UNDER THE INFLUENCE: Cherie Louise

I started a Patreon, and that's honestly how I am living right now. I would not really be getting by if it wasn't for that. So it's really pushed me to kind of work on my own writing and my advocacy as well. So it's a little bit of you know, I hate saying blessing in disguise when it's a terrible thing that's happening with COVID, but it's helped push me in the right direction personally as well.

with them. Certain I decided to do that with a Patreon because it's kind of a It's still on the internet and so on. Anyone could share it if they really wanted to, but the people that have immediate access to it are people that are actually financially supporting me, so I feel safer sharing them more intimate details with them. If that makes sense.

you're bringing up the worst of my life. And it's just like all you're going to do if I tell you the answer, you're going to go, ah, that's so sad, Like no one's going to hear cancer and go oh cool. You know, they're just going to go, oh, that's so sad. They've got to look at me with a look of pity, and then they're going to walk away and carry on

with air night. And you know, it's just unnecessary. I'm like, you didn't gain anything out of that part from satisfying your own curiosity, but you sprung me off of you know, wherever I was at with enjoying myself. So people, you know, think it's well meaning to ask those questions, but they don't realize that it's like asking for your medical history is asking it a really of trauma just out of nowhere and without actually showing any interest in you. That

they don't know anything about me. They just won't know about that one thing, and then they walk away. And then I'll also get questions, like fairly questions, you know, like can you have sex and can you drive? Those kinds of things, But it's just kind of like it's all very I don't know, they just shallow question.

like I'm at a house party or something. You know, when you've got to spend the rest of the night around these people and you don't want to kill the vibe, I'll kind of just tell them and then live on. But if I'm out and I'm like around people, and I can just kind of move on and get away from whoever I don't like, I can just like it's any business, or you know, just not tell them, where I can just bullshit them and say something completely false.

But it's just it depends. Like my friends usually look to me to answer, but they more get bothered by things that I ignore, Like when we're walking and about and people are staring at me, my friends will get more bothered than I am because I'm I taught myself how to just block all of the staring out, whereas they're not used to it, so they just see all of it and they just kind of take it all in, whereas I'm just like, whatever, this is part of it. If that makes sense.

I just remember lots of scams and lots of doctors. I was six years old, like so, I don't remember a lot, but I remember those things. And then I remember being lunch Auckland that was a New Zealand at the time, and Aucklands where the kind of country's biggest children's hospital is, so I got fun there. And then I was sitting in the corridor at the hospital and my parents were in a room with the doctors, and they came out and then they told me I had cancer.

And I only knew what cancer was because not long before that, I was watching TV and I saw a little girl on TV with cancer, and I probably janxed myself. I was like, how did I never get cancer? And then next minute, so I got told that and I knew what that was. And the only thing I knew about cancer was that you lose your hair, So that's what I immediately thought, I was, I'm going to lose my hair, freaking out. And it was a pretty messy time.

Like my parents were recently divorced, so they were dealing with that, and then all of a sudden, you know, your daughter's got cancer. So it was a very messy time trying to navigate everything with my family as well. And from there, you know, I was in hospital for three months before my surgery, and they told me before my surgery, they pulled me into a room to tell

me what could happen on the other end. So they talked about having I, guess the cancer removed, and then I would have issues with my leg and I would spend a long time in a cast and that kind of thing. So they started with the best case scenario, and then I started to freak out and I stopped listening because I was just panicking, I guess, and I didn't actually hear them when they told me that I

could actually lose my legs. So I went into my surgery not knowing that that was a possibility, and they went out. Woke up, I found out that I had lost my leg, and I was sort of freaking out to my mum, being like, you didn't tell me, you know that I could lose my leg and what's going on? And she's something you know, we did, you just w And I was only I was in ic you when that happened. So but I was only in ICU for a day, and I just remember. I just remember that.

I just remember I kept coming in and out of sleep and just like feeling my hip and being like, what's going on? Because I gotn't quite comprehend it. Something wasn't there. It felt like something was there, if that makes it, because it felt different, So I was like, what's on my hip? But it was like month nothing there, but so the weird feeling doing that, and then when I got out it was just I don't remember much after getting out of ICU in regards to being I

guess sad about in shock about losing my leg. I think after that it was more just how do we keep moving? What am I going to do? Like do I get a leg going? How am I going to get around? And that kind of thing. So I also didn't really yeah I did, because I feel like I was just kind of going with it. I don't really know what was going on. I didn't have a certain way of life that was being interrupted, and I was

just taking it as it came. It didn't feel I don't know, it probably would have been a bit surreal as opposed to being older and you've got a way of life and you've got all your habits and things that you do, and then you get thrown out of that. So I feel like being a kid, it was probably a lot easier for me to manage because I didn't really understand the implications of life and death and loss and all of that.

