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this is parenting for the everyday a podcast dedicated to meeting parents in the trenches of Parenthood we explore how our faith fits into our parenting with the help of our guests we are seeking practical tips on how the gospel can speak into our day-to-day parenting from the easy stuff to the hard stuff we want to talk about it all this is parenting for the everyday day I'm Becca alfarez and I'm holiday krew and I am so excited about this episode today we are
actually talking about generational parenting gaps um and we have in the studio my lovely and wonderful mother mom will you introduce yourself sure I am Karen coffee I'm actually married to Joe coffee we have three adult children and six grandchildren and this episode really came out of a very funny Instagram video that I sent my mom that just talked about all the different things that are different about Millennial parents and baby boomer parents and although the
video itself was super super funny there were so many relatable things in it that made us think about it and be like oh my gosh we should actually have this on a podcast because although there can be some really funny differences there can also be some differences that uh can create chasms between relationship and even hurt feelings and so feeling like um I am a relatively new mother I have a three-year-old and a one-year-old and something that I've always appreciated
about my mom as I went through a lot of new things and trying out new strategies is that she was so supportive and worked hard to understand my perspective instead of just telling me how things should go and imparting imposing her mothering on me she let me do it on my own and try to understand the reasons I was doing things which I really appreciated so let's dive on in know I need all these notes so that when I become a grandma I can I can do it right so Karen I'm taking notes I'm
taking notes on come naturally Holly okay Mom what do you think are the biggest differences in parenting approaches between our generation and your generation yeah that's a great question and I'm just I'm so honored to be here I um as I said I think in another podcast I love being a mom and I love being a grandmother and I love the way those two work together and part of my heart I think is to make sure that those two worlds continue to work together so some
of the things that um I have recognized that are so different of course everybody knows social media is different when I had the my three kids um we we literally brought Jeremy home in like a Moses basket and put the seat belt over it so equipment he is real sturdy and so equipment is number one is so different the sound machines the the blankets the bags I always call her weighted sack a bag um what are some of the oh cameras holy smokes cameras everywhere we had
none of things and and weren't even required to have a car seat so for me um it's completely different also social media for you guys is kind of your um your teacher if you will for me it was my group of friends so if my group of friends Ed cloth diapers then I use cloth diapers which I did if you know really she sure did holy smokes so glad they they don't do that anymore I was going to say did you recommend no okay hard pass no no hard pass yeah so so many differences and I guess that's what
where my heart was just to um talk about this because I think this is your time to be moms and this is your culture and as an a boomer as you said um I want to learn from you and I want to share maybe what I have but I want to learn from you and and allow you to have the opportunities I had as a mother and something that we talked about Mom just kind of in preparation for this episode is that although social media is our tool it it gives us a lot of different
kind of tools in that toolbox but in on the other side of things you can always see something that someone's doing differently and make you really insecure as a mom too and so it's like everything it needs to be in a balance of how you're learning and and who you're looking at and comparing and all of that uh something that I thought of in this question of a big difference is I often think about my mom when I'm nursing which kind of sounds weird but whenever I'm nursing my son I always have my
phone because holy cow I would be so bored if I didn't and something that I realize one of the times is that when I do put it down and I just focus on him and I focus on his head and his face and his features I feel so much more connected and I always think about my mom cuz I feel like she was such a good mom at being connected with us and so intentional and she was always just there you know so present she wasn't distracted and one of the things about my generation is that we have constant
distractions you know we have handheld distractions we have distractions mounted on our walls we have distractions with people and so there there are times that I have to be really intentional to not be a distracted parent and that would be an aspect of a baby boomer parent that I am envious of is that you were so good at not being distracted um so the first time um I had had the Twins and uh Jimmy and I were going away and they were like six months old and I was going to leave them with
my parents for the weekend the Twins and cam all three of them for the first time and I came with uh a really long list of how to take care of the children and bags of things that they would need to take care of the children and my dad was like I had three kids and I didn't need any of this I got this you know you can go I was like what what what how are you how are you going to how are they going to sleep without this blanket this exact blanket you know um and I'm thankful my my parents have
