Hey Whitney Holiday Edition!

Hey guys , welcome back to Preview Podcast . This is Sarah and Whitney and we are at our holidays . So this is hey Whitney Holiday Edition . Hey , hey , okay , you ready ? Yes , all right . Hey , whitney , my uncle and I have opposite views on politics of life . You'll always try to start to argue it in front of a crowd of room . Any tips on how to avoid this ?

I'm going to assume this is Aunt Brenda's husband .

I would say so Okay , yep .

So it's one of those . He is seeking it out . It's what I'm understanding .

by the way , this is written it appears he's seeking controversy , he's seeking polarization , he's seeking the drama .

He's trying to stir the pot .

He wants it .

They're talking and all of a sudden , we're in a heated discussion . He kind of does it intentionally .

It seems like he knows her triggers or hot topics and he will probably pounce over the cranberry sauce and let her try to see where she goes . Got it .

That's kind of what I was just , I guess , clarifying in that is , making sure that he is intentionally doing this . It's not just ooh , we had a conversation , we've got differing opinions . Boom , now we're in an argument .

It really seems like this is a pattern .

Okay . So the point with this is maybe jaded or not . Good as this may sound , avoid him . Make sure there is that physical space and distance .

Just because someone says something to you , you do not have to respond . That does not mean you're weak , you're actually stronger .

You're not taking that bait . You're picking your battles .

That's okay . We all got to pick our battles , and especially in already a stressful season , If you have kids , you're trying to get whatever it is that extra on you already . In general talk about religion politics , it's just sometimes best to let's not add to it when we've already have internal family issues .

I hate to say it . Our devices have made us so confrontational and confident with confrontation .

Oh my God , the keyboard warriors right Chances are Uncle Bob over here .

He probably really loves to get in the comments section on social media . He's got an opinion about everything . You know what . We can all have opinions . We can all have our opinions and our opinions may differ , but I can still be respectful . Exactly that's all we're asking for is respect . If he's not willing to give that , then you can leave .

I always say I really need to go grab a drink , would you like one ? I'm going to go back or to say hey , are you slipping ?

something in his drink . Sarah , I thought about it . No , the way you said that , I was like what's coming back in that drink ?

You never know what you got to do . Here it's a surprise . It's a surprise , but you're going to be . I think , knowing that this is a head , it's good . If you're listening to that , you're like , oh , I don't think I have to deal with that . Well , in case you ever do , you now know to set those boundaries and just say , hey , I want to enjoy this meal .

We can set up a day in time and we can talk about it and we can be civil about it . However , christmas or Thanksgiving or Hanukkah get together .

That's not when we're going to do that .

We're not going to do that and also I don't want my kids to witness that . No , and that's a thing I want my kids to see healthy conflicts , healthy conflict resolution and problem solving . I don't want them to see me and my uncle going head to head on something .

You fix the destable with the fork . You just don't need that . So I think that we're all going to probably encounter something .

Oh yeah , you see , we're already on edge during this season .

I mean road rage , right ? I mean we're all at our tipping point , so this is not surprising . But I think she'll be good . Set your boundaries and tell your uncle another day , another time . That's right , okay ? Hey , whitney , my mother-in-law is insisting that my son , soon to be born son , call her mom . No , ma'am , I wish I was kidding .

I'm a little floored just because and I understand this as your mother-in-law wants your son , who's not born yet , to call her mom , exactly .

And not you , mom .

Uh-huh , I would just tell her that you understand that she wants to have her own special grandma name .

But mom ain't it .

But , mom , is not it that you are mom , uh-huh , and that if she wants to be momo , sure , uh-huh , she can be grandmommy ? I mean anything like that . But Gigi , what ? Yeah , gigi , my mom is honey .

Glam mom , we got a nana .

Like just her being called mom is not okay . And here is one where I would actually get your husband to help you , because I did see this where it talks about if there's conflict on your side of the family , you go address it . If there's conflict on your husband's side of the family , he goes and addresses it .

Yeah , you know , the only thing I had experience with this was my mother-in-law had said my baby , how it's my baby .

Oh , that drives me .

And I said you're 40 something , six foot seven baby . I said he's okay , you can call him yeah , and she's she's like . What do you mean ? I said no , no , no , that's , that's not your baby , that's my baby .

Correct your baby is a grown man .

And she's like , oh , I didn't know you didn't like that . And I was like , no , I don't like that . It didn't rub me the right way , probably didn't handle it the right way , but it is what it is .

It is what it is .

So I think when it comes to your kid , you grew , you delivered , you had the right for what that child is around , what they call people who they see . And I think it even goes to this If she ain't going to respect you , then you have a right to say if you're not going to respect my wishes and boundaries here .

Oh , absolutely .

Because then it goes into it's a little thing , right . She may be like oh , it's just a name , but it's like , what's if your kid has an allergy later on , right ? And you're like I do not want her going to X because of this peanut butter allergy and I know , this is there . Correct and she takes the kid , or was it ?

Yeah , that's an terrible situation to be in .

