Busting Through The "Control Myth" (It’s not what you think) (Outweigh)

solo episode this week. But before we dive in, Amy and I did a series called Two Things Can Be True at the same time designed to normalize the in betweens and heal from extremism. So if you miss those, definitely go back and check those out. All eight episodes are out now and we're gonna keep on treking along with this week's episode about Way, which is all about one of the biggest myths that comes up with my clients.

So just for context, the number one thing that I've noticed women do to try to take control and I'm really putting that in air quotes, but take control of their health is to try to take control of the food that they are eating. And heck, there's a multi billion dollar industry geared towards helping you do just that,

and that's really what the diet industry is. But when it comes to any woman that struggles with any type of disordered eating or an actual eating disorder, this adds even more madness to the equation because the more you try to air quotes control what you eat, ironically, the

more out of control you feel. And the truth is is that everyone knows how to control food or control what you put in your body, and everyone knows how to do the whole eat less, move, more dance, and you know, there's countless options out there teaching you how to count and measure and and restrict and micromanage or control what or how much you eat. But let's be honest, is that really the approach that you want to take? And is that going to help or harm you and

your efforts with your relationship with food? And does that even solve the right problem? And if you get truly honest with yourself, is trying to you know, control yourself? If that was going to work, wouldn't it have worked by now? Now this might seem like a super obvious thought process. But again, I have worked with hundreds of women over the years, and the number one thing I hear is leanne I wish I had more control over food.

And if you're anything like I was, or like my clients are, trying to control food or track food or simply think about food, actually makes disordered eating worse, and it ingrains more of the diet mentality that you think you're trying to get away from. And I totally get it because I learned and the same eat less move more equation that I'm assuming you know you probably learn too.

And even though yeah, it can be effective and feeding that short term gratification trap of making you feel like you're in control, unless you address your relationship with food,

nothing will change in the long run. So, for example, if within your relationship with food, you feel like you're a slave to controlling yourself or a slave to exercise to make you feel some sense of control or to keep you from feeling like you're going off the date bend, or if you're always bouncing from one extreme to the other.

So for me, it looked like, you know, dieting and restricting or playing food police until I couldn't really take it anymore, and then my inner rebel would kick in and I would move to the polar opposite, you know, care free, abandonment, eating whatever I could get my hands on, and then of course feeling guilty or trying to out

exercise what I ate. So if you live anywhere on that spectrum, and we all have our own version of it, that means you're mos likely living on that up and down, all or nothing control roller coaster, which means you're probably the opposite of free. And if I can be bold and take a guess, I'm guessing that you're probably the opposite of happy, because let's be honest, that's no way

to live. And as you're gonna hear me talk about a lot, unless you, or I should say, until you address the self image and body image that's causing you to think and act and feel and behave the way that you are and to eat the way that you're eating, or to eat your feelings, or you know, to feel all that shame and blame and guilt and comparisonitis and perfectionism, or you know, whatever your version of that is. And

again we all have our own. There's no shame, and I'm really not trying to be doom and gloom or negative, but you will bring all of your old habits and old thinking and old behaviors with you if you don't address it. And that's why today's episode is so important. But also, you know, there are so many mixed messages out there about this idea trying to you know, control what you eat and the fact that you should try to get good at controlling yourself and having more willpower.

But in reality, not only does this mentality keep you stuck in the cycle and oftentimes it makes it worse. But thinking that controlling what you eat or even that weight loss is going to solve a deeper, bigger struggle, or that it is the answer, it's actually going to keep you from finding what actually works for you to

heal in all the ways that you need healing. And again, this is not a short term conversation, because everything works in the short run, and there's a million ways to feel in control in the short run, But then it's like what happens after a few days or a few weeks, and you know, we really need to shift the paradigm to start talking about what will work for you in the long run. As in forever and heal the cycle, close the loop, put the fire out, and prevent the

fires from popping back up in the future. So what I'm proposed us is that we dive into the thinking and the mindset and the brain set behind all of this, as in, you know, the wiring in your brain that

is doing the doing without your permission. And in order to do that, I want to start by addressing one of the biggest myths that you need to be aware of if you ever want to heal your relationship with food, your relationship with your body, your relationship with yourself, and put all of this stressing about food and your body to bed for good. So let's dive in. So I believe that one of the biggest myths out there in the women's health world is just that it's this idea

