Comparing your Weight with your Partner’s ft. @alibonar

it's just me today, me and Ali, of course. And I wanted to bring Ali back on because, as we know, she does such an amazing job sharing her journey through disordered eating on Instagram, which is really unique. But you also do a really amazing job of sharing how you

do it while being in a relationship. So before we dive into that, I just want to say, it's been so amazing to watch you publicly go from girl to woman over the last five years or so that I've known you and step into your power from business to food to honestly, just the energy of confidence that you give off. It's it's really amazing and it's been interesting to really watch from the beginning because you started sharing from your sticky place, from that place where most people

tuck away their problems. So to see you here and watch the journey is is kind of like a little novel on your Instagram that people can kind of go through. It is. Yeah, no, thank you so much. I really appreciate that it is. And there's sometimes you know, when you look back and I'm like, I kind of cringe, but I'm so glad that it's all there, because you know, it really is. It's an evolution and it's been so interesting. You know. I've continued to share about food obviously because

it's my passion. I love it, you know, it's what

I do for a living. But at the same time, it's just from a different place and it's you know, as I mentioned in last episode, it's not from this place of fear, but rather it's just a celebration of eating and the joy of food and you know, breaking bread with loved ones and it's not you know, this gluten free, you know, dairy free thing that I feel like I can only have because it's like clean and you know, low calorie, and it's just a different energy

around it. So that's awesome. That you've sort of picked up on that, because you know, I feel like a completely different person and it's been a lot of evolution in a short amount of time. So I'm exhausted enough.

But also in a public way, when we hear Demi Levado, for example, I know she's, you know, not to make a comparison between myself for you or Demi Levado, but it's like she talks about her past struggles and now she recounts stories that we never heard before, and even myself, you know, just the timing of Instagram came in a time in my life where a lot of it was already figured out. But when you have gone through it, the emotional processing, taking us along for the ride, and

now seeing you here, it's just incredible. I think it gives people hope. Is there anything that you would caution somebody from doing in terms of using Instagram to heal as somebody who did do it to heal. Were there any moments where showing up publicly wasn't the best thing for you? Yeah, that's an interesting question. I don't think

I've ever been asked that before. I mean, you know, you're in a really vulnerable, delicate place, obviously, again, it can't speak for everyone, but I definitely was, you know, and sometimes things can really trigger you or set you off that you know, maybe for someone that doesn't have issues with food, you know wouldn't be affected. And I do get lots, not lots, but I've gotten a few messages from people saying, you know, hey, this this post

that you shared really triggered me. And you know, I know you've talked about this before and it's sort of an interesting topic, but it's you know, really I say this with love, but you know, that's actually a great indicator that you know there's something there you need to work on. And you know, if I were to hear that in a place where I felt very triggered, I would be you know, very reactive and defensive. And you know,

and obviously it's nuanced it. I never try to share anything that will intentionally trigger someone or you know, irritate

them or cause them harm. But if you're getting triggered by you know, something that's sort of just me sharing my experience or you know, it's a good again, a good check engine light for you to say, Okay, this is something that you know, maybe I need to work on or I need to dig deeper with a therapist on because there were things for me during my healing journey where I was still following people that, in hindsight were super disordered and I didn't see it at the time.

So I would say, you know, the only caution that I would really give people is, you know, be really cognizant of who you're following and the content that you're consuming, because I felt like there was this gray area in my recovery where I was still you know, a little disordered, but I was really trying hard to repair my relationship with food, and you know, follow accounts that were you know, body neutral and body positive and you know, talked about

food freedom counts like yours, you know, and so I was sort of getting fed two narratives, and I was just feeling very overwhelmed and confused, you know, because I'd be scrolling my feet and it would be you know, someone talking about counting you know, their car their net carbs and whatever, and then I would come across someone that's like, you know, eat all the carbs, and I

was just like, what do I do? You know? And both women are you know, looking vibrant and healthy and in love with their bodies, and I just didn't know where I fit in, and I didn't know which one was like my people, you know, because you're trying to kind of fit yourself into a tribe. So I would say it can be very overwhelming and confusing. And so I think a good tip that I wish I would have learned is, you know, taking time off social media during some of those moments. And you're really good at

least about taking social media detoxes. I need to get better at it, but sometimes, you know, your best evolution and your best growth happens offline. Actually most of it,

I'm sure. And although I am proud that there were moments where, you know, I remember doing a post after I you know, really moments after I binged almost an entire jar of peanut butter, and I took a selfie and I was in my kitchen and I was feeling so just so much, so many a mix of feelings because it was a few, you know, maybe like a year nine months to a year into really my you know, deep recovery journey, and I almost felt like, you know, I was past this, Like it was the first binge

