Sarah: Hi guys. Welcome back.
Whitney: Hey.
Sarah: Whitney's with us today again.
Whitney: Whoop. Whoop. Here we are.
Sarah: We're so excited. So, we're going to do something a little. Different’ s called Hey Whitney section. So instead of me calling you and saying, Hey Whitney, what's going on with me with this? We're going to have some questions that you guys have sent in. That we haven't covered yet. That this is going to be a good way, to kind of bring in some more discussions.
Whitney: Cool. So, it's going to be a little candid here. I like it.
Sarah: Our first one is, Hey Whitney. I'm finding myself overcome with anger, rage. I snap at my husband, the dog barks. It sets me off. Yeah. I feel like no one can do anything right for me.
Whitney: So that kind of tells me that there might be kind of a foundation of anxiety, cause a lot of times anger, rage, frustration, things like that kind of sprout off of anxiety because we feel like we don't have control over a situation. So, it may not even be that you really feel like you need to control who loads the dishwasher. There may be something going on at work with your health, with your family, something else that is really the big factor. But you know, somebody helping out or the dog barking is kind of the straw that breaks the camel's back, so to speak. So, some things that I would really want to encourage you to do voice journaling. So, I want to say Androids have this too, but I know for sure iPhone have the voice memo app open that app up and just talk.
Get out your feelings because truly we are carrying around a lot more than we realize so get that out. Take however long you need to take to get it out. And then when you're done delete it, that will kind of give you a sense of closure and the beauty of doing voice journaling. Your phone's not going to talk back to you. And it's faster than pen and paper journaling, which I'm here for that. I am not against it, but in this busy day and age, most of us live in, it's hard to sit down and take 10 minutes and write out what we're feeling. And a lot of times when I'm angry, when I'm upset, I can talk way faster than I can write.
Sarah: Yeah.
Whitney: I can get a lot more out in that same amount of time.
Sarah: My husband agrees with me doing that very much so too.
Whitney: Good stuff. So definitely some voice journaling can help with that. I would also say that there could be an element of over stimulation. Especially if you've got kids going on cause there's messes everywhere because that's my life. Yeah. I mean there's cheese, it crumbs all over my house. It doesn't matter how often I vacuum they're there. I think they're permanent residents. And so, like you've got kids, so you've got messes, you've got noise. You've got the never ending to do list. Well then, you've got the dog barking, you've got this, you've got that. There's a lot going on. So, I would encourage you, you know, if the kids, if you're able to get your kids down for a nap at the same time, or if you're able to kind of get them to watch a TV show for five minutes, step outside, screen free and take a minute just to take in some deep breaths, kind of calm yourself. And when we're in nature that does a lot for our central nervous system.
Sarah: It does.
Whitney: It's kind of a reset. So that's another way that you can kind of break outta that over stimulation.
Sarah: I have found, which I get super evenings are really stressful in our house. Bedtime bath routine. Everybody's sweating or crying. That occurs and I have had to stop and before I respond, go 5, 4, 3, 2, 1.
Whitney: Absolutely.
Sarah: That I know you've been saying it. You're probably like okay Sarah, Sure. But no, it helps. It helps.
Whitney: Tremendously.
Sarah: Because a lot of times with our children if you meet, they're crazy. If you're crazy, I like to say, we're all just going to escalate. But this question resonates with me. Cause I remember James, our second son, I extremely felt rage. He would cry and I would feel so angry. So that's common. We feel that way. There's nothing to admit it. So, our advice says, Whitney said is, look at your surroundings, realize it's a lot going on. A lot of sensory. Let it out in your voice memo.
Whitney: Yes. A hundred percent.
Sarah: And I think being honest too, with your support. When you need a break, you're allowed to break.
Whitney: It's not, it is not selfish for us to get breaks.
Sarah: Right.
Whitney: It is not selfish.
Sarah: So, taking even 10 minutes just for yourself or for me in the mornings are chaotic at my house as well. Mornings and evenings are pure chaos. Now I think about it if me, which it's not doable in the newborn stage, we're not saying this. If you're a newborn. Yeah. This has to, you know, and you're up all night or if your kid's sick, it's not always doable. But getting up and me getting, I drink the energy instead of coffee. That's my coffee. That for having a moment before my kids.
Whitney: Oh yeah.
