¶ Navigating Grief While Parenting
Hey guys , welcome back to the Preview Alliance podcast . This is Sarah and Whitney , so today's topic little more heavy . But you know Whitney has shared in our past videos and podcast that grief has been unfortunate part of your journey .
It's been a big theme .
How many months ?
I mean since the first death , five months since hospice care and things like that were introduced to our family . That was August , so we're looking at about seven months , yeah .
I was going to say it's , and then , even before , that it's almost been like a year of just knowing things were coming to some extent than others . So , yeah , it brought up a good question of how do you grieve while still being ?
a mom , and how ? Because I do have my older daughter , who was six now , but she was five when all of this was happening . How do you explain grief and death to a five year old in a way that can semi comprehend it , but you're not traumatizing them or making them fearful of things ? And I do not call myself an expert in grief education for children .
I'm a mom winging it Right Now . It's ironic because grief has actually been one of the areas of therapy that I have almost found a niche , and part of that comes from being in labor and delivery for as long as I was and having to help moms grieve the loss of a child , whether it was miscarriage , a stillbirth , neonatal loss .
I had a friend whose boys had a rare genetic disorder and they died just a couple of weeks after they turned a year old , so things of that nature . So it's weird how grief was already almost there , like from a clinical and professional standpoint , and then 2022 was like oh , hold my cup , I got you , I got you .
We're really going to put you to the test here . So , that being said , as a therapist I had my own therapist that I saw regularly . Ish , I want to say maybe about once every two to three weeks , give or take a little bit , and so again , I'm a therapist . So yes , I am biased with this , but there's no shame in having a therapist as a therapist .
I had my own therapist that I really relied on during those times , because what else was I going to do , because my husband was grieving as well . So I guess we'll start from the beginning of it all , which was almost a year ago . It was either last April or May where , several years ago , my dad had been diagnosed with prostate cancer .
It was stage one , very slow moving . So he would go in every six months and have scans done and once a year would have a biopsy done .
He had had his yearly biopsy done and they said , okay , it's starting to spread more , we're going to have to do some type of an intervention , whether it be radiation , whether it be a prostatectomy , which is where they remove the prostate radiation seeds was an option , things like that .
So he was actually having to face doing some type of an intervention to stop the cancer , which obviously is unnerving , because I was 35 at the time . I'm 36 now and my dad was 64 . And I've always kind of viewed my dad as very invincible , very strong guy , like literally hit , watched him build my childhood house that we grew up in for several years .
So the thought of oh like this is actually posing a real risk at this time . That was a lot to take on . And about that same time , literally in that same phone call that my parents are telling me and my sister about this , my grandfather so my mom's dad had been diagnosed with a very aggressive form of prostate cancer .
Now , that being said , he was 92 years old at the time , so surgery was not a great option for him because of anesthesia Bye . Luckily for my grandfather , he was eligible for the immunotherapy .
So it was a shot that they would give him every about every two to three months , and essentially the goal of that was to stop the growth or the spread of the cancer . And at 92 years old , that's really our best case scenario , right ? And so with that I was like , okay , well , you know , that's not terrible , but again , keeping into perspective , he's 92 .
Yeah .
And so I thought , okay , well , we've got about a year left with Poppy . That was kind of my mentality was it would be this spring . So this current timeframe and years ago I don't even remember how long ago it was my husband's stepdad , whom my youngest daughter is actually named , after he was diagnosed with Parkinson's several years ago .
We're talking like very much pre COVID . I mean , probably seven or eight years ago he got diagnosed with Parkinson's .
Well , around I want to say it was baby June of last year we went and visited them and I started noticing his tremors were a lot more severe , a lot more noticeable and I thought , okay , well , his Parkinson's is really starting to advance at this time .
And we actually went out to eat for his birthday in late July and he was starting to use a cane and I thought , okay , like we can see this decline , but mentally , like he was still there and you think , okay , he's in his late seventies using a cane , but this probably is not imminent . Again , in my head I thought we got a couple of years .
