Welcome to Prep and Play, where we have conversations about safer sexual pleasure. This podcast is dedicated to empowering listeners through open, honest discussions surrounding keeping our minds, bodies, and spirits healthy while being sexually active. My name is Danielle, and today we will be continuing the conversation we started on our last episode. So let's jump right back in where we left off. All right. So moving forward,
this one I would love to hear a lot about. So vetting and choosing a partner and building trust. We talked a lot about negotiation and stuff like that in the last segment, but what does vetting mean? Vetting is a process of getting to know someone's capabilities, boundaries, ethics, experiences, especially where power or risk is involved. And the term vetting is not just used in the BDSM lifestyle. Vetting can be used for people who you want to bring into a vanilla organization.
Like who are you? what do you want, what are your terms? Asking people the questions is just a get to know you process. And when you want an Aveda partner for a scene, especially if you don't know this person like me. I like to ask people about them. Like if I see that they're a mutual friend of yours on Fat Life, Fat Life is like Facebook for kinksters. That's the best way I can describe Fat Life. So you're gonna ask about, okay, your experience level, your
specialties, your safety practices. And it's important to ask those questions because some people have answers that's a red flag because there are some people who can be bad dominants and there are some people who can be bad submissives. So asking them about their education, you know, kink circles are you in? What groups are you hanging around? Asking those questions, because if somebody says, well, I've never been, I've been in the lifestyle 10 years, but you ask about
the events going around. Now, I'm not gonna say there are some people who are quiet practices of, practices of kink, but if you're saying that you've been in this lifestyle for 20 years, and where we live at is small, so. And you mean nobody know who you are? And you say you been a nobody, nobody. And there's a lot of elders in this who've been in the lifestyle longer than a lot of us have been alive. So, and you saying none of them know you, you've never been to any public event?
Why? So that's like something I'll question. Like why aren't you being invited to these events? Why aren't you going to these events? Cause they all have doms who just be so eager. I said that they're not doms, they're just. people who want to hit another person and you don't want to do the safety. They don't know anything about safety or they don't know how to properly use their tools. They're tying wrong. They're doing things
very sloppily. So if they can't give you clear and concise answers, I personally wouldn't play with them if they don't have enough education. Cause I've seen thousands upon thousands of dollars. I fly to a con out of state at least twice a year. I haven't been able to go this year because of my new job, but I'll fly to a education con out of state. I'm always asking questions. I'm the one who, I go to different organizations that are based on teaching, and I ask them, I
love to ask questions. I went to an event where I got to learn about fire flogging, because the group I'm with is very hands -on, so they will teach you. About they'll teach you like you want to do this because one person was like, okay, come get this. I'm like no I'm scared. He's like, get this girl. And I'm like, okay, cause he's trying to teach me how to fly a flog. And I'm like, I'm scared I'm gonna set my husband on fire. So I'm scared to get the flog. He's like,
get it. Like they're very hands on teaching. So I'm lucky that I'm surrounded by a community who's teaching me a lot. That's why the vetting goes in because I had to be vetted into this community. So I take it very seriously because they welcomed me into their community. I don't want to just bring any old body in with me cause then they gonna look at you, because you are an extension of the people you bring in, and
that's with anything. So they're like, you brought this person in here, they're being rude, they're being intrusive, so that is why it's important to get to know people before you bring them into your space. And you know, you can have the conversations, like I said, the community connections, expectations, ask about limits, and if a submissive tells you they do not have a limit, that is a red flag.
