Self Image: From Social Media to Dating Apps

You Need Therapy Podcast here with me today. Lisa still out with the baby, which we're so excited to have her back very very soon. But in the meantime, we've got cat which I'm super thankful for it. And I'm going to share an email that Lisa and I received on our our Outweigh email, which y'all can send us notes if you would like. It's hello at Outweigh podcast dot com. We would love to hear from you, and

this is a what we got. Hey. I'm writing today after listening to Jared from Pennsylvania call into the Bobby Bones Show to complain about how the women he's met on dating apps are all thirty to forty pounds heavier in person. Thank you for standing up to him. This is such a sensitive issue for me, and I'm sure for so many women and some men. I just wanted to suggest dating apps in recovery for a potential topic.

I have struggled with eating disorders since the age of thirteen and finally started getting professional help in two thousand and eighteen, and I am currently mostly in recovery at

age thirty seven. The shame in struggles that I've had with my body are among the main reasons I've put such little effort into online dating because Jared's call today represented one of my biggest fears that I'm going to be disappointing, especially now at my restored weight, which I acknowledge isn't a healthy way of thinking, but I'm working on it. I wish people like Jared could understand how complex self image can be. I honestly can't say that

I know what I look like. I see myself in the mirror and then see myself in a picture or on a zoom call for work, and I think, who is that person? In pictures? I can look like an entirely different person from one frame to the next after making the mistake of reading the Facebook comments about this call, I'm feeling even worse about selecting the right pictures for my dating app should I eventually get back on one, especially since I live in Austin, where I feel like

everyone is in great shape except for me. Anyway, thank you again for the great work and reading this. It's a tough mission to educate and support people on this complex topic, but y'all are doing an excellent job, so

thank you for this email. I feel like there are a lot of Jared's in the world, But Cat she did ask for us to bring on an expert to talk about this, I think or she suggested it as a potential topic, and then I feel as though you're much better equipped to address like what we're dealing with as a whole as a society these days, with so many people being judged online for how they look, not

only from others, but we're judging ourselves too. Yes, and I will say I'm not an expert on dating apps, but I think this is talking about a lot more than that. And side note, I did a whole episode on You Need Therapy that talks about dating apps and the differences and the challenges and the pros and the cons of all that. So that's one thing that I would suggest her to listen to. But I also would like to talk about this specific thing because I have

some feelings about it. Go for it. I'm not familiar with what Jared said, and I'm not familiar with do I need to Just basically, he was calling in talking about how women are. He generalized that there are thirty to forty pounds bigger than their photos, and he's like, why are they doing this? They're tricking us, cat fishing

in a way. I don't remember the specific details of the call, but I do know that he said that in A couple of the girls that work on our show that are on dating apps were very triggered by his comments and it was very upsetting. Well, here's the first thing is he's making this comment of like women are thirty to forty pounds heavier than their pictures. First

of all, you what does that even mean? Because I think that sends that message that we can judge somebody's weight by what they look like, and you really can't. You have no idea, no idea. And also, dating apps can be somewhat superficial. Right, you're supposed to catch somebody's eye by the first picture that they see. Also, it's the swipe left, I think, or whatever the know is.

And so of course people are going to want to put pictures out there that they think highlight them in the best way aesthetically, and I think that is one of the issues with dating apps in general. You're not getting information about a person first, You're getting their best curated picture. And everybody's putting their best pictures on, so

it gives them it's like competition, right. So I think that's the first thing of just realizing that we're on a platform that is highlighting and projecting and promoting our looks are the most important thing in dating. I think that's a message that we're getting. Right. Here's the other thing I get that it makes me not want to engage in this because wow, that's I don't want somebody to think something negative about me, or I don't want

somebody to be disappointed in me. And the truth is, some people will be disappointed in us, and some people will have thoughts that aren't great about us. But we can't make it all men are all women. I think not everybody is a Jared yeah, no, not everybody is everybody, And she was saying, it's not just happening to women,

but it's it's happening to men too. Yeah. So a rule that I've created for that I suggest and promote for my clients, and then also I've done this in my own life is before you get on a dating app, because of the way that they are created and what they promote, it's important for you to decide what you think about yourself before you get on there. So have a foundation what do you believe about yourself before you get on there, because people are going to have opinions.