Yeah .
So , mind you , we have , like my dad's advancing diagnosis a pretty significant diagnosis for my grandfather , and then seeing my father-in-law's Parkinson's advance . We're having a lot of anticipatory grief with this .
So , in August of 2022 , my husband's stepdad was placed into hospice care , not because they thought his death was imminent , but so my mother-in-law could have more resources . Because , in this goes back to my case management days hospice care covers equipment . You don't have to pay out of pocket for that stuff .
Hospice covers a lot more than traditional Home health .
And that was the purpose of it . That's why the neurologist was like we're writing for hospice , but keep in mind , we don't believe that he has a six month prognosis .
It's just unfortunate that you have to play these games to work this this time .
But at the same time , people like him Need it . I mean , yes , well , it's appropriate . I'm just going to say that he was also a veteran , so I'm like he has given so much like , yes , let's , let's do what we got to do , kind of thing .
So about the time , though , that he was placed into hospice , my mom started noticing that my grandfather started just seeming to get weaker , being very clumsy , falling frequently . Now , mind you , he also had really poor vision he had . His vision has been getting worse for many , many years . We've known that for quite some time .
So we were like , is this a vision issue ? What's up with this ?
Okay , so literally the same day that my dad went in for his surgery for his prostate cancer , my aunt took my grandfather to the doctor , because back in the spring he had shingles , and they just kept thinking , oh , they're getting infected , they're getting infected Finally got around to getting referred to a dermatologist .
Don't ask me why it took that long , I don't know . It's a whole work or more , where the medical social worker and may have to kind of sit back a little bit , because I was fit to be tied Because so many things were not done the way that I thought they should have been done and the way that Birmingham hospitals and doctors would have done things .
So , in that appointment with the dermatologist . They diagnosed him with squamous cell carcinoma , which is a form of skin cancer , and it was fairly advanced . So they sent him for a PET scan .
The PET scan actually showed that the squamous cell had not infiltrated his organs or bones yet and they were going to put him on a medication to kind of again slow the progression of it . Blah , blah , blah .
But in that PET scan they found pneumonia in the lower lobes of his lungs and I thought , well , that can explain this fatigue , that can explain , honestly , the clumsiness . Yeah , because again , pneumonia brings so much fatigue , especially with older population . Absolutely , nominia is no joke with a healthy person , but you're talking a 92 year old man .
It's a lot , it's a lot . And he had also started to have some hallucinations . But he was aware of his hallucinations .
Yeah .
Like he told my mom one time he goes well , there's my old cat over there , and he goes , and I know she's not here , but I see her . And my mom was like well , do you want me to do anything ?
He goes , no , because I know she's not actually in here , but I'm seeing her , so you're experiencing throughout this this , I mean , it was a process , oh , months upon months , and you are knowing what's coming .
Yes , and you're with your background , I was going to say being in medical social work , I could see the writing on the wall and that was a very hard place to be because you so you said anticipated grief .
Yes , so we start grieving before we've lost that person .
Oh , for months upon months , absolutely so again , my dad had had surgery that day . The dermatologist diagnosed my grandfather with the squamous cell carcinoma and we probably got the results . Well , no , I'm a liar . I'm a liar . So that was September 12th . I remember that date vividly .
It was probably about a week after that he got his PET scan because , that was a whole fight and I was about to call in favors to the hospital I used to work for and burping him to get him there , because the town that they lived in just significantly dropped the ball and it should not have taken that long .
Do you think through this ? When you're dealing with this grief , you're trying to control things , to grieve that you don't even know Grieve .
I think it was more of a preventative and just knowing how much my grandfather loved us and how hard he worked for us , I thought why aren't they working that hard for him ? Do they not understand he deserves gold yeah , like he deserves the gold standard care .
And you all are dropping the ball Like I was infuriated and during this whole entire time you were still being a wife .
Oh yeah , You're still being a mom to two and working , and working , Doing all the things . Now your oldest is knowing things are going on .
