¶ Holiday Season Boundaries and Conflict Resolution
Hey guys , welcome back to Preview Alliance podcast . This is Sarah and we are in our holiday season . This season , whitney and I decided to do replay episodes because these are some of our most listened to episodes and so vital to equip and empower you guys through the stressful holiday season .
So , no matter where you are at in life , these episodes are made for you , to help guide you , to support you and know you're not alone . So hang in there . We're are made for you to help guide you , to support you and know you're not alone . So hang in there , we're right there with you . Stay tuned . Hey guys , welcome back to Preview Podcast .
This is Sarah and Whitney , and we are in our holidays . So this is hey , whitney , holiday Edition . Hey , hey , okay , you ready ? Yes , all right . Hey , whitney , my uncle and I have opposite views on politics and life . He'll always try to start an argument in front of a crowd of room . Any tips on how to avoid this ? Seems like uncle probably baits her .
Probably loves the big crowd .
I'm going to assume this is Aunt Brenda's husband .
I would say so Okay , yep .
So it's one of those . He is seeking it out is what I'm understanding , by the way this is written it appears he's seeking controversy , he's seeking polarization , he's seeking the drama . He's trying to stir the pot . He wants it , it's not like they're talking and all of a sudden , we're in a heated discussion .
No .
He kind of does it intentionally .
It seems like he knows her triggers or hot topics and he will probably pounce over . You know the cranberry sauce , Got it and let her try to see where she goes , Gotcha .
That's kind of what I was just , I guess , clarifying in , that is , making sure that he is intentionally doing this . It's not just . Oh , we had a conversation , we've got differing opinions . Boom , now we're in an argument .
It really seems like this is a pattern .
Okay . So with this , is , you know , maybe jaded or not , good as this may sound , avoid him Like , make sure there is that physical space and distance . Not saying you can't be civil , you can't say hello , right .
But depending on how like the layout of the house is like , if you know that he's going to sit at the table that's in the kitchen , maybe you go sit at the table that's in the dining room , vice versa , try to create that space as much as you can .
Now , if he still pursues it and is very kind of intentional or intent with doing that , just say you know what , uncle Bob , I'm just really not okay talking about this right now . Let's just enjoy the holidays . Yeah , if he continues to do that , just say okay , I know that you really want to talk about this .
We need to find a time outside of the holidays to talk about it . If you keep pushing me , I'm going to leave because this is not how I want to remember Thanksgiving , christmas , whatever it is Right .
So just really set those physical boundary and then like conversation boundaries . Just because someone says something to you , you do not have to respond Correct , and that does not mean you're weak , you're actually stronger .
You're not taking that bait . You're picking your battles .
And that's okay . We all got to pick our battles , yeah , and especially in already a stressful season , yep , and if you have kids you're trying to get pregnant , whatever it is , you have that extra on you already . That's right . I mean , in general talk about religion politics , it's just sometimes best to like let's not add to it .
Correct , when we've already have internal family issues , we don't need to just bring out more , because people are so divisive now and they're like split .
I hate to say it like , our devices have made us so confrontational and confident .
Oh my God , the keyboard warriors right and so chances are Uncle Bob over here .
He probably really loves to get in the comment section on social media . He's got an opinion about everything and you know what . We can all have opinions , we can all have our opinions , and our opinions may differ , but I can still be respectful .
Exactly that's all we're asking for is respect , and if he's not willing to give that , then you can leave or I always say you know what I really need to go grab a drink , would you like one ?
I'll bring one back , you know . Or to say , hey , are you slipping something in his drink , sarah ?
I thought about it the way you said that I was like what's coming back in that drink ?
you know , you never know what you got to do here . It's a surprise . It's a surprise , but you're gonna be , I think , knowing that this is ahead , it's good . And if you're listening to that , you're like , oh , I don't think I have to deal with that .
Well , in case you ever do , you now know to set those boundaries and just say hey , I want to enjoy this meal .
Right , let's have this conversation another day , exactly Like we can set up a day and time and we can talk about it and we can be civil about it . Yeah , however , christmas or Thanksgiving or Hanukkah get together Like that's not when we're going to do that .
We're not going to do that .
