Kate Mason (00:01):
Now, let's be real for a second. Have you ever caught yourself in the same kind of relationship over and over again? Even when you're actually trying to break that cycle? It's like no matter how hard you try, it just keeps happening. And what if it's not just about the chemistry that you have with those people? Maybe it's something deeper, even deeper than you think. Maybe it's from your past and something that's shaping that that draws you to these people. And how do you think that your own childhood experiences might play into the type of person that we end up with? And do you ever feel like those past relationships are kind of sneaking into your new ones? Wouldn't it be amazing if you could let go of all that baggage that you have from past relationships and step into something fresh, free and unburdened? And with dating apps taking over, how do we move past that endless swiping and actually create a real connection?
(00:57):
Because this must feel like finding a needle in a haystack, right? So what is that secret to making dating work? And how well do you know yourself when it comes to love? What if understanding your own relationship patterns could help you avoid the same mistakes and build a love life that will actually last? Sounds like a real game changer, doesn't it? Well, my wonderful guest and I are going to explore all of these questions today, so hang in there with us. I'm really excited to explore this with you and hopefully share some insights that can make a real difference. So let's do this. Hi, I'm Kate Mason, and welcome to Parenting and Personalities. This is the podcast that connects you to the ones you care about the most.
(01:48):
I'm so excited to have the lovely Nicole Colantoni with me today to chat about online dating and the kind of relationships we're really all looking for. Nicole is a trauma-informed dating and relationship coach, eHarmony, Australia's dating expert, and she's the host of the highly regarded podcast, love Uncensored, the Modern Guide to Dating and Relationships. Now CO's got some serious experience. After around 201st dates over nine years, she's learned a thing or two about what works and just as importantly, who she needed to become to be ready for a real lasting relationship. Nicole helps others transform their love lives by taking a holistic inside out approach to self-care, dating and relationships. She truly believes that when we understand our own patterns and work through them, we can break free from old habits and build more secure and meaningful connections. No matter what your age or stage of life, you are not too old or too young to hear this. Every bit of today's chat is definitely worth a listen. Hi, Nicole. Welcome to Parenting and Personalities. I am very excited to have you here with me today.
Nicole Colantoni (02:58):
Hi, Kate. Thank you so much for having me. I'm also so excited to chat to you today.
Kate Mason (03:02):
Cool. We've got so much to share. The first part I'd love you to start with is if you could tell our listener how you came into being a relationship coach and what was it that started all of that? What history started that?
Nicole Colantoni (03:17):
Yeah, I mean, how long do you have, Kate?
Kate Mason (03:22):
We'll go back as far as you'd like to.
Nicole Colantoni (03:24):
Yeah, so I grew up in a dysfunctional home environment and as a result of that, I have always been obsessed with understanding human behavior, psychology, the mind. And I knew that I really wanted to help people later in life. And so I went on to study psychology coaching, and in 2016 I started my own life coaching business and I was working with both men and women and I really enjoyed it, but I felt like something was missing. And at the time I was also single and I was dating a lot. And oftentimes after a date, I would get home and I would shoot off these voice notes to my friends about my dating experiences. And over and over again I would receive responses from my friends just saying, you need to start your own podcast, airing the reality of what it's like to date as a modern woman.
(04:27):
And I really believe that the universe will send you the same message over and over again until you listen. And I just kept receiving the same message from my friends. Start a podcast, you need to share your story. And so I did. I think it was around, I started working on launching a podcast in 2020 and I think it launched in 2021, and it was called Single at 30, the Manual for the Modern Woman. And I was basically just talking about the trials and tribulations of dating from my perspective. And I was really nervous to launch it because it was really vulnerable, it was real, it was raw. And overnight, I started receiving hundreds of messages from women all around the world talking about their own experience with dating. A lot of them were voice notes as well, which was wonderful. And from there I realized that there was actually a need to help people when it came to their love lives. And I decided very soon after to rebrand and specialize in dating and relationships and essentially I've never looked back. It's the best decision I've ever made.
Kate Mason (05:41):
Absolutely. So with the dating and relationships, you've also done some writing for some columns in various things. So what did you do there?