that was great. But I went back to school primary school, and the biggest thing I was worried about was that I had a wig, and I was really scared that everyone would know that I had a wig. And then I went back and primary school was pretty chill, like because I was already in primary school when I got diagnosed. So when I got diagnosed and I left, they had like a school assembly where they talked about me and

what was happening and stuff. So the whole school kind of already knew and they knew me before, and I think that that made it more personal of a story, Like they knew that I was going through something horrible and then I come back, so it was kind of I guess they were less likely to bully me because they'd all been waiting to hear what happened. So I didn't have too much difficulty in primary school. Then a New Zealer we have intermediate school, which is like two

years between primary and high school. Yeah, so that's when you're like eleven twelve. So then I went on to intermediate school and things were okay there. I didn't really get bullied there. Oh actually I liked I got bullied that I got like anonymous letters, really yeah, from a girl in my class. I totally know who it was now,

but back then I didn't know. Like it was so obvious now that I look back on it, but like back then, it was this big mystery and everyone was trying to figure it out, like all the teachers and stuff. But she just wrote me like these anonymous letters, and she was like pretending to be someone else, like she was trying to frame this other girl. It was really nasty, and she was just telling me how ugly I am and because I have one leg and I'm just like

just like super nasty, like really long leaders. So like she really went in. But she was obviously a very sad girl. Like she wasn't you know, popular or anything like that, so obviously a very sad, sad kid. And when the kids are not older classes, they got shann a letter as well, and they were all mortified and they all stood up to me and you know, made sure I was okay and stuff. So that was nice. But I did get bullied, but it was always behind

my back or anonymous. The only time people would bully me to my face, like even through high school. Right got to high school and the people that would bully me would be like strangers. So I'd be walking home from school when a little kid would yell out names at me, or my friends bullied me but behind my back, like they would never like they would never ever talk about my leg in front of me, and and I later found out that I were all just like constantly

making leg jokes whenever I wasn't around. That kind of really fuck because we were really close. You know.

came up with this plan in my head. I was like, Okay, well, you know, I'd never seen an amptity girl in a relationship or in love, so I was like, Okay, that's probably not gonna happens. So what we're going to do is we're going to get rich. I'm going to get a really cool job. It's not gonna matter. I love that I had the whole plan. I was like, we're gonna be alone, We're going to have like lots of pets, and we're.

the Paralympics, and that was it. I never saw any love stories or anything. And the way I was kind of, you know, I guess treated like it, you know, boy, you know you want if people have school yard crushes and stuff like that, it was never me. So I was just like, well, all right, well I need to come up with another plan. And that's what I did. And obviously I was wrong, like that's not how things were going to be when I got older, but that's definitely what I thought when I was a kid.

I should hang out and I'm like, oh, yeah, cool, and she's telling me about him and then I'm like, oh, I know that we follow each other on Twitter, so we actually already kind of knew each other. So I felt like, oh, that's cool, Yeah, invite him over for drinks and we became friends. And then you know, I still moved to Melbourne even though we were like got along so well. I was like, I'm moving to Melbourne, like I can't, you know, I'm not going to stay

on the Golf Coast for some casual thing. And then I thought kind of thought that it wasn't going to go anywhere because we're in different states at that point. But we still kept casually dating for quite a few years, and then I ended up moving back to bet with him and we've been together for about four years now. Stay and then we moved back to Melbourne, so we've been like back and forth a lot. But yeah, things

we're going really well. We lived together and now there we've got I've still got all my pets.

that's not for me. You know, I'm not an athlete. It's just like you know, looking at Olympians, it's a huge achievement. Or you'd see the other end of it, which is like a SOB story, a kittie party. So you'd have a disabled character on TV and it's just like a plot device. You know, it's about something tragic that's happened to them and now they're depressed, and you know,

it's this big sub story about this person. And we don't see the most common lives of disabled people, which is you know, everyday people who live full lives and you know, the fashionable. They're in love, they're working an office job, you know, they're doing everyday thing. But we never see that. We never see a disabled leed who is just hanging out with their friends, going and getting starbucks and got something about boys and having you know,

you know, school drama and stuff like that. It's always the extremes. So I found that super unrelatable because I'm like, well, none of these people in me and it just seems inaccurate, which I found a lot of people feel as well. And a few years ago I found a woman called Mama Cuts on Instagram and she's unfortunately passed away last year, which is very sad. But she has the same amputation as me, which is quite rare to have the whole egg plus the left half of the pelvic phone removed.

