Mother-In-Love: Coping w/ Loss

family we say mother and love. And I thought that I was prepared, and it turns out that I wasn't. In the beginning of the pandemic, there was a lot of talk to how people were experiencing death and dying and not being able to be with their family members, and I knew at that time that that was going to be the experience for my family because my mother in love was in a nursing home. So joining me

today is Mona Harris. She's a good friend of mine from my hometown of Baltimore, Maryland, and we realized that we had a commonality in this experience of loss. So tell me about your loss, Mona, because it was your mother in love as well, and they were both at the same facility. Correct, she was well taken care of at that nursing facility. She was actually in the memory

care unit. So she had to mention in March they said, well, this is the last time you're gonna be able to come for right now because the pandemic is stopping all visits. How old was your mother in love? To mine? Was to mine too, I mean her health was good at other than that, and when that pandemic it hit like a ton of Brits because, I mean, we couldn't go there. And one of the nurses was able to let us call her cell phone from time to time and do

a FaceTime call. But her being not in her right mind, she didn't know what was going but it was just good for us. They good eyes on her at the beginning. I don't believe that Merlin was requiring tests. I think in mid April they started testing. I think they tested her on the twenty eight of April and found out

the next day she was positive. And a week later, on a Saturday, they first, as a matter of fact, they called my sister in law and asked her if she wanted to have a face call, and they had never done that before my sister in law took the call, and you know, my mom was a little unresponsive at that time. And the next day, which was made second, they called and said her heart rate had went high

and her person had drop. What should we do? And my husband said, send it to the arm and he went to the facility actually and met the ambulance that I couldn't go in, but he wanted to see her coming out. Upon her coming out, she wasn't responsibly yelled, you know, yelled her name, but she didn't respond. So he followed them. It's up to the hospital, and of course he couldn't go in. So she was there a couple of days at the hospital and they called and

said that there was no more they could do. He said, one person can come to see her, and my husband went and they covered him from head to toe in all the year and her cell phone in the plastic bag so he could do a zoom call for his family members. And that's that and for my family, I

think that our experiences were quite similar. You know. First of all, let me just say that when you have to make the decision to put someone in a nursing care facility, it's well known that, you know, you have to be really careful and thoughtful about the facility that you choose, and a lot of it is based on what the family can afford. So I feel blessed, Like I said, that we were able to get her in

a facility that we trusted and had confidence in. That being said, though, knowing that the elderly are vulnerable and at risk, it's imperative that we have some button there every day, and we were lucky enough to be able to do that. We have family members, so somebody in the family was there every single day. Rodney's sister brought her mother dinner every day and it was a schedule for us. At three o'clock every day we went to

see Miss Jeans. So having her be able to see us, touch us, talk with us, sit down, and spend time with us on a daily basis, and to go from that to absolutely nothing was devastating for us. And I just can't imagine what that was like for her, you know, because they don't quite understand exactly what's going on. Rodney's mom was of sound mind. She wasn't of sound body,

but she was of sound mind. But still there's a bit of confusion when you know, everybody is coming and then all of a sudden, nobody is right, you know, And it took the facility a minute to figure out, how can we involve the family because we know that that is needed. And then they started doing the the weekly FaceTime calls that you mentioned, but it was once a week and it was for a couple of minutes. I'm not sure we even got up to a half an hour of time because they're having to go around

to each person, each bed and do this. I can imagine the task that it was to to do that, but it was really, really, really something. First, let me ask you, let me go back and ask how are you guys doing? How are you and Eric coping how? I think everybody is doing as best they can. Everybody

has their moments. I know, Earth class his moments, you know, when he would when he was talking about yesterday, he was having some moments that hit hard because she and I were pretty close as well, well, we were very close, not pretty close, even though, like Eric would say, sometimes she's really not here, because she had to mention, but I said, but physically she is here, you know, and we still could touch it, We still could see her,

you know, so it's it's it's very devastating. Yeah. Let me clarify for the audience to that, Eric, your husband, she was my mother in love as well. Yeah. Yeah, and Rodney is my husband. So we just want to clarify who we're talking about. So do you feel like the loss of your mom was more add to the COVID or was it just more related to It was definitely COVID, yeah, because she was doing fine before that, exactly.

