Kate Mason (00:01):
How well do you know the people that you love? Do you know how they need to feel supported or nurtured? Do you see your experiences that make you feel connected to them, like mealtimes, holidays, movies, or actually just being there for each other? Do you understand each other's style of communication and what that means to your relationship when one person might need space and the other person might need people? Do you always assume that you know what other people are thinking just because you know them? Does that always work? Now, many of us often find ourselves in a pickle these days from making assumptions about our perceptions about people in situations. So let's take a look today at Valentine's Day, celebrated across the world with chocolates, flowers, gifts, dinners, and you know what? It's a marketing dream all in the name of Saint Valentine. So who was this mysterious saint and where do these traditions come from?
(01:04):
Let's take a quick look into the history of Valentine's Day, why it became a day of romance, and if you're a cynic like me, why has it turned into a commercial goldmine? So it all goes back to ancient Rome where mid-February was a time to celebrate fertility and the arrival of spring, the festival Lupercalia paired men and women together for matchmaking, which sounds pretty normal to me. So let's say it must have been a pretty lively affair. And then we fast forward to the Christian era. Lupercalia got a makeover. The church repurposed it as a festival day to honour St. Valentine, a Roman priest who was martyred in round two 70 AD now Legion Hazard, the Valentine defied Emperor Claudius the second who had banned marriages for young soldiers believing that single men made better warriors. Not sure where he got that from. Valentine's secretly continued performing weddings, which eventually led to his arrest and execution. So how do we get to roses and chocolates and sentimental love notes from that? Well over time, February the 14th became a day for love, friendship, and affection. By the 18th century, people started exchanging handwritten notes and eventually mass produced cards made it easy for everyone to join in. So whether you are into it or not, Valentine's Day definitely has become a tradition and there are plenty of reasons why on both sides of the coin.
(02:37):
So what's your take? Are you all in for the roses and chocolates or do you like to keep it low key? Now, me, I'm a low key kind of girl, but in our early years of dating, Paul and I were really keen on the celebration of our love. We went out to dinner and we gave presents, but after about 40 odd years, not as much of an occasion, we now bite each other card, slap on the arse in the hallway as we pass each other. And you know what? That's about it. However, as I'm writing this episode, I have actually booked a restaurant for us to go to and discuss the three important communication strategies we're going to be talking about today. Because you know what? We all need a refresher on life, especially after 43 years of being together, I'm taking action. Nothing like practice what you preach.
(03:27):
So today we're going to look at Valentine's Day in a much broader sense to tell the truth. A daylight Valentine's Day is actually your chance to have some in-depth conversations with anyone that you love. However, shouldn't we be taking care of our relationships every single day? What happens to our relationships on the other 364 days of the year except for that leap year? I'm not just talking about couples in love is about the relationships you have with those who are special to you and what we can do to keep those relationships on track. Most of the time that is because honestly, let's not get too excited as you would well know, this is a really hard gig and I work hard at it all the time and stuff up every day. But most of the time I do have some successes and I try to learn from my losses and use my communication to teach me how to change my approach next time. Now, once you start asking questions of the other person, you might find that your relationships actually do need some work or that there are many things that you're actually unaware of about that other person that you're communicating with. Hi, I am Kate Mason and welcome to Parenting and Personalities. This is a podcast that connects you to the ones you care about the most.
(04:49):
Now, today I'm going to be looking at three areas that I really think are crucial in our communication with others. These important communication tools help us get a handle on the perceptions and assumptions that we make about people all the time. My husband's words are always, you would've thought they would've done seriously. No, you wouldn't. People do things that you don't assume and you don't perceive in your own head. So today we're going to look at listening, how our personalities affect how we are listening and love languages, and lastly, building stronger listening skills and three important questions. They're going to help you discover how other people think and feel, and then maybe you can use those new listening skills to hear it. Now, number one is listening. Of course. I love this topic because it's a really crucial skill and yet many of us don't actually have it.
