222- Guiding Adolescents through Technology and Independence

Okay , you can just call me out , it's fine . I'm probably going to ignore you anyways , unless you have something very constructive to say If you're saying your mama's so Blank , blank , blank , blank , blank . I'm keeping this clean here . We have problems , but I see it both ways .

Sometimes parents don't know how to deal with them , so there's going to be an answer for that , especially the parent side and deal with these very complicated Preteen teenagers Going through emotional issues , identity issues , what happened ? I mean , I've been there , mr Higgs here has been there , and there's a certain way to communicate with them .

I don't know what it is . Miraculously it worked with half the preteens I talked to . It was by sheer luck , but it's got to be a method , right ? You don't want to rely on luck . That's so cruel . But we have a more practical way to handle it . I'm being my way , mostly Mr Hicks here .

He came up with his whole show up framework , and I read the acronyms . I think it's great . You should toot his horn on that one . I would take all the credit . He came up with his whole show up framework , and I read the acronyms , I think it's great .

I do focus on preteens and parents of preteens , because they're the most influential ones at that point in life , and this point in life is actually very important . You can get into that also , but what I speak about is human development , which is very relevant for politically high tech situations .

Politics is ability for us to come together as people the populace Right and actually high tech technology is just innovation of this time , and innovation of this time is a big part to why we see the uptick in mental well-being , or the lack thereof . Attention and what human development is in this day and age .

We can go as deep as you want to in regards to what social media is doing to our brains and as we're relating together as people . So I came up with a show of framework and thank you for sharing your platform and welcoming me here .

And I was explaining what I do and the woman said you know , that sounds like a lot of DEI , or diversity , equity and inclusion . I was just like , call it whatever you sound like , it sounds like being human to me , and I mean , when you have more varied points of views and perspectives , you have a better understanding of something .

So use , yeah , yeah , use whatever language , whatever words the audience wants to use , but the truth is , yeah , just more perspective means more understanding .

I've been considered difficult , that's okay , I don't care , because it's just so superficial how it's been implemented , not addressing some of the issues . But I'm not gonna get into that . It's about me . It's about how you parents could deal with that difficult preteen . And I'm going to be honest deal with your difficult self , okay .

Sometimes you're the difficult one . It's not the preteen , all right , and it's like you said , it's your development . So I'm going to just keep it short . I want to make this about you . You're the important one here .

I don't want to hang out with this parent at all . This parent's a boomer . I don't want to hang out with them . It's so embarrassing

. I'm sure you go through some of that , and I think social media even amplifies that .

They're coming into adolescence at this age , between 10 and 14 . And adolescence is signified by a turning away and wanting to be independent . That's a natural order of things . Then , when you understand everything that you told them between zero and nine was their worldview , that was gospel .

But now , when they're coming into this new era where they're starting to see their other points of views and other perspectives that are existing , skepticism starts to seep in and they haven't worked out what nuance is , which comes later on in the developmental understanding .

But with skepticism , there's mistrust there and they're just turning to gain a better understanding of the world . So they're gathering other perspectives . So that's when they're turning away from you that turning away some people take personally .

And then there is outlashing and there is a misunderstanding of what's expected at this stage , or a misunderstanding of how to support our kid in their growth towards autonomy .

As a parent , you're supposed to become a guide on the side or a coach to actually say I'm still a safe space for you to come towards and I want to understand your identity and you forming in that and I'm supporting you in your autonomy . It doesn't mean you become a doormat , doesn't mean you become permissive on the side or passive on the side .

Rather , it means you have to learn a new set of skills and a new way to approach it .

I used to be a high school teacher and we would say , or there's an approach to parenting called autonomy , supportive parenting , and what we're focusing on now is helping the kid be more independent so that they could understand their own identity and eventually be a contributing member to society .

You could say I chicken out an education system , yes , and I'm proud of it . I'm making more dough from it . So , yes , call me a coward . This is an intelligent coward , I'm fine with it . But yeah , no , I'm sure that the reason why I say that is because people use these lingos and they associate certain lingos together .