Yes , she , more so , was aware of my father-in-law because that is her grandfather , so she was aware that things were not good with him , and so my husband started taking them up there to visit , which they only lived up like an hour away from us .
Yeah .
He started taking her up there more frequently . Yeah , and I say her both of my children kind of thing , because I started kind of going to my family to try and do . We were kind of having to just divide and conquer , essentially .
And it happens that way , I feel like with grief is , it's not just one grief . I feel like you get hit , like you keep getting hit .
Oh , if that ain't the truth and I think that's what people with grief is like .
Let's even practice so grief and grieving , so grief , right is emotional state that like knocks you off right . It's that grief , like you feel it , like you , it's the gut punch , like you're , just like I keep , I physically Uh-huh , like the crying , the feeling like I'm going to throw up , just like you can't explain it right . But then the grieving , yeah .
The grieving to me was more of like the sobbing , the crying , the emotions of it all , and it's longer .
Yes .
Oh , I'm still grieving .
So grieving is a process , Grief is . Is that like I ?
hate to say it , it never goes away . It never fully goes away , because I had a grandmother that died seven years ago and most of the time I can talk about her and not cry , but then sometimes but , there are times , especially on the anniversary of her death , I'll kind of get a little teary out and I'm like okay , and I breathe through it .
You know , I acknowledge what I'm feeling .
I read something because the miscarry , you know , my miscarriage is my greatest grief that I carry with Ava for our first one . And I read something because I thought , you know , like you said , I feel the same way sometimes . It's like there's certain things that really hurt me . Yes , and I was reading about that . I was like , why is this ?
You know , because you've taught me to start being curious about things .
Let's dig a little .
Let's dig right . Yeah , you're experiencing that new or that milestone without that person for that first time . Correct ? So that grief hits you ? Yes , because it's that loss of that time with that person in that event .
And then you have things like birthdays and holidays and things like that that come up that sometimes just slap you across the face and you're like , oh well , there's my grief today . Yeah , didn't see that coming
¶ Family's Health Journey Challenges and Hardships
. Yeah , so in September , my grandfather two weeks after that dermatology appointment , he got admitted to the hospital for IV antibiotics . So at this point we're like early October that's where we're at and so he got admitted to the hospital for IV antibiotics to try and treat the pneumonia . Finally somebody is getting antibiotics on board .
I don't know why it's taken this long , but finally we're actually doing the things that we should be doing .
And so , after being in the hospital , he was admitted to a rehab facility , and when I say rehab , not substance abuse , I'm talking like physical rehabilitation , like a pretty intensive , like inpatient PT , and that's typical with , especially like people like him physically they medically could be discharged from the hospital , but like they cannot go back to normal life .
He lost a lot of muscle they're weak , so a lot of atrophy there and then to pneumonia , will weaken you pretty significantly . The whole time , though , that he was in the hospital and then that he was at rehab , he continued to have hallucinations , but he was just so aware of them .
So you , though , are seeing this person . That's not him .
No , because the last time I saw him well , I will say that like post that cancer diagnosis , yes , but not hallucinating was 4th of July and he was still driving .
And so it was a quick , quick deterioration . I mean really very , very rapid , so you didn't even have that time to be , it just was now he was this person in this state .
And I will never forget it was a Friday because it was like a teacher work day at school , so my oldest was not in kindergarten that day , and so me and well backstory my husband's parents are divorced , so I was with my in-laws but we're talking like his dad and then stepmom , I was with them at the zoo with her that day and we were driving home and my
mom had text me and she said we've made a very hard decision about Poppy today and I'm going to get emotional . I am so sorry . No , she said we have chosen to do hospice for him and I can't say that it surprised me . Okay , it still hurts .
It still hurts and it hurts now and we're in , we're in March , but still so I was like well , I , I understand that it's hard , but I also think that it is appropriate . And going back to medical social worker , having seen this , having set up hospice for patients before , you knew , I knew , and it was appropriate . So that was on a Friday .
They brought Poppy home on a Monday . Well , bless it . My poor mom caught COVID from the rehab facility that he was in .