do a a great job of doing it the way that I've asked them to do it but yeah just this there is totally a gap of of hey we did it this way we don't need all the ways that you did it and they turned out just fine and that could like in some cases probably cause some tension um what do you think that older gener is it okay if I say older Generations is that the right word the the boomer generation wise the wiser generation Boomer Boomer okay what are some misconceptions or thoughts that maybe
the boomer generation would have about more modern parenting styles that maybe are true or not true but let's kind of talk through some of them yeah that's a great great question I think you know probably what you said we did it you you guys are healthy why not do it our way fine right yeah but um I think that it's that it's so important to recognize that every generation has their own specific needs and way of doing things and like the allergies and the you know the
different creams and everything that you use I think our life simpler and and plus if you just clear away all this stuff this is your time to be a parent and and I don't want to live vicariously through your parenting because I I did my parenting and now my job as a grandparent or continuing to be a parent is to support you and make you feel like you that I have your back and I think sometimes there can be a little bit of a competition or like you said even um her feelings maybe well I didn't
do that you you know or I had structured bedtime or I did this or I did that and it almost needs to be a conversation we say yes and I'm grateful for that but this is what my husband and I have chosen to do yeah because the notion of saying we're doing it different means your way wasn't good enough exactly exactly and of course our way was right obvious course obvious of course but I think being open to say say you know what things have changed and there's so much more knowledge out there and of
course I'm I think I'm unique and that I really like to learn and I'm always looking for answers to things and and Becca's been great about we've had a couple little things that I've just asked her questions about and she's been good about saying yeah this is why we're doing that and you know my other kids made other choices and I I just like learning the differences and would you say those questions offend you back no but mostly in the way that she does them so I would say something
that caught me off guard as a new mom is how insecure I was I thought because I was a babysitter I always worked with kids like I thought I was going to come into motherhood with like this confidence of I know what I'm doing I brought that baby home from the hospital and was terrified and felt like every choice I was making wasn't the right choice cuz there was another one somewhere on social media that they were making a different choice and so I had a lot of insecurity and my mom was really
good at supporting the choices that I did make um so it gave me more and more confidence and so by the time we got to one of the things that she's talking about is I something that worked for my kids was baby Le weaning which is a little bit of a newer way of doing things and so I always gave my kids Whole Foods they maybe had like a handful of purees but that's about it something about baby Le weaning is there's quite a bit of gagging in it involved in a lot of
choking mostly because it teaches them how to use their gag reflex so it's supposed to be a part of it but it is alarming for people that aren't prepared for it and so that is something that my mom was so good about is being very alarmed about the situation but asking like hey hey so so are we okay I can picture it right ezekiel's joking and you're like hey so like he's making noises we're fine getting in there but she was so good at at trying to learn and and looking at the books that I had
and knowing that I think really understanding like the foundation of our concern is the same we both care about these children we just have different ways of going about it it wasn't out of negligence it was out of really wanting them to have the correct tools um and so I think always having that Foundation has been really helpful so it has opened up more questions on both sides the other thing that is so helpful is I can handle a situation with my child and feel really really really
secure about then asking my mom like how would you have done that differently I want to learn from you because I admire you and I admire the way that you parented and so having kind of a two-lane road with that of knowing when I want to ask questions and she's really good at not just imposing advice when I'm not asking questions yeah I think that's really important to be able to say hey how would you do this and for you to maybe wait to be asked is that what you're saying like you would wait
you wouldn't just be like okay I saw you do this this is how I would do it right yes different um so one of the things back that you mentioned at the beginning was the fact that maybe the way that the boomer generation parented had left distractions um what are some other things and like values and lessons that we because we don't want to just discount oh we're doing everything different there's nothing there what are some other things that maybe we could pull or that you even say like hey
here's something that I feel like I did really well that we could pull into like modern parenting yeah that's a great question um I want to give a little plug for our huddle for grandparents at the church um that has been a great resource and it's a great way for grandparents to get together because even as you guys are parenting for the first time we're grandparenting for the first time you know and so it it has to be like you said I I love that two-way street where
