Overcoming Darkness with Light feat. Tara Kemp

thank you so much for having me. So we have done a lot of quote unquote work together, like we've done Instagram lives together, and I'm always trying to repost all the good word that you're putting out on Instagram. So of course we'll put Terror's Instagram below. But why don't you just introduce yourself and tell everybody a little

bit about you? Sure? So, i am a mental health coach and researcher, and I'm the founder of Reconnect Collective, which houses programs and resources that guide women through the inner work to reconnect with food, body, and self. So my work explores and teaches the skills and tools that build long term mental well being and help people to live with intention and authenticity and inner peace ultimately. And so this work includes academic research I'm getting my PhD

right now, as well as retreats. And then my signature group coaching program is Reconnect Academy. So that's a little bit about what I do, yes, and I want to dive so into that because it really is very different than a lot of things out there when it comes to people who are struggling with food stuff and the

options available. But before we do, we sometimes have guests on and we sometimes have experts on, and then once in a while we get a blend of both, meaning the expert has a personal story that really bleeds into their work. I feel like you kind of fit into that category. That definitely feels like me. So, how how did you find your way out of the darkness? And what did your darkness look like? I love that question.

I love the way that you've phrased it. Of course, as I'm sure you know, you know, finding one's way out of the darkness is not oh I did this and then it happened, you know, it was it was a long process. With stages and ups and downs and ins and outs that you know, it felt like it was happening, and then it um you know, you have the times where it feels like you fall backwards and all of that. But you know, for me, my darkness

looked like feeling very misunderstood. I did the time I had, I hid from myself a lot of the struggles that I was having. I feel like I wasn't fully aware of what was happening for me. With food, it definitely fell into the category of this is a coping mechanism. And um, it didn't start with body image struggles. It more so started with my life is feeling chaotic and things are falling away and I'm having this kind of

identity crisis and I'm feeling really badly about myself. It was more so that lack of control in life and that confusion in life in general, and feeling like, oh, here's something I can control and this makes me feel safe, and so that's where it started. I didn't even realize at first that I was restricting. It wasn't a conscious thing, and it just happened. And then it was like the realization came once it was full blown and then there was so much shame there that I was trying to

pretend like it wasn't happening even though it was. And so that's kind of where the darkness started. And from there it just became this evolving path of trying to find a way out that resonated with me. You know, it's not like I was admitted to a treatment center. UM, I didn't receive the help that I needed. Everyone in my life did the best that they could, um, but nobody really knew what they were doing. I never received quite the help that I needed at the time. That

came later for me. But you know, along the way, it was and like I said, an ever evolving process of fine ending the pieces of myself that needed my love and giving myself love in those places and learning how to be that presence for myself, but also learning how to trust other people to lead me in that process. UM. I'd say that's kind of the balance of what ultimately

led to the final place of finding peace. I mean, I feel like I could go off on a million different tangents from that, but the one thing that you said in the beginning was that it didn't start from a place of body image and for some people that might be really confusing. Don't eating disorders or do do identify with saying eating disorder or disordered eating in your past? Yeah,

either one. It wasn't a diagnosed eating disorder, but you know, you could definitely call it that, So you use whatever interchangeably. The typical person, even people who are pretty well versed in eating disorders, do think of them as stemming from body image stuff related to diet culture, related to people commenting on your body. Yet for you, that wasn't the case at all. It was this external world spinning you around, causing you to feel k aodic and no ways to

slow it down. Besides, for what food became for you, Like you said, a coping mechanism, So what does it mean for food to be a coping mechanism? Let's go further there. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm I'm glad you're asking about that. So I hold the perspective that all eating disorders are coping mechanisms in some way, and that doesn't show up the same for everyone that looks different. Um,

there are different ways that we can use food. So food can be something that we use to run away, that we use to distract, that we use to numb. Some people over stuff themselves, and some people restrict and um, I fell into the ladder category. But to me, the way that food shows up as a coping mechanism, what that means is life is hard, and we're going to be uncomfortable, and we're going to come up against things that we don't have the tools and resources to deal with,

and so we use different coping mechanisms. I feel the same way about most forms of addiction and alcoholism and things like that. You know, it ultimately comes down to we have this discomfort, we're feeling um some and motion or going through some experience that we don't know how to handle on our own, and we don't have the tools and resources to deal with it in a way that helps us to move through that challenge, and so we turned to something else to help us to cope