Your opinion gets to be the most important opinion, the very best important opinion, not all these opinions of other people. So if somebody is disappointed by you, what you look like or whatever, that's okay because you already have a foundation of what you think. But if I don't have a foundation of what I think, then what they're saying about me is going to help create the message in

the opinion I have about myself. It's like adding fuel to the fire already story yes, and then someone validates it for you, You're like, Okay, yeah, that person is right, when really they don't know, so we're in charge. We have to take that power back. Yes, the other thing that is hard and I want to know. I would

like to know your feedback on this too. What's hard because of these dating apps it is picture based, and because we live in a world where you can face tune and edit and do anything and put a filter on anything, is we have this like pool to make sure that the pictures were putting putting up. There are like the most extravagant best pictures ever. And I like to throw the idea of what have you put pictures out there that best describe what your life looks like

like you're out doing something. Yeah, you want a picture of you, but it shouldn't be just like all the best pictures of just your face edited with a filter. It's like you want them to see your personality. You don't want them to just see you. I mean, I'm for that. I I don't have experience with dating apps because I've been married for fifteen years, so that parts tricky for me. But I do think that we could

carry this over. If you're not on a dating app, you could look at what does your Instagram feed look like? Or Facebook or whatever platform your what does your TikTok look like? And what are you seeing back every day of what you expect yourself to look like? Because are you filtering every picture? Are you faced tuning all your stuff? Do you feel the need before you throw something up on social to make sure that you've doctored it so

that you've got the world's approval. Yeah. That part of that email that I was like, oh man, is when she was like, when I see myself in pictures and I look at myself in the mirror, I'm like, who is that person? Because when we take pictures, now that we have a digital camera and we can see the pictures and we can take as many as we want, you are getting the perfect picture. You're getting the perfect angle. When like I remember when I was younger, before digital camera,

I would always have a disposable camera. You had no idea what the pictures are going to look like until you got them, and then it was just like, that's the picture we have. But now every picture that you're gonna put in a frame or post on your Instagram, you're gonna take five hundred of them. I posted this last December. I was taking this selfie. I was actually

wearing that I'm fine, it's fine, everything's fine. Sure, And I was taking this selfie and I just wanted to like post a picture of me because I had just hung up my Christmas decorations and it was October and I just wanted to post picture of that. And I had when I opened up my camera, role probably fifty pictures because I was trying to get yes, if a self field me, that like wasn't even important, Like I

wasn't trying to remember that photo. I wasn't even trying to get like I just wanted the perfect angle and I wanted to be able to read the shirt and see the Christmas tree and like wait, wait my face looked weird there or whatever. So I tried to curate this like perfect image. That picture wasn't important, But we have the ability to do that, so we're doing it all the time. So then then speaking to filters, like I've stopped using that what's that like first filter that

you can just smooth your face Paris. I don't know what it is. It's the first one and it's literally it's magic. But I was going back and looking for a picture one time on my Instagram. Are you taking picture I'm talking, keep talking, keep talking. Yeah, it's I just wanted to go away because I was looking for a picture one time and I went back on you can look at your old stories, and I was looking at all these videos of me, and I was like, oh my gosh, I was so cute. What happened? Like?