Nicole Colantoni (05:51):
Yeah, so I was approached by PopSugar Australia and they asked whether I would be interested to have my own dating column. And of course I said yes. And yeah, I worked with them for a few years and essentially once a month I would put out a column to do with dating and relationships. We covered all sorts of things in the realm of dating and relationships. And it was really exciting because obviously I'm working one-on-one with so many clients, and so I'm hearing firsthand some of the issues or concerns that they're experiencing. And then I would just write about it each month.
Kate Mason (06:37):
Great. So you had your actual core topic sitting there with us ready to go. How great. And people love a good story. A story is the most important way of telling information and giving it out to people, isn't it? So what is the problem with dating and no, not the problem. What are the many, many problems that people are having? Can you give us
Nicole Colantoni (07:00):
A
Kate Mason (07:00):
Handle on some of those?
Nicole Colantoni (07:03):
Yeah. Well listen, I think that dating's changed a lot over the years with the advent of dating apps. And in many ways I think that that is a wonderful thing, right? We are exposed to a lot more people on a daily basis than we ordinarily would have. Typically, you were introduced to people through friends or at work or your gym, and if you're lucky, maybe you were approached in real life. And so the landscape has evolved so much. And I think that while that's a good thing, I think that people are still learning how to meet people online. It, it's a different way to put yourself out there. And so a lot of people are looking for support when it comes to creating a dating app profile that is going to appeal to the type of person that they're looking for. And oftentimes people don't know how to communicate who they are.
(08:07):
And so that's where I come in and I offer that objective perspective. But then of course, people are also looking for support around how to have the perfect opening line or how to chat to somebody that they've never met before. And then how to approach the first date. That can be really scary to meet somebody that you've never met before. And I always encourage people, focus on connecting rather than impressing. Try to communicate who you are by being your most authentic self and try to identify early on whether there is a value alignment, try to look beyond their looks or their job title or where they grew up, but try to figure out is this somebody who I can actually enjoy being around and share my life with? But I think in terms of the problems that I see pop up over and over again, it often has to do around things like communication. It has to do with how to repair conflict, right? Because we're not taught this stuff in school.
Kate Mason (09:26):
No, we're not.
Nicole Colantoni (09:27):
Yeah, there's no manual when it comes to dating and relationships. So often we're just learning through trial and error. And then I think of course, how to choose the right person for you. Again, oftentimes we learn through putting ourselves out there and getting hurt along the way, which is part of the process. It's all a learning experience. But I think what the most interesting thing about my work so far has been realizing that a lot of the problems that we run into when it comes to dating and relationships originates from our childhood.
Kate Mason (10:02):
So when you see that, how do you see that in people's behaviors? How does that come to mind? Or is it the fact that they keep failing at dates and they keep picking the same kind of people? Or how does that work?
Nicole Colantoni (10:17):
Yeah, I mean, it's an interesting use of the word fail because I actually don't think that you can fail. I like to view dating and relationships as one big learning experience. So there's no such thing as a failed relationship, and there's no such thing as a waste of time from my perspective at least. But yeah, I think that oftentimes people will come to me and say, I don't know why I keep attracting the wrong type of person, or I don't know why I keep experiencing the same relationship dynamics or patterns. And the question is, well, okay, where does that come from? And oftentimes, I like to look back in time in order to understand how we got here. So as an example of that could be maybe they come from divorced parents and maybe one of their parents cheated on the other, and then all of a sudden we start to connect the dots and realize that every relationship they've ever been in has resulted in cheating. And why is that? Because we're creatures of habit. We seek out the familiar and what is familiar to us is typically what was modeled to us. And so it's very unconscious oftentimes. And so my job is to make the unconscious conscious essentially.
Kate Mason (11:36):
So when you make it conscious, what kind of things do you teach the person that you're dealing with to know that next time they won't go down that same path.
Nicole Colantoni (11:47):
So the first step is self-awareness, right? What are some of the most common pain points that you are experiencing? What are the patterns or dynamics that are following you around in each of your relationships? If you find that you are drawn to partners who are emotionally unavailable or who cheat on you or who criticize you over and over again, well why is that? Why is it that you are drawn to that particular type of person? And oftentimes you'll find that it's because the partners we're attracted to exhibit the very same traits of our primary caregivers, essentially who are typically our parents, and sometimes they can be grandparents or aunts and uncles. And so once we start to connect the dots, then we can start to recognize what the warning signs are, what the red flags are. And then over time, the idea is that we can start to choose differently.