I say you are and , to be honest , to balance my podcast , I do need perceived DEI or more pro-DEI voice . I have too much anti-DEI voice . I'm fine with it per person , I've gotten used to it . My only problem is just implementation . I'm sure it could be beneficial to some extent . It's just implementation and the superficiality of it is my biggest issue .

Other than that , I mean we humans gotta learn how to be kinder to each other . Gotta learn , you know , not just say , oh , marcus is too dark , I don't want to talk to him . Or this person's too light , this person's too fat . Oh , this is a fam boy , I don't want to talk to that one .

You know , I think we should separate , discriminate people by character , character , character , character . But that's all I'm going to add to that . And the big thing I like to point out is not take it personally . I think I'm not surprised I wasn't answering . That's the thing I was thinking of when I was putting myself in your shoes for sex .

I'm going to answer this , maybe not take it personally . So I had like one piece of it right . I think that's why it worked for me sometimes , because I didn't take it as personal . I was kind of there . You know , I'll just be like a guy , whatever . So intuitively I had some idea .

But the ones I messed up with were the ones I was not in the right headspace , so I don't want to deal with this nonsense .

Another way and approach that I see it is I know the goals that I have and what I want for the future and I find people and thoughts that are in alignment with those and with our powers combined sound like Captain Planet , but we go and we get it , and then if people aren't in alignment with that , then that's okay .

I fully support the expression of other people , even if they're not in support with that , because the thing is they're going to go off in their own direction , and I support you in going off in your own direction . But if what I'm working towards is something that is binding and the well-being of you and I , yeah , let's , let's go get it , let's go get it .

Um , and and and even I don't even use the word DEI . Actually , I was bringing that up because a person brought it up , but she was . She was describing what I did as DEI and I was just like huh , that's interesting , because I know this is what human development is . The cell breaks itself and then it comes back together because we weren't dependent .

We move into independence , but then at the end of it , we're in interdependence . A system is more healthy if there is interdependence , and what that means is I will take care of me to be in service to you if you promise to take care of you , to be in service to me , and that's really what politics is ideally .

You , if you promise to take care of you , to be in service to me , and that's really what politics is ideally . For people who can't understand the well-being of us collectively , it may not be in alignment with what I want and I'm just like that's cool .

I totally respect that , and you just don't move in the direction if there's no alignment and you just acknowledge it and you still let people hold their dignity . So that's , that's perfectly fine , and you just get on to what you want . The question comes on to what do you want ? And that's the creator question yeah , that's a profile .

Trust me , I am channeling the frustrated parent for a second . But look , it doesn't work . You're just making the situation worse . In general , I know it's easier said than done to have some of that experience I could kind of transfer to this conversation .

And of course I babysit teenagers from time to time within the family and you know they go through their thing and I have adopted different communication style , like the first one . I try to jerk style just don't bother me , I don't want to talk to you . That pushes them away further . Then there is the kind , somewhat clingy one . They get annoyed .

You gotta find a balance to that because you can't be too close to them . You also can't be too distant for them . It creates a dysfunctional dynamic . I mean , generally speaking , there's so many nuances we don't have time to go through all the nuances . I'm just giving you just a simple breakdown and I try to , of course a moderate approach .

Let them have their room for independence and they leave a room for dependence when they need it . You know , and I think for me that that's what for me I don't want to add , just to spice it up and polish it . I'm open to it .

One and two , I don't think my needs will be met because I can't express it . And that's where all the emotion comes up . And they are more highly sensitive , which is actually a plus . And they are more highly sensitive , which is actually a plus .

They're more sensitive to this world because during this day and age , or this time , this developmental stage , they're trying to figure out life , they're trying to navigate it . So nature has turned up their sensitivity with chemicals . The other thing I was going to say is self-determination theory . There are three things it has to be self-directed , right Autonomy .

The second is mastery . They have to see themselves improving in it and it has to be relevant . So it has to be relevant to what they want . So a lot of people tune out other people if they don't feel as if it's something they choose , if they're being controlled by something else , if they don't see themselves growing in it .

