Kate Mason (00:00):
Have you ever found yourself in a conversation that felt like a game of who's right? Especially when one of you thinks with your head and the other thinks with their heart? Have you ever thought about boundaries that we have or we don't have about parents' houses and our adult kids' homes? Now, today we're going to take an in-depth look into these questions. So stick with me because trust me, these topics are going to come up at some point in your life, and when they do, it helps to be prepared. So let's have a bit of a laugh and learn more about ourselves and the people that we share our lives with, and explore some of the personality and family dynamics that shape these conversations. Hi, I'm Kate Mason and welcome to Parenting and Personalities. This is the podcast that connects you with the ones you care about the most.
(00:55):
Now, my first question today comes from not just one person, but several of my feeling type friends have come to me really exasperated and asking the same thing. What am I doing wrong? Every time I say something, give advice or share information. This one particular person or many shoot me down with. What's your evidence about that? Now, I know, right? This is my life. I am constantly shot down in flames. When I talk to certain family members, I could say that the sky was blue and they would argue with me that over that, seriously, it's not a silly thing to say that it's blue, is it? However, before writing this, I thought I'd actually better take a look at the fact of whether it is blue. It turns out actually it's not just blue. Blue is a shorter wavelength than the other colors. And when it enters the earth's atmosphere and the sun is high, it looks blue.
(01:54):
But during sunset and sunrise, the lights that pass through the thicker layer of the atmosphere scatter those short rays, the blue and the violet out of view, and allow longer wavelengths, red, yellow, and orange to dominate, which create the colors that we associate with thorn and dusk. So honestly, who knew? Now we're all a little bit wiser, but to tell the truth, I don't really care. I was just making conversation. But these are the logical facts that the thinkers want to hear and know. I mean, picture this, you're sharing something from the heart. Maybe you are encouraging someone offering advice or just making a general statement that actually feels true to you, but instead of a nod or an agreement or a warm ah, that makes sense, you get hit with, but how do you know that's true? So on my morning walk yesterday with my daughter, who by the way is a very strong extroverted thinking type, and she gives it to me straight, believe me, I asked her why do thinking types fill that need to debate conversations as if we are wrong?
(03:01):
And she looked at me and she said, well, for starters, mum, you are usually wrong. You're always making stuff up. And then she said, you feeling types come into conversations without any logical backup. How are we supposed to take you seriously if you don't have facts to back up what you're saying? I guess I just had to laugh because yes, that's exactly how most thinking types see it for feeling types. This kind of response can feel really dismissive and cold. And honestly, it feels like a personal attack. It's like someone saying to us, I don't believe you. Or you know what? Your response just makes no sense. But here's the thing for us, thinking types don't really mean it that way at all. Well, most of the time, I think in the meantime, we feeling types are going over. Do we really need hard data to have a conversation with you when I'm just talking about kindness and supporting you emotionally?
(03:58):
So today, let's unpack that dynamic, but we're not going to do it through deep research, okay? But we're going to do it through good old fashioned common sense about why thinking and feeling types run into this same dilemma over and over again. And more importantly, how can we get past that and still talk to each other? So let's take a quick look at the MBTI thinking and feeling preferences and how they affect the kind of thoughts that we have and the language that we use. Thinkers and feelers in the M-B-T-I-F tend to follow language and thoughts very differently due to their preferences. Now, thinking of feeling once again is not about intelligence and it's not about emotional iq. It's about how we prioritize our information and we make decisions. Now, thinkers tend to value logic, efficiency, and directness makes sense. And feelers focus on emotional impact, relationships and harmony.
(04:53):
Neither's wrong. We can all do both, but wow, if that's our preference, sometimes we really rub each other up the wrong way. Thinkers language can come across as harsh to us feelers because it often lacks emotional consideration. It seems overly focused on objectivity and efficiency, and sometimes it really feels like criticism rather than what they might think of as constructive feedback. However, the same way goes for feeling types. Their language can at times be perceived as really excessively emotional and subjective, particularly by the thinking types who prioritize logic and objectivity. Therefore, when the thinking type uses questioning to help them find the logic of an answer of the person they're talking to, they can sound really harsh and critiquing. So listener, my first example of helpful criticism comes from a feeling type friend of mine who has a mother who often comments on her physical appearance, what she should wear, how she should exercise more, and what would look better on her.
