¶ Self-Inucleation
So how's your week been ?
Oh , my birthday was amazing . Yeah , happy birthday . Yeah , it's my Nan Hallease , isn't it ? So we got busy . Oh , is it Hallease as well On the 19th ?
Oh , I don't know that , because puppies is the same birthday as you . Is it ? It is , it is you and puppy are birthday twins , yeah .
And I've taken Hallease up to Norwich to do some shopping . She wants to get her eyebrows waxed and her nails done , does she ?
Oh yeah , she's at that age , yep .
She constantly wants to put makeup on , Does she ? Yeah ? So I bought like a little start of makeup kit , like foundation and like clown makeup whatever else you put on your face , I don't know .
I don't know , I'm not about it any time of day Out of my space . Yeah , I'm a joy to live with . Oh , I can imagine so what else you've been up to .
Now , now sun's come out , though . No , yeah , we've got a little bit of summer coming our way . Oh , so happy about it . Yeah , and it's supposed to be really nice the weekend actually . So I think we're going car shopping at the weekend , so that's not going to be great . I don't mind car shopping , but I do need a day to just do like .
I just want to land the garden for the day . Yeah , that's what I want to do , and I want to be fed and I want to be watered and I want to be changed .
I don't want to have to move Now . I'm glad that finally we've got some nice weather and we've got some sun and the skies are nice and blue instead of being overcast , and really yeah , it does make a difference , doesn't it ? It does . So yeah , but full disclosure , we're recording this before I go on holiday .
So because I'm sure when I get back from holiday and we've record the next podcast , I'm going to be like oh , I had an amazing holiday , how was your birthday and all that ? So yeah , that's true , just so you know . Right , random blam go after you A random blam . My biggest fear is zombies .
Yeah .
Yeah , and I live my life around that fear , so I have pretty much always got some kind of weapon to hand just in case shit goes down and you know , the zombies come and get me .
OK , well , I'll base on that then . My random blam is that I'm absolutely terrified of going over a bridge and driving into the water , like that's my absolute worst fear .
So much so that when we're looking for cars now and Josie's like oh , this one's a three door , I'm like no , because if we go in that water the kids ain't coming out because there's no doors on the back .
I mean , yours is a very realistic fear , and I feel like mine is a realistic fear , although you know , when I say that to people , they go well , that's never going to happen . But I'm not too sure .
It's not really something that happens a lot Like when I said to Josie I was like we can't have a three door car because you know we go in that water , that's it . And she's like , oh , for all the other times when we've had a five car door and we've been in the water .
We've been five . That was good .
Lucky we had five doors , but obviously that's not something that's going to be happening . But I have been watching a lot of TikToks recently where the divers go in the water and they pull out the cars .
I've watched some of those lately as well . Not happy about that , no , it's terrifying .
Lost loved ones and things and it's got . Yeah , what terrifying , oh horrendous .
But should you have the windows up or should you have the windows down ?
Well , my thought is that I'm ready for it . Like the windows going down you can't open your door because of the pressure , but the window down you can get out . But what I have read as well is that , depending on , obviously , where you go in , if it's just like a , not a deep river or anything like that , then you can let the car settle .
Once the car settled , you can open . The pressure equalizes , you can open your door .
Oh yeah , I'm sure I'd be settled , just calm and collected I'll just sit here and wait , just wait To sink all the way to the bottom of the river Should breath in . I sit there patiently . No I would be freaking out .
Yeah , window open , seatbelt off , Zoom , I'm out before we've even hit the water . We wouldn't yeah .
I mean , you don't you know if you're taking advice from this , which I'm sure everyone is ? Yeah , don't take seatbelt off before your car hits the water .
No , I've planned . I'm seatbelt off out the window before we . Well , you will be . Yeah , you will be out the window .
Yeah , that's fine . That's the thing .
Oh , because I'm not trapped in that car . Yeah , I'm alright , am I ?
alright about that . Seatbelt on window open . Hit the water . Once the initial wallop has hit , take seatbelt off . Get out the window .
Yeah , you've also got the pressure of the wall coming in , though , so I don't think it's going to be quite as easy as just getting out the getting out the window .