That was just . I remember that text and I was like you have to be kidding me , Whitney .
Yeah , I mean , it was one of those . Every time I texted Sarah , I was like so , are you ready ? Buckle up , friend , it just Buckle up . I just think you probably dreaded my texture , like what a bomb is she dropping ? No , no .
I just felt like I was like I can't stop this for her and I just kept feeling so , just like I wanted it to be better for you and it kept getting worse , uh-huh .
But I also thought like there were so many like things that , like I don't say , distracted you from the like , the loss in the mid but it was just like you were dealing with crisis after crisis after crisis it was .
I mean , I couldn't get my head above water , I couldn't fully process one thing after another We've spoken about this in a prior episode where I was really having to fight for an ADD eval for my oldest daughter , and so I was going through kind of those trenches , and then we throw this in the mix and then you've got my dad's diagnosis , which I will say his
surgery was very successful but you didn't know that , but we didn't know it at the time . So we're still dealing with that . And then you've got my father-in-law I should say like my stepfather-in-law , but you know so that Monday that they bring Poppy home from hospice , my mom tested positive for COVID and she felt horrible .
It was not one of those milder asymptomatic cases . She got hit with it , she got hit hard with it . And then , of course , a few days later , my dad gets it . Because how , how do you avoid that ? You can't , yeah , you can't . And my dad had been at the rehab facility too .
So we can say that he caught it from my mom , but he could have gotten it at the rehab facility as well . And so Poppy was home on hospice on a Monday . And so my mom because y'all y'all are going to think my family's bananas over here so her sister , my aunt , had had a kidney transplant about two years ago , so she's super immunocompromised .
So , even though the CDC had changed quarantine guidelines , my mom stuck to the 10 days because of my aunt . So I mean , and I get it Like , mom did what she thought was the right thing to do for everybody and that's all you can do with what you've got in that moment
¶ Explaining Death and Grief to Children
. And so that Sunday , october 16th , is when I went with my girls to go see him , knowing that he was not responsive and knowing , okay , this is the last time I'm going to see him alive . So how did ?
you do that as Whitney , and then you're doing that as mom .
So with my oldest . I told her . I said baby Poppy is not going to be like . You know him . I said he's going to be in what I told her was a doctor bed . For some reason that just stuck with her better than a hospital bed .
And I was like he's not going to be able to play with you , he's not going to be able to talk to you like he's not doing well . And I told her that he had a sickness and he had gone to the doctors but the medicine just wasn't strong enough . That was really the best way I knew to explain it to her .
And I told her that when he died he would go to heaven and that we wouldn't see him again after he died . So as best I thought I could explain death to a five year old without being traumatic about it , which everything I've read about is to just be honest .
Oh yeah , and don't you know , get it to a point Now you're two and a half year old , or two year old at that point .
My new , two year old there . It was over her head .
It was that and it's just then .
they don't understand that situation they can't expect them to .
So how did you do ?
you in that moment , because you're grieving too , I was grieving , and so thankfully because , again , my parents are still in quarantine , so it's not like they can play with my kids while I go see Poppy my sister came down and so she played with the girls while I went and saw Poppy .
Did what your moment .
Yes , did what I needed to do with him and then , bless it , my oldest , she's so empathetic . So I came back out all the things and she was insistent that she go see Poppy and I said , well , baby , you need to know he's not going to look like how you think he looks . And she's like it's okay , mommy , it's okay .
So I took her in there and she really blew me away because she just was very gentle . She touched his hand , she asked questions about the nasal cannula oxygen , about the hospital bed . She was curious . She was curious , but very appropriate , I mean you know , she was very gentle , she was not rambunctious .
My two year old , on the other hand , I mean , she was just like a little tornado . She's everywhere .
And it's hard because she's too . I'm glad you had that moment , because if you , wouldn't , have had that moment , regrets . I would have had a lot of regrets , and then you're trying to navigate the two year old .
Yes , I mean my sister was there , and then my uncle was there too .