So it's yes, quite rare. I've never actually found someone else that had that amputation. And I found her on Instagram and she's this She was a model, she was like a lifestyle blogger. She had this huge following. She she was in the Rihanna's Savage Menu runway show, like

she was just kicking gold. And she was the first person that I saw and she was like she was like posting photos like in a swimsuit at the beach and stuff, and I was like, oh my god, like this is this is what I want, you know, like

this is what I need. And you know, she was the person that, you know, I've never in my whole life up until well, I think last year gone to the beach and a swimsuit, Like I just didn't go to the beach and yeah, last year I went, and it was because she had posted photos in a swimsuit, her scars were showing and she looked great, and I was like, man, like what am I doing? You know,

like I'm just wasting so much time. I haven't been because the beach with my friends and my whole life, like, so it was just yeah, just seeing her do it, I was like, oh my god, this is so great. And it's yeah, it's so sad that we lost her, but just seeing people that are like accurate to what I aspire to be, it's no important, but even.

best friends are photographers. So we did a shoot and we did the shoe, just gave them everything they needed to do a feature on me, right, And it was pretty cool because I like did the shoot myself. I kind of had control about what images were going to them as opposed to them doing the shoot and then picking everything. So for my first feature, it was pretty comfortable. They sent me like a preview of the article before it came out, so I got to, like, you know,

ask for any changes. So there was peper accommodating, which was really nice. And I was just I was, yeah, I was just at a point where I felt a bit restricted because I most of my life was like long line and I felt like a lot of people book didn't know my story, and I felt like a lot of people didn't even know that I was in an amputee, and I was just kind of tired of being self conscious and kind of yeah, apprehensive about what

would happen if they did know. I was like, oh, what if you know, they found out I've got one leg and then their attitude towards me kind of changes. And I just got tired of that, and I was like, look, I'm just going to to do this. I'm just going to drop this article and then people can deal with it, and however they take it was up to them. And it got received well, Like obviously, it's all I had that people would be mean to me and I would

lose friendships or anything like that. So it was received super well. Everyone loved it, and yeah, so it kind of it was just the way of me just breaking through my own fear, and That's what I've kind of kept doing. It's like, whenever I'm self conscious about something, I'm just going to I just kind of break through. Like with that Beag story, I just like lant out get it, took a photo, dropped it on Instagram and I was like, okay, you can all deal with it. I've seen it now.

But when it went digital, that's when I started getting all these Facebook friend requests, and I'm like all these profiles were a bit suss, Like I would go on there and it would be someone who is presenting as an amputee when they were very obviously not like they would be like an obvious photoshop job or like just like sharing different photos of different amputees and obvious.

That's where I get a bit annoyed. I'm like, look, just because you have a fetish for people like me does not mean that I owe you.

retweeted it. You know, you quote tweet yeah, and you like kind of yeah, like quote tweeted it, and they were like lmao, why and I was like, I was just like and all I did was quote tweet it again. So it was like a little whiska though of a joke, but I like quote tweeted it again. Just with a photo of me. It's like a full body photo. And I just dropped that and I was like, sweet, done, Yeah,

just a bit of a laugh, super lazy joke. And then then I started getting the retweets, and then like a few people with big followings retweeted it, and then next minute, I think it got up to nine thousand retweets, and then I can't remember how many lights, like in the tens of thousands and so, and then it turned from like people laughing with me to people laughing at me too, just like a commentary from random menace to

whatever or not. They would fuck me and they were just like tagging their friends and be like, bro, would you still hit that? And they'd be like, oh, it depends you know what this stomp looks like and all this stuff. And I'm just like, my god, one, why are you tagging me? Like take dms if you want to have your little fucking bro high pup about sex stuff.

I was obsessed with reading all the replies, like I read like every reply I got. But it was just annoying because they were making the same joke I reckon. I had like a hundred people make the same joke, and then like every now and again, I could get picked up when people thought it was hilarious and I'm like, no, it's not funny. Already being dead, yeah, I'm just getting mad that people were getting like engagement out of jokes that were.

someone making the same joke that everyone was making. It's like, you know, it's like phase seven out of ten, body, six out of ten, legs one out of two, and so it being maybe like a hundred times, and like the first time that that joke actually took off, it was an actual ampitue like making that joke, and so now it's just hundreds of people taking it and not being funny. So it was that joke and then it was just like just like popped off and read it.

