conclusion
okay , I can't run yet . Yeah , I really shouldn't be able to , because we're not just healing from delivery , we are healing from nine or 10 months of pregnancy , which is when our organs get smushed and moved around Like a huge endurance race .
It really is . It's like the ultra marathon , it really is , and so , and then your hormones are coming to play , and so just realize , like , even if you're not suffering from postpartum depression or anxiety , you're still crashing with your hormones , and so you're not looking at yourself with clear vision .
Yeah , and now here's a whole other aspect is if your partner is supportive or not supportive of how you look .
Yeah .
And , I think , being honest with them Because , let's say , intimacy might not be something that you feel comfortable with .
Not for a hot minute , because you don't feel like yourself . Well , yeah .
Or , and it's like you're healing and it's that six-week thing is like that's not enough time .
So Just saying , having open conversations , yeah , about that with them , that's never going to be a bad thing no , and here let me throw this in there if you have that conversation , say okay , I don't feel ready for x , y and z reasons , whether it is mental , physical whatever whatever it is , and you have that conversation with your significant other and they
come back at you with anger and defensiveness . That's a red flag , yeah , that's not what you need , no it's one of those . If they say you know , I understand it's a hard thing to go through . Yeah , I'm a little disappointed that we got to pump the brakes , that's an appropriate reaction .
Yeah , I can respect someone saying I'm disappointed , but when it's anger , whole different ball game . Defensiveness , whole different ball game and what would you advise them to do . I would really start to figure out boundaries with them and figure out is this a pattern of their behavior ?
or if this is just like we're all cutting this really confusing stage right now , because the newborn stage is hard on relationships yes very much . We've all I mean it's hard it's hard because no one's feeling like themselves .
It's a huge adjustment .
So I think that's a very important part is like look at , is this a one-time thing ?
yeah versus .
Is this like you look back and you go , oh .
Wait a second , or you start paying attention and you see it more regularly , so it almost keep track of that for a little bit so you can see if there is a pattern . Is this consistent or is it one of those ? Your baby was up all night screaming . Nobody slept .
And we're all on our last straw , exactly right .
So just being aware of what can contribute to having a short fuse , which everybody is you know , everybody vulnerable to , or is this a pattern and we really can't identify an external trigger or component , things like that ?
and I think that's a very important thing with a lot of relationships not just this one In a lot of situations . Is it a one-time thing or is it a pattern ? Yeah , and that stuff , and you can put that into yourself .
Is my thoughts , my negative thoughts about myself , constant or is it because it's like I'm in this situation , yeah , or you know the algorithm .
they know how to target us with ads .
Oh , they do they know faster , Wait , fast , yeah , and then like so don't also like . I guess back to the mom bot thing real quick before we wrap this up is don't expose . If it's if you're struggling , unfollow people .
Oh , absolutely .
Don't watch the shows . Give yourself that . I don't need to put that in my mind . Guard yourself . Guard rails . I'm not in the good space right now .
I'm doing the best I can .
And guess what Mom bod can be empowering ?
Heck yeah . It can be the best body you've ever had , because look what you've accomplished with it .
So we're proud of you .
We wear our mom bods too .
That's right and we'll talk . I think this is a great subject . We can always talk more about it , Absolutely . But keep sending us your guys If you have questions . You want us to talk more ? Don't forget to follow us on Instagram .
We put a lot of good tips , we're going to be a positive influence on Instagram .
Yes , we are Not that negative yeah .
We're not preying on your vulnerabilities .
No , Just throwing that out there . All right , guys , Till next time , All right , See ya . Maternal mental health is as important as physical health . The Preview Alliance podcast was created for and by moms dealing with postpartum depression and all its variables , like anxiety , anger and even apathy .
Hosted by CEO founder Sarah Parkhurst and licensed clinical social worker Whitney Gay , each episode focuses on specific issues relevant to pregnancy and postpartum . Join us and hear how other moms have overcome mental health challenges , as well as access tips and suggestions on dealing with your own challenges as moms .
You can also browse our podcast library and listen to previous episodes at any time . Please know you're not alone on this journey . We're here to help .