I had had in about nine months to a year and I was really stressed with a business and I had a lot going on, and I just I mean, I snapped and I just binged, and I don't know what overcame me, but I had this feeling to just take a selfie of myself and post it immediately to my feed with just like really a brain dump of

what I was feeling and thinking. And I've never received so many messages and you know and sweet just comments and you know, people reaching out to me and just number one, you know, just resonating and feeling have you know, they've been there, but also just really acknowledging me for sharing in that moment, just so vulnerably because it's so easy to look back, as you were saying, and talk

about things that happened in the past. You know, it's so much easier, so much less uh less emotionally taxing. But at the same time, you know, I am proud of myself for doing that in the moment. But again I think, yeah, if I were to give one tip, it would be, you know, don't try to do too much like because it's hard. It's a lot to process, you know, and then also to do that publicly it's

even harder. So I would have told myself just you know, take a break when you need it and um, you know, give yourself time to just process those feelings and what you're going through. And I think you bring up a few points here that I just want to highlight. One that it's not linear. So you could go nine months without a binge and then you have a binge doesn't mean that you're back to square one. Number two is the time it takes. You know, we're talking about your recovery.

Most people are probably thinking it's a snap of the finger, but you said nine months into your recovery, putting in that work. And then I think most of all, you've brought up in the last episode a few times that you were working with a professional or some sort of mental health or nutrition professional, which really highlights that Instagram wasn't your only way to heel and I think that's important.

And now that you're like a little bit farther along, I believe I don't know if you'd say that, but like I said in the beginning, you have an energy to you that is confident in many different areas of your life. You're fulfilled in different ways. It seems the one thing I would caution people from doing that I've seen is sharing vulnerably for validation. You're you're probably five or six years younger than me, so we have different

relationships to our stories and social media. But even like five or six below you, like the college girls or women right out of college, they grew up with social media so forefront and with vulnerability as a trend. I worry about the validation. So sharing something like your peanut butter post, which happened to really land with a lot of people. They're gonna be some days where you post

something vulnerably and it's healing for you. But when you don't get the likes or the comment through the door, you know, are you like, oh my gosh, I shouldn't

have shared that, because then the share wasn't for healing. Totally. Yeah, I love that you brought that up because it's so true, and I almost feel like I've trained myself expecting that and it's been you know, it's scary even now when I share something and I feel like now I'm kind of sharing more like business entrepreneurs stuff, I don't really get sweaty before I post, you know, because I'm sharing something like really intense about my recovery like I used to,

but I would get really nervous, and then it was almost like this calming effect of seeing the validation and the comments and the likes rolling in and people being like, oh, I see you girl. You know, oh I've been there, and it was like okay, like I neede the right decision, sort of just like confirming that, you know, again that pad on the back of Okay, what I did was

the right move. You know, you're you know other people, and then there you're not weird because of course there's always that little like oh my gosh, like you know, I'm I going to be the only one who's done this, and people are gonna be like, well, that's weird, you know, which of course it isn't, because again, like we've all struggled with stuff like this. But at the same time, yeah, I think you're so right. There is that that negative or dark side to you know, vulnerability becoming a trend.

But I would argue, you know, I don't mind it, even if there's people out there that you know, are doing it for the validation I suppose, you know, I think it's just the net is so positive and helpful for people Like if I was, you know, in high school or even starting college and I had the social media I guess community or network that I have today, I would have felt so much better about my body.

And I will say the downside really is it's only on you, right, So if you're sharing something and you're being vulnerable for the sake of validation, you know, it's really only harming I guess you. But to other people, they see that vulnerability and you're like, wow, you know, I didn't like if I especially if I see celebrity, someone who in the public eye seems very you know, like they have their ship together and they share something. You know, even if I read that now, I'm like, okay, cool,

you know, it's like stars are just like us. Like it kind of makes me feel better in a weird way. So yeah, I see both sides, but I think overall, I think it could be a positive thing too for younger women. I love that. So Eric is your boyfriend, your co founder, your roommate, slam Daddy. You're slam Daddy really everything, and he has been by your side through

this journey. The other day, you posted something that was not something I actually have ever experienced, but It made me really think, and you shared that you learned that your significant other, Eric was only seven pounds heavier than you are. Tell us about that story and what it did for you and how you handled it. Yeah, yeah, so this was I would say, there's moments in your recovery that kind of shake you to your core and challenge everything that you know you have worked hard towards.