Sarah: That's kind of helped me.
Whitney: Absolutely. Having that, like start to your day where it's slightly calm. Slightly quiet people. Aren't screaming at each other yet.
Sarah: to kind of center myself.
Whitney: Yes.
Sarah: All right. That's awesome. Let's go to the next one. We've kind of talked about this one before in a previous episode it says, Hey Whitney, I'm struggling. Everyone says sleep in the baby sleeps, but I can't. Help.
Whitney: Okay. So, there's a few things there. As adults, our circadian rhythms, unless you work night shift, we're really not built to sleep during the day. So, when you have a newborn, they do sleep during the day a lot.
Sarah: Days and nights are way mixed up.
Whitney: Absolutely. And so, number one, it may be hard for you to feel like you can actually sleep during the day, but on top of that too, especially in that newborn stage, because they are needy, they are clingy. You're thinking, oh, I finally got them down for a nap. I need a shower. I need to eat. I need to brush my teeth. Or, you know, maybe I need to get a chore done or something like that. We have this never ending to do list. So, it's hard for us to feel like we can sleep when the baby sleeps. If it is nighttime sleep. Cause my first child, not my second child, my second child I'm convinced is out to get me. But my first child was kind of a unicorn sleeper. And even though she was a decent sleeper, even in the newborn stage, you know, she could gimme a solid three hours from the get-go. I would not let myself sleep for fear of SIDS. And so, I would stay up and watch her.
Sarah: Check to see the breathing.
Whitney: Oh, I was right outside of her crib watching her.
Sarah: staring at a monitor zoomed in on the chest.
Whitney: I wouldn't even trust the monitor. It was pretty bad.
Sarah: Okay. Yeah.
Whitney: And so, I just remember thinking if I fall asleep, she'll die of SIDS. And we had to do infertility to get pregnant with her.
Sarah: So, it's even more.
Whitney: I felt like the stakes were really high on that. Yeah. And so, it was one of those, it was definitely postpartum anxiety. I see that now in the hindsight, I probably knew it then, but I was in denial again, guilt shame that we've talked about in previous episodes. So, if you feel like your anxiety is, or that your lack of sleep is due to anxiety, especially at nighttime and that it is SIDS related, highly encourage you to reach out to your pediatrician about a SIDS monitor. I am not a doctor. I am not a nurse. I am not a pediatrician. So, I cannot give medical advice. But I do remember that was the advice my OB gave me. Cause he's the one that kind of caught it about two weeks postpartum. He was like, you've got to get some sleep. This is not going to get better if you don't sleep. And so, we actually got a snooze on SIDS monitor.
Sarah: We had the outlet.
Whitney: Yep. I had the outlet with my second one and you know, as a mom, it did a lot for me to have peace of mind, to know that there was some type of a safety net. That went a long way.
Sarah: It really did.
Whitney: I needed that.
Sarah: And then something I had to work through, which I, when I was in therapy with Will, was stopping those negative thoughts.
Whitney: Yep.
Sarah: Because they would just escalate in my head especially at night or when I love my husband very much, but when he was over there snoring and he could sleep peacefully, but I couldn't. So, any help there to stop those negative thoughts in that moment that you have.
Whitney: Yes. So, what we call those are intrusive thoughts. Now, just to preface these intrusive thoughts are not thoughts that you want. You are not coming up with them on your own. Like you're not kind of willing them in your own thought processes and it's not something that you want to actually happen. So let me preface those intrusive thoughts are unwelcome or uninvited thoughts that you do not want to happen. But also, anxiety is a form of protection. Anxiety is there as a way of saying, hey, you need to be aware of this, but unfortunately it kind of snowballs. And that's what turns into an intrusive thought. And so, when you're having those intrusive thoughts, let's use the example of you or walking down the stairs with your baby. And you're like, oh my God, what if I fall down the stairs? And then what if baby ends up in ICU? What if I end up in ICU? And next thing you know, within a matter of seconds, you're in this worst-case scenario of both of you being in the ICU on life support.
Sarah: I’ve been there. It's crippling. And you, I had never had intrusive thoughts before I was pregnant. I look back and I had an intrusive thought couple times when I was pregnant, I had a high-risk pregnancy. I was told at 20 weeks, the odds of me and Will surviving was pretty low. So, I always pictured worst case
Whitney: Naturally.