He kind of taken the shift with my grandfather that day , so my aunt could go home and get some rest , and that's important part is to do what you need to do for that childcare , to have that moment , oh yeah , and if you never get the moment to say goodbye because it's not a poppy situation you still need that moment .
I had that moment coming up in a little bit , if it's the funeral , if it's the visitation , if that's just you crying in your car , take your moment away from your child . You need it . You need it . That's , it's okay .
Well , and I'm just going to be honest , like we've had a portable DVD player in our car for years for my oldest one , and then we've always reserved it for like long car rides and that kind of stuff , I'm telling you , sister friend watched Paw Patrol , but I know she watched a cartoon or something on the way home so that I could process seeing poppy for the
last time , because I knew it would be . So that next day , that Monday , my mom finally got out of quarantine and so she went and saw him and all that kind of stuff .
And then that Tuesday morning I was taking the girls to school like normal and my daughter said something that was so interesting to me , and she goes well , mommy , I know what Poppy is dying . I said , well , why is that baby ? And she goes well , cause he wants to go be a burden flying the sky Now , mind you , huge Auburn football fan .
So I thought she was going to say he was the eagle , and so I said , well , what kind of a bird is he ? And she goes . I read bird , cause they're the strongest and the best . I had no idea that Cardinals have the meaning that they do as far as a visitor from heaven . So I texted my mom and I said hey , did Poppy die overnight ?
Because Sydney just told me something that just really makes me think he didn't . She goes . No , he's about the same . And I was like , interesting , no lie . Two hours later to the minute he passed away and I will say I'm thankful for hospice care because they did make him comfortable .
He was in a lot of pain from the squamous cell carcinoma , and so they did a very good job of keeping him as comfortable as they possibly could have . And so a few days later we did the funeral , which ironically was the day before what would have been his 93rd birthday .
And so I also had to explain to my older daughter what a casket is and that Poppy was in there . And bless my two year old , when I was carrying around on my hip , she would point at Poppy and go nine night , poppy , nine night .
It's so hard , whitney , like it's just so hard .
And then , well , when we were at his house , when he was in hospice care , when we were about to leave again , had her up on my hip to go out to the car and I told the girls I was like , well , we need to go , you know , wave by to Poppy and Sammy looked at Poppy , she goes up . I want up Poppy , oh God , because he loved to play with her .
So he died October 18th . And , mind you , this whole time my husband's stepped out , is still in hospice care . His Parkinson's is advancing very , very rapidly . He died November 19th , so a month and a day later . So again kind of thrown into the trenches of grief . It's like it was perpetual grief .
Not to mention that the week after literally we got home from the funeral from Poppy and Sydney popped a fever and both girls were sick that whole week of his adenovirus and then stripped throat for my youngest one . So that was fun , so throwing the mommy into it and then , because the reality is is now your mom .
Mom , don't stop .
No , mommy , don't stop . The world At the same point .
grief is not going to be stopping and grieving is not stopping , and then we have my husband's grief too , because he's losing a stepdad . But then you have this whole thing . I mean , I just felt like there was trains just coming out .
Oh they were . It was not a good time in my life , and I can say that , and I'm just calling it for what it is . And so my husband's stepdad had chosen to be cremated . So then that's a whole other conversation you had . It was a yes , that was challenging because he died right before Thanksgiving week and so they had already decided on cremation beforehand .
But that gave my mother a lot of the opportunity to not have to go to a funeral the week of Thanksgiving . So they had his funeral on December 1st .
Well , we took my oldest one with me to that one because daycare was open , and so my youngest went to daycare like normal , just because that made our life easier , and I don't think that's bad , I think that's fine , it's OK . For a two-year-old , that was appropriate . That is Now my five-year-old . I gave her the choice .
Yeah , I asked her if she wanted to go with us or if she wanted to do school , because my mom did pick up my youngest . I said , and then , honey , can come get you this afternoon when you're done with kindergarten . And she's like no , I want to go with you . And I said OK .