I talked to a matter of fact, we saw a nurse in the market a couple of weeks ago, and I guess it was about thirty about thirty patients in her particularly unit, and we were asking how they were doing, and she said, my mother loves unit. Out of say, thirty all passed but two. Wow. So and it sounds like your mother, your mother and love. Her illness progressed quickly. Yeah.

I don't know if those patients on that unit were more vulnerable, you know, because I don't know who of those patients had other issues other than dimension, you know, they could have had other issues. Well, my mother in law, she didn't, she didn't have any other underlying issues. Yeah, my mother in love was of sound, sound mind. But she was weakened. Her body was weakened. She couldn't get out of the bed, you know, on her own, and

you know, she was she was pretty frail. But I still feel like if I mean like, I'm not God, but I just feel like if she, you know, hadn't succumbed to two the pandemic, that she would still be be with us today. I believe that as well too, you know, because I said she was still fine. She was still eating on her own. Some of the patients were not. She wasn't walking, she was in a wheelchair,

but she still was able to eat. You know. The conversations were, you know, of course way out there, but we would still laugh and still talk and you know, we had a good time. So this COVID really, really, am really took her right. I thought that I was prepared because I knew that this was going to be the case. You know, dealing with loss is such a difficult journey. And no matter what you tell yourself, because I tell myself all the time, well it's it's just

part of the life cycle. Everybody, everybody is going to die. You're never prepared trying to navigate those emotions during during this pandemic. When you you cannot be with family and friends to celebrate the life was very different. Let let me ask you, did you and your family plan a service? Did you have a funeral and people could come? And he's got three siblings, so their spouses that was eight.

It couldn't have been in her church where she has been all her life, so she couldn't even they couldn't even celebrate her there. So it really has taken a toll, you know, because she couldn't celebrate her life the way she really should have been celebra read it, but you know, it was a blessing. It was, but it was a blessing. So you didn't have any kind of repass or gathering after the funeral either, right? Did you have a view reviewing? And a lot of people came for that, so that

was a blessing. A lot of people were able to come and we were able to communicate and and have a little fellowship with them because the funeral home allowed us to communicate on the outside. So the people went through viewed her body and then came outside. Yeah, well for us, we you know, we were able to have the viewing. I mean, even the simple thing is like you know how you have the guest book where everybody fine, didn't have that, and it's just like everybody having the

mask and not being able to hug people. And then for the funeral it was the same. I felt like we were allowed to have more people than ten, but it's not even what you're allowed. People are afraid. We didn't even expect people to come out, because you know, we're trying to protect and keep people safe as well. But anybody that did take the time to come, you want to be able to thank them, and and that's

what the repasses for. But it's also you know, an opportunity to just continue the celebration and share stories and have some joy about your loved one's life. And the idea for me, the idea of not knowing of no family member being able to to be with her in her last hours, all the family members that didn't get an opportunity to come and visit her one more time. You know, you don't you don't know whether, well, did she pass and they just came in the room and

found her or with somebody with her. It's a difficult time, and it's really dreamely difficult time. And I think That's one of the reasons why I wanted to bring it up again, because, like I said in the beginning, there were a lot of stories that you saw on CNN when the pandemic first hit, but we have kind of moved away from that part of this travesty, you know, and I just kind of wanted to remind people because I don't understand people's decision to refuse to wear a mask.