That's why school is a turnoff for a lot of people at this age . And then , if they don't see why , they don't understand why this is related to me . Related to me . When you understand those three things and you meet other people , regardless of whatever level they're at teenagers , kids or adults I think that's where we get a lot of conflict .

And nothing's wrong with conflict . Conflict just exposes where we're not having our full expression . And in communication we say there's conflict in every relationship . That doesn't define the relationship . What defines it as ? How do we manage the conflict ? How do we deal with it ? So yeah , when you have those things in mind , I got a little bit of wisdom here .

You learned how to not get caught up so much in it , but you learn how to rock with it so that other people can develop as well .

I like how you put it . Conflict is this expression that's not fully developed , articulated , and two of them are just disagreeing on something . Until they figure out those details of what it is , until they iron it out , it becomes like a nice flat paper .

I've used a paper now it's all crumpled up right now because they iron it out and it becomes like a nice flat paper . I've used a paper . Now it's all crumpled up right now because they all try to peel it up together and even though they are at , they start at opposite sides , or maybe even the same side , so it can be the same .

You get into conflict wherever it is . You have to go through the motions until they reach a fine point that's beautifully put . Listen here , especially for you parents . I already said this podcast is not for minors . If you're listening to it , it's your fault . Remember your fault , parents . It's like the umpteenth time I've blamed you .

If you're listening to this , they might learn something ironically , and you know I'm going to be a hypocrite in my own room for a second . Let the minor listen to this podcast no matter how very adult subjects that I think their minds , for the most parts , are fully developed .

You know I've met very intelligent 16 , 17 year olds that are mature , mature beyond their years of development . Wow , this kids make me like a dummy . Great , uh , shot at the ego , but it's wonderful because they've shown remarkable growth there and I'm shocked in a good way as well . But for me of course the ego's only hurt for like two seconds .

I say you know what ? It's actually great , it's very phenomenal , and hopefully this kid can lead other kids to that enlightenment . At least that's my hope . I'm a little bit of an idealist on certain things and then I think , yeah , this is great . Listeners , I hope again , just jot it down or something Create .

I don't know a meme to make it memorable , because this is some valuable stuff here . I mean , I'm learning here too , as a host , because I'm a host . I don't know a meme to make it memorable , because this is some valuable stuff here .

I mean , I'm learning here too , as a host , because I'm a host , I don't know everything just trying to guide this conversation to be as most productive as it could be in such a limited time . So , with that said , let me just move on to the next question . Unless you have anything you want to add , I don't know . So this is a good one .

Regarding the team when does the team go through its withdrawals ? And sometimes we'll differentiate they're just doing that because they really want to be alone , away from the parents , or there's a deeper issue he or she is going through but doesn't know how to express it well , articulate it very well . Maybe they are ashamed . I mean , how can , what ?

What signal should parents watch out for just to navigate that difficult , difficult situation ?

So this is not advice for your home , but if you feel as though their safety is in need to be looked at , check a professional relationships and connections at school and at your place of worship , or outside of school , at the park and so on , then you may not need to worry as much .

It's when they start shutting down their social connections in all spheres of their life and start to self-isolate from everything . That's when that's a red flag that goes up . But if they're at home and they're isolating , I mean it could just be . They need some mental space to process what they want .

There are other ways inside the show up framework that I do have , where you can open up communication , but yeah , if they're doing it across the board in all their social interactions . So that means go to school , ask the teacher if they're connecting with others , ask other adults inside your pod or other adults in their life .

Because there's one thing worth noting You're not expected to do it alone . When we look at human development , we develop in pods , parent pods . It's called alloparenting . There's a book called Mothers and Others that explains this , but we should have other trustworthy , present adults inside their lives .

I will defend him on that one , but I actually would Enough of me trying to start a petty beef with the quote . Talk about development here . See , I'm trying to be self-aware here , trying to Not cause any conflict . Uh , all right , but uh , I like to have a little fun here .