that you should go get good at controlling food. And like I said, I can't even tell you how many women I speak with that wish they could simply you know, have more willpower or discipline or perseverance to stick with whatever plan they put themselves on, or you know, maybe their dietician or nutritionists put them on it. And yes, you know, sometimes it's even an eating disorder specialist that put you on something that essentially caused you to think

about food even more. And again, there's so many different things out there, and I'm not trying to make anything wrong, but we also want to be aware of that, even when we think we're getting the help that we need, if it's not serving us, we want to know what that looks like too, right, because the reality is, let's face it, all you want to do is not think

about it and not have it rule your brain. There are so many amazing dieticians and nutritionists and eating disorder specialists out there, but a lot of my clients come to me and they're likely Anne, I went to somebody that specialized in eating disorders and disordered eating and it made the problem worse. So you also want to be aware of when it's creating more of this food focused conversation. Right.

And I can't even tell you how many women come to me and tell me that, like, if they could just figure out how to make, you know, willpower and discipline and control show up for them, then all would

be well and the problem would be solved. And they kind of feel bad that they're not able to muster up those skills, and I used to think this same thing about my own struggles and my own up and down weight loss, weight gain, yo yo cycle, and my own inability to stick with whatever the you know, diet of the month or plan of the month I promised myself I would follow through on, And I came to learn that it was only because I was focusing on

the wrong thing. In fact, I was actually making things worse because willpower and motivation and the ability to you know, grit my way through yet another unsustainable plan or program or structure were not my problems. The real problem was this idea in my head that I actually wanted to go get good at control in the first place, or to be a better dieter or whatever words I was using.

That was the problem. It was that hyper control mentality that was keeping me stuck and the fact that I was trying to become more skillful in a way of thinking that was setting me up to lose and setting me up to fail. Well, that was just the icing on the cake. Because when trying to control myself or grit my way through cravings or you willpower, when that kind of thinking was the epicenter of my strategy, this

was basically my life. So, first off, I was playing a game that I would never love and I would never win. Yet I was investing crazy amounts of time and energy and money and you know, heart and soul, really trying and wishing and praying that somehow this time

would be different. I was playing a game that I would never love and never win, and trying to force myself, persuade myself, convince myself to keep playing, even though I knew in my heart that it would never work and that there had to be a better way, even if

I didn't know what the heck that looked like. Right, I was playing a game that I would never love and never win, and then beating myself up or shaming myself, blaming myself, feeling guilty all the time because I honestly thought there was something wrong with me, that I was the problem. Till all of a sudden, you know, I got to that point where I hate to admit it, but I kind of almost lost hope or faith or trust that anything would work for me, because by that point,

I genuinely thought there was something wrong with me. I genuinely thought I was messed up or a food addict or whatever other cruel and untrue things I was saying

to myself. Thankfully though a moment literally down on my knees on a paddle board with tears streaming down my face, and I now endearingly call it my first quarter life crisis, which is a whole other story all in itself, but it forced me to stop putting band aids on the problem, get the help that I needed, and finally solve the problem that had been following me around my entire life. And it was only through those series of events that

I was able to realize the following. So trying to use willpower and control was simply a band aid or a way of me papering over the fact that I had a really complicated and stressful and emotional relationship with food and a complicated, stressful and emotional relationship with myself. Ironically, though, you know when you're trying to control yourself all the time, you know what that brings more of? Well, yeah, you

probably guessed complication, stress, and emotion. So it's taking the complication, the stress, and the emotion and just adding to it, but trying to control myself thinking that it was going to help, but it was making it worse. And it was just one big catch twenty two. And this is where I want to talk about something that I talk about all the time, and I call it the weight

of the weight. And this is where I want to talk about something that I talk about all the time, and I call it the weight of the weight, because the weight on your body isn't the real weight. The real weight is all this other stuff that you've been

carrying around with you. And we're going to talk about what that is in just a second, but for right now, just know this, like, once you make the shift, once you ditch that weight what I call the weight of the weight, that's when you'll finally be able to be done with all the food and body and diet stuff once and for all, and you know, no more dieting and worrying and stressing or obsessing or second guessing or whatever, right and you can just finally stop all of that

controlled diet madness, okay, and you'll be able to get off the up and down all or nothing roller coaster and you'll know how to give yourself what you really need to transform your health for good, not just get those short term. Can't keep them because I can't sustain this kind of results. Right. And when I talk about the weight of the weight, there's a few different weight of the weights that you'll hear me talk about throughout