This was definitely one of those times. The other one was when COVID was happening and I felt like the world was crumbling around me and I started grasping for control and food. But that's a story from that. But yes, this happened. So you know, I started working with a personal trainer recently because, you know, working in the kitchen, contrary to what a lot of people probably assume, it's not just rainbows and daisies and making fun granola all day.

It's a lot of heavy lifting and oats and flax and you know, heavy bags. And luckily, now you know, we've built our team, so I don't have to do that anymore. But at the beginning, when we first moved to Philly, you know, February March, it was a lot and I was exhausted, and you know, I felt really weak, and I'm you know, I was the only woman in there. I really wanted to like pull my weight, so to speak.

So I was like, you know, I'm going to hire a personal trainer, see her a couple of days a week, see how it goes. See if I can get you know, build some biceps on these SpongeBob arms. And so the first appointment with her, you know, she sort of takes your beginning measurements, which at first, you know, I kind of was like I shouldn't. I shouldn't do this right, like it could be triggering for me. But I was like, you know, I just met her, didn't really want to

you know, rock the boat. And so I'm like, okay, fine, And then I was like, again, I shouldn't look at

the number. I shouldn't look the number. But I really have gotten to a place where and I've talked about this before, you know, scale neutrality, and again this is I feel like, sort of a hot topic where not everyone you know can agree on this, but I really, you know, I got to this place in my recovery where I was like, you know, I don't want to feel like I'm chained or you know, like the scale owns me, Like I want to get to this place

where I can read the number and feel emotionally neutral, right, Like I want to get to this place where it doesn't ruin my entire day, sort of like if someone has a fear of spiders, you know, and it's like

exposure therapy. So there was a point in my recovery, you know, where I was weighing myself and it helped a lot, you know, contrary to what a lot of people believe, it did help me a lot because I was like, wow, you know, I saw the number fluctuated up and down depending on my cycle, depending on how much water I drank, and it became less and less significant. It didn't become this big, scary number, and it finally

became you know, like it was just my height. It was just you know, my shoe s eye something about me. And I know that it's probably you know, not for everyone, and it depends where you are in your recovery. But then, you know, a lot of time passed where I just became indifferent to weighing myself because it didn't make a difference, you know, my worth or who I am, and I just kind of forgot about it, honestly, that I had

a scale. So long story short, you know, the trainer weighs me and Eric mentioned something when we got home, and I'm not gonna, you know, obviously say numbers for anyone, but he was like, oh, wow, you know I've lost weight recently, you know, I weigh X. And then I was like, I'm like, wait, say did you just say a type of like come again? And it was only seven pounds more than me. And to give you guys context, Eric is probably six to I don't know, six two

or sixth three. He kind of slouches so and I'm like five four, so you know, a pretty big height difference. And he's always been very like long and lanky, you know, and so it was not not really a surprise, but I guess just hearing that number it just really rocked me. And so I decided to talk about it because I recently had someone on my podcast, Kayla Nielsen, who you know, she's lesbian. She's dating or actually just engaged to a woman,

and that's really common. She was telling me in the LGBT community, where you know, comparing your body to your partner's body because it's two women right, it's like comparing you know, when you have two sisters or twins, and it's very common. And that was something I had never thought of as a straight woman. So that was really interesting.

It started getting me thinking about it. But then also just this you know notion and sort of this you know, societal norm of having your partner, your you know, your husband, your male slam daddy be much bigger and stronger and you know, way more than you. And as the woman, you're supposed to be small and petite and you know, palatable, and it just yeah, I just really got me thinking, and so I want to talk about it, and um, you know, I'm not gonna lie. It's still was something

that affected me. And again it was one of those moments that it rocked me and I was kind of like got it. Just it made me check myself and it really made me. I mean immediately I had those thoughts of like, wow, you know, I really let myself go. You know, I need to start cleaning up my diet. Like all of those old thoughts patterns were just sort

of you know, re emerging. And luckily, because of the years of you know, just self work and working with professionals, I you know, have the opportunity to really hear those thoughts and just hear them for what they are, their thoughts. They're not the truth. And then I was able to separate myself from them and be like, Okay, I can choose to follow these thoughts, but I know where it's going to lead me. It's going to lead me into

a downward spiral. It's going to lead me into disordered patterns and just a place where I've been before and I don't want to go back to. So I'm going to choose to follow other thoughts, you know, thoughts where my weight doesn't determine my worth. I am lovable exactly how I am. Who says that that Eric? You know, it's not okay if Eric weighs the same as me,

or if I weigh more than Eric. Um. And when I talked about it, I had a lot of women commenting that were like, wow, you know, thank you, Like I actually weigh more than my husband or my partner. And I felt very shameful about it for a really long time. So yeah, that's kind of just I mean what I want to say about that, But it was just, yeah, something I was on my mind, and something that I guess I didn't really realize was still you know, some

stuff that was coming up for me. I just think it was so so interesting and working with people over the years, there's always this comparison with the partner thing that comes up, whether the partner eats more or eats less. You know, that's a big one too. Have has that come up for you? Oh yeah, oh my god, I mean so yes, Like historically, it's always been something that

