Welcome to Prep and Play, where we have conversations about safer sexual pleasure. This podcast is dedicated to empowering listeners through open, honest discussions surrounding keeping our minds, bodies, and spirits healthy while being sexually active. My name is Danielle, and I'm the Rural Outreach Specialist at AIDS Alabama South. And today I have with me Hi, my name is Zee. I also go by Mystique and I am a kink and BDSM educator.
I've been on the education side about, I've been doing it like super seriously maybe the last two years, but I've been helping educate maybe for the last five years ever since I started a podcast with a friend of mine back in 2020. And what we do is we focus on educating Black and other people of color. about kink, BDSM, and other alternative lifestyles. And what drew me to kink education and sexual education overall is my day job is a therapist, so... I'm always
educating people about their mental health. So I just love educating people, having people do things, you know, teaching them how to do things safely, teaching them that nothing is wrong with them, helping destigmatize because I didn't have that education when I was younger. I was told when I had questions to go read a book, my mom would always say, go read a book, go look it up. And that just gave me an obsession with sex education, King education. I just wanted to know
more and more and more. So that's kind of what led me into. because a lot of people, especially in the black community, have a lot of shame surrounding this topic. So I want to be that person and be that voice and tell them, it's okay, come learn, it's safe here. I love that. And I'm also probably going to ask you to come back for my mental health and sexuality episode. Oh, yay. I would love
that. Yeah. So since we have Z with us today, we're going to be exploring BDSM and kink not as something taboo, but as a set of practices rooted in communication, consent, creativity and community. And we do want to emphasize inclusivity in this conversation. Kink exists across identities, backgrounds and bodies. So to start off. What is BDSM? What do those letters stand for? What BDSM stands for is bondage, discipline, and sadomasochism. Some people will say bondage, dominance, submission,
and masochism. It depends on who you ask, but I've always known it as bondage, discipline, and sadomasochism. And what it stands for is just some of the core areas of kink being bondage, you know, that's using restraints and, you know, like I said, tying people up. cuffing people up. Discipline is just having rules to, you know, create that erotic or that consensual control. We always talk about consent is sexy. That's gonna be one of my big things we talk about in
our podcast. Consent is sexy. So it's about, you know, when you hear the word discipline, people look at it in a negative term. They're like, thinking about when they were young and their parents like, I'm gonna rule you with an iron fist. But what the discipline is, it's just two adults deciding that one person is gonna take the dominant role. And with that dominant role, we'll get into that a little bit later on when a dominant or submissive is. But you
just taking that. that dominant role, creating these are the boundaries, these are what we gonna follow, and the submissive is the person who follows, even though they don't really follow, because the submissive leads as much as the dom leads. A lot of people don't realize that. And sadism is people who like to inflict pain, like to inflict that heaviness to, and masochism is people who like to receive that pain. So that's what BDSM stands for. Awesome, great explanation.
And then Kink as well. So we like to talk about kink and BDSM. So what's the difference there? So kink is just any non -traditional erotic interest. It's the difference. A lot of people will mix up kink and fetish. A fetish is something you need to have sex, and a kink is something you just like when you have sex. Like I'll say, my husband, he has a belly fetish, which means he only... dates plus size women, which means that if they don't got a belly, he can't date them.
