¶ Toolbox Tips
Hey guys , welcome back to PreviewLine's podcast . It's Sarah and Whitney . Okay , one of your favorites is your toolbox tips . So , whitney , you ready to give it ? Let's do it . Okay , we got this All right . Your first tip , Whitney , tell us triangulation Am . I even saying it right , uh-huh .
Okay , okay .
Crangulation Okay .
So this is super fun , and we usually see this in a lot of kind of complicated , potentially toxic family dynamics . So what it is is you've got one person who has a beef with somebody else , so let's just say it's ambrinda , because it's always ambrinda , it's always ambrinda , it's always ambrinda . So ambrinda has a beef with me .
Uh-huh , ambrinda is not going to come to me , okay . She's not going to say , whitney , when you did X , y and Z , that really frustrated me , bothered me . Whatever the case may be , she's going to go to you , okay , so ambrinda calls me .
Where does she see ? you're my cousin .
Okay , so Sarah's my cousin Calls cousin Sarah . Yes , cousin Sarah . So we got ambrinda , both of our aunts . Ambrinda's mad at me , okay , But she's not going to talk to me . So she's going to go to cousin Sarah and she's going to tell Sarah I'm mad at Whitney because of this , this and this . Isn't she just the worst ?
Oh .
And I might get thrown under the bus .
Okay , okay .
I might get thrown under the bus . So Sarah is going to look to you for that validation and that support , basically just reassuring her and her thought process That it's not her , it's you , correct , and here's the thing . She can be frustrated and mad at me , but it's how she's going about things .
Is cause she's she were playing telephone here .
So she's going to come to you and then she's going to say now don't you say anything to her .
So now she's going to put you in a really hard spot .
Okay Now , if you and I don't even have maybe like a close relationship , let's just say we're holiday cousins .
Yeah .
We just see each other at the holidays no , no beef , but we're just not super close , right , so you can be influenced by that .
So then now I start looking at you like you're going to start viewing me differently .
So then , when we get together at Christmas , thanksgiving , whatever the case is , i just hear what ain't Brenda said about you in my head And you're going to start looking at me and being like . I see that , Yeah , Oh Sarah , big Sarah .
And so then let's just say , after that , get together and Brenda calls you , get in , and she's did you see what we need to do ? And you're like I did see what she did . And then you know what . She's probably going to loop somebody else into the mix . We're going to say , like cause of Mary .
Yeah .
Cause of Mary gets looped in and all of a sudden and Brenda kind of starts pinning all these people against me but won't actually come to me .
And you have no idea now why .
I'm sidying , Correct . I may notice that there's tension , but you're like why ? Yeah , but I may be very clueless as to what has actually happened .
So not going directly to a person .
Because no one is telling me what I did that upset them She's not directing Brenda . Cause I'm going to be intentionally trying to upset . I'm not saying that I'm perfect and I didn't do anything to upset her and she's not valid in those feelings .
I might be clueless that I upset her , so it's not going to . and , brenda , usually she's directing everything that we talk about her , but today she has chose violence via gossip .
Oh , yes , okay .
She's been in the group and chose the aggression . So what should I say to ain't Brenda in that ?
situation As a cousin , uh-huh .
To stop this triangle .
So if you kind of realize , okay , well , i don't have Whitney side of the story , that's when , again , you can validate Aunt Brenda's feelings , because she's allowed to be frustrated . I'm not saying don't feel what you feel , yeah , and you can say you know what , aunt Brenda , i can really see where that would frustrate to you . I get that .
Have you tried talking to Whitney about it to figure things out ? Yeah , and just throwing that out there casually . That being said , aunt Brenda may not receive that , she may not receive it and she may get defensive with you . So then you kind of have to be prepared . She might start doing the same thing to you .
Triangulating people .
Because when we look at triangulating literally , you think about a triangle . You have three components here , and so Aunt Brenda ain't going to come down to me .
No .
So you're going to try and get other people kind of coming against me , Gotcha . So when you think about a triangle you can have two corners against one .
Always learning something new with these toolbox .