Um , unless the person's all good , uh , yeah , I mean , that's , that's profound advice . See , where to isolate . Is it just at home or is it all spheres of interactions ? Yeah , it is hot and for some reason I'm not sweating today , which is shocking because I'm a sweater too . I , you know , I'm not gonna censor that or clean it up .

And I know I'm just saying look for it , but right now , depending on when this is released after summer , I'll have some workshops on my website in regards to two things how to help your preteen find their identity and mapping out your family's virtues and values .

And the second thing is how to nurture your preteen's potential during the digital age , because digital , as the name of this podcast shows , the digital landscape is changing how our preteen's brain develops and there is an approach to it that can actually help solidify your preteen's identity using tech , as opposed to being abused by tech .

So I'll have those two workshops up on my website and they'll be in the show notes and everything .

This is why , you know , kids are communicating in a way and even teenagers are communicating in a way that we more established generations are just not used to . What the heck is this ? And well , there's social media for that and there is ways we got to combat it , because the tools that we had in 1990 is not going to work today .

When you have social media and you're having a stream of stories being constantly bombarding your mind , you really can't form your own identity , or your identity is being formed on the other side of a screen .

You're starting to form your identity and likes and what you think is important , ie your values , on what's happening on the screen , of what's being told to you . Now the question is when that screen closes , who are you ? If you can't answer who you are when that screen closes , how will you ever deal with the stressors of life ?

Because the way we deal with the stressors of life is by saying I am so . We know where we want to push back and in that pushing and pulling , that's where the tension of life is and that's how you develop . But if you don't know who you are when that screen closes , how are you going to develop ?

And that's what causes that anxiety or the crisis that's happening on with social media now , the crisis that's happening on with

social media . Now there's a book by I forget the author at the moment , but the book is called the Anxious Generation and he talks about the numbers there . And actually that's what the workshop is about , and we look at where the cutoff point is and actually actionable steps we can take to counter this .

And it starts with a strong identity and that's why , at the top of this , at the top of this , I always say there's no greater privilege than to be who you are and I say I see your color , I see your religion , I see your . However . You want to represent yourself and it's all welcome , and you know what .

It might rub me the wrong way , but , like Rumi said , if we avoid everything that rubs us the wrong way , however , will we be polished , and that's what I'm all about . I'm like hey , bring yourself , I have dignity for you , you hold dignity for me . Let's see if we're in alignment and let's get it , yeah , yeah .

Of course not . There's times that you've got to draw that line to protect not just yourself , also those around you who look up to you for either protection , guidance , what have you , especially for adults . So there's just certain things that you won't allow .

That's all I'm going to say about that , because it would just be too tolerant of everything that's somewhat like religions and skin color , things like that , somehow of low vibration in spiritual terms . I mean , that's someone who's acting a fool , okay , and someone who's being disrespectful and just being very , very difficult .

And you got to draw the line disrespectful and just be very , very difficult in the end . That's all I'm going to say for that because , to be honest , we have very limited time . I like to go deeper than that . That's actually one question . Actually , this is the next question , as the preteens are forming their identities . They want to challenge authority .

That could be the parent , the teacher , coach , even the police , who , god forbid , doesn't end violently , because , sadly , some of them has . Let's be honest , you know the examples of some of them . I'm not going to talk about them , but you know the names , especially the high-profile ones . How can parents maintain ? How can I put this ?

How can parents establish and enforce the rules , even without creating this warlike adversarial dynamic ?

That's the strategy , the actual tactic to do it . There are many , but one I'll tell you now is as kids start to become more autonomous , you give trust to them and you trust them to set up the rules , regulations and consequences .

The reason we have rules and regulations self-regulation it's to actually help in our own development , but nobody likes rules being opposed upon them . That's why it starts with your identity , of your virtues and values , of what's important to you . And now I'm going to invite you into setting up the rules for what you want to get in life and when .

I allow you to help . And you're not going to set up all the rules , because , again , we're dealing with preteens here and even with teenagers . This is how we used to do in the classroom If you have some student voice , student choice , or you have some say in the rules , when eventually the consequences come , this is what you decided .