um everybody's learning and we have to be patient and open with each other I think um one of the things that was really big in our generation us Boomers was um etiquette oh so um and I I come with representatives of other grandmas that would like to see more manners than the children so we when I grew up like my parents didn't send us um to Etiquette School or or Charm School but a lot of my friends went and you go you dress up you learn how to set a table you learn
what all the forks are and above all you say please and thank you oh yeah and in you know just looking at it oh yeah please and thank you but I think what it teaches is is um respect I think it teaches that there's more to my life or or um I owe someone else for the things that I have and I'm I'm not entitled to that so it's a simple thing please and thank you but I think it teaches uh a depth to the kids and um so that's one of I I think one of the things that it's
not lost but I don't think it is as strong it's not as emphasized right as I think it used to be yeah yeah that's a good one I think I would say but I think I would say respect in general true that's like I feel like something that is maybe not a priority for like more modern parenting where it was um like when my parents were parenting and some of that is lost you know in the way that kids respond to to adults and Authority in situations so I think that's another
one yeah and it even even just that goes into something maybe a little bit deeper as far as um sometimes boomers are no are more stereotyped to kind of rule with an iron fist you know that what they say goes and that's going to be their punishment style and their parenting style and a lot of millennial parents almost went the exact opposite and went to very like I validate your feelings I want to be gentle with you and when you you need a balance you know we are always talking about balance on
this podcast but I think that you really need a balance in this case because when you go all gentle and all soft and what what your voice matters and your choice matters and although that could be true it can be true within structure of respect and I think that's where we're struggling to find um kind of that middle that middle ground yeah um so I I feel like part of the reason that parenting has changed or that life changes is because we learn more you were saying that earlier and so mental
health has been something that we have learned a lot more and we are still learning about that maybe um in the time of the the Boomer parenting that wasn't as much I don't want to say it was a priority I just I just think people didn't know like about it and so how would you say like that mental health plays a role in parenting today like how would you say it differs from how you did it um into how you're doing it back like let's talk through that big one that is a big one that is a big one
well first of all I think that you were probably unique in the sense that mental health has always been so important to you because that is like you've also had a heart for that so if we do more of just the stere The Stereotype of a boomer parent or even your parents right right cuz then that would be a big difference between the next generation up and our generation yeah I think um if yeah if I could speak to that I would say probably when I grew up it you know
stop crying or you know I'll give you something to cry about or um you just kind of dealt with your you didn't know your emotions were valid or valuable um you just kind of dealt with whatever was going on and um I think now we know how damaging that is and how important it is to teach children it's okay to have emotions this is what your emotions looks like look like and um this is how you handle anger this is how you handle handle sadness um and and go specifically to those things um but I
think In the Heat of the Moment it's hard to um think about all those things you know all at once and and the anger or the the Panic or what whatever you're dealing with it's it's kind of easier to go the easy way and try to plate that and not deal with mental health pieace yeah and I think that the caution towards kind of the millennial parenting style is although it doesn't look the same as the children should be seen and not heard it's almost like now the exact
opposite of like you should have the loudest children there because it means they have a really good attachment and and I think there's probably some truth in there maybe but there H but you have to figure out how to validate emotion while also providing an appropriate response you can't just go to all validation and let the emotions run wild because no one's actually learning the coping then and you can't shut down the emotion and not give any coping and so it's again kind of trying to find the
the in between of being able to stay in an uncomfortable moment with your child not just plate to them and let them get whatever they want because they're throwing a big fit but also being able to validate and then give a tool of how they can calm down or how they can best feel this emotion and express it in a way that doesn't mean they're falling apart in Target and now you're just throwing chocolate cake at them so that they so that they're quiet that feels like it would work for me so it is
complicated though because another thing is you don't want to label them or you don't want to make excuses you know oh they're they're anxious yes they're an anxious child yeah they they don't handle this well so we need to do something quickly um because then again what we're trying to do is teach and strengthen and learn um how to use those coping skills and I think as parents there's that delicate line of letting them do it on their own and and kind of helping along and
