Ordinarily speaking, I was a professional athlete living their dream, but behind the scenes there was so much more going on and so many struggles that I was facing.
Soon time, Hello and welcome to ordinarily speaking. My guest today is a netball superstar, Natalie Medhurst Natalie CV is beyond impressive. In seventeen years as a professional netballer, she has represented Australia eighty six times, winning three World Championships
as well as Commonwealth gold. On the domestic front, Nat has played two hundred and thirty five matches, third on the all time list behind Cathcox and Bianca Chatfield, and she was the comp's MVP when her Queensland Firebirds won the twenty year an A and Z Championship. Whilst achieving all these highs on the court of it, she was often struggling. For the first time. Nat reveals just how bad things got and it is confronting. If this triggers things for you, please.
Ask for help.
Beyond Blue or Lifeline are just a couple of places you can go. At thirty six years of age, Natalie's professional career has been put on hold for good reason, but she hasn't ruled out a return. We caught up just before coronavirus restrictions were put in place here in Australia. I hope you enjoy the chat again.
Well, Nat, thanks so much for joining me, Thanks for having me. It's certainly different circumstances with everything that's going on, but good to escape that for a little while.
Yeah, it's a strange world at the moment, and things are advancing pretty quickly and changing pretty quickly. But I want to say congratulations because you're having a baby.
I am, yes, very very excited. So to be honest, it actually happened a bit quicker than what we were expecting, so it's been a lot to digest. But yeah, couldn't be more excited And can't wait. I actually thought it was going to come along pretty quickly, but now that there's no sport happening, these next few months might go pretty slow. But yeah, can't wait.
What did it mean to you after such a long professional career to become pregnant. I know you're still playing, but what did it mean?
Obviously a massive shift in life, and I guess I was preparing for another season, which I also thought was going to be my last. This would have been my seventeenth season had I played, and I guess who knows at the moment whether or not I may potentially get to get to play some of twenty twenty, pending what
happens with the netball season. But obviously as well, I know sometimes we hate it as athletes, but your identity is whether we like it or not, so attached to that part of our life and playing sporting and being a professional athlete, and I guess not having that as well, there's certainly been moments, and I think since announcing it as well, and despite still being around the club but not training and doing those sorts of things, feeling really lost.
But obviously as well, there's no probably better reason to stop playing, and particularly because I had to go through fertility treatment to be able to fall pregnant. Obviously knew that it was a high chance that I wouldn't have played this season, but still when that reality hits and you sort of go, oh, geez, I'm actually not going to be playing anymore, and what does that mean and the future after as well, Yeah, I guess you do.
You feel a sense of loss that part of your life that you've had for so long not being there, And I do I've rocked up. There's been so many times in the past where I've up this season since announcing it, and I don't know where to go. I'm like, because I'm not a coach, I'm not a player, and you sort of just literally sit in limbo. And I said to someone, it's kind of amazing you spend so long in the game. And it was also as well
from how quickly it changed. You know, a month or so prior I was playing and training and I was a team member, and then now you sort of know where and you become obsolete and somewhat irrelevant really really quickly. Yeah, it's been a lot to digest, but it is being a mum and obviously been able to have Samuel there next to me to go through it all. He's been amazing. Yeah, and I can't wait.
It's a common theme in this podcast. I know a lot of people with their jobs, they feel like they're defined by their jobs or that a lot of it is wrapped up at it. But particularly in sport, I think because it's such a public job and you put so much passion and hard into it, has that been a consistent thing for you in worrying about how much of you is wrapped up in what you do for a living.
Yeah. Absolutely, And I think as well because I guess heading into this season twenty twenty, I always thought it would have probably been my last year as well, and I guess I was always trying to put things in place for life after, and now there are so many unknowns because I haven't had I guess that phase of transition. I haven't transitioned into a job. I'm still contracted, but
I'm not really doing anything. And so do you realize how much of what you've been doing and who you are is ingrained in you know, that day to day life as an athlete, and you know, I always you feel like you've got so much more than that, and that there's a lot more to you. But it's really then hard to sit back and go But what is that? That's sort of the question. You go, Well, what's next?
