Hey Whitney Summer Edition!

Hey guys , welcome back to Preview Alliance podcast . We have got . Okay , it's summer , we know this . We've asked questions . What do y'all want to hear ? We have Ginny with us because , you know , let's add it , it's a party .

It's a preview party .

Uh-huh , it's Hey , whitney , summer edition . That's right . All right , whitney , you're on the hot seat , let's do it Okay . Hey , whitney , finding myself struggling with over simulation . Okay , that's all of us , the hot , constant noise . It seems that my kids being home off routine , it's getting to me . Did they watch me at swim practice , the other ?

day .

Did they see me like sweating and wondering if I was screaming ? There was no , like I could jump in the pool to ground Whitney , but I wouldn't have worked out well , so help me out , okay .

Help us all out . So part of it is to realize you're not alone , because it's your kids . Being home and being out of routine is going to lead to sensory overload . It just is . And regardless of however old your kids are , i am a big advocate of they have to have a rest time in their rooms doing something quiet . They can be playing , they can be reading .

We all do that .

But we all need a chance to kind of decompress , have that quiet time . You need that time for yourself . So , big advocate of make sure you're still incorporating some type of a quiet or a rest time , try not to forget about your tactile grounding .

Yeah , i think what happens to me is loading the kids Like I don't feel like talked about enough and like it's hot , we're okay , we're in Alabama .

Yeah .

It's hot , yeah , and especially if you're like out somewhere and you're loading them and like you're sweating , they're hot . You're doing the car seat battle , yeah , okay , you get into the front seat . It's like a two second vacation when you shut the doors of your kids .

And then kids are like I'm hot .

I'm like mommy's hot .

It's Alabama , everybody hot .

Everybody's suffocating , so what should I do better in that moment ?

Well , remind yourself , especially with baby James Will comes at you too .

sometimes Yeah . And he's like more my mental , like terrorist assault , or like he'll just like come at me and be like mommy , you did that wrong , or you should . And like mommy , you forgot . Mommy , use your kind words , or ? mommy , why are you making that face ?

Yeah , I'm like I made a moment , sir .

Charlie always reminds me mommy forgot to take your three deep breaths , because that's what we tell him . Three react , takes some deep breaths and he's like I think you forgot your deep breaths , You're just like mommy forgot . You're right .

Let's take them together . So remind yourself , at least with baby J , the car seat battle is probably long from over . So try to mentally prep before you get there . But once you're in the car , if you still need that time to kind of cool off , open the windows , tactile grounding , let that air blow . Yes , let the air in the sound .

ring pops . Is that tactile Because we've been buying them in bulk ? Yeah , we're going to get one . It keeps their mouth closed for a minute .

Well , sour candy too . It's kind of a shock to your central nervous system .

Look at you big round and you don't even know it . I did . There we go .

That's why our road trips have been better .

We've all had our ring pops . Yes , ring pops are the secret to it , that's right . Jenny has unlocked the secrets Jenny has . let us know this .

It's in bulk on Amazon .

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Let us know Hey , we're good with it .

Okay , so you're not alone . We're all having those moments . and I will say I'm worse when I'm hurrying out the door . Oh , yeah , so that's a Sarah thing , that's an .

India gram one , type A , where we don't like to be late .

I don't like to be late . And then I do this thing with nap time . I don't know how you all do this , where I try to use the most I can of my nap time in that last like two or three minutes or whatever I know And then I feel like I could just speak to Hasmeen and devil and get it all done .

That's kind of an ADHD thing , where people with ADHD work great under pressure And so they will put something off or procrastinate it into the last minute and then boom , they thrive under that pressure .

I can tell by her look .

Do you want me to say ?

The therapist is like , and I'm like what is it ? Tell me , why do I do this ? It always takes a minute for me to process it . We'll talk about this later , yeah .

You're like to be continued .

Good to know . Okay , hey , whitney , my son just turned one .

Well , of course it is . It's a trauma trigger because you know obviously your life and your baby's life was at stake .

Yeah .

Potentially he had a NICU stay . You know we can say that , and so when his birthday rolls around you're reminded of that trauma . You might even have kind of some flashbacks 100% . Back to the you know labor and delivery room , back to the OR , back to the NICU . All of those things are going to be kind of running through your head .

Yeah .

Because you may not have gotten that golden hour of skin to skin , and so you're grieving that , and so it's very appropriate that you feel like his birthday is almost harder than it is celebratory .

I mean , it's the anniversary of your trauma . Exactly , you've been that .

Yeah , jenny's walked that road And still to this day I get weird around honestly both boys' birthdays And now my family's kind of recognized it . I recognize it And it just was not . I mean , it was not a happy day for me Not to be real driving past the hospital . Sometimes I'm just like I don't want to see it Right .