And that's okay , and also I don't want my kids to witness that . No , and that's the thing I want my kids to see healthy conflict , healthy conflict resolution and problem solving . I don't want them to see me and my uncle going head to head on something .
And you like fixing to stab him with a fork . I mean , we just don't need that , no , so I think that we're all going to probably encounter something . Oh , yeah , because people are already on edge during this season . I mean road rage , right ? I mean , we're all at our tipping points , so this is not surprising . Yeah , but I think she'll be good .
Set your boundaries and tell your uncle another day , another time . That's right , okay ? Hey , whitney , my mother-in-law is insisting that my soon-to-be-born son call her mom . No , ma'am , I wish I was kidding . She sees nothing wrong with it and I know this will come up during holidays . Help me shut this down .
I , I don't , I don't know I I'm a little floored just because and I I understand this , as your mother-in-law wants your son , who's not born yet , to call her mom exactly and and not you mom . Uh-huh , I would just tell her that you understand that she wants to have her own special grandma name .
But mom ain't it .
But , mom , is not it that you are mom , uh-huh , and that if she wants to be mama , sure Uh-huh , she can be grandmommy ? I mean anything like that , gigi . What , yeah , gigi , my mom is honey .
Glam mom , whatever you want to call her .
Like just her being called mom is not okay . And here is one where I would actually get your husband to help you , because I did see this where it talks about if there's conflict on your side of the family , you go address it . If there's conflict on your husband's side of the family , he goes and addresses it .
And I really do agree with that , because we do know our families better we do , and so they are more likely to listen to us . We can have those conversations , we can have that reconciliation , have those conversations , we can have that reconciliation . So I would talk with your husband and say you know what ?
I'm not okay with your mom being called mom by our kid . That's just not appropriate . And have him come in and do that . Now , if she comes to you and says , oh , so-and-so said that you didn't want your son to call me mom , I don't see the issue with it .
And that's where you may have to be firm and assertive not mean , but firm and assertive and say that's accurate . I am not okay with that . It goes beyond just a discomfort . Feels incestual , yeah Well , and it's just . It's an overstepping of boundaries , it's inappropriate and that you know . If she wants a special grandma name .
That's fine , but it's going to be a grandma name and not mom , mama or mommy , just it's not . No , no , no , no . Shut that down . And here's the thing , if it comes up after baby is born .
Cause , you know it . You know it will nip it in the bud then and there yeah , you know , the only thing I had experience with this was my mother-in-law had said my baby , how is my baby ? yes , oh that drives me and I said you're 40 something , six foot seven baby . I said he's okay , you can call him yeah . And she's she's like what do you mean ?
I said no , no , no , that's , that's not your baby , that's my baby , correct ? Your baby is a real man . And she's like oh , I didn't know , you didn't like that . And I was like no , I don't like that . It didn't rub me the right way , probably didn't handle it the right way , but you know , it is what it is now . It is what it is .
So I think , when it comes to your kid , you grew , you delivered , you had the right for what that child is around , what they call people , who they see , and I think even goes to this if she ain't gonna respect you yeah then you have a right to say if you're not gonna respect my wishes and boundaries here , it puts pause to how we go to continue this
relationship oh , absolutely yeah because then it goes into it's a little thing , right . Even she may be like oh , it's just a name , but it's like , what's if your kid has an allergy later on , right ? And you're like I do not want her going to x because this peanut butter allergy and I know this is there , correct , and she takes the kid or what's .
If it's like , don't do x , yeah , and she pushes it because she doesn't respect your boundaries , yeah . So start early and stand strong on that one , and god Godspeed , friend , because yeah , that's a terrible situation to be in . And your husband needs to nip it .
Yeah , get his help , get his support .
Uh-huh . Yeah and other families should be saying no , no , no .
No , and you can even say that you know you wouldn't want your mom to be doing that that way they understand that you know the playing field . It's even .
Yeah , okay , no , all right On to a different one . Hey , whitney , my baby's only two months old . I'm not ready for her to be passed around or , honestly , in large crowds . Fair , any tips to navigate this ?
