Hello, welcome to today's episode. My friend. I'm so happy to be here with you wherever you're at going about your day. Whether you've got your buds in and braving Costco or folding laundry, fixing dinner in the car. Just chilling on the couch. I'm flattered that you have me with you. And today. Today's episode is brought to you. By an interesting story for my daughter's high school. So. My kids go to a high school, just a few blocks away. And they have like this target time type thing where. For, I think it's a 15 minutes or half an hour every day. They are able to go to any class that they need to, to get help with their schoolwork. I think it's called tiger time or something.
Apparently during this tiger time. There was a student that did not leave the school grounds. And they went outside somewhere around the building or in the parking lot. And got high.
Entity. For perhaps the choices. Or responsibility. That could belong elsewhere. The parent was holding the school accountable instead of their child accountable. For doing these drugs. Now whether or not we agree or disagree with this situation. Things like this happen all the time. Oftentimes parents learn it. From their parents and we pass it on to our kids. And. We love holding other people accountable for things that maybe would be better suited to take ownership of ourself. I think that this in large part is distinctly human and perhaps also American. Tragically.
Right. That's why I didn't turn it in or why I got a bad grade because I didn't look at the rubric because it was so hard to find. Or whatever. I got fired from my job because. I kept being late.
It's common and really easy to fall into the line of thinking. Like am I raising someone who will never grow up or take responsibility? Are they going to turn into an entitled adults? Is this going to sabotage relationships? Are they going to get fired from other jobs? Because it's. Never their fault. So the goal of today's episode is to help you understand why teens blame other people. And to help you with tools to foster accountability without. Arguing without the fighting, without the hard feelings and resentment that we can sometimes have towards our kids. And of course, as always, if you need help doing this, I offer a peaceful parenting call where you can jump on with me and for 30 minutes. We will troubleshoot all of it together.
The first one is understanding why teens, my mother's. The second is to know why this behavior is concerning to parents. The third one is pitfalls to avoid when you're trying to correct this type of behavior. And then the last one is strategies to help foster accountability. So you're definitely going to want to stick around. For that last portion, because that's where we're going to get into the nitty-gritty of what to do. So let's start. With understanding. Why do teens blame others? And I have to say this.
Physiologically. It can make more sense. Why they point the finger elsewhere? Emotionally. Blaming others is often a defensive mechanism. So that they don't feel inadequate or ashamed. It's fascinating to me yesterday. I was just reading.
And this mom felt so bad about herself. And our kids will do this and people in general. If they feel like they have been caught doing something wrong. Or if they are feeling shame or embarrassment, they will flip the script on us so that we are the ones carrying the guilt and shame and they can feel better. And how thoughts about them. And we'll say things about them.
And again, this is a generalization and it's on a spectrum. So your kid may be extreme on one end or the other. Or somewhere in the middle. But you have like this perfect storm for them. To be really worried about what people think about them, especially their peers. And so they're going to deflect. And blame as a way to calibrate. How they feel about themselves. Protect their image.
And then we tie on family dynamics. How perfectionistic are you? Or your partner or their siblings that they look up to. We've got family patterns like perfectionism, or if we're overly critical, lack of accountability. Your family dynamic can also influence how this is happening. And I just want to say it is never too late to change that family dynamic or to improve upon it.
We are trying to avoid or create some kind of emotional or physical. Sensation for ourselves. Your kids are no different. And so when you can understand the next time your kid tries to blame somebody else. I want you to ask yourself the question, what are they trying to avoid? By deflecting accountability in this situation. Or what are they trying to create? And that's going to be a really good conversation starter when you can kind of. Pick at what's going on for them in the certain situation. It's going to give you a lot of clarity. As to how to best support them.
Maybe they can't be imperfect in their heads. Because that means they're awful and not worthy of love and not as a really valuable conversation to have with them. For example. All right. The second portion is why. This bait behavior. Often concerns, parents. The first and foremost is fear. We fear for their future. Are they going to be. Unproductive unkind.
If they never take responsibility. Which makes us feel very scared, which when we're scared we can go psycho on them, micromanage everything, blow up their phone. Then that doesn't work. So we just completely say I give up and we throw up our hands and then we do nothing. And then things continue and then we try to micromanage again.
Being concerned about this behavior is a good thing. Only in as much as it raises awareness of what's going on. Beyond awareness. It is generally unproductive. And I suggest. Telling your brain that it's okay. That is developmentally normal. They're figuring a lot of things out. They most likely are not going to be a failure of an adult. And you can best help them not be a failure. By implementing the tools that I'm going to teach you.
30 minutes with me, my friend, you'll walk away with more confidence, clarity, and understanding of what the issue is and your next best step in resolving any Any situation you bring to me, it's completely free. I love families and want to help yours be wildly happy and successful. Book this call by visiting my website, heatherfraser.
With the expressed intent of getting your kid to listen. Without first seeking to understand. Constant reminders, lecturing. Nagging can push kids further into that defensive position. Or fully rebel against you. Or you're going to have one that yields. Or you could have one that just gives up trying altogether.
How could they you're right. You, you are the victim here. We don't want to fix everything for our kid, because we're essentially mitigating. Consequences, which is how we learn. We don't want to take on our team's responsibilities that reinforces the bad behavior. I live and learn. Live and learn my friends as the years go by consequences only become more significant for your child.
Belittling. It backfires. Which can lead to more blame. And shifting as a coping mechanism because they don't want your shame and your overreaction. So they are going to double down on their efforts that it's not their fault.
Show some compassion. Because we all have those same human emotions and it doesn't mean you have to allow the behavior, but you can understand their perspective because you've probably been there. And to, to be able to commiserate with them and then show them the better way. Which is section four. The strategies that you can use to foster this accountability. First and foremost, as the parent, as the leader in the home. It is imperative that we create a safe environment for mistakes.
And we were like, that's so naughty of you. Because we knew it was age appropriate and that's actually just how they have to learn. Same thing. Your teen failing is just an opportunity for them to learn. It is imperative in the learning process to fail. Normalize it. Talk about your failings. Just as matter of fact, because they really are. You want to ask open-ended questions? Don't use the word.
And of course the best way to teach this is by modeling accountability in our own lives. You can share examples either verbally through stories. Or simply set the example for them to observe. Accountability is actually a strength, not a weakness. And we've got to show them this through our example. And then we also can set clear expectations. Sometimes they're very amenable.
We described the sensation of the emotion and then we just make space for it to be there and recognize that no emotion lasts forever. That emotions aren't problems. They're just part of the human experience and we make space for that emotion to be there. Should it want to stick around? It's not a problem. Your teen acting this way is challenging and it's a normal part of development. That can be vastly improved with your positive example and unconditional love.
Heather is the one, an expert in the field. She knows her parenting stuff, including how confusing it can be. You've tried it all, and it's a lost cause. Crying in the closet cause you failed at being a mom. But think again, there's peace around the corner. And there's hope in your hands Your kid just wants your love And you want it from them So take a pivot in the right step Through pivot parenting you can