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this is parenting for the everyday a podcast dedicated to meeting parents in the trenches of Parenthood we explore how our faith fits into our parenting with the help of our guests we are seeking practical tips on how the gospel can speak into our day-to-day parenting from the easy stuff to the hard stuff we want to talk about it all this is parenting for the every day I'm Holly D Andrew and I'm Becca Alvarez and today we are talking about puberty pre-teens tween like how do we
get ready and disclaimer spoiler alert I'm not the guest because I feel like I'm living and I still don't know what I'm doing so you still don't have an expert we had to call someone else in um we are joined by Whitney height Meer mom to four um three are which are in this stage would you maybe almost all four I mean we're right in the thick of it in the thick yeah we're in the thick I mean my old some are coming out the other end well I don't think you ever maybe let's
not use that verbage Feels Like H why I am not the expert on this podcast I've got my 16-year-old girl so she's like on the other end of it but still in it yeah and then 14-year-old boy he is in it like man voice and the whole thing um you know shaving the mustache all the things for thatd I can't their legs get really H we're getting ahead of ourselves you're getting and then um I do have a 12-year-old Mr fly and then I've got my 10-year-old who you're right on the cusp
again we're going to keep him as 10 10 as long as possible um so I'm excited I'm excited to talk about things that we can do to prepare our hearts our homes and everything as we kind of go into this awkward stage for them but also maybe a little bit for us it's a little awkward for us sometimes so let's dive into it let's do it so Whitney what are some of the biggest challenges that parents face during the pre-teen Years first two things that come to mind body odor and
mood swings because they come in Fast and they're both pungent Pleasant yes and we're talk and I'm talking like body odor the kind of body odor that you roll down your windows and are gagging like and it comes out of nowhere one year like one day they're like roses and all nice and cuddly and smell like dirt and grass and the next day it's literally like compost and rotten leaves and I mean it's that bad and it comes on quick so talking to your 9-year-old 10-year-old about hey I
think it's time that we think about deodorant is actually a really big deal but those two things are are happening because of what because in reality there's some big changes happening so boys actually you always think about mood swings and hormones with girls but nine years old boys can start really changing hormonally and you're going to start seeing mood swings that come out of nowhere and so just being ready for that as a parent is really important having that discernment and
understanding of why all of a sudden your 9-year-old is going from 0 to 60 in like two seconds and understanding what is happening they're like really changing right now um and so what's that look like communication is going to look different your time is going to look a lot different and your understanding of these kids that you used to know when they were five and and cuddly it's they're they're different children right now so the way you communicate with them
is so different than the way you would have communicated with your 5-year-old the way you have time with them is so different than the way you would have had time with your you know three and four-year-old you had a lot of time in the car and car seats you had them strapped in they weren't going anywhere they can't get out you had so much more time leisurely time with your Littles when they start into that 8 n 10 11 12 year old age range your time gets more and more fleeting and I'm just telling
you like I was not prepared for the tornado that happened when I had all of a sudden two teenagers and at that time a nine or 11 and a 9-year-old like the last year or two time was gone and I wasn't prepared for that as a mom as much as I thought I was um because you when they're little you're you're going all the time but you're with them and when they get a little bigger you're going all the time but you're not with them yeah you're dropping them off and
all of a sudden this little kid who used to communicate with you um and you know yap yap yap yap yap is quiet is a little bit more subdued um gets a little bit more irritated um and just understanding how they communicate and understanding that you have to be intentional with your time so when you're in the car maybe the radio is off and you're having conversation and you're just asking them about their day ask ask ask lots of questions so I would think the major
biggest challenges going back to your original question obviously body order and mood swings but those are indicators that the bigger things are happening that you're going to need to start taking time for communication time period intentional time and just understanding that this child is new they really all of a sudden they're saying hi Mom from upstairs it it happens overnight it happens I mean you know it happens overnight and um just taking that time to understand that
so how do we prep for all of it I mean we can talk about the physical stuff and then also even like this communication thing like how are we preparing ourselves or maybe a better question is how are we responding as it changes so I you know one thing you said is being intentional with the time you have um I have found that you know when we're in the car I might ask a question and I get no answers and then you know I'm in bed turning the lights out and then he's