with that experience. And so that's what I mean by that. Does that make sense? Yeah? And would you say, for you in that situation, you didn't know that you were using food to cope in that moment? Correct? Okay? So I think that's interesting too, because I think it was kind of unconscious and it felt good, but maybe you know, you hadn't done all the work that you've done now to really like be introspective in that moment, And next thing,

you know, you're sick. Where did you find yourself when you finally woke up and realized, Okay, I might have found some sort of quote unquote control, but this isn't good either. It was really, you know, someone else who brought it to my attention, and that got my wheels turning. But again, also it's like the awareness was coupled with shame, and so I immediately tried to make it not true and try to convince myself and everyone else that there

wasn't a problem. So it took a while for me to get to a place where I could admit to myself what was happening, what had happened. Um, So it was kind of this unfolding of kind of being at war in my mind where I would notice things and be like, oh, that's not good. I don't want to be doing that. I don't like how that feels. But at the same time, I can't let anyone know this is happening. I need to keep presenting myself as like

totally fine and convince everyone else that I'm totally fine. UM. So I really took it on myself to try and figure that out. And like I said, it wasn't until I really found external support that I feel like it finally got to that place of true healing. I feel like I was kind of in this semi recovered some people call it quasi recovery state for a while, where I was back to a healthy weight um for my body.

You know, the doctor said healthy b M. I. I I know there's a lot of contention around that term, but I was quote weight restored and you know, living a normal daily life, like I was getting good grades and showing up in any work that I had at the time, and had great friendships and you know, had a good relationship with a partner, and like things were going well,

but I was still struggling underneath in certain ways. At certain times, sometimes it felt like I was totally fun and other times, you know, ship would hit the fan in life and then things come up again. And so it wasn't until I finally did that true inner work of being fully truthful and honest with myself and bringing light to those shadow places like you were saying, and learning how to sit with those parts of myself and

be with myself in my wholeness. It was really it was the underlying foundational work that then built the true, you know, healing with all of the surface level things, which I think food ultimately kind of lands itself in, you know, it's it's the deeper work that creates the healing that then in turn shows up in the behaviors that we see on the surface. And I don't think we've I've never used the phrase quasi recovery. I don't think I've ever had a word for it. So thank

you for that. I certainly see it all the time, and now that you're bringing it up, and I'm sure a lot of our listeners might actually find themselves in quasi recovery. I personally think it's a an important place to be because it's usually, you know, very few people make it from having an eating disorder disordered eating to fully recovered. So that quasi recovery stage is really key.

So for anybody listening and they're like, oh, I mean, quasi am not there yet, I feel really hopeful about what's happening next totally because it means that you've already acknowledged and recognized something was wrong, and you've been trying, and you're you're definitely in a better place than you have been, and it gives you an even stronger foundation to keep doing that work. For sure. So once you've you know, solidified that your weight is restored and your

body is not an imminent danger. Really, only then can you start to peel the next layer of the onion, which is the inner work, and that shadow work also phrases we haven't used before, So can you share with

our audience what shadow work is? Sure? So shadow work to me, I would define as the work of looking at the parts of yourself that you have been hiding or that you feel are not enough, or that you hold fear or shame, or any type of discomfort around the parts of yourself that nobody collapse for the parts of yourself that feel like they shouldn't be there, um that you feel resistant too, and basically those things that just feel like icky or that you want to hide

and not look at like anything that would fall into that category. It is the work of bringing light to that. And what I mean by that is simply bringing your awareness to it, bringing um it into a space of looking at it and processing it and sitting with it and learning how to accept and even beyond accept, you know, bring unconditional love to those parts of yourself. But it it doesn't come right away, Like that is a full

on process. Like they call it inner work for a reason, because it's not like you find these parts of yourself. For instance, like I for years would not admit to anyone. I didn't even utter the word eating disorder. I never told anyone that I had struggled with it. I think a phrase that I once told my my boyfriend at the time was I used to be kind of weird around food, but like that is all that I said, you know. And so bringing light to that part of myself.