Whereas a kink is like, I like to see men in boots. It's not something like he has to wear a pair of boots anytime we have sex, but it's like something about a man in boots is like really sexy to me. And also I like to wear boots, so, cause I like to step on people. So I have a boot kink, but it's not a fetish cause the boots aren't needed. And BDSM is just a specific set of practices involved the negotiated roles, the power, or
the sensation. Awesome, awesome. And speaking of those roles, let's talk a little bit about different types of dynamics. So you got into a little bit of DS, dominant submissive dynamics. Do you want to talk a little bit more about that? So DS dynamics are just power exchange dynamics where one person takes on that top role where the top is the person who's given the action or the bottom role and the bottom is the person who receives it. And the dominants and the submissives
exchange power. They can overlap sometimes, but they aren't the same. Because usually, like I said, the dominant is the person who is given the punishment, they're given the orders. A dominant person is the person who takes the lead and makes the decisions while the submissive person, you know, they will willingly yields the control
and takes a more supporting role. Now, there are things called, like I'll just touch on, it's called total power exchange and in total power exchange, that is when one person, people like to call it master slave dynamic. really into the whole master slave, you know, I don't like, I'm not gonna call nobody master or anything like that, like even when people go by the name, cause some people, their kink name would be master
this. And it's like, I just, I can't, I have to call you something else or like I'll, like if your name is master water, I'll call you like MW or something. I just can't call people master. But with that, the slave is like a master and slave dynamic where this person has given full
control over their life. full control over everything to that person and some of them will live in a 24 -7 dynamic which means they live together, they have the dynamic, they live together and every... sect of their lives and household is controlled by this dynamic. Like some people all see what they'll have. Well, you have to keep my house clean. You have to dress up. You have to make sure food is cooked. And there is still consent in these roles because people will
get together. They'll talk about it. They'll talk about their boundaries. They'll talk about their hard limits, which is things that are completely off the table no matter what. Because like meet race play, which is play to do with race is completely
off the limit. There is no amount of money you can pay me to do race play and like a soft limit would be something that I'm open to it I don't know if I would do it or not but in the right situation I would like me sounding which is you read the play we're not even gonna go into that right now but that's something it's a soft limit for me it's like would I sound somebody probably once I'm still educating myself on it but it's also something that I'm like And then with, I
forgot, let me go back a little bit with the dom and sub, you might think, okay, what if I'm in the middle? And that's somebody who's a switch. That's somebody who likes to give and receive. Cause when I started my kink journey, I was more of a switch, but I've since evolved more into a dominant person who enjoys bottoming from time to time. But mostly I identify as a dominant. That was such a great explanation. So can we talk a little bit more about some styles of diner?
as far as like. play partners, lifestyle partners, romantic partners? Is this something you can expound on? So with play partners, they mostly are like people who just play together. They might be like, okay, when we see each other, we'll play together, but there's nothing like serious, there's nothing like contractual. It's just like, I have friends, like, cause I only will bottom for certain people. So it's like one of my really good friends, I'll bottom for
him. Cause he, cause I am, I have a really high pain tolerance and he does, So he likes to punch me in the ass like really hard because I just let him because it's relaxing to me So me and him are more of play partners, but then you have lifestyle partners and with his lifestyle partners they're integrating that BDSM into the daily lives and Romantic partners are just people who
are dating. It's just like regular boyfriend and girlfriend and there are some people who may be BDSM partners and romantic partners like me and my husband. I'm the dominant and he's a switchy submissive. But we're also married, so our married relationship is different from our BDSM relationship because there's things in marriage that we have that we don't want to
bleed over into the BDSM. Cause like if I put him across my lip and spank him, like forgiving me lip if we're doing BDSM play, if we're having an argument about the light bill, I'm not gonna be like, I'ma spank you. So we try to keep those things separately. And I also want to say that all dynamics are valid. Whether you are a, Mommy Dom, Daddy Dom, and a little, or a caregiver and a little, which is a little is just someone who enjoys like age play regression, all of that.