(12:52):
So you might meet somebody who you're really drawn to, there's an attraction, which is often your nervous system just going, this person feels familiar. But then if you learn that they have a drinking problem and that dad had a drinking problem, or maybe mom had a drinking problem, then you can say, is this person safe or healthy for me? Is this a wise decision to pursue a connection with this person? And it's not necessarily a deal breaker, but it requires expiration. And then sometimes you might come to the conclusion that actually while there is an attraction, this person isn't suitable for me.
Kate Mason (13:32):
And you can't fix people really, people, it's
Nicole Colantoni (13:35):
Not your responsibility. That's right. I don't judge people on where they come from or anything to do with their past. The question is, what have you learned from that and who do you want to be moving forward? And so if somebody does have a history of drinking and that's something that you struggled with in your upbringing, then you want to explore that and say, okay, well what are you doing about that to work on that? Right? Do you see yourself being a drinker for the rest of your life because that's not aligned with what I'm looking for.
Kate Mason (14:11):
And that's really hard to sit in that and say that because you know that if the answer is no, you're not going to help yourself, then you really have to take yourself out of that relationship, don't you?
Nicole Colantoni (14:21):
Yeah. Or accepts that that is going to be a common theme in your relationship and something that's going to require management. And some people are up for the task, but oftentimes just it's better to recognize what your triggers are so that you can choose whether you want to pursue that type of relationship.
Kate Mason (14:47):
So these days with dating online, do people pick the same person online? Do you get what I mean? It's really hard to know when you are not face-to-face with someone. And for me, that's also important, the face-to-face and talking and not texting and all of that type of thing. So do people continually pick the same people online? Is there a way that does happen?
Nicole Colantoni (15:15):
It's actually a really good question, Kate. And I think that this is the beauty of online dating. You are exposed to people that you wouldn't ordinarily cross paths with. It widens the dating pool. And so in one sense, I do think that people are matching with people that they wouldn't ordinarily be drawn to. But what I have observed is that over time you will typically find out that there are still some of those same traits and behaviors that have followed you around in previous relationships showing up again, because we've been talking about it's deeply unconscious. It's not necessarily just based on how somebody looks. It has to do with their communication style, their level of effort, their interests, and so yeah, it's quite nuanced in that
Kate Mason (16:09):
Sense. Yeah. So when you talk about building a relationship, a lot of the things that you talk about are things that I talk about with really great communication, understanding where the other person is and exploring everything about them basically, because a lot of the time people don't. And when you're in a first in love and in a new relationship, you don't actually get to the nitty gritty of what you really want. So what do you advise people to do when they get past that new love phase and to really explore their relationship and make sure that they can make it a long lasting one?
Nicole Colantoni (16:44):
Yeah. Yeah, it's a good question. I think that in the early stages you have all of the feel-good hormones, which essentially makes you obsessed with one another. And then when those hormones start to subside, which is actually a good thing because it allows you to get on with your life.
Kate Mason (17:05):
Otherwise, you'd be having sex for years, wouldn't you?
Nicole Colantoni (17:07):
Exactly. You wouldn't leave the bedroom, you wouldn't get anything done, never see your friends wouldn't go to work. You start to notice some of your partner's imperfections, if you will,
(17:24):
And that's when conflict starts to take place. And then all of a sudden you might be fighting or nitpicking, and that isn't necessarily a bad thing. That is actually an opportunity for growth to work on those issues that are taking place. I think that really when it comes to looking for the right type of partner, what you want is value alignment. Are our values aligned? Do we have a shared vision for the future? Is this somebody that I can grow and evolve with? Because life is going to test you, right? Obstacles are going to get in the way and you're going to endure adversity. That is just how life works. And so you really want to know that the person that you're in a relationship with is going to weather the storm with you and not view it as a deal breaker and not throw in the towel or not judge you, because it would be ideal if we could always show up and be our best selves.
