¶ Miscarriage
Hey guys , welcome back to Pre-Liance Podcast . This is Sarah and Whitney . Today we're going to talk kind of a heavier subject , so there's a trigger warming on this miscarriage . It is something , unfortunately , that statistics , we know at least one in four women experience , if not more .
I was about to say . I think it could be more truly , because I've known some friends of mine who have experienced a miscarriage . They knew it was a miscarriage when they were passing it at home . So therefore it may not actually get recorded by a doctor's office and it's a really hard thing that you know people aren't really going to be very open about .
It's not something you can accurately count the numbers for . But , the thing about miscarriages is it's a loss and it's a grief . And it is something that will always stay with you .
You will never forget that .
You'll never forget it and I'll just share a little bit about my story that we , our first pregnancy , came to us as a surprise and we went in , everything was fine at like eight weeks , heartbeat was great . So then everybody tells you you wait till 12 weeks , right , and you announce , and it's great , and it's fine .
So we went , whenever we went to the beach , we wrote in the sand baby . And there was .
I had a bottle of water , we had a bottle , I bought a bottle and then Bill had a beer , took it , put it on Facebook and announced it and I was like , okay , this is my first pregnancy , this is what's going to happen , right , like you were just like , oh , it's going to work , right .
And then that same week I kid you not , I was at , we were shopping and I was having like some cramping and I was like , oh , oh , gosh , okay . And I was . I tried to get out of the car and I like held on .
I remember this very vividly and this was six years ago I held onto the car door and I was like Bill , something's wrong , like something's wrong . And I just was like I think I'm losing the baby and we had known that it was a girl we had did blood tests .
I was going to ask if you all did the blood test the chromosomal test we did and we knew as a girl we had named her her name was Ava and I was like this can't be happening , like this cannot be happening . And he was like okay , just rest , like we called .
We actually called one of Bill's attendings at the time we were in Boston and he said can Sarah come in ? Like you know , I , my husband , with his profession . We got to go through the back door and he was like can we scan her Because other separate pre miscarriage experience I've had to go .
I had to go to the ER and I'll tell I'll share with that a little bit , but that was traumatic . But this one was kind of like a backdoor way and had its negatives too .
So we got in there and remember the older sound tech knew my husband from work and it's one of those things you're just literally holding your breath because you're just like I don't know if the baby's okay and your head , your worst case scenario . She scanned me .
I'm sitting there , I'm looking at the screen , I'm like okay , I see a baby , I think it's fine , like you know , and I can't tell that they're trying to search for a heartbeat and there was not one . So Bill , I could tell by his face and she actually left the room like immediately and she got the attending who Bill was working close to . He came in .
I'll never forget this . He looks at Bill . He said out , I get emotional just saying this and he was scanning me like just kept , and I was like oh gosh , you know what's going on Exactly , especially if they're making Bill go out very quickly and like why would they make him go out ?
Yeah , your support person .
And I'm just laying there and I just I felt like I was so like naively dumb . You were hoping .
Yeah .
I was like oh my God , like we just announced to , like you know , that should be going to my head when it was .
And well , because then you're thinking , now I have to tell people that we've lost her ?
And so Bill comes back in and I'm trying to get dressed because I was with those horrible gowns and he just looks at me and this look , and he was just like she's gone and I to this day , I mean I have two children , I can't get in this upset , but it breaks me .
Yeah , and I'm like well , because it's not something that you should have to go through .
No , it just broke and it still does .
And yeah .
I remember going home and I called my parents and I couldn't even talk . You know and they're like you know , call your OB , blah , blah , blah . I was telling my parents . I'm like please just tell her , right , I can't tell everybody .
Yeah , remember going home that night and my husband actually was on call and he told his senior or resident was like can you please take my call ? And Sarah's had a miscarriage , and like we just need to know the next steps . And they said you need to man up and didn't let him didn't let him swallow .
I was like , wow , no one cares , that's awful , and so fast forward . They're like we don't think you're gonna pass the baby , you're gonna need a DNC Cause I was 13 , I was 14 weeks at that point . Yeah , I had that . So then I had to go in to the hospital again , of course , and to have your DNC , have my .
Dnc and it is labeled as an abortion on your chart .
Yeah , it's a medical abortion .
And I'm like I remember I got really upset about that and I was like no , you're like I didn't choose this .
I didn't choose this .
This is something she , she wanted , she was needed everything and I remember the anesthesiologist was making jokes and I'm like this is the worst day of my life .
You're like now's not the time to make jokes or be light about this , and this one nurse .
She came up to me and she goes I'm so sorry . I've experienced miscarriages too . I I'm so sorry , like this is , and I was like thank you , that's who you needed .