like let me tell you about this thing that happened at school today like really and you're exhausted right now is the time we're going to talk about it perect so yeah just how do we kind of prepare our hearts and our minds to take advantage of those situations to be looking for them I don't know I think it's just being aware is the one thing when you start to see those changes is being aware that you need to be more intentional and the fact that he says okay now I want to tell you about my day
at school and it's 10:00 at night or 9:30 whatever time it is you say okay let's sit down say okay you do say okay no and also knowing like understanding your child like I have um I did just predisclosure I did speak with all my children so they do know that I'm speaking about them today and they're comfortable with it and they understand um but my daughter um she will tell me everything however the real stuff like deep down hard stuff she'll hold on to it for about two weeks
and you can just tell in the demeanor that there's something more and so it's just understanding your kids like I know I'm going to have to give her some space and then there's going to be that moment when I tuck her in at night which I implore parents too keep tucking your kids in at night I mean keep them little keep them kids as long as possible because they're 18 and you're never going to have that chance chance to tuck them in again but those are those
moments where I know like okay I need to give her space there's something more here and I'm going to give her a couple weeks just keep asking the questions every night and then one night when I say hey how's everything really going at school or how's everything really going with so and so then it just bubbles up but understanding each of your kids having patience whereas I have my other child literally a 6-hour car ride no joke silence all we did was listen to
his favorite kind of music but I gave him free reign and I knew we needed that quality time 6 hours no talking it was just listening to Classic Rock oh man but the cool thing about that is because I spent that quality time with him and just let him be I wasn't like pestering him with questions and you know digging digging digging one because I knew him and I God has taught me what kind of child and human being he's growing into I let be we had fun and now I can ask those questions when I
have that quality time because I've earned as a safe space and some trust does that make sense oh yeah no that's good good and like my other one I know like talking about change and just communication is the other change that happens is your 5-year-old will come up and cuddle with you and want those hugs and all of a sudden they're 12 11 13 however old they are and you know they they don't quite want those hugs anymore but when I sit one-on-one with him and watch a show
he's right on top of me and so it's making those moments happen and letting go of the little first grader that used to like come up and run and grab your knees letting go of that being thankful for it but knowing you have something new to nourish and to cultivate man it seems like too some of those things especially if you're not necessarily prepared for for them it would be so easy to take it personally to feel like uh that you did or didn't do or you know and what I'm hearing you
say is that it's all the changes going on inside of them and it's more important as the parent to not take it personally and to just give them the space and try to relearn who they are um which feels like it could be such a challenge if it's from one day to the next a whole different child it is yeah and that's why you need to give yourself Grace too because I total another disclosure I have not done this perfectly and I will say my daughter has the most amazing guinea pig um because I
didn't always give her space I would pester her and until I finally realized she is just shutting down even more so let's let's rework and let's like we've had those conversations like Kendra what really works for you and sometimes she's very honest and lets me know and sometimes she doesn't but knowing that like you're going to mess up and it is going to be different from day to day and not taking it personally like great example is just this fast week my youngest who is my cuddle bug like all
the time once his one of his major love language is definitely physical touch he yearns for it big loss on the football field afterwards he just looked at me and you could see the crocodile tears and I could tell he wanted me to hug him but when I went to hug him he like shoved me off and it was one of those moments where oh it hurt my mama's heart and you do I took it personally but then it again this is my fourth so I've learned through my other ones like okay
take a moment he's with all of his friends he's 10 years old now and he doesn't want this hug so like it was funny cuz he would come in for the hug again and then like back off and so then I just started like hitting his shoulder pads and like we just got into wrestling and then it kind of got into something else he still don't want my hug but yeah he still yearned for it he still is that little boy who wants that hug but he is growing up to a point where I got to be
a man and I'm not going to cry about this mom so don't hug me but it was so hard not to take a personal but it's just understanding the environment too I think it's also hard not to take those mood swings personal you know you talk about that as like more of like a um I don't know sad emotional moment but then you've got ones where all of a sudden it's like you are acting crazy you can't talk to anybody like this you know um and that kind of you know what set you off and who knows and so how do