(05:52):
It's the difference between really connecting with someone or just for yourself to have a turn at speaking. So have a think about how you listen to people. As I go through this, you might pick up a few hints and changes that you could make to your listening style. Now, I already know you're going to be good at this because you are a podcast listener. So there are two types of listening, and the first one involves active listening. And to me that's a really interesting phrase because you're not moving while you're doing it. But what happens is you are actively giving verbal cues. You are saying, wow, I can hear what you're saying. Oh, that must've been really tough for you. You're giving nonverbal cues such as looking at the person while they're talking to you and mirroring the emotions that may might give hard work, active listening.
(06:43):
Can you relate to this listening style or are you just sitting there going, that is not me. Well, welcome to the club because I think that's the majority of us and it's definitely not me. So maybe the next one's you, in a way, I think we should call it inactive listening because what happens is for people like myself and maybe you is when someone is talking, you are listening just long enough to find a way to shift the conversation back to something that you've done. So instead of engaging in their experience, you are waiting for a gap to jump in and go, oh my goodness, that happened to me too. Let me tell you. Now, even though it might seem like you are agreeing with them and you are just trying to throw something in the conversation, it actually can feel quite dismissive even if it's not intended.
(07:32):
And yet, this is the area of my personality that I have to constantly work on. And if you're listening and you are an active listener, congratulations. That is actually awesome because not many people can have that skill naturally. If you're not and you are sitting on the same camp as I am, you really enjoy conversation, but you love to add in everything that you've done as well. Here's some ways of building stronger listening skills. Number one, pause before responding. Wait for that person to finish. Ah, that's really hard. Take a second to process it before you react. This also might allow them a little more time to have more conversation. Bummer, reflect back what you heard. Use phrases like, sounds like you're feeling. Maybe it's sad or happy. So what you are saying is, and reframe it, and that must have been possibly terrible or exciting.
(08:30):
This ensures that you are actually listening to them and validating the words they've spoken to you about what they're experiencing. You could ask some open-ended questions as well rather than shifting the topic straight off them and maybe back onto you like, what was that like for you and how did it make you feel? Now, be mindful of your own urge to speak. If you notice yourself preparing a response, which I do the time refocus, remind yourself this is about them right now, not me. Practice empathy over comparison. Perhaps we think that sharing our experience with them is really important for them to feel, know that you feel the same way as them, but instead of saying that, a really good thing to say would be, I can really understand that this is challenging for you. Now, why does this really matter? Why can't you just talk over the top of them and engage in the conversation?
(09:29):
Because what happens is people won't talk to you anymore. If they don't feel seen or heard, then they're not going to communicate things to you because you don't listen. It'll help strengthen your communication not only in your personal life, but in your work life as well. And it creates a space for really deep meaningful conversations. And I know some of you people might not actually want one of those. So I want to look at building our listening skills and our talking set in relation to the MBTI personalities, the first preference of extroversion and introversion. So if you're a returning listener, welcome back and if you're new here, lemme give you a quick refresher on these first two preferences. Now, introverts are energized by their inner world of thoughts and ideas and extroverts gain energy from the outer world of people and activities. We can all use both preferences, but we typically have one that really feels more natural and comfortable for us.
(10:24):
Now, this dynamic can be really interesting in relationships. So let's look at an introvert and an extrovert couple, for example. Now the extrovert might dominate that conversation asking questions and not always pausing for a response. Meanwhile, their introverted partner may feel very unheard and not engaged at all, or the introvert might simply just not want to discuss a particular subject, shut it down and leave the extrovert wondering what went wrong. Here's something that surprises people, though an introvert truly comfortable in their environment or with a couple of glasses of wine in them can talk endlessly. Take my husband Paul. He's an introvert. And as you may have gathered, all I'm an extrovert. And what's funny is when we are alone together, he actually does most of the talking, and there are times when I feel that I'm not the one being heard. However, when we're in a larger group, that dynamic shifts, I tend to take over the conversation because my energy just soars in social settings.