I mean , so we are in holidays and our babies that have just been born rsv is , you know , nikkyou babies , even if you're not nikkyou , I mean , especially if we're early , we're compromised medically . Germs , colds , you know it's exactly , it's so much . So , basically , a common cold us can kill a baby .
Oh yeah , so you're not being extreme , you're not being whatever here . So what I did is I just didn't go when I was about to say . I just didn't go and I said my pediatrician recommended we do not be allowed around large crowds in small spaces . You know , during covid we all had a good excuse , you know , know we were isolated .
But then even after that we still kind of hug on to that .
Yeah , and it depends on your comfort level , like how big are the family ? Get togethers , is it you , your significant other ? And like your parents ?
Yeah , is that a crowd that you're comfortable with , versus like 30 people ?
Exactly . It depends on your comfort level . So if it's a smaller , of like six or less people , that's when you set the rules of . You have to be well for two weeks . Do not kiss the baby . End of discussion . No wiggle room . Do not kiss my child . Do not kiss them on the face . Do not kiss them on the head . Don't kiss them on the back of the neck .
Don't kiss their hands . What do babies do ? They put it in their mouth , exactly Don't kiss their feet .
No , Because even if you have an older baby that can actually get foot to mouth you don't want that to happen , because they're still going to have a weaker immune system . Yep . So figure out , are you okay with a small get together ? Set the boundaries of no kissing . Set the boundaries of you have to be well for two weeks .
If you're going to hold the baby , you have to wash your hands .
So say you have to go . I did this trick with James . Yeah , you got to go , you don't want to go ? Yeah , it's fine , baby wear . Oh , yes , put that baby on you .
Yeah , get you a good wrapper , a good carrier .
And so like , because people think babies and their instinct gets to grab it's to touch .
Drives me nuts .
Especially older generations . They want to hold the baby , pass the baby . You know , I remember I had somebody tell me oh , we've passed all your cousins' babies and I'm just like that's different . It's great Fine .
But you're not mine .
And also .
I'm a different person . I'm not them , uh-huh .
So I , baby wore , and it just was like I did have people be like are you going to take him out ? And I was like no , no , no , I'm not , I don't have to . And if you're out in public , I will say this is a trick too . If you keep on the car seat , you baby says do not touch , your germs are too big for me .
Put that sign , because people , people are crazy they'll come out in public and try to touch your baby . I mean , just like when you're pregnant they'll try to touch your belly and they don't know you . Thank god for covid in some ways , because that was one thing .
My first baby was not a covid baby , and I remember vividly being at the grocery store and this old lady came and just started rubbing my belly . Isn't it weird ? it is because is because I don't know that lady Still to this day don't know her name and I just looked at her and I said what are you doing ? She goes oh , I just can't help myself .
I said well , you need to . It's called a physical boundary , exactly . No one asked you to do this , especially me , because I hated people touching my stomach .
I had patients do that when I was still bedside nursing pregnant , and I remember one day I specifically stepped way back because I saw his hand and he's like I just need to feel your aura and I said no sir , no sir , and I and I , so I said excuse me , and I stepped out of the room and I brought back one of my male co-workers and I was like you're
just gonna be here present for this , because we've already . I said you're not gonna touch me yeah and if you do it again , then I remove myself from this situation .
It was wild , yeah , but then COVID hit and no one touched my belly in public
¶ Setting Holiday Boundaries and Self-Care
. And then we had one of those little canopies that went over the car seat .
Everybody loves little canopies In the winter . It's great Now in the summer babies can overheat .
I was about to store with the stroller . Nobody would just come up and lift the canopy . But if I didn't have the canopy , they would get all up in there , and so , if it is a temperature controlled canopies are a great way to kind of have that physical barrier for so many reasons .
Ivy . You just cannot assume people have COVID since .
No , no , we can assume they don't have it .
So don't feel bad . Set your boundaries , Baby wear . If you have to go , say no , Blame it on your pediatrician . If it's your husband's family , your boyfriend's family , your partner's family , have them say yeah , we're not okay with this . We have to protect our baby . It is RSV season . We're not comfortable with that .
We will catch y'all in the new year or you know , again break it down into smaller groups . We'll FaceTime you .