Being able to sit there and say, you know, I had disordered eating or I had an eating disorder felt so shameful. And so it's not like I can immediately just say that and be like okay, now, I you know, brought light to that shadow. It was like, oh, this feels terrible. I feel like no one will love me now if they know this thing, and I will never be able to create the career that I want to have,

or you know, whatever it was. I just felt like that part of me was wrong or bad or not enough or broken, and so it's finding all those pieces of myself that felt broken and not enough. My anxiety was another piece. I had generalized anxiety as a kid, and I have done a lot of work to build a new relationship with that part of myself too. And

again it takes time. It takes effort to shift your perspective and to hold it in a different way to be able to look at it and say it's okay for you to be here, like you know, all parts of myself or are welcome to be here, rather than I need to hide these things and push these things away and only show these parts of myself to the world so that I can be worthy or loved or valued or whatever. And now you help people do this inner work, which very much involves facing food, but clearly

so much more. And I feel like, now that I'm learning more about your story, it really is the perfect culmination of the key words that you say helped you. You know, you said people got you there, asking for help got you there, moving away from shame got you there. And then doing that extra layer of work beyond food to find out what was living in your shadows and releasing the shame. I feel like that's that's kind of like the big themes, and now you've turned that into

a program called Reconnect. So tell us about reconnect in general and the specific Yeah, so that's exactly what brought together Reconnect Academy. You know, it was really that recognition that the inner work is the foundation for all of the other healing that shows up in terms of food. So, you know, I help women to heal their relationship with their food and body, but it's ultimately a course and

healing their relationship with themselves. And it's it's recognizing any struggles with food or body image as a doorway to the inner work and that that creates personal freedom and resilience in all aspects of your life. It's not just food. You know. We we have this course where you know, people come in and they join because they're struggling with food, and then they end up leaving feeling this sense of self worth and feeling like they know how to set

healthy boundaries and relationships in their lives. And you know, they can show up differently with their partner and their parents and their friends, and they have a stronger sense of self, They have a stronger self identity, They have a stronger sense of connection to purpose and meaning in their lives, and those are the things that ultimately build acovery. As I mentioned briefly in the INTI, I'm also doing my PhD. And you know, through through researching what you know,

different methods, there aren't eating disorder recovery. You know, we're finding that there are basically these two models. There's the

medical model and then there's the recovery model. And the medical model is the traditional we need to alleviate and remove the symptoms, and then the recovery model is that's kind of emerged more recently when looking at more qualitative data, rather than saying, you know, how can we just you know, remove these symptoms, but more so saying okay, in longitudinal research, in qualitative research, looking at accounts of people who are in long term recovery, what are the common factors, what

do they feel, you know, created that for them, and researching more into that aspect of it. And what we found is that mental health is not just the absence of mental illness, it's the presence of mental wellness. And those two aren't simply opposites. It's not like if you alleviate the symptoms then suddenly you're well. You have to add the things. It's the addition of things that that

create the foundation for health. And what we found is that's things like having a positive self identity, having a sense of meaning and purpose, having deep personal connections with friends and things like that, having a sense of spirituality, which doesn't have to mean religion, it can just be like a connection to something bigger than yourself. But all of these things are what truly build these foundations of mental well being. And so knowing that and having my

own story, that's why I built Reconnect Academy. And you know, the first half of the course we talk very little

about food. You know, it's really building up these you know, recognizing the root causes of where did this come from and how is this being created in in your life, and then moving forward from there to say, okay, and now we're going to shift our perspective forward and rewrite our story and build in these, like I said, these foundational level things to build that mental wellness that then facilitates all of the then work that we do with

food and body. So yeah, basically that's that's kind of what created And I forget what your initial question was, but that is the Reconnect Academy trajectory. I guess it's awesome and I feel like if I were going through it, it would be the exact program I would gravitate towards because it's also a nice blend of one on one with community. But I don't know if I would have been willing at the time when I was struggling, because I didn't really know it was a food issue until

after that, like that I needed help with food. So a program that's going to talk about food but then also, you know, be more focused on self discovery and the meaning of life, that part might drag me in more, and then I might be able to see the shadows a little bit more. I just want to highlight one thing you said about the medical approach to treatment versus the recovery model, that I get those words right, So I just want to highlight what you said in more

obvious terms if it wasn't. But essentially, the medical model says you are recovered when you get to a quote unquote healthy weight, when you stop binging, when you stop purging, when you stop restricting. Like giving just some very obvious examples here, But the truth is many of us know that in the absence of those things, we can still be struggling with food, thoughts about food, or just struggling

with mental illness in general. So a lot of times people leave treatment or I will actually go a little bit further to say, families get their child or their loved one or their partner back from treatment and expected to quote unquote work. But yes, they stopped doing these behaviors,

but the deeper layers were not a cheat. So yes, there's a positive there because the person can survive in their heart's going to beat and you know, they have enough electrolytes going on and they're happening in their body. But we need to consider exactly what you said that, what does recovery really mean, Like, is there a better word to say this person is at a different stage that doesn't say recovered, because recovered kind of sends the

wrong message, especially when the person leaves treatment. I'm supposed to be recover word, and then there have new feelings of shame because they're still struggling, right exactly. And that's something I'm glad that you mentioned that because I was going to clarify that after I said it. You know, I I don't want to present any idea that I am against the medical model. The medical model is important.