I was like, why don't I look like that anywhere? What happened to my skin? What happened? And then I was like, that is a filter. But I didn't know, like I'd forgotten. If I'm seeing myself like that over and over and over again, I'm going to think that that's what I look like, and I'm gonna be disappointed when I see myself in the mirror or when I just take a regular picture. I wouldn't think that if

I had never seen myself with that right now. For me, I know that on me, I noticed a big difference between Paris and normal because I'm like, oh wow, but as your friend, right now, I videoed you and I'm swiping back from normal to Paris, and I feel like, but I would not the same. I know, I'm like, oh wow, so swaite that's Paris. To swipe back to normal and it's not that much of a difference, but

that I would notice it on me too. So if this is something that you also deal with on a daily basis, then like Kat and I are obviously playing this out low, that you're not alone, that this is a real I don't want to overuse the word struggle, but it is, like we've it's this temptation that's put right before us, that makes with the click of a button, makes any imperfection kind of go away or tired eyes or wrinkled skin or blemish. But we don't look like that.

We have tired eyes and wrinkled skin and blemishes. I mean, speak for yourselves. Just kidding, j K, j K, but I'm guilty of through Lisa. Actually, Lisa Hey, co host of this podcast with me, she put up a challenge on Instagram where I don't know if she was like an official challenge, but I felt personally challenged to not use filters anymore because she was giving that a go. So I stopped using it. But what I'll do now is I'm super calculated of lighting and so it's not

a filter. Trust me. I don't just throw my camera up in any old lighting because I'm like WHOA, I'm shocked by it. But then I just you know, turn a different way in the shadows are just right, or I turned to under something, or I'm in my car and I put down my visor light. Pro tip if you're ever filming a video in your car, you can lower your visor and open up the little the light where you have a mirror, and that gives you great lighting. So then therefore, in a way, that's kind of is

that a filter? Because I'm manipulating the situation to where I've got good lighting, but I'm not using a filter. Your thoughts, I don't know, well, I think I think I do that. It's not okay to want to be comfortable, It's okay. The thing here is it's okay to want to like what you look like in a picture. It's okay to want to feel good about the lighting in a video. But to what extremes are we going to

do that? And then how is that affecting us when we can't control those yes, So like, are you are you derailed? Or you will keep you from posting something? If you're not a can't get the perfect lighting filter it or get the perfect lighting. If I being honest, I probably I'm like, oh gosh, I don't know, but like why I don't because because there's this expectation out there that we can't show up as our authentic Here's the challenge, though, because this is something that I'm really

working on. And this goes to dating apps and Instagram remembering why were these things created? Why was Instagram created? And why did you want to use it? You are not on Instagram. I'm I'm making an assumption for you, but you are not on Instagram to give a curiod view of how perfect and wonderful your life and you are. You are a very relatable person and person who shows up is is authentically real with lighting with as as

I think it's appropriate. So ore is your goal on Instagram to have everybody think you look good all the time? Is that necessary? No? And what message am I sending by always having this perfect lighting? Sometimes I'm in my office and there's bad lighting and I can't find good lighting and that's okay, And so I'm just going to post this video. And I don't think anybody that watches my stories is like, oh, she looks bad today appared

to yesterday when she was in her car. Nobody's thinking that, so I have to go back to why would I be posting a video so people think I'm pretty or to get this message or this whatever I'm saying out well, you know, bringing up like why Instagram was created in

the first place. A couple of weeks ago, an article came out in the Wall Street Journal talking about how Instagram is actually well, they say they're quote unquote working on body image issues after a whole report was done saying that it's toxic to teen girls and that Mark Suckerberg has been aware of this for quite some time. But it's like, well, they're not really doing anything about it because they continue to make it easy to alter

yourselves and they continue to they make it. It's addicting and we know it, and so we keep going back for more. I don't want to get off topic, like talking about being a teenager during these times, But if you are an adult listening to this, and whether it's you're not feeling comfortable in your skin on a dating app or you're not feeling comfortable in your skin on social media, it's kind of the same because people are viewing you and you feel as though they're judging you.