That's who I needed , not someone who was like trying to just joke about the day , cause it literally is like the worst day of my life and I just remember I'd go to bed and I'm like I kept being like this is a bad dream . This is a bad dream had the DNC and the OB at the time was like it's okay , you're young , you'll get pregnant again .
And I was like what ? And I just kept thinking how am I going to tell people I'm not pregnant again ? I felt like at that time , all my friends were pregnant and like having babies , and successfully , and I was like I was the first time my friend group to ever have a miscarriage and so I was like why is this happening to me ?
Like you know , there was nobody saying what you , how do you , how do you grieve in miscarriage ? I was Googling Like yeah , how do I do this ? Well , cause no one really talks about miscarriage and no one talks about grief .
So , of course , when the two are hand in hand , there's no guidebook no guidebook and you know I was like Googling what can you do to prevent a miscarriage ? Cause I was like did I do something and it wasn't my fault , but I was like could I give a reason ?
Well , and I think oftentimes , especially with grief if we know the why we think that we can fix it or
¶ Navigating Miscarriage Pain, Seeking Support
prevent it .
Yeah , yeah , and it just I went into like a depression . I truly did , and I isolated . I remember the holidays were upon us , I didn't go home , I could not face my family my parents came up at like my extended family . I didn't want the questions , I didn't want their comfort , I didn't want the you can try again . I didn't want any of that , you know .
And one of my best friends moms I'll never forget came to me and she shared her miscarriage story with me . Yeah , and it was like 20 , 30 years ago , really , and me and her both looked at each other and had the same tears in our eyes . And I was like there are so many women who have this hurt that we get each other .
It's not a club anyone wants to belong to , but the support and community that is there is incredibly unique .
She comforted me in a way no one else had , could Correct .
She understood .
No one , and now we , you know . So , in Previa , what's so important to us is if you have a miscarriage or if you have a loss we stick with you for three months after , because that is , you can have depression after this Postpartum depression . You can have that . And I was never screened again .
I was never educated about grief , depression , loss , none of that , and there was just no resources . But once I started sharing with people , I heard so many silent me too . I was like why are we not talking about this ? Because we're experiencing this and we're isolating and we're feeling shameful and it just really to be truthful .
It impacted me in those relationships during that time . Oh sure , because I grieved differently than him and it was my body and she was real to me from the first moment of the pregnancy test . So we had a hard time because then I was like , okay , I have to get pregnant right away again . And that didn't happen .
And then it became a I can fix my grief by getting pregnant again . I didn't want to sit in the loss . I don't know , but it's so hard I did not want to sit in that , and so then we ended up getting pregnant of Will , that whole experience .
And then we got pregnant again and had another miscarriage , and that time it was super early I went in Were you here in Birmingham then I was in Tennessee , Okay you weren't in Boston anymore .
We weren't in Boston , we were in Tennessee , so a whole new kind of healthcare system and it was early , like we went in super early , and they're like , okay , they appeared to be twins . I was like , oh , dear , bored , help me . And then there was no heartbeat yet .
And they're like it's early , like it was six weeks , and they're like come back at like six and a half or seven or whatever . Yeah , because it is hard to see a heartbeat . So then we come back and then there was one sack . So then they're like , okay , we're not sure what's happening . And then they still they're like come back because it had grown .
And they're like , okay , maybe you're just way off on your date . So then I literally was having like multiple ultrasounds with this like delayed , like am I gonna grieve , am I gonna lose it ? Like what am I gonna do ? And then I started bleeding and I had to go in because we always had to get a Rogan . Those shots they're very painful , oh my gosh .
Second only to the shot of the steroids for the lungs .
That I got for .
Will that . I still remember that shot Like that . I was just like that was . It was horrific . And it was this period of we hadn't told me people I was pregnant . I didn't know if I was gonna miscarriage again .
Like I knew in my head , like I'm not announcing anything on Facebook or Instagram , and they could not tell me what I was gonna like , if I was gonna be able to keep this baby or not , and it was like I felt a prisoner in my body , yeah . So then we came back in and there was no heartbeat .
And then again we had to have a DNC and then they thought it was a molar pregnancy . They thought one of the sacs was molar . So then I was like , oh my gosh , now am I at risk for cancer ? Right , cause molar pregnancies are related with cancer at times .
And so then I literally had to have blood work for months after till my HCG dropped , cause it wasn't dropping . So that's another thing with molar pregnancy . Sometimes it's super high HCG , which I think twins in the beginning , and then they're like we don't know if this was twins , if this was molar , like we have no idea . So then they had to do the DNC .
They had to send it off for path results . Something happened with the path results , where they were like lost and found , and I was held hostage of just this whole situation .
That's miserable .
