Welcome to path to peace with Todd Perelmuter. I'm your host, Todd Perelmuter our world is a projection of our collective consciousness, the more peace we bring into our lives, the more peace we bring into this world. So, let the transformation begin. codependency is when we are sacrificing constantly for a partner or a family member, or an entire family, and we are giving and giving, really out of fear of rejection.
It involves focusing on others at the expense of ourselves trying to control situations and avoiding conflict. Now we can see that codependency is a bit of a double edged sword, because these are really kind, loving giving selfless people. And Jesus could be largely considered codependent. I mean, he was self sacrificing to the extreme and thinking of others, putting others first at the expense of himself. So on one hand, we don't want to
be codependent. But on the other hand, we love people who are and it's admirable, to be that highest ideal. And although in our modern culture, we may be moving away from that we really may be saying that's bad. Of course, the selflessness is not bad, it's the suffering. When we are truly selfless, there is no suffering. There is no bad feelings, resentment, and
there's no fear. All of these feelings are me feelings, they are self focused feelings that we experience from within ourselves from hearing our thoughts and feeling our emotions. When we create this identity, this ego inside of us that is always scorekeeping, keeping track of how much have I given how much have I received how much is others given and have they received? And there is this inherent competition, me versus them. And there can be no
selflessness. And so codependence is really halfway there. To the goal we want to reach on the outside, it is the selflessness it is this loving, sacrificing, giving that ideal mother we all have in our minds, and hopefully father's. But on the inside, we are struggling, we are screaming, raging, we want to be taken care of for a little bit. And it's not wrong to want that we all deserve to receive as well as to give to be nailed to the cross is not everyone's ideal life
path. And that is okay. We all need to figure out that balance. And that's what's really missing when codependency starts to create suffering in our lives. In some societies around the world, and to some extent, in most of the cultures, we train women, especially from a very early age, to be this selfless role model to always be thinking of the family and sacrificing.
And just as I'm saying that, as you may hear, that is a wonderful teaching, and it would be a shame if anyone takes advantage of that beautiful culture and tradition of selfless love. It is such a beautiful part of this world. But when there are people who would take advantage of that, then we have the right to stand up for ourselves, and to refresh ourselves to replenish our spirit to recharge, and restore our energy and our strength. We all need
this time. Even Jesus had to get away from everybody, for 40 days, and to enter that state of deep peace and strength, in order to give his life to his fellow humans and to stand up to the Roman army. And if we don't have 40 days to get away from everything, we always have a little bit of time in the morning. And in the evening, we know we can always go to bed 10 minutes earlier. So we can meditate, we can always set the alarm 10 minutes earlier, so we can meditate in
the morning. And we can fit more of this intentional meet time to get out of that me thinking and to remember who we are. And what we are doing these acts of love for if we are selfless, but in our mind, we're keeping score. Or if we do something for someone else. But in our mind, we're thinking they don't do enough, or is anyone going to do this for me, or I'm going to do this so they do this, then we're not doing a selfless act. We're bargaining a transaction.
An act of selfless love, should never come with conditions. And they should be given away
freely, with no expectations. If we spend our whole lives, doing things for other people, hoping that they do something for us, we are living in a constant battle of manipulation and persuasion, instead of creating more love, more selflessness, and ultimately, more balance, because that is what we always want in our relationships is that genuine reciprocation not manipulated, with bribes, of doing something for someone, or from withholding things from people. And to do this, first we
have to be firm in our body. And in ourselves, we have to know ourselves. We have to love ourselves. And we have to trust ourselves that we are doing the right thing that everyone else is not our job or responsibility. That taking a little time for ourselves to recharge is not only essential and necessary, but it is selfless. It is not selfish, to take care of ourselves. If we do not take care of ourselves, we
literally will die. We need to eat, we need to drink, and we need to maintain our mental health and our inner peace. This means spending some time closing our eyes and getting in touch with ourselves. Just closing our eyes, turns our attention inwards towards ourself. And when we do this, we want to come into contact with our fear that is holding us back this fear of being rejected,
unloved and alone. And recognizing that what that is really coming from is a place of insecurity, that we're not good enough that we don't deserve love, unless we kill ourselves to see serve others, as if a loving relationship is being a person's maid, nanny and therapist, when we take care of others, at the expense of ourselves, and we are getting furious, mentally inside, and we are just raging against this person we love, we are not loving them, we are
not helping them. And we are making it impossible for ourselves to communicate rationally and lovingly, that someone may be hurting us. And if we communicate that in a loving way, if we communicate that our needs are not being met, in a loving way, we can avoid that angry conflict that we were afraid of. And people are more likely to listen openly and honestly. And to look at their own behavior, and to reexamine it.
Only when we make something such a big deal in our mind, and we just blow it out of proportion, it just gets bigger and bigger. And it's like, how could that person not use a coaster? You know, we just get so mad and create this mental story of how could this person, you know, deliberately infuriate me. And then it's going to be impossible to calmly explain to someone to use a coaster, and we're just going to throw the coaster at them at their face.
And so we really have to maintain our inner peace, which is more important than the outer peace because when there is inner peace, outer peace flows naturally, when there is outer peace, we are a pressure cooker waiting to explode. It takes every ounce of effort that we can muster, to stay calm, when we are raging on the inside. And that effort is unsustainable, and eventually there will be a blow up. And this is why we want to take the lid off of that pressure cooker.