Sarah: But looking back, I don't feel like anybody named it to me. I think they were just like, well that's reasonable cause it's high risk. But it's like, then you, like you said, it's snowball to me driving. I mean, what if I drive off that bridge? What if I get in a car wreck?
Whitney: Yep. So, when we're having those intrusive thoughts, as best you can in the moment, take a deep breath, take a few deep breaths, get some oxygen to your brain, bring yourself back to the present moment with facts.
Sarah: Yeah.
Whitney: So, what I would want, let's use the staircase example cause it's a pretty easy one. And I feel like it's pretty common. We can say, okay, I'm having anxiety about falling down the stairs with my baby. I don't want that to happen. But right now, in the here and now we're safe. And if it makes you feel better to say, okay, I need to make sure that I have a tight grip on my baby and that I'm holding the railing, do that. Those are protective preventative measures. They do not harm anybody.
Sarah: Take Your socks off.
Whitney: Yeah. Take your socks off. And honestly, if it is crippling to the point where you're like, I can't walk down the stairs anymore. Who says you can't sit on your butt and scoot down? Nobody says that. If you need to do that so that you can actually accomplish getting down the stairs, do it. Do it. It is totally fine. There's nothing wrong with that. But when we use those grounding thoughts and we combat our anxious, intrusive thoughts with facts, it's really hard for anxiety to disagree with a fact.
Sarah: So, bring it out the facts.
Whitney: Would, how would bring yourself to the present moments.
Sarah: And bring you back to reality. And they, I believe it's in one of the videos you were talking about the water.
Whitney: Yes. Okay. So sometimes when we struggle with anxiety, we have the physical symptom of like racing heart. Or like our heart's going to beat out of our chest.
Sarah: I sweat.
Whitney: Yes. That's really common. And so, in those moments, if you struggle with the sweating or you get like a hot flash or you feel like you're having heart palpitations, get something cold, it can be a wet paper towel. It can be a wet washcloth. Coke can, bottle of water, something outta your freezer, something outta your fridge, anything cold. And I would want you to either put it on your pulses points with your wrist or on your neck, on that carotid artery right there. Or you can do it on the back of your neck if you're out in public. So, let's just say that you're at the grocery store and all of a sudden, boom, it hits you and you may not even be having intrusive thoughts. It may just be, oh, I feel anxious. Oh, I’ve got that racing heart, all those things, you know, you can grab something cold, put it on your neck. And if someone says, what are you doing? Just say, oh, I got really hot or, oh, I got overheated. No, one's really going to question you on that. And that's not necessarily a lie. But at the same time that can take away any embarrassment that you may be feeling in the moment too.
Sarah: And then how would you talk to cause I was never felt like not that bill, my husband would've understood, but I just didn't really want to say I'm having intrusive thoughts. How can we communicate that to like friends and support?
Whitney: You could describe it as you're having racing thoughts. Because people I think are more familiar with the term racing thoughts. You can say, I'm having a lot of fears of falling down the stairs with my baby or being in a car accident, When I have to take my baby to the pediatrician or things that have not happened, but you're really scared that they're going to happen.
Sarah: And how can they support us? Can they help bring [14:01 inaudible]?
Whitney: Yeah. So, if you're a support person that is listening to this and someone comes to you saying they're having intrusive thoughts, racing thoughts, scary thoughts. Say, you know what? That is hard to go through. Validate the mom, validate her, and say, those are some scary thoughts. You're right. Right now, that's not a truth. So, let's figure out some ways and just talk it through with them. You know, kind of help, you know, be the breath that they need. Cause they could be so worked up that they can't get that deep breath.
Sarah: I’ve been there.
Whitney: So, you may have to be that person that is that deep breath for them. That's like, okay, you know what? Those are some scary thoughts. You're valid in feeling scared or worried about this, but I'm here to help you.
Sarah: Yeah. Love that.
Whitney: And again, intrusive thoughts, that doesn't mean you want that to happen. That's the thing. It's fear of it happening.
Sarah: And I remember it just pop, like it literally popped in my head. One day. And I'm going, whoa.
Whitney: Especially when it's like wee hours of the morning.
Sarah: Yep. That I remember too being in a parking lot, getting Will out and having just thoughts of was this, someone takes him immediately. And almost wanted to get back in the car, but I didn't. You know, I checked my surroundings.