these episodes on that way. But the weight of the weight that I want to talk about today is the first weight that needs to be ditched, and it's the weight of the fight, Okay, the fight against food, the fight against your body, the fight against yourself. And I want to give you permission to ditch the weight of the fight, which is really this quest to control, as in, ditch the weight of the restriction and the deprivation and the punishment and the persuasion and the stress that typically

comes alongside food in your body. And it does not have to because here's the thing. Food is not the problem. Food is not some enemy, right. The hyper trying to control yourself mentality is the problem here. It's your thoughts about food that are the problem. Right. The all or nothing, black white up down on off roller coaster is the problem because you can't ever get off, or if you do,

you become terrified that you're going to go. You know, for me, it was like, oh my gosh, I'm going to go gain a bunch of weight I'm going to go off the deep end. I'm gonna feel so out of control. So either way, you end up feeling like you're a slave to it, and you become like kind of like a hostage to it. It controls your life more than you do. Right, And so here's the truth.

This is the real weight. This is what perpetuates your struggle with food and your body and actually makes it worse because first of all, it's stressful, but I would even go as far as say it's fattening. And here's what I mean. So I want to share with you what I call the tail of two cookies. And I've shared this before, but it definitely bears repeating. So picture this.

If I eat a cookie and I allow myself to really experience it, you know, the positive emotions of the cookie like joy, pleasure, indulgence, just permission to eat it, no drama. Right. This is going to put me in the relaxed branch of my nervous system. It's called the

parasympathetic branch. And so as a result, I'm going to have all of those feel good, happy hormones floating through me, things like dopamine, serotonin and oxytocin and most women don't know this, but you've got to be in that parasympathetic branch if you want to digest your food optimally and extract nutrients and really just get your metabolism firing optimally. As in, your metabolism and nervous system can't do its

job if it's not in that parasympathetic branch. But on top of that, now that cookie has become one more repetition of me practicing relaxation and ease around food, and you're gonna learn the nervous system it just it literally just gets good at whatever you teach it, whatever it practices, and then this is going to create positive neuro associations

alongside that cookie. But on the flip side, if I eat a cookie, same cookie, but this time I'm feeling guilty because I think it's bad, or because I'm doing something air quotes wrong, or simply eliciting any other negative emotions, this puts me in the stressed branch of my nervous system, the sympathetic branch. And so now this experience of the cookie, the same cookie but with different thoughts means that I

have these stress hormones floating through me. Things like cortisol, adrenaline, epinephyrine. And again, you know, when you're in this branch of your nervous system, it's not able to optimally do its job, so optimal digestion, optimal extraction of nutrients, and really like firing up metabolic path ways. Your brain thinks it's running from a saber toothed tiger, so it's not able to

optimally do all of that right. But on top of that, now this cookie, with those thoughts, it's me practicing like another repetition right of stress and unease and disease right disorder around food. And again, the nervous system gets good at whatever it practices. So now we're laying down these negative neuro associations alongside food. Okay, but this isn't just the case when it comes to food, Okay, who you're being and how you're feeling before, during, and after any

action is what makes the biggest difference. So it's not about what you're doing that's the most important thing. It's about who you're being and how you're feeling. And that's why, yes, I'm saying it's better to eat a cookie with permission than a kale salad under duress or distress, because how you feel matters. Okay, when you are stressed or feeling guilty or overwhelmed, or you just feel it crap you are in you're creating and eliciting that threat or stress response. Okay.

But the cool thing is your body also has this relaxation response that cascades when you feel good or at peace during any experience. So again, it's not the cookie, it's who you're being and how you're feeling before, during, and after, and the same is true for your body. So let's just run through that. So for example, and I want you to just kind of picture this in

your own body. If I'm feeling pain free, right and I'm thinking happy thoughts and my nervous system is happy and healthy, bam, it's going to trigger that relaxation response. But if I'm in pain, so physical pain, maybe it's emotional pain because I'm thinking self critical thoughts about my body, that's gonna make my nervous system I call it nervous, like a nervous nervous system, and bam, I'm triggering that

fight or flight response. And yes, that's simply based on the thoughts that I'm thinking about my body so again, it's not your body, it's who you're being and how you're feeling about your body and the thoughts that you're thinking. And I could go on and on and on. I used you know, cookie in your body as an example, but I think you're starting to get a pattern here. Okay, but there's another really big reason that trying to restrict or control and like again the control mentality in general,

why it's the problem. Because if I told you not to think about the color blue, okay, just roll with me for a second, Like, do not think about the color blue, Okay, don't think about blue paint or a blue sky, just don't think about the color blue. Period. We as humans, especially women, if we are told that we can't or have or do or you know, can't consume something, it's all we think about. We want it even more right, if you tell me I can't have it,