I don't know them, particularly in the current climate with when you do have people losing their jobs and probably not the greatest place to be looking for a job. In my situation as well, I have no idea what's next after netball, which is obviously quite daunting and quite scary, and I guess, yeah, you just sort of have to sit back in some way, ride the wave of whatever it is, and be prepared for what may or may
not come next. But yet you certainly do realize how much who you are as a person, and I guess as well, probably how other people see you is so much about sport and what you do as an athlete.
Let's rewind, shall we. You've had some struggles across the course of your career with your mental health and challenging times at the top level of an elite sport for so many years. How did you get through those times?
I guess probably the first thing. I struggled with mental health for probably a few years before I actually I guess I know people say it's a breakdown, breakthrough, whichever
way you want to look at it. Before I sort of had that moment of being able to speak to someone, and that for me was obviously a huge time in my life in terms of being able to start dealing with things that I had been struggling with for so long and something that a lot of people, probably pretty much everyone had no idea at the time that I was struggling with, and it's made me realize how important having a support network around you is and and being
able to be okay being vulnerable. I think the biggest thing is as athletes were always sort of told you have to leave your shit at the door, and you get on with business and you put on this face and you always have this team approach first, and you know, nothing ever bothers you, and we're always so resilient and that sort of thing. But it's actually okay to not be okay because whether we like it or not, we're the same as every other person out there. We have struggles,
we handle things differently. You get upset, you get angry, you're happy, and it's actually okay to show those emotions. And I think that's certainly something that I've learned over my time to be okay with things and to also find out what I've needed as an individual in order to be able to cope. But yeah, having the right people around you and people who you can trust and go to and talk has been a huge thing I've learned.
When did you first realize or when did you first start feeling like something wasn't quite right within yourself?
I think probably the first time that I actually really noticed it was around sort of ended to twelve, twenty thirteen, and it had though I'd been struggling with things for about two years prior to that. It all started when I had left the Adelaide Thunderbirds. On the back of leaving that and the things that had happened there, and so just.
The departure from the club is what the.
Departure from the club, and it probably it stemmed from things that happened during the year with the coach of the Thunderbirds at the time and things that happened, and I guess how my life was made to be quite miserable, and it was a really horrible time in the way in which that I was guests, forced to leave the club and then moved across to Queensland, and I just didn't handle things very well. I struggled a lot, obviously with my own self worth, who I was, who I
didn't didn't trust. I felt incredibly vulnerable at that time as well the relationship I was in my ex husband. He stayed in Adelaide and I moved up to Queensland on my own, and whilst that was a decision that we had made, it was also incredibly lonely and isolating and I probably struggled then with a lot of things over a couple of years, but as I said, it probably took me about three years before I actually then had a moment where I realized how bad I was
and that I actually did need help for me. It got to the point as well, which a lot of people have no idea. I don't even think my family know. But during that time as well, particularly towards the back end before I spoke to someone, I was also having thoughts where I thought it was a lot better if I wasn't here, and not that I acted on anything, but that was obviously pretty scared. I didn't think highly of myself at all, probably didn't have a lot of nice things to say or to think. And it was
in the diamonds environment. We just got a wellbeing manager in Angie Bain. He'd come into the environment and I remember it was I think my first catch up with her where I just completely broke down and just everything just spilled out in terms of how I was feeling, what was going on, and that I said, yeah, that I needed help because I didn't want to keep feeling the way that I was.
That's a big thing to think about yourself how did it get to that point? Do you think?
I actually don't know. It was probably compounded a lot of just holding it all in and not talking about it, and it was sometimes magnified by things that people would say. And I know during that time, and I completely put my hand up, and obviously for me, it was probably a way I dealt with it. I would push people away. Obviously people didn't know what was going on, so their opinion of me probably wasn't that great at times. And I just yeah, that I had never thought really anything
great about myself. And it's amazing the internal dialogue, what you can actually think of yourself. It's quite scary. And yeah, it just as I said, it just got to that point where I just thought that it was that much. It would have been better if I wasn't around and
people wouldn't have really cared my relationship. Sometimes some of the things that were said on his behalf compounded that as well, those thoughts that I think just almost reinstated to me that what I believed was actually true, because you know, someone else might say something and yeah, then just I think really put me in a quite a vulnerable position.
How do you feel now when you think back to that and how you felt.