And so we were there at the funeral and they had chosen a gray marble container for my father-in-law and she said well , mommy , where's Popo ? And I said , well , you see that gray box over there . And she goes , yes , and I said that's right . And she goes no , mommy , he's too tall for that . And I'm like accurate ?
Yes , I can't .
¶ Unexpected Grief and Difficult Conversations
It's like when there's things you have to like explain , but you're like , how do I explain ?
And I'm just going to be real . I just said , well , that's a good point , and I just went on because I was not about to have a conversation with my five-year-old about cremation and that process .
But it's like those things that you don't think you're going to have to answer while you're grieving at a funeral , but when you're a mom , yeah .
Nobody told me I was going to have to have that conversation with a five-year-old . That's very curious and very aware of things going on in life .
I mean , that's hard to explain and that's not someone that they know and love and you know and love , correct .
And then here it is , in that moment , and so then that following Saturday , december 3rd , we went up to my other grandfather , so my dad's dad . We went up to his house for that side of the family's Thanksgiving . So we were there . It was great , wonderful , all the things .
And I had told that grandfather I said we really want to commit to seeing you maybe once a month , once every six weeks , things like that , because with COVID and all the things , like you just didn't get to see people , we just didn't get to . And again , he was elderly , he was 90 . And we didn't want to put , and I worked in the hospital too .
For so much it's been a weird period of our lives . It has been , and now we're coming out and it's like you're right , we do need , we're trying to make more efforts for our families , especially older generations , well and especially just , and everything you've just been through Exactly . You knew how quickly things could turn . Things can change .
And so that was just something that I was aware of , and so it was . I'll never forget . It was December 22nd and I could see my mom calling me on my phone right before I pulled a client back to my office and I thought , oh , she's just calling me for Christmas Eve plans . So I let her get a voice phone .
Because I was pulling a client back , I was like I'll call mom on lunch , Not a big deal , and because I do have a Fitbit , she immediately texted me and said you need to call me . And I was like oh and doesn't that just ?
make everybody just sink in like , oh , I wanted to throw up .
But here I am starting a session with a client . I can't be like time out . Let me see what this is about . So I still have to maintain my professionalism , all the while dealing with anxiety because something is wrong .
Because if it were about Christmas plans , my mom would have just said , hey , give me a call and you get a chance and we'll talk about Christmas .
And at this point you were just like what else is going to happen ? I was like you knew , like I knew .
Something was wrong . I didn't know what it was , and so , even before that hour was up , my mom called me back again , and now I'm really starting to panic and I'm trying to hide it .
Because you're still doing your job . Yeah .
I'm still in a session and I'm trying to hide my panic from my client , because it's not appropriate for me to put my feelings onto a client . We have to maintain those ethical boundaries .
And so immediately I think I wrapped that session up like five minutes early and so I called mom back and she answered and I immediately just said what's wrong and my other grandfather had died in his sleep .
Very unexpectedly . Whenever you text me that I'm like you have to be kidding .
And it was just bizarre because a few days after we had done our Thanksgiving get together , my dad had taken my grandfather to the cardiologist . He was a diet control diabetic , not overweight , none of that .
He had had a heart procedure a few years ago for his atrial fibrillation , but it was well managed , Very well managed , and so they took him to the doctor . They adjusted some of his meds for his lasex , things like that , but overall the doctor was like you've got a great heart for a 90-year-old , Like you're really doing well .
It wasn't . This one was very like . It wasn't the hospital , it wasn't hospice .
It wasn't something new coming . This was very unexpected , I thought I had at least a year to two years with pop Like . His death was semi on my radar because he was 90 . But it wasn't it wasn't to the level of the past two no , no , no . I did not think it was imminent by any means . And you talked about grief and kind of that physical reaction .
My mom told me that and I just started going no , no , no , this is no . And she goes . I'm so sorry and I said no yeah that did not happen .
And that's a lot of people's reaction .