you kind of prepare or even respond in that moment I would imagine at least for me there are many times I have to go back and apologize cuz you know I am like oh I responded the same way that you are acting I see I see what's happening here this is this is not good so kind of walk us through how do we prepare for mood swings or those big emotions and I'm so glad that you mentioned that it's not just for girls cuz I actually no one told me that and my oldest as a boy and so I was very
caught off by like we that we still had such strong emotions and so yeah how do you prepare how do you walk through that season you throw something right back at them great wrote that down check mark yeah but no really like there are those moments where the anger is so hot and so quick that our own human reaction is so hot and so quick too and so you hit it on the head when you said there are times when you do have to go back and ask forgiveness but that's the key like you will mess up you
will get angry and frustrated CU you're not going to understand in the moment where the anger and the frustration came from but the beauty is is going back and having that communication with the child creates an understanding and a safe space like those are the rhythms in your home that start to create safe spaces and understanding um so when that 0 to 60 happens again you're like little off the handles let's take a moment why don't you go upstairs mom's going to go
outside we'll reconvene in five minutes yeah and but you wouldn't be able to do that unless you've created that that rhythm of safe and reliability yeah yeah when you mentioned too that time is fleeting at this point once you're getting to kind of 9 10 11 12 they're spending a lot more time at school they're spending a lot more time with coaches they're spending a lot more time with friends and so how do you balance this is a twofold question one how do you balance the new sought-after
independence of pre-teens and then with that Independence comes peer pressure so how do you kind of keep track of that and Empower your kids to be resilient against that um and then I guess also how do you create a graceful space for when they mess up they mess up or when they're hurt right no that's a good question um again it comes back to those safe reliable rhythms in your home where you've created a safe space but your kids like let's take it back a second
they are 9 10 11 let's go more to the 11 12 13 they are yearning for that next step of Independence their minds are already I mean my my 14-year-old researches cars all the time so they are yearning for that Independence um they are yearning for you know that next cool pair of shoes those things that they are wanting to do themselves and so how do we create that within boundaries oh my goodness um that's difficult just because you know you you want to create safe space but you also want them
a space a safe space for them to be able to mess up um where it doesn't create too many consequences how do you do that well that's a good question um one thing we've done with our kids as far as Independence goes is we try to say is yes yes as much as possible um and know the least amount of time but what does that yes mean that yes means that at home you are taking responsibility you know they have it's fun to create chores when they're little when they're older make the chores big
you know my kids took they were they did all of our yard work our all summer we did none of it like I didn't I literally did shears for the first time like a week ago it was wonderful but because of that Independence or that uh responsibility that they had they had the independence to they had a set amount of money they could spend on whatever they wanted um like that new pair of shoes so it's creating that Independence but then again like you said The Independents they not only have
new coaches but they have more friends they're around their friends more often um have the friends over at your house as much as you can get to know their friends and have those conversations about what type of people you want in your life like are these friends making you a better person are they helping you make good decisions and if they're not why um are you helping your friends making better to make good decisions have those conversations ask the right questions um but they are yearning for
that next step so trying to say yes as much as possible is so important um but with within boundaries and don't be stupid I mean social media technology like there is time for that and there's time to say no um also goes back to your child like know your child um my daughter is 16 years old she got her first phone when she was 15 um so we're slowly getting into that I'm not saying that's the answer for every parent or every child the situations are different
it just worked out really well for our family um to do that and like she just has her first social media which is be real it's very for the most part safe but just be aware like my kids know that if they have any type of device I'm checking it like it's I'm not hiding it from them like I literally told my daughter yesterday like hey I checked your text just want let you know is there anything that you know we want to talk about not that she had anything to talk about but just be transparent like