Yeah , but once the once the water has gone over the like doorway and you're like filling up like that you would be able to open it or not even opening , like I'd go out the window .
Yeah , I'm not happy about where this conversation is going to be honest , this one's going to make you feel funny , right .
I don't like it . I don't like the title a bit . It freaked me right out . I was like our exact messages was what shall I title your episode ? And you just sent me the title of the episode , yeah , and I put , oh God , why All in capitals .
God . Yeah , those are the next motion marks .
Sorry , idiot . Well , before we do that , morning Morning , morning morning , I was waiting for it Morning , morning .
You can't help yourself . Now I can't . Hello , hello , I'm back .
Hi , morning morning , no , morning morning . Yeah , it follows into my actual life though , because I go out and people go morning . I go and I have to really restrain not to go Morning , morning or morning Hello .
Morning morning . Morning morning , yeah , so this one I am . I didn't know what to title it to be honest what , and you decided you'd land on that . Yeah , so the title of the episode , as you've rightly seen , is I clawed out my own eyes and this is the story of Kaylee Muthart . Oh , Kaylee . No , kaylee , why so ?
The term for removing one's eyes is called self-inucleation , or also known as auto-inucleation , and it is the self-inflicted removal of the eye . It is considered a form of self-mutilation and is normally caused by psychosis , paranoid delusions or drugs Trigger warning .
trigger warning , trigger warning , trigger warning .
There is mention of people clawing out their eyes . So , between 1968 , to believe this or not and 2018 , which is what ? 50 years , there were more than 50 documented cases of complete or partial self-inucleation in England . Start the hell up .
Are you serious ? 50 people 50 people .
That's one a year . It's gone . No , I'm not Just take them out .
Do you know what I'm over these eyes ?
I hate the sight of that . They're coming out , oh God . So today I'm going to tell you the story of 20-year-old Kaylee Muthart . Don't like it already .
Sorry , it's very Jeepers , creepersy yeah .
It's not great . Kaylee Muthart lived in Anderson in South Carolina Up until the age of 17 , she had been a straight A student . She always done really well at school . She was even in the National Honor Society , which I don't know what that is , but that sounds good . It's impressive Somewhere you want to be , doesn't it ? When you're in school ?
Yeah , the National .
Honor Society .
¶ Kayley's Downward Spiral Into Drug Addiction
But after that her grades began to slip . She got a part-time job and she worked every hour that she could because she wanted to save up for a car . She'd also missed a lot of school due to a health condition I think she had like a heart arrhythmia sort of condition .
She'd missed a little bit of school there and she just kind of couldn't keep up with her studies . So her grades had started to slip . So what she decided to do , the best thing for her was to just take some time off of school .
So she thought it would be better to have a break and take some time off of school and go back at it when things had settled down rather than just carry on like plugging through and getting bad grades . Because she was hoping for a scholarship , like a college scholarship , because she wanted to study marine biology oh , love that . I know that's such a thing .
When I was at school Everybody wanted to be a marine biologist . By the age of 18 , kaylee had started drinking socially but sort of like quite frequently , and she also began smoking weed .
But she always said that she stayed away from any sort of more serious drugs because she had quite an addictive personality and it was something that ran in her family as well addiction so she didn't want to get into anything heavier .
I also found reference to the fact that she was a young mother , and I found information that she'd fell pregnant when she was 18 and gave birth to a little girl , but there's no other mention of the child throughout the story , or the pregnancy or anything like that .
There's not much about it at all , but it is documented that she also had a child when she was 18 .
Maybe it's a vicious rumour .
Maybe . And then at the age of 19 , while at a house party , kaylee , she smoked a joint . She's always sort of around these group of friends and they were her , you know . She felt quite comfortable to do drugs with them .
But she smoked a joint that made her feel very different to normal and it gave her this like incredible hire and she obviously kind of wanted that again and she would later Google the symptoms that she had .
So it was like a numb lips which she would never normally get with smoking weed , and she said she had this feeling of being on top of the world and she came to learn that the marijuana that she had smoked had been laced with either cocaine or crystal meth . Now , my knowledge of drugs is incredibly non-existent .
