It Is Not Us... It Is The Kids

Hey guys , welcome back to Preview Alliance Podcast . This is Sarah and Whitney . Okay , fun episode today , guys . It's titled , we can all relate . It's not us , it's the kids , it is we , you know , they are the fire of the dumpster , fire of my life .

I love them .

It is . It's a topic that I think on social media , if you just looked at it right Like people hit and home about it , but they're still going to post their perfect relationship post and oh , we're doing these date nights , the kids didn't change us , yeah , and you're like I know that's a lie . So it's actually researched .

I have a six year old and a two and a half , almost three year old , three in August .

And I have a just newly two baby , james . That's right . So it will be five in August and a hundred percent , this is verified research that approved . That we can confirm . We can confirm that you are going to face relationship challenges Once these little love mugs come into our lives . From newborn to toddler to now Whitney's in post kindergarten .

Yes , my two year old . She is a force to be reckoned with .

Our youngest are savages .

Yes , what is it with these COVID babies ? They are built different , I'm telling you . She got mad at me this morning because I wouldn't let her have a popsicle for breakfast . And then when I went to go get dressed this morning , my husband let her have some chips .

What are you ? What kind of mom are you ? Abusive ?

apparently I'm telling you .

Well , I mean , but this brings up , okay , this brings up some things , right . So , like pre babies , you and Michael , you got up say good morning , had your coffee . You know if you wanted your devotional time , you're in low time , you worked out you got ready . So did you , he did him . Yeah , you were a team , yeah , it was easy .

That does get out of the basket , you know and then , or your socks don't need to be next to the hamper , they can be in the hamper .

You know , he forgets some things . You're like oh , it's okay .

Right , it's whatever , it is whatever .

And you're still getting sleep , You're still having that time for conversation . You know you've not had these boundary talks because in-laws come involved . You haven't had the who's taken off work when the kid gets sick . You haven't had all that . Now , quickly , I like to say , a partnership becomes a triangle .

Yeah .

And things get wonky Mm-hmm .

It's not as streamlined as it used to be .

It's not . And now this little baby , let's talk . Newborn stage depends on mom mostly Okay . I don't care how you're feeding . Oh yeah , it's going to be you , and you start noticing a role shift right and your basic life functions becomes something you have to ask for permission for yeah or get up early before the rest of the household to get it accomplished .

Yeah , don't let them unalive themselves for the next 30 seconds .

I need to shower , yeah , or can I have two seconds to eat , please , without someone on me ? So this hey , good morning turns to . I am going to the bathroom .

You're screaming for like .

I need my time . Like it's like an airplane pilot thing . Like eyes , I have eyes . Ok , now , whitney , your eyes . Like you have these kind of weird , obvious things that you're noticing , that you're going to fight about things that you have never fought about before . One of me and Bill's recent fights that we had that I mean ridiculous .

And it happens , it's never pleasant .

OK so . But you know why we fought Whitney , why ? Ok , this is wild , wild to me . I'm a seasoned pro of how to clean poop out of the bathtub . Got it ? Bill is not OK . So he came home and he had Baby James , had just literally pooped . Well , listen , I was like getting well out , getting the shower going .

Yeah .

OK , this is how this man tried to get the poop out of the bathtub .

You have some feels about this .

I'm still really upset about it .

I haven't processed it .

I can tell and I'm like I take a solo cup and I do a scoop method If it's large , easy , and then I drain , then I clean .

Yeah , and just toss the cup .

Uh-huh , whitney , he thought he would just add water to like dissolve the poop , to make it all go down the drain . I was like what kind of psycho bath am I married to ?

We took it to a level .

And we're arguing how the bathtub should have been cleaned in that moment . Ok , so how quickly life changes and you put that , how ridiculous it is . We both stood on opposite sides of it .

That's crazy . That's crazy , that's not us .

You know , we don't fight over little things . We don't fight over little things , we talk things through , we share responsibilities . All this to say , and pre-kids , you did Pre-kids you did Pre-kids that was the case . I mean , I think it's too right . Like what changes is now your sensory overload ?

You're tapped out .

You're touched out , the noises , the lack of sleep , so like your normal baseline is like exhausted , and we're not talking just baby Tallers , brutal , even older kids . You're running the million ways . Mom , why , mom , can I ?

I'm touched out .