Well , whatever , yeah , I mean , I would just say know that , however you handle it , you ain't wrong , correct ? So , and if someone has an issue with that , that's on them , not you . Yes , so so do what's best for your baby , because no one else is going to do what's best for you and your baby , but you okay .
Hey , whitney , I have a hard time saying no holidays . I find myself running everywhere and realize I'm not serving anyone or myself . Any people , please , or help ?
apparently I submitted this question did we write this ?
I did okay , apparently I could tell her about her childhood too , if she would like . But we won't go . Well , that's another . We'll save that , that's a .
So I feel this because I do have a hard time saying no , I am a people pleaser , I know that We've been far . I mean , I'm well aware of my faults with that .
Try to work on it .
Yeah , working on it . It's progress over perfection , right now . So , with this , ask yourself do you really have the capacity to do something ? Do you have the physical and mental capacity and energy to do something ? Do you have the physical and mental capacity and energy to do something ? Now , I get it .
If it's at work and you're given another assignment , that's kind of a different ballgame . If we're looking at extras , like Christmas parties , can you do a PTO thing ? Can we bring this and this and this or stuff like that ? Ask yourself do you have the capacity for it ? Do you want to do it ? Do you want to do this ? If you don't , don't .
I can tell you half the things I did last season I was like I don't want to do .
Uh-huh , and when my husband was at church as a youth minister , I felt like they owned our calendar for the month of December . It was miserable .
Well , the schools own your calendar . You know , this whole month and between early dismissals , class parties plays , all the things , all the things Work , parties , and heaven forbid , we get notice . Yeah , no , no . So you know , saying no feels really hard at first . It is hard Because it's a gift , like how we're ingrained .
Yeah , but again ask yourself do you want to do this ? Do you have the capacity for it mentally and physically ? Think of it almost like a budget . Yeah , okay , if you have a budget . Let's just say you're going to go buy a new car , your budget is $25,000 . Let's not go looking in the 50,000s .
Okay , exactly why in the world are you going to go look at this top of the line luxury vehicle that's $75,000 ? You don't have the means for it . And so ask yourself the same thing when it comes to holidays and going and doing Do you have the means for it ? Do you want to do it ?
If the answer to either of those is no , then just say I'm so sorry , we can't make it . I appreciate the invitation . Yep , you don't always owe somebody an explanation . You could just say we can't make it .
We have a conflict .
Exactly .
And that's okay , that's okay .
We can't be all things to all people . No and guess what ?
Everybody's going to have a conflict during this time . I'm sorry , but they are , and that's fine , and also your conflict could be your mental health .
So that's okay . It might make your anxiety go through the roof .
There are some situations . There are the holidays that for sure make my anxiety go through the roof , oh yeah . That I'm just like I don't want to do this . No , so you don't have to . So the first thing is looking at yourself , looking at budget , your mental health , your time , your abilities , and then realize saying no is okay .
Exactly , saying no to something is actually saying yes to something better .
Correct , yes .
So if you need to reframe it and be like , oh , this , no , feels so negative , right , like you know , rest .
Well , and especially in the South , we're always taught to be there for others to serve others to do all the things and so no doesn't feel like something we can do . We don't feel empowered to say it and do it . But remind yourself again if you don't have the capacity for it , you are allowed to say no .
And the more that you say no and recognize your own personal boundaries , the more empowered you will be to say no in the future .
It'll get easier . I mean , it really will . It's like you got to put your mask on before you help others . Right so you're saying yes to you having a better you . You're better for your kids , your spouse , your work , whatever Exactly . So reframe , and it takes progress . The holidays are hard .
We all feel under pressure .
Okay , last one . Hey , whitney , holidays are always triggering to me . After my oldest was born on christmas day in a traumatic fashion . I noticed the whole lead up . I fell off and no one understands it . And I get this this is hard I feel that I still feel this way .
I've been over at this about my kids birthdays , right , and then everybody's like , oh , they're turning older , what you guys ? Do exactly like I'm just like gosh . It's a really hard time for me it is yeah so I can't imagine for , like you know , christmas where it's in your face , it's in your face and it's in your face for so long .
People start playing christmas music after halloween .