(06:04):
And worse yet, perhaps the suggestion that she made that liposuction might help her get rid of those saddlebag thighs. Oh my God, how crushing is this? I'm actually not sure anyone could handle that advice very well. It feels really psychologically damaging. However, by prioritizing accuracy and effectiveness over emotional impact, sometimes thinking types often genuinely believe that being direct is the best way to help someone improve. She didn't think she meant to hurt her. It was just meant to provide clarity, but to her feeling type daughter that really cut deep for the feeling type, this can honestly come across as harsh and critical because they feel picked on, not supported, but her mother's perspective was that she was being helpful. Her thought process is, I care about you and I need to tell you exactly what you can fix, and that way you'll look better and I'll help you make things better.
(07:05):
Problem with this feeling type doesn't operate that way. They're not wired to take that blunt help. They're more likely to feel rejected or unworthy because they value warmth and encouragement over those cold hard facts. And to tell the truth, I want you to know that I don't think that oh, thinking type people would really accept that kind of judgment. So instead of hearing this outfit would suit you better, they hear, oh, you don't look good as you are. So how can we change our reaction to the way we speak in these situations? Whether we're thinking or feeling types or just humans who need to be dealt with tact and respect. First thing to remember for feeling types, thinking types that might talk like this are not actually out there to crush your soul, okay? They genuinely believe they're handing you useful information, kind of like your cat when they drop that half dead mouse at your feet, they're really proud of their job and you are like, Ooh.
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So does it mean that you have to like it? Absolutely not. But knowing that they come from a place of logic and not malice can help you respond without spiraling into that existential despair. And hey, it's perfectly fine to set boundaries, something like, I appreciate your insights, but could you keep that to me if I ask you rather than just let me know. Hard pass on unsolicited opinions. Now, the takeaway of all of this is that thinking types aren't trying to be mean. They're wired to prioritize logic and feeling types aren't being too sensitive. They're wired to prioritize emotional connection. Still a tough one because thinking people can give it unwittingly, but they actually don't like being criticized either. One of my other friends who was feeling very criticized and unappreciated was telling me about her thinking teenagers conversations with her, she's determined to feed her thinking teens, healthily, which many of us are, and it is really, really hard.
(09:10):
She refuses to take them to fast food restaurants and home cooks their meals for them. And of course they're always complaining, oh, why don't you get us takeaway? So when she responds with a feeling, oh look, I made this because it's so much healthier for you. Instead of the gratitude that she was expecting to receive, she gets bombarded with questions. How do you know it's healthier? What's your source of knowledge and where's the evidence about this? Does this happen to you or do you do it to other people? So for my friend, she feels dismissed. Her care and efforts are being challenged, but for her thinking type kids just a reasonable question. If we're going to have to call it healthy and eat it, we've got to have some proof, right? So we fairly types don't think that we necessarily have to peer review a study and hand it over to show our kids or our family or anyone that's listening that fresh foods better than processed food.
(10:07):
Thinky types, however, love precise information. They want to know why something is true and not just take someone's word for it. So how do we navigate these differences without turning every conversation into a debate, which happens in my household most of the time or worse, a battle of hurt feelings. So if you are a thinking type in your relating to this before offering direct criticism or potentially being a really lovely person and helping someone out, consider how it might be received. Think about your audience. Are they similar to you or do they appear more sensitive? If so, change your conversation style and a little warmth and explanation can go a long way. And for feeling types, when a thinking type questions your statement, don't take it as an attack. They're not doubting you, they genuinely won't understand, and if you can provide that extra little reasoning, they'll respect your viewpoint even more.
(11:05):
I'm never going to say it in the skyes blue again in my family, that bit of research has saved me a lot of discussion. So think about that. At the end of the day, it's all about recognizing both thinking and feeling. Types bring valuable perspectives. One isn't better than the other. They offer different ways of processing the information they receive in the world. And when we understand where the other person's coming from, hopefully we can move them that frustration and possibly anger to appreciation. And maybe in some situations we just have to go with understanding who they are. What do you think? Have you ever felt frustrated when someone questioned what you said? Did it feel like they were doubting you or wanting more information? Or are you the questioner and you've never actually thought about how you might affect other people? So here's one small thing you could do to communicate with other people better take time to listen and hear them and make sure that your answers are kind and tactful and respectful.
(12:08):
Now, the next question today comes from me to you, whether you're an adult child, a parent of an adult child, or just something to think about for when your children get older. What did leaving home look like for you? For me, and many of my generation, our parents had to either boot us out, lack of space for all those adult bodies, or we left because we wanted to have a place that wasn't the backseat of a car to have sex in. So for my kid's generation, maybe you as a parent or an adult child, you could all be still living in that same space nowadays because houses are so much bigger, two living areas, two bathrooms and maybe more liberal parents for that overnight stay of the girlfriend or boyfriend. However, at some stage, hopefully the adult kids will leave that comfy nest and live independently either alone or with a partner.
