Finding freedom from self-imposed seasonal pressures

So not only am I feeling under the weather , but I'm also adding to my pressure by judging myself for feeling under the weather , by being immensely frustrated with myself for feeling under the weather , as if how dare I ever feel slightly unwell ? I should know better . I should look after myself better .

I should have the power to prevent myself feeling under the weather . Oh , my goodness . So I've noticed this overwhelm of bombardment , of shoulda , woulda , couldas about health and , this time of year , loads of stuff going on . So see if any of this resonates with you , see if you can catch and release some of this with me .

So the time of year , so it's November . In the southwest of England it's damp and soggy and grey . I've just made myself go out for a walk . I wanted to go out for a walk , so that's an interesting thing . I've made myself go out for a walk , which is an interesting one .

I wanted to go out for a walk , but I also wanted to get some stuff done , like recording this podcast , podcast , and the two things felt very conflicting , and so part of my brain is going . But you'll feel better if you go out for a walk and then part of me is going .

But you'll feel better if you just record the podcast , because there's satisfaction in the work and then there's feeling better because walking I find the best thing for my body ever .

And also I was aware of the fact that if I went outside I might discover a different truth than the one I'm pressuring myself with , which was this I've noticed myself going into the well , it's November , it's damp , the clocks have changed , which always messes me up , it's dark , there's not enough daylight , so I never feel good in this weather .

I really need sunshine . If only I could go somewhere sunny . Oh , but that's not right , because really I should be appreciative of this , because it's autumn and there are things I love about autumn and I should be grateful . Blah , blah , blah , blah , blah .

And what I should be noticing , the unexpectedly lovely things about autumn , like lighting the fire , having hot chocolate , getting to cosy up with the dogs on the settee and watch TV , just like there's a lot of weight there none of it feels very joyful . All of it feels judgmental and bossy at the moment . So it's not that . None of those things are true .

So it is true that I find this time of year challenging . It's also true that I've practiced gratitude and noticing the good things . All of that's true . But none of that matters if I'm feeling the weight of shoulda , woulda , couldas , if I'm bombarding myself and feeling overwhelmed and judging myself . It's unhelpful .

Eventually I stopped listening to the nonsense and just went for a spontaneous , very fast walk , and that was nice , although it was interesting because I've got three cavaliers , and part of the reason it's not always easy to take a spontaneous walk is they all want to go and if you take all of them it's chaos because Nutmeg's hypersensitive and starts yapping , which

sets off Ruby and I don't want Ruby to be as noisy as Nutmeg is sometimes and also Rosie's nearly 11 . She's like why are we ? Why , what's the rush ? What's going on here ? There's stuff to sniff . I don't understand . Why are we ? Why ? What's the rush ? What's going on here ? There's stuff to sniff . I don't understand . Why are we rushing ?

So it doesn't work very well . It's much better to take one or two dogs . Usually I take Rosie calm with Ruby Roo the puppy , so that she gets the Rosie calm , and that works really well . Then I take Nutmeg separately and she gets to do her practicing , enjoying , being calm . But today I thought I'd just take Rosie .

I just thought it'd be nice quality time with my old lady dog . But that didn't work because for some reason Rosie started talking all the way down the road Like she was going but where's Ruby ? Where's Ruby ? Where's Ruby ? Why am I on my own ? I don't want to be on my own . Where's the other dogs ? It was weird .

Anyway , the good thing about it was , first of all , I got something done and I sometimes think I just getting one small thing done In fact not sometimes think I know and need to remind myself that sometimes just getting one thing done off a list , that's a very unimportant thing , can make a huge difference to getting momentum .

Unimportant thing can make a huge difference to getting momentum . So I took the bag of clothes for the charity box thing down the road down with me . Oh , it felt so good . It's bizarre . Why . Why such a small thing ? Right , it's not a big deal . Okay , the bag was in the hall .

Our hall is tiny because it's very old cottage so there's lots of knock on effects Just that action of , because it had been nagging at me all week just drop the box off , just drop the bag off . Just drop the bag off . Just mind , please shut up . I know it needs doing . It's written down . It's written down everywhere .

So I went for a walk and I feel better for going for a walk , because I actually discovered that the weather , not the weather , the weather's the same , not much daylight , like soggy water held in the air . But I didn't wear a coat . That was a rebellious act . I'm like no , it's not raining , it's quite warm .

I refuse to wrap up warm as if it's worse weather than it is . I'm going to embrace the fact that it's actually okay with a jumper on . That's funny in itself , isn't it ? Such a small act of rebellion . But it felt good and I actually feel like today , the Tupperware lid .

You know , when you've just got that weather where it's like somebody's put a lid on the sky , I feel like somebody's lifted the corner off it and lifted it up a bit . It did feel like it was a little bit more daylight . So part of this was a okay , so I can .