or if you are a dominant and a submissive or you a master and a slave or you a rope top and a rope bunny all dynamics are valid as long as you are practicing and we're going to get into this next is you're practicing some form of safety and there are a lot now the acronyms have changed throughout the years. Like, people will say this, and you ask people, they like, so, what do you practice? Like, what kind of safety, what is
your safety practice? And two of the biggest ones that I've seen in the lifestyle are safe, sane, and consensual, which is SSC. And that just means that what you do is you're doing it safely, everybody is in the same mind, and everybody, is consenting to what's going on. But a lot of people will push back on safe saying and consensual because they're like, who decides who's saying
or not? Because some people will be like, you should never drink when you kink and I don't believe in drinking or being under the influence when they kink. But some people are like, I just need one drink to loosen me up. That's their idea of saying is one drink. My idea of saying is no drink. So that's where that is a little shaky. is between people in the community. And I've also heard a little bit of a pushback against the concept of safe in that scenario because
like what is truly safe when we are. engaging in those power dynamics. And honestly, what is truly safe when we're having sex in general? There's always some amount of risk. Exactly. That is so true. A lot of people, that's what goes into the risk aware consensual kink, because it's risk aware. It's like, you know what you're doing is risk. You know the risks of it, but you're still deciding to consent to this. But just like with SSC, with rec, people will have
different ideas of what a risk profile is. an argument that has been used in the community because it's like I don't think this is a risk profile but then this person thinks that this is risky another person doesn't think is risky so it all goes back to communication and talking to the person who you're gonna play with about what style you want to use going through the safety precautions, what you're gonna do, talking
it out. You should never just jump into something with somebody without at least having a conversation to guide what you're gonna do. And another one I'm gonna say is, this is one I use, is, I can't remember the acronym, it's too long, but it's like, your kink is not my kink, but your kink is okay. Which basically, when I tell somebody your kink, is not my kink, but your kink is okay.
It means like, yeah, I ain't finna do it. But if you wanna do it, you know, have at it, live your life, but it's just not nothing I wanna do. So that's another one. I love that it goes into that don't yuck my yum type vibe. Yeah, I will never kink shame, but I will kink ask why. I will kink side eye, I will kink question, but I will never kink shame. Y 'all be like, you know. Have at it, I'm not one to judge nobody. I have definitely heard some things that made
me kink side eyes, so I really like that. It's a lot of stuff that I'm not gonna judge people because as long as you know, people will see it as, you know, as long as the bottom line is two consenting adults, which is true. So even when it's two consenting adults, I'm like, yeah, okay, you know, if you like it, I can tolerate it, so. But just remember that consent is ongoing, it should be enthusiastic, and you should be able to revisit those boundaries at any time.
So if you say, okay, I'd like you to tie my hands behind my back and not let me loose, but then you decide, okay, I don't want my hands tied behind my back anymore, I just want my hands tied to my front, you should be able to revisit that conversation and tell the person you're playing with, I don't want to do this anymore, can we change it? And learn what enthusiasm, is wearing people down or heavily convincing someone to do something is not enthusiastic consent.
If you ask somebody to do something, they're like, yeah, whatever, sure. That's not enthusiastic. But they were like, yes, I want to do it. Let's talk about it. That is enthusiastic consent. Yes. Consent is sexy. Enthusiastic consent. And so you mentioned a lot about those conversations and boundaries. So what would that look like in the context of a BDSM dynamic? See, because of my day job, and I know you're familiar with it, the biopsychosocial evaluation, I kind of
have the, it's gonna sound funny, I have. I have a form. When someone wants me, and I can show it to you later, when someone wants to play with me or wants to be my bottom or wants to sing with me, I have a form that I tell them, okay, I took the time to create this form. And I'm like, okay, fill out my form and let me know. Because I'm kind of neurodivergent and because I have so much going on, it's hard for me to remember a lot of details when it comes to conversations.