I think about it. Right. And so every woman that I've ever met that struggles with overeating or emotional eating or disordered eating or an eating disorder, you're so sick of thinking about food, right, And that's why telling yourself not to have something, not to do something, it's going to make you think about it even more. And again, you're sick of thinking about food, right that you just

want to think about it less. But when you're in that all or nothing, black white on off roller coaster and you're trying to play the control control control game, which we already learn it just doesn't work and it's never going to work, you're stuck in that paradigm. Okay. So again, in other words, I mean, he's just trying to say this a different way, and I'm one of those people that likes to hear things multiple different ways. But I'll just kind of spell it out. Food is

not the problem, Okay. I know we listen to podcasts and we read books and we think like, oh my gosh, I have a food problem. But it's really not the food. It's your thoughts about food that are the problem, okay. And your weight in your body are not this air quotes problem. It's your thoughts about your body that are causing and perpetuating the problem. And I hate to say it like this, but like you are not the problem, but you are also the problem in the way that like,

it's your thoughts about yourself that are the problems. So your thoughts are the solution. Therefore you are the solution. It's one of those things that I had to own where I'm like, oh my gosh, I'm the problem. What's that Taylor Swift song? She's like, Hey, I'm the problem. It's me right, I'm the problem. But by golly, I am the solution. Which is so empowering because I know for me, I was thinking the solution lived you know air quotes out there, and now I know, no, it

lives in here. It's in my mind. It's in my brain. But I had to acknowledge not with shame, like with love and compassion that like I am creating the problem in my head with the way that I'm thinking, and more of the control side of it is just perpetuating that thinking, more of the problem. Right. So if food, you know, stresses you out or bums you out or weighs you down, food is not the problem. It's it's your relationship with food and who you're being and how

you're feeling around the food that's the problem. Right. And I can promise you this, right, food is not going away, Okay, temptation, it's not going away either. And you know, family gatherings and holidays and nights out on the town and you know, tired night, it's at home on the couch. You know the times when statistically most people tend to mindlessly eat or stress eat or emotionally eat. They aren't going away either, Okay. In fact, we can count on the fact that food

will always be a part of our lives. So the way I see it, you can keep kind of ignoring that and just hope that willpower and discipline magically appear to counter all the restrictions in control. Or you can a prepare yourself to better handle those situations when they do come and be little by little prevent them from happening as much in the future, because this is the real weight in your mind, body and brain. So here's

how it played out for me. You know, first off, I had to get really real with myself and what the problem really was, because until I identified the real problem, I would never be able to find a real solution.

So first I realized that I needed to stop the dieting and hyper control, which again left me feeling so out of control, and realized like that that was making it worse, and on top of it, it didn't even work right, and I realized that I was never actually addressing the psychology of food and my relationship with food.

That all I ever knew, because it's all I ever learned, was how to control food or this you know, the control mentality, and that if I ever truly wanted to be free, I needed to be unbrainwashed of the mindset of thinking about food so much through you know, control or restriction or deprivation or punishment or whatever. I learned and really learn a whole new way of thinking around food. And I know, to a lot of women I talk to, they're likely and I don't even understand what that looks

like because this is all I've ever known. So if that's you, like, I totally hear you. But also I realized that food was just one of the ways that I was disconnected from myself and disconnected from my body, and that if I ever truly wanted to find peace of mind and happiness and freedom, I needed to end that war that I entered into a long time ago, where I was fighting myself and shaming myself and blaming

myself and really just trying to control myself. And I needed to find a way to move towards peace and love and freedom. Like Wave the White flag like end the war with my body, and so moral of the story. You know, this myth that controlling yourself is the solution, right, or that it's something that you even want to get good at. That is the myth and the lie and the brainwashing that I believe keeps women stuck, and it

keeps them in a prison. And it's a prison of control and judgment and micromanaging every ounce of food that touches your lips. And it's a prison of restriction and deprivation that inevitably just leads to guilt or shame. And it's a prison that we actually become afraid to leave. I mean, you know, I know for me, it's all I had ever known, and if it's all you've ever known, like, it's very understandable that you're kind of terrified to leave it.