It was a very visceral reaction . You just like your body screaming no , oh yeah , and so I immediately went into denial , avoidance , whatever you want to call it . And I remember feeling so weak in my knees I didn't like fall or anything , I just felt weak in my knees .
And so I mean , and I still had sessions that morning , like I had another client in the waiting room so I couldn't just like cancel , like hey , I know you're sitting there ready for your session , but I just got a terrible phone call Can't see you today . Like I couldn't do that .
So I had to kind of get myself together for a couple of more sessions and then when it was finally my lunch break , I told our secretary . I said I I can't do the rest of today , I'm just not there . And , mind you , my husband and my older daughter they were already on Christmas break , I remember- that .
And I was going to meet them for lunch at Chick-fil-A that morning and I walked in and I felt like a hollow shell of a person at this point and I'm sure I looked pale , all the things cause .
I looked at my husband and he immediately read back my facial expression of something is wrong and I just remember kind of falling apart in the booth at Chick-fil-A , sobbing , can't get a word out , and he's like what is wrong ? And I'm gasping between words and he's like Whitney , I can't understand you , what is wrong ?
And I got it out and I just fell apart in Chick-fil-A and that's okay , yeah , that's okay .
I mean it has been a perpetual season of grief , but then we go into okay , now we have Christmas without him , that we just did not see coming , and you had to do all and like let's not forget you , your mom you're still doing all Christmas oh yeah , we're still still doing all the things you still made .
the kids have the best holiday .
Well , and then you think about it too . My older daughter was there while I'm falling apart and she's like mommy , mommy , what wrong , why are you crying , mommy ? So I had to tell her oh what , third death in two months , baby girl . So I had to explain that to her .
And then , when I think it's good , whitney , that you you had to get it out .
No , granted , I did not tell her that he died in his sleep , because I have read before that that can make kids scared to go to sleep .
So I was like , well , that's not a detail that she had to know .
No , it isn't . But then you know , we went to the funeral and that was during the week . I was like I'm going to get my two year old went to daycare because that was just the best option for everybody .
That's actually one of the things I was reading about , like utilize your resources . Utilize resources . Ask for help .
If you're already paying for daycare and it can cover you when you have a toddler that won't sit still , that could be , you know , tantrum-y , like all these things when you're trying to grieve and deal with what you're dealing with .
Don't make it harder on yourself .
Correct and so we were there and it was you know how they do kind of like the final call I hate to say it up to the casket so family can say their goodbyes . I went up there and my daughter was next to me and I said , well , do you have any questions ? And she goes , is he hurting ? And I said no , baby's not hurting .
And I said you know , you can touch his shoulder or his arm if it makes you feel any better . That backfired on me because she did not touch his arm or head . She like slapped her hand on his forehead like she's taking her temperature .
Well , but then again it's well . She knows she's been moms and grieving and in these situations , oh yeah .
It was one of those , like you , you would have thought she was checking for a fever . And then she goes mommy , why is he cold ? See , yeah , and thankfully it was a very cold day in Alabama that day . And I said you know what baby , someone opened that front door and he just got cold from that . And she accepted that answer .
And I just let her accept that answer because at five years old , that is the best .
There's no rule book , Whitney , of how to respond and you don't know what your kids want you to say we don't know what our kids are going to say in a normal day , let alone in like a grief funeral situation .
The third one in two months , much less . And so that was that . And so you know we then we did the graveside and blah , blah , blah , all those things . Even now , whenever I've taken Sydney to like a dentist appointment or a doctor appointment or things like that , I'm like , okay , do you have any questions about , like , what we're doing ?
Do you have any questions about , like , what we're going to do at the pediatrician or whatever she goes ? Yeah , I've got questions . I'm like , well , what is a baby ? And then she'll ask me questions about Poppy and Pawpaw and pop and I'm like , yay , and it hurts you still , I know , oh , it does .
Because I mean this past week has been just another wave of grief where we hit the five month anniversary of Poppy dying , the four month one of my father-in-law dying , and then yesterday , the 22nd , was the three month anniversary of pop dying , plus Poppy's house went on the market and then it was pop's birthday .
