Patti: You don’t need to be perfect to be lovable

I'm like, oh my God. What the one time we do anything? You know. One time, yeah. How disappointing. Like everybody else was like, Oh, we're so excited, we want to get together. And now we're like, Okay, we'll do this outdoor thing and now we're like cautiously, right. Right. So I don't know, you know.

Through the working out of our relationship, we've navigated the ups and downs of so many things that have happened in her life. So Patty and I at this stage in our therapy are doing what I might call maintenance work. What you're about to hear is Patty and I explore her inner conflict. As there's been this incident that's happened around the COVID exposure, she's had an emotional reaction and we're making a little space to figure out what feels so complicated inside of her.

Oh so this is you started by saying that there's it's hard when there are these things that pop up that take a lot of energy from you when your plate is already so full as you're saying that. Yeah, can you put words to that? I feel a little bit guilty'cause I'm like Yeah. I feel a little bit like on the one hand it's good it's a good sign. My I my body's telling me you can only take some And then this perfectionist part of me probably is like

Undo it All right. Should be able to or something. I don't know. Oh, so the perfectionism.

It's like a maybe like a squeaky, a squeaky voice, like it's new and you're learning to use it and you're learning to sense it and saying like this feels like it's too much and I don't want to do it. And yet I can see why that voice might have had a hard time emerging over time if the perfectionist came in. And made you feel guilty about having a boundary or a limit. Tell me about what it feels like to have the perfectionist around. I mean on the one hand I know that it helps.

That I do good things. that I can do some some good work. And then on the other hand I'm like It feels exhausting. And I was gonna say something. Right like understands how hard it is for media or whatever. Or like how do people just so easily be like Can't do that or like just have different expectations for myself or for the thing I'm doing. So I'm hearing you've mentioned it's exhausting and then

I mean I think you said something really important. Like nobody understands how hard it is for me and you you laughed it off like Like you you aren't allowed to say that or maybe you know better or something like that. But I'm wondering how it like how it would be to actually say the thing that's underneath that. Yeah, that I I mean I'm just carrying so much. Yeah. Right. And that I think both my own expectations and other people's because of who I am and just patterns means that

That other like it's kind of that that is sort of established, right? And so yeah, it's hard to It's hard to set boundaries both for myself and when I'm trying to communicate to other people that like I've got I I can't do it all. Do you have a sense of

How old the perfectionist is? Like when she showed up. Yeah, that's a hard question. But I would say probably somewhere within elementary school that then knowing that I could do that people had high expectations that I wanted to do a good job was important to me pretty early on. How did you know it was important to you? What did it feel like when you could have that experience?

Yeah, I mean it's this sort of paradox in the sense of it was a way that I could be s seen even though it was a a little bit of a sore. in terms of my family context, right? Like

it comes with this sense of feeling like a failure, not just in behavior, but as a person. There are lots of different ways of understanding how perfectionism originates, but one of the ones that I've been thinking about and working with lately is this idea that perfectionism is a a trauma response in a way.

It's a a way to to earn love when perhaps we didn't have that love deeply internalized inside of us because it feels so good to get the affection and affirmation from other people and even from ourselves. When we do things that are right or ideal. The problem, this pursuit of perfectionism gets in the way of our ability to live and to see what is already beautiful and good about us.

You know, it's actually what I what came to my mind just now was the summer going into grade Twelve, I I have Graves disease which was a hypothyroid um issue. And so it sort of like went off the deep end and

And that was, that's not okay. You know, instead of you need to, let me come alongside you. Let's figure this out together. You know, what how can I help you? And so that's a point actually. Do you have a sense if we were to talk to your grade twelve grade twelve self, what she would say about what it's like for her to have heard that? To have heard first the like what's wrong with you? Yeah, I think

Felt a lot of shame. Yeah, couldn't articulate it in a way that actually elicited support or help or so very helpless. There's that stuckness of the perfectionism around that time. I can imagine the helplessness and the shame was remedied by okay. Tighten everything up, be perfect. Right. Show up. Like I can really see how the perfectionism came in again. Right. Yeah. Because once everything's

normalized and the like medical stuff was all under control, then I I could I could manage more. I could go back to regular scheduled programming of oh we could do this on our own and like you know what I mean? Yeah. Yeah. And that time of needing more help, needing more support didn't go well if we were to need like measure that success of Yeah. Trying that on for some.