let them know you're there um let them know you are checking up on them but it's still there and it's still their independence um yeah but don't be stupid like there are great things to do as a parent you know there's great technology but in the room at night there's things that you just need to have really good boundaries on that um you know sometimes we get lacks on because we're tired so how as we're having all these conversations and emotional changes and
physical changes and new Independence how do we keep pointing them to Jesus as they are really these are fored years for their identity and it's kind of um the first time it's being questioned and so how do we capitalize on the time we have with them to point them to Jesus like what are what are some ways that we can be intentional with that I would say the first thing is what are you doing as a parent like what are you modeling in the home with your own time with the
Lord like what are they seeing you doing I remember one of the best advice um pieces of advice I got when my kids were little was have your Bible open on the table and they know when mommy's Bible's open that that's 5 minutes that they can't interrupt um and if they do okay but they know like that's important to Mom and that needs to continue so what are like if you're doing quiet time
in the morning and they're not up maybe try doing it at 700 for those first five minutes they're up so they see you in the word like what are you doing how are you modeling Jesus in their lives and regarding pointing them back to the to the word um he's in all your conversations you know literally talking about puberty with my son and the way a man's body works and the way God created it to um make life and how their thoughts are important and how that re makes certain areas of their
body react certain ways like making that like it was out of his mouth my son's mouth said oh my gosh it's really cool that God created me that way that depends on what I see and what I take in I I'll I'll feel certain ways so making him a part of the that conversation is really really important but I say more than anything you know you can tell your kids to journal you can tell them to read their Bibles but more than anything they need to see the parents modeling it
um that's really how you point them back to Jesus you kind of just brought this up but how do you have those conversations those topics about puberty about relationships about all of that how you begin that groundwork in conversation with your kids oh so two things just one happened two nights ago we're literally washing dishes and um my one son and I were talking about a show that he's watching on his own this is one something he's doing on his own um so that is an independent thing um because
usually you know only with mom or dad or but this is something he's watching on his own his own time if he gets his homework done he's taking responsibility and something that he can do um and we were talking about like are there times in the show where you have to bounce your eyes or are there things that you have to watch for and they we literally like washing dishes and our whole conversation was about how as a boy you have you struggle with having to bounce
your eyes and he was thankful that this show was none of that and how it's so often not the case and so so often he doesn't get to watch a lot of shows because that's not often the case um so having those conversations um but also the relationship shs that's the thing like you have those little crushes like when they're in kindergarten or first grade and then all of a sudden like 9 10 11 12 16 things get like the feelings get bigger the feelings get so much bigger
and there was one time specifically where he one of my sons sat across from me at the dinner table again taking the time being intentional about time and realizing this is a moment I'm going to sit I'm not going to get up and clean after dinner and he sat there with I mean we're talking like bucket size crocodile tears and shared how his best friend liked the girl he liked and she liked him back and she told them all at recess and how badly it hurt him and I think one thing to do that's so
important as a parent is to just listen and so often especially with that and even even with like puberty and stuff like things they struggle with in their thoughts you just want to fix it you want to fix it and be like oh that's just you know normal and usually it is but you just want to fix things but often times they just need to talk and so just sitting there and listening and hearing him just pour out his heart and I'm thinking oh I I'm dying inside as a
mom like he was so heartbroken but then like asking him so not only listening but then asking him how it made him feel like asking my daughter like you know whatever it you know whatever ever crush or friend she has going on relationship wise like how are they making you feel um you know what do you think your motive is and pursuing them asking those kind of questions and understanding like where the hurt comes from is so helpful so I would say taking the time to listen
and taking the time to ask good questions and not trying to fix it um I think that's really important yeah it is so important and I always have to remind myself because my my nature is to to fix it or to oh my goodness you know to want to solve the problem and that you're going to lose the space cuz all of a sudden that's not a safe space anymore because they're not looking for that so I think that's super good wisdom um do you have any like other like resources or tips and tricks I know the
other night we were texting about like vid Angel and different things like do you have any of those other practical things that can help prepare us um for that dance with Independence and still being a kid that doing cuz you want to keep them young as much as possible um but again like I said they're ready for that next stage and as a parent it's kind of fun like oh we can you know watch Ghostbusters together but oh Ghostbusters little bit a little bit more uh can I say the word sexy it it is