(11:27):
Whereas his energy naturally retreats, now he and I need to be alone and out of the house to have our best conversations because we discovered early in our relationship that the home environment is just too distracting. There's always something to be done aside from listening to each other. We both have short attention spans. So in a coffee shop or a restaurant environment, we're able to focus on ourselves and our own conversations. Do you have trouble listening to each other in the home environment because there is always something going on. Maybe go out and try it and see whether it gives you a better conversation. Time going out is also the best place for us to have discussions with our children as well. Now, what happens when two introverts are in a relationship? Sometimes neither of them initiate important conversations about their needs or their concerns or in emotions.
(12:23):
They don't even ask questions about each other. They just automatically assume that silence is great and sitting in silence is quite comfortable for them. Now, the problem about this is they might sit in silence for many years each assuming that the other understands them until one day one of them leaves often without explanation. I've seen this happen many times over the years. In fact, it happened with my parents. And the heartbreaking part is that most of them felt unheard, but neither of them never actually spoke up about their feelings because you can't read a closed book, can you? So if you start talking, that would be amazing if you are sitting there now thinking, actually, I'm an introvert and so is my partner. Get outside of your heads and start sharing those inner thoughts because you might be surprised what's inside your heads when you get started. Now, on the flip side, two extroverts can also struggle. They both crave a connection and stimulation, but they might find themselves constantly seeking excitement elsewhere, new friendships, new experiences, while unintentionally neglecting the person they love the most. They might talk a lot, but seriously, are they really listening to each other? Think about your relationships. What preference are you and how do you communicate with your partner?
(13:49):
When you think about this, can you see any ways that you could improve this communication? After listening to this relationships like personalities thrive on balance. The key is not just talking, it's also understanding, adjusting, and truly hearing each other. Number two, love languages. I cannot speak highly enough about knowing and understanding your partner's love language. Now, Paul and I worked as a years ago and it was a game changer for our relationship. If you don't know your loved one's love language, those flowers and chocolates you might've just bought for Valentine's Day might be a wasted gesture and a waste of money. Your partner might have felt really loved if you'd done the dishes and made the dinner. So how do you know, unless you know, of course we probably have many more love languages, but when Gary Chapman wrote his book Five Love Languages, he started important conversations all over the world.
(14:47):
So let's just take a brief look at the five love languages. The first is words of affirmation. These people love to hear words like, oh, I really appreciate you. You are amazing. This love language thrives on kind words, compliments and verbal encouragement. A heartfelt text or a genuine I love you really goes a long way. Now, Cassie is an affirmations and a gifts person, but it really took me as a parent a long time to work out because my love language is acts of service, and all I could see through the late teens was someone who actually didn't appreciate me because they, as you know, were teens. They have a floor robe and they never really pick up after themselves. So I took her aside and I made her do the love language quiz when she was about 16, 17, and when she did it and we found out our different love languages and compared them, it made so much sense.
(15:45):
So now if she doesn an acts of service, she'll send me a picture of it or she'll let me know, and I'm able to affirm her and tell her how great she is. It really works. It really does. The second one is acts of service. Now actions speak louder than words for these people, whether it's making a cup of coffee for someone or running an errand, fixing something around the house. These small gestures really showed love through effort and care. Thoughtfulness is the key here, but what I want you to know is that as parents and caregivers, we are doing acts of service all the time, and it's not necessary because we love doing it. So it might not be your love language, but you might be involved still in many acts of service. For people who are acts of service like myself, there's a feeling of great pleasure when you help someone out or you do something for them.
(16:38):
So understand that life isn't really all about every love language. You can't have your favorite one happening all the time. Now because Paul and I are both acts of service, this really works for us because it's actually easy. Many years ago we wrote down five things that made us feel loved, and we came up with these identical lists mainly about keeping things tidy and doing things for each other. I know sounds really boring, but if Paul's outside mowing the lawns and I'm inside cooking or cleaning, we both feel so loved because it's an act of service. If Paul gives me flowers, me if he gives me chocolates, uhuh, but if he closes those curtains and cleans out the dishwashers, I am his number three receiving gifts. Now, it's not about expensive things, it's about the thought behind the gift. A handwritten note, a favorite snack, a surprise bouquet will say, I'm thinking about you.