(12:57):
Now, I have adult children who I love dearly, and our house has always been an open welcoming space for them, and they're wonderful partners. Both have lived independently, but now they've bought homes with their partners. And I found myself thinking, what do I want in this next chapter of life to look like for all of us? Over the past few months, my daughter and her husband have lived with Paul and myself waiting for their house to be ready. And honestly, it's been an easy, enjoyable time. We all get along really well. And meanwhile, my son's a constant visitor sometimes with his partner, sometimes solo, and it's lovely to have them around so much. But now as they settle into their own homes, a thought struck me, what happens next? Where are our family boundaries now? How do we redefine our roles as parents? Now our kids are building their own families and homes, and how can we balance being present in their lives without overstepping or infringing on their space and independence?
(13:56):
Are we going to just show up unannounced and waltz in when they're not home? My answer is absolutely not. And please if you haven't thought about this, now, do so for your relationship with your child and their partner. And if you are the child, think about it as well because it needs something to be talked about with these boundaries. Now, listen to here if you are a parent, because my generation of parents and perhaps even a few more are stuffing this up badly. We are all so close to our kids, very different from when I grew up, and many parents are emotionally unable to relinquish that hold of them. Now, none of this is malicious. It's because of love, but it needs to be pointed out. We love them so much, but letting 'em go can be the best thing for them. I've heard stories of parents going their adult child and partner's house without asking when they're not home and doing jobs for them, like washing, cooking, ironing, rechanging, their washing because it's not the way they like it.
(15:02):
Oh my goodness, all done with good intention. But without asking, imagine how those children feel invaded. If you want a good relationship with your child's partner, do not do this. I would've died if my parents or worst of all my mother-in-law had done that to me. I mean, imagine the stress of keeping your house spotless every time you leave it just in case someone pops in unannounced. And the pressure of knowing that someone might judge you for leaving a few dishes in sink or heaven forbid, that pair of knickers on the floor, just the fact that someone else is in your house without you knowing makes you feel a little bit sick. So what about you? Have you ever found yourself pushing boundaries, either your owns or someone else's, and you haven't realized it? Have you had a conversation with your adult children about boundaries or your parents, or are you assuming that everybody just knows what's going to be the best for everyone?
(16:00):
If you are a parent, are you overstepping those invisible lines of respect and autonomy? These are tough, but really important questions to ask ourselves as we navigate these evolving family dynamics, are we helping or hindering our relationships? So I want you to know boundaries really matter, and I don't want to surprise them by letting myself in, and actually I would like the same respect from them in return. So I had to think about it because it's all about keeping those great relationships going, but without the unnecessary stress of surprise visits or inspections. So I had this discussion with my children today, and let me tell you, it was very interesting. And if you haven't had this chat with your own kids or with your parents yet, I highly recommend it. I'll give you some ideas on how to approach it. But here's how mine went.
(16:53):
I asked Jack and Cass how they'd feel if Paul and I just dropped in unannounced just for fun, and if we had a key to their place and let ourselves in whenever we wanted, they were horrified. I mean really, truly appalled. They said, my God, you can't do that. That's an invasion of privacy. So I assured them, it's okay. I agree with you. No one needs that kind of stress. So we all decided that a spare key will be kept on both all of our properties for emergencies only, and at no time will we ever presume to just walk in without warning or permission. And then I turned the tables on them and I said, look, we're always happy to have you guys drop in too, but it'd be great if you gave us a heads up first and showed us the same courtesy. And then just to really drive the point home and let's be honest, make them feel a little bit uncomfortable.
(17:44):
I casually added, and I mean, you know what? You wouldn't want to walk in on dad and me having sex, would you? They nearly threw up on the spot and safe to say that we won't be having any unexpected gifts when they've moved out. Mission accomplished. But of course, we still want our kids to fill at home when they visit. I know that when my brothers and I used to drop in an our mom's house, the first thing we did was raid her fridge or pantry before sitting down to chat. You might've been the same. So I just said to my kids, feel free to do the same thing, but just check in first when you are looking in the fridge, because if I'm only shopping for two, you could very well be eating our dinner. And I told them also to resist those childhood habits of leaving the dishes in the sink, clothing lying around, and the toilets unflushed.