I thought I did Right .

I would like I put an elephant on the cake . Why wouldn't that ?

solve my problem Exactly .

But no one ever said to me , if you had a traumatic birth , Sarah , the birthdays would be hard . So if this drum , if you're hearing that for the first time , you're validated , I would suggest therapy .

Yes , Something that a therapist told me , and we have a therapist in the room that can speak to this . But just on that day , start the day and give yourself five , 10 minutes , however long you need to dwell on what happened , to really think about it , Because if not , you're going to keep having those flashbacks all day .

I love that .

So that was helpful for me . I was like I love that , that I don't have to keep trying to push it away .

I can just sit with it for this time .

You're allowed to fill your bills . You needed that permission Absolutely .

I don't feel like you have that permission .

I love that I'm actually going to start doing that , because sometimes I find myself being like I wanted to talk about it to someone but then I was like maybe they're tired of hearing it .

Well , this could be a good time setting a timer and voice journaling Yes .

Yeah , so the I think really too , especially you know the aftermath of trauma . trauma is tricky . trauma is like grief It pops up .

It's very sneaky .

So to this mom it's very validated . Unfortunately , it's a normal experience .

Yeah .

And you know too , sometimes I like to travel around the birthday . It doesn't even like a small little trip , It kind of gives me something out of like the location , because we live where the trauma has happened . Yeah , to me that's one thing . So find your ways , find your .

And then a grief and joy can coexist . Coexists It has to be all bad or all good . No , you can feel conflicting emotions .

Totally . Oh , okay , i like these Family stuff . Whitney , here we go , Let's do it , aunt Brenda . Hey , whitney , we have several large family gatherings , vacations coming up , it's summer , everybody's trying to see everybody's schools out . I am not ready for the questions about us getting pregnant . We've had several miscarriages and currently do IVF .

Okay , for starters , if we have just any , let's say support people listening to this . For the love of God , don't ask people when they're going to have a baby Or when the next one is . Exactly , Or are you ?

trying , you know like- . I'm surprised you haven't had another one yet . Yes , because you're not getting any younger , because you're all the things Somebody asked me when the third one was , when I was leaving the hospital with Baby James . I am not even kidding . What are you going to do for the third ? I'm like , okay .

It's like , ma'am , go get the biohazard bag .

And she's looked at me I'm like that is inappropriate Yeah .

Recently , you know , I had COVID and I had sent a picture of the COVID test to my friends . And they're like you're pregnant . I was like did you forget ? my tubes are in a biohazard bag and probably like gone . at this point , because it's been nearly three years , i mean , no , it's wild . I'm like no , i caught the plague , not a pregnancy , Okay well .

I tell you , i remember this happening , conversations about when you get pregnant , when we were engaged , i remember as soon as we were married , you know literally questions . And then when I had the miscarriage , everybody just thought a lot of people didn't know we had the first miscarriage . When are you trying ?

People feel very entitled to that information .

Uh-huh , and they just keep asking and I get this . I remember post miscarriage not going to a holiday because I couldn't stand to ask the question .

I could not and I did not go , I put and I said I cannot do this Yeah .

So I feel for this mom and , yeah , for her it comes from , maybe an innocent ? place It does .

You don't realize how hurtful it can be . They're not trying to be malicious . Like I can remember , the dental hygienist asked me don't you want more ? Are you going to have ? more as I'm like actively miscarrying and I just like took everything , not just ball .

I'm getting my teeth clean , so I totally just feel for this mom , and so for this mom for ways to cope with it .

Yeah .

You know , if it's one of those you're able to get away , please do that . You know , even if that means like , oh , I got to go run to the store and you drive and you take that time for yourself .

Yeah .

To emotionally decompress . Do that . Um , some really good advice is if it's your side of the family , have that conversation with them . If it's your significant other , they need to have that conversation with their family .

Get the sense of this . It might be his family , but I could rock .

I'm just like painting this picture of this , and so you know if it's one of those , depending on how strong the relationship is , to have that conversation of hey , we're going through IVF , we've experienced miscarriages . Please , no one asked us about this . This is not a good topic for us to have . You know if , if or when we get pregnant .

Yeah , i mean I'm going to go get a drink . Oh , i need to go reduce the rest . Yeah , i mean , i was also sassy at times , you know , and just like . Well , when I could you know . When are you going out of the baby ?

Well , when God gives me the baby you know , or like I just say , like I'm just not comfortable having it Totally , Yeah , Totally .

And you know I was just like , if you're going to ask me such an invasive question , if I offend you , maybe you should be looking while you're asking me an invasive question here , Like it was a hard time . Um and still people ask me and I'm just like we're done .