That is a big red flag when people like I'm down for anything usually when somebody say I'm down for anything I'm like, okay So let me stab you cross your back and pour a line of salt in it since you down for anything You know, I know that's kind of extreme. But since you're down for anything You're down for that. Yeah, you mentioned there were bad doms who portray a level of experience that they don't have. There are also bad submissives who portray a level of openness
that they do not have. Yeah, because and then also don't think because you see somebody and there's a lot of submissives who want to play monkey see monkey do because they'll see someone else doing something. They'll think that, OK, I can do it, too, because like me and one of my friends, she does wax on me a lot because I love wax. And she does my, now when it comes to doing wax, you're supposed to do wax away from the skin, because the further you are, the
cooler it is. But because I'm a heavy bottom and we've played together several times, she knows that she can do the wax like half an inch to an inch away from my skin and I'm fine. But somebody else may see her doing that to me and
it's like, oh, I wanna do that. and they'll go tell somebody I want to do wax and I love it close to the skin and the next thing you know they have a burn on their back because they didn't assess the risk they just wanted to do something they saw somebody else to do and they'll get into things such as sub frenzy and sub frenzies when they just got to do everything everywhere all at once that happened to me like when I first went to a con this is when I was still more trying
to find I thought I was a submissive And I just wanted to do everything. I got kind of frenzied because I was like, I'm going to do this with this person. I'm going to do this with that person. I'm going to do this with this person. And I was very frenzied because it was so much to do. so many things to experience, so you have to
watch out. And you know, sub -frenzy is not necessarily, I would call that a yellow flag, because that's something you need to talk about to them and tell them, you know, calm down, because there's nothing wrong with teaching somebody who doesn't know anything. There's nothing wrong with you as an experienced person being somebody's introduction into this lifestyle, but making sure you are
a safe introduction. It's very easy to hurt somebody and end up in the ER with a less than still a So, making sure you're properly educated and asking questions. And also, you know, ask people about their SCI sexual health status. Now, that's a question. It's kind of, it's one of those things where, and I know we're, you know, this is AS, so we're all about, you know, safety and getting
tested. But with some people, it's kind of like one of those things where people be like, I don't owe you my status if... we're not having sex. So there are some people who feel that way because they're like, if there's not a risk of sexual intercourse, they feel like they don't have to tell the status me. I'm all about being open with somebody and telling them, you know, this is it, this tell people their status, but some people don't, so that's something you have to
really decide among you. Like, if you wanna play with a bottom who tells you, okay, I don't need to tell you my status because we're just playing, but then you draw blood and you don't know they're HIV positive or something, you don't know how to properly clean it up, that could, you know. And that's a really good point. We mentioned talking about STI and sexual health status in conversations before sex. But just to clarify,
you know, not all BDSM includes sex. It doesn't know it's perfectly normal and common to have these practices and power exchange without sex. I feel if someone's going to be a regular part night is different. I'll say like if you're just doing some play with someone, pick up play, you may not have to sit there and tell that person your whole sexual health is up to you and your
comfort. But also if the person asks you don't lie, I'm the kind of person that if someone, I feel like being open and honest in all situations, but that's something you need to think about within yourself and think about do you want to risk because you got to think about stuff like, you know, HSV, which is skin contact, which is very rare that it can happen, but you know, you can spread it like if they touch your genitals and you're shedding or you're on the cusp of
an outbreak or they don't know what an outbreak looks like, that can be a problem. Yeah, definitely. And so when you're in this vetting process, what are some red flags to look out both as a dominant and as a submissive? People who want to rush into intense play, like I talked about, refusing to say they won't allow negotiations. There are some doms who will be like, I don't allow safe words or I don't let you say no. And it's like,
who? OK, peace. Or people who want to keep secrets and not be open and honest who have disrespectful behavior who wanna push your boundaries and not listen or minimizing your limits. They're like, I don't believe in limits. If they're doing anything like that from the sub or the dominant or the switch, that's a red flag and that's something
you should. Not play with them or be very cautious when playing with them because it can go from happy to sad to mad really awesome And so if we are engaging in this type of play we want to we want to talk about ways to be safe risks to be aware of and ways to reduce harm. So what are some physical safety guidelines? So with the physical safety guidelines, you want to know when impact play. You want to know what places you can hit and what places you can't hit. Like
you should avoid hitting people like on. Now some people like this, but in general, you should avoid hitting people on their spine. You should avoid hitting joints. You should avoid hitting people on their tailbone. You should avoid hitting people on their kneecaps, the back of the knees, the elbows. You should know what are okay to hit and what areas are not okay to hit. And just because one person says you can hit them hard on this spot doesn't mean the next person can
because people have different. Like me, like I said, my friend can punch me in my butt because I don't have any hip problems. But if somebody has hip problems, and technically you can hit somebody on the behind, but if they got hip problems, you can't hit them as hard or maybe they don't want you to hit like right on their hip meat. They want you to go further in. So you just gotta know. where to avoid the kidneys also, the chest, the heart. Like if you're doing some kind of
breast play, avoid hitting in the heart. Like knowing where those organs are, you gotta have a basic sense of anatomy. And like when you're doing bondage, you know, make sure that you're tying tight enough to have them restrained, but you're not cutting off their circulation. Like
knowing if their fingers are going numb. or if they start feeling heavy pulsing, you're seeing a lot of bruising that's not, cause some people bruise easily, but if their arms and stuff start like turning purple or black, you may need to check in on that. You know, keeping safety, like the person who was teaching me rope told me,
you never do rope without safety shears. And knowing the proper shears to have with rope, cause you can't use the scissors that you use doing rope on a curvature, so you can go under and cut because normal scissors are at a point and you could sever and otter it if you use pointed scissors. So having the special safety shears when you're doing bondage, when you're doing rope, always checking in with the person. Are you okay? You cannot check in too much. Are you
okay? Like with fire play, having a fire blanket, having water near, having something to smother out the flames, knife play, having first aid kit handy in case you know someone gets cut. too deep knowing when someone needs to go to an ER and get stitches and with stuff like edgier play like I mentioned sound and electro play knowing what you are doing so you don't hurt someone. If you are engaging in fire knife or electro play proper training and education becomes
really important in those situations. Yes because just a little story with electro play I have a copper IUD. I won't do electric play because I have had too many conflicting answers on if the copper in my uterus can conduct electricity. So I don't let nobody do electric on me. Even when I'm practicing stuff, I don't handle electricity because some people are like, it won't do anything.