You know, if someone is experiencing physical symptoms, we need to have them under medical care, you know, self self harm and being underweight, and like you said, the electronic bounces. There are so many reasons that it's beneficial, but as you said, it's not complete. In many many cases of people who go through treatment don't respond to it and

then relapse. And so we've got up to seventy people go through treatment and then are left not actually recovered, and that's terrible, Like we don't we don't want that to be the case, and so we need to look at the places where, like you said, how can we shift our perspective of what it means to be recovered

and to be in recovery. And I feel like it's very similar to addiction treatment centers where you know, you'll go for a week, two weeks, a month, and the person comes back quote unquote sober, free of the substance, but they're still struggling with all the demons that got them there, so they're also gonna, you know, likely come back. However, perhaps maybe I might be off base here, but there are more ongoing programs to stay sober and work on

your stuff. Then there are for eating disorders other than you know, working with a therapist or a registered dietitian. And again que the community that you provide that is like a really key healing aspect of releasing the shame. And also the fact that you know your programs online I think I know from my programs, like it provides a really safe space for women that don't know each other to show up and be more vulnerable sometimes than they would if they were in the same room or

they had ties to the same community in their real life. Yeah, you know, it's it's really nice, similar to like you said, so much kind of like an a a situation, like it's nice that you can have this space where we don't know one another's families, we don't know one another's friends, don't know part of the same community. Like you said, it's a safe space to be to show up as your full self. And there are many women these programs who are sharing things that some of their closest friends

and family members don't know at this point. But it's it feels like like you said, there's there's this safe space not only in people not really knowing these other aspects of your life, but also having this space where everyone is showing up with the same intention for being there because they want to do the work and they want to support one another in that, and you know, it really creates this this community space where you feel seen and you feel heard, and you feel understood but

also accepted and safe in all of these pieces of yourself that you have previously held shame around. You know, you feel connected to these other women going through the same process, even if the details are different, and there's something really special and sacred in that. And for those of you that have heard me talk about my program, my program and Terrors are very different structurally, so yours run at certain times of the year. You have to apply.

Each person has one on one meetings with you as well as group sessions, I believe, so it's a lot more hands on and intensive in a short amount of time. Correct. Yep, Yeah, it's a three month program, and yeah there's every other week one on one meetings with me as well as weekly group meetings twice a week. It's a very intensive program. It's very high touch, very intensive. So for those of you who are like, okay, this is what I need.

When will the next one be? Tara? Yeah, so enrollment opens again in June, and then the next program will start in July. So July, August, September will be the next three month program. UM. But June is when you can expect to see enrollment open. Can people apply now or um? If you go to my website, you will sign up for the waitlist and so that's when you will be notified as soon as enrollment is open. Okay, perfect, got it understood. UM, so you can check that out.

I'll put all the information below and moving into a little bit of you because you're one of my favorite people to follow on Instagram. My husband Evan actually found Tara two or three years ago. I was like, you need to follow Tara. She is like you, but like cooler. But that's what he was thinking. He's like, you need to follow her. No, but you know, normally I ignore him, but I went to your page and I was like, Okay, this this girl is really cool. She's full of light.

In a world of social media that looks one way, yours does not look that way. I'm always feeling recharged and replenished, so as somebody who I look up to as a role model. I'd love to know what's one thing that you do every day to stay connected to yourself. I would say, I am always checking in with myself, and that can take different forms, but I am always always checking with myself and paying attention to how am

I feeling. And you know, even if, like literally this morning, if you were to open the notes in my phone, the top note would be one that says to journal and I have a bullet point because or I have like three bullet points because this morning, as I was like sitting there starting to do work, I was like, oh, like, I'm feeling all these things coming up, and it was okay, I need to take five minutes. I don't have time to right now sit down and do the full journal

session that I want to do. But these are the things that I'm feeling coming up for me, and so I'm going to just jot down some bullet points that I want to come back to you later and just knowing like being present to myself, and you know, very often that takes the form of meditation. I'd say meditation and journaling are like my two biggest rocks for keeping

me grounded and keeping me connected. To myself. But even if I don't have or make I should say I don't make the time for that full session in that moment. As as those feelings were coming up, It's not like I was like, Oh, let me just go break and do half an hour of journaling right now. I was aware of it, and so I wrote it down. Okay, I'm feeling this thing. Here's what I'm thinking about I'm feeling this thing. Here's what I'm thinking about it, And I know I'll come back to it later and process

it more and dig in. I'm constantly questioning myself and staying curious. I think that in the path of self discovery, the two most important things to marry together are curiosity and compassion. To always be asking questions about what's coming up? Why is this here? What would I think about this? What would it be like if this for true? Instead?