I remember I got to the point where I didn't recognize myself at all during that time. I'd become a very very different person, and I obviously don't like it. And as I said, I know that I probably damage relationships as a part of that, and that included with my own family and friends and teammates and that sort
of thing as well. But I think the sad thing is to think that it took so long, and I know I'm one of gosh knows how many people in the world that deal with this that you hold on to it for so long before you actually start talking to someone, or some people don't ever do that, And it made me, I think, have a lot of empathy for people. It certainly changed my perception of how quickly we can judge people when we have that absolutely no idea what's going on in their lives or what they're
dealing with. And it didn't It also made me not want other athletes to have to go through the same thing. So I've certainly had a lot more interesting around well being because yeah, for me, I just I sit back and you go, it's crap that you've got people like that. That are struggling with these sorts of things, and you're in an environment day in day out, around the same people and they have no idea what's going on or how vulnerable someone is or or what they're dealing with.
And yeah, I think it's actually it probably scares me more than anything.
Because at this point in time, you're playing for Australia, you're playing like you are at the top, you know, level of never in this country and in the world as well. Did you teammates have any idea?
No, they had no idea. I remember a few years after i'd started seeing someone, and it was in the back of my Diamond's career, and I was actually talking to one of the girls who i'd played with at the Firebirds and which is when I was probably in the peak of my problems, and was telling her around what was going on or what had happened and where
I was at. And she actually got quite emotional when I told her about it, and she said she had absolutely no idea and probably yeah, and she said we just thought that, you know, you went the nicest of people, and which I completely get. And I remember as well, when I was at the AIS and at this particular camp, and I'd met Angie and I told her that I needed help, and I think it may have actually been
a selection camp as well. And we then went to sit down with Lisa Alexander, the head coach of the Diamonds at the time, and to tell her what was going on, and her first comments were, well, do you think that you should be playing? Do you think you should be coming on this tour? And that scared me, and I remember straight away I almost went into panic mode around that, because it was the one thing I
knew how to do and to think. I think that's why a lot of people, particularly athletes, don't speak out, because you think that you know, others will think you can't perform and that you shouldn't be doing this, and that you're, I guess somewhat a liability to the team and the other players within it and coaches and that
sort of thing. And I just remember saying to her that, actually, no, this is where I want to be, and this is where playing was actually the place where I could switch everything off, and despite there being you know, tens of thousands of people watching, I almost felt like I was somewhat alone. As weird as that might sound and I could just get on with business and not be thinking
about all the other stuff. And it was really good as well to have the support of Angie and saying, no, she can still perform and you know she's good and we're putting things in place. So having that support from her as well was very crucial.
So during this time, you're obviously having really negative thoughts physically, though, you were trying to take back control in I guess unhealthy ways. Is that fair to say?
Yeah? Absolutely, I think because I couldn't, I guess, control a lot of the other things that were going on or people, or I felt like I had absolutely no control over the thoughts in my head either that, I guess, food became the one thing that I could control. And I certainly got very very lean during that time. I wouldn't have said that I was anorexic, but I probably
wasn't far off it. Yeah, I certainly had a very disordered way of eating and controlling my food intake and the amount of exerc I was doing and those sorts of things. Yes, certainly I grabbed a hold of him. Yeah, pretty much. And I was certainly not healthy from that regard at all, which I think was very evident from everyone, and I know that there were comments about that at the time, and certainly being in that environment, it was, I guess, a way to help me cope. It gave
me control over something, and it just happened to be. Yeah, food and exercise.
How long did that last for?
It probably would have lasted for maybe about two years. I'd say. I sort of look back now and I think of, you know, what I was consuming during a day, and the amount of training and that sort of thing. How I wasn't worse. I was incredibly lean. I remember hiding. I was never balamic, I was never throwing anything up, but it was very very controlled in what I was eating. And yeah, I just I sort of sit, Can you go, how on earth did I perform day in day out?
I was a starting player. Twenty eleven was a World Cup year. I went through that, which in that whole year was really intense. And yeah, I think, looking back now, you just it's I could never have performed under those conditions. I think it just it's scary to think what athletes can do, how hard they can push themselves.
You started to say you were hiding, were hiding food? Is that what you were going to say.