Some people are like, God no, don't do it. I have not gotten, I don't want to be the person to test the theory and I don't want to be the example. So I stay away from it because I've asked people who have done this for years and everybody has a different answer. So risk aware, consensual kink. I know the risk of having copper in my uterus. So I don't take that risk. I just don't, I don't engage in it top or bottom. That
makes a lot of sense. And then, so what are some ways that we can keep ourselves mentally and emotionally safe? Keeping yourself mentally and emotionally safe. One thing is be prepared for a drop. and what drop is, it's just like it sounds like when you're in kinking and when you're in a scene, you get this high, you're on this emotional high, but then once you're, it's almost like an orgasm. You know, you have an orgasm and you hit that pivotal point and then you're coming
down. Drop is like where all those emotions just. come down on you all at once, and you're just feeling like everything, especially after a really intense scene, and that's why aftercare is important, knowing what you need. You need affirmations, ground, and snacks, a blanket, a cuddle. I'm not a big cuddler, but if the person I'm playing with wants to be cuddled, that's their aftercare, so I'm gonna cuddle. Like I said, I'm not a big cuddler when it comes to people, but I will do
it because... It's what they need and as the dom in the situation, you have to know how to help them through that sub drop and asking them what aftercare looks for them, asking about those triggers and trauma they've been through and having conversations. I'm gonna keep saying is
having those conversations. About what it looks like for them because there are some people I've seen some people who can get their asshole at the frame and then go eat a slice of pizza They don't need any aftercare But then I've seen some people who need to be held in the corner for 20 minutes knowing what the person Because Dom's can drop too because you will be like oh my some people be like, oh my god Did I just do this to another human being even though it's consensual?
they still will feel bad about it because it's sometimes I've done something and it's like That wasn't nice. I done walked on these shoes everywhere and I done made him put his mouth on them. I don't think like, oh God, the germs. You'll think about stuff like that afterwards. So knowing to tell yourself, no, he knew what he was doing or she knew what she was doing. Cause I play with male, I play with anybody. I'm pansexual, I play with anybody. I don't care what's in your
pants. And then keeping ourselves sexually healthy and safe. What are some common practices there?
Of course STD, STI testing come to places like Shell Health, AAS, get tested, get on PrEP, because I didn't even know from, you know, from talking with people who work for AAS, you know, I didn't even know that they had years ago, they had made a PrEP that was safe for people who are assigned female at birth, because I thought for years PrEP was only for people assigned male at birth, and I was like, oh, now they have another PrEP, and then I found out they have a PrEP injection
now, so. going to those different places, Googling sexual health resources, free testing sites, because you can get tested. You should not avoid getting tested because of the finances, because there are places to get tested for free. That van from this organization always parks on work. You can go get tested. You just have to do a little research. That's why I always send people here. I'll tell people, you need to get tested.
there are ways to get tested for free. And you know, using condoms, gloves, like when I'm playing with somebody, like if I'm using my hands, like on someone anally or vaginally, I'm going to wear rubber gloves because I'm not sticking my hands because if I got a cut or something on my hands, a micro tear, you have an infection that can get into my bloodstream. So using gloves, I put condoms on my toys, knowing how to properly clean your toys, knowing what you can use on
your toys. also a part of and using like dental dams and other barriers if you decide to have more sexual scenes and know you know how that power play intersects with safety practices. And that's why negotiation matters even more here because you got to know, okay, what is your limit? How do you practice safe sex or how do you practice a safe scene? Asking those questions. I keep telling y 'all it's all about the conversation.