(18:31):
But unfortunately, that's not always the case. And you really want to know that the person you're in a relationship with is able to hold space for you when you're feeling down and out or to support you when you're not always behaving in a way that's representative of your highest self. And so you want somebody who is able to learn how to be in communication with you and who is able to repair conflict. I always say conflict doesn't have to be this scary thing. It's actually something that should bring you closer if you're both committed to the health and longevity of the relationship. So essentially, I think that when it comes to being in a relationship with someone, you want to look for someone who has similar values to you, has a shared vision for the future, and is open to growing and evolving with you.
Kate Mason (19:30):
And it's really a two-way street because you can't expect that of someone else without giving that back either. That's a really important thing too, is it's not all about me and my values and what I care about. It's all about coming from your point of view and you changing as well possibly to meet people at where they're at too.
Nicole Colantoni (19:49):
A hundred percent. I always say to people, you are only one half of the equation. It doesn't matter how much you work on yourself, how many books you read about self-development, if your partner isn't also open and receptive to these things. And that's where a lot of couples run into problems because there's typically always one that's more committed to making the relationship work. And that's not necessarily a bad thing because I do think that oftentimes our partners have different strengths and weaknesses to us, but if you're constantly running into the same issues and your partner isn't taking accountability for how they're contributing to that, then it's really, really difficult to make a relationship work.
Kate Mason (20:31):
It is. And in my work I dealing with personalities and different types of people understanding that, look, my husband is a thinking type, he's a very logical thinker and makes decisions based on his critiquing, and I'm a feeling type, and I make my decisions based on my empathy. Now, for us, that was almost a deal breaker initially, and I always say before I discovered personalities and type, because I had no idea, we have no idea. We are not taught, like you say at school, about people, personalities, what kind of ways to communicate, how do we handle conflict? Because then we enter relationships and we have relationships with everybody in our life, and none of us can sort them out. There's no education around. So I agree with you. I think that's a huge thing. And I think that people need to educate themselves all the time around the sky.
(21:23):
There are people like you and myself out there who've got different strengths in different areas around relationships and understanding them. And people should just go on learning, because some people have an innate, they do have an innate way of understanding people. But without the work that I'd done for myself, we wouldn't be here today because his language is totally different to mine. But I had to sit there and go, he's not trying to hurt me. He's just using his language in a very logical manner, which I feel is actually critiquing me, but he's not. And so he feels that my language is a bit sappy and overwhelming. And so just small things in understanding each other. So we moderate our language and I understand now there's no way I'll let my feelings get hurt. So I have to make that choice that I choose to understand where that's coming from.
(22:13):
So there is so much in all of this. I just, it's a massive can of worms, so to speak, or a can of fun, because the more that you look at it, the more fun it is. If you look at relationships and how people work, I think if you invest heavily in how do people work and what they're like, it's a really great journey just to look at the people around you and understand that. And I think you're right with conflict, even I don't deal with conflict well, so how do you tell people to deal with conflict? I think that's a real art.
Nicole Colantoni (22:50):
Yeah. Well, to your point, I mean, we're all constantly learning. And so you could be in one relationship where you never fight, and then in the next, all you do is fight. So people bring out different sides of us depending on what the relationship dynamic is like. And especially when you're in a romantic relationship, what often happens is all of our wounding from our childhood comes to the surface because the relationship with our partner is not all that dissimilar to the relationship with our parents, right? Because we're so close to them. And we as a result of that feel completely comfortable just being ourselves. And part of that is allowing all of our wounding and lived experience to come to the surface. And I think that you might find yourself in a situation where your partner says or does something, and all of a sudden you don't know why it has caused such a big reaction in you.
(23:58):
But if you can both be curious about that and say, Hey, what's coming up for you right now? How can I support you through this? Then you can learn a lot about not only yourself, but your partner. And then maybe the narrative is when you say or do that, it makes me feel insecure or threatened, or you don't care about me or value me. And then it's like, am I understanding this correctly? And you give your partner an opportunity to share their perspective. Of course not. I just wanted to go out with the boys. I didn't want to make you feel like I didn't care. Is it okay if I go out with the boys on Friday and then we have a date night on Saturday? Would that make you feel better? And then it's like, oh, okay. I think context is so important, but oftentimes we'll just assume the worst case scenario.