Okay , with that you know you can do a gentle redirection of . Have you tried talking to so and so about your concerns ?
Yeah .
Or you can even say what did Whitney say when you , when you brought this up to her ? What was her reaction ? Right ? I mean , you're honestly kind of given her credit , assuming that she has approached me When she hasn't . When she hasn't And that's when she's going to say , well , I don't think I can talk to her about this .
We all have that person .
Yep , it's very common , very very common .
Now we just named what they do to us , so you know it's crazy , but now you know .
But now you know and it's not in your head that you feel like sometimes people are against you , right , because it can happen .
It's now we know the reason . Well , okay , all right guys , here we go . The next toolbox tip , okay . So I saw this on Instagram and we know triggers . Yes , and they said to find sparkle or glimmers in your day .
I love this .
Let's So tell us what this sparkle or glimmer is and how we should use this tool as we're going about our day , to improve our day .
So I love this because it's kind of that catchphrase of an attitude of gratitude . So what this can mean is that you know , if you do get up five or two minutes before your kids and you're able to have your coffee before they get up , you're able to have just that little bit of a quiet moment and you're just like I love this moment You get a hot shower
¶ Joy in Small Moments and Self-Sabotage
. Yeah , you know , for me this morning it was driving with my sunroof open and just enjoying how nice the weather was and kind of having my music up a little bit louder , just embracing these small parts of our day that don't cost us anything , we don't have to go , you know , extravagant , but it's just appreciating these small things .
And , like we've talked before , with the losses in our life , you know , if I see a cardinal now or a bluebird or a yellow butterfly , like for you , i'm like , oh , that's really cool . I see that little glimmer of remembrance or I see that little bit of comfort right there That makes us feel good . Yeah , it's a comfort for us .
And you know , i also got a die doctor , a Chick-fil-A this morning , and you know what That's happy for me .
So find it and look back . I've tried to start going . look back through your day and dig out those little glimmers and sparkles and say , okay , that sunset was great , Or you know what That was really great . I mean , I'm not going to be . Whitney or you know whatever .
Or if your child does something super thoughtful Or cute or you're just like oh , he was so cute at that moment . Or your spouse remembers to pick up something You're like oh , that was so great . Those little things So instead of remembering the bad , look at the sparkle the glimmers of your day .
It's easy to look at the bad .
I'm not saying that we don't , we all do it .
Yeah , we all do it And it's easy to do those things . But if we try to reframe a little bit which is something I talk about a lot in sessions with clients is reframing our thought process .
How we view something , how we approach something , can make a huge difference in how our attitude is when we go to bed at night and then how we wake up the next day .
Choose an injured day with glimmers of sparkle .
Yes .
That's your tip . Okay , i saw this talking about self-sabotage .
Oh , it's such a thing And , honestly , sometimes we're not aware we're doing it .
And one thing I was told once was people self-sabotage to control the outcome . Like it just dawned upon me . I'm like , yeah , wow , people are that into control that they would self-sabotage . So no , they know how it ends , because the fear of that unknown or being vulnerable is too much for them .
Yes , so this I can go real deep , go deep , go deep .
We love a go deep moment here .
Of course , you know , whenever someone mentions like they need to feel , like they can control something in their life , that tells me that there's anxiety present . Because what can make our anxiety feel better , managed or not so severe ? And it's when we can control something whatever that may be So like for me .
for example , i don't love being the passenger in a car for a long car ride . It bothers me . I would much rather be the driver . Why ? Because I can control my car . I can control the car that I'm in . I can control the car that my children are in . I can't control other people .
I just can't , And even though like my husband or my parents or him it can be a great driver . Honestly , I'm going to trust myself a little bit more , Okay .
I get that .
But at the same time sometimes that can be a self-sabotage , because I'm taking on more , I'm not willing to delegate , And so we've talked about the invisible load of motherhood or their mental load of motherhood . So that just adds another layer of . I've got to make sure that I fill up my car and have a head at service .
I got to make sure that I'm aware all the time , or I'm the one you know not sleeping and doing this long drive . So then I'm cranky and blah , blah , blah , blah , blah , blah all those things . So it's weird when we try to have a little bit of control , sometimes it can be a self-sabotage because we're taking on so much more .