I was getting all these messages, same jokes, same wild people. And then I talked about it in a private Facebook group. I was just like, yeah, getting these trolls, that's weird. And there was the journo and the Facebook group, and she saw what I was talking about, and she went and liked saw all the tweets and stuff like that, and then she sent me a DM on Twitter and she was like, hey, do you mind a very write

a story about the tweets and stuff? And I was like, let me sleep on it, because you know, like, as if I do a story is they're gonna make it worse. So people are gonna get worse, because as we know, that's how things worked. And then I slept on it.

I woke up and I was like, Oh, no, one's going to say anything worse than the thousands of tweets that I've already gotten, like let's be real, and and I was like, yeah, that's probably just going to end up like in the back of the lifestyle section what else. And then so I was like, yeah, okay, let's do it. And I did it, and then I went to work and the story came out and then I started getting all these dms from like every major news outlet and

Surelia be like hey and we share your story. I'm like, am like, may as well whatever, Like you know, these are just the people asking, you know how a lot of publications they just they don't even ask. They just go and copy the story and published. I'm like, whatever asking me, I can have some control over what they

post if I, you know, do it this way. So I did a few of them, and then by the time I got home from work, it was like front page of like every news website, like all the major ones in the country and even New Zealand where I'm from. So I started and that was unexpected, right. So that's a bit that like kind of just shook me was that I got home and I logged onto the news and my face was the first thing. But the first thing is just my big a space.

There was a big difference between that other people on Twitter that I do not know saying things I do not care about these people to being all over the news and I've got all of these people I know seeing it, and like I had like school teachers messaging me, like my family messaging me, like people just like I haven't spoken to but they all know me. I suddenly messaging me, And it was just like this unwanted merger

of Twitter and in real life. So that was like the most shocking part of it was how much it got kicked up and it went worldwide after that, and I was just it was just strange being like, oh, great, Like this is what everyone's gonna know me for.

Of course he like tweeted me like oh girl from Frankstone complaints about getting trolled online and you know, then girl goes and shares more stuff or something like that, and then I was like, why do you think I live in Frankston And he's like, oh, I looked up your eye peaters, so and I'm like totally normal behavior, dude, creepy and I'm like okay, So, like, yeah, I stayed away from that side of online commentary, which I think

was good. But yeah, when it went around the world, the western kind of cupboard was very just kind of shocked factory the least horrible comments girls and deputy help me and she's appalled, she shocked all that. And but then I read one I kind of remember what country it was them, but they kind of it was like the laziest coverage. They were just like they ended it but oh well, not much we can do about this. And I'm like, what are you and you do you want to have a stance, but they were just like,

oh well. And then it got to other areas like Indonesia. Indonesia and oh my god, nicest nicest coverage ever am. I got like a photo posted on the biggest Instagram paid in Indonesia and then I got like a thousand followers like that because this page was kewed, and they're all just the like Indonesian people sending me the loveliest messages of like oh you're so sweet, You're an angel,

and I'm just saying like nicest things. It was like such a contrast from like being troubled to me getting like thousands of messages from Indonesia just telling me like how great I am. And then I I also had a photo go up on like a Russian social media website that was a lot different. So like I started getting like an influx and followers from Russia and I was like, Oh, something must be happening there, and a DM one of them and I'm like, hey, is there

like a article or something going on in Russia? And then they sent me a link to this Russian social media website and they posted the photo of me and stuff and these they just said oh she's beautiful or something like that. That the comments like completely different. The comments were just saying things like oh this girl, you know, she doesn't know anything about what it's like to live a hard life. She'll never know what it's like to

live on the disability benefit. She's got rich parents and she's she's really stupid because she's a model, so she obviously not very smart and that's why she does what. I'm like, what I don't got like so fired up because there's one thing of like people like trolling me, but then people just like outright lying. I was like, well, my parents are not rich too. I've worked since it's fifteen years old.

all of that. If you want to read it. It's heartbreaking, but it's very important. And when I was I think I was fifteen or sixteen, I was out at the markets with my best friend. My best friend came over from New Zealand to visit me and we went out shopping. I was like, so excited have my best friend here because I had no friends. We're out shopping and at summer, I'm wearing like a summer dress and we're out, you know, at the markets, so it's like quite crowded. People are

brushing up against each other. You know, you just flee market type thing, right, And I had this woman come up to me and she like tapped me on the shoulder and she was like, don't look now, but that man over there just took photos of your dress. And I was like, and I'm like, I'm like, I'm quite a fiery person, so like I'm quite bold and do things that could probably get in a lot of trouble.

But I just turned around. I saw this thirty he was carrying like a big professional camera, right, and she said, you know she saw him put the camera up my dress who's standing behind me, and saw him go a click click click, And I wouldn't have known if this lady didn't tell me, right, And you know, I'm a miner as well. So I'm alone with my friend and back then, I I didn't have like it was, you know when you had to credit on your phone, you know, id it on my phone, so like I couldn't call anyone.