I'm noticing in my head that I'm finding evidence for the truth that I don't really like this time of year . So what if I went outside and found evidence for that not being true ? So I did , partly deliberately , go outside to go . Well , I think it's great .

Well , if it's not as great outside as in , because the thing is , with a beautiful cottage , the windows are small , so you don't get that much daylight necessarily , and in general that's true . Right , because apparently I was looking at you know you get those lamps for daylight , lamps for winter , to make yourself feel better . So I was looking at those .

They seem very bright and glary and I'm not entirely convinced I want one . But anyway , the Apparently , even on a gloomy day , outside is like a gazillion times lighter than inside , which is interesting . So actually going outside , even on a dull day , is probably going to raise my spirits . I'm not entirely convinced of this , I have to say .

I go outside every day because I go into my garden every day . I went outside yesterday I went to a shop . I'm not entirely convinced . Sometimes I go outside I'm like , yeah , I was right , it's really gloomy , I don't want to go out there , I just want to go inside . It's really nice and cozy in my cottage . I'm going to do this instead .

It's not necessarily true . Anyway , it's worth an attempt , because how I look at it affects so deeply how I feel , and this time , going outside , it cheered me up . It was a short walk , I achieved something that was helpful , and I bumped into a neighbour and she was exactly the same . Oh my goodness , I wish this weather would just lift .

So it wasn't just me that made me feel better Solidarity . It's not just me who's feeling a bit gloomy . That was really good . Then we got ranting about the clocks changing . Why do the clocks change ? Why ? Why do we change the clocks ? It makes no sense . I'm sure there was a reason once . There's no reason anymore doesn't make any sense to me .

Messes everybody up everybody's grumpy about the clocks changing . I don't know anybody who's happy about the clocks changing . We had friends staying when the clock's changing and they were like oh oh , this is really good . You get an extra hour in bed , but you don't if you're older . I mean , I did when I was younger because I would just sleep on through .

It doesn't work anymore , because I wake up early regardless , and now the earlier is even earlier , so it's really unhelpful . All that's actually happened is I'm going to bed earlier , a ridiculous time . Not that it matters . It's dark , nobody cares . My children are grown , it doesn't really affect me . I don't go out to work .

I obviously work for myself , so I can start work whenever I want Makes no difference . I'm in general , writing or thinking . Creating early in the morning anyway Doesn't make that much difference . Why am I ranting about the clocks ? I don't know . It just seems to have added to my general feeling of urness . You know that ? Just low energy .

And then I started to notice that I'm starting to wish the time away . Now that that's worth picking up on , because I really don't believe in wishing time away . I just don't .

That's not serving me , that's not working for me , because at the same time as wishing time away , this is my time for writing my book , which I am writing , but obviously isn't happening as fast as an impatient person like me would want it to . So that's no good . So I need to do something about this . So this is what the podcast is about .

How I'm looking at things is deeply affecting my experience of day-to-day life at the moment and noticing and catching the fact that I am overwhelming myself with unhelpful thoughts about my health , about the time of year , about what I need to happen in order for me to feel somewhere else for the winter so I have sun all year .

I don't believe any of that's true . I also don't believe in waiting to feel better . I believe that every moment there is a way to feel better , and mostly that's just from noticing how I'm talking to myself , how I'm feeling , and accepting both how I'm feeling and then noticing the pile of rubbish I'm putting on top of that , which is the overwhelm .

So this is what I've noticed I'm clogging my brain with pressure about how I should be more appreciative of this time of year , how I should look after my health better so that I never feel unwell and I'm not really ill . That's the thing . I'm just under the weather . So I've got that . You know .

You know when you have that like flu-y head and absolutely wiped out , so you're just struggling to stay awake after 7pm and snotty nose , sneezy , but not a proper full blown cold , you know , and you can just hang around in that pre-cold place for a while , which I've been doing on and off .

And then some days I'm like oh see , it wasn't a cold , I fought it off . And other days , well , to be fair , yesterday I woke up and it floored me . I was so exhausted so I rearranged my appointments and rested , and it was the best thing for me to do .

I accepted the fact that , yeah , I'm feeling under the weather and I get to rest because I've deliberately set my life up so there is space for me to be ill , because sometimes we don't feel 100% and that's just the way things are , and it's not because we've done something wrong , because I value my health and I practice exploring the mind-body connection .

I am aware that I also put pressure on myself to somehow always have it sussed , to somehow just prevent myself getting sick or having low energy , like I should know better . There's a lot of judgment there . I should know better . I should prevent this by always eating nourishing lunches , which I don't always , I've noticed .

I mean and that's another thing , isn't it ? What do I mean by nourishing lunch ? So what I'm saying is I could eat a more nourishing lunch if I was more organized . And what tends to happen is because I get really excited about my work and then I suddenly realise I'm hungry .

I'm like , well , I should have some lunch , and then it's too late to do something more nourishing . It just feels harder . The truth is , I don't want to be thinking about food when I'm in the flow of work . So what would be better ? So I stopped myself saying what I should do .