Okay , so I don't know what the difference between crystal meth and meth , or you know how it's ingested or anything like that . So if I get these wrong I do apologise , because my knowledge of drugs is just non-existent .
If you're going to talk about something , you could have at least done your research properly and gone out and you know , cracked up .
Tested some , because this marijuana doesn't give me numb lips . Yeah .
How about this one ?
Absolutely no intention of ever trying drugs or doing anything , or even knowing what they are , but anyways , the marijuana that she smoked had been laced with a much harder drug , and this soon led to a massive downward spiral in Kayleigh's mental health and she ended up quitting her job .
And she never ended up going back to school to finish her studies , and her relationship with her long-term boyfriend had started to break down . And what made things worse as well is that at the time , she was suffering with undiagnosed bipolar disorder .
Though her moods were either super manic or , you know like incredibly up or incredibly down , and when her relationship with her long-term boyfriend finally ended , she had a mental breakdown .
So to help her cope , she began smoking weed even more regularly and drinking to like to excess , and she'd now started taking the drug Xanax , which again , I believe that's an American drug . We don't have that over here , do we ?
No , I think it's quite addictive yeah .
So Kayleigh also would later find out that her undiagnosed bipolar disorder made her more susceptible to drug abuse .
And then , despite finding a new job for herself , having kind of lost her boyfriend and because of her drug addiction and things like that , she'd lost a lot of her close friends as well she became very lonely and very unhappy and she kind of yearned for that happiness that she'd felt when she'd had that laced marijuana .
So , whilst in the presence of an acquaintance , which I took to mean drug dealer , kayleigh tried smoking . Yeah , kayleigh tried smoking meth for the first time . No , and this is how she described her experience . I stayed up for nearly three days and experienced hallucinations I wasn't expecting .
When I looked in the mirror , I thought I saw blackheads coming out of my face and I spent an hour picking at my skin until I drew blood . Oh God . Now , this is why I've chosen this story , because it just baffles me . Yeah , somebody went . God , that experience was absolutely awful . This is the damage I have done . I'm going to do that again .
Yeah , I'm going to try that one again . It's hard though , isn't it ? It's really difficult . How many times have you heard people that have got absolutely pissed as a fart and they go famous saying I'm never drinking again ?
Yeah .
The next morning when they're in pain and they're still throwing up and all that . And then you know hair of the dog and knocking it back and you think why'd you keep doing it ? I've never been that person .
No , me either , I've never been that person I've never been .
I mean , obviously I have got drunk , but I'm just not someone that enjoys that feeling , so I don't do it .
Yeah . So there's a time that I got incredibly inebriated ones and I won't do that again . I'll never have done that again . Yeah , because I didn't enjoy it . That's why I mean there's a lot more to the story than that .
But anyways , because of the damage that she'd done to her face like picking at the hallucinated blackheads and the scratches and things , and she'd drawn blood , so she'd obviously got a lot of damage on her face she was too embarrassed to go to work that evening and when she sobered up she saw that there was a video on her phone that she'd filmed while she was
on meth and what she saw just really shocked her . She was like she said that she didn't recognise the girl in the video , that it wasn't her , she was erratic and she didn't stop like chattering and it kind of scared her enough to steer clear of meth for the time being and she would instead go on to start taking ecstasy . Oh God . But anyway , she filmed .
It was a safer option because she knew a lot of people that used it quite regularly and they described the high as just it was just like a party drug . So they took it when there was out parties and it just kind of made them feel free . Yeah , she was like great , that's what I want , give me the ecstasy .
But while on ecstasy , kayley became obsessed with studying the Bible and , due to her inebriated or higher state while reading it , she began to believe that in order to become closer to God , she needed to take meth . Pretty sure that's not in the Bible . I feel like she's misinterpreted it somehow .
Nowhere in the Bible does it say thou should get fucked off your nut on crack . Thou needs to take meth Rob .
Buy it from Gary down the road , Gary . And it was at that point in Kayley's life that she began smoking meth and within two months of starting the meth journey she had progressed from smoking it to snorting it and then injecting it as often as she could . I didn't know you could do that , yeah yeah , I just have no knowledge of it .