We want to be constantly letting off steam, we don't want it accumulating at all. So we have to look at those underlying causes. And beneath fear of rejection is insecurity and unworthiness and a lack of confidence. And something that especially codependent people need to remember is that these are the most giving, loving, kind, wonderful people on the planet, always thinking
of others. And if that is you, you are the last person that needs any insecurity or doubt or worry as to whether someone will love you or people will appreciate you for just being you. It is very likely that someone in your life was very cruel when everything wasn't just right and just perfect. And they made you feel like you did something bad and that you caused their anger. This is the most common experience in codependent people's lives. And this is one of the reasons they walk on
eggshells. They're always trying to manage other people's feelings because they are sensitive, kind, loving souls that cannot as well as some other people handle verbal abuse. And so this codependence becomes a coping mechanism. So the best way to unlearn that codependency is a combination of a little more selfish and a little more selfless. So let me explain what we want to achieve It is a healthy level of selfishness. Now, I don't mean the kind that hurts others.
I mean, the kind that helps our self. I mean that important, me time, that time where we can just love ourselves by giving us some yoga, or giving us our favorite book, or using meditation as a time to examine our thoughts to notice any anger and resentment we're holding on to, that is preventing us from communicating our needs, lovingly, or reexamining our values and beliefs, so that we recognize where our needs are not being met. And we can communicate that as well.
Our job is to take care of ourselves, and to create a meaningful life. That means listening to our intuition, and our instincts, listening to our moral compass. And our highest wisdom, it means understanding who we are, and what we want out of life. And if we communicate that to someone, and they are not receptive, or they refuse to listen, or they disagree, that is their choice, that is their right in life as well. And some relationships need to end and some can be fixed.
We are social creatures, and relationships, and people are messy. We can only control ourselves and our own actions. And the choices other people make are their choices. And just as our fear is that they will take us or leave us if we are not giving them every thing that they need above our own needs. So too, we can get into this mindset of the other person can take me or leave me, I am worth it. I am worthy of love. I am not unworthy. And I am confident and secure. That
I am a great person. I love others, and that anyone would be lucky to have me. That is the mindset that we can get to and we should get to. Because like I said, a codependent person is right up there with Jesus. They just gotta get that inside, right up there. And that is where the second part is. So the first part is selfish. That's meditate yoga, tea with a book, on a lazy Sunday by yourself, you know, whatever that is for you. That will make you a better person, to everyone around you,
is not even selfish. And it is essential to really take some time, examine your life, examine your mind, and decide what is intolerable. And what is an acceptable amount of time for change to occur because family, friends, and romantic partners, as wonderful as they are just like ourselves, we don't change instantly. And it can take a while and we don't want to cut off our loved ones too soon.
So we want to exercise a little bit of patience and kindness and generosity not at the expense of ourselves. And if that means taking some distance as they grow, you know we have so many options, infinite options, always available to us. If we need to remove ourselves so that the other person can see what life is like with about the person who is doing so much for them that they don't even notice, then that's what we need to do, you know, every person will have a different
inner compass. And the only way that we can read that compass is spending a little time by ourselves, close our eyes, and turn inward, and get to know ourselves, get to know what's going on inside. And that takes me to selflessness. Now, this is not the kind of selflessness that involves doing things for other people. This is an internal selflessness. This is about expanding our awareness beyond
ourselves. So that that ego, that voice in our head, doesn't take up our full consciousness, and we are maintaining presence in the here and now, this is to dissolve into the present moment, this is to be invisible to cruel words, cruelty of others, it is the absence of attaching to other people or situations. And the absence of resisting
people or situations. This is to be in that flow state with the universe where there is no separation, we are fully present, we are fully alert and aware of our surroundings, so much beyond just our thinking mind, just ourselves, just our own personal frame of mind point of view, and how we benefit and how we feel, which is the majority of the mindset of most people. In this space, our desires
disappear. And this is what we want this is so much about spirituality is to be free from desires, it doesn't mean we stop trying working, doing things, it simply means that we work towards things, but we don't want any outcome, we just take action towards which will bring about our highest good, and the planets. This is how we become free from all suffering.
Something I like to try to remember, throughout my life, and is especially relevant on this topic is when I interact with people, I try to remember, I don't know what this person is going through. I don't know, if their father just died, I don't know if they just lost a pet just got diagnosed with cancer, or in this case of a family member or a loved one that we do know, has not gone through that so much suffering, well, we don't know is what is the quality of their thoughts, moment to moment.
Because most people that don't return our love are really suffering. Their brain is at constant war with themselves. And they are always struggling. And being kind is a struggle. And it can be very easy for these people to blow up and be angry. And so when interacting with people, I try to remind myself if this person just lost someone, or is really struggling on the inside, how would I want to treat them? How would I want to look back? And what way would I want to treat
them that I can be proud of? And usually what that means is not doing things, but it simply means I want to be most mindful, gentle and kind. And I want to do this with all people at all times. And I think most of us do. But we don't make that a mantra If we don't make it a habit to practice remembering that, and when we do that, it becomes much easier to have difficult conversations with people, because we are coming from such a place of love.
And so I'll leave you just with this little mantra that I love for myself, and I hope you like it as well. And that is, how can I show love and spread joy right now. Again, that doesn't mean I go out of my way to do something for someone who is unappreciative and never shows love back. But what it does do is it gets us out of that me thinking, that self wallowing, that resenting inner anger, and we are able to turn our focus from something negative,
to something positive. And for all of us, but especially codependent people. When I say how can I show love and spread joy right now, you better believe that that includes yourself as well. The most important person in your life. So make sure that you treat yourself as such. Much love. You've been listening to path to peace with Todd Perelmuter. Being here and putting in this important and noble work is one of the greatest gifts you can
give yourself and others. If you found this podcast even a little helpful. Please make sure to leave a review so it can reach others who may be in need. And remember, the path to peace starts with a single step.