Yeah, yeah, sorry, I was. Yeah, I was hiding food, so in terms of exactly what I was eating, so.
Instead of consuming it, you would hide it so other people didn't know that you didn't consume it. Is that what you sort of yeah?
Yeah, yeah, Or I'd tell people that I had eaten. Yeah, and what i'd serve up, say at home to my partner and compared to what I would eat and in like a deep bowl or something that he so he didn't know exactly what was in there. Yeah, it was pretty messed up.
Do you know how much food you were having a day?
Oh gosh, not much. I don't know exactly what, but yeah, it certainly wasn't a lot. I was very I was very strict on on everything, like there would literally be like no carbs. Even though there was a period for a while a where I've been pescatarian. It's only been the last probably a year, which isn't a problem, which is probably only been the last year or two that
I've actually started eating meat again. But yeah, I'd never wouldn't eat any meat raw food, So I was only just basically eating like fruit and salads all the time for my meals and that was basically it. How many not much of it?
How many people knew that you were doing that.
I'm sure people may have known, but it probably wasn't ever actually spoken about out and I guess it's all And to be honest, it's quite amazing how you can, if you're somewhat well, if you're performing okay, you can kind of get away with it. It's it's weird, and it was obviously I think maybe it's females as well.
Obviously females in general, we probably you're quite body conscious and worried about our body image and those sorts of things at the best of times, let alone, then being in a sporting environment where you easily compare yourself to other players, you're getting the lovely skinfold tests, and at that point we were getting them quite frequently as well,
every couple of weeks. You're you know, you're chasing numbers, you don't actually really understand what they all mean, and then you're throwing you know, some mental health issues as well. It's a pretty ugly combination, but it almost somewhat at the end of the day, I was performing, and performance still probably counts for more than anything else.
And I guess that's within an organization, but also publicly, isn't it. That's one of the big misconceptions of sports. Stars have everything. You know, they've got this perfect life from the outside looking in. But it's not the case.
Yeah, it's not at all. And you know, I think, as I was saying before, that's the thing where it's hard as well, because we create an environment in sporting teams and clubs where it is and I've heard the phrase. I've heard it even during this year. It's like you leave your shit at the door, so you're not meant to talk about anything. You're not meant to rock up to training and be having a bad day, you know, Heaven forbid, because it'll impact someone else and people don't
want to know about it. And whereas I'm like, well, god, it's actually it's okay to not be doing okay, and you need people to talk about and to talk to.
And you know, I know, even in netball now, a big push from the players has been around the well being space because except for in the Diamonds environment, and I know Angie when her time there, which was only up until very recently, was over time because then players finally had someone to speak to in that environment, but it's still somewhat seen as a tick of a box, that sort of person, and there is there's so much stuff that players deal with. We're so highly critical of
ourselves from a performance perspective, We're constantly chasing perfection. You're never ever happy. I think, as I've said to people, failure is inevitable, particularly as an athlete, because you're either not pleased yourself or someone else isn't pleased with you, even if that's the coach. And yeah, you need to be able to talk and be okay, to be vulnerable and understand that there's more to than just performance that is going on in people's lives.
Do you know what weight you down to?
Umm?
I would have been. I think my loss was about fifty seven or fifty eight kilos.
And my lowest And what's your playing weight for me?
I'm to be honest, I'm probably still quite light compared to others. Um, but my normal playing weights probably about sixty five.
It's a big difference. How do you feel about that number now?
Oh, it's ridiculous. Um, yeah, I look back at it. At the time, I had no idea. I thought you'd look at the scale and every time it would sort of go down, you sort of dare I say it? Someone felt good about it? Um, And yeah, it does. It becomes almost a sense of achievement that that's where
you're at. And as I said, you don't really understand what you're doing, and dare I say it my as well as just probably training And there's girls who have been f who face these issues anyway, but my fertility issues are probably also on the back of that as well, So you just don't realize the implications that it's having on you. And sadly there's been other athletes like that as well. But yeah, when I look back at it now, it was just, yeah, it was this is quite sad.
When I hear talk about it, I just want to I want to give that girl a hug, Like I just want, you know, I want to just say it's like it's going to be okay. How do you feel when you do? You know what I mean? Like, if you could have a conversation with that girl, what are we talking like eight years ago? What would you say?