(24:50):
And so I always tell people, get curious before you get catastrophic, right? Share what's coming up from you, but from a place of curiosity, say things like, am I understanding this correctly? Can you help me to understand this better? And the idea is if you are in a healthy relationship, the person that you're in relationship with will be more than willing to sit down with you and understand what's coming up from a place of acceptance. I think as soon as you start judging one another, you start to run into problems. You start to point the finger, get dispensing, become critical. And then I see oftentimes a lot of couples, they start to keep score. And by that point, you're
Kate Mason (25:37):
Not even listening. No,
Nicole Colantoni (25:38):
Exactly. Exactly.
Kate Mason (25:41):
No, that's a fantastic thing to say because I agree with that. I think that curiosity is huge. And the thing is that when you're asking curious questions, usually they don't put the other person into a defense mode either. And my thing is too, that our perception of what the other person says is very often wrong. Very often if we turn things around. I was even talking to someone last night and they were saying that a friend of theirs who's a hairdresser, someone that we know had spoken to them and said, oh, look, how's the cutting going? And this person felt put down as if his job wasn't relevant enough because the other person worked in quite a high powered business role. And yet that was not the way that he had said that. And this person has walked away quite wounded and upset by that fact.
(26:37):
But if he'd turned around and said, oh, look, just wondering what do you think of the hairdressing or whatever, the other person would've said, amazing. I can't believe you guys do the job that you do. But instead that sat there for 20 years, just that little thing. So we have to think about how many times do we walk away misunderstanding what the other person has actually said? And like you say, when you get curious and you ask that question, you ask what their point of view is. Very often, in fact, I would say, how much would you say percent of the time that they would be wrong?
Nicole Colantoni (27:12):
Absolutely. Everything is a matter of perception. And I think that communication has the ability to make or break a relationship. Oftentimes when we don't communicate with our partners, it creates all of this distance in the relationship. But then if we don't know how to communicate in healthy ways, it can create even more distance in the relationship. But I think a good rule of thumb to remember is that 90% of the time when we are triggered, it has nothing to do with the present. So I could spend an hour before my date on Saturday night getting ready and then walk out into the living room, and my partner doesn't compliment me. And that might just really upset me, and I might be really snappy in response, and my partner might be like, where is this coming from? Sure, maybe in an ideal world, it would've been nice for him to compliment me, but often what you'll find is it takes me all the way back to being a little girl where I didn't feel seen by my family. While I don't mean to invalidate anybody's experience because everyone's feelings are valid, it's always important to challenge the perception.
Kate Mason (28:23):
Yeah. Your work that you do with the inner child, I would love to talk to you about that at another time. Yeah, definitely. Because I think that that's really huge. And look, my generation, everyone I know that I talk to, we haven't heard about that. And I think it is really, really important. And delving back into the past and looking at those things is only something that's come up very recently in my husband and myself, our lives. I mean, we did meet on our first date and our first thing we said to each other was, my dad left when I was 14. And he said, oh, my mom left when I was 14. And that actually was the thing that we initially spoke about when we got together. But when you start talking about old wounds, never really, really looked at it, made it 44 years together to where we are today. But looking back on that is a fascinating thing. Not only for us, but looking back on our parents' lives and where they came from has been huge, and understanding their childhood trauma and how it's reflected in what they've done has been a really big learning experience. And it's speaking to people like yourself that has unveiled that for us. We had no context or any idea around it. So I really think it's a valuable thing, but that's another really big conversation
Nicole Colantoni (29:45):
Absolutely.
Kate Mason (29:46):
To talk about. So can you just give us three tips for people who are out there dating and three things that you might give someone who said, look, I'm really worried about getting out there. I dunno what to do. I dunno what to say.
Nicole Colantoni (30:00):
Yeah. Okay. Well, tip number one, I always tell people, if you're not having fun dating, you're not dating properly. Dating should be so fun. If you knew with absolute certainty that you were going to meet your person, you would be running out that door to meet them. And so if you find that you are not enjoying yourself, then I would ask yourself, does it have something to do with your mindset? Right. Is there a part of you that doubts whether love is possible for you? Because if so, I would work on that because I always tell people, you would not have the desire for love if it was not possible for you, if it was not meant for you. So you need to trust that. The next tip I would say is be yourself. So often I think people focus on how they're being received by the person that they're going on a date with, and that can make them awkward, and it can also make them turn a blind eye to perhaps some of the warning signs. And so rather than focusing on making a good impression, just focus on expressing your authentic self. Because at the end of the day, what we are looking for is alignment.