What would be better is if I do what my partner does and what I used to do when I used to go out to work , which is pre-plan my lunches because you have to , because you've got to take them with you .

Somehow , in my ridiculously high expectations of myself , I have this nonsense that because I'm working for myself at home , I will find space in the day to wander around in a relaxed fashion and cook up really nourishing winter meals . That's not going to happen . I don't work that way .

I'm very driven and very intense when I'm focused , and switching to oh , nourishing meal planning . That just doesn't work for me . It's got to be thought out . Before

. So , funnily enough , I had this craving for deviled eggs . Now , deviled eggs are delicious , but seriously , the time put into preparing them versus the fact they take like 30 seconds to eat because they're small and so delicious , it's just madness . So was it ever going to happen ? So it just went on my list .

Make devils eggs , make devils eggs , because I thought that would lift me . It's an odd thing to eat in the winter , though , because it's cold and because I used to work in an acupuncture clinic , I'm really aware of the whole . No , you should eat warm foods in the winter and cold foods in the summer . But I really fancy deviled eggs .

So in the end I did make some , took some effort , did take some effort . It is a bit ridiculous . It's like 1970s party food . You have to do the whole hard-boiled egg thing and then you have to cut them in half , scoop out the stuff and make the thing and put it back in . Crazy .

Right , it was fun in the end , I enjoyed it and , man , they're good and I've got four little halves for my lunch today and that makes me feel good . So I can do that . But I have to recognise the fact that it's not that easy . I don't have that much headspace for thinking about how to create nourishing food . Sometimes I wish somebody would just give me .

Actually that would be lovely . Imagine if somebody just turned up and gave you this like really healthy , high protein , perfect for your gut . That's what I imagine . Delicious thing for lunch , just there it is . There you go , you don't have to think , which means really I just want a personal chef , doesn't it ?

But I don't really , because I don't want somebody in my house cooking , so that's not going to work either . Oh , my goodness , does your mind do this ? I know it does . That's why you're listening to me . The entanglement of our minds , hey , with their shoulda , woulda , couldas . It's really hard work when we're in our minds in that shoulda , woulda , coulda .

Oh , don't like it . So here's what's happened . I woke up . I've been feeling slightly unwell for a little while . No big deal , I'm not ill . I'm really grateful . I'm really really well . I'm 56 . I'm really really well . I have friends who are having knee replacements . I'm really fit and healthy . I'm really grateful . I love my life . I'm really happy .

I'm just putting that there , not for you , for me first , before I go into the . But I've been feeling unwell and that's okay , because what I'm doing there is rebalancing it . It is not true that I don't look after myself . It is not true that I have low energy all the time . It is not true that I hate this time of year . None of these . This is true .

But there's something there for me . There's a gift in that for me . I don't like feeling unwell . I don't like it when I don't feel like I have enough daylight and enough movement and enough being outside , because being outside matters to me and that's okay . I do like this time of year because I'm writing .

I'm writing , this is my writing time of year , this is my season for writing . This matters to me very , very much to have this time . So maybe if I just wrote more and stopped listening to the nonsense , entanglement , shoulda , woulda , couldas in my head , I'd have more satisfaction . Yes , that's what I need to do .

So I've been feeling unwell this week and fighting it . When I stopped fighting it and rested , I felt such relief . I felt so much better . I realised I was pushing to achieve things and that wasn't serving me .

As I let go , I'm now finding ways to achieve the same things in a more Heidi way , and that's the gentle rebellion Going from pushing against myself to working with myself , with a gentle shift . I can't tell you exactly what that looks like , because it's not a big deal . It's just a shift in my body .

Mainly , it's a letting go of the attention , of listening to the crazy entangled stories in my head , the woulda , shoulda , couldas , the judgment , the bashiness , the pushing , the . This is wrong . You should be doing this better and instead just allowing my attention to go into my body , noticing how I feel , feel a bit meh this time of year .

Well , look out the window . It is a bit meh , that's okay . So don't try and go outside doing a million things . Maybe withdraw it inwards , enjoy this time of year and just write . Withdraw it inwards , enjoy this time of year and just write . Just write , because that's what I really want to do . Anyway , that's my rant for this week .

This is how I am this week . How are you ? How does this season affect you ? Now , I know we have people on the other side of the world where the seasons are the other way up , so I'm not going to apologize for doing it this way up , because it still applies to you .

It still applies to you as in lucky you , it's spring , sending you so much love for the joy of coming out of the doom and gloom into the spring .

But it also gives you an opportunity to hopefully reflect on still reflect on how the seasons affect you , how you're affected by the weather , how you're affected , but mostly for all of us , is how am I affecting , how I feel by listening to the entangled junk and judgment and pressure coming from my mind . Have a good week . See you next week .

Thank you so much for being here . For more resources to help you gently rebel , please visit my website , wwwheidymarkcouk .