You know all of those things, and to be compassionate with whatever comes up for myself, you know, to me that safe space for anything that I find that allows me to be honest with myself because I know that no matter what I find, I can hold a safe space for it and I can process it without judging or shaming myself, and that is like the ultimate key

for me in everything. I love that you said that you're always questioning yourself and bringing curiosity to it, because without that second part of curiosity, it sounds like you're always questioning everything that you do or you eat. But that's not what you meant at all. Yeah, it's not like judgment and like oh am I wrong, am I. It's more so like, oh, like I wonder, I wonder what's happening right now, or like you know, I wonder where that feeling is coming from, and and being gentle

with it. It's not like I need to find all the answers. It's just kind of a gentle unfolding of I'm gonna open up space for this truth to come forward. And every day, I mean, I love that we're just reminded that this inner work is not a one stop shop. It's a daily check in, but it becomes more loving and not disciplined, but rather something you want to do when you open yourself up to it and absolutely kind of flow in that juiciness. You're not meditating because you

have to. You're meditating because that's your time to be gentle, to be curious, to not be you know, working on your PhD or you're all the things that you want to do accomplish in this world. Exactly. Yeah. To me, willpower isn't sustainable. Willpower is kind of opposing forces. It's me trying to do something that is opposing the energy of what I truly want to do. Whereas if you want it to be a long term ritual or a long term habit, it has to be something that is

an alignment. The energy needs to be propelling you forward in the way that your energy wants to go. Already with anything, not just food, not just exercise, I mean just so long. I tried the willpower and the discipline thing, and it worked for a week, two weeks, and then you know, I burnt out because that opposing forces, so to flow through it is just makes more sense. The last thing I just want to ask you about, because I've benefited from it, is your affirmation deck. Are you

still selling those? Yes, the affirmation deck is still alive and well, and I'm so glad that you know you have benefited from it. I use them every single day. I don't know, our audience might not be familiar with what an affirmation deck is. And I want to offer them another tool to connect with themselves. Can you share what an affirmation deck is and what yours is specifically? Sure, First of all, affirmations are statements that affirm something about ourselves.

That is us telling ourselves something about ourselves or something about our lives that we want to believe and that some part of us does believe. But there are these often not always, but often there are parts of ourselves that are questioning this in the more negative questioning way, or are you know, have these limiting beliefs or whatever it is, And so affirmations help us to build up

a new narrative for ourselves. And UM can be sometimes mantra statements that you repeat to yourself that helped like kind of ground you and bring you back. But it can also just be, you know, a list of things that you you say to yourself to kind of put your mindset in the right place to set the intention for the day. UM. But an affirmation deck is a

deck of cards. They're typically like fifteen to fifty cards in a deck, and it has a single affirmation on each card, typically some sort of artwork, and it just creates more ritual to the activity because you can shuffle the deck and pull one out and see what comes to you, you know, in in that way from the day, or you can specifically sort through the deck and choose one. If you can put them up in your house in

different places where you need to see them. I'll sometimes take an affirmation card to my desk and put it on my desk, or have it sitting on my nightstand where I need to see that message as I get up in the morning, or whatever it is. You know, you can you can use them in all these different ways, but it's essentially a deck of of these affirmations for you to use. And so we have a deck of

thirty three affirmations. Um I wrote all of the words, and then a friend of mine who is an artist, did the artwork for the cards, and each card is like its own piece of artwork and it's really special and um yeah, I I love it and it's it's become a daily practice for me. Awesome. Well, I hope everyone can benefit from checking out that deck, or at least considering adding affirmations to their journaling sessions or just

to waking up. I like to wake up and just do a little affirmation and especially in the muddier moments because like you said, you're like kind of not sure what's going on. So thank you so much for your time and your expertise and your personal story, and we're gonna link all your information below so everyone can follow you, check out Reconnect Collective and Academy, and stay in touch with your beautiful soul. Thanks for being a guest, Tarah, Thank you so much. Lisa, Love you,