Whitney: Appropriate.
Sarah: Took a couple of deep breaths. Did it still afraid. I did it still feeling a certain way. But I knew what it was.
Whitney: Absolutely. And so that, that's a really good point right there. That there is a difference between anxiety and anxious thoughts and a gut feeling/intuition.
Sarah: Yes. Now I’ve had that too. Mamas, we're blessed with that.
Whitney: Yeah. So, here's as a mama, not even as a therapist, as a mom, hear me out When I say this, there is a difference between the two, they can look similar. But when I say your intuition, I'm talking about that gut feeling that something isn't right. You may not even be able to put your finger on it, but you just feel like something is wrong. Whether you're in, you know, you're going to target, and you just have this uneasy feeling where you think, okay, somebody's following me, whatever. It may be that you're worried that your baby is sick, and you just keep thinking, I can't put my finger on it, but just something seems off something seems off. Whereas anxiety's going to be like, oh, but what if this happens? What if this happens? You're going to actually have more specific thoughts with anxiety.
Sarah: Versus just that like gut...
Whitney: Feeling that something is wrong.
Sarah: Yes.
Whitney: Like my baby having RSV last week for a couple of days, I kept telling my husband I'm like, she just feels warm. She just feels warm. Da, da, da. And I just could not shake that feeling that it was a sickness.
Sarah: Versus you spiraling with...
Whitney: it was one of those, I was like, something is off. I don't know what it is, but something is off. And so, we would check our temp and it would be normal. And I'm just like something doesn't add up to me right now. And so, then lo and behold, we had picked her up from daycare that afternoon they said, oh, she's been real fussy and kind of warm. And she was a tad warm. Now mind you, she still has her two-year molars to get, so I thought, well maybe she's teething her two-year Molars. But the time we got home, which it's a 10-minute drive to our daycare, we got her home, and she was on fire. She felt so hot. So went ahead, dosed her with some Motrin. And then she started going, started having like some respiratory symptoms. And I told my husband, I said, I knew, I felt like something was off for a reason. And so luckily, we did have a pediatric urgent care near us. I was able to take her. Unfortunately, it was RSV. But at least I knew what we were dealing with.
Sarah: Yeah. I mean, even when I was inpatient nursing with patients, I had a feeling about them sometimes. That there was something was off. Something was going to happen. And so, the same thing when we're as moms and the big different there between intrusive anxiety versus just you are trusting your gut, we never want you to us. Think we're saying don't trust that gut feeling. But if you are spiraling down yes. And it can, you know, the, what ifs, this gets worse.
Whitney: Like if I had, so for an example, again, I had that gut feeling. Something was off with my daughter. Couldn't put my finger on it, but I just really felt like something was off. So, if it had been intrusive thoughts, especially once we found out that it was RSV easily, I could have been like, well, what if she doesn't respiratory distress while we're all sleeping? What if she has a fever or a seizure? What if we end up in the hospital? Well, she ends up in PICU. And what if this, and what if she's on the ventilator and da, da, da, that's an intrusive thought. Whereas before it was this gut feeling of something's off, I can't put my finger on it, but something does not feel right to me. And then eventually, you know, we figured out what it was.
Sarah: I would say I have a pretty high record about trust my gut.
Whitney: It's there for a reason.
Sarah: Trust your guts, mamas. Like Whitney said, name it. If it's an intrusive thought, some anxiety, name it, call it for what it is.
Whitney: Deep breaths.
Sarah: Ground yourself.
Whitney: Yep. Bring yourself back to the present moment with some facts that everybody in that moment in time is safe.
Sarah: And go from there. And just know that I know my personal experience, that the more I got out of that four trimester that first 12 weeks, that depth of postpartum, the intrusive thoughts. I had it again Intrusive thoughts with James, our second. Yeah. But I knew what they were. And it gets better.
Whitney: It does.
Sarah: It gets better. So, we want to just encourage you if you're in the thick of those early days, or if this is hitting you later...
Whitney: At six or nine months postpartum.
Sarah: It's still can, it is treatable.
Whitney: For sure.
Sarah: We're here for you. We can work through this. So, continue sending us these wonderful questions. We'll be back next time with another, Hey Whitney session. Cause I think this is, this is so good. This is so good. So, we thank you guys. And we'll talk again.