I've had a kid on my head . I've had someone in my face or ear All day , all day , literally all day . This ain't a you thing . I need to ground . I haven't had a second to ground . Sarah hasn't done her ice .

I haven't stepped outside , I haven't hummed .

I haven't gargled . I haven't done anything . You probably haven't showered . I haven't showered . If I had used the restroom , the children were involved in it .

Oh yes , you know , like they're there . It's a team effort , it's a team effort .

So now I just don't think we're talking about it enough that the relationship's gonna change . How couldn't it ? Yeah ?

well , exactly that's the thing Change is inevitable , and especially when you're talking about something like kids , that is earth shattering .

And you don't go back . That's what I tell everybody . They're like oh , I can't wait to have kids . I'm like that's great , I'm excited for you . Just let you know you don't go back . Like your life for four kids is never coming to you . They're always gonna be there in your heart , in your mind and something .

I'm sure I will , but at the same time I don't know that I'm going to miss my child laying in the floor crying because I won't wanna have a popsicle for breakfast . No , I mean , I don't think I'm going to miss that part of these days .

We just got back from the beach and maybe James along himself on the boardwalk hot , sweaty sand , did not wanna move , so then I had to . The gentle parenting did not work in that situation , honestly , I didn't even try , picked up the football position and just said we're going . And everybody's looking at me like I've kidnapped .

Yeah .

You keep track .

The comparison game you keep tallies .

Why was up five times last night ? You snored . Why I've called out five times for work this month ? Because the kids are sick ?

Yeah , I did your turn .

Like . Then it comes a tit for tat which you never used to have that . Or it's a situation where , like we said , let's go back to the laundry basket . Oh , they could never throw it in the laundry basket . I mean , what is it where they can't Like ? What more ?

do you need ? If it's literally lying next to the hamper , why can't you move it a millimeter ?

Or the dish in the sink when it could be in the dishwasher . That's like one more step .

Why are ?

you reading my mind ? Well , because we're the same person . That's true , you know . And then then the common thing I hear is well , just what do you need ? Or tell me what to get done , and then you're just like I shouldn't have to tell you .

Yeah , it's one of those you're like . It doesn't actually take off of my mental load if I have to go through 20 things that I need you to help me with . I could have done it .

I could have done it , and then it just makes me be like more angry . Why did you not know ? We do this every single day this way . So again , I think little things become big things Because we are sensory overloaded . We have not crashed course into parenting and we're not alone if two-thirds of couples are taking what ? Three years to kind of figure it out .

I was just thinking that you're going to have an additional child , or you're going to try to write mock infertility or have a loss or whatever .

So it's going to be a cycle as soon as you get out of the fog , you tend to forget how bad and how hard it is .

And then when we jump back in and we're like , ooh , what have I done to myself ?

And you're having to learn to . Even last night we were trying to have a simple it wasn't even important what we were trying to have a conversation about but he would say two words and dad , mom did it , or like yes , and so then you can't even have a conversation together . And then that time when you do , you're exhausted .

I've done it myself .

Let's talk about things you can do prior . Ok , so what we should have done , and we'll even go back to when you're trying to get pregnant . Right , you need to have open conversation . Things are going to change . I never had that conversation .

We should have had that conversation .

We didn't either , and you need to also just kind of know it might not be easy to get pregnant or may not look like you thought In your head start thinking when a baby comes . We're talking childcare . We're talking about post-partum recovery . We're talking boundaries , families , job switches , moving .

Yeah .

So he's like wait what happened .

Yeah .

And the more pregnant you get , the less you will want it , the less you'll want it .

You've got postpartum where you're recovering .

Yeah , I mean it's .

Your body has literally gave birth one of two ways you are recovering .

You're recovering and we've said this before six weeks checkup is not the green light for everything , just to resume back because you're leaking , you're bleeding . All the things , all the things , even like the mental load to get ready for baby , falls on mom . Right yeah , the baby restree like talking to the family .

Watching the clothes .

The clothes , the telling her work about her leave she's going to . She has to physically go to the OB's office a zillion times right Like to figure out insurance that starts the kind of invisible load which he's thinking about it , but she , it's her body .

Well it's . I had to say it's her responsibility because , guess what ? It's her maternity leave .

She's trying to set herself up .

He can't file that for her no , and as far as insurance she's the patient , so he could call Blue Cross , viva , united , whomever , but she's the one , but she's the patient and then she's the one who has to give birth , correct .

