I won't let my body out be outwait everything that I'm made done.
Won't spend my life trying to change. I'm learning love who I.
Am, I get, I'm strong, I feel free, I know every part of me.
It's beautiful.
And then will always out way if you feel it, but you are, She'll some love to the body. Have there?
Take you a day, Anita? Did you and die out way?
Happy Saturday?
Outweigh Amy here and kat I saw this article the other day that said, if you're ever told something rude or negative by a coworker or a friend, a response that you can give without being insulting back to them is just looking at them and saying, are you okay? And I don't know how I feel about it? I think that, but it could come across as passive aggressive
depending on your tone or how you say it. But you know that comment that people love to put on Instagram for a lot of people's photos, but sometimes it ends up undermine which A guy posted it the other day and it was like eat a burger, why don't you? And I kind of I wanted to just reply. I didn't even give him the time of day, but I wanted to reply, are you okay, Like why are you commenting on someone's photo, so like something's wrong with you?
Are you okay?
But then I'm trying to picture myself that's a stranger on the internet, and that's a way to kind of shut it down. But with your friend or your coworker, the article was saying, it's a way to respond, but again not say anything rude back, and then it'll make them reflect like, oh am I okay, why did I just say that?
Or maybe what I just said was wrong?
Okay.
I feel like this could work. I also feel like I couldn't. I kind of like that as a response to somebody who's maliciously trolling you on the internet. Of it's almost kind of I'm not going to take this so seriously and I'm gonna throw this back at you.
That is passive aggressive.
But if it's with somebody that's in your life, you would really have to finesse the tone and the delivery of are you okay?
Okay?
Which it's outweigh A cat has been on here before, but I guess I should properly introduce you as licensed therapist Kat Defada, host of You Need Therapy podcast, and Kat's joining me today for this quick conversation about what to do when people say something negative to you. And we've talked about how you know, if we're triggered by it, that's that's our problem. I'm not triggered by that comment or if someone brings something up about food anymore because
I've done the work myself. And so that's a whole nother conversation of like, don't let anybody rain on your parade or get to you, but obviously you need to respond in a way or if you want to stand up for yourself. So what if someone does say something negative, Like you, as a therapist, what would you advise us to say, like, hey, why are you eating that? Or oh, are you sure you want to eat that? Or or in person, you should eat a burger? Like how do we respond to that?
So if we were just to take that what we just were talking about, are you okay? And somebody made a comment at a meal and it's like us, all you're getting you probably should get a burger.
If I just were to say back to my friend, are you okay?
To me? That feels combative and it feels like it's welcoming in unhealthy conflict, which conflict can be healthy versus I can say I didn't really like that you just asked me that. I can say, I'm kind of curious why you feel it's okay to comment on what I'm eating. You can say, you know, it feels kind of judgmental when you make those comments, and I'm wondering what's behind them. That's still conflict, right, that's still we have to have
this dialog log and repair. But it's not this like uninviting, like I'm ready to fight, like are you okay?
It's like I'm trying to push it back.
Gone you're saying something's wrong with me, I'm saying something's wrong with you, when I'm just saying I'm curious, what made you say that.
I was having a conversation with a friend just the other day and I mentioned that I don't have a scale, and it was a male and he said, what you know, I have a scale. That's weird And I thought, well, no, it's not weird to me because I got rid of it a long time ago, because I was getting on it all the time, like it was something that I think I could have one. Now I'm in a different place, but there was a time where I kind of had
to just clean house, if you will. And it's like I don't need to wake up and weigh myself first thing, or I don't need to weigh myself after a meal, or and I was working on that, or when I go to the doctor, I don't want to be again see something and like have it spark something in me? And so we've talked before about how when you go to the doctor you can actually say like, hey, I'd passed on being weighed, or can I turn around or whatever you need to do.
To protect yourself with that.
But I felt so judged for not having a scale, so much so that I was like, well, maybe I could just get one. I don't know, But to me, I felt I got defensive. Yeah, and I was like, why do you not understand? It's like you're I was like, why are you making a big deal.
About this scale?
And this is someone that's been a friend of mine for a very long time and they know that I'm in recovery. So it was just interesting to me that he didn't get why I didn't want to scale.
You know what this makes me think of, I'm rewatching ted Lasso from the beginning.
Oh nice, and I just watched the dart scene. Do you remember that scene? It's one of the best scenes of the whole entire show.
Uh huh.
But he talks about that quote be.
Curious, not judgmental, and that is making me think when people are oh, I don't even scale, that's weird, that's judgmental, versus you know, I'm a scale.
Huh. I use my scale every day. What happened to your scale? Have you ever had a scale?
And then it invites this conversation where he can understand you. It's the same thing with the burger comment of like, oh, you need to eat a burger. It's like, huh, that doesn't feel like a lot of food. Are you not hungry?
Still not like the best thing to say. I think we should maybe at meal times not comment on people's food, But that still welcomes in a conversation versus me telling you that you're doing something wrong, and then instead of me going back, are you okay, it's like, oh, well, thank you for asking and not telling me that I'm doing something wrong.