And Josie said to me one time about a Coke nail well , I think it's something on the telly .
Oh yeah , about Coke now .
And I was like I thought it was for them to undo the top of a can because it slides under easy and you can proper open the can . But that's not what a Coke now is apparently You're a precious candle lamp .
Yeah , never change , never change . Don't want to be ruined .
But during this time , Kayley's mum , Katie , quickly realised that her daughter needed help but said she felt very helpless to actually do anything because Kayley had left home at 17 and then from then hadn't had a permanent residence .
She'd just been like sofa surfing and living with different friends and things , and so she tried to avoid seeing her mum as much as possible so that she didn't get lectured or she didn't have to . Her mum wouldn't see the state that she was in and realised the gravity of the situation .
And whenever Kayley's mum Katie she tried to help her , Kayley always refused the help . She wouldn't commit to going into a rehab or a psychiatric unit . She didn't think that she needed to . She thought that she was in charge of her drug taking and that she only took it when she wanted to take it . She didn't think that she was addicted .
She felt like she could stop whenever she wanted . And that's obviously not the case . And because Kayley hadn't shown any signs of being a danger to herself , her mum couldn't have her committed Right . She knew that that's kind of what she needed . She needed to be somewhere and monitored .
But because she's not ever displayed symptoms of wanting to harm herself or anything , then it just wasn't an option .
God , you'd feel so scared , wouldn't you ? You'd feel like you'd just lost your child , seeing them just having no proper address . You know that they're taking drugs , yeah .
It is . I think she'd lost her job as well because of the drug taking . She'd lost her other job that she'd just got .
¶ Kayley's Meth Addiction and Self-Inflicted Blindness
But a few months after the initial meth taking , things were very different for Kayley , and on the 4th of February 2018 , kayley's mum approached her again with the idea of going to rehab , and this time Kayley actually agreed to go , but the programme would start . She said I'll agree to go , but I'm not going until next week .
So that was fine , and during that conversation between Kayley and her mum , she'd mentioned to her mum that she didn't want to live in this world anymore as it was too evil . And unbeknownst to Kayley , that conversation was recorded . So Kayley , her mum , then had evidence that she was a harm to herself . She didn't want to be in the world anymore .
She was thinking of suicide , so she could finally get a court order in order to get her committed .
But the next day , which was Mondays it was Monday , the 5th of February despite her friend's best efforts to stop her , kayley bought some more meth from her local drug dealer and injected a larger dose than she'd ever done before , and her hire continued into the morning of Tuesday , the 6th and she'd been awake for 48 hours .
She wasn't just high , she was hallucinating as well , and she believed that the friend that she'd gotten hired with had gone to church . So she wanted to meet up with her friend . So she travelled along the railway track that led to the church .
And it was 10.30am in the morning and despite it being bright sunshine out , to Kayley everything looked really dark and really gloomy and everything was like really sort of depressive .
And apart from a light post that was in the distance , she could see a light post and it was very bright and it was quite vibrant , and she saw a white bird perched on top of it .
And upon seeing the bird , kayley had the realisation that someone had to sacrifice something in order to rid the world of its evil , and she knew that she was the person to do that . There was no doubt in her mind at all that that was what she had to do .
So , in her hallucinative state , kayley thought that the world would end and everyone that she loved would die if she didn't tear out her eyes immediately . And she was 100% sure that that's what she had to do , that that burden alone fell to her . So in order to save the world , she had to rip her eyeballs out .
Oh God , I can't even touch my own eye . I'm not one of those . But you know , when someone goes oh , I've got something in my eye , and then I go plop it out . That's not me .
She didn't even really like hesitate about it . She said there was a moment where she kind of was like on on her hands and needs sort of pounded the ground going . Why me , why me ?
But at that point one of her flatmates like the someone that she was room sharing with had driven past and and saw her and shouted out the window and just sort of asked her you know , I've locked , I've locked the house if you got another key . And she took that as a sign from God that she was the key to saving the world .
She was like , oh well , he's , he's just confirmed it , and isn't he ? I am the key to say , he's just asked me if I have a key and I am the key .