And I was like yay , thanks .
Like this is fabulous , love it . So I say that to say grief is a continuum . We're never fully done grieving . We learn how to adapt with it .
You learn life with grief .
You do . I mean , there was a really good diagram that I saw on Instagram that said okay , this square is you , grape , is this massive black circle ? And throughout the diagram , the square gets bigger , so it makes it look like the circle gets smaller .
But it's still there .
But we learned to . It's still there , but we learned to adapt and work around it and I feel like that's a great depiction of grief . But then too , I mean I'm a mom winging it and just know you don't have to go into a lot of details with your kids when it comes to grief , because these were all three men that my daughter knew in her life .
She had good relationships with them . She saw my parents and my mother-in-law have relationships with them .
She saw everybody breathing yes .
She saw everybody grieving , but she also saw okay , these are people we're connected to , this isn't some like 15th removed cousin that lives across the nation . This was immediate .
These were close .
These were very , very close things . And you know , bless her , she has assigned everybody a color of a bird , because that's just what she does .
That's a grieving thing for her , and that's fine , and it's remembrance .
Well , and now it's one of those like if we ever see a red bird or a blue bird or a humming bird , she's like oh well , there they are . So she sees that and it's something that can bring us comfort to as adults .
Well , I know , you know , I've always said that Ava shows herself to me .
Yes , she's a butterfly . She's a yellow butterfly , that's right , she sure is . And now I think you have your birds . That's right , we have our birds .
Well , whitney , I know it's not easy to talk about this , and I think it's important because I think we all that's something no one's going to get away from grief .
And nobody's immune from life . So , I say that to my clients a lot Like nobody is immune from life . We can't bubble ourselves from life , so cut yourself slack . When life does hit you and you find yourself crying , you find yourself angry .
You find yourself , you start to get bird .
Yeah , you find yourself questioning the whys of it all . I would be lying if I said I hadn't questioned . Well , why did Pop have to die within two months , in a month of these other deaths ? Like that seems unnecessary .
A work through your emotions . As Whitney said , she's open , she has a therapist , she works through it , supports us and good friends . And again , the biggest thing is like there's no rule book , there's no right or wrong . When your mom and mommy in grief , you're just going to have to go through it .
And , like I said , I was winging it and we all are , especially when you have kids that young . So hard . So , mommas , do the best that you can .
Well , I may be biased and you're not alone .
Again , not alone , but I'm not hopeful at all .
And your vulnerability will help . It will help .
So , and here's one thing if you do seek out a therapist for your grief journey , ask them about the empty chair modality . It's a fabulous modality for grief .
Tell the listeners let's leave on that tip . Give them that .
So empty chair is when you are in the office with your therapist and there's a chair that nobody's actually in , but you visualize You're a loved one there and you just tell them everything that is on your heart and on your mind .
I love that .
With no boundaries .
I love that and I think you could do that , and you're driving your car oh yes , you could save it as your passenger Cause you're like well , what if I'm not in therapy ? That's okay . Talk to that person and let that out , and I think we all need that sometimes .
Oh , absolutely .
Well , thank you , whitney .
You're welcome .
I think you're incredible . I hate you went through it , but you're going to help a lot of women .
Maybe we're on the other side of it Fingers crossed .
Knock on one I was about to say it .
I hope I didn't jinx it .
Okay , guys , we will be back next week .
Alright , see ya .
¶ Maternal Mental Health Support Podcast
Maternal mental health is as important as physical health . The Previous Alliance podcast was created for and by moms dealing with postpartum depression in all its variables , like anxiety , anger and even apathy . Hosted by CEO founder Sarah Parker's and licensed clinical social worker Whitney Gaye , each episode focuses on specific issues relevant to pregnancy and postpartum .
Join us and hear how other moms have overcome mental health challenges , as well as access tips and suggestions on dealing with your own challenges as moms . You can also browse our podcast library and listen to previous episodes at any time . Please know you're not alone on this journey . We're here to help .