Welcome to Round four of the Parenting Roundabout podcast for the week of April twenty fourth. I'm Terry Morrow and I'm with with Nicole Eridicts Hello and Katherine hell Echo Hello. As moms of teens and young adults, we've survived those little kid days, yet we're still rethinking the decisions we've made all through our kids' lives and worrying about what's going on right now. Today's Thursday, which means it's time to give into our obsessing. And today we're obsessing about how adult
kids might be doing better than their parents think they are. Oh, how I hope that is true. Who found this article, Katherine? So you saw this and you thought this is true. We should share this, We should let everybody know they should be So what's it about? Convinced me? Well, well, you know, parents, we have many worries. One of them is, you know, are there adult children, you know, are they at where they should be at for their age? Right? Like
I think it's the whole idea, what's developmentally appropriate? You know, we don't have those developmental milestones for adults right right, right, and so we don't have anything. It probably is because society will definitely keep them in check in and so um so anyway, because these milestones are not there. Uh, it's you know, we might worry that our kids are failing to launch like and also were not moving out because we compare it to our own.
Yes, adulthood and childhood, right, I think is also part of it, right Yeah, so definitely, you know, but apparently our concerns are largely unfounded, are they really? According to a professor of psychology and neuroscience at Temple University, excellent, So has he been watching us? Has he been picking in the windows of our home to see? So? He says, rather than worry, you should be respecting their independence, keeping your opinions
to yourself, embracing collaboration. They keep getting that point, don't they. They really want you to shut up off my daughter study. I have a lot of those worries about I do. Honestly. Maybe it's just my anxiety, but I'm like, Okay, when I was twenty three, I was engaged and getting ready to buy a home, and which is like pretty unrealistic these days. So I need to stop that. Yeah, yeah, this this article says that I don't I don't know exactly how they're defining the timing
and the generations. But that you know it, you know, perhaps our generation, Um, it took like eight years for a young adult to be launched in terms of like out of the house, in living on their own whatever. Um, and now it's thirteen years. So that's that's the sort of like, don't don't compare the thirteen year milestone too to the eight year one. Yeah, and that's where people are struggling. So everybody else, everybody else's kid is doing bad too, So don't worry about. Right,
that does seem to be the point that all depends on on. I mean, there's certainly certain personality things there too, right. I mean I couldn't get out of the house fast enough and I left and came back and left again. And but I can't compare my children to that because I mean, my husband we talked yesterday, was just fine living at home until I got married, and I know other people who did as well. I had friends who lived with their parents until, you know, for for many many years.
So it's not they're my kids are very different than me, right, They're not wanting to move on. So it's it's not just kids today exclusively it's personality too. I'm sure there's kids today who want to get out of the house too, So you can't compare your kid to that kid if it's a different kid. I don't know, I'm rambling, but yeah, I mean it's nice to know that not to worry. That's nice. I hear
that alone. Yeah, that's always a good thing. Yeah. I mean, I'm thinking about this a little bit in terms of my son going away to college next year, and I need to like resist comparing him to his sister because she's, like, it's always been very independent and like responsible, and and she's lived she only lived in a dorm for one year and then after that she's been in an off campus townhouse and so she has to like, you know, go to the grocery store and they have to clean and
you know, all that kind of stuff. And where my son is going to school, it will be probably a dorm, like a very traditional dorm
setting for the whole time. Yeah, And I find myself going, like, wait a minute, then he's not going to learn, you know, how to how to live up on his own, Like okay, so he'll learn it when he's twenty two instead of when he's nineteen like whatever, get over yourself, like right, So, but yeah, it's difficult to not make those comparisons, right right, Um, Yeah, it's just a very it's a very different school. But also hey, he's a very different kid,
right right. Yeah. It's interesting because I my kids are. They're a mixed bag kind of. You know, one is fur their head than I was at when I was their age, the other one in one area, and then the other one is further out in another area. It's so hard to figure out and was that even the right thing? Like I think ut my own path and looking back, yeah, I would have done things a lot differently. I wouldn't have made some of those big decisions yeah we
were making at that age. Yeah, but then I think too, like life kind of just propels you forward, even though you may not want to be making that milestone either. Yeah. Yeah, I mean that's true. Well definitely. I mean one of my son's classmates just became a dad, So that changes things real quickly, you know, where his college plans changed his Yeah, the baby's mothers you know, changed and it all happened very quickly. Yeah, so yeah, that will do it. We'll do it.
