WHY STAY!!! Part 1 The Courage to Seek Change

We actually came up with a series to end the year out , the Y series , and today our topic is Y stay . Take it for what it's worth . Tongue in cheek , whatever that means . What do you mean , Trisha ? Why stay ? Well , stay with us , yeah .

So 2024 is going to be amazing . I'm going to claim it , put it in the universe . It's going to be good . But until then , we want to keep this train moving and so we're going to ask you we appreciate your support , but also show us some love by subscribing .

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So there's some food for thought . Before we get into the Y series , I want to kind of give a lob and set up the next series . I'm not going to give you the why we will discuss in the next series , but I just we have a phenomenal speaker . I'm so excited . Try not to be emotional with this one . It's a 180 moment .

Well , so it's not a 360 , is 180 halfway , not a full circle moment , but close enough . I remember seeing her . Her name is Genevieve Peturo . You can look her up . I don't want to give too much because I want you to tune in and listen , but she said something .

She was on Oprah years ago and it connected , never left my side and when I literally went almost I don't want to say stalking , because you shouldn't stalk , that's stalking is bad . It's talking is bad , don't stalk . But I was like , listen to me , I need you on my show and thank God , the universe , everyone , she will be here .

So the next series , listen to this one through , but follow us on the next one . So now we get to today's topic . Why stay ? I love it , it was funny . So I'm going to tell you , tell me and I this was the first topic we actually I'm not gonna say debate- over you agreed , Are you know ?

And , sam , we , we just need to hear each other and listen to each other and Get rid of this myth that we have to agree on everything because we want and it's okay . So I'm done . Now to the top of gay . Hey , why stay this comment ? This has been in a universe . I see it around me . I it came up to right after the pandemic . They called it .

You know the great resignation when people were leaving . For those of you that know me and know my story , I recently went through some changes . You know , stick around next episode to see if I get any deeper . Will she , won't ? She ? I don't know . But as far as why , I say now With the great resignation , has been a lot of question why ? Why the change ?

What happened ? What happened where Americans decided I don't need a big home anymore , let's downsize . You know tiny homes where I think you know I don't need . You know these big corporate jobs . I want to make my own the gig economy , all these wise marriages , divorces in an all-time high . People are changing . Why stay ? Why stay one step ?

So for me , I want , and I really want to repeat this because this was a huge statement , full disclosure . This is this is from Simon Sinek and for those of you who aren't aware of Simon Sinek , he Did a great author , but the book series that I just finished was and I'm taking a training class and it's to that leaders eat last .

For those of you , have them read it . I he's not a sponsor , would mind it , but he's not . I really just think that you know it's a powerful information there . It's it's more corporate facing , but I'm a strong believer that anything that happens in corporate has a lot to do our personal relationship . He posed the question .

Several good questions , but this one , I think , really got to me . It says the price that we pay for the perception of stability comes at our own cost , on its own cost . I'm gonna say that again , the price that we pay for the perception of stability Comes at a cost .

Right , you know , we believe , we believe we're safe , you know , in all types of all forms of life , where that's professional or personal or whatever , and we tend to gravitate towards that and I know later on I'll I'll talk about some of the stuff that I brought up , but that whole perception of safety is a very strong Draw right .

I mean it makes people Avoid doing oftentimes what they know is probably the right thing to do .

Because the re , because there's , because in perception there's a dose of reality . So and and that's a heavier conversation because the reality is the reason why I'm not going to be there , the reason why we perceive things a certain way . Sometimes it's a need for it to be that way , it's a desire for that to be that way . So let's keep it simple .

So let's talk about Jobs . It's commonplace and Everyone , if we have an experiences , we typically know someone who has stayed and complained the whole time , just

unhappy . Get up and go to work every day , you know , scruff at people , just unhappy . And then you want to say and we perhaps it , if it's that bad , leave . And then what do you get ?

And I remember I came out of school I went to go work for a hotel and within a year of working for the hotel , I remember calling him as a dad I'm gonna change , I'm gonna go work for another hotel . Oh my god , you're a job hopper . You're a job hopper , and I thought you know it's a different generation .

I mean , you know some of the stats we'll talk about later . Yeah , he spent his entire career and I mean within three years I was on my third hotel and you know we all kind of Look at that as a form of advancement , right , and but some people will settle into one job .

They just get comfortable and that , that's the place for them and and you know , other things take , you know Arnaz are , you know , take precedence , so they just stay in the same job and they just kind of go through the grind .