And then you know , but that miscarriage wasn't like my first one in the sense , cause in my head I was numb . I was like okay , I'm just gonna miscarry , like I checked out . Yeah , so two different experiences . Then with James , I was bleeding randomly at 20 weeks and I was like I can't lose him , I can't lose him .
Was it a subchorionic hematoma ?
I don't even know why , they don't even really know why . It was a small amount , but like I was freaked out and I went to the ER and I was like crying hysterically and they brought me back into like this OB triage stuff . But I mean , I was that person in the ER , hysterical like I'm losing another baby .
Yeah , and people just did like the ER I remember where , like they don't mean to be cold , but it's like it's just another day to him and your life is like you feel like it's over and no one's caring . You're like you're losing a child or you're fearing that . So those experiences 100% shaped me who like how I am ?
I think 100% it added to my postpartum depression anxiety .
Mm-hmm .
I think what I wish I would have known is that I should have got into therapy post-miss-garage and been in therapy for my the whole time , through all the pregnancies , because I never had anybody to validate me , to help me grieve , to help just walk . Walk through it because , like my husband , at some point he just like had to heal himself .
My family didn't know what to say or do . My friends had never experienced that . Yeah , so you didn't have a safe place . I didn't have it and people . It wasn't like on Instagram now , where people are very open . It wasn't like that . No , I felt very alone .
So I hope , if you're hearing this and this resonates with you , that you just know that I'm so sorry . I really have not had that gut-riching hurt , anything else that's touched me like those miscarriages have .
It's different .
And it makes you feel like you felt and your body felt .
Yeah , it makes you wonder what could I have done to prevent this , or did I do something that caused it and you didn't ?
And I am , you know , like six years removed from it the date , but I remember the date still , like I , that we went in . I know exactly the date we went in , I found out for her that there was no heartbeat I might had I think how old she should be , yeah , and so that she'd be in kindergarten . Yeah , and that she'd be the older .
You know , we talk about it like . People are like oh , you're a boy mom and I'm like well , I was a girl mom , you know . But it's one of those things that's like do I break it down and tell them about all my losses , and you know ? Or somebody goes how many kids you have Easy answers too yeah .
I do have a client who has told me before where she'll tell somebody that she has one child here and she'll , you know , say I've got my daughter , I've got my son and one angel baby .
Yeah , yeah , and I , you know , I've started saying that to some people and others . It's just yeah .
I do think that it can help circumvent a little bit of people saying why don't you try for another ?
Yeah .
Why don't you try for this gender ? It's like you've experienced loss . I need to not cry .
I don't need to , I don't . Yeah , I need to shut you down , or you know , and it's not even to shut the other person down .
It's to have that authenticity .
Yeah .
But it's also to protect you from other invasive questions , and they ask you and it's like when are you getting pregnant ?
Cause , then that was the question .
Cause , when you're married , they're like when are you getting pregnant , blah ?
blah blah , or you have a baby when you have another one . Welcome to the south and you're just like and some people I was like you know what I just miscarried . I remember specifically with the miscarriage after Will , I was in the grocery store pushing around his you know he was waving at everybody , he was cute , you know he was two or whatever .
And this woman goes honey when you gonna give him a sibling and I said actually I just miscarried , so I can't tell you when I'm actually gonna be able to carry this baby . And she's looked at me and I probably shouldn't have been so brash and just I'm just like , yeah , my face .
I Don't know her place to ask and I'm just like I don't know .
Yeah , I can't tell you . If I could tell you , that would be fantastic . Yeah , so it was a whole lot of the stages of grief we talked about , right , like I was in denial , I got angry .
Yes , bargaining , which is trying to figure out the why it's my .
Google searches like okay , maybe it was my progesterone . Okay , maybe I should stop working out , maybe it's my caffeine all this stuff .
Yeah .
And I don't think I really got to acceptance until . I did therapy post will uh-huh and I , so that was like , honestly two and a half years
¶ Navigating Grief and Loss
.
Oh yeah , well , and here's the thing with the stages of grave . People think that you're supposed to go through them in an order and check them off and like , once you could plant the anger stage , you'll never go back there . Yeah , and that's not how it works . You unfortunately Bounce around them like a pinball . Yeah , you know .
So you can say that , yes , I've accepted this . I understand that this has happened to me , but probably on those Anniversaries you might have a flare of depression or anger .
Yeah that's appropriate 100% , and I I've shared this before and Whitney knows this , so I feel that Eva shows to me herself in the yellow butterfly . Mm-hmm and Whitney has her bird . I do have my birds , um , so we see that for each other .
But I will say , in really hard moments of my life , or transitional , I will always see a yellow butterfly and I think that Say whatever you want to say about me saying that , but to me , mm-hmm , that's what I need to know . She's there .