(18:30):
Then I said, look, if it does keep happening, dad and I are really happy to come and do the same thing at your place. They were very quick to announce that they're never going to do that either. We'll wait and see. Now. This is such an easy, relaxed conversation because instead of telling them what to do, I asked, and honestly, that worked so much better. So here's my biggest takeaway. Don't tell. Ask and listen and hear me again. Do not tell your adult kids what to do. Instead, ask the questions and help them discover the answers themselves. They're adults. Did we like being told what to do by our parents? Nope. Well, I certainly didn't. So if you're tempted to dish out advice, ask first if they want it. If they do, go for gold. If not, keep quiet. Let them figure things out and make their own mistakes.
(19:23):
We all did. We learned so much from our mistakes. They were some of the most important things that we do in our lifetime because it teaches us. In the meantime, focus on looking after yourself. And if you have a husband or a partner looking after your relationship, because this is the time, this is your time as well to shine. I'm going to leave you with a few tips on how to manage that conversation with your young adults or your parents or parents-in-law. Have a discussion in a comfortable environment, not in one person's territory. So try not to do it in anyone's house. Try and do it at a coffee shop or dinner. Introduce it in a light form. Just say you're going to start establishing some new boundaries. And if you're a parent, do exactly the same thing. Discuss that parents who previously had a key and open access to their child's home need to reevaluate these boundaries because your children are moving in with someone or they might not feel comfortable anymore.
(20:22):
I know that my husband bowls in and out of my children's house when they lived independently and they didn't care, but it's time for a change. Now, you are transitioning from parent child into adult adult relationship. At this stage, we as parents should treat our adult child and their partner as independent adults. Some families choose to give parents a key for emergency, whereas others prefer that they'll keep it totally private. If parents and adult children are given a key, there should be clear rules around how it's used IE as an emergency rather than a casual drop in. Work out what works best for you all. It might mean knocking, asking permission or scheduling visits just as you might do with a friend. Now, if you are a parent who's used to overmanaging your child or very, very close and feels that you might get a bit upset around this or you're struggling with the ideal of giving your adult child more independence, maybe it's time for you to start through the process of letting go, allowing your child to step into adulthood without the weight of emotional baggage, particularly from a parent, can help them to grow and flourish on their own terms.
(21:33):
It's time for you to look for other ways to have fun. Now, communication, as I always say, is everything have perceptions and our assumptions if they're not talked about, create great conflict and disagreement. So what we have to do is have clear, respectful dialogue that ensures that boundaries are understood and respected and it leaves no room for confusion and everybody's on the same page. Now, my final thought about all this is that once an adult child builds a life with a partner, their household becomes a new family unit separate from their parents. Even if that parent child relationship's always being close, it's really essential to prioritize that respect and communication boundaries and maintain those healthy family dynamics. As we wrap up today's episode, I want to live you with a little food for thought. We've looked at the world of thinking and feeling types, how they communicate and approach decisions, and how those differences play out in relationships, and how changing your approach can help you have great discussions and maybe some really good debates.
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But the real question here is how are you showing up in your relationship with your adult kids? Are you the parent that they turn to for advice and support? Or are you unintentionally becoming the overprotective helicopter figure that makes them want to hit snooze when you call? Are you treating them with understanding and respect that they need to carve out their own path? Or are you holding onto them with invisible strings? Here's the challenge for you. How can you better understand and communicate with your child or your partner based on their preferences, whether they're more thinker or feeler? Are you creating a space for adult children's independence or are you clinging to the past wrapped up in those emotions that might keep them from fully stepping into adulthood and vice versa as an adult child, are you giving your parents the freedom to enjoy their latter years of life, not totally bound by commitments to you, and most importantly, for every parent, even those who are not at this stage of life?
(23:36):
What kind of parent do you want to be in their eyes? Do you want to be the one they confide in and grow with or the one they have to dodge in order to breathe? So take a moment to reflect on your relationship with your adult kids. Think about how you can meet them where they are, embrace their differences, and build a bond that's based on respect and trust and a lot of humor. Thanks for tuning in, and if you know a friend or someone that would really benefit from this episode, please feel free to share it with them. And until next time, keep those conversations real open and above all full of understanding. Thank you for listening to Parenting and Personalities. If you enjoyed this episode, would love it if you could leave a rating and a review that would help others learn about this podcast. If you are interested in discovering more about you and your family's personality types, you'll find my book, who Is This Monster or Treasure in My House on Booktopia or Amazon? If you have an episode idea, please send a note to the personality coach@gmail.com. Many thanks to our producers at Stories and Strategies, and we'll see you next time.