And you know, again, if you're anything like me, it was a conversation that went something like, well, what will happen if I stop trying to control or if I stop restricting like again, I'll go off the deep end or gain a bunch of weight or you know, insert

dramatic story. And we all have our own. And the ironic part is that, yes, it's a prison, but it's a prison that in some way actually feels safe and it feels comforting because it's what we know, right, and the brain loves what it knows, even if it's not really that great, even if it's an absolutely causing suffering, and until we realize that it's not actually keeping us safe and that it's not actually comforting us, until we

realize that, we stay stuck in it. But the cool thing is, if we choose it, we can break down those walls and escape any time we choose and start moving in the direction of freedom and happiness and peace of mind and love, like true, genuine self acceptance and self love, not that just like fake positivity that I know the world threw at me for a lot of years, for real, like really feeling it in your bones. Okay,

so what does that look like for you? And you know, to be honest, it's different for every woman, and you know, but here's what I can tell you. It isn't all right. And I'm going to let you in on a little distinction that I teach my clients and it's kind of like a filter or a process so that we can create their own unique recipes for freedom and peace of mind and self love because I really believe we all

need our own recipe. But here it's super simple. So the first question is this, and you can use this like in the moment, but you can also use it big picture like are you walking towards freedom so you know, food freedom, body freedom? Or are you walking away from it? Right? And just look look at your life, look at your kind of strategy. Are you walking towards freedom or walking

away from it? And are you walking towards happiness or you know day to day like are you feeling happy or is the strategy that you're using making you happy? Or are you walking away from happiness? Right? And are you walking towards peace of mind or are you walking away from peace of mind? Like are you living in a stress or worry or anxiety or feeling like you're constantly burnt out or just hemorrhaging energy? Following the plan, the program, the structure, the system of thinking that you

are following. Because here's the reality, and I mean this with so much love, But if whatever it is that you're committed to makes you feel restricted or confined or deprived, or if you have to force yourself to do it, or stick with it. You are actively out voting your freedom. And if whatever it is that you're committed to is making you feel unhappy, or it's robbing you of your joy, or outright does it make you feel very good, you

are actively outvoting your happiness. And if whatever you are committing to it just blatantly you know, stresses you out or overwhelms you or bogs you down or weighs you down right, or maybe it's just that your heart and soul knows that you're not going to be able to stick with it, you are actively out voting peace of mind.

And if whatever you're doing is causing you to constantly feel shame or blame or guilt or comparison itis or perfectionism, you are actively out voting self love and self acceptance. So I really just invite you to think about your connection and commitment to trying to air quotes control yourself and also thinking that you might actually want to get

better at it. And I want you to think about this idea that you need to simply gather more willpower or discipline, or that it's just a matter of finding the perfect plan, right, Just think about all those ways that you're still kind of in the control mentality and it might be disguised as air quotes healthy, right, And instead I just want you to ask yourself, like, is this really what I want? And is this really what I need? Like is this solving the right problem? Or

is it just perpetuating the old problem? And there is no shame and no judgment, just love. But again, if control and practicing willpower hasn't worked up until now, what's going to magically cause it to start working for you now? Right? And if you've been, you know, practicing the control mentality for what seems like forever, you know, if it was ever truly going to work, don't you think it would

have worked right now? And I wish that somebody would have warned me that the thing I was thinking would save me and would be my solution was actually making things worse. Okay, this conversation, it really could have saved me years of struggling and suffering and pain. And I wouldn't be who I am if I didn't least share

it with you right here, right now. So I'm going to turn it over to you, and I genuinely just invite you to explore kind of the conversation the lines of thinking, the lines of questioning that I shared on today's episode, and really like, what do you have to lose? Right because if you're here right now and you're stuck in some sort of pain or suffering or a prison of the food and body prison, what do you have to lose? Really? Okay, So that is all for this

week's episode of Outweigh. And if you want to hear more about the process that I teach my clients when it comes to rewiring your own brain and self image when it comes to food in your body, then head on over to Stressless Eating dot com and sign up to watch the Stressless Eating webinar where I walk you through the exact five step game plan that my own clients use to heal themselves from that all or nothing diet mentality for good, but without restricting themselves, punishing their bodies,

and definitely without ever having to use words like macros, low carb or calorie burn. And so I've laid it all out for you over there in five easy steps. So head on over to stressless Eeating dot com and check it out. And I'm Leanne Ellington signing out for this episode of Outweigh, and we will be back next week. Bye