Or the links that we went to to get the children that we have , yes , and that at some point , like for me personally , i was like I'm quit , i'm going to quit rolling the dice . Yeah , i'm quitting while I'm ahead .

Yeah , and we could try . There's women out there who try and try and try to get pregnant and it does not happen that way for them . So I think hopefully we're getting better in society . Yeah , and the more you can just say . I think the awareness is getting better . I'm not comfortable . You change the subject . You had the uncomfortable conversation .

Yeah .

That's our advice , but just know , it happens to all of us And we walked that road .

It's hard .

It's hard And you know somebody always needs to get ice at parties Someone always needs to go get grandma a new drink . Take those out .

Yes , there's nothing wrong with that , yeah .

And you know I always like to before situations where I feel like I'm going to be pressured . I like power walk , i do my workout . Yeah , i like get my good headspace . Yeah , like fill your cup a little bit more that day . Mm , hmm , give yourself grace , absolutely . Oh , ok , changing topics .

I'm right there with you .

I know social media is made for this . I'm not the only one who's feeling like it .

No , i'm right there with you . Yeah , i am not a Pinterest crafty mom . Yeah , i would love to be Mm . Hmm , i am not . I have tried and failed , yeah , so no , you are not alone at all in your courage . Social media is designed for us to fall into the comparison trap . Yeah , it really is .

Yeah .

Or put a title .

That's a highlight reel .

Exactly It is . It is

Yeah , i mean they're not happy , they're just supposed to look happy .

Exactly . Oh my gosh , you know it's two seconds of happy for the picture .

This is so bad . I'll say a second of that . There is sometimes in these posts , when people put these extreme decorations of their happiness are perfect . I'm like oh , you're just telling me how bad it really is in life .

Or like we were talking about the moms who say they do it all . And I'm like look into your five children and you're like making homemade butter , that you're turning and you say you have no help . I don't believe you . I'm sorry , i'm not buying .

I'm thinking there's a sister wide there at that , i would consider Exactly . And I would consider That's a nice . let's talk about it .

Should I have been clean As long as she didn't love ?

Bill , I'd be fine .

And he didn't love her .

There you go , exactly Like just give me like a good helper , exactly .

Exactly .

I think you know . So listen everybody you don't know to . I had to reframe this . She's taken a trip . You don't know how long that mom has been saving for that trip . You don't know how that trip's happened . You don't know the effort she's done . You don't know if her kid was a terror that night before .

We all do it exit job a different way , exactly .

So you're not the only one who and sometimes summer's hard because our kids are home And like we're trying our best to keep them active and engaged .

And that looks like different for everybody .

But take that , go off And like , just I relate this , and when I was trying to get pregnant I couldn't be on social media because I thought everybody was pregnant . Yeah , so sometimes if you're just struggling with , like your confidence , and your comparison is really speaking to you . Don't look at it .

Yeah , might be a time for a break from social media or at least to put like this green time limit on there , So maybe like 10 or 15 minutes a day .

Because it's a lot easier to look out and say everybody else is doing better .

The rest is great .

on the other side , But it's like if you sit with your own . Yeah , that's where it's at . Yeah , but you know I did it too . I remember Will was little . I feel like she's taking this kid here , She's doing this to the library . Look at her . She's done that . I'm in shower today . How is she doing this ? She has five kids She's driving back for Target .

I'm like I hate to say sometimes kids start to raise the younger kids .

Yeah , they do , depending on age They're pretty well . Yeah , so I mean , but I did it , yeah , you know . So I think we all do it , but just know that we're all living this life together .

That's right .

Literally . I relate to our reels . We all post on Instagram .

Yeah , nobody has it all together .

Come on , if you would have looked on the opposite side of what I'm showing , you all see a whole different version , and that's a snapshot of our day . Oh yeah , two seconds and , honestly , it's probably prerecorded in a quiet time when we're children . Okay , so do not feel this way .

I'd say this is par for the course . Yeah , let's normalize this .

Yeah .

Because , especially if you have younger kids . So , like I've said before , i have a two and a half , almost three year old and a six year old , and the two year old thinks that everything is hers .

Mm , hmm .

And God forbid her sister actually pick up one of her own toys because then the two year old wants it , mm , hmm , so it's this constant battle of note that is hers . She had it first . You don't just take things from other people , right ? We have to share . If you can't share , i'm putting the toy away . We are referees all the time .

Mm , hmm .

All the time , especially when they are in that younger like toddler to elementary school age . We're constantly going to be refereeing .

Yeah .

And then we're already kind of flustered and frazzled from that .

So y'all do one thing off to each other .

Then it's just like let's go , you know my husband might I don't know like tie his shoe wrong and it just grates my nerves and then I , you know , get upset over that .

Uh huh .

And so it's like one thing starts another . It's a domino effect .