And to take it to a whole nother level of deepness right there is so often , especially when we're kids and especially for exposed to trauma consistently , we live in fight or flight .
Yes .
So we become conditioned to chaos , And so oftentimes , when life settles a little bit or the pieces of the puzzle start to kind of go where they're supposed to , our brain is like oh no , no , no , we can't do this because we don't know how to handle being in a peaceful setting .
Oh , wow .
And so then that's when somebody self-sabotages and they create a chaos somehow , somehow , someway , because they're used to living in fight or flight , because their brain is more comfortable than fight or flight .
Let me tell you I've dated this person . Mm-hmm , That was not fun .
Yeah , it's not fun And that's really a trauma response .
Yeah , wow .
Because if you live in fight or flight , you're living in trauma .
And you know that makes sense just from my traumatic births , right like yeah that put me in those states Uh-huh , and it took a lot of work to get out of those states . I don't think people ever just realize that , especially like you . So their childhood is just yeah , you have to go to the therapist to do that work .
Well , and especially people don't realize too , when you start to come out of fight or flight , your hormones start to come down , that Cortisol starts to come down a little bit . It may feel like a depression when you come out of fight or fly because you're so you said like hi , almost correct .
And so you're used to being hyper vigilant and like what was that sound ? What was this , what was that ? you're used to walking around on eggshells , it's like primal Yes . And so when you start to come out of that , you may notice I'm tired and sleepy , i'm hungrier than normal . What is going on with me ?
Well , your brain , honestly , is kind of going into a recovery type mode .
Oh , wow .
And so it is gonna feel like a depression . Now I'm not saying that it's not a clinical depression , but if we can associate , we came out of a traumatic experience like someone leaving an abusive marriage . Yeah and the divorce is finalized and they have their own place and all of these things like I'm supposed to be the happiest .
I'm supposed to be at peace and live my life .
Well , what's what's next ?
It's because you've lived at that high level of yeah , I mean , people are addicted to that right .
Oh , that can be for sure . It's a chemical addiction if you really want to get down into the nitty-gritty of it .
And so when you look at someone again who like leaves in a abuse of marriage and everything is said and done and they're finally Safe and all those kinds of things , that may say why am I all of a sudden depressed , even though I know that was the right thing to do ? It may not actually be clinical depression .
It's that you're coming out of fight or flight in your brain needs recovery . Think about it like this if you're in fight or flight mode , it's like running a marathon . Yeah , like you're in it , you don't get a break right you're going , going , going .
So when someone is done with a marathon , do we expect them to turn around and run ten miles the next day ? No no , because they need to rest and recover right same thing with fight or flight . Our brain is running a marathon and when we start to come out of that We need to rest and recover . But it might feel like depression .
Well , okay , so all that to be said , get in therapy . Yeah , get in therapy , walk this through with a trusted therapist , because you're gonna think I think that's probably how people go back to those situations Is because you're like , well , this is not , they thrive in it right , they thrive in it and then you get out .
I would say that they're conditioned to it . I take that right ?
well , there's not the correct .
It feels natural to them right there are custom , so they don't want to feel that Uncomfortableness of like okay , that's not what I'm used to , but then you don't have someone like a therapist who's telling you this is why you're feeling now depressed , or you feel like While tired , or lost , and you know they always say that children tend to marry someone Like
there .
If it's a man , they marry someone like their mom , or if it's a girl , they marry someone like their dad . Well , if that was abusive when they were growing up , guess what they are more likely ? Oh well , to marry someone abusive because that's what they're used to and that makes me even more .
I want to do the work for my boys you know , Okay , let's , let's keep our therapy still going yes , yeah . Okay , wonderful tip . I feel like that made a lot of people see Okay , the next toolbox tip it's more of a question that we got .
Okay , i feel like it's a good tip to talk about is why we spend so much phone time on our phone scrolling Instagram .
So you know we just talked about fight or flight and a lot of people have heard about that . That does get talked about pretty frequently . We don't really talk about the fawn response .