That's mad , and I think that's someone like making things fit . Do you know what I mean ?
like making it fit what you're already sort of thinking is called confirmation bias , in that if you're thinking something , any outward it's thing comes in confirms what your your belief called confirmation bias is really interesting actually . But yeah , if you truly believe something , then anything that you hear you make fit your belief .
So , without hesitation , kaylee pushed her thumb , forefinger and middle finger into each of her eyes . How can you even do that ? She gripped each eyeball . Oh , I twisted them and then pulled until each eye popped out of its socket .
Oh my God , how would you not even pass out with pain ? I can't even tell you how gippy that makes me feel . It's making me ice water . Oh God , it's turning my stomach .
Kaylee said she didn't feel any pain at all . No pain . So I'm guessing the meth kind of you know covered that . But she said she said that , although she didn't feel any pain . So it was a huge struggle and it was the hardest thing that she'd ever had to do , which , you know , I just can't even imagine what that would take for her to do .
But a pastor from the church that she'd been on her way to she was near the church Pastor . What creepy pastor . The pastor from the church nearby heard her yelling at the top of her lungs and she was yelling I want to see the light . She was just screaming . That's what she was screaming . And the pastor man ran .
Was it your impression of him running Like that ? Ran over to her and Aye , aye , what's ?
going on here , morning morning , morning morning .
And he obviously saw . You know , that Is she in her hands . She had each eye , but she had each eyeball in her hand and she'd crushed them . She not only ripped them out , she'd crushed them . And what makes it even worse , kate , is that they were still attached .
Oh God , I don't know .
I don't know why that makes it so worse , but it just makes it so much worse that they were still attached .
It can't be any worse . That's so horrendous .
But the pastor restrained her as much as he could , and it's a bit late now , yeah , he , because she was so high and so , you know , hiked up on drugs . It actually took about seven or eight men to hold her down before the paramedics could get to her . And they , jesus , she just won't let anybody near her .
So the paramedics actually had to sedate her with ketamine before they could kind of you know , the pastor was probably thinking like she's possessed , yeah , absolutely , the power of Christ compels you . The power of Christ compels you , yeah . And she was kind of like , oh , it's not like the devil's it . Oh my gosh , it's at the end of like the gore bit .
Yes , okay , because , yeah , it's Making me feel bad . Sorry .
But once she was sedated , once the paramedics got there and they sorted her out , then she was sedated , she was transferred onto a stretcher and airlifted to the nearby hospital and devastating Lee . This is just awful . Haley's mum had been on her way to the courthouse with this evidence to get her daughter committed .
She was like just she was like a day too late , oh God , which is sad . But at the hospital doctors had to perform emergency surgery to fully remove Haley's eyes and prevent infection . But there was absolutely no way they could save her sight . She damaged the optic nerve and she smushed her eyeballs .
So Haley woke up in hospital two days later and she was fully aware of what she'd done . She remembered everything and she knew that she was now completely blind .
And over the course of the next two weeks she suffered from severe headaches behind her eyes , like the sockets , and in her temples , behind the eyes sockets , and would continue to suffer for several months with these . But she determined not to take any drugs to help .
There was this I can't remember the drug Tylenol maybe , oh yeah , she would take but nothing else .
That's like Paracetamol .
And every day yeah , every day a painkiller like we would take paracetamol , paracetamol , but she didn't want to take anything else , because she didn't want to start that addiction again , and while she'd been in the hospital she hadn't experienced any withdrawal symptoms from the meth and that she was off drugs now , so she didn't want to risk anything else .
She also spent a few weeks in a psychiatric facility .
Tending my eyes .
Uh-huh . So while she was in this psychiatric facility , she was finally diagnosed with bipolar disorder and she was given the correct medicine and she underwent a lot of therapy to now sort of come to terms with the fact that she was going to be blind for the rest of her life . And from that point on , there isn't much known about Kaylee anymore .
She's got a very quiet life . She's not sort of public about what happened and things , but it is known that she went back to . She went to a school for the blind and she finished . She finished her schooling . I don't know what she studied , but she finished her schooling at the school for blind . She learned Braille .