So you , it already starts and like he can go out and still and do his thing . He's not going to be tired , he's not going to feel like you know , his bladder is going to explode so it starts shifting , yeah , and I just don't think they're going to get it . Even how many , I mean , there's never going to get it .

It's a process to get back to where you were . There is a really good book , and they also have cards , so you can kind of get either one , but it's called Fair Play .

I love that book .

It's a really good one because it hits it objectively . It's not like I do blah , blah , blah , blah blah and you do nothing . It's okay . Well , what task are we talking about ? What are all the things that go into that task ? Yeah , so a really good example of that would be meal planning , slash grocery shopping .

out . I think a good example , too , is like take out the trash . Yes , you need to replace the trash bag liner . There's you have to do start to end of a task for it truly to be completed .

It's so funny . I break up Instagram a lot , but there are some actually really good accounts out there and one of them talked about how did you close out the task .

I love that I talked about how you know .

one night the husband said , hey , I'm going to bathe the kids , you just take a chance to chill . Great Fabulous . He goes bathe the kids , get them in G and M's . You know . Let's just say you split bedtime 50-50 because we do that in our household Michael gets the older one , I've got the younger one , just because that's how it works for us right now .

Oh , I love that phrase .

Yeah , closing out .

That , I think , makes them , I think it makes you feel like why do I even ask or why do you even do it ? I still have to do something , yeah . And they're like , oh , I'm trying . So you have to have that awkward conversation and say , yeah , I need you to close the task .

Yeah , right , and I recognize and appreciate your help . Can we work on closing out the task fully ?

So that is the thing .

Let's just say , like if that was Michael and I , you know . Let's just say that roles are reversed , though . Let's just say I made the kids we do . Bedtime is routine . He gets up , but I've left the bath to wheeze in there . I didn't close out the task , kind of thing .

Yeah .

So there's probably something that I do and I don't close out the task . He probably does something . It doesn't close out the task .

I'm gonna say I'm pretty sure you close out task .

I try to , but you know what I'm human ?

Uh-huh , I'll give you a 99.9 , though yeah , I know you , it's the enneagram one in me , uh-huh . But you bring a point that we're not all perfect . Yeah , we're not all perfect we all almost need that reminder and we have lines fights , right . Yeah , like you know , like there's things that , oh yeah , that could be one percent that we don't do .

Yeah , naturally I'm going to think that my way is the best way , because that's how I'm wired . We're humans . We always think our way is the best way .

But our partner is why we fell in love with them . To start with , right , they bring something to our lives . Yes , that and our perspective that we don't have on our own , that it complements , and so one of the best Advice I ever got through this was it's not a you against him , it's a we versus them .

Admittedly , though , unless and this is probably a gross thing to say , but listen , like diarrhea , like it was not . When I know it was just like we can't add more water to it . Thank you .

I feel I've actually pulled people on this . I've not let it go either . That's the thing you every should do . We got to let this go . Yeah , I guess I let it go . I didn't let it go , but you know , it's just not you guys , though they're feeling this like this is us too . We experienced this , we go through this .

Yeah , yeah and go .

Why are we doing this ?

Yeah , cuz you're out there just saying sos , I'm drowning .

Do I call my friends , do I send messages out and say , young , what have we done ? Yeah , yeah , does he probably think the same thing ? Yeah , but do I love him and now I get to see good moments ? Yes , yeah , are we gonna like charge on ? Absolutely . But this I think you have to remind your guys , and you know , date night , so crucial .

Yeah , they threw kerosene on the fire . Uh-huh , we had a lovely little campfire , and then here comes the kerosene .

Yeah , so just remind yourself it's your two-thirds . You're with us , mm-hmm , and the people that say it hasn't changed after kids liars liars . So we're here , so hug your partner . Yeah , this two shall pass and just know we're all in it .

Yeah , it gets . It does get better as the kids get older . Mm-hmm , I can confirm with my oldest . Yeah , wait for the second to you know . Pick it up here a little bit .

We need . We need Whitney's second to give us good content though . That she has that's why she's here . All right guys , till next time .

See ya .

Maternal mental health is as important as physical health . The previous podcast was created for and by moms dealing with postpartum depression in all its variables , like anxiety , anger and even Affid . Hosted by CEO founder Sarah Parkers and licensed clinical social worker Whitney Gaye , each episode focus on specific issues relevant to pregnancy and postpartum .