(17:35):
It's a small and meaningful presence that count. But I do want to add in on that, that gift lovers really do love an expensive present as well. Well, in my family, anyhow, so this is Cassie's love language, and I spent a fortune on her one birthday and someone gave her a two liter bottle of Diet Coke and a block of chocolate. She was more excited about that gift than she was about any of the presents that I gave her. So I definitely had to look at how much money I was spending on those birthday presents and maybe find myself something cheaper at the time. The next one is quality time. Now, this love language craves undivided attention. Do you have anyone like that in your house? Whether it's deep conversation or a spontaneous road trip, a cozy night in the magic happens when you are really present with each other.
(18:30):
No distractions, just connection. This is so not me, okay? But if I want to connect with my son Jack as this is one of his love languages, we just go and sit in a coffee shop. I've got my cup of coffee, I'm happy he has my full attention, and we can chat for hours. And his love tank is full. Now, number five is physical touch. And just a note here, this has actually got nothing to do with the action behind that bedroom door. Okay? Hugs, hand holding snuggles. This love language is all about feeling close to someone else, whether it's a reassuring touch on the shoulder, cuddle on the couch, physical connection makes love feel real and present. So just by listening to that, do you have any idea which love language feels right for you? And can you think about anyone in your family that you might find has any of those love languages that are quite prominent?
(19:31):
Now, if you haven't done the quiz, do it. Do it together with your partner or with your kids. If they're old enough, do it tonight if you can because it's online, and we'll put the link in the show notes and it'll help you work out how best to show your love for the people that you really care about the most. Also, don't assume that you know what your partner or adult child's love language is. Get them to check out the quiz and let them determine for themselves, because as we know, we don't really know people that well. Last but not least, the third area of crucial communication, important relationship questions. Now, there are going to be people who are not going to be comfortable with the following communication questions, and I totally acknowledge that my analysis of communication has a very female and feeling lean to it.
(20:23):
So I'd just like to offer a couple of ideas that could be used for other types of people when discussing relationships. Recently, Paul and I were given a couple's communication game, not sure why, as a fun present, and when we played it twice with different couples, it was such a great way of noninvasively having a good time. While we all addressed different aspects of our relationships, but it was with humor and openness and no one felt picked on or guilty. However, it was amazing that it revealed in terms of knowledge about each other or lack of, and it really flagged some of the tender touch points in the relationships of all of us around the table. But because it was a nonthreatening environment, we could all laugh, but actually take on board the things that were being said. A male friend of mine had a great suggestion about the way he'd preferred to discuss relationship ideas.
(21:24):
For me, going to dinner and talking about our relationship, he said, I know my guard will go up right away. I'd rather play some kind of game where we think about something that came up last year and how we responded or solved it, and then imagine how famous couples might've dealt with it. Yay and Bianca, Fred and Wilmer, Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce, Walt and Skyler from Breaking Bad. That would be funny. The idea of a game is that we're not pitting ourselves against ourselves. We are comparing ourselves to the perception of other famous couples or characters of couples, and inevitably we're determining why we are in fact better people. I discussed this with my son and he totally agreed he thought it was a fantastic idea. So as you can see, it's all about understanding where each person's coming from and how it can help prevent misunderstandings and create a stronger bond between you depending on who you are.
(22:22):
Here are my three important questions that you could ask the people that you love when you hear the answers to them from whoever you are talking to. I'm hoping you'll put on your best lifting skills and hear and respond to everything that's being said. Okay? So make the effort, try really hard. Question number one, what's something small that I could do for you to make you feel truly loved and appreciated? Now, what this does is it encourages the conversation about those small things. And let's face it, the small things are really important that nurture the relationship and it can help build a stronger emotional intimacy. Number two, is there a way I can better support you when you're feeling overwhelmed and stressed? Doesn't everybody seem overwhelmed and stressed these days? Do we often talk about it or ask the person how we can help them solve it their way, not our way?