Here's the other thing, too. Let me back up, I feel nervous sometimes that because of me curating my lighting in my videos that sometimes if listeners meet me out in public in bad lighting, they're gonna be like, what that is not what her face looks like? And that's kind of what I guess what same thing. People dating online are looking at pictures and then they meet the person and they're like, what that's not what the person

looks like? So what do we do? I think that we go back to the why is a dating app created? A Dating apps were created to help people meet people. Dating apps were created for people who either don't have time, don't have the essential energy to make it easier for people to meet people, to help them find partners if

that's what they want. And so you're saying, be intentional about the content you curate on there and make sure you're including you living your life, like what displays your personality, and if you're attracting people that are going to judge, there will be people on there that are going to

judge you. I think that's the issue. Is like, the solution to the Instagram thing is not to just everybody delete Instagram, and the solution for the dating app thing might not be well, I just can't do dating apps anymore. Because she's saying the email, I was like, I don't know that I'm ready to get back into that because it's so it's well. I think if you go to the first part of I have to create a foundation of knowing who I am, what I am, and what

I think about myself. After I do that, then I can strategically what is the point of me going on this dating app? What is the point of me being on Instagram? Is it to get affirmation because I don't have a foundation. I'll be honest. When dating apps were created, heck yeah, I would download a dating app if I was feeling bad about myself and I just wanted to get some quick affirmation. Hopefully that's not what I would

be doing now. It's why am I on here? I'm going to have people because the pool is so big dating apps, you are connected to thousands of people where you wouldn't be connected to those people before. So with there's going to be more people who are not attracted to you. There's going to be more people who are judging you, There's gonna be more people who are you name it. There's also going to be more people that are going to be interested in you. And so it's

one knowing that that's just gonna happen. But if I have my foundation, it's still gonna hurt. It never feels good if somebody's like, I don't like you. But at the same time, you already have a foundation, So it's not going to be make it or break it. But if we go back to why am I on the dating mapp, it's not to just get affirmation. It's to find a human that I connect with. To find a human I connect with, I'm probably going to have to

weed through people who I don't connect with. And occasionally you might be listening to a national radio show and hear a guy named Jared call in and be completely rude. Don't let that if like cats saying if your firm and your foundation, the call may not affect you, it's bad or maybe you have tools in your toki. I know that's him, but I can see how I mean, there was girls that were upset, like I felt the

need to like stand up for women. He can't he I could see where girls would be upset if they were on dating apps and they heard this jerk on the air talking about how basically girls just put pictures up. Yeah, and he's like, got this number of thirty pounds. It's he that calls scary, Like his judgment is scary. I don't like it, and I'm not saying that it's okay at all. What I also know is we can't control

all of the Jareds in the world. You can only control us, and so the Jareds are the janets because some women might do it too, if you're a guy listening or however you identify um. But if I'm also looking at when we're creating dating apps, there's so much pressure or dating your profile. What do you want to highlight? Do you want to be the most attractive person on

the app? Or do you want to put out content on your profile that shows who you are and be proud of that, Like create a profile you are proud of versus a profile you think is going to attract men. That's a difference. Boom. End of story and good luck. I hope that you get back on the dating apps. And it's hard, yeah, especially if you feel like I don't even want to touch on this comment because she

sort of ended it. It It was just like especially living in Austin, a place where everybody is fit except me. That's all or nothing too, And and that is a lie. Yeah that's not true. It's not true. But that's something

that you're reiterating by especially even typing it out. So we want you to know that that is not true, and you have value and change that story and change that the story everybody is fit except me as a story that you have put in your head, and then that changes the way you view things and you hear things. So change that story. Give her an example of changing the story. My fitness level is different than other people's and that's okay. There you go, tell yourself that my

fitness level does not dictate my worth. A million things. People are not friends with me or maybe want to date me simply because of my fitness level. I'm not looking for a partner who has attracted solely to my fitness level. Like there's a million things, new stories, new stories, all right, So there you go. Hopefully that was helpful to some of you, And uh, don't forget. If you want to email us, you can hit us up hello at outweigh podcast dot com. Thank you cat Defata for

joining us. Hope y'all are on Instagram. Y'all can find her at cat k A T dot de fata d e f A T t a