Your husband needs to nip it .

Yeah , get his help , get his support , yeah and other families should be saying no , no no , and you can even say that you wouldn't want your mom to be doing that that way they understand that the playing field it's even .

Yeah , okay , no , all right on to a different one . Hey , Whitney , my baby's only two months old . I'm not ready for her to be passed around or , honestly , in large crowds . Fair , any tips to navigate this ? I mean , so we are in holidays and our babies that have just been born .

Cold flu RSV season .

RSV is , you know , nicu babies . Even if you're not NICU , I mean , especially if we're early , we're compromised medically . Germs , colds , you know it's Exactly , it's so much . So , basically , a common cold to us can kill a baby . Oh yeah , so you're not being extreme , you're not being whatever here . So what I did is I just didn't go .

I was about to say- .

I just didn't go and I said my pediatrician recommended we do it Reconvited . We do not be around large crowds in small spaces . You know , during COVID we all had a good excuse . You know we were isolated . But then even after that we still kind of hug onto that .

Yeah , and it depends on your comfort level , like how big or the family get together Is it you , your significant other ? And like your parents .

Yeah , is that a ? Crowd that you're comfortable in Versus like 30 people .

Exactly so . If it's a smaller , of like six or less people , that's when you set the rules of . You have to be well for two weeks . Do not kiss the baby . End of discussion . No wiggle room . Do not kiss my child . Do not kiss them on the face . Do not kiss them on the head . Don't kiss them on the back of the neck .

Don't kiss them on the hands , because what the babies do ? They put it in their mouth Exactly . Don't kiss their feet , no .

Because even if you have an older baby that can actually get foot to mouth you don't want that to happen . No , because they're still going to have a weaker immune system . Yup , so figure out , are you okay with a small get together ? Set the boundaries of no kissing . Set the boundaries of you have to be well for two weeks .

So say you have to go . I did this track with James .

Yeah .

You got to go , you don't want to go .

Yeah .

It's fine , baby wear .

Oh yes , Put that baby on you .

Yeah , you're going to get a carrier Because people think babies and their instinct gets to grab it's to touch .

Drives me nuts especially older generations .

They want to hold the baby past the baby . You know , I've ever had somebody tell me oh , we've passed all your cousins babies . I'm just like that . It's different . It's different , it's great , fine , but you're not my .

I'm a different person . I'm not down .

So I baby wore and it just was like I did have people be like are you gonna take him out ? I was like , no , no , I'm not , I'll have to . And if you're out in public , I will say this is a trick to if you keep on the car seat , you , baby wear .

I mean just like when you're pregnant They'll try to touch your belly and they don't know you . Thank God for covid in some ways , because that was one thing my first baby was not a covid baby . I don't remember vividly being at the grocery store and this old lady came and just started rubbing my belly , isn't it ?

I had patients do that when I was still bedside nursing practice and I remember one day I specifically stepped way back because I saw his hand and he's like I just need to fill your aura and I said no sir , no , sir , no , sir , and I or a and I .

I said you're not gonna touch me .

Yeah and if you do it again , that I remove myself from this situation .

But then wild , yeah . But then covid hit and no one touched my belly in public and then we had one of those little canopies that went everybody loves little canopies .

In the winter it's great . Now the summer babies can't over . Yeah , I was gonna say I wouldn't she was an August baby .

But if I'm in the store with the stroller , yeah , nobody would just come up and lift the canopy .

But if I didn't have the canopy , they would peak , they would get all up in there .

And so , if it is a temperature-controlled Canopies are a great way to kind of have that physical barrier for so many reasons .

I mean , you just cannot assume people have covid , since no , oh no , we can assume they don't have it Uh-huh . So don't feel bad . Set your boundaries , baby wear . If you have to go , say no , blame it on your pediatrician . If it's your husband's family , your boyfriend's family , your partner's family , have them say yeah , yeah we're not okay with this .

We will catch y'all in the new year or you know , again break it down into smaller groups .

Well , they start you well , whatever , yeah , I mean , I would just say no that , however you handle it , you ain't wrong , correct ? So , and if someone has an issue with that , that's all they have got you . Yes so do what's best for your baby , because no one else is gonna do as best for you and your baby but you , okay .

Did we write this ?

I did , apparently I could tell her about her childhood too ? She would like , but we want good . Well , that's another , that's a different episode .

So I feel this because I do have a hard time saying no , I am a people pleaser . I know that we live far . I mean I'm well aware of my faults with that Try to work on it . Yeah , working on it , it's . It's progress over perfection , right now . So , with this , ask yourself do you really have the capacity to do something ?

I can tell you how the thing is . I did last season . I was like I don't want to do .

Uh huh , I went . My husband was a church as a youth minister . I felt like they owned our calendar for the month of December . It was miserable .

Well , the schools own your calendar . You know , in the whole this whole month and between early dismissals , class parties plays all the things , all the things Work parties .

We get notice .

Yeah , no , no . So you know , feeling it's saying no feels really hard at first . It is hard Cause it's a guess , like how we're in grade yeah .