(23:19):
So this focuses on understanding emotional needs and how to offer support when the other person is challenged. Number three, what's one thing you wish we did more of together? Something that would make you feel more connected to your partner or your kids, whoever we're talking about. Life gets so busy that we lose touch with each other. We often go through those daily emotions of our day. Have a think about it because it's really easy to be detached. Remember when you used to say, I love you, and you looked each other in the eyes? Yeah, well, that's gone, hasn't it? Usually it's as you're rushing out the house, I love you as you leave the house. Do you remember when you used to kiss on the lips and for quite a period of time as well? Well, that's gone, hasn't it? You might air kiss, maybe you blow a kiss as you're leaving as well.
(24:12):
These things all disappear over time, and sometimes you just have to get back in touch with it because before you know it, someone might be feeling really unhappy. Last point to remember, do you know what? We just have to let people be. We can't control them. I feel you shuttering at that thought because if we're honest with ourselves, actually we would love to control everyone in our lives. I know I would, but we can't. So take a moment to think about something that you might've said or done where you were actually telling someone what to do and what was their reaction? Did they ignore you? Did they push back? Did they have an argument with you? And if you can't think of a time when you were forcing your advice on someone or telling them what to do, ask someone close to you. I can guarantee they can probably not only think of one time, but several occasions.
(25:12):
So be ready for the onslaught. And remember, when we ask questions, we have to listen to reply, take it on board and not respond in defense. Because if you are really asking a question, you want to know the answer, then you need to be prepared for that because that person, when they tell you straight, you're not allowed to argue or give advice. You really have to hear it and take it on. And when you take it on, you need to make a change in your relationship about what they have told you. Now, I've been trying to feed my family well forever, okay? I'm a bit of a food queen. I'm always looking after what everybody eats in my family. And at one stage, when they were younger, I did have control, well, kind of because they couldn't get out to eat anywhere else. So I was in control, and I know I shouldn't use that word, but as adults, including my husband, they eat chip food on the side that I can't stop.
(26:14):
Now, I used to get upset about it, nag, try to control, but deep down, I've known it's not possible. So now I've actually chosen to change the way I deal with it. I realize that I can only control myself and I can only change what I do. So instead of telling, I'm trying to ask questions. And as I've said in previous episodes, only give advice if it's asked for. Now, I'm not perfect at this. I want you to know I'm constantly giving advice, but I am reflecting on it when I do, because usually you'll find that when you give advice, you'll end up with an argument or a disagreement with someone. So if you just shut up and sit back, then it might be more worthwhile. Now I'm sitting back if they want to eat crap, not my problem. If they feel I'm well from eating that food, not my problem. Can I look after myself? Yes, I can. I feel so much better because I've actually taken the pressure off myself and them too, and they're kind of relieved as well. Although every now and then when they eat something, they get upset because I'm not worried about how they're feeling about it. Too bad. Try it. You might actually like it. I feel actually really good. It shortcuts back on disagreements. So this is our hardest learning by changing our reaction to a situation and not expecting others to change theirs.
(27:40):
As we finish today's episode, I want you to leave with this thought. Valentine's Day or any day really can be the perfect opportunity to reflect on relationships that mean the most to us. It's a reminder that love, connection and understanding shouldn't be reserved for just one day a year. So ask yourself, how well do you really know those you love? How do you know their needs or their communication styles or their love languages? And more importantly, are you ready to listen, adapt, and put in the effort to build stronger, more connected relationships? Remember, this isn't about changing others. It's about changing how we respond. Thank you for being with me today. I hope you've found something to take away with you, whether it's a new way of listening, deeper understanding of love languages, or just a reminder that you know what, we can always do better in our relationships.
(28:30):
If you found this helpful, please share it with a friend, and until next time, keep working on those connections. Remember, every day is an opportunity to show the people you love you care. Thank you for listening to Parenting and Personalities. If you enjoyed this episode, would love it if you could leave a rating and a review that would help others learn about the podcast. If you're interested in discovering more about you and your family's personality types, you'll find my book, who Is The Monster or Treasure My House on Booktopia or Amazon. If you have an episode idea, please send a note to thepersonalitycoach@gmail.com. Many thanks to our producers at Stories and Strategies, and we'll see you next time.