Kate Mason (31:28):
And at the end of the day, that's who you're going to be bringing to the table, isn't it? Your authentic
Nicole Colantoni (31:31):
Self. Yeah, exactly. And then I think the third one, I'm going to combine two here, is I think you want to make sure that when you're dating, you are really happy with where you're at in life. You don't want to be looking to meet somebody to feel some type of void, because that's when I find most people run into issues. So if there is something about your life, whether it's your work, your appearance, your job, your self-worth, I would be working really hard on that. I would be using this time wisely to work on that, because we want to attract somebody who is in alignment with our best self, our most empowered self. And then the last thing I would say is just trust the process. Trust the timing of your life. I was single for nine years. I could have never
Kate Mason (32:27):
Predicted it
Nicole Colantoni (32:29):
Right in my wildest imagination that I would be single for nine years, honestly. And now it makes perfect sense. It's like how Steve Jobs said, you can only connect the dots looking backwards, right? Of course, I was, because it's made me, it's informed my life story. It's the reason I'm able to relate to every single person that I'm in session with, because I've been there, I've been in the trenches. I know what it's like. And looking back, I wouldn't change a thing, and it led me to the person that I'm now in a relationship with. So sometimes we don't know why it is that things take time, but we just have to trust that it's unfolding the way it's meant to.
Kate Mason (33:13):
Thank you. They're wonderful, I suppose. Thank you so much. Now, where can people find you? Because there might be quite a lot of people interested in working with that kind of area.
Nicole Colantoni (33:23):
Yeah, please get in touch so people can find me on Instagram at Nicolecolantonicoaching. They can also find me on my website@nicolecolantoni.com. And then of course, my podcast, love Uncensored.
Kate Mason (33:41):
Yeah, fabulous. Can you tell us some of the subjects that you talk about on your podcast just briefly?
Nicole Colantoni (33:47):
We talk about everything from childhood trauma to sex, to dating, to communication. But you know what? I invite listeners to write in and let me know what they want me to talk about. I am always more than happy to respond directly to requests.
Kate Mason (34:05):
Cool. That sounds great. So look, thanks for sharing your story and such important work. And it's so interesting about the dating because as you know, my generation, we met at a bar we didn't meet online, so an amazing, very different era and a very different time. So this kind of personal development, taking a look at yourself before you actually venture into relationships with others really doesn't go. It's pretty unspoken and we don't acknowledge it. So it is wonderful to have a chance to explore that with you. Thank you so much for being with me today.
Nicole Colantoni (34:38):
Thank you so much for having me. It was so lovely speaking to you.
Kate Mason (34:41):
Now, before we wrap things up today, there are three things that you could start doing right now to move forward with the insights that Nicole and I have discussed today. Number one is take a moment to look at your past relationships and ask yourself, are there any recurring themes? Start recognizing those patterns will be the first step to breaking them. Secondly, acknowledge that emotional baggage, that suitcase that you might be carrying. And start small with letting it go. Just take out a few articles of clothing, so to speak, whether it's journaling or talking it out, or even meeting with Nicole. Her details are in the show notes. Begin to unload so that you can create space for healthier connections. And lastly, spend time to understand your values, your needs and triggers. The more you know about yourself, the more confidently you can show up in your relationships. Remember the path to healthier, more fulfilling relationships. Start with knowing who you are and being willing to do the work towards it. Take some first steps today and see how things begin to shift. If you know anyone that would benefit from today's insights, don't hesitate to share this podcast with them. Whether it's a friend, family member, or anyone you care about, we all deserve to build healthier, more meaningful relationships.
(36:03):
Thank you for listening to Parenting and Personalities. If you enjoyed this episode, would love it if you could leave a rating and a review that would help others learn about this podcast. If you are interested in discovering more about you and your family's personality types, you'll find my book, who Is This Monster or Treasure, my House on Booktopia or Amazon. If you have an episode idea, please send a note to the personality coach@gmail.com. Many thanks to our producers at Stories and Strategies, and we'll see you next time.