This is what you said you would do , and I'm holding you up to that because the question is is this the type of person you want to be ? You up to that because the question is is this the type of person you want to be ? And what that looks like in the household is yeah , let's walk through the rules of what we want to get Like . What do you want ?

You've established that because it's in alignment with your values , and we're speaking to the highest part of you when I say your virtues , it's the part of which a beautiful expression of yourself . Okay , we got that . What rules are we going to put in place for us to get that ?

Now I'm here to support you in meeting those rules and even when we fall short of them , we know how to repair and reconnect .

But when you have the person with some buy-in and the rules of what they want to live and how they want to show up , then they tend to follow them more , and it's not the authority of putting it on them , but it's helping them keep to their word of what they said . And because you're trusting them a bit , they learn to trust themselves .

And that's actually where confidence comes from Confidere with the trust , because now you trust your word to meet your rules . Of what you said , hear that .

Some of you just chopped up political nonsense for a second . If you want a clean environment , you're not going to throw the trash everywhere . You're not going to I don't know just throw the ice cream in the middle of the street . That's going against your identity and you trust them to do that .

So just give them the guidance instead of just saying no , don't do that , don't do this , throw the ice cream out . They don't trust me .

Maintain the dignity of the person , but let them know the path and trajectory you're on is your choice and you're allowing the person to own whatever experience they're having .

Now I may or may not support you in some expressions , and that's fine , because I acknowledge you to be a whole person and in those ways of where it's in alignment with well-being , because I hold my values too and I'm going to be a trustworthy person in your life . I am working for your well-being . But is this the type of person you want to be ?

I think that's a lot of that conflict breeds from . Sure , not all of them , but the vast majority . I mean , assume this is a normal semi-dysfunctional communication , not family , just communication . Just want to be clear , not calling you dysfunctional . Trust me , that's a whole other thing and I'm not going to go there with you .

You know who you are and all that good stuff . And with that , you know who you are and all that good stuff .

Easier said than done for some of them . I like that . I get that . It's a rad . I think a lot of us grew up on that , so that's just me . I personally like to call it and w . Wander and explore this world together , project-based living and up , unveil potential together . Of course , from extra details about this workshop , go to marcus higgscom .

I'm just gonna read this part right here , so I'm going to just repeat the skit . So , m-a-r-c-u-s-h-i-g-g-s dot com . All right , that's Marcus Higgs dot com . Check him out . It's a beautiful website . He's friendly , he wants to talk to you , ok . So yeah , I got to throw that in there . It's a very beautiful website . It's an easy website to follow through .

It's very visual . If you're a visual person , you'll like it . It's not very wordy , all right . For some of you who just think websites are too worthy , too lengthy , it gets . Get straight to the point . I try to website myself , so give it a shot . I don't want to hear you got super ADHD or you don't got time for that .

No , you just not putting the time for it . Okay , let's just be very , very real . Get in touch with him . He's going to have workshops . He got stuff going on the time , you know . Once this episode is released , just Go in there .

Just do what you need to do , especially if you have a very difficult Dynamic With your preaching , and I'm sure you allow preteens to join the workshop too . Right , just do what you need to do , especially if you have a very difficult dynamic with your own preteen , and I'm sure you allow preteens to join the workshop too . Right ? I'm assuming that's a yes .

I'm like an advocate for the preteen to say this is what they're thinking about , this is what they're doing .

I'm going to link it as well . So get in touch with him . Get in touch with him .

He's a cool dude . You just heard his interview . He's wise and avoided kill . Cool kids say he's base , okay , base , yes , I don't care if you call me a new boomer , I really don't care . You preteens and you young adults , I don't care , I'm using your terminology . So you could get me all right .

Be you halfway , okay , and stop doing that digital cloud chasing as well . You can begin with the real world and then you can begin with your little digital . So , all right , enough of me yapping and lecturing y'all . I'm being preachy . Don't listen to me . Listen to markets at this point .