It's one of those different sort of adventure m h. Absolutely, yeah. Speaking of the prom there were prom pictures with the baby. Yes, she looked very cute. Yes, So embrace collaboration, it's the advice of the esteemed professor. And keep opinions to yourself for the Well, that's not gonna tell us how that goes. If we're going to keep our opinions to ourselves, which we're not, but if we did, the kids have to
keep their opinions to their selves. Right did they get to not comment on things that we do because because I dare them, you know, So it's you know, it's respect your elders. Is that kind of human being? We have opinions. We don't stop being human beings when we become parents. And it's like, well now now squelch everything that is your natural impression to do, because exactly, you know, we get to have agative man.
I know, we need some content that just um confirms you know the fact that we're people too, and maybe what we need is to have a respectful exchange of opinions. You can give your opinion, you can listen to your child's response to that opinion, and you cannot be shouting and screaming at each other, and you cannot be huffing off into the other room. I don't know that people do that, and crying, I don't know. But you can just have a discussion, have an embrace, collaboration, you know,
Collaboration involves something from both sides. Yeah. Um, well, but you know, respecting their independence. That's a difficult one for me because I don't see a lot of independence, right. I would have you respect it if it's not necessarily there. Yeah, it's not a priority. I don't think. In fact, it is a scary word to my kids to some degree, you know, because they they associate it with mom putting a boot in their button, kicking them out of the house and then they have to fend
for themselves in the cold, cold world. It's like, well, no, no, no, no, that's not what we mean. But I try to foster it where I see it. But also I've always talked with my kids about I want them to do anything they want to do with a very sturdy safety net underneath. Right. That is, my job is to be the the circus employee whose job it is to get under the trapeze artist at the right time. Right, So well, and I think, can we pick and choose what we m what kind of independence we foster, because
I think they did. Doctor would say, no, that is not your business. I totally can't. I say it's fine. Yeah, expert Terry Morrow, Terry Mow, author of two books to rewrite, there you go. I think that places you in the expert as everybody else, we're all full of bleep. But yeah, these are not such new conversations for us to have. What independence would you pick and choose? Nicole, Well, I I am not. I am not letting go of being, you know,
in the middle of one of my children's money management. Yeah, that's a tough thing. And what, as I mentioned, we've done with also, and I just I just do my son's money because he's not interested in that. So, you know, but training wheels. In addition to the news, there need to be were scaffolding. But like, well, you're eighteen, I hope you know how to cook, clean, wash, manage your money, get a job, you know all that stuff. So long
have fun out in the big wide world right home. Every now and then you gotta you gotta watch it. You gotta maintain some level of supervision. But to me at that age, forget it. There's some kids who can just go fly and you know, even if they have problems, they resolve them. And there's some kids who just crash, and you don't want to be the person that everybody says, why didn't their parents help you? Why didn't Where were the parents? So? Right? Yeah, this is what
we worry about. New York Times Do you care? Just given the back off mom advice, will you be there with a net? We will write on in the training wheels lost whose parents abandoned them before they're ready? Sunday Times magazine abandoned adult children. Yes, all they wanted was love and support from their parents, and their parents said, you're too old for that. Their parents tragically kept their opinions to themselves, tragically did not collaborate with their
children. Yes, oh dear, okay, this is coused to the parents. Can't win category for me? Yeah right, but I mean, all things being equal and positive, this is good advice, but you know you're mileage. But when are things ever eat? They're not. Nothing is cut and dry, nothing's easy, nothing is black and white. Yeah, sure will be sure fun to imagine, maybe perfect world. I'm sure we're going to be talking about this topic so much more. Yes, as our children
continue to age while we while we don't all we don't. If we remain active in their lives and tell them what to do, they will continue to age. If not, if we abandon them, who knows. So this is what this is what keeps us awake at night in New York times. But we should stops right now. Yeah, Yes, and that's oct today's Round four. Tune in tomorrow and we'll share our roundabout round up of things
we've been using or enjoying lately that we think deserve a shoutout. Find all our episodes at parenting roundabout dot com and talk back in the comments there, on our Facebook page or on Twitter, where you will find this a round About check