So I do that to make it easier, so I'll know, okay, this person wants to play with me, they're interested in this, they don't like this, they want this, they're okay with this. Like, the questions on my form are, do you have any medical issues, because certain people with certain medical issues, you have to play a different way. Like, I know somebody's diabetic, I would be careful about breaking skin, because, you know, people
who are diabetic heal slower. Or if somebody has, like, necrosis in their shoulders or something, I'll... have to look up okay if you want to be restrained what's the safest way to restrain you also of course I ask about mental health what kind of mental issues are you working through do you have any kind of PTSD depression bipolar disorder because if you have bipolar disorder I'm not gonna play with you when you're manic because I don't feel like personally to me now
some people may feel differently your judgment is clouded when you're manic. So if you're manic, I wouldn't want to play with you because I would want you to be able to because I believe in saying safe and consensual. So if I feel like you're too manic to play, I'm not going to do that. And also with PTSD, people have certain triggers. So we have to work through, okay, are you triggered
by the sound of this item? I've seen people who are triggered by belts and some people like to play with belts or like when somebody does that, it triggers them back to their trauma. So I feel like mental health and can't go. hand in hand because a lot of people, they will, you know, use, I won't say that kink should be used as a tool for your mental health, but some people are able to face those situations they've been in by being in certain kink scenarios. So that's
what I do. I talk to the person and I tell them, okay, you fill out my form. And once they fill out my form, I will talk to them about what they put on the form and be like, okay, so I have a little box that says you have any other questions for me. I'll be like, okay, so I do just like I'm at work. Like, okay. Intake evaluation. Yes, it literally has intake form on the top of it. It literally has intake form on the top of it. So I'll be like, okay, here's my form. Let me
see if I can pull it up for you sure. Like this is my form. and I'll ask them home. I love that. But I've also heard a lot about neurodivergence and kink and how well those go together. Can I read some of these questions? Sure. Okay, so, you know, it starts off with name, lifestyle name and preferred pronouns, current relationship status. What are you looking for, like long term play, scenes, dynamic? What can you offer as a submissive? Things that are off the table,
like triggers and limits. This one I love. What does aftercare look like for you? What are you looking to gain from a scene? What safe word and or system do you prefer? Do you have any injuries or medical conditions I need to know about? Favorite kind of toys? What type of play style do you prefer? Serious, funny, instructional? Types of impact? Where can I hit? What are your kinks and fetishes? Ooh, any sexual fantasies? Do you have any unexplored kinks and fetishes?
I love that. thank you is I had some friends they did forums too so we kind of bounced questions off each other and was like oh I didn't think of this question oh you didn't think of this question I thought of this question I try to hit everything because I don't like to leave room for guesswork because as a dominant or person at the top someone is being put into a very vulnerable position when they're being submissive so I want to make sure that I am creating the best environment
where all can feel comfortable so after we go through that I may ask questions like okay So how do you want to start? Because I require, especially if it's somebody I don't know. Like if I'm at like a con or something, that's kind of different because we're all there for the same thing. But like if someone reaches out to me and like, okay, I want to play, I require two in -person meetings. Like I need to meet
you, get to know you in public. I'm not just going to meet you up unless it's somebody I know. Like if... because I'm in certain kink organizations. So if it's somebody that's in the organization who I already know, it's like, okay, I don't really have to do that with you. But if it's someone new, it's like, I have to meet you. I have to get to know you a little bit on the vanilla side. I'm not going to just meet with you in private because also safety. And we're just going
to still talk through the form. I'm just using it as a guide. Like if you say, okay, like for example, If I ask you, what's your favorite toys? And you say, I like floggers. It's like, okay, do you like stingy floggers? Do you like dirty floggers? I don't know that. when I come play with you, I should bring this toy, this toy, and that toy versus lugging everything around. Because I used to, oh my God, I used to lug everything around because I like to use many different things.
And now I try to, actually I had a house fire about six months ago and I lost my whole kit. And when I tell y 'all, that stuff is expensive. That stuff is expensive. I had like five grand worth of stuff. So it's like rebuilding it up. is making me think, okay, now what did I like, what brought, what toys brought me joy the most? And what stuff did I just impulse by? So it's like, I don't foresee myself carrying all that
stuff around all the time anymore. So. now that I'm rebuilding, it's like, okay, if you like this, this, and that, I don't need to bring a stinky toy, because you don't like stinky. That's just a waste of space. So we talk about that, we talk about boundaries, and I offer people the space to be open, because like I said, I'm a therapist, so there's nothing I haven't heard already. I tell this to people in kink and in my day job, like, there is nothing that I have
not heard, so I'm not here to judge you. I'll just say, okay, if they said that they like, because I don't do littles, I don't do like people. like to portray themselves as younger than what they are. Like they want me to be their mommy or I'm not really into that. So I'll tell them like you don't have to be ashamed with like it's an age regress and play with toys and have someone treat you like a baby. It's just not something
I do. It's not something I offer so I'll say but I know this person likes this if you know, there's somebody I think they're compatible with or something I'm like, yeah, it's not really my thing So I offer them that space but I don't embarrass people for liking what they like and I did touch on also like safe words and safety signals and a safe word That's the name of my podcast. It's the Safe Word Podcast with Mystique
and Mr. Everlasting. And safe words are just pre -agreed words that you decide to use that's gonna stop the scene completely. Because a lot of the times when you're in that space, stop. It's not gonna, or no is not always gonna be a good word because some people are saying no when they mean yes and they're getting into it.