It's a comfort .
It's a comfort and you know we one of my friends Sent me the second miscarriage . It was very thoughtful of her . She sent me this lost package and it was like some seeds to plant for the baby .
So what has helped me Heal is Remembering and naming and acknowledging , yeah , this child or these children that I've lost , sharing , being open about it , and I think it's important to say that , like the two boys I have do not replace the two babies babies that lost . Yeah , they never will .
That's not their role , and a lot of people think that does that and it does not , and or that we're each their own person and they'll say it to me like well , you have two boys now and I'm like what I still lost my child .
Yeah , and I hate to say it , I think people do tend to dismiss miscarriage Versus another form of child loss , you know so it's early yeah . Someone loses a teenager in like a car accident . It's more seen . Yeah and so people will acknowledge it , as opposed to miscarriage where they're like well , you already had two other kids . Like you're good , uh-huh .
Well , if I knock on wood , lord , don't let this happen . But if I lose a child , that's a teen . I'm probably not gonna get that question of are you gonna have another one to replace one of your daughters ? No , no . I'm sorry , I can't replace them . They are their own person and you shut it and it's no .
I mean the things that . That's why it's like never asked someone if they're pregnant . You don't know how many times they have tried or lost correct . You do not know what their struggle is . Don't ask them . They're having siblings . Don't ask . I mean that is just none of your business and you . It just happens way more , yeah .
Then I remember you know , my grandma got told about it at a baby shower I don't know why it happened that way and she just was like that was impossible to hear at that moment , right , yeah . But then I was speaking of that like I got triggered after that , like I was like I don't want to see baby showers , I don't want to see pregnancy announcements .
Yeah , I don't want to see your holiday cards with your cute babies that I was supposed to be having to , like I was supposed to be this month's pregnant at this moment , or I was supposed to have her , like that was in my head . Then I just I had to move past that anger , yeah .
So if you guys are out there , we'll give you some tips that from a therapist's perspective and someone has lived it that helps you heal . I think the first is to grieve , let it out , don't try to hold it in .
Correct . And remember Give yourself the space to grieve .
It's going to be ugly .
Yeah , grief is incredibly unpleasant .
And it's going to be . You can't wish it away and you have to Trust me , if we could , we would . You have to go through those steps .
Know that people around you , your partner , your best friend , they may not get it , so a therapist to save space , or someone that has lived that , yeah , who's maybe not in it with you but like , been through it , that could be really important . Figure out how to name and remember your child that you lost . Realize it is a loss .
Don't let anybody define that for you it is a loss . Correct and do something for yourself , like if that's forcing yourself to get up , especially immediate post miscarriage it was like a force to get up , get dressed , get yourself ready and do something for you . And you almost felt like I felt like guilty , almost enjoying life .
Yeah , because you feel like I should honor them all the time . And here's the thing honoring somebody can look so different on a different day . Honoring them can be getting up , getting dressed and going and enjoying something that you think they would have enjoyed . It can look like crying and remembering them in that way .
It can look like discussing what your hopes and dreams for them were . Honoring somebody can look so different in so many ways and it's OK that we choose different ways to honor them . It's not just one way , but I really wish I would have had therapy .
It just would have been a game changer . So , if this is resonating with you , we've talked to you before but is it psychology today ? Psychology today , it's a great way to find counselors , therapists that are in with maternal mental health , that deal with moms and loss and can support you Because it's just , it's not something you're supposed to .
It's like one of those things is not supposed to be this way , no , so you need help . Guys , I'm sorry if this was a heavy episode for you , but I feel like it's going to reach people , yeah .
That resonates it . You know , y'all know us at Previa . We're going to be real and we're going to talk about the hard stuff .
We may cry , we may laugh , that's OK , you're going to get a little bit of everything from us , but we're here for you and share
¶ Postpartum Depression Podcast for Maternal Mental Health
this with someone . Sometimes , if you don't know what to say to them , this would be a great way to say you know , like I like enjoy listening to this podcast . They talked about this . I don't know what you're feeling , yeah , but here's their experience .
Or like I'm here for you , yeah .
So use that as that , but till next time , guys . I mean , see you , maternal mental health is as important as physical health . The Previa Alliance podcast was created for and by moms dealing with postpartum depression in all its variables , like anxiety , anger and even apathy .
Posted by CEO founder Sarah Parkers and licensed clinical social worker Whitney Gay , each episode focuses on specific issues relevant to pregnancy and postpartum . Join us and hear how other moms have overcome mental health challenges , as well as access tips and suggestions on dealing with your own challenges as moms .
You can also browse our podcast library and listen to previous episodes at any time . Please know you're not alone on this journey . We're here to help .