I don't understand people who still are acting like this is fake news and acting as a business as usual and it's not buses responsibility at the top. Well, yeah, I think people have their own way of saying goodbye when there's a loss. But is there anything that kind of stands out in your mind that you maybe would have done had you been able to have the funeral in a normal time without the pandemic. I think the biggest thing because she was a lifetime member of Evaneza

Baptist Church. Great grandfather founded the church, so she's been there since a child, so you know, a lot of memories are in that church. She was spent her life there literally, that alone, it's pretty hard. Church members couldn't be there, a pastor couldn't be there, you know, the celebration that they would they would have had, and they said they'll do a memorial service once this is over,

but it's really not the same, you know, a memorial service. Yes, to me, it will be a little different doing it that way, And I agree. I think it is the gathering. And I don't even think I've realized just how important that gathering and that repath past is. It's like your missing water until the well runs dry, right, And I didn't realize just how important that celebration after the actual funeral it really is. You know, sometimes I think people think, oh,

it's just you're just going to eat. It's much more than that, much more, much more, so, much more than that, And there's so much comfort that you get from sharing stories and celebration of the life of the person who has transitioned. Where did you find comfort during this time and not being able to do that, well, Adrian, I don't even know if I found comfort now. I think I'll just have to accept where we are because if you really think about it, you know, all her nieces,

her nephews, her grands they all couldn't be present. She was well loved, so you just had to accept it for what it is. That's no real closure. Yes, that's the key word, Mona. That that's how I felt. I felt like there was no real closure, you know. And my husband days after it was like, what's going on? And I couldn't quite put my finger on exactly what it was. What It's almost like it was the whole

process was rushed. Yes, we're able to take your time and just reminisce on the memories and reminisce on how people are celebrating her. Yeah, so you know, and once again recognizing that it's not the fault of anyone, recognizing that this is just what is needed during these times to try to keep people safe, you know, and and protect it. So I want to end this conversation on a positive note. If we can tell me something really good or maybe a sweet memory about your miss Katherine.

Miss Katherine, I'm gonna tell you Miss Katherine was. She was a type the type of lady that she didn't hold back, but she wanted to tell you yes, and she and I would just laugh. My husband would say, Mike, you can't say that, you can't say that, you know, but you know, she would just say how she felt and I would laugh because it was funny to me with Earth said don't laugh because it's not funny. Yes it is, it really is. She's been on this earth ninety two years. Let her say and let her do

what she wants. But that's just how she was. She just said said how she felt, and it was funny to me, you know, because she liked to laugh and so do I. So that was that was a good memory for me. Yeah, my mother and Misschi was the same way as she always would say what was on her mind. But I think the thing that really will stick with me so much is how much she loved her family. She loved her family, loved her grandkids and her extended family, and she was just such a giving woman.

You know. Another thing that that that sticks out for me is that she was a wonderful cook. And we don't have that. Yeah, no, we don't share my family because I'm not I'm not a good cook, you know. She was was always a good cook, and that was that was her way of showing love to her family, was was cooking a good old meal. So even though we we had such a devastating loss during the pandemic Mona, we we have these wonderful memories. Right yeah, yeah, So my best to Eric, and thank you so much for

being willing to come on and share your story. Not a problem, not a problem. Hopefully somebody will will hear it and it will help them to know that we get we'll get through it. We were getting through it, you know, as hard as it is, as hard as as it was, we're getting through it, right. I just want to remind people that the pandemic it's not over. Please please please wear a mask, if not to protect you, then to protect your nobody else, somebody else. Wash your hands,

wear a mask, yes, yes, thank you so much. All right, take care. The only takeaway that I have is that this for now is the new normal, and everyone's journey to find enclosure and peace will be different. Please remember to the guidelines for safe distancing, Wash your hands, and please please please wear a mask. Positively. GAM is produced

by Westbrook Audio. Executive producers Adrian Banfield, Norris, Jada Pinkett Smith, Amanda Brown and Salon jethro Co. Executive producer sim Hoti, Segment producer Ash Francis, Associate producers Erica Ron and Kobe Hertberg, Editor and mixer Calvin bailiffs Positively. Gams is in partnership with art nineteen