Yeah .

And so you're not alone in this . I would tell you , as far as like , trips and stuff like that anticipate cranky , yeah , and I'm anticipating crankiness Expectations needs to be low .

Oh yes , for yourself , your kids your spouse , different environments , different centuries , you know . Even it goes back to like the toddlers right , they're all trying to kill themselves .

So we have safety guards in our homes right .

Like in our day to day life , we know where the stairs are . Oh yeah , we know where the scissors are . We put this away . They have their cribs or they have their bed rails right . We go to a foreign environment . Mm hmm , we've lost that control of just normal safety . So , like you , could , you know , cook for two seconds without your kid kill himself ?

And , honestly , you know our kids , they're going to struggle being in a new environment , because it's new , it's exciting , And so they're going to be a little bit more hyper with that . And here we are thinking dear God , I'm exhausted , how do you have more energy , kind ? of thing , yeah , so we're dealing with polar opposites in that aspect too .

It's a mental low getting ready for trips It is . It's a lot , so you're already coming into it . Like I always tell people , like when you give birth , you're at a deficit , right Cause you've probably not been sleeping well when your last week's a pregnancy and like you're trying to get everything together and then you have this baby .

we're the only part we got to grab .

Yeah , We got to get all the things . So you're bringing that into a trip , yeah , and then say you have family involved , you have friends who like to go vacation together . People care different , people Do things different . Mm , hmm , um , but definitely you and your spouse got to realize a vacation with your children is not a vacation .

Oh , 1000% Yes .

So , whitney , it was so funny , we all went on vacation the same time . Yes , whitney had a true vacation . Yes , okay , me and Jenny took our children . Yes , so we parented in a different location .

Yes , yes .

So did you have mom guilt , though , when you were , when ? Oh yes .

Mom guilt . Yeah , oh yeah you know , talk about like tears on the plane , Uh huh , uh huh , cause it was for a long time .

Yeah .

And then it got extended because I got COVID , while we were out there . So then my parents ended up having to keep my kids for a few more days until I was negative . So then you have mom guilt because you have COVID .

You know again , highlight Real people are gonna show . I showed the highlight real so I had to show you all the bad stuff on my Instagram stories . When we were Melting down I told Jenny was on vacation doing live the same life . Jenny , yeah , we were not thriving today .

You know the people that were in my like green circle , my close friends on my Instagram story . They knew I had caught covid . Yeah , go on vacation , get covid , it's great .

So I mean , i think it's just expectations And is your kids get older , it's gonna get a different vibe but the trenches right now Some low .

Yeah , we listen to us . Have you seen this book ? It's written by a therapist . We listen to that on audible on our way to the beach all the way back . It's really long . We don't listen to it the whole time . But , I feel like that was good , just to check in , okay , to be like okay .

Yeah .

I'm talking about someone or two someone . Yeah , that was just something he said in the book and so it's things like that . That was very helpful . I thought yeah , I was like that was convicting , like it was fresh on our minds , yeah , yeah . so maybe find a good podcast or a good one traveling and that's a safe space .

Right Like you can listen to someone third-party say yeah , Like none , i mean . I was gonna say did you just like across and just be like ?

Yeah , yeah , Yeah I always do that , sometimes in church , i'm just like I'm gonna ask her when I was like you have to listen to sermons for yourself . You cannot be thinking like this was written for you .

You know your hit now , But I think that's a thing you know a good check-in before a trip .

And go into the trip , and you know .

I always say , you know with kids , if you can take , like I know , my parents went with us , so we got a date night or two in there . great , check it . you can put the kids down , you can order takeout .

Yeah , they had their baby monitor .

You could sit on the balcony , have yourself a little wine and a mill check out and just do that , check it . I'm sorry I lost my temper with you . when you know the swim diaper , they had a situation in the floaties and we were all hot sand was in all places .

Situation again and similar but not as triggering .

And You know it's amazing to on trips which you can find the other person doing wrong , right , Amazing like we have a heightened Sensitivity , or radar for one .

That's what Matthew pointed out , graciously . He's like just because I do something differently than you would do it , it doesn't necessarily make it wrong . Yeah , i'm like that's true , It really is . It is It's true , but it's hard when you're used to doing all the things you're like not the way we do it exactly .

Yeah , it's not wrong . We got to relinquish a little bit of that control .

You dusted the sand off them wrong . You know it's like .

I really do it wrong .

Exactly No but you're looking at it going .

That's not the most efficient way , right as any of your ones over here , 100% .

so I think , just knowing Everything's heightened , Mm-hmm , it is for us all , but this summer questions . They were so good . I love you guys . What are these ? have touched on a topic in your life . Keeps sending us more and we'll answer until next time , see ya . Returnal . Mental health is as important as physical health .