She hasn't done any drugs since the incident in 2018 . And in 2020 , she received a new pair of prosthetic eyes . Oh , so , although they didn't , you know , function , they were eyes and she's she said she's actually happier now than she ever has been .
That's hideous . Yeah , I was not prepared for that Sorry . Oh , I know .
I am , oh God , adjust it Just couldn't believe it , isn't it incredible ?
That was even a thing .
Yeah , that was even a thing . That's nice what the human body can do yeah .
So have you got any information about these 50 people in the last 50 years that have done this ? Were they also on drugs , or does it happen for an ?
array of it's normally caused by psychosis , paranoid delusions or drugs , and I'm guessing the drugs would induce the paranoid delusions and the psychosis . So it's not going to be a sane person . That just you know . I'm going to tear out my eyes .
It's normally , you know , hallucinative .
What should ?
I do today .
I know , or out my eyes .
I feel it'd be easier for me because I've got big eyes .
Yeah , you could probably grab them quite easily yeah .
I could probably pretty much get older the side of them oh gosh . No , I'm funny about anything to do with eyes or kneecaps .
It's horrible .
Horrible .
Yeah , I can't watch .
I'm talking to Claire and she goes yeah , just need to take out my contact lenses , don't tear out your eyes . I'm like , oh God , and I like it . I don't want to be around it .
Yeah .
She's forbidden from taking her contact lenses out without giving me prior warning . Can't stand it .
That's fair enough .
Yeah , no , that's awful and horrendous .
Yeah .
I dread to think of any pictures that I might find . I'm thinking that when I do the YouTube edit for this , there's probably other than like pictures of her and maybe where she lives there's probably not going to be any pictures I don't want to post any pictures of like people's eyes hanging out .
Yeah yeah , there isn't any . There's no graphic pictures . There are pictures of her , you know of her before and after , but there's no graphic pictures or anything . So don't worry guys .
It's incredible , isn't it , that the power of chemicals drugs , chemicals , things that we put into or we introduce to our bodies and the reaction that it has , like both good and bad .
Her hallucinations is something that really really perplexes me . Actually , the fact that your brain can show you something that isn't real yeah , that really perplexes me .
The fact that she fully believed that the world was going to end , or that she fully believed that she had these blackheads on her face that she could see and she was trying to get them yeah , that really really baffles me that it's real . How could your sight show you something that isn't there ?
Just drugs just terrify me and I won't even try a bit of a vape or anything . It just terrifies me , You're so good yeah . But saying that I do get poison put in me every three weeks .
Yeah , I mean , that's not my choice , but yeah .
I mean if someone was going to go .
Let's drop some chemo tonight . You've already done it . Done it Over it .
I already had loads of it , so I hate the thought of something foreign , like in my body . I hate the thought of that . So when I have chemo , the thought of the chemo makes me so sick . I don't think it's the chemo that makes me sick , I think it's the key , like the thought of it in my body . You're repulsed , just fine , yeah .
Just medication .
I hate the thought of these things in my body .
I don't like it , yeah , and like chemo is brutal as well , isn't it ? Chemo , like , kills the good stuff as well as like the bad stuff , so it makes you feel like shit . But yeah , yeah , hideous , hideous , yeah . You have to find your rock bottom , and I guess for Kaylee it was pulling her own eyes out that she was like maybe I won't do that anymore .
But no , drugs are not for me . They've never really been for me . I'm a whoopsie when it comes to things like that . It scares me , yeah , and now this has scared me even more . So definitely no chance . Drugs , guys ? Exactly , I'll stick to my caffeine addiction .
I've even come off of caffeine . You know , I've been having lovely lemon water .
Oh God , you are boring .
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¶ Love for Jacket Potatoes With Cheese
Jacket potato is my favourite . I love jacket potato . What do you have on your jacket ? Just cheese . She said to me yesterday . She was like right , that's enough cheese on your plate .
And I was like oh , she cut you off , she cut the whole thing off .
She was like intervention , intervention , and then I saw me eating the rest of my jacket potato like a few stuff . All my cheese now .
And I was really sad about it . So you just had tater , just tater , just naked tater , just naked tater .