this is so this is what happen sex thought I wanted to watch Ghostbusters and so I had Whitney had said like a while ago she had told me about this program and so I was like okay I looked up the reviews and it was like too much stuff in Ghostbusters that I was like I am not comfortable with all of this it's actually really sexy it is um and so yeah tell like yeah tell them yeah like vid Angel is a subscription um we got on to it probably like five or six years
ago and basically you can almost not all movies and shows are on it but quite a few are and you can also request if there's something you really want to watch um and it it can screen or um filter out things that you don't want your kids to be seeing like literally and I hope this is okay to share but the first Top Gun like we are my husband and I are Top Gun nerds like I could quote the entire first movie absolutely love it and we were so excited to watch it
with our kids this is right before top gun Maverick came out and I'm like oh we cannot watch that with our children but through vid Angel we could watch the entire movie and the one scene that we needed taken out they like literally take the entire scene out so it doesn't even seem like it was ever there and it didn't affect the storyline much at all you can take language out so that was a way for us to experience something older with our kids um give them a little bit
more Independence in something you know their friends may be watching or culture may be watching and then be able to enjoy which tofun Maverick is a great movie through and through well and I liked it cuz like you said it's not that awkward like oh where's Thermo let me fast forward it's really like oh it's like you don't even know that was in there and the story is still the same story is still the same I thought that was cool and we used to have when when the kids were little we used to have
code words um because remember that little song be careful little eyes what you see like that's real and that continues I mean now my husband and I I mean what we're been married 20 years we still have to watch and be careful with our little I see and so don't take that for granted either all of a sudden oh you know they see it all everywhere no in your home make it a place that this is important and so we used to have this code word when they were little we used
to say Ellen and they knew to cover up their eyes and we would say crackers when they could uncover their eyes and so establishing I would like to know more about where the originated well Ellen is a middle name in our family and crackers they came up with I let them choose crackers cute yeah but those are those things that establishing those rhythms where they know okay home is a safe place but we can still have fun and there's a reason why like why do we do
these things always point it back to who we are and who we are loving and Who We Are are honoring you have talked a lot about um the differences that happen as you're moving into the preaching years and it seems like some of those is a natural push away from Mom and Dad in that push away how can parents best support your pretin mental health and well-being when maybe you're not the person that they want to go to go to um have other adults in their lives and if
you are a member of this church have your kids involved in the kids ministry it is huge um to have other adults that they can go and talk to whether that be other moms or dads of their friends or maybe more you know High School College age kids those are the people that are going to they're going to hear from that they necessar they they will say the same say say the same thing you say but they're going to hear it from them better um so have those people pouring
into your kids lives and maybe it's Grandma and Grandpa um my son will soak up anything his grandpa says um so have those people placed in your kids' lives um be aware that you need to give them space yourselves as their parent um and just you know just cultivate those relationships as much as you can um with other people it's so important I will say talking about pointing to Jesus and having right people in your kids' lives um let their faith become their faith the coolest thing is
parents God's got the job of grabbing their hearts I don't we just have to cultivate a space for him to be seen and for him to flourish like that there's freedom in that like it's not my job it's his and the beauty of that like two of my four kids have now been baptized and it was people from the kids ministry here that came alongside them and helped them you know get closer to the Lord it wasn't me asking them hey when you going to get baptized when you get baptized no
surrender those things cultivate a good environment and let go when this has been awesome I I feel like you did such a great job of taking a scary season while acknowledging the scariness but giving us a little bit of uh equip equipment equip what's the word equipping us great deodorant is important to kind of walk through and be prepared to enter That season and um just to be able to instead of look at it as a scary season to be able to find the joy in that the way that your kids are
growing and how God has them um from one season to the next and you can enjoy the teenagers you really can they're beautiful so thank you friends it's really been a gift thanks for having me thanks Whitney this has been parenting for the everyday tune in next time e for