But again ask yourself do you want to do this ? Yeah , Do you have the capacity for it mentally and physically ? Think of it almost like a budget . Yeah , Okay , If you have a budget . Let's just say you're going to go buy a new car . Your budget is $25,000 . Let's not go looking in the 50,000s .

We have a conflict .

Exactly .

And that's okay , that's okay .

We can't be all things to all people .

No , I guess what . Everybody's going to have a conflict during this time . I'm sorry , but they are . And that's fine . And also your conflict can be your mental health .

So that's okay . It might make your anxiety go through the roof .

There are some situations they're the holidays that for sure make my anxiety go through the roof , oh yeah . I'm just like I don't want to do this no , so you don't have to . So the first thing is looking at yourself , looking at budget , your mental health , your time , your abilities , and then realize say no is okay .

Correct , yes .

So , if that need , if you need to reframe it and be like , oh , this , no , feels so negative , right , like you know , rest .

Well , and especially in the South , we're always taught to be there for others to serve others to do all the things but you and so no doesn't feel like something we can do . We don't feel empowered to say it and do it . But remind yourself again if you don't have the capacity for it , you are allowed to say no .

I mean , it really will . It's like you got to put your mask on before you help others .

Right .

So you're saying yes to you having a better you , your better for your kids , your spouse , your work , whatever Exactly so refraining , and it takes progress . The holidays are hard .

We all feel under pressure .

Okay , last one . Hey , whitney , holidays are always triggering to me . After our oldest was born on Christmas day in a traumatic fashion , I noticed the whole lead up . I fell off and no one understands it . No-transcript , I get this .

This is hard .

I still feel this way . I've been over about this , about my kids' birthdays , right . And then everybody's like oh , they're turning older , what you guys ?

do Exactly .

And I'm just like gosh , it's a really hard time for me .

It is yeah .

So I can't imagine for Christmas , whereas in your face , it's in your face and it's in your face for so long , people start playing Christmas music after Halloween .

Oh , that drives , me nuts .

Here comes the lights , here comes the Christmas , and this mom would have probably I mean , it's her best day , but worst day of her life . I've taken it at her or her child Probably almost died .

Yeah , it sounds like that the things were very imminent . And so to this mom , you really need to give yourself time to grieve Because that labor and delivery didn't go how you thought it would If there was near-death experiences . You do need to grieve that .

Let's go back to it , it is , this is a marketing , this is a consumer .

It's all about propaganda .

It's about money to us to feel expectations of perfection and for us to make the magic , we got to go big . Go all out , it's a marketing scheme that social media has taken to the hundredth factor .

So to this mom , I mean definitely during the month of December , but very specifically on Christmas Eve . Christmas day I know we have a million things going on here I am adding to your to-do list , but I really need you to get up like 10 to 20 minutes before you think your kids are going to get up .

Because I mean , I can tell you for first like serious , if you don't process it , it will constantly come up .

Absolutely , I processed it .

I did EMDR therapy for trauma . I mean I had traumatic worse and I still , you know your body doesn't forget . So like it's even like you feel more tense , you carry that and seek out professional help . Absolutely , I would say if you're not in therapy , get in therapy , schedule your therapist , lead it up right after .

And it felt very From people who can give you that empathy and validation Felt really shameful and dismissive and it wasn't their intentions . Yeah , no , it wasn't .

It just they couldn't relate , so you're going to have to go through this process .

Yeah , and it's not a pleasant one .

No .

But we can call it spade to spade . You can be prepared that it's not going to be pleasant . Take that expectation off yourself that you're going to sail through the holidays unaffected by this . Yeah , you , I think you should be affected . How could you not ?

Because if you're not , then I'm going to say there's something bigger at play that we haven't addressed .

Yeah .

Just know it too . But I think now I'm at a point where I know certain dates are going to be hard for me . My family knows , my friends know , and that's okay .

Yeah , exactly .

That's okay , like I've accepted it . I don't try to make it go away , right , but I've done the work and I never forget going through the trauma therapy . It felt like reliving the trauma because you do it in the process . So you almost I get the hesitation because you don't want to go through it again because it was so bad , exactly .

Or that Christmas doesn't look or feel like how you thought it would . Because , honestly , when we get older and we realize that we're the magic makers , sometimes we get a little jaded with Christmas and we don't enjoy it like we did when we were kids . Yeah , because we're the ones doing it .

So all these are valid and we're all going to go through something similar . So we hope this hey Whitney is insightful , helpful , keeps it in us questions . You guys can DM us on Instagram Our previous moms . You have a direct link to hey Whitney on every email and inside your dashboard .

So till next time , guys . Merry Christmas y'all .

Maternal mental health is as important as physical health . The previous Alliance podcast was created for and by moms dealing with post-partum depression in all its variables , like anxiety , anger and even apathy . Hosted by CEO founder Sarah Parkhurst and licensed clinical social worker Whitney Gay , each episode focused on specific issues relevant to pregnancy and postpartum .