But one thing that stayed with me when she says , don't walk the world looking for evidence that you don't belong , because you'll always find it , and so that's a lot of reason why we stay , you know it's like well , at least I know where I fit .

Well , at least I know where I belong , I know my place , or I know what I'm doing , or I haven't understanding of this . You know as if you can't fit somewhere else or you don't belong . But when you the the greater message in a statement , once you belong to you and have a sense of who you are and where you are , you belong .

Everywhere you go , you fit , and the reality is the place that you are presently staying being in a job or a marriage and we'll get to that a relationship . You started from zero there , you had to learn there , and then , especially for us more seasoned people , it's like well , I'm too old to learn something new To start over again .

And at this point in my life it's too late for me . It's too late for me and I really want us to make sure we get through the year with the self-checking . And I was blessed not too long ago , a couple of months ago , to meet a lady who had a change . She didn't lose a job , she just had someone encourage her to try .

And they was like well , put yourself out , there had been on the same company 40 years , 40 . And so . And then in her mind she said , well , we couldn't hurt and just throw it out there , expecting like at least I could say I tried , and then she got the job . And then she was like oh my god , this is scary , I have to learn .

And I was like but you're growing .

I mean , I go back to my father and he worked for the same company his whole life and he had a country club and the benefits were amazing and it was almost like the company was an extension , was a person , and everybody talked about oh , we've got to be good because the company is good to us .

That dynamic that has changed quite a bit now and people still try to buy into that narrative and it's just . It's not true . A company is not a person . It's a very insensitive , unfeeling , unemotional creation . And so I think people have started to realize and wake up to the fact that the company , short of a paycheck , doesn't owe you anything .

Right , I mean , it's not like a friend that you say I have an expectation that you're going to be compassionate towards me or show sympathy , or if I get pregnant you'll take care of me , or if I'm sick you'll allow me to take time off . It's not that .

And so , as time has evolved and businesses have evolved and I think COVID accelerated that One of the reasons we used to love to go to work was the water , cooler conversations . All my friends are there . It got to the point where work was becoming so engrossing for people that their friends and their colleagues were the same people right .

So now , all of a sudden , I don't want to leave because these are my friends , so it became even more of a draw . So did COVID kind of break that bind , that association ? Because fewer people now go to work , fewer people go into an office , fewer people have that social linkage with their friends being the people they work with .

So that's an important question and maybe it's easier now for you to . Well , first of all , it's certainly easier to go on LinkedIn now from home than it was when you were sitting in an office full of people . I mean those things .

It's certainly easier to also let your mind wander right when you were in an office and you're all working together and there's a dynamic there . We're all working together . That was one thing . But if you get off a Zoom call now or a Teams call , you don't think it went really well . You'd be like , uh , my boss may not have liked what I just said .

I better go on LinkedIn and see what jobs are open , you know , and you could start literally job hunting while at work if you will , and there's certainly a dynamic that has changed in there and then that you're not as connected to your company as you used to be .

You know , I am loyal to a company , and especially back then there was company loyalty and a company was loyal to me and now , like that , you said companies are no longer people and you're not working for Mr Johnny or Mr , you're working for shareholders and stockholders . And then then it's not personal and I think that worth level .

So it changed the conversation because , specifically in corporate America , so now when you look at the research and HRs and it was like , well , people , this is what they value , and they say typically , depending on the , the pay scale , people don't leave jobs , they leave leaders . So because then it becomes a worthiness issue within that organization .

So that's why . So then in turn , how corporations align with that , they say , okay , well , let's offer childcare or let's offer these things . And so they start throwing different benefits . Now , let's stay there benefits and we're going to come back to that .

So these benefits and the company think the more benefits I give you , the more attractive you are to me .

And when you look at it and sign it , senate in his research and data says no really at the end of the day people value the benefit of you seeing me more than anything , and the data shows when corporations truly see their , their employees and they and they service their needs accordingly . It builds solid companies and founded .

it's it's . It's unique because everybody is seen in a different light . You know , I remember when I first entered into management and my first thought was everybody just wants more money , Everybody just wants to be paid more . That's got to be it .

And as you start to study people and you see them , you see that people are very different in terms of what motivates them , Right ? Some people are motivated purely by recognition hey , Trisha did a really nice job on that project and you know that's good enough . Other people are motivated by time off . Other people are motivated by flexible hours .

Other people are motivated by money . Some people are motivated by benefits you know , whether it's a paternity leave or maternity leave or whatever it is . So you can't just say it's all about money . I mean the number of people over the years that I've managed , who I can go back and say they didn't stay for . The money is is significant .