grandparents it's even more delicate well is so that was going to be my next question um like in speaking to grandparents or even relationships with grandparents when you have grandparents who are active caregivers um but who are not able to um I don't know quite be as gracious to to styles of parenting that were different from what they've known that can cause some tension um how would you suggest kind of navigating that situation great great question yeah I
think the first thing I would do is um not do it in the moment you remember that with teenagers you know you don't want to call them out in the moment but wait till things have caled down and I think that's true too if if we had done something and um Beck was upset about it I would um want her to tell me and Joe um but I would maybe not in the middle of a family gathering or maybe when the kids were around but find a time and say hey we want to talk to you about something but on the flip side um
sometimes we as Boomers have um I don't know maybe input or something concerns and I think the first thing I would do if if I had a concern again not say anything in the midst of of family gathering I I personally would talk to Joe because he helps me think through emotional things and and see whether I was seeing it as I was or he always just has a really um good perspective and he understands me well so I would run it by him and then um I think I would do the
same and saying hey I I I haven't come to the best plan for this but I think I would maybe depending on the issue talk to our bio first and then bring the in-law in if if need be um but just say hey we just wanted to talk to you about something now um there are situations that um maybe we would feel stronger about and uh one way I thought about um prior to getting together today was to think about whether it's a principle or a preference that's that's actually just what I was going to ask
you I was like how do you pick cuz it can't be everything you disagree with no no no and as a family you guys get to decide what your values are what you know how you want to live what but um as as parents who have lived a little bit longer there are some guiding principles and of course the Bible would be my my number one principal maker but is it is it is their behavior healthy physically spiritually emotionally socially would be some principles that I would perhaps be willing to take a risk
and talk about if I felt like something unhealthy was happening yeah or being taught yeah I mean I think that that that is such a tricky it's a tricky situation it's a tricky topic because you're trying to preserve your relationship with your child and also preserve their relationship with their child so there's there's yeah and there's a waterfall kind of effect there um but I think being so sensitive and again going back to that Foundation the foundation of it all is that we all care
about these children you know and we all want the best for them and it's so easy to take things personally I think as the mother mother or the grandparent mother or father or the grandparent and I think we have to take ourselves out of it and know that it's not necessarily a personal attack it is it is a concern or it is advice and try for both sides to be more flexible about about receiving it yeah I really like that verse in um third John it's verse four I think that says I have no
Greater Joy than my my children um follow the truth and I think that's the heart of the issue is is the principal going to lead them into a way where where they will know the truth yeah and if they let their kids choke as they eat on the way you know that's okay that's okay I yeah I did struggle you know we had one of those little Grinders and we would just grind whatever we were having and so and to her credit Ezekiel would not eat until she did this so I I
validate that I think it was the right thing but holy smokes there were times where I went is he okay it's okay okay tell me about this what's the background of the you know but but see we can talk about it and she can help me understand and she understands my worried heart and I also I do want to take a minute just right there because because of our relationship and the foundation of our relationship we have the ability to have that I think it is much more difficult
if you don't have that relationship to impose advice especially on a new parent um it's very difficult to take that well because it feels like because it doesn't feel like you have the caring Foundation of you know who I am you know my heart and so you I know this is just coming from a Caring Place I think when it is something coming from someone that maybe doesn't have that same Foundation it can be very very difficult to take yeah guys this has been it's been so fun
hanging out with you guys and getting a little Glimpse and to your relationship and how it works and um I think it's really cool to see the way that you have loved Becca and the kids um I feel like that has given you freedom to kind of find your own as a mother um but then also feel fully loved and fully supported so and I think just made me such a better mother I think that grandparents role is so important and it just enriches children's lives and I think if
you can have that in your life it can be an amazing thing but it takes movement from the grandparent and the parent to bridge that Gap M well said Karen thanks for thanks for coming on and chatting with us and kind of breaking down some of these uh generational differences that we have yeah that's what we use so this has been parenting for the everyday tune in next time [Music]