I'm in a market. The market stores don't have tuble phones, you know. It was that kind of thing. There's no security right there that you can call. And the guy was walking away and I was like, I can't let this guy get away with floaters up my dress. So I just went after it. And he said to my friend. I was like, try and get security or something like

I'm going to follow this dude. And my friend couldn't get security just because of how the market was, you know, laid out, just it's impossible, and so I went follow

the dude. He walked out to the car park and I was like, so dumb, but I followed him into the car park because you know, I can be a bit of a dumb mass, But I followed him out there and he was standing near by a car and he was looking scrolling through his camera and I walked up to him and I was just like, hey, buddie photos and he's like yeah, and I'm like, oh, what

are you taking photos of? He's like, oh, you know, just things around the market and I was just like lost them and I was like you can probably bleep this out and I was like, no, you're fucking taking photos up my dress. And I just went off on this dude and I was like, give me your camera right now, and he like obviously wasn't going to give me his camera. And then I said that's when I

started filming. And I started recording this dude because I was like, he's got to get away, and I was like that a recording hi when I was following him. So I'm like following him, recording him while trying to simultaneously get the attention of the market vendors like call security because this guy is just going to walk into the crowd and disappear and I'm never going to find him.

And as he was walking away, I was kind of like, great, he's deleting the photos because he was doing stuff on his camera rapidly as he was walking away, and he was panicking like he was very obviously guilty, and he disappeared out of sight. And then I got security wasecurity guard. I showed him the video. I told him what happened, and he was like shaking. He was like holding my phone just like he was obviously just serious. And they caught the guy in the car park again and he'd

wiped the photos by then. The police came. They let him go because they couldn't find any evidence when like, for all I know, he just popped the memory card out, but you know, hopefully he deleted them, but you know, and my dad got there, and by the time my dad got there, yeah, they let him go. And it was just like I feel like, obviously he probably targeted me because that was an amputee. Maybe that added some

curiosity to his creepiness. Like I highly doubt I was the first girl he's ever done that too, But I feel like, you know, me being an amputee definitely came into that him feeling like, I don't know, he was entitled to find out what it looked like at my dress or something like that. I don't know, but yeah, that's one of the experiences I've had.

up in the morning and the post was gone. Oh I should have done this last night, you know, like obviously they're going to get a lot about the patients and so on. So I dam them and I was just like, hey, like, I know your post is gone, but is there any chance I can still apply for the project? And they were applied and they were like, yes, of course. So I emailed them just saying I want to be a part of it. A bit about myself.

I know yet what it was at this point, but I figured launder A brand needs content, got to be some kind of modeling opportunity. And then they replied and they were like, yes, we'd love to have you. Congratulations on the casting, and it was a world's largest online catwalk show they called it, so they had over a thousand people apply for it, so I was super lucky

to get it. And then they sent out lunder A pieces to I think two hundred women to submit videos and it was my first countwook casting and it's so weird because it in isolation. You know, I've never walked on a real catwalk, but I got my first casting from isolation, so that was pretty cool, and it was like a reminder that, like I can, I guess all have little, you know, achievements while I'm in my house.

I was really happy with it. I had to stay out because it came out there in the London, so it came out at like one am here, but I was super happy with how it tender. And it was also another one of those things we're told about where I'm self conscious about something, I'll just like go all out. So I've never actually shown like the backside of my amputation before because this is like a kind of weird thing. To show us would be like posting an our shop

if I did, and i'dn't have done that before. So and the next minute, I'm doing the world lie just on my fashion show and lingerie and I'm walking away from the camera. So and it was nowhere near as bad as I expected it to look in my head for my entire life. So through that experience, it was also like, ah, doesn't even look that bad. Twenty years later, I've realized that is that crazy.

on that were very well received. You know, everyone's or for diversity and stuff like that now, and I feel like the people that already follow Blue Bella were already a part of that, because they're already quite a diverse brand, and that one of those brands that you know, they don't post a photo of a model that doesn't you know, the Victoria's Secret standard, and then post it with a big disclaimer about, oh, this is why we're posting a

photo of a model who's not a size zero. You know how like some brands every time they showcased diversity, they have to come with a big show and tell about, oh, this is why we're doing it. It's like, not, didn't do it exactly. We don't need to have a disclaimer about why you have diverse models.

You know, it doesn't matter what I do, people are going to crowd around and stare even if I'm just getting groceries, so and as well, just do what I want to do and ignore you know what the bikestanders are saying, Yeah, let.