If I negotiate my word to appease you , I the possibility that I could fit in but I don't belong to me . So then I is it . Is it worth it ? And I think that's not just applicable to you know , companies and business . That's in relationships , you know , that's in every aspect .

If I keep changing who I am and to to fit in with you or to be liked by you , or to be cared for you or to be loved by you , then where do I belong ? And if I can't belong to me , if I can't , you know , have loved me and trust me and show up in the way and you see my value and you see my worth and it's amazing in a series .

I really hope that everyone gets the duality between in the wise from our personal and professional . They're interchangeable .

I mean , at some point the mask is going to come off , they're going to see behind the curtain , and so you learn over time that you can't A make somebody love you or , b make yourself into somebody that that person will love , because at some point in time that's going to , that's going to fail you , and so you have to recognize that like a job .

I mean if , if you feel like I'll grow into this , I'll get used to these hours I know my boss is a bit unbearing , but I'm sure I'll get used to it At some point you've got to be , you've got to do some self-awareness and say this is just not working .

And one of the things I mean again , having been a manager for years there are situations where the person is a perfectly good person . They're just not well suited for that job . I mean they're . You know , you hear the special attendee , they're on the wrong seat on the bus and you if you're in the wrong seat .

Yeah , they're in the wrong seat , they're not in the right position . You know they . They should be . They should be doing something different . You know they're . They're not a good fit for your organization or their skill sets don't fit what you really need , and a good manager will try to find the right seat for them on the bus .

But sometimes we just say you don't fit here and we get rid of a perfectly good person and a good employee because we just say that they're not in the right seat .

I'm going somewhere and I squeeze into it and I can put on even a creator of Spanx . That's how she sold them and it's a multi-billionaire . She came in with white pants on no Spanx and men didn't get it . She sold it to a luxury company owned by men and she left the room . But she put Spanx on it on white pants and they said got it sold .

She walked away to contract . But how does it relate to what you're saying ? If I put Spanx on , I can look great for a moment . I can put on a dress , look stunning , have these curves , but I got to take those Spanx off . Midnight comes and stuff start rolling out of all counterparts .

They want the perfect image , the perfect look with the perfect tone of voice , have the understanding , know the language , have all this . But what's inside ? Can you see me ? So that goes back to what I was saying . How do I belong to me and not lose myself ?

So you want to package me marriage , corporations , you want to parade me around relationships , company and you want me to be the spokesperson , arm candy or whatever you want to call it for you or your organization . But can you see me ? Do you still love me when the Spanx come up ? Because that's what you get .

So with corporations , when you say you're on the wrong seat , I am being someone that's been a leader in space and higher . I don't necessarily think . A lot of times people are on the wrong seat . Sometimes Is that you can't see the true value in a person .

You desire to hear me out , and then you can have that , because typically we are higher for position and sometimes , if you really see that person . That doesn't mean that that person doesn't add value . It goes back to say they should be on a bus but in another seat . How much of that is the ?

You're not giving me the real look , say of course you know , I graduated from Harvard ultra magna , some of the cum laude and and I can do this and that and the other , and so you're not presenting yourself .

Women typically have to do at least almost 95 percent . They have to be perfect before they even decide . I will .

So now people are onto that and they find the keywords and they'll pretty much parrot the entire you know job description into their resume so they can get through . So it's it's kind of like this point counterpoint they create something to to catch it and then you figure out a way around it .

So at some point , you know , the employee bears some bear , some blame for perhaps not being in the right seat on the bus .

Preach , adam , preach , and that I believe , if there's ever a way to do a survey , a global study , even just us why people say I think that's the core of it is that that I know what I know and I don't know what I don't know . So I'm afraid to try because I don't know what I'm going to .

So you literally the courage of your conviction over the comfort of your doubt . But then we have all bear witness to this statement about our last days and people , and I said it on a previous podcast . I said , when it's all said and done , I want to leave it empty and I'm working on leaving it empty .

I am going to keep trying and going and testing boundaries and do it because I think it is my Responsibility to humanity as a planet , to whatever that the Creator has given me . Give that and add to it and give that as well .

. Are you familiar with the term Stockholm syndrome ?

And the kidnapping victim would be recovered , you know , would be , uh , saved , rescued , and then they'd be sitting with the police and they'd be like , oh , he really wasn't such a bad person .