I've had to work on. I mean, for example, the first trip that Eric and I went on together when we first started dating, we went to Paris, City of Food, and you know, I eat every few hours honestly, and he's the type of guy that you know, talk about people who forget to eat. Like even we're at the office now and he's like, oh, it's four or forty five, you know, haven't had lunch yet, and I'm like really, I'm like about I'm ready for dinner. I've already had

multiple meals. But we were on our first you know, the occasion together, and I remember just feeling so faint because I would I felt so insecure about how much more frequently I was eating than him because we had

just started dating. You know, we weren't comfortable with each other yet, and so I was like and he just you know, kept on chugging along, didn't say anything about wanting to get food, which just goes to show again just my fear of eating in front of other people and just being afraid to to share my needs, my

inherentce like human needs. You know. It's like saying that you're afraid to go to the bathroom, like I was afraid to be like, hey, you know, you don't want to grab something to eat, I'm getting a little hungry, Like that would have been terrifying for me. So rather, I just discarded my you know, primal instincts and my hunger signals and I just tried to chug on through like him and work. You know, in Paris, you're walking all over the place. We were sightseeing and burnt, you know,

expending a lot of energy. And then you know, I just got really itchy, bitchy and twitchy, like I say, and I snapped at him for something and he was like, are you okay? And I was like, I'm just so hungry, like you know, and of course it's like ship hit the fan because I didn't say anything and I was like, I can't believe you're not hungry, Like it's been you know, we've been walking around for eight hours, Like how are you not hungry? He's like, I don't know, Like sorry,

I don't know. I'm just not hungry yet. And he was like, do we want to go get something to eat? And I was like yes, Like I'm so hungry. He was like, okay, why don't you say anything? And so it just was it's so comical now, but at the time, it really was a huge thing. And even since then, you know, and I've gotten to this place now where it doesn't face me at all, Lisa, and I'm so I'm proud of myself for getting to that point because I think, you know, for someone who's in a disordered place,

it's difficult. A relationship is difficult in any you know, any way that you you put it. Sometimes some people have partners who are eating much more than them, and that's challenging, but for me, it was the opposite. And so I felt like, you know, I was trying to you know, relax around food and eat more, but here my partner was you know, not eating, and I felt like it was this you know, he was like waving

it in front of my face. So yeah, so it's been you know, it's been a learning journey for sure, but I think the biggest thing and Eric is so logical. He was like, you know, I told him about this and I was like, I finally got to the point. We've been dating for almost eight years and this was only like a year or two ago, and I told him. I was like, this really affects me, like that you

go all day without eating. I feel really insecure about it, Like I'm the woman I'm supposed to be dainty, you know, what the hell is up? Like why are you the one who's not eating? And he was just so he's so logical. He's a bioengineer, you know, just classic engineer brain. And he was like, Ali, why does what I eat affects how you feel? Or why does what I eat effect when you eat? Like we're two different people, just

so simply, you know. And I'm like wrapped up in my emotion and the story around it, and I was like, God, you're so right. But yeah, so it's been a journey. I think, you know, I'm a much better place now.

But it is a process, and it's so if you're out there and that's you right now, Like you're not alone, and I think just as much as you can separating and just you know, listening to the Eric voice in your mind and be like, what my partner eats has nothing to do with you know, we're two different people, we have different needs, all that good stuff. I love that,

and I think that's great advice. And I love how he really just functions as a mirror for you, you know, like you threw it at him and he untangled it for you, and it was like this, my eating is

not actually a problem. That is your problem, you know, but it was kind of helpful because it helps you check yourself rather than you know, him contribute in any negative way, which sometimes partners don't know how to react or they try to respond in a way that's helpful, but it could actually be worse to try and help you. But you just straight up was like, this is my body. I got this, your body, you got this, and kind

of created autonomy between the two again. So that's that's amazing. Totally. Well, we loved having you in out way for two episodes. If you missed the first episode, we talked all about Ali's eating or binge, eating, eating from the trash some of those more shameful moments that she's happy to share because she knows that it will help other people. And thanks for shining your light on the world, whether it's talking about your journey or creating delicious granola butter. We're

just so lucky to have you. Oh, thank you so much. Yeah, I was just awesome. And um, I hope it helps at least one person, well for sure. Thanks everyone,