Your experience of being human is wide enough to include all of your pain and all of the not knowing And the figuring out what's happening in your body and your brilliance and your intellect and your caring, and it all gets to exist inside of you. I'm seeing your tears. That would have felt really good at the time. I'm wondering if these are the tiers of the grade twelve you or the adult you. Uh when you when you use the word

You know, to to call me honey was really it felt really good. And I think that spoke to younger me for sure. Yeah. Younger you has lots of tears that need to be cried. I'm wondering what else she longs to hear. Hmm. That things being messy doesn't mean that she is not amazing. Right? Right. How would it be to offer that to her? Oh, and I'm seeing your tears come up again here. Let's just leave lots of room for those tears. Oh, okay.

And then I also was like, but then why why was that so hard? Why you were always deserving of the care that you offer other people. That has always been exactly the Exactly for you. You you looked away at one moment as I was talking and it made me wonder if it felt like a bit much or like yeah. Yeah. Yes, you have a hard time hearing and uh accepting we will need to still work on this. I I it made me think I

of one of our conversations from the podcast. And you said this thing, I guess like three years ago now or something like that. It's like. No. You're worth e even if you were, you know, n nothing had been packed for the beach and you were lying on the floor rolling around or some kind some kind of like comment. Even if you were like lying on the floor sprawled out. You know, nothing done that you still jump just as well.

And I'm like, hmm, you know what I mean? Like I still have this. Yeah. Oh, I'm not sure. Like, yeah. I'm not sure. And I'm not sure my yeah, the people in my life also. would articulate. Like there would be some nuance. Yeah, like you're not sure if it could be that your worth could be that unconditional. Like surely there has to be some conditions on it. Okay. So let's Hm. I'm wondering if there's a part inside of you

Really longs to hear just how valuable you are. It has been waiting. Maybe it's grade 12, you. The I'm really wanting to know that I'm good enough part. If she could just come to the front and If she could take in what's happening between us right now. Maybe letting the part of you that isn't quite sure, skeptical, kind of letting that take take a break for a moment. Is that like inside? Like almost dysregulated in this like giddy kind of oh

Like, oh my god. And like, oh my god, what like I'm being seen or like I'm getting it. I'm like, she likes me. I'm like, oh okay, or like not just like oh my god, she likes me, but like Oh you know, like even just using Using the term honey, I kind of got this like energy in my. Oh my god, that feels good. Oh, like you're getting you're getting something you've been longing for that just in this moment, like it's really going in. Right, right. I'm probably letting letting my little

longing to be delighted in. Right? It's the part inside of all of us that we have that would that would, you know, take the drawing to mom and say, Mom, look, look at this drawing that I made. Can we put this on the fridge? This sense of knowing that we are Wonderful and wanting someone to confirm that as they recognize our delightfulness in us. And so we're all on this journey of learning how to see ourselves as we are and learning how to take in the good and true things about us.

But when we're doing that we don't just jam it down our throats. I had a supervisor of mine say recently, it's kind of like feeding a baby in a way. You give them a little bit and you see how it lands and you see them chew it and how it swirls around their mouth and if they can ingest it and if they like it and if they're ready for more. You don't hook them up to a fire hose. So Patty and I have built up to this kind of work together.

And it's a long way away from where we used to be, but still I'm wanting to make sure: is this too much for you, or do you want more?

These are such good things to say. Cause like you we've been talking about today, we never want to have to guess about those things. So like I about taking in your affection. It just is like, mm, mmm. Yeah. Good to be. Yep. There it is.

So I feel a sense of pride in the ability to say, this is what can happen when people do this kind of work. And maybe in a way offer hope to other people that that this could be available to you too.