I mean , he did give me a glass of water every three days and and the handcuffs really weren't that tight , and you know , the news around my neck was enough for me to breathe and and you're , and , as a normal person , you say , oh my God , that's horrible . How could you endure that kind of treatment ?

But we have this situation where , as human beings , were like it's really not that awful , we almost paint it with a , with a rosy picture , despite what could be perceived as a horrific circumstance .

That's all I could think about when I was reading , when you were reading , your Adam Grant quote , because it's like we do look at circumstances in our jobs and people have some , you know , and we'll talk about it later on just some unreliable or unreasonable requests that our employers will make of us , or our colleagues will make of us , or the way that they

behave , or or the way that certain people treat other people . And then , you know you , you react and they go well , still better than that , you know , the handcuffs aren't that tight . You know , it's amazing .

This is a really I know even though we're laughing at joking and it is a serious topic , but it's one that that it's my hope and my prayer that people just really be more reflective and and and say why you ? And just an evaluation . No one is encouraging anyone to to do anything , but the encouragement is to question where am I and why am I here ?

So that's one thing . But on another powerful note , another great , brilliant person , dr Maya Angelo , said courage is doing what you need to know , what you need to know . Current courage is doing what you know needs to be done before you're forced to do it . So that says it all . I don't think anyone needs any explanation about what that means and that's what .

And then the study showed too , typically , even when people are in bad marriages or bad jobs , they don't leave . And when people the research says that people who have been in bad jobs or that went on to other places , typically wasn't on the court . So again that goes to Maya . Statement about the courage .

And they believe that their motivations are pure and they're sincere , but they're not taking into account , you know , personalize that for a second . Would you go out with three kids in college and a , you know , a $4,000 car payment or a house payment Boy ? That's a hell of a car . And a $1,000 car payment . Would you go out there and make that leap ?

Do you trust yourself that much to do it , or are you comfortable here ? And I believe a part of it is timing . We talked about this the other day . Some of it is okay . Now the time in my life has come where I can do this , or now I have my kids out of college and they're off doing their own thing .

So I think sometimes that people with the purest intentions will tell you how to run your life and you know it's like hey why don't you turn the mirror ? How would you think about the same things ? Because it is safe and warm in some of these situations at Stockholm Syndrome again , where it's like you , you have to put up with it .

But you know , I and I've I've told this story to tree a thousand times the most profound thing a manager ever said to me was my first job in a hotel and he was a mentor to me . Just the way he managed crisis and conflict and people and it was just this three words . It was don't bitch quit . And you say , well , that's .

You know , that's as profound as Coke , is it ? But you know , the idea is don't bitch quit says fix it or live with it . You know that's it . There's really nothing else to it . Because if you become the poison in the well , eventually they'll get rid of you and they'll make that decision for you .

And if and if you don't believe that you can live with it , you should go find a place that you're happier , because you're right , we , we , you know we've only got so so many you know hours in our life and at some point that's going to become so physically debilitating If you hate your job .

There's all kinds of statistics , as you said about how it can lead to mental illness , it can lead to physical illness . It's just not worth it .

It's not my place , not my business , not my monkey , not my circus .

However , one thing I can say is I've been very blessed and fortunate to have a great team of friends and family and circle of love around me , but what I've gotten consistently is Trisha , you're just so bold and you're so courageous and you make steps that people don't make and won't won't make . And I wish I had the courage .

I have and I've created , wanted to create this series because I have heard I wish I had the courage and these last 60 days , maybe then I ever have . I wish I had the courage . I wish I had the courage , and here's my reality I don't . I don't have the luxury . And so let me back up .

I I know what it feels like to be a single mom and live in paycheck to paycheck . I know what it feels like to wonder like , literally , my kids and I were almost homeless , living in a car , not knowing where we're going next . I know it , but I did it anyway , you know . And I've started business and business .

I've had at least four businesses and never had a loan . Never had a loan . I'm not rich . My mom was on welfare .

We came from struggle , but sometimes I start but like , who am I ?

And it goes back to what Renee Brown said I belong to me and if I belong to me , I get to say my work , I get to and companies get to say you're not worth it and it's all fair , but I get to say my worth and I keep going until I I find my place and I find my value , and sometimes it's an aloneness and sometimes it's start over , but at the end

of the day , when I was to say , pull dirt around , pull the dirty , and that's a horrible expression when I pull the dirt around it . It is well with my soul because one thing I know I had the courage to try . So thank you , Perch people , Until we meet again . Next episode will be part two and , Mr Toby , we're in the south now .