And then as far as public spaces and community events go, how can you engage safely in those community play environments? Look for the dungeon rules. Every dungeon has their own set of rules. I've been in some spaces where they're like no cameras. Put your phone away. Some places are like just be polite. with your camera, some places are like, you can take a picture, you just gotta ask somebody to watch over your picture to make sure nobody's in the picture, so. Ask the rules
of the space you're in. If you're not familiar, most spaces will have like, when you come to their group or play party, they may have like an orientation or something for new members. So you'll know the rules of that space. And you know, like I said, the other rules everybody should know. Don't be touching people's stuff. Don't interrupt anybody's scene. Be courteous,
be polite. Voyeurism is a quiet sport. Find out who, if you're in a large dungeon, like if you're at a playhouse or something, find out who the DMs are, like DM that stands for dungeon monitors. They're the people who are going around making sure everybody is safe, making sure the rules are enforced. Learn who they are so if you have a problem, you can go to them. And just learn how to engage safely in a community environment.
If somebody's making you uncomfortable, tell one of the leaders, tell one of the dungeon monitors. Don't go off with somebody. Some places will have an open door policy where you can't go behind a closed door with somebody because everybody
should be able to monitor. So just knowing that if you know if you're shy you don't want to be seen and that's one of the rules that the doors have to stay open or you need permission to lock a door and you have to ask because you can't break a rule because like I said, that's the rule. So just knowing the rules. of that space, always being smart, staying on your piece, staying on your cue. And we got into this a little bit, but let's just go over fully. What are some types
of play and common practices? Okay, well, my favorite types of play are... Impact play. And impact play is just what it sounds like. You're using tools like, you know, floggers and paddles and canes for sensation. Like you're using them on different body parts for, cause you're making an impact with body, with instrument. And I love sensation play. And sensation play is cause I'm more of a central sadist. So I made. punch you, but then I'll rub it out. So I love playing with
wax. Wax is one of my favorite things to do. So playing with the temperature, I may put some wax on you, then I may take some ice and put some ice on it, and play around with the different temperatures, or Wardenburg wheels, which is a little spiky wheel that looks like a meat tenderizer, and you just roll it and it's prickly. Or like, you know those shears that you shred, like when you make like a Boston butt, and you shred those,
where you can use those. I like to keep my nails long so I can use them to rub them across somebody back. And then bondage, I'm into bondage. I'm still learning rope. That's just tying people, restraining them, taping them. And role playing, I love role playing. That's where you and a person decide y 'all gonna take on these roles. I'ma be the car and you gonna be the mechanic and
you gonna give me a tune up. Or pet play, where somebody's like, you're the handler, and they're the pet, they're the horsey, they're the puppy, they're the kitty. Or, you know, like I talked about the dominance and submissive, and you know, some people like humiliation, like when I say humiliation, they like to be degraded, they like to be talked down on, they like... to be like
humiliated and embarrassed. Like when I told you, I'll tell somebody, you know, you ain't worth but shit under my shoe, clean the bottom of my shoe with your tongue, stuff like that. There are people who are into that. And then praise kings, I like people who like to be uplifted and they just like to be regarded and they like to be worshiped. You know, praise king. And sensory deprivation, where it's like, you know, they have those hoods where you can't see, you can't
hear. Some people go full into it where you can't see, you can't hear. They'll put your hands in something so all your senses are messed up. Oh lord, I'm too claustrophobic for that. And edge play, which are edgier plays with knives or breath play where you're cutting off somebody's breath or sounding where you're putting things into the urethra and things like that. Stuff like that, you shouldn't be doing that unless it's
a profession. That is not something you try the first, second, third, fourth, or fifth time. That edgy play is stuff you have to really educate yourself on. And I do just want to mention that, you know, people explore these practices for many reasons. Pleasure, trust. intimacy, catharsis or creative expression, you know, there's different practices and different, different reasons behind
them. Don't judge anybody. Like we've talked about that though, not judging people, de -stigmatizing sex because there are people who have sex or who are kinky who are ashamed of the way they are. Like they feel shame. You know, even people who are married are embarrassed to tell their partner, you know, I want you to spank me. I want you to do this. And it's like, Even if you're a Christian, the Bible says, you know, what it is? The marital bed is undefiled. So you're married
and you're worried about someone. You're like, when people are like, oh, well somebody's going to talk about me or it's like, who are you telling your business? If you like this and you're keeping it to you and your partner, you shouldn't worry about it because the only way somebody's gonna know your business is if you go out and tell them. So not feeling bad because you like the
things you like. Now there are some things that, again, I'm not gonna get into that, that are dark and you should seek mental health help if you are liking people in a non -consensual way or parties who can't consent. That is not right. Let me say that. Let me stand ten toes down. That is not right. Anything non -consensual with a person or thing or that cannot consent, that is never okay. You should seek some kind of mental
health. Quick, fast, and then a hurry. But outside of that, all other sexual desires are normal, healthy, and can be expressed in healthy ways. Yes. Like I said, I'll never kink shame, but I will kink question. Kink side eye. I will kink side eye. I will kink shrug. All right, and let's talk a little bit about the emotional and spiritual dimensions of kink. So kink can be very intimate and vulnerable. So you wanna talk a little bit more about that? Yeah, it's like a power exchange.