Okay , let's break down What is fun .
Fawn response . Think of it literally like a deer in the headlights .
No , like I can't freeze a little bit .
Okay , and so it's easier for us to disengage or disassociate than to deal with what's actually going on . So you know , as moms , we do carry a lot of things . And so let's just say we decide , okay , today's the day to Clean house or whatever , and you go to your kids room and it looks like a bomb went off in there .
Yeah and you look at it , you're like I don't even know where to begin . I'm so overwhelmed . What do I , you know , make the bed ? Do I pick up the toys ? What ? where do I even begin with all of this stuff ? And so it's easier to be like you know what , why don't I just go scroll for a little bit ?
because I can't deal with this right here , right now . We disengage because we feel overwhelmed , and so , you know , let's just say we spend 15 minutes on Instagram or whatever , and then we come back and we're still overwhelmed . Yeah , because it doesn't change anything It doesn't change anything , and so we , we tend to retreat .
That's a defense mechanism of avoidance as well , and when I say those things , defense mechanisms tend to get a bad rap .
Yeah .
I get why ? because you think defense , you think negative but , But at the same time they are involuntary in the beginning . Okay like that , fun responses involuntary . Yeah you're not trying to self sabotage by scrolling Instagram . You're just like I can't do this right now . Wow , and let's also look at the facts .
There's so much data and research to back up how social media is designed to be addicted .
I was gonna say your algorithm , that's personal to you , that they're like oh , whitney clicked on this video , we're gonna send more like that , uh-huh , or the fact that it's the comparison game .
Oh , absolutely Keeping up with the Joneses , whether that means that you have the same car , or that your house looks like the same Aesthetic is theirs , or that your kids are doing the same activities as somebody else . All that kind of .
I mean , let's even break it into . Like you know , it's addiction , right , it's like a numbing .
It is .
I mean , you're getting into escaping , escaping ? What do we use to escape sometimes in society ? drugs , alcohol , painkillers numbing it . We're numbing it To not face what's reality , and I feel like , as moms too , we are very overwhelmed . Yeah , there's a lot of stuff going on , and Instagram , social media , can just be the thief of joy .
Absolutely Well , and you know there's also a lot to be said for ADHD paralysis . Yeah that's a . Thing . Yeah and so you know we have these other factors that everybody is susceptible to you .
But if you're already struggling with ADHD , if you're already struggling with depression or anxiety , You're more at to get on there fall into that fun response and it just kind of feed itself and be a cycle . Now , that being said , it's not always a bad thing , right to kind of give your phone response a little bit of wiggle room .
But it shouldn't be like taking over your life And so what I would recommend ?
I don't know if I enjoy to have this , but I know I . Phones have this , where you go in and you do your Screen time limits and you do that per app or just different things on your phone . Yeah or you know if it's one of those again , you go in your kids room and you're like I don't even know where to begin . This is horrible . Blah , blah , blah .
You're like I need a breather . Set a timer on your phone for 10 minutes .
Give yourself that 10 minutes .
Give yourself that breather . You're allowed to have a breather And so when that happens to you , when your 10 minutes is up , don't go straight back to that one task , yeah , because you're gonna get overwhelmed again . We know that it happened before .
¶ Boosting Productivity for Mental Health
Do something small , achievable , that makes you be able to check off that productivity and it boosts your confidence . So it might be loading the dishwasher , that's perfect . It might be swapping the laundry , something That's gonna take a couple of minutes , but it's not too much .
So give yourself that break , correct . Okay , we'll be back with more tips . That's right . Returnal mental health is as important as physical health . The previous podcast was created for and by moms dealing with post-partum depression in all its variables , like anxiety , anger and even Affinity .
Hosted by CEO founder Sarah Parkhurst and licensed clinical social worker Whitney Gaye , each episode focus on specific issues relevant to pregnancy and postpartum . Join us and hear how other moms have overcome mental health challenges , as well as access tips and suggestions on dealing with your own challenges as moms .
You can also browse our podcast library and listen to previous episodes at any time . Please know you're not alone on this journey . We're here to help .