I had an Instagram post up from iHeart Country with Sam Hunt, and I posted one that wasn't flattering. Someone had taken our photo when we were like mid sentence, I mean, Sam's kind of got his mouth open and he's like, oh, and then I'm making a weird face.
But it just like really, They're like, here's a photo.
Of you and Sam, and I'm like, uh, okay, can we find a different one? And eventually we did find better ones. But I thought, well, I'm going to post this because who cares whatever? And someone commented on there, literally to me, are you okay? And I thought, huh, I think I did end up replying to that person. Sometimes I can't help myself, so I don't like you okay? No, I just said I hadn't read that article yet, so I didn't know about are you okay?
But I said, what this is just like a what do they call it?
What is it?
Photo? When it's not planned?
Oh, candid cant there's a really bad candid photo. When I was interviewing Sam, and I just thought my face looked funny, like, oh, look at me being all professional here doing my job. And someone stood up for me and was like, hey, paraphrasing here. I don't remember the exact comment, but like, why do you have to comment on someone's pictures?
Mind your own business or whatever.
And she was like, They're like, it's not a funny joke to ask someone if they're okay. And she's like, it's not a joke.
I really want to know if she's okay. Concerned like she thought I was on something, you know, but.
If she really cared about you, I don't think she would say it that way.
Yeah.
Here's a little tip for people, though, and this is like a therapy, one on one tip. In order to stay in that curious versus judgmental realm, if we remove the word why, and instead of saying why, we say I'm curious about or I wonder we can ask this. We can get the same kind of information, but ask it in a caring, more curious way.
So I'm curious about or I wonder versus why did you? Hear?
My cousin Amanda and I on a four Things episode recently talk about replacing why with what for a more fulfilling life?
No, so, well you probably didn't. Thanks for the support. Just kidding, I'm joking.
Yeah, it's sort of like, you know how Donald Miller gave us what does this make possible? That has what in it? And that's probably why that sentence is so simple and so powerful. It's because of the what.
So.
An example she gave was a woman's diagnosed with cancer, and instead of her response being like why me, she said what is important to me in life? And that was what she was going to choose to focus on because now she had perspective and she wanted to know what is important to me right now? And that's direction she went instead of victim mentality, which is why is this happening to me? And really, in lots of different way you just it's the She did a whole study.
Is a doctor that wanted to figure out self awareness and she did all this research and apparently ninety five percent of people think they're self aware, but only ten to fifteen percent actually are. And she called them like the unicorns, and she's like, what, why are these unicorns more satisfied, more fulfilled with their life? What is the main difference from these other people that claim their self aware? And it's that they use the word what in different scenarios.
There's a cancer one. There was a guy in the study that you know, had conflict with his boss at work and instead of why are we like oil and water and why can't we ever get along. It was what can I do to show her I am valuable to the team.
Ooh, and so that's another.
What I like it?
Yeah, what what versus why what? And that's kind of what you were saying just now a little bit.
It's just a different way to ask questions.
A different way to I was trying to find the comment here too, are you okay? But I can't find it on my Instagram at radio Amy if you want to follow, and Kat is at Kat dot Defada. And then you have your podcast Therapy or you Need Therapy podcast has an Instagram too.
Right, yes, at you Need Therapy Podcasts. Well, that's exactly simple.
Exactly it.
And Kat has episodes that go up every Monday and Wednesday, and some of them even pertain to recovery from eating disorders. As you are, you are in recovery, and I just share quickly something cool that you're doing with a friend to sit down there. You're going to record and hopefully air somewhat soon ish and I can't wait to listen.
So I was talking to my best friend from college this week and didn't think she would agree to this, but she did. So she saw me walk through my disordered eating journey and then I found recovery, and then she walked through hers and then she found recovery. But we both have these perspectives of seeing at different times when we're in a more healthy mindset the person who's
not doing so great. So I asked that she'd be willing to come talk about that process of what it's like to see your friend and then what's it like for your friend to see you, because it is so much easier to see the toxicity of things, going back to self awareness when you're looking at somebody else, and we're more harsh with that as well. So in the next couple probably next couple of weeks, we're going to try to sit down and record that. It's gonna be
therapeutic for me because we've never talked about it. It's almost something we kind of like swept under the rug and didn't really want to address. And I'm like, we're like, you're one of the closest people to me, why have we not talked about this?
So should be pretty good.
Stay tuned for that Yeah you Need Therapy podcast coming soon. Well, the podcasts start out with that episode that's awesome. It may even encourage other people to just sit down with their friends and have certain conversations.
Yeah, I'm like a little nervous about it because I don't know what she's going to say. And also I'm nervous because I might want to share things with her that I've been scared to share with her because I don't want to hurt her feelings or a step on her toes or anything like that. So it should be a good way to show healthy conflict.
Yeah, and talk to each other, be curious about things and not judgmental.
Boom boom.
All right, Kat and I do the fifth Thing together, the bonus episode for my four Things podcast, and we always close it with have the day that you need to have, so it only feels appropriate to say it here, So Kat, go ahead, tell everybody have the day you.
Need to have. Okay, Bye, Bye,