Oh , that drives me nuts .
you know , here comes the lights , here comes the christmas and this mom would have probably I mean , it's her best but worst day of her life . Yeah , I've taken it , her or her child probably almost died .
Yeah , it sounds like that the things were very imminent , uh-huh . And so to this mom you really need to give yourself time to grieve , yeah , because that labor and delivery didn't go how you thought it would . It didn't If there was , you know , near-death experiences . You do need to grieve that .
You need to grieve that maybe your child has health complications now after delivery or a developmental delay , or that Christmas doesn't . Christmas always feels kind of tainted or stained because of this . So give yourself time to grieve . Christmas doesn't always have to be happy and joyful , the way it's honestly marketed to be it is marketing .
Let's go back to it .
It is .
This is a marketing , this is a consumer .
It's all about propaganda Driven money .
Yeah To us to feel expectations of perfection and for us to make the magic that we got to go big , go all out . It's a marketing scheme that social media has taken to the hundredth factor .
So to this mom , I mean definitely during the month of December , but very specifically on Christmas Eve . Christmas Day I know we have a million things going on here I am adding to your to-do list , but I really need you to get up like 10 to 20 minutes before you think your kids are going to get up .
I need you to take that time to grieve , to process , to cry . You know that it's a hard day anyway . There's already going to be the sensory overload , there's going to be overstimulation . There's going to be overstimulation . There's going to be all the things . So give yourself 10 to 20 minutes of quiet to process that . You desperately need to process that .
Because , I mean , I can tell you from personal experience if you don't process it , it will constantly come up .
And I've processed it .
I did amdr therapy for trauma . I mean I had traumatic births and I still you know your body doesn't forget , so like it's even like you feel more tense , you carry that and seek out professional help .
Absolutely , I would say , if you're not in therapy , get in therapy , schedule your therapist leading up right after and it don't expect other people to get it because they don't um and I think I looked for validation for how I felt from other people who had no idea what I experienced and it felt very people who can give you that empathy and validation felt
really shameful and dismissive and it it wasn't their intentions . Yeah , no , not at all it wasn't , it's just they couldn't relate , so you're going to have to go through this process , yeah .
And it's not a pleasant one .
No .
But we can call a spade a spade . You can be prepared that it's not going to be pleasant . Yeah , take that expectation off yourself that you're going to sail through the holidays unaffected by this . Yeah , you , I think , but you should be affected . How could ?
you not ? Because if you're not , then I'm going to say there's something bigger at play that we haven't addressed yeah . So just know too . But I think now I'm at a point where I know certain dates are going to be hard for me . My family knows , my friends know , and that's okay .
Yeah , exactly , that's my friends know , and that's okay yeah , exactly that's okay , like I've accepted it . I don't try to make it go away , right , but I've done the work and you know I never forget going through the trauma therapy .
It felt like reliving the trauma because you do in the process so you almost I get the hesitation because you don't want to go through it again because it was so bad exactly but you have to go through it to put it away . So again , seek out help , take time for yourself , call a spade for what it is .
It's a hard season and it doesn't even just have to be a traumatic birth , like it could be the death of someone , it could be a divorce , it could be an anniversary of anything that was a car wreck . It could be Exactly . You remember hospital admission Something from your childhood ? Absolutely .
Holidays , just highlight it , or that Christmas doesn't look or feel like how you thought it would . Because , honestly , when we get older and we realize that we're the magic makers , yes . Sometimes we get a little jaded with Christmas and we don't enjoy it like we did when we were kids . Yeah , because we're the ones doing it .
So all these are valid and we're all going to go through something similar , so we hope this hey Whitney is insightful , helpful . Keep sending us questions . You guys can DM us on Instagram , our premium mobs . You have a direct link to hey Whitney on every email and inside your dashboard . So till next time , guys . Merry Christmas y'all .
Maternal mental health is as important as physical health . The Preview Alliance podcast was created for and by moms dealing with postpartum depression and all its variables , like anxiety , anger and even apathy . Hosted by CEO founder Sarah Parkhurhurst and licensed clinical social worker Whitney Gay , each episode focused on specific issues relevant to pregnancy and postpartum .
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