It can be so much trust and connection because you're giving somebody a piece of you and in the same time, you're being trusted with a piece of someone. So it builds that connection. It helps you explore things in your relationship you never knew you would explore. Like my partner, he was like really weird about, cause we were trying to force ourselves into this box where I ever, Everybody who knows me knows I'm a very
dominating person. So it's the fact that he was so worried about being submissive that he tried to force himself to a box. He wasn't meant to be in, because he's more switchy submissive. So once we started exploring his submissive side, he was able to be vulnerable and know, yeah, I like to sit at your feet. I like to service you. I like to do stuff for you, and I'm OK with it. I have to kind of tell him, because he loves me down. So he never lets me put my own shoes
on. So he'll be like, okay, let me put your shoes and your socks on. So then I'll be at my mom's house and he'll go put my shoes on, let me get your shoes. And I'm like. I tell people he likes to wait on me handing. I'm lucky, but because I was able to help guide him to that place of submission and not make him feel ashamed because he's a black man and a lot of black men feel the need to be dominated overbearing. They never
get to show their soft side. So he was able to trust in me to guide him to showing his soft side. People use kink as a form of communication where it's like. I can't really express this, but I can show you this. It's like, okay, I've been through this trauma, help me work through it by doing this with you. Now I recommend if you're gonna work through traumas, that you also
get mental health care. I don't think you should just go like saying, I'm gonna do this to work through it, to face this trauma without first, you know, seeking mental health care because at the end of the day, you're still gonna have to process it the same. Yeah. And many people do learn a lot about themselves, their desires. boundaries, confidence through kink exploration.
And as you mentioned, it can also be a space for healing and empowerment for people who've experienced trauma, especially to reclaim autonomy, especially marginalized identities. And it is important to handle that carefully and do not frame kink as therapy, but rather as potentially affirming consensual play. Yes. That's why I say it can be therapeutic. It is not recommended for therapy. Do not use kink as your only source
of therapy. seek help from a therapist and find you a BDSM kink aware, educated therapist who's able to understand, there is hard, especially when it comes to finding black sex positive kink aware therapists, but they're out there, you just gotta find them. So, and tell them, you know, so they'll be able to understand that this is why you do this because you're trying to face this, but don't use kink as your only form of therapy. I am still a proprietor of getting proper
mental health care. Awesome. And so how can beginners who are interested in BDSM and kink get started? I would say, you know, start educating yourself. Start looking up different spaces for education. Look up classes you can take. There are a lot of, you know, after the pandemic, there are a lot of online classes you can take. Get on Fat Life. Go on the community events. Start with going to munches because a munch is basically like a gathering of people who are into kink
and a vanilla scent. So that's how I started getting to know people. I started going to munches. And once I met around everybody, at the munches and people got to know me, I was able to get invited to the education events where you can learn. Go to things like Kinky College. It's in Chicago. It's a big kink education event. Educate yourself first. Then start off small. You may be smarter with one flog or soft stuff like blindfolding. Maybe some light spanking
role play. Ease into it and go for the heavier stuff the more you educate yourself. And find books. Reach out to people. If you see me doing something or presenting in public, ask me a question. I love answering questions. And if I don't know the answer, I know people who can answer it.
Just talk to people. A lot of people in this lifestyle who are the real OGs, the real educated, they love to answer questions because they would rather you ask a question and have the proper education than go rogue and hurt yourself or somebody else. And when it comes to edgier play, like some things you can learn from videos, but some things are hands on and you should have
a professional guide in you. When it comes to things like sounding, the breath playing, all of that, don't just rely on a video watching somebody. Do the research as professional. Don't be ashamed. Love yourself, love who you are, explore who you are, never be afraid to ask questions and you should go listen to the Safe Word podcast on all streaming sites where you can find a plethora of information on these topics we've discussed
and more. Awesome. And I just want to reiterate that BDSM and Kink are fundamentally about choice, communication, care, and consent. As Zee said, we want to encourage you to get to know yourself and keep learning. Thank you so much, Z. You mentioned your podcast, The Safe Word. For some reason, we started that podcast in 2020. We were the only Safe Word podcast. Look for the Safe Word podcast with Mystique and Mr. Everlasting.
Awesome. Yeah. So that is all for today. Stay tuned for our next episode, which I'm sure I'll figure out eventually. Thank you all for listening.