Yeah? To be honest, I don't even know. I was literally like I was a broken person at that point. I would have told her to speak to someone a lot earlier, to look after herself, and yeah, to just not damage herself. And I think to give her reinforcement that she was good enough and she didn't need to be pleasing other people, or the things that had happened weren't gonna then define the person that she became or
what people thought of her. Because, as I said, the stuff that what happened in Adelaide, it was was tough. It made me question a lot, It made me not trust people, push people away. Yeah, really, I think destroyed me as a person, obviously, And yeah, I did. I became as I got to the point where I didn't recognize myself anymore. I didn't know who who I'd become, and I'd alienated a lot of people, and yeah, it
was well, obviously it wasn't a fun time. And even when I started saying help it, I was still somewhat quite ashamed of that to a degree, or felt like I needed to hide it. I was traveling down to the Gold Coast. I lived in Brisbane, and I was traveling down to the Gold Coast for you know, maybe a month, a couple of months every week to go see a psych down there who I'd been referred on to, and I never told anyone about it. The club didn't know,
my ex husband didn't know, none of my family knew. Yeah, so that was a two hour road trip just in the car, plus however long the session went for before I actually then told someone, and I was worried as well about the lot of the judgment that would come with that.
You're listening to. Ordinarily, speaking with Natalie Medhurst the Sight sessions, I often talk about the fact that I feel like when you first start going it it's almost it's almost gets worse before it gets better. Was that was that what you experienced?
Yeah, I remember leaving those sessions feeling absolutely drained. I remember that even in my first chat from Angie at AIS and talking to her, I was absolutely exhausted because I was just an emotional mess and it had been a build up of I know what two three years of everything and it is it's exhausting, and I remember just sort of trying to get home and like I almost had to take a bit of a breathe before I could get in the car and then drive the hour the hour back. So, yeah, it was you'd go,
you'd have. You'd go through ebbs and flows, like some sessions you sort of sit there and you go, did I really get anything out of that? Was it really worth it? And but then you'd come back the next week and you'd discuss what had happened the week prior, and you'd just be an emotional an emotional wreck. And it was something as well. I remember probably the best advice from Angie had said was keep doing it even
when you think that you're doing okay. I think that's the dangerous thing you fall into, is you think you're doing okay, so you can let it go. Where it was, it was that constant check in, even if it wasn't it wasn't every week that it was still every few
weeks or once every month, just still going in. And after my time with the Psyching Brisbane or down on the Gold Coast and I then relocated to Perth, I was then put onto someone in Perth, and I don't think too many people at the club they knew that that was going on either. And then that was something that continued for a couple of years, my first couple of years in Perth as well.
Did it take a long time to start recovering.
Yeah, it did. It was. It was long process because it's hard to the things that you think of yourself for the brain. Yeah, and it's still it's very easy to slip back into those trains of thoughts or those patterns. And the biggest thing was probably trying to find the triggers, what it was that would cause that, and how to be able to control it. And that's something that you
had to keep more, had to keep working at. And then you know, when you throw in a move as well, they say that's one of the biggest stresses that you can face, along with a few other things, and so you throw that in and so then it was dealing with that as well in different environment and then different people and different things that were happening as well. So yeah, it was, it was. It was a long process. I probably saw a psych in total for probably about three years. Yeah,
and it was different timing as well. It obviously started quite intense at the art but yeah, and then sort of sort of tape it off a bit, but it was yet quite consistent.
What was it that led to the end of Adelaide?
I was the coach when it came to contracting period. I was then told that I was in a priority player for the club. And I guess I never ever thought that I would leave Adelaide. That was my home, that's where my family was, that's where I grew up. I always, yeah, I thought that that's where i'd be and play. And it was really really tough because no one else knew what was None of the other players
knew what was going on. I think if you spoke to my dad, he'd probably have some very choice words to say he knew a bit about what was going on. And yeah, and I think the other thing is, well, you have to deal with the a lot from spectators and supporters on the back of that. You know, you get called a lot of things, and it's like you actually have no idea what's going on. It's not my choice, or sometimes even if it is your choice, the reasons
aren't what you think. It's no different to anyone else leaving a job, but particularly in this case, Yeah, it was under circumstances, and yeah, I guess it's set off a yeah, a wave of all sorts of behaviors and thoughts that that, yeah, were quite damaging to me.