So you use a word that is totally unrelated to like the yes or no. So you know that, okay, like some people use the word like, like Jackrabbit or they'll say like, I think, what's Kevin Hart was saying? Pineapple, stuff like that. Like they'll pick a word and they know when their
partner says that word, they are done. But a lot of people will use, the traffic light system especially when they're doing pickup play playing with somebody for the first time and the traffic light system is something that's uh that's universally known because red when they call red that means stop completely yellow means you know i'm kind of getting there to my point but you can keep going Red I mean green means you're good to go and some people like do nonverbal signals They'll
be like tap tap tap three times when they want to stop Tap two times when I used to be a submissive like and I didn't want to talk because I like to be in my space I would thumbs up with thumbs down like I would just give a thumbs up with thumbs down because I didn't want to talk so It all goes back to those conversations that you have with the person when you first start playing to decide what guidelines you're gonna use for safety signals and safe words and all
of that. And also, another thing is with consent.
consent outside the scene like consent in like dungeon spaces or consent in like play spaces like you're not just gonna go up and interrupt somebody's scene or walk in the middle of it or be rude like when you're in a crowd like I go to this con and it's like a big crowded dungeon and I'm not gonna just be like well I want to walk here and I'm just gonna walk through somebody's scene like that's rude you have to respect other people's playing and voyeurism you can most spaces
people are okay with you watching but voyeurism is a quiet sport which means you watch and be quiet some people like me depending on some of my friends like with some of my friends I may heckle I mean but it depends on the person and if you know them so like somebody may see me watching one of my friends do a scene and heckling them but you can't come up and heckle it's like they're used to me heckling and talking my shit
but can I say shit? And talking my shit, but you can't just walk up and do that and you don't go and touch people's stuff because people's items in their kink bags are an extension of them. So you're not gonna go and touch somebody's belongings. when they're laying out on the table, you should always ask because also you don't know where something is being. So like if somebody's toy is laying there, they could have just pulled
it out somebody. Now you got somebody's inner juices on your hands because you're touching their toys. So always remember consent is sexy. Ask, ask questions because it's better to be told no than to be told get your ass out my face. Yeah, definitely. And we just talked a lot about boundaries before and during scenes. So We never did explain what a scene is, so what is a scene, Zee? A scene is just, it's another word for an act of some kind of kink or beauty at some point.
That's just what a scene is. When they say we're doing a scene, it means we're having some play that has a beginning, a middle, and an end, just like when you're watching a movie. They call it a scene because just like when you're watching a movie, there's a beginning, there's a warm -up, and then as you go up, you hit that high point, and then there's that come down. or that drop. So it's just like the like you watching a movie scene. There's the beginning, the height
of the action and the ending. I love that. And we did just talk a lot. So I want to recap that section for everybody. So we talked a lot about consent culture and safe, sane, consensual and risk aware consensual kink. And then consent as an enthusiastic, ongoing, revisitable thing. And then we also talked about how before a scene, it's good to discuss desires, limits, physical and mental health needs, triggers and aftercare
preferences. And it's also good to have maybe written or verbal negotiation tools for those. And then safe words are important. And a lot of people either develop their own safe words to stop a scene or have a traffic system that is like red, yellow, or green. All right. Well, that's all the time we have for today's episode. We will continue this conversation on our next episode of Prep and Play. See you next time.