You end up getting divorced as well. What was that as an experience to go through.
This might sound probably not what you're expected, but someways good. It's quite interesting, because I mean everyone's situation is different. But I remember people saying, oh, I'm really sorry, and I'm like, no, that's a good thing, because it's the
right thing. And for us, we've been together since we were seventeen, so we've been together for a long time, and we just completely changed across that time and people, and I think we'd just basically become mates, and like there'd obviously been a lot of times and things that we both did wrong across that time as well. Our divorce was incredibly amicable. We went through everything ourselves, so it was actually really in some ways quite nice and because it was the right thing. But it's not to
say it wasn't easy. It was incredibly hard as well, because then this person that you'd had there for so long was no longer there. I remember when I first moved out and I was staying at a new house and at that point I was renting a townhouse and I didn't have any furniture or anything. I remember sitting on the steps of my place eating dinner because I had nowhere else to sit. So I was literally sitting in a stairwell on my own with my dinner and I had. I was lucky, I had a lot of
good people around me. But it was also incredibly hard. It was the start of the season. I hadn't told my teammates for a while either until after round one around what was going on. And yeah, it was still a lot to cope with. I still certainly struggled at times through that as well. Just I guess finding this new identity who I was. Yeah, I guess what my life looked like like I was going. I was in
my mid thirties, I was now divorced. Yeah, and as I said, you rock up to netball, you're not meant to have a bad day, So you just have to get on with business. And then by the end of the season, I was probably in a similar place, not as bad, but yeah, I was absolutely exhausted. I was struggling a lot. I needed to take some time off away from netball. I wasn't sleeping. I got put on some sleeping I mean not that I've ever slept, but
I got put on some sleeping medication. The doctor put me on some antidepressants, which as well, was the first time I'd ever been on anything like that, even back in when I was back in Brisbane. Yeah, just sort of to help with everything that I was coping with and what was going on.
Was there a moment when you knew you were through the other the other side? Is there a moment that you can remember where you're like, I've done it, or you're proud of yourself.
For you properly, to be honest, Probably only recently, I think that whole. If you know, the last sort of two years, there's been a lot that's happened, a lot that happened sort of pretty much one year or eighteen months I was I went through a divorce. I then got dumped by the Aussies Ossie team that same year, so my two constants that i'd had for the last ten years were now gone. What was that like, the dumping from the Aussies. Yeah, it wasn't fun. I didn't
see it coming at all. I had no idea. I was called up on a Sunday morning driving and I was Lisa Alexander, the head coach, and I'm not too sure if she was reading off something, but it was pretty much sort of one whole sentence going, got some not good news. You've been dropped from the Diamond squad, which means you're ineligible for Commonwealth Games selection, and you might want to consider announcing your retirement from international netball. And I remember just going what was the start of
all that? It was? It was actually quite surreal. It's like you're going to have those moments where it's a bit out of body and you're sort of looking down going is this actually happening? Is this conversation real? Um? And then yeah, it was really it was really quite hard dealing with all that because I said, I just
did not see that coming at all. And obviously to get a phone call to say, well, your international career of ten years is now basically done and dusted, and to be sitting in a car to get that information was was pretty hard and quite brutal. M Yeah, and I just I just could not believe it.
To be honest, who was the first person you called?
Believe it or not? The first person I called was my ex and I actually wasn't far from where he was and just sent him a message going this. I actually sent him a message to say that this is what's happening. I remember messaging my family and asking them not to call me, though, and I'd call them because I also felt this is I can't believe that this is the thought, but I did. I felt like I'd let them down, and I didn't want to face having to talk to them and answer the answer questions that
I didn't really have answers to. And yeah, that was a big one. That was why I said I don't, I don't want you to call me, because yeah, I just didn't want to have to feel face them in any way, shape or form, whether it was face to face over the phone. Yeah, because I'd felt like i'd somewhat disappointed them.
It's such a I'm nodding. A lot of people can't see it because it's a podcast, but I'm nodding along because it's such a common theme that once again the athletes feel that way that they've let you know, whether it's the country down or their family down, or you know, there's so much more that goes into these moments. How did you get your head around what had just happened?
Actually, I it took me a while. As I said, I didn't see it coming. So I got a phone call that was on a Sunday, and it was the Monday week, so for eight days later that we were actually scheduled to be getting a phone call based to inform myself our selection. So it was almost somewhat like of a complete blindside. Yeah, I just I just had absolutely no idea. I didn't know who really, I didn't really know who to talk to, what to say because
players weren't being informed for another seven eight days. I was somewhat then forced to keep it secret because it was God Heaven's forbid it should get leaked.
It's isolating feeling that.
Yeah, it was really really tough, and I remember so that phone call was then on the Sunday. The Netble Australia Awards dinner was on the Saturday in Melbourne, which I flew over to, and I was of the impression that no one knew I'd been told I had to keep it quiet, and so I've rocked up, going okay, I've got to put on a good face and mingle
with the players. And then as the night unfolded, and particularly as it got laid through the night, there were some things that people, some of the players said and it just sort of tweaked something and I was like, do you know? And so the players, some of the players had actually been informed, but I didn't know that
they knew. So I then felt like I was making a bit of a fool of myself trying to do that in front of my peers, trying to do the right thing, yet they'd been made aware of it, and then that was really hard to then go okay, because they are I don't know what they were thinking as well, and it probably put them in an awkward position as well. Yeah, so it was a lot to sort of, I guess, particularly that week or so, to really then kind of
deal with. And I felt, I guess it had just been not well handled and a bit unfair to me to put me then in that position, as I said, with some of the girls, who I would have probably liked to have then told myself, had I been given the opportunity because of my relationship and friendship with them, But in fact they had already known, and they felt
as well. They had known for a few days. And I remember talking to one of the girls and they said, we didn't know whether or not we could call you because we were told you didn't want to speak to anyone. I said, I didn't know that you girls knew otherwise, Yeah, I would have actually loved to have spoken to you, and so yeah, I put both of us, Yeah, in a pretty pretty ordinary position.
When you reflect on your it's still going obviously, but when you reflect on your career and your international career and the departures and all those sorts of things, how do you feel about it all? And can you separate the love of the game from what has happened?
Yeah, I can. I think I took a lot out of leaving, of what happened in Adelaide, and even on the back of leaving Perth, and even when I left Queensland, I loved playing in Brisbane, and even though that was when I was struggling through everything, I really really loved my netball there and the coach Rose Jenkie was phenomenal.
And even though I wasn't expecting to leave Perth, I learned from Adelaide about trying to do everything to leave on the best terms, because it helps you move on and get on with the next phase, whatever it is that it looks like. So I've all ways, I think tried to leave relationships in the best way that I that I can. At least from my end.
I guess once a decision is made, the only thing you can control is.
Your reaction to it. Yeah, and sometimes you do. You have to. It hurts, Don't get me wrong, it does. And I think they in those I would hope that sometimes other parties would look at how they handled things and maybe you want to do things differently.
But have you had any of those reconcilia making up words now and have you had any of those conversations where you sought a bit of reconciliation with people?
Yeah? When I particularly when I left, when I left Perth, I made sure that I had conversations with people and catch ups. And I still continue to check in every now and again with you know, Stacy Marinkovic, she is now the head coach of West Coast Fever. I sat down and had a really good conversation with her before I left. I've still checked in with her during the season when she had her baby. You know, say congratulations. And there's no real resentment that I have from everyone.
You know, I understand that it is a business, and as I said, I would hope though they would do things maybe a little bit differently if it was another athlete in the future, and I guess I've only got control over what I do now, and I'm incredibly lucky to have Samuel in my life. And I think that's sort of back to your other question around you know
how I feel now. It's been probably the last sort of twelve eighteen months where I feel really happy and content with everything and feel like I have made it through. And he's been a massive, massive part of that. He gets it, he understands what it's like, and he's been really good for me in terms of that support and that advice that he's given and has been absolute rock through through everything. And as I said, at the end
of the day, I can control what I can. It's easy to read in a lot of I guess I say the noise from other people who don't really understand what's going on. But I guess as long as I'm happy, I'm keeping true to my values and who I am, then I guess that's all that I can really do and continue to strive to achieve.
And you talk about Samuel, of course, that's Sam Butler who used to play for the West Coast Eagles. So when you say he gets it, he really does get what it's like to be a professional athlete under pressure.
Yeah, he does. And he's been through you know, his stuff as well. He I think he was probably the most injured player ever in AFL. I think he said it's he was the seventh longest to reach one hundred and fifty games and that was because everyone before him went to war or he's got some horrible stat like that against his name. And yeah, and he's obviously had a lot of things in his personal life as well
that he's gone through, but he does. He gets all of it quite switched on for a footy player, God bless him. It's quite intelligent. But yeah, he's he's just I think been amazing. I actually couldn't have asked for a better person to be going through everything with. And yeah, as I said, he does, he really does gets it. But he'll also have his opinion and it's pretty well
thought through. If I need to some feedback that he gives, oh, just in terms of sometimes if I am thinking things or how a different way or approach of going about it that I maybe haven't thought of. He'll never give me advice on netble, which has been which has been great. He's proud of me no matter how I perform, and
I think probably he understands what it's like. Sometimes you even have the people close to you who I said, you feel like you let them down or they give you that sort of impression, or they'll have an opinion about what you should have done, what you shouldn't have done. And I never ever get that from him. And it's nice to sort of come home and not have to
talk about sport or what's going on. He has no idea what's going on in footy, so he has less of an idea in Nepal, and yeah, it's actually really nice.
Do you feel content when you reflect on your career?
Yeah, I really do. I've as said, there's things that I certainly look back and think I could have handled a lot better, and I hope that I've probably if I've been in a similar situation, tried to deal with it differently. But I've had a phenomenal career. It's something I never ever dreamed of. Playing netball for my country wasn't something as a young kid that I dreamt of because I never thought it was something you could do
because we weren't exposed to it. My dream was to play basketball, go to America and meet Michael Jordan and I was going to be happy. That was going to be that was my dream. Too happened, and yeah, so I guess I'm living a dream that I never actually realized or was something that I was chasing. And you realize as well when you're in it, how bloody hearted is to do and to do it not just one year, but year after year. And you need a bit of
luck as well. You know, you need the right people to think that you're okay, you need to not get injured. But I think I've obviously done everything possible to put myself in the best position to keep performing. But yeah, I've obviously built up a fair bit of resilience across that time. And it's been a ride, But yeah, I am.
I'm very content. And that's why I think if Nebel was to finish and this was the last that I'd played, yeah, I'd be certainly very happy with what I've achieved and how I leave the game.
How do you think your family and your teammates are going to feel when they listen to this.
Probably shocked, I think a lot of them, probably most of them. I know Mum would be thinking she could have fixed everything, and because she always particularly because she's a nurse, and that she'd probably just want to give
me a big hug. I know that in particular. Yeah, I think it would surprise a lot of people, and I think particularly people I said who I was playing within that time at Firebirds, when I was really really struggling and to exactly the point of where I was at, Yeah, I don't think they'd probably realize how bad things were.
Are you proud of yourself?
Uh?
Yeah, yeah, I actually am. Surprisingly. I think you also learn as you get older, and particularly when life changes in your perspective on things change, to sort of cut yourself a little bit of slack because well, yeah, you know, we're not perfect, and we do mess up, and we do make mistakes, and we sometimes say things or do things that weren't the best. But yeah, yeah, I am proud of myself. I think, you know, I'm obviously proud of actually being able to speak up and do something
to try and help myself. And I think as well, and hopefully it will continue. Is then it's given me a voice for others who possibly they might not be in that position yet, but it may be a spot that they will be one day or they players who don't all athletes who don't feel comfortable in being able to speak up about stuff that I can, I guess do that for them, because, as I said, when you have these sorts of experiences, you have a lot of
empathy for people. And I think as well, that's something that I've been able to really I guess develop and have now for other people around me.
I'm really appreciative of the fact that you've done this and been so open. Congratulations on an epic career because it has been I know it's not quite over yet, but it has been amazing. And I'm thirty four and to think of still being an elite athlete a couple of years, you know, I just yeah, I'm crazy, so dumb. It just all hats off to you